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New York's Other Epidemic

Tyler Durden's picture





 

The flu will come and go, but another, far more troubling epidemic appears to have gripped New York: one which, in a post Sandy Hook world, probably needs as much discussion as tragic mass murders conducted by deranged lone gunmen, especially since absolutely nobody appears to be addressing this particular issue. Why? Because, frankly we think the two kinds of tragedies are very intimately connected.

Via @NYScanner

h/t Alexander Gloy

 


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Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:18 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Jump you fuckers!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:28 | Link to Comment HelluvaEngineer
HelluvaEngineer's picture

Attention poor residents of New York: please realize that there are other cities out there, and they are willing to accept you.  Places like Detroit and Chicago.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:31 | Link to Comment Stackers
Stackers's picture

It's raining men !

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:33 | Link to Comment Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Bloomberg!  Listen up bitch.  Time to outlaw buildings.  FUCK YOU!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:36 | Link to Comment e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Someone with the flu needs to sneeze in his face and then take a wrench to his balls. Let's see how he feels about limiting painkillers after that.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:37 | Link to Comment camaro68ss
camaro68ss's picture

Holly fuck, there starting to jump, the end must be near....

guess it saves us ropes and lamp posts

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:43 | Link to Comment ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

I'll be the Debbie Downer, and note that those Queens locales are not in well-to-do neighborhoods where you would find our banker-types. 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:47 | Link to Comment Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

I disagree.  Those bankster fucks still need to buy coke and hookers.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:00 | Link to Comment Chump
Chump's picture

They definitely don't get their hookers and coke from the hood...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:08 | Link to Comment Lohn Jocke
Lohn Jocke's picture

We need coke and hookers to be more elastic.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:32 | Link to Comment ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Actually both of those Queens neighborhood are largely Muslim, one by Eastern European immigration and one by central Asian / Pakistani immigration, not Colombian.  You make your own inferences there.

Of course, few neighborhoods in western Queens are completely homogeneous.  Just sayin.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:44 | Link to Comment JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

We had a lady pull over on the I-94 bridge into minnesota, get out, and jump.

Her 10 year old daughter was in the car watching.

We are becoming unhinged and I am very afraid.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:09 | Link to Comment trav777
trav777's picture

how high's the bridge?  I've wanted to jump out when my kids were pushing me to wit's end too lol

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:49 | Link to Comment CrockettAlmanac.com
CrockettAlmanac.com's picture

 

 

 

Clark Griswald: Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?
Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:35 | Link to Comment fourchan
fourchan's picture

 

 

do new yorkers like bloombergs nanny state? hes spouting off as if everyone agrees with him.

but to the rest of the country he seems like a little hitler removing freedoms left and right.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:51 | Link to Comment Harbanger
Harbanger's picture

I spent a month in NYC with my sister for the holidays and there's all types there.  I found most don't like him at all, but some that think there's no harm and he's looking out for them.  I would say most smokers can't stand him, they pay about $12 for a pack of cigs.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 02:16 | Link to Comment msamour
msamour's picture

My favorite Vacation movie of the bunch. Such a classic.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:16 | Link to Comment aerojet
aerojet's picture

While sad, the country is full of narcissists who just realized they are not rock stars, not their cars, not their fucking khakis...

You see where all this is going? 

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 01:52 | Link to Comment TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

the all singing all dancing crap of the world?

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 10:42 | Link to Comment Widowmaker
Widowmaker's picture

Thank organized govt larceny.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, EAT THE POOR FUCKS!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:45 | Link to Comment I think I need ...
I think I need to buy a gun's picture

san francisco took care of this problem back in 08 with the golden gate bridge and supposedly put up safety nets

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:01 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

