A Little 2nd Amendment Night Humor

Tyler Durden's picture

On occasion, truth is stranger than fiction; and in the somewhat surreal world in which we now inhabit, The Onion's perfect parody of where we are headed could have been lifted from any mainstream media front-page with little questioning from the majority of Americans. For your reading pleasure, the 62-year-old with a gun that is the last man standing between the American people and full-scale totalitarian government takeover.


Bailey, the last thing standing between the American people and a totalitarian state.


Originally posted at The Onion,

NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.


Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.


Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch.


“It is every American’s right to be good and armed, and that’s a right that should always be protected,” said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the government’s hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nation’s streets. “Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. That’s what America is all about.”


“What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids?” continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. “Is that the future you want?”


Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists.


Additional reports confirmed that Bailey’s frequent practice of shooting his gun at empty bean cans in his backyard has repeatedly forced government officials to reassess both their ground and air strategies for the impending takeover.


“The way I see it, the Second Amendment’s been keeping this nation free and secure for well over 200 years,” Bailey said, valiantly standing in front of his home that is constantly being monitored by CIA agents and elite Special Forces operatives, who are told to maintain a safe distance from the formidable 62-year-old. “First they’ll come for our guns and next…well, shoot, I don’t really plan on ever seeing what the hell happens next.”


While the federal government is more than adequately prepared to begin the first phase of its plan of convoying Second Amendment adherents to newly established FEMA concentration camps, high-level members of the Obama Administration involved in the widespread conspiracy confirmed that they have been forced to resort to alternate methods due solely to Bailey’s heroics.


“As long as there’s someone like Earl out there with a gun and ammunition, we are unable to carry out our attack on America,” said Maxwell Caufield, a covert military leader in charge of the operation to turn the country into an authoritarian, one-party state wherein the basic rights of citizens are stripped away in order to create total government control. “Try as we did to spread our distorted gun control propaganda—claiming that it would protect innocent people across the country from needless deaths—the man just wouldn’t bite. There is simply nothing we can do about Earl and his gun, damn him.”


“You’ve got to hand it to him, really,” Caufield added. “If it weren’t for Earl, you’d be looking at a totally different country.”

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Fedaykinx's picture

yeah, good old earl, and millions of other gun-owning americans.

DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Yes!  + 1

And hurray for The Onion as well.

Will he (rather someone like him) be the LAST guy who says "Molon Labe"?

hedgeless_horseman's picture



Reston, VA—According to numerous reports, fringe blogger Tyler Durden, who owns a website and has access to a Bloomber terminal, is currently the last bastion of defense between the financial markets and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.


Durden, a former trader and a proud advocate of free markets, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true Austrian, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.


Since the late 2000s, sources estimated the blogger has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the safety of his firewalled server.


TruthInSunshine's picture

The Tylers have built an army.

They've learned the lessons of the master strategist in tactics, Sun Tzu.

Feinstein will introduce her symbolic, destined for absolute failure, AWB/firearm grab legislation on this Thursday.

If you like this educational slide show as much as I do, that - gasp! - uses actual facts & studies, versus emotional manipulation and actual lies, pay it forward: http://www.assaultweapon.info/

MILLER: National 'assault weapon' ban coming Thursday

Washington Times (blog) ‎- 7 hours ago

Sen. Dianne Feinstein's office confirmed that she will be introducing in the Senate Thursday a new version of the so-called assault weapon ban ...

DeadFred's picture

Does anyone know what Bailey's Zerohedge name is?

Rogue Trooper's picture

Assuming the Tyler's are part of the greater NWO conspiracy, and this site was established by the NSA has a cunning way to entrap and ensare those who engaged in unamerikcan activity such as accumulating Gold, Guns and Grub.  Data on all those ZH 'Austrians' out there will have already been provided to THE MAN.  Including Bailey's ISP information along with the rest of us .... see all you terrist dudes in FEMA Camp Bravo.

I just hope Bailey has at least three 12 gauge OOO Buckshot rounds left in the last box. Otherwise ALL is lost.


TruthInSunshine's picture

Shit's gettin' real, yo.


Utah sheriffs warn Obama of deadly war over guns

Utah sheriffs warn Obama of deadly war over guns

January 20, 2013 | 1:28 pm | Modified: January 20, 2013 at 1:30 pm

In the most strident warning over gun control to President Obama yet, the Utah Sheriffs' Association is pledging to go to war over any administration plan to take guns away, even if it means losing their lives.

