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Wednesday Humor: Future Japanese Rulers Promise 3% Nominal Growth

Tyler Durden's picture





 

No, really. The LDP, as most know by now, will take over at the December 16th elections as the next party in charge of Japan, at least until the early elections 3-6 months later, when power will shift once more, as the great Keynesian basket case experiment proves ungovernable yet again.  But in the meantime, there will be much humor, such as this...

  • LDP RELEASES POLICY PLATFORM IN TOKYO AHEAD OF DEC. 16 ELECTION
  • LDP PLEDGES TO INCREASE DEFENSE SPENDING, MILITARY PERSONNEL
  • LDP CONSIDERS PUTTING OFFICIALS ON ISLANDS DISPUTED WITH CHINA
  • LDP MAY CHANGE CONSTITUTION TO ASSERT RIGHT OF SELF-DEFENSE

Actually, that's just the part about Japan preparing to invade Manchuria again. The same Japan whose exports imploded, and its economy is getting crushed as a result of the ongoing China boycott of all things Japanese.

But fear not: the LDP has an app for that (this is where it gets funny):

  • LDP AIMS TO ACHIEVE PRIMARY BALANCE SURPLUS BY 2020 - this for a country that has not had a primary balance surplus in.... ever?
  • JAPAN LDP TO CUT WELFARE PAYMENTS BY 10 PERCENT - this is for the country with the oldest average population in the world.
  • LDP SAYS CORPORATE TAX RATES MUST BE CUT SIGNIFICANTLY - don't tell France or those other socialist countries
  • LDP CALLS FOR BOJ COOPERATION IN SEEKING DRASTIC EASING - ah yes, the Department of Homeland Printing

And the punchline:

  • JAPAN OPPOSITION LDP PLEDGES AT LEAST 3% NOMINAL GROWTH
  • LDP PLATFORM CALLS FOR SETTING 2% INFLATION TARGET WITH BOJ

Remember: this is the party that plans on making the Bank of Japan a department of government.

We just can't wait for the even more epic humor that will ensue once first Japan's politicians, and soon after, all their financial muppet colleagues around the world, are given full control of the central printer.

 


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Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:17 | Link to Comment RunningMan
RunningMan's picture

As long as they promise.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:20 | Link to Comment GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

Just going to raise taxes 10%....it's a pretty sweet deal.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:24 | Link to Comment SamAdams
SamAdams's picture

Japan will likely raise much of that income by selling keyboards to ZeroHedge readers who chose a most inopportune moment to sip their coffee....

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:27 | Link to Comment GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

Who pays for keyboards? I've got the Obama-keyboard.....comes with a picture of Obama. It's a little spooky.....but it works and it's totally free.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment flacon
flacon's picture

"Growth". LOL! 

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:52 | Link to Comment TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Us too.  But the danged "right click" doesn't work.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:00 | Link to Comment DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

"We promise 3% growth"

sounds like a penis ad

oh wait, it is

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:34 | Link to Comment old naughty
old naughty's picture

And they 'promise' nuclear arsenal...

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 16:18 | Link to Comment Dr.Awkward
Dr.Awkward's picture

It's a "left click" only product line!

Thu, 11/22/2012 - 01:07 | Link to Comment monad
monad's picture

Try light crick. Its a design feature.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:57 | Link to Comment Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

.....but it works and it's totally free.

 

Yep. And all the keys say 'Ctrl'

Thu, 11/22/2012 - 11:41 | Link to Comment Bag Of Meat
Bag Of Meat's picture

And a big red one in the center, "P"

Press both for emergencies 

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 16:34 | Link to Comment jimod
jimod's picture

So, LDP is running on Romney's platform?

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:18 | Link to Comment Mongo
Mongo's picture

When all else fails they will take us to war

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:17 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Its called "CENTLAL PLINTEL" in Japan.   

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:20 | Link to Comment Capitalist
Capitalist's picture

Keynesian Kamikaze!!!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:24 | Link to Comment zilverreiger
zilverreiger's picture

This all sounds dishonourable.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:48 | Link to Comment nonclaim
nonclaim's picture

Someone should deliver a tanto vending machine to their front door.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:25 | Link to Comment rabbitusvomitus
rabbitusvomitus's picture

Way to go FishBulb!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:34 | Link to Comment duo
duo's picture

Ha-wa wa-ri-so?