There are 8 million stories in the Naked City... [these are just 13 of them]

~~~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqXNlzQIqlc

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:21 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

That's depressing

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:51 | Link to Comment Freddie
Freddie's picture

Muhammed Hussein Oba'Mugabe has about a 81% approval rate in NYC. 

F them.

 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:40 | Link to Comment ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Right, because if there is a single MOPE statistic we can trust, it's "Obama's approval rating".

I have a better idea though, fukc YOUR town. 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:38 | Link to Comment fourchan
fourchan's picture

bloomberg just outlawed gravity.

film at 11

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:04 | Link to Comment MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Thought you said gravy...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 23:22 | Link to Comment RockyRacoon
RockyRacoon's picture

That'll be next on the menu (sorry, couldn't help myself) of things to help make New Yorkers slim and trim.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 15:10 | Link to Comment MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Maybe they could just make a certain amount of gravy illegal!

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 18:28 | Link to Comment Obviousman
Obviousman's picture

Don't matter how slim and trim you are, you ain't gonna fall UP.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:23 | Link to Comment lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

You have to reverse those poll numbers to get the truth.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 23:46 | Link to Comment vamoose1
vamoose1's picture

lmfao     v   v    v   clever  doc    this  is  y  i  luv   zh    its  so   goddamned  funny       imagine    gulp  if  we  had  a   zh   convention  omg

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 18:19 | Link to Comment Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

Can we get that Zames guy to jump?  Maybe take away his hookers for a day. Lew, too. That fucker is going to mess us up forever.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:11 | Link to Comment 1100-TACTICAL-12
1100-TACTICAL-12's picture

There is not enough fiatsco in the world, to make me live in NYC.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:51 | Link to Comment Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

Why dont we put Piers to work doing what he does best.

Phone hacking..

Have Piers hack the suicide hotlines and bring the whole fucking thing down on top of them?

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 01:45 | Link to Comment Freddie
Freddie's picture

Can you imagine if the Fed/WallStreet/Treasury/HFT/Algos were not falsely inflating and blowing the stock market higher?

Hedge fund managers would be diving off apts in Manhattan and mansions in Greenwich.  Hey Stevie Cohen - jump you evil ****er!

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 01:00 | Link to Comment jerry_theking_lawler
jerry_theking_lawler's picture

Do your civic duty....start a petition on WH.gov to create a law than prohibits people from jumping to their deaths....but put in the law that if anyone breaks that law, that a new law must be created that will ban all buildings taller than the height possible to jump from and die....you know, because laws stop criminals from acting, right.

nobody would break any laws would they...oh, lets say like.....killing someone(illegal), stealing their property aka guns (illegal), transporting them while loaded (illegal), taking stolen property aka guns onto school property (illegal), destroying school property (illegal) and killing again x26 (illegal x26).....nope, if there was only one more law in this chain then all the others would have been prevented.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 02:15 | Link to Comment A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

But suicide is already illegal. These people should be arrested immediately.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 04:58 | Link to Comment John_Coltrane
John_Coltrane's picture

Buildings don't kill people, gravity does.  And the Pauli exclusion principal certainly makes the landing harder than it would be if two fermions could occupy the same state.  And gravity is the weakest of the four fundamental forces!

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 10:39 | Link to Comment Widowmaker
Widowmaker's picture

Your sarcasm is closer to fascist truth than you realize.

That swine fuck will likely do it.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:35 | Link to Comment DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

Does Foxconn have a plant in NYC?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:47 | Link to Comment akak
akak's picture

They were just squatting on the parapets to take a dump onto the sidewalk below, and simply lost their balance (their one daily ten-minute break not giving them enough time to reach street level and then climb the 20 stories back up).

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:10 | Link to Comment Albertarocks
Albertarocks's picture

I did that once many years ago in Hawaii.  It's easy to fall especially when you're as drunk as I was.  Luckily I didn't fall but my log sure did.  God bless those innocent victims.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 02:21 | Link to Comment MrButtoMcFarty
MrButtoMcFarty's picture

Used to do a fair amount of gargoyling back in my heavy partying days.

 

That's when you get up on the roof and squeeze out some turds right on the edge. Hilarious stuff on booze and blow!

 

Gargoyling Bitchez!!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:08 | Link to Comment AgAu_man
AgAu_man's picture

