Cashin Commemorates Rasputin

Tyler Durden's picture

Today's anecdote from Art Cashin has nothing to do with the fiscal cliff, the stock market, the economy, geopolitics or even the fermentation committee. Instead it is a deep tangent from all things financial: an amusing anecdote focusing on the life and more notably, death anniversary of one Rasputin, narrated in the way only Art can do. So while we await the inevitable 3:35 pm rumor that a Fiscal Cliff resolution is imminent, just like all those other 99 rumors in the past few weeks, which sent the market soaring before they popped, what better way to kill the time until the next algo driven buying frenzy than with stories of possessed, mad monks in tsarist, WWI Russia.

An Encore Presentation

On this day (+2) in 1916, one of history's most celebrated but most inept assassinations began. In the retelling of most assassinations we hear how the victims might have been spared if....! You know the drill - if the guy guarding Lincoln's box had not gone for a drink or if the Archduke Ferdinand had not had his car forced up a side street, etc. etc.

But this assassination was more like Larry, Moe and Curly plan the Normandy Invasion.

The proposed victim was a semi-literate preacher who passed himself off as a Russian monk. Pre-dating some TV preachers, in an age with no TV, he preached that you needed God's forgiveness. And, to give God a wide enough target, it is necessary that you sin a lot. So, many of his convocations turned into what we might secularly call today - drunkfests or orgies. (But, he said God does need a large target.) Critics of the preacher called him "The Mad Monk". He called himself "Rasputin".

Anyway, Rasputin hit pay-dirt when he appeared to cure the hemophiliac son of Czar Nicholas II. Viewing the cure as a miracle, the Czarina demanded that all decisions be cleared with the miracle-maker, Rasputin. That made him the most powerful man in Russia, which did not sit well with the nobles. Thus, the assassination attempt. On this night Prince Yussupov, the Czar's nephew-in-law, invited Rasputin over for some late-night cakes and wine. Yussupov and his pals loaded the cakes and wine with enough cyanide to kill a regiment of Cossacks. And just for insurance they put extra cyanide on the knives, forks, plates and glasses. Then Yussupov sat down and made small talk with Rasputin. Over several hours Rasputin ate most of the cakes and drank all of the wine. Then he asked the prince if he had any more wine.

In a panic, Yussupov ran upstairs where the co-conspirators gave him a gun and told him to shoot Rasputin. He shot him in the back at close range. Rasputin tried to turn but fell backward. A doctor was called in and pronounced the monk dead, saying the bullet had pierced his heart. An hour later the conspirators returned to move the body.

In a scene straight out of a Stephen King movie, as Yussupov bent over the body, the monk opened one eye and grabbed the Prince by the throat and started to beat the hell out of him. The others freed the Prince and the conspirators fled, locking the door behind them. Rasputin kicked down the door and chased them onto the palace grounds. They turned and shot him twice knocking him to the ground. Then using iron bars they beat his head to a bloody pulp. They then tied his hands and feet, cut a hole in the ice and dumped him in the River Neva. When the body was found, it was noted that he had freed his feet and one hand and if he hadn't drowned he might have come back one more time.

Peasants believe Rasputin put a curse on Russia, which caused the revolution in 1918 and may last to this day (more wine, Mr. Putin?).

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fightthepower's picture

Fuck the Rothschilds!

NotApplicable's picture

"I got 99 rumors but a fix ain't one!"

francis_sawyer's picture

Art... Art???... Could you please show me way to the next Whiskey Bar?


Freddie's picture

The dude could have replaced Curt Cobain in Nirvana after Kurt greased hISSelf.  Courtney Love could have married Rasputin.

GMadScientist's picture

"I got me some of that, Seagram's Gin

everybody got they cups, but they ain't chipped in

now this types of shit, happens all the time

you got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine"

caconhma's picture

The Russian Czar Nikolas II was an imbecile. The Great Russian writer Leo Tolstoy called him a feebleminded man. A war between Russia and Germany was not in Russia’s interests (like today a military confrontation between China and India will greatly benefit America and its NATO allies but will be detrimental to China and India national interests).

Diplomatically and undercover England, France, and the USA were very active in persuading the Czar to start a war with Germany. They have succeeded in tricking the Czar to start a war promising him the Bosporus and Dardanelles Straits as a reward for starting a war. He indeed was an idiot.

