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Help Us, Oh Kevin Henry, You Are Our Only Hope

Tyler Durden's picture





 

Update: It appears that following this post, Mr. Henry decided to take down his photo from his LinkedIn profile. We are unsure why because Mr. Henry has supposedly done nothing wrong, and we merely brought attention to information he had previously disclosed to the public domain.

* * *

With everyone at the Fed on early Halloween vacation, the nation's hopeful (and confident, if slightly less than expected, according to today's UofMich survey of the employees at 200 West) eyes turn to Kevin Henry: the only green-lit (i.e. active) senior trader/analyst and cross-market monitor at the world's largest and most profitable hedge fund located at Liberty 33, elsewhere known as Federal Reserve Deep Offshore Fund LLC.

For those curious, and since his BBG profile is getting slammed today, here is his LinkedIn profile.

 


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Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:13 | Link to Comment Temporis
Temporis's picture

We're doomed...

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:13 | Link to Comment flacon
flacon's picture

Motherfucker! 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:16 | Link to Comment bonderøven-farm ass
bonderøven-farm ass's picture

The kid's stuck on bilge detail....HA!  

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:23 | Link to Comment Fleecer
Fleecer's picture

Friday to do list:... Close that LinkedIn acct I haven't looked at in 5 years.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:40 | Link to Comment gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Thanks Tyler..., I needed a laugh today!

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 16:30 | Link to Comment phyuckyiu
phyuckyiu's picture

So all the dual passport 'citizens' are on holiday, so they put their grandson in charge for the day. Did they give him just the car, or the keys to the car too? Comforting.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:23 | Link to Comment walküre
walküre's picture

Should I send him an invite? Will he accept? What do you think?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:30 | Link to Comment Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture

 

 

Guess what I did on the last Zero Hedge LinkedIn funny post ... closed my dumb ass stupid account too.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:24 | Link to Comment redpill
redpill's picture

>>> BREAKING: SEC. GEITHNER DEMANDS KEVIN HENRY BE DELIVERED TO HIM IMMEDIATELY, FRESHLY WASHED AND SHAVEN

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:26 | Link to Comment Dalago
Dalago's picture

Caligula would blush!

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:16 | Link to Comment helping_friendl...
helping_friendly_book's picture

Smiths fan?

Sat, 10/27/2012 - 00:18 | Link to Comment Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:18 | Link to Comment Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

He doesn't look like he even has any hair on his ass.

Is he over 16?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:20 | Link to Comment Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

Why does the FED always hire very young looking boy's?

Whut up wit dat?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:26 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture

@Stoploss

 

LOL.  When Bill Dudley tells young recruits he's going to mentor the shit out of them, maybe he's being literal.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:31 | Link to Comment pods
pods's picture

Being that young and making to to senior trader/analyst that guy has got some skills?

You may run with that down whichever icky road you would like. 

pods

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:48 | Link to Comment Drachma
Drachma's picture

Or perhaps being groomed as an expendable scapegoat if and when needed.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:42 | Link to Comment MiltonFriedmans...
MiltonFriedmansNightmare's picture

Sandusky wannabe?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:15 | Link to Comment walküre
walküre's picture

Same reason the jids hired good looking young boys in Hollywood.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:22 | Link to Comment DCFusor
DCFusor's picture

Stop, they hire the very young for a few reasons.  One is that they work hard to "improve" their rank, always nice if you're their boss.

Two, they haven't been around enough to know jack shit or have seen even a large part of one rotation of the wheel, so it's easier to delude them into thinking you're telling them to do right, instead of the actual reality.

Third, they are easy to ditch compared to someone who really knows how the world works, you know, as a scapegoat or something.

There are probably more, but the old/experienced screwing the  young/enthusiastic is not limited to this field or this time.

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:02 | Link to Comment AnAnonymous
AnAnonymous's picture

Fourth: they are' americans' and eager of learning how to screw juniors once you are a senior.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:34 | Link to Comment pods
pods's picture

This coming from a land where anything and everything is stolen from the original inventor and copied.

pods

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:24 | Link to Comment HelluvaEngineer
HelluvaEngineer's picture

Didn't Rutgers have a MBTFD program?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:36 | Link to Comment insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

Duke and Duke have told him to sell, sell, sell or was that buy, buy, buy.  Can't really remember now because there was some good porno on when he took the call.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 18:10 | Link to Comment Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

Ferris Bueler's bro.. No

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:12 | Link to Comment Dollar Bill Hiccup
Dollar Bill Hiccup's picture

Whoops, a downtick in the EURUSD. Those unruly chart patterns may cost you your bonus, son.