Calling the Second Amendment a sacred right of citizens to protect themselves from "tyrannical subjugation," the association state elected sheriffs said in a new letter, "we are prepared to trade our lives for the preservation of its traditional interpretation."

Theirs is the first meaningful proof that some in law enforcement and the military are preparing to fight federal forces if the president wins his goal of sweeping gun control.

In a direct warning to Obama, the FBI and other agencies, the sheriffs wrote: "Make no mistake, as the duly-elected sheriffs our our respective counties, we will enforce the rights guaranteed to our citizens by the Constitution. No federal official will be permitted to descend upon our constituents and take from them what the Bill of Rights--in particular Amendment II--has given them."

While he wants an assault weapons ban and limits on ammo magazines, the president has not yet suggested he wants to confiscate guns.

The association revealed their concerns in a letter to the president just made public. It was sent on January 17. It opens by decrying the recent shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn.

But the group argued that guns are simply "instruments," and that they are needed by law-abiding citizens to sometimes subdue killers. "The citizenry must continue its ability to keep and bear arms, including arms that adequately protect them from all types of illegality," said the letter.

Several groups have argued that assault weapons and high-capacity magazines are needed for self defense.

The association also called on Obama to push his efforts through Congress, not executive orders with no debate. "Please remember that the Founders of this great nation created the Constitution, and its accompanying Bill of Rights, an effort to protect citizens from all forms of tyrannical subjugation."

SilverIsKing's picture

Given the banksters call the shots, I'm surprised no one has yet to suggest the one countermeasure that those who support the second amendment could enact if any kind of gun control measure were to pass. This action on the part of gun owners and others who support the right to own guns would hit the banks where it hurts. Do you know what I'm saying?

chumbawamba's picture

Defend the 2nd Amendment: invest in machining tools.

I am Chumbawamba.

Richard Chesler's picture

Too bad generation fuckbook will happily hand over Earl's guns once he's gone.


GetZeeGold's picture




Word is Earl doesn't have an FB account......nor does he twitter.

trav777's picture

doesn't matter.  Earl is the wrong demographic.  Therefore, he is illegitimate.  People like him were around when we had "colored drinking fountains."  That was HIS era.  So he and everything he stands for have no legitimacy.  The same is true of those white slave owner founding fathers.

We should collectively reject everything they and this society has ever stood for up until 1969.  Racism is the ONLY thing that matters and it alone is enough to wipe out and overshadow ANY merit on ANY other thing.  It doesn't matter if you cured cancer tomorrow if you're a racist.  It makes you evil and it makes your curing cancer evil.

The America that's coming does not look like what you saw in old B&W movies or on old TV shows depicting happy nuclear families.  America now is culturally vibrant and diverse and people who have diversity DO NOT WANT TO OWN GUNS, have rights or noncorrupt governments, functioning economies or efficient national infrastructure.  They want gibs me dat and they want it NOW.  They want food and big screen TVs and some spending money and to party.

They don't want to hear about your racist guns.  In a vibrant and diverse society, guns kill tons of people.  In big cities, every day...dozens on weekends.  It's got to stop.  These were good kids, turning their lives around until a gun was put into the mix at the wrong place and the wrong time.

Stackers's picture

So where was the joke in this article ? I missed it .....

Another Texan's picture

I hear Earl drinks coffee with Chuck Norris every morning.

Kingkongballs827's picture

This is the only way to protect yourself from the government taking your guns. Burry them! 

PVC Gun Burial Tube. Holds 3 long rifles Ak47, SKS, AR15 plus ammo and gold & silver. Check it out here.



Tristan Ludlow's picture

You can make your own for far less.

molon labe


mjcOH1's picture

"You can make your own [burial tube] for far less. molon labe"


oh, the irony......

Stackers's picture

$300 ?!?!? .... does it come with the guns and ammo pictured, since thats about $10 in PVC pipe ?

LFMayor's picture

If you know of AK's for sale at 300.00, then do tell.  I'll be in the pickup and enroute in less than 15 minutes.

but I get you man, it's for people who don't know how to run a hacksaw and cannot apply PVC cement.

Overfed's picture

What fuckin' good is it if it's buried? When you think it's time to bury your guns, it's actually time to make them ready to use, man.