Better yet... Move the WH, Congress, Senate, DOD, etc. to NYC!  Only office space from 7th floor and up is available.  Everybody base-jumps at 5 PM to get to street level.

"Mischief managed."  -Harry Potter

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:09 | Link to Comment imbtween
imbtween's picture

these are generally not poor neighborhoods they're jumping in, in fact, it looks like a lot of them are wealthy...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:36 | Link to Comment kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Jump Ben, jump...  Oh wait, let me attach the rope.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:58 | Link to Comment Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

IMINBETWEEN,

What the fuck are you talking about?  

 

With the exception of 2 or 3 locations in Manhattan, they are all in shitty neighborhoods.  

Take a walk southbound on Gates Ave from Fresh Pond Road and tweet me from the ER at Wyckoff Heights.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 01:19 | Link to Comment e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Sorry dude, Benny's in DC. Lloyd, Jamie, and Blythe on the other hand...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:47 | Link to Comment El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Gov't sponsored Psyops and mind-control through forced drugging and coercion creates most of these tragedies. Their latest massacres in Aurora Co. and Sandy Hook CT. will prove their involvement eventually. It's the "Agenda" that reveals their intent. "Problem-Cause-Solution" Initiated Locally-Enforced Globally (ILEG).

These sick pukes need jail'in fast... 

http://www.naturalnews.com/038392_Sandy_Hook_Dark_Knight_Rises_Batman_mo...

https://s5-us4.ixquick-proxy.com/do/spg/proxy?ep=4b436345624164454c316f4...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:29 | Link to Comment Cosimo de Medici
Cosimo de Medici's picture

"New York Control, this is November X-Ray Echo six six six squawking seven five zero zero reporting moonbat sighting in the vicinity of Zero Hedge at eight thousand MSL and climbing.  Advise caution article readers on attempted threadjacking."

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:31 | Link to Comment redpill
redpill's picture

BREAKING: BLOOMBERG PROPOSES BANNING HEIGHTS, DEMANDS ALL NEW YORKERS SLITHER ON THEIR BELLIES AS HE DOES

 

OT: I like the Blanchard ad that supposedly is about buying gold but has the dad as this blurry image in the back while his teenage daughter with giant knockers is right in your face.  

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:34 | Link to Comment Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Blood on their hands! If it only saves one life, we must do it!

OT: kind of catches the eye, don't they?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:46 | Link to Comment redpill
redpill's picture

Yeah, that dad doesn't need gold as much as he'll need a shotgun.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:51 | Link to Comment Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

For all those little peckerwoods that will be calling?  Can't kill em you know.  

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:46 | Link to Comment Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

OT: Is that what that ad is for? There is a dad in the background? I never noticed.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:53 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

blanchard nipples

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:07 | Link to Comment PLira
PLira's picture

Hey, without nipples, Tits would be much less useful. No specific target, just a couple of lumps of flesh, yaknow?

I didn't say useless, unless smaller, just much less.

 

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 01:23 | Link to Comment e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lJQz1COEWI

(sometimes I miss robotrader)

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:58 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

OT: The "teen" with knockers could even be a trophy wife, and right behind her on the couch in focus is the 13yo lollita for "that other kind of gentleman". These guys are aiming for all the sleeze.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:25 | Link to Comment Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

Spot on redpill.

We've had our fill of bloomberg.

Fuckin' grinch lookin' motherfucker. 

Giuliani cleaned up our great city. But this bloomberg fuck steralized it and made non-smoking bike lanes.

Glad he's leaving soon.

 

AND my baby loves her formula, you fuckin shriveled piece of shit 10-5-W

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:08 | Link to Comment CrockettAlmanac.com
CrockettAlmanac.com's picture

Bloomberg is only interested in taking steps to stop gun violence. For some reason he thinks that crazy people who kill with something other than a gun just have to be tolerated. There is a constitutional right to open subway platforms, after all. It's not like they are "assault rifles" or something.

 

Bloomberg on the latest subway push: 'There are people who are mentally deranged'

 

Today, after presiding over the graduation of 1,159 new police officers and announcing that the city was on track to achieve its lowest murder rate since such rates have been recorded, the mayor and police commissioner Ray Kelly took questions from the press.

A number of them were about the latest subway pusher and whether there was any way to prevent similar tragedies.

The mayor said he suspects there isn't.

"I don't know that there is a ways to prevent," he said. "There's always going to be somebody, a deranged person. You can say it's only two out of the 3 or 4 million people that ride the subway every day, but two is two too many. Unfortunately, there are people who are mentally deranged."

"We do live in a world where our subway platforms are open and that's not going to change," he said.

 