Stay on message.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:13 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

The whole fate of trillions of dollars in market capital lays in the hands of a young guy named Kevin with an MBA from Rutgers.  Perfect.  

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:20 | Link to Comment Diablo
Diablo's picture

better a guy from rutgers than some ivy league prick whos daddy got him a job.

 

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:28 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture

@slaughterer

Scarlet Knights!  The double entendre gives new meaning to Stoploss's comments above.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:47 | Link to Comment MiltonFriedmans...
MiltonFriedmansNightmare's picture

Flash crash anyone?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:00 | Link to Comment insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

at least he didn't go to the University of New Jersey....

 

never mind

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:16 | Link to Comment walküre
walküre's picture

Waddell & Reed are working

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:27 | Link to Comment larz
larz's picture

.......what could possibly go wrong slaughter????......

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:14 | Link to Comment GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

Working like John Henry today.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:12 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Psst Psst, Hey Kev': Buy NFLX and AMZN.  Forget about AAPL.  

 


Now that Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT ) has delivered its biggest product launch since Windows 95, the company is rumored to be exploring a merger with Netflix (NASDAQ: NFLX ). This is not the first time that the two firms were expected to get together. ...

Netflix is not yet at the point where it needs to find a buyer. But if an interested party were to step forward and make an impressive offer right now, it is hard to imagine that the company would turn it down.

Read more: http://community.nasdaq.com/News/2012-10/rumor-microsoft-still-interested-in-acquiring-netflix.aspx?storyid=184967#ixzz2AQiuar71

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:15 | Link to Comment blu
blu's picture

Um ... bullish?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:29 | Link to Comment fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

looks like a douche

Somebody had to put this up here....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DgbUBoxa48

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:19 | Link to Comment Drachma
Drachma's picture

This guy can't be more than 25 years old.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:25 | Link to Comment edb5s
edb5s's picture

Rutgers Business School 2006 – 2008

Rutgers University/Edward J. Bloustein School 2005 – 2008

Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey-New Brunswick 2001 – 2005

 

-from linkedin

Sat, 10/27/2012 - 20:50 | Link to Comment andyupnorth
andyupnorth's picture

So he's 30 years old with 2 years of "work" experience... and already a senior!

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:20 | Link to Comment Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Damn hurricanes sent everbody running.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:25 | Link to Comment HelluvaEngineer
HelluvaEngineer's picture

Everyone important is currently headed to Denver.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:02 | Link to Comment a growing concern
a growing concern's picture

What's in Denver?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:47 | Link to Comment Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

everyone important.

. . .

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:21 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

I just saw Kevin's BBG light go RED.  NOOOOO!!!!!!

(Must be calling his gf to brag that his name is on ZH.)

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:22 | Link to Comment Temporis
Temporis's picture

I just spit up coffee on my keyboard laughing...

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:29 | Link to Comment Ham-bone
Ham-bone's picture

Kevin - just for fun, see what happens if you push the "sell" button...fyi, it's the one with all the dust and cobwebs on it that nobody ever uses.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:31 | Link to Comment Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

There is no such a thing as a "sell" button at the Fed.

 

And you don't need a degree to monkeyhammer the red tickers.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:36 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

How 'bout a lever labeled "Tighten." Or did Greenspan steal that fucker?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:22 | Link to Comment GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

Short straw Kevin

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:26 | Link to Comment fuu
fuu's picture

 These Fed guys really like to network.

 

His name was Kale Smimmo.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=kale+smimmo

He's on Linkedin, Facebook, and Google+.

https://plus.google.com/106125918079844829245#106125918079844829245/posts

Tagline I am a lion...hear me roar.

Employment

Federal Reserve Bank of New York Rotational Analyst, 2010 - present
KPMG Senior Tax Associate, 2008 - 2010
JPMorgan Chase & Co. Summer Analyst, 2007 - 2007
Education

State University of New York at Geneseo Economics, 2004 - 2008

http://www.flickr.com/photos/geneseo_alumni/7107619479/

I don't think he understands where we are in the timeline.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:37 | Link to Comment The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Come Monday, he will be Kale Swimmo.

Go Sandy GO!