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:43 | Link to Comment LeisureSmith
LeisureSmith's picture

Best one i could find. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnaLRbbc-54

For people wondering about that brave corporate logo.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:25 | Link to Comment govttrader
govttrader's picture

Look at the bright side...if Japan can do it for 20+ years...the US has 15 years to go!!!

http://govttrader.blogspot.com/

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:27 | Link to Comment donpaulo
donpaulo's picture

this is a complete Joke

Shinzo Abe quit the office of prime minister for health reasons when he had the job previously

Now the LDP trots him out, he makes some lame speech about how he is ready for the challenge and China is doo doo

Voila a renewed leader !

Meanwhile Mr Noda the sitting PM is out there telling the truth which nobody wants to hear

National consumption tax to double to 10% and even that won't "fix" the problem

The actual total needs to be closer to 12%

Its a merry go round of Debt

HOORAY !~

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:46 | Link to Comment suteibu
suteibu's picture

Noda telling the truth?  I must have missed his revised policy on Fukushima...you know, the one that protects the population by giving accurate information about the spread of radiation, the condition of Dai-ichi, and stopping the policy of sending radioactive and toxic waste all over Japan to be incinerated.  And what about all the misuse of funds specified for reconstruction of Tohoku.  People are still living in school gyms while money was directed to whaling among other things.

Even you believe his lies.  That 10% increase in taxes won't kick in until the economy shows growth.  Of course, he could lie and say the economy is growing. 

BTW, haven't heard Noda speak out on Japan's extremely low 4.5% unemployment rate either.  Now, he didn't begin that lie, but that doesn't mean he isn't lying about it every month.

Noda is Obama's puppet.  Don't get me started about his push to join Obama's TPP FTA.

This is not to say the Abe is any better.  Second look at Ozawa.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 15:56 | Link to Comment flattrader
flattrader's picture

One way to reduce unemployment is to have everyone leave.

http://enenews.com/newspaper-japanese-leaving-country-because-radiation-...

Of course with ZPG ,that and the number of upcoming child deaths, will affect GDP.

Just go to enenews and keyword search -- children cysts nodules -- and you'll get the picture of what is going to happen several years.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:50 | Link to Comment Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

Noda telling the truth?

all Japanese PM's are exclusively cherry-picked from the Ministry of Finance... think Iraqi Information Minister for levels of accuracy here!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:28 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

'Growth'? Well theyre gonna fuck everything up for the ZIRP to infinity overlords! This will have to be squashed.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment gamera9
gamera9's picture

I'm turning Japanese, I'm turning Japanese I really think so.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

LDP PLEDGES TO KEEP TURNING KNOBS AT FUKUSHIMA POWER PLANT #3.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Well nothing else is working so we might as well try inflation and empire building again. It's worked so well in the past.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:31 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

North Korea 40B  GDP .... South Korea 1,500B  GDP .... that's funny !

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:31 | Link to Comment LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Don't mock these great leaders, they will get even better growth, right after the detonate those other atomic bombs and eliminate half the population.  It worked before.  Only doing what Krugman told them to do...

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:33 | Link to Comment ptoemmes
ptoemmes's picture

Wasn't Kyle Bass also just saying...end game is close upon them/us.

 

War...uh huh...what is it good for?

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:53 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

War is just Socialism on CRACK !

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:34 | Link to Comment Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Japan must be planning on another sunami. Naw, they tried that already. Asteroid impact, sounds about right...

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:35 | Link to Comment BigInJapan
BigInJapan's picture

Purinto shiro!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 18:44 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Is your avatar Godzira with a walker????

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 19:45 | Link to Comment BigInJapan
BigInJapan's picture

And what of it, whippersnapper? Everybody is old in Japan.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:37 | Link to Comment OneTinSoldier66
OneTinSoldier66's picture

"Department of Homeland Printing"

 

It's good to know that we have at least one Government agency that can never run a deficit.

 

Or is this the department that ensures that no Government agency or TBTF Bank ever runs a deficit?

 

I'm so confused.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:37 | Link to Comment Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

LDP MAY CHANGE CONSTITUTION TO ASSERT RIGHT OF SELF-DEFENSE

Ah, the right of "self"-defense ... of the nation as a collective, abstract whole. You almost had me there for a second, thinking Japan had reversed course after ... it's entire recorded history ... and decided to do away with its frankly embarassing weapons control laws, in order to allow people to defend themselves!