However, some very-close to the Czar people were against the war. One of these people with great influence on the Czar was Rasputin. He constantly tried to persuade the Czar that the WWI was very bad for Russia and its people. The WWI did not go too well for Russia and Czar Nikolas II started to have a second thought. Consequently, British and their Russian allies decided to kill Rasputin.

There are many bogus stories about the Rasputin assassination.  The investigation was brief and conducted by people interested in keeping Russia in the WWI. The investigation was similar to the JFK assassination. However, some participants have lived past the Zionist-Bolshevik revolution in Russia in 1917 and, later in their exile in their memoirs they reported that the plot to kill Rasputin was prepared by the British embassy in St. Petersburg (the Russia Capitol).  Rasputin was lured to one of the conspirator house and was executed there by a British military attaché in Russia.

The Rasputin assassination had a very depressing effect on the Czar. He became very passive and soon was overthrown, imprisoned, and later killed together with all his family. The order to kill Czar Nikolas II also came from London.


williambanzai7's picture


A mystical Printer of old
Told Ben he should demonize gold
Then fiat would flow
And all wealth would go
Into the Kleptocrat's hold

The Limerick King

Super Broccoli's picture

a bit tired to read this quote over and over again ...

ball-and-chain's picture

The fiscal cliff ain't coming.

The world is controlled by Wall Street and the City of London.

The tail shall wag the dog.

cougar_w's picture

Uh oh. I just realized I look a lot like that guy.

I should buy me some of those robes. And learn a little Russian.

Edit: The part about Rasputin == Putin is just about crazy enough to be true. Never mess around with dark majick unless you know what you are doing.

john39's picture

God reportedly has a wicked sense of humor...  Perhaps his gift to the rothschid empire...

duo's picture

I thought Carl Rove was the Rasputin of the Bush I and Bush II.

dunce's picture

I thought at first glance that he looked like the New Yorrk firemen shooter.

LFMayor's picture

love that Boney M song.

Rah Rah Rasputin
Russia's greatest Love Machine.

DrDinkus's picture

usually only hear this song at certain 'special times' HAAAAA

CH1's picture

I am SHOCKED that anyone here remembered that song!

A gem from the archives!

youngman's picture

There is a moral to this story somewhere......

Do not dine on cakes and wine......when lead and water will follow

DeadFred's picture

Always remember the Zombieland rules. Rule #2 The Double Tap. When dealing with possessed monks, zombies or central bankers don't be cheap with the ammo.

Peter Pan's picture

Rasputin eventually died. The printing press will never die as long as man breathes.

e_goldstein's picture

and the electricity stays on.

Dr. Engali's picture

Lots of talk about revolutions and civil war lately. It's a good thing we have the new Abe Lincoln in the White House to hold the union together.

cougar_w's picture

Apparently Big O is in good with The Lord. So we've got that going for us.

akak's picture

If THIS is an honest photo of the man who supposedly inspired wild sexual orgies among the noblewomen in pre-Revolution Russia, then what the fuck did the average Russian nobleman look like in comparison?

Toolshed's picture

Cmon, man. Times change, but not human behavior. Nowadays, a man needs either a great big schlong or a great big wallet to score with the ladies. Everything else is of a lesser priority. If the story about his enormous unit is true.............

ACP's picture

A big crank supposedly. They claim to have his junk in a jar of formaldehyde in a museum in Russia.

LFMayor's picture

It's the same formula that you have to apply when you see totally smoking hot babes with effete, nerdy type guys.

a> Dude has a johnson that looks like a babies arm.

b> Dude has a bankroll that looks like a loaf of bread.

c> all of the above.

Freddie's picture

Maybe the dude played wicked speed metal on his geetar.

GMadScientist's picture

Dude's gotta tongue like a baby giraffe havin a seizure.

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

A baby's arm holding an apple.

S5936's picture

Story has it he had an 8 in tongue and could breath through his ears

Raymond Reason's picture

He had, as they say in Russian, a strong organism, and this was his power over women.

Intoxicologist's picture

And what, in contrast, did the women look like!

GMadScientist's picture

"what the fuck did the average Russian nobleman look like in comparison?"