http://www.capitalnewyork.com/article/politics/2012/12/7008114/bloomberg...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:20 | Link to Comment lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

Ban Assault Platforms!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:31 | Link to Comment slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Those were all Biderman/Trimtabs/Roubini  clients

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:04 | Link to Comment SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

I thought jumping off of buildings was illegal in NYC. Who woulda thunk?

Another thing for King Mike to outlaw.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:31 | Link to Comment LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

But, the "market" is at 5-year fucking highs...how is this possible??

 

Fuck you Bernanke and all you fucking Fed tit sucking fuckers.  Eat shit assholes.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:39 | Link to Comment Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Boris confusing... why is so problematic for road side assistance of failed battery?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:00 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I see what you did there.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:38 | Link to Comment Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Boris is maybe bad English, but is have half brain!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:51 | Link to Comment TheLooza
TheLooza's picture

Weekly op-ex.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:17 | Link to Comment Theta_Burn
Theta_Burn's picture

 

@ Francis

Pretty funny....the despair out there eh?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:40 | Link to Comment AgAu_man
AgAu_man's picture

Monty Python skit...

Bloomberg... Note-to-self:

1.  Write a how-to book: BASE-JUMPING FOR DUMMIES -- NY STYLE.

2.  Call friends at NY Times.

3.  "A Must-Have!  A Smash, a Real Hit!"  -- NY Times Best Seller List

Trump... Note-to-self:  Provide luxury platforms.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:19 | Link to Comment Ivanovich
Ivanovich's picture

If only they were all bankers.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:22 | Link to Comment bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

patience my dear ivan.  patience.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:10 | Link to Comment orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

ivan,

 

SHIT, ILL EVEN TAKE A POLITICIAN! ANYONE WILL DO, I DONT MIND!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:31 | Link to Comment viahj
Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:20 | Link to Comment tickhound
tickhound's picture

The unintended consequence of bridges. 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:21 | Link to Comment salvadordaly
salvadordaly's picture

All bridges and tall buildings should be banned immediatly! Why do they need those high stuctures any way? For Hunting?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:40 | Link to Comment James-Morrison
James-Morrison's picture

Maybe just a watered down Bridge and Tall Building registration process where everyone is required to register their time and location for use of Bridges and Tall Buildings.

Isn't there an iApp for that?  

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:56 | Link to Comment Racer
Racer's picture

 why do you think so many people are falling off them... the bridges and buildings are crooked...the iApp for maps broke them

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:39 | Link to Comment bloostar
bloostar's picture

I'm sure there's a correlation.. Anyone good with graphs?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:53 | Link to Comment Overfed
Overfed's picture

We need elevator permits with a mental health check first!!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:43 | Link to Comment disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

Perhaps we should tan them instead? That would help grow the economy...get people to think "I'm working so that I can then head South and work on my tan!" seriously tho...has anyone in New York thought of declaring "mental problems" an actual illness in need of treatment? Or do we all just stick with plan B and "pull all known medications that treat all known diseases off the shelves"? I mean there was a time when The City was actually had the forefront of this movement. Hmmm. I wonder what changed...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:09 | Link to Comment ChanceIs
ChanceIs's picture

How do you limit the clip size of a building?  This is all very illogical.

At a minimum we should have people register to enter a building - after a background check - and keep a log of all such entries.

Oh.  And make sure that they took basic training to how to use a building.  You know.....read "Buildings for Dummies."

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:14 | Link to Comment metastar
metastar's picture

No more than 10 floors. No express elevators. No elevators. Stairs only.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:03 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

And only one person at a time

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:14 | Link to Comment Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

- And in one stroke of genius you'll also be making big inroads into the "Obesity Pandemic."

Place restrooms & Cafeteria on the top level, and if they want to "utilise the facilities" or have a snack, at least some of the calories will HAVE to be worked off in just getting there (and back!)

http://healthfitnessexperts.com/calories-burned-climbing-stairs/  two minutes stair-walking every day is "worth" one pound in flab NOT collected every year! Make that 10 flights 2-3 times a day for even 5/7 and it'll really bring BMI down for a LOT of "moderately overweight" individuals.