WHY YOU NEED WEAPON DEFEND YOUSERF? YOU RACK DISCIPRINE! 2ND AMENDMENT? SHAMEFUR!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:37 | Link to Comment fuu
fuu's picture

Still no plan for Fukushima though right? Good luck Japan.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:55 | Link to Comment Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

Yah, it sounds like they're planning on moving  

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 13:16 | Link to Comment Matt
Matt's picture

So much for moving into ready-made empty cities in China ...

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:37 | Link to Comment bank guy in Brussels
bank guy in Brussels's picture

Re the Japanese opposition pledge for '3% nominal growth' the key word there is 'nominal' ...

It being understood this is not 'real' growth ... but money-supply managed artificial growth that is higher than the inflation rate, as the specific core of central bank policy ...

We should all give a cheer that Japan will try this economic experiment for us all

This is absolutely classic 'Monetarism' (not to be confused with the word used as an epithet for American 'screw the workers' policies)

This comes from the side of Milton Friedman that, instead of supporting the CIA in Chile etc., was advocating a 'negative income tax' simple transfer payment to Americans

There are not really many of the old classic monetarists left, but their small group is adamant in articulating a view that the money supply really needs to be watched amid this global credit contraction

Of course there is much disagreement about how to categorise that money supply (M3 or whatever) ...

But they say with nominal GDP ahead of inflation, is the core of the ticket out of economic hell

And this is why the monetarists say the euro always was doomed, as Friedman predicted ... in Europe the Mediterranean countries cannot massage their own money supply upwards, they have brutally high interest and shrinking money supply, hence the crisis and collapse till the euro-zone splits

It's an alternative to Richard Koo and his insistence that fiscal stimulus is the only effective way forward in a balance-sheet recession

We all look forward to seeing how it works out, and we should encourage Japan that if they are going to try it, don't do it half way, do it all the way

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:39 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

Yen Cross ?  Is that a Crockett Pocket Almanac in your pocket .... or are you just happy to see me ?

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:45 | Link to Comment oddjob
oddjob's picture

Any charts for Matsumura Fishworks or Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing?

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 10:47 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Mista-doh Spa-kudo!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:09 | Link to Comment williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

You forgot to mention they are changing the party name: LSD

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:11 | Link to Comment Getting Old Sucks
Getting Old Sucks's picture

Surplus by 2020?  LOL.  Japan will be a deserted nuclear wasteland by then.  Exports imploding?  Who wants shit that glows in the dark?  Is the whole fucking world asleep? 

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:11 | Link to Comment TrumpXVI
TrumpXVI's picture

Wuaaaa, must reassert right to self defense!

Reclaim Manchukuo.

Reestablish Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere.

Maybe Dept.731!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:11 | Link to Comment BeetleBailey
BeetleBailey's picture

BUY THE FUCKING YEN!

 

(no really....I'm long the JPY...mebbe several trades piled in will help....)....<major sarc>

 

Fuckin rice-eaters....

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 11:56 | Link to Comment Rick Blaine
Rick Blaine's picture

I always thought the Mr. Sparkle commercial was one of the better "plays on" a culture from The Simpsons...back when that show was pretty amazing...

That said, Fox should have pulled the plug on it about ten years ago, IMHO. It's barely a shadow now of what it was in the mid/late '90s.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 14:15 | Link to Comment Jack Napier
Jack Napier's picture

That was the best Simpsons episode ever, except for maybe the one where Homer cuts his thumb off.

MEESA SPAKELEH!!

Fox only pulls the plug on good shows like Firefly.

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 18:54 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Thank goodness the Comedy Channel picked up Futurama!

Wed, 11/21/2012 - 21:45 | Link to Comment Zgangsta
Zgangsta's picture

Change we can bereave in.

Thu, 11/22/2012 - 03:50 | Link to Comment Ar-Pharazôn
Ar-Pharazôn's picture

Tyler i m used to read every of your articles

 

i dont know if you're trying to be funny but: "Actually, that's just the part about Japan preparing to invade Manchuria again" made me really laugh hard.

 

are you serious?

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