Lore's picture

You'll never explicitly 'lose' your guns. The process will simply become progressively more difficult, with micro-management (e.g., more rigorous and detailed profiling), hyper-enforcement (fees and fines), taxes (e.g., carbon tax on ammo for "green house gas emissions"), and anything else that will make it so bloody inconvenient that the average schmuck will just throw up his hands. And the features and selection will get whittled down, a little at a time, year after year, until even a BB gun gets classified as a "tactical assault weapon."

Supernova Born's picture

What's "funny" is Bloomberg's 25 billion vs. the NRA's 200 million war chest.

Get busy living politically-speaking or get busy kissing the likes of Bloomberg's ass for the rest of you and your descendants lives.

Buckaroo Banzai's picture

...and you know it's true because that's exactly what they have been doing in England for the last 20 years.

trav777's picture

if you watched the Olympics then you also know that besides this, what England has been most busy doing is enhancing diversity and multiculturalism.

They want diversity; they don't want guns and racism.

GeezerGeek's picture

Apparently Charlie Rangel doesn't approve of all types of cultural diversity, only those that meet with his approval. http://cnsnews.com/news/article/rep-charlie-rangel-guns-some-southern-ar...


DosZap's picture

The man knows no shame, is a racist pig, and if he thinks anyone can change the thinking,and traditions of the southern states he is on acid.

trav777's picture

No; in fact, it is YOU who are the pig (awaiting slaughter), because you just acceded to the existence and use of the TERM ITSELF, when Rangel WOULD NOT EVER acknowledge that this LABEL has ANY APPLICATION TO HIM.

You are playing a game with your hands tied behind your back and wondering why your face is getting beaten in.

Cui bono?  RESEARCH who invented the TERM, who they were and why they did it.

tarsubil's picture

There is zero documentation for half the guns I own. There are so many God damned guns out there already, regulating them away won't work. It will take confiscation in order to disarm the populace. I honestly feel gold and silver are a bigger threat to the Feds than guns are.

Lore's picture

It's more a matter of regulating YOU than the guns.

Welcome to Political Ponerology 101.

Muddy1's picture

While I admire what the association has said, the reality is that if they do not enforce the laws DC will simply cutoff various sources of federal funds to the state, such as highway funds, until the laws are enforced.  Perhaps the association should figure out a way to cutoff the power supply to the super computer data mining farm in Utah.  That'll screw things up, especially if there is no fuel for backup generators.  You can bet the place isn't operating on "GREEN" solar and wind energy.

GeezerGeek's picture

While agreeing with the intent expressed by the sheriffs, I have a problem with one particular statement as quoted by TIS. "No federal official will be permitted to descend upon our constituents and take from them what the Bill of Rights--in particular Amendment II--has given them."

The second amendment does not give the people a new right, it simply affirms a pre-existing right to self-defense (individual or group) and says it shall not be infringed. The right to self-defense derives from natural law, and I believe it is discussed by Bastiat in The Law. (I could be wrong about that, but I'm not able to verify that right now.) Minor detail, but important to those who seek to follow the Constitution. That, of course, excludes Obama, Feinstein, and most of the other bozos in DC. 

tarsubil's picture

This point can't be stressed enough. The way they phrase it makes the Constitution some holy life giving document. It is just a piece of paper that documents natural laws. Every person has the right for self-preservation and we are all given the will to survive. That's the way things work and how they were made. A government force that tries to take that away will naturally fail. Sooner or later.

TruthInSunshine's picture

GG, TB-- 100% agreement. It was poor choice of wording that the Utah Sheriffs' Association used.

The 2nd Amendment, just as all of the Amendments, does not bestow rights upon the citizenry, but rather acknowledges them as pre-existing, inherent rights, and does so in the form of a written, legal document (that just so happens to restrain the power of the government).

H E D G E H O G's picture

think it's "Irish Cream"....

JeffB's picture

A couple of points in re: ending gun violence. It looks like Obama and his liberal cohort are aiming at the wrong target:

Obama/Biden Knowingly Avoid Right Target to Stop Gun Violence


On another note, I received this from an email. I can't attest to the source, nor hence to the veracity, but didn't see it listed on Snopes. For what it's worth, here is what is alleged:

It appears we should join the current hysteria and suggest the evidence shows that all registered Democrats should be confiscated. We know who they are- ~ they're registered!
Why is it the progressive liberals that steal guns, who then go and kill movie goers and children in school, have never been a conservative NRA member?