Lower BMI = lower healthcare costs = greater useful (i.e. productive) life expectancy = everyone benefits.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:21 | Link to Comment TraderTimm
TraderTimm's picture

The TSA will extend their authority and initiate the "Tenament Safety Association" tasked with the permit and licensing of all exterior openings on a building. Don't mind the sensor clusters, citizen, they're there for your protection. We will also fine you for smoking or using any illegal drugs detected by our sensor stalks. Video may be captured as well - after all, what do you have to hide?

Yes, I'm not seriously suggesting it - and the thought of all that does make me ill.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:31 | Link to Comment Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Since this is a significant safety issue, you'll have to have an annual re-accreditation framework, which will provide the basis for a whole new "Industry". Just think - there's bound to be a "need" for a BS minimum in "Building Useage Safety Training", with the added business opportunity for providing a postgraduate Masters course for those who want to enter this "booming area"!!

You'll need State and maybe Federal oversight / management, maybe a dedicated Senator (or many) - they'll need office space (low-rise of course) in which to operate, and there will certainly be a need for "high level safe training facilities" to provide hands-on instruction for those obliged to work or live more than 10m off the ground . . . . .

Look at all the NEW jobs you've magically created - and all the new work provided for the ailing Construction Industry (someone's gotta build all these buildings).

Quick - let's notify the President - this MUST be worthy of an Executive Order, don't you think??

(sarc OFF!!)

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:26 | Link to Comment DRT RD
DRT RD's picture

They already banned jumping from bridges where I live!!!!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:45 | Link to Comment bloostar
bloostar's picture

Next you'll want to ban tents and umbrellas. Where does it end. Where does it END! /sarc

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:38 | Link to Comment Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Thought umbrellas were already banned in thunderstorm prone areas, 'cause of the "Zap - Sizzle - Game Over" phenomenon . . ? ?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:20 | Link to Comment dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

Ill have to blame the Rothchilds for this..............

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:21 | Link to Comment 101 years and c...
101 years and counting's picture

if you're going to jump, do it from a bridge.  if you jump off a building, theres a chance you land on someone or in a street, causing an accident.  so, if you feel the need to jump, be courteous of others.  thank you.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:24 | Link to Comment bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

yes, i believe that is a very common PSA on most ny radio stations.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:27 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

What if you land on somebody's boat... Punch a hole through the keel... & sink it [& all their gold to the bottom]?...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:39 | Link to Comment The big unzip
The big unzip's picture

Cause there are still people in driving boats, and if you knock a hole in one  everybody will drown.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:22 | Link to Comment ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Why isn't Bloomie offering suicide packages? 

You know, some morphine, a couple of martini's, and an oxycontin/Ambien pill package.

Think of the money it will save the pension funds, the healthcare industry, and Social Security! (not to mention NYPD and FNYC).

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:11 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Jumping from bidges can disrupt shipping.

No the government needs to embark on a program to equip every major US city with OSHA-approved jumping-off platforms. They wouldn't have to be very high, all you need is provide an uneven surface of broken basalt to land on. They would provide safety harnesses for the way up, give proper instruction on how to land on your head with the greatest chance of breaking your neck, and then take any last statement. It would be really efficient; the police and paramedics would not need to respond, nobody goes to the hospital, and the coronor could have a team on standby at the site (this service could even be contracted out as a savings). In the off-chance the jumper fails to kill themselves on the rocks, someone could be there handy to administer the mercy with an ax.

On second thought, forget the government. This should be handled by a private company and a 50 year franchise, the way cable companies do it. Either the jumper pays a fee on the way up or the government pays the fee afterwards, maybe a bit of both.

So who's in with me? I need about $10M in seed capital to design a prototype tower and to market the idea to local Chambers of Commerce. I figure we can have an early lock on a $200M/yr vertical, with 50 year franchise agreements in 200 major markets by the end of 2015. Just about in time for the end of the entire fucking world. Can you imagine the fees we can collect jumping 300 million Americans?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:14 | Link to Comment MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

If I don't die, I'll sue you for malpractice.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 13:44 | Link to Comment Curt W
Curt W's picture

Think of the marketing potential if we sold the rights to reality tv to build and maintain this facility.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:19 | Link to Comment Savyindallas
Savyindallas's picture