Mitt Romney

JustObserving's picture

How can you talk about Rasputin and not mention this story?


A Cock and Bull Story?

Many legends surround the pilgrim, mystic and faith-healer Grigori Rasputin, one-time advisor to the Romanov family and, as Boney M famously put it, 'Russia's greatest love machine'. However of all the famous fables, few are quite as long-winded or amusing as the stories directly concerned with the Mad Monk's gigantic genitalia. Since the Siberian's assassination in 1916 many people have claimed to own the penis of the dead man, with one prominent Russian doctor currently displaying what he upholds is the real Rasputin rooter in his museum in St. Petersburg

Hang on a minute! How can anyone claim to have grabbed hold of such a schlong when surely the Russian mystic and royal advisor was buried with his tackle intact? Well not so according to some, who would have us believe that a maid came into possession of the prize privates after Rasputin's death. Some say that Rasputin was castrated by his assasins and that a maid found the dismembered... Errr... member when cleaning up the next day. Others claim that the canny wench, one of the hairy man's many bedtime conspirators, severed the sausage as a souvenir after the autopsy.


cougar_w's picture

I'm voting for the canny wench and the severed sausage theory.

I can just hear her saying as she cuts away, "You are mine forever now Rassy you mad boy."

Ned Zeppelin's picture

And she thought his tool smelled bad before he died.

cougar_w's picture

A woman in love will overlook a lot of little things like that.

hedgeless_horseman's picture



Even horseman does not have a 13 inch frank, but I do have plenty of beans.


These speckled butter beans from our garden will get cooked with the bone from the Christmas ham. 


falak pema's picture

He even had a theory: "to refind your soul, give in to temptation; it purifies you thus!"

And it worked...maybe because he had good mystical arguments in an age of stultified obscurantism and imperial decadence (end of Romanovs, the worst Kulaks)  followed by the naked punch line..."I'm your Nemesis of bourgeois sin!"

I'm all for it but not in predatory mode, but in 'fin amor', which means you have to sweat in spiritual inquest before you achieve sensual and charnel conquest like a true knight; like a fleeting dream of no importance except to proclaim the evident truth : the world is a stage and we are just actors of our entropial voyage down the shute! Like drinking champagne in a female body as long as you don't spill any drop or spoil the back-cloth of female passion. 

No refunds! We are entering an age when Rasputin meets Queen Theodora or Empress Messalina...and that is a conundrum! 

"The more scribbled the name the more the fame!'" SO goes life! Rupert Pumpkin in the age of patriarchal unwind!

Some call it female "deconstruction", what a laugh! The deconstuction of male into panicky decadence has already occured. We love our guns more than our moral rectitude. 

Soon 3D printers wil make the new man, without Rasputin's quirks! what a laff! 

CH1's picture

Believe it or not, the Czar's secret police followed Rasputin into a steam room to verify the rumor.

"Quite average," they said.

For whatever it's worth...


Maybe he was a grower and not a shower

Skip's picture

Rasputin's curse, or prophecy rather, lasted a long time, perhaps, even now, it still lingers..
Perhaps the best book  on the Bolshevik Revolution, The Last Days of the Romanoffs, authors: George Gustav Tellberg, and Robert Wilton, long-time Russian correspondent to the London Times.

There was a court of inquiry held on the scene of the murder of the Czar and his family. There was such a court, and Wilton, the co-author of the book, was present throughout the inquiry as correspondent of the London Times.

It came about this way: The White Russian army, the army of the anti-Bolshevik government set up in Siberia, recaptured the town of Ekaterinburg a few days after the royal Romanoffs were murdered in that town; and the Siberian Government set up the court to find the murderers. The investigators got several signed confessions from some of the guards who participated, one in the actual murder, the others in scrubbing up the bloody floors and walls after the assassination.

Here is the song referenced earlier on this thread by Boney M.

lakecity55's picture

We have our very own Rasputin: Valerie Jarrett, the corrupt pseudo-communist money grubber who is the brain of O-Phone.

Native of Iran, Senior Puppeteer of The Dictator.

stinkhammer's picture

We? the royal we, man!  I mean it's me and the driver. I'm not handling the money, driving the car and talking on the phone all at the same time!