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:13 | Link to Comment Diesel Seven
Diesel Seven's picture

Ummmm . . . what in hell is a "Summer Analyst"??? Sounds like an internship to me-- kinda like a sanitation engineer is really a garbageman.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:51 | Link to Comment Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

Larry Summer's anal cyst???

oh wait, sorry, misread that. . .

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:06 | Link to Comment helping_friendl...
helping_friendly_book's picture

WTF?

Where did he get Kevin henry?

Do all the NYFRB douche bags have aliases? 

What is Timmy's real name?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:28 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Kevin just removed his picture from LinkedIn.  

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:30 | Link to Comment amadeusb4
amadeusb4's picture

If the Fed is as controlling as ZH makes it out to be, then do you really think that after a 2 month decline, the Fed would leave the market in the hands of this guy on the last Friday trading session in the month of October without a backup plan?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:31 | Link to Comment amadeusb4
amadeusb4's picture

Just shorted some TZA! The bet is on ZH.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:33 | Link to Comment amadeusb4
amadeusb4's picture

TZA sell order filled at 16.29 for the record. Will sell EOD.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:41 | Link to Comment Tyler Durden
Tyler Durden's picture

This is neither Yahoo Finance, nor Twitter. Nobody cares about imaginary bets with imaginary money, unless of course it's a peak into the Fed's 13F.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:04 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

"BABABABOOYAH!"

-Jim Fuckwad Cramer

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:09 | Link to Comment helping_friendl...
helping_friendly_book's picture

 

The FRBNY answers to no man!

Or the SEC for that matter.

13F? That's funny!

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 19:28 | Link to Comment fuu
fuu's picture

I wonder how many emails Kevin got today.

Sat, 10/27/2012 - 01:11 | Link to Comment amadeusb4
amadeusb4's picture

Closed position at 16.06.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:41 | Link to Comment Atlasshruggedme
Atlasshruggedme's picture

Here comes the strom... and its not a herricane. Queue the USD collapse in 3, 2, 1.....

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:30 | Link to Comment Brokenarrow
Brokenarrow's picture

"senior trader/analyst?"

that means he places orders on behalf of his masters. he is a lap poodle of wall st.

i would be ashamed to post that profile.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:04 | Link to Comment insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

sounds better than Ben's trading bitch.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:07 | Link to Comment Diesel Seven
Diesel Seven's picture

it sounds better than "Chairman Bernanke's gimp"

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:31 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture

Kevin Henry, "Is if F5 or F11?"

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:33 | Link to Comment Mad Mohel
Mad Mohel's picture

Halloween vacation!? WTF is this, elementary school? Money never sleeps motherfucker! Halloween? What is Bernanke going as, a high-speed printer?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:53 | Link to Comment MiltonFriedmans...
MiltonFriedmansNightmare's picture

No, he's going as Bernanke.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:33 | Link to Comment kito
kito's picture

come on leave him alone, he is just doing his job (DHS brownie points for me)...............

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:42 | Link to Comment CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Yep, you'll have the nicest cell in the whole internment camp.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:52 | Link to Comment Ham-bone
Ham-bone's picture

U'll get the privelege of rounding us up when it's "shower" time

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:33 | Link to Comment I Am Not a Copp...
I Am Not a Copper Top's picture

I think he heard you - market ramping

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:39 | Link to Comment Pantafulius
Pantafulius's picture

Yep, he was probably napping.  He's awake now and hit the buy everything button.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:06 | Link to Comment insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

He is getting back at the ZHers.  He is thinking, I know all of these posters are short on everything.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:31 | Link to Comment Awakened Sheeple
Awakened Sheeple's picture

Cue gold crash in 3..2..1..

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:33 | Link to Comment LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

You cannot trust some fucker that has two first names.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:03 | Link to Comment moonstears
moonstears's picture

CLARK KENT, ever hear of him?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:17 | Link to Comment Phil Dupterjaw
Phil Dupterjaw's picture

You can trust RON JEREMY.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:37 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

The markets are down? Oh my goodness...it must mean armageddon??

The funniest part is a market down day is now viewed as so unusual, and a search must be made to find the reason. 'Oh, the PPT (which supposedly doesnt exist) is on 'vacation'...yes that must be it.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:39 | Link to Comment leftcoastfool
leftcoastfool's picture

Thanks a fucking lot!  Within 15 minutes of your posting this article the little bastard got busy and ran the SPX up over 6 points already!  Son of a bitch!!!

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:39 | Link to Comment leftcoastfool
leftcoastfool's picture

repeat post - apologies...