Ft Hood~~~ Registered Democrat ~ Muslim

Columbine ~~~ Too young to vote; both families were registered Democrats and progressive liberals

Virginia Tech ~~~ Wrote hate mail to President Bush and to his staff ~ Registered Democrat

Colorado Theater ~~~ Registered Democrat; staff worker on the Obama campaign; Occupy Wall Street participant; progressive liberal

Connecticut School Shooter- ~~~ Registered Democrat; hated Christians

Common thread is that all of these shooters were progressive liberal Democrats."

INTERESTING, isn't it?

Manthong's picture

Chomsky talks out of both sides of his mouth all the while skimming the system nicely along with the “privileged few” he pretends to deride.


zhandax's picture

I have found Chomsky to be my favorite source of rebuttal for my few uber-liberal friends.  He has caused me to formulate a hypothesis that philosophy forms a circle; and on the hypothetical closure of that circle, ultra right and ultra left join in Chomsky's favored area of interest; anarchy.  It may have been Alinsky who proposed rebutting opposing arguments by positing an extreme argument of similar tennor.  Over a 50+ year tenure at MIT, Chomsky was quoted extensively, and it is usually possible to find some of it which will support either side of almost any argument.

chumbawamba's picture

I once bought a CD of a speech Chomsky gave somewhere at some time about something.  It was so dry it scratched the lens of my CD player and it had to be replaced.  Chomsky is what you might dub the prototypical "useful idiot".  A zionist in a gentle old professor's wool sweater.

I am Chumbawamba.

zhandax's picture

chumbawamba, that is my exact point; he is a useful idiot who can be re-purposed.  His comfort zone is the ass-end of the philosophical spectrum where right meets left. There is no compromise on the horizon; this will end poorly.  May as well make sport of the L v R argument for entertainment until that happens.

overmedicatedundersexed's picture

I was scared of mao and pol pot hated them both because of being yellow, I  hated stalin because he had black hair, I hated sadam because of terminal acne, I HATE OBUMA because of his black skin..nothing to do with crimes and killings and fascism from this group... only thing I  am capable of thinking about is race RACE, idiots who resort to attacks about our racism i hate the most for their sick minds filled with hate at the truth right before them, these evil men are evil .. 

trav777's picture

this is the only thing a nondiverse person IS capable of thinking about.

It's high time we got more diversity like Detroit, where racism has been conquered and utopia has broken out as a result.  Destroying racist societies must be a prime objective.

If you see certain groups behaving in shamelessly ethocentric manners, this is just your racism confusing you.  There wouldn't happen to be interests vested in the destruction of western society or anything.  There are no groups that crusade to ferret out racism but which run their own apartheid State.  An ethnically interlocked cabal does NOT exist which so controls the popular message that they get to DEFINE the meaning of "racism."  One of their cousins was not actually who originally coined the term to apply to only one group.

JeffB's picture

Racism is certainly a corrosive scourge upon society, but I'm not quite sure what your point is. Are you alleging that racism is what motivates all or even most of the criticism of these despots? ... ie. "Racists hated them, therefore we should reject hatred of their policies and actions"? If so, I vociferously reject your straw man argument.

You are being rather racist in your criticism of racists, by the way. It seems to me that your criticism is primarily of white racists. Using your methodology, why not broaden your horizons and include African American racists as well, for example? Do not some black racists hate people like David Duke, Ku Klux Klansmen or white supremicists because of the color of their skin? Should we not dismiss criticisms of their beliefs and actions because some people automatically hate them because of their race/skin color?

We wouldn't want to be racists ourselves in our critique of racism now would we?

trav777's picture

racism is a scourge?  There you go again...they put you into a box.

Research the label.  It's a contrivance, INTENDED to apply to YOU and only YOU and for whatever THEY say it means AT THAT MOMENT.

You really seem to have put some thought into all this idiocy in your post, it's a mountain of sh!t.  "African American" lol...what a dumb c#nt you are

Shell Game's picture


There is an interesting fiction on the very topic of the closure of that circle...

'Army of the Republic', by Stuart Archer Cohen

Doomer's picture

"First they ignore you, then they mock you, then they fight you ... then you win."

M. Gandhi