Please don't make light of this  -these people are tormented and in great pain. We ZH'ers are above that. Wall Street greed and fraud has caused millions of ruined lives and thousands of suicides from people in total despair. Some day these desparate , lost and frightened souls will take up arms and fight their oppressors  -rather than take their own lives.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:23 | Link to Comment nmewn
nmewn's picture

Kinda hard to do when they're flat as a pancake. The least they could do is aim for a limo or...whatever...on the way down.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 02:06 | Link to Comment Freddie
Freddie's picture

Well yeah it is very sad.  How many lives have been destroyed or will be destroyed by Hope and Change and banksters?

How many young men and innocent civilians have died in wars and world wars engineered by banksters and their proxies?

We can only laugh and make sick jokes because what else can we do?  Revolution? 

Too many idiots watch TV and Hollywood's brainwashing shot or are more excited about the new iPhone 6.   Boiling frogs and media loving sheep.

Yeah it all makes me sick and I mourn for these poor souls.  Very sad.

Sat, 01/12/2013 - 08:33 | Link to Comment de3de8
de3de8's picture

What about the fish?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:21 | Link to Comment orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

How many jumpers are normal though?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:24 | Link to Comment PivotalTrades
PivotalTrades's picture

None ,,they are all crazy!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:05 | Link to Comment XitSam
XitSam's picture

Ha ha. But really, is this a epidemic? Greater numbers than in previous years? Or just media sensationalism to drive public policy?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:12 | Link to Comment orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

That was my pun way of asking too.....obviously they are not normal but how many jumpers do you get on a normal basis?

 

 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:55 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

<== I predict I get ZERO greens here

<== I predict I get 2 red arrows here

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:17 | Link to Comment MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I keep one set in my trunk, you know, just in case. I guess two would be better, in case the first set don't work and all...but one is "normal." Or zero really, so many are unprepared you know, but then again...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:33 | Link to Comment ar01
ar01's picture

.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:23 | Link to Comment orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

live free and life is worth living....

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:23 | Link to Comment Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

So clearly we need legislation controlling the height of buildings...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:24 | Link to Comment MiltonFriedmans...
MiltonFriedmansNightmare's picture

So should we ban gravity, or maybe just bridges? In the words of our immortal VP JB, if only a single life is saved, it's worth it.

You're call Barry........

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:29 | Link to Comment MiltonFriedmans...
MiltonFriedmansNightmare's picture

Here's an even better idea; improve the human condition.  Good luck with that one, BO.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:24 | Link to Comment Dollar Bill Hiccup
Dollar Bill Hiccup's picture

Bloomberg to announce a ban on GRAVITY.

But seriously, people are cracking.

Watching the sponsored smiley face while getting bent over, will do that.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:26 | Link to Comment DrDre
DrDre's picture

No, the two problems are not connected. Individual freedom allows someone to take his/her own life, but taking the life of others is a different story altogether. We cannot start a witch hunt to identify all the nuts out there. 

 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:32 | Link to Comment Dollar Bill Hiccup
Dollar Bill Hiccup's picture

BIDEN ANNOUNCES MANDATORY PSYCHIATRIC EXAMS AND TESTING FOR EVERYONE ...

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:06 | Link to Comment XitSam
XitSam's picture

Biden should go first. As an example.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:32 | Link to Comment ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

I'm certain that if Biden can get a law passed banning jumping from higher than 10 feet this will solve the problem because everyone follows the law.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 17:32 | Link to Comment akak
akak's picture

When jumping is outlawed, only outlaws will still jump.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:22 | Link to Comment MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

It's the end of basket ball. Then it will go underground. Black market. People will pay alot to see it.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:35 | Link to Comment Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I beg to differ. When you have an economic depression , a break down in society and in most cases heavy pharmaceutical involvement...then you have a recipe for people to snap. People snap in differnet ways, it a travesty no matter how you look at it.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 19:03 | Link to Comment Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

There doesn't need to be an economic depression. If you review the statistics, and read the papers in some of the more prominent Psychology / Psychiatry journals, THE overriding reason for attempted (i.e. unsuccessful) suicide is a feeling or conviction that the future is going to be worse than the present and that there is no reasonable set of circumstances that will ameliorate this situation.