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:39 | Link to Comment pragmatic hobo
pragmatic hobo's picture

he's busy ramping up AMZN.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:39 | Link to Comment Dollar Bill Hiccup
Dollar Bill Hiccup's picture

Ah, now that's better, the SPX is looking just spiffy.

But a little finesse, Kevin, a little finesse never hurts.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:47 | Link to Comment q99x2
q99x2's picture

Send him to Samolia.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:49 | Link to Comment GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

Isn't old enough to be interested in porn yet

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:50 | Link to Comment etresoi
etresoi's picture

To see who really has your back, look at the Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Terrorist Financing and Financial Crimes   http://www.linkedin.com/pub/luke-bronin/a/a16/359

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:59 | Link to Comment zrussell
zrussell's picture

The only thing that matters about his future and efficacy with the FED is:

What degree Freemason is he?

And how long 'til he gets to 19: Grand Pontiff?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:58 | Link to Comment fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I truly believe that this twit just ramped the markets in response to this post. I believe it.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:07 | Link to Comment a growing concern
a growing concern's picture

I do too. ZH moves markets now.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:22 | Link to Comment walküre
walküre's picture

ZH has been moving markets for longer. Why do you think participation of real investment $ is virtually not existent?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:08 | Link to Comment Village Smithy
Village Smithy's picture

Maybe we just pulled back the curtain big time. That ramp was scary coincidence.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:11 | Link to Comment insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

Usually the market ramps between 3 and 4 but today since everyone else is out of the office, the ramp is from 2 to 3, with enough air to keep it just green by 4.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 13:59 | Link to Comment PLove
PLove's picture

 

"Kevin, my boy.  Meet Mr. Rico."

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:06 | Link to Comment Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Go for it Kevin. My pension fund is in your hands. Just put a paperweight on the CNTRL P key, put on that pirate costume in your briefcase, and head off to the party with the rest of them.

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:08 | Link to Comment insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

and say hi to your dad, MDB, for us.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:20 | Link to Comment GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

fuckin' furries!!

no, you can't simonize a comestain out of synthetic fur.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:18 | Link to Comment GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Mope: n

A person generally associated with failure of such magnitude that to stand near them might induce similar results in the subject.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:19 | Link to Comment alagon
alagon's picture

Professional Bullshitter.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:19 | Link to Comment walküre
walküre's picture

Where's Quasi Mohammed today?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:56 | Link to Comment Quazi Mohammad ...
Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis's picture

Soooo hungry.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:33 | Link to Comment Dollar Bill Hiccup
Dollar Bill Hiccup's picture

Man versus machine, magnificent!

The Ballad of Kevin Henry's Hammer!

 

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 14:56 | Link to Comment helping_friendl...
helping_friendly_book's picture

Kevins just another fartlicking Jamie Dimon bootlickering pussy.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:07 | Link to Comment q99x2
q99x2's picture

That boys eyes get any closer; he'll be a cyclops.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 15:38 | Link to Comment helping_friendl...
helping_friendly_book's picture

Gonna close red on spx and green on spy. Always happens just to rub salt into the wound that is my spxu position.

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 16:05 | Link to Comment jmcadg
jmcadg's picture

Fuck me, if he's a senior trader, the minions must be pulled straight from kindergarten!

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 16:12 | Link to Comment larz
larz's picture

cmon kev im long going into the close here on friday roll me a seven buddy

 

 

thanks my boy Krystal in the mail

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 17:11 | Link to Comment Pejorative Requiem
Pejorative Requiem's picture

Merciless (insert snicker here)...... What's the only rule of Fight Club?

Fri, 10/26/2012 - 22:11 | Link to Comment helping_friendl...
helping_friendly_book's picture

I have decided after many measures of sake kevin henry is an invention, a device employed by ZH, to play us sorry souls who watch our savings evaporate. 

 

ZH is, just, too well equip. Too organized.

 

These are Wall Street's best manipulators stealing your soul.

Only the enemy can be as knowledgeable as the most adept loser!

YES!

ZH must be WS! Yes?

Why are we so worthy of their depth of knowledge?

I say:

Why give us the enemies plan?

You must, by default, be the enemy!

I challenge TD!

You are not what you project yourself to be.

I don't know your end,but, ZH is a front of deception! 

Sat, 10/27/2012 - 03:52 | Link to Comment slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

Geezz he's still wet behind the ears.

But I got an idea.....if we get a 2 year old, we can beat minimum wage laws...

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