Attemptees are often high-achievers, and in this subset the major cause of attempted suicide is being sidelined, or seeing less qualified / experienced colleagues being promoted over them (courtesy of family / social connections).

Cronyism / nepotism therefore has the dual disadvantage of eliminating those who "actually could do the job better" from the workforce, whilst promoting those who are less able (but better-connected).

And that folks is where we are right now, in a nutshell. It's not what you know but who you know; it doesn't matter what Degree you study, rather where you study it.

Don't think so?? Just look around at the "Good and the Great", especially in Banking / Politics.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:56 | Link to Comment goodrich4bk
goodrich4bk's picture

If you like to "read the statistics", as you say, read my post below.  The higest suicide rates in the nation are in the least populated states --- Wyoming, Montana and Alaska --- and the lowest suicide rate is in New York.  Even lower than New York is New York City.

Ergo, the "statistics" do not suggest that suicides are often high-achievers.  I don't know myself why somebody would want to kill themselves, but I suspect that clinical depression would more often be a likely cause.  As that can often be treated, I would expect higher suicides in cultures where asking for help is not acceptable.  Perhaps that's why suicide rates are higher in Wyoming, Montana and Alaska, where the residents often pride themselves on their independence and not "needing" anybody's help.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 21:09 | Link to Comment Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Try reviewing the published statistics WORLDWIDE.

There is life outside the USA don't you know . . . . . .

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:27 | Link to Comment The Master
The Master's picture

"The rent is too damn high"

 

Fuck you Bernanke

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:31 | Link to Comment MiltonFriedmans...
MiltonFriedmansNightmare's picture

Not if you get a bankster bonus.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:17 | Link to Comment metastar
metastar's picture

Gold Bitchez - 2012

Fuck You Bernanke - 2013

+1000

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:28 | Link to Comment Kaiser Sousa
Kaiser Sousa's picture

please tell me they're all bankers....

please!!!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:29 | Link to Comment patrickegan3
patrickegan3's picture

Can we just get the politicians to repeal the law of gravity, and then all will be OK.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:30 | Link to Comment lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

BAN HEIGHTS!!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:31 | Link to Comment Hammerabi
Hammerabi's picture

Where's Third Eye Blind when you need them?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:21 | Link to Comment General Decline
General Decline's picture

I couldn't think of a scenerio where we would ever need those guys again.  Who knew?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:03 | Link to Comment quartshort
quartshort's picture

My first thought: HedPE

"What could be better that a swan dive into the asphalt?"

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:32 | Link to Comment Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

how do you say Geronimo in Mandarin ?

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:46 | Link to Comment Osmium
Osmium's picture

Whoa, hold on there.  I don't think shouting Geronimo before you  jump is politically correct.  Should be replaced with Baumgartner!!!!!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:59 | Link to Comment Tortuga
Tortuga's picture

Maozedong.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:32 | Link to Comment zilverreiger
zilverreiger's picture

270 park avenue NYC Jumper JPM penthouse 

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:34 | Link to Comment Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

the thought gave me wood.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 18:11 | Link to Comment NoClueSneaker
NoClueSneaker's picture

200 West Street NYC Jumper bounced back ... :-(

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:32 | Link to Comment caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

news alert, bloomberg to ban legs as to many jumpers in new york! will all new yorkers please report to your local hospital to have your legs cut off. problem fixed

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:34 | Link to Comment Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

no Bronx Jumpers ?????.......EBT still working !!

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 16:21 | Link to Comment 10mm
10mm's picture

They won't be jumping in the Bronx,they will be lying in wait.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:36 | Link to Comment arby63
arby63's picture

2013 Tall Building Ban: No buildings over 12-feet. Maximum Occupancy: 10

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:40 | Link to Comment Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

Assault Buildings! Clearly, buildings have too many stories in them. If we would just restrict the sales of buildings to those with ten or fewer stories, the problem would be solved.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:41 | Link to Comment Troncom
Troncom's picture

Hopefully coming to Canary Wharf soon

http://goo.gl/vZu7h

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 15:42 | Link to Comment lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

Meh they are from NYC... not a big loss. Now if they could install more tall buildings and more bridges in California, Illinois and Washington DC maybe things could get better.

Fri, 01/11/2013 - 20:28 | Link to Comment Freddie
Freddie's picture

Mets fans?  Giants fans? 

NY Times journalists? (we can hope on that one)

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