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Crunching Complex Concepts In The Corner - Caption Contest

Tyler Durden's picture





 

Is this what tax season prep looks like when you have a Congressionally-imposed ban from using TurboTax? We will let readers decide...

 

 


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Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:11 | Link to Comment Ivanovich
Ivanovich's picture

Wait...what's this "Healtcare mandate" clause?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:21 | Link to Comment nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

Germany thinks they'll get it all back in 7 years.  Ha - Corzined 'em.

 

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:22 | Link to Comment Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Ah, it feels good to have such a long silver boner coming out of my ass.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:29 | Link to Comment Manthong
Manthong's picture

Thought bubble:

“ If those GOP bastards will just let up a bit,  maybe I can get my desk back from pawn.”

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:37 | Link to Comment Slewburger
Slewburger's picture

"I yelled at Ben to print, and he told me the inflation numbers didn't correlate to GDP growth, it was at that point I realized he was using TurboTax. I swear my prinout is here somewhere."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:44 | Link to Comment Nihilarian
Nihilarian's picture

Memorizing lines for the sequel, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:45 | Link to Comment ZippyBananaPants
ZippyBananaPants's picture

It's hard to fart sitting like this

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:45 | Link to Comment fuu
fuu's picture

Hank only needed 3 pages.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:02 | Link to Comment fourchan
fourchan's picture

this is goldman, the mission if you choose to accept it is to head up our world

branch the imf. good work fucking america for us and good luck at the imf tim.

this chair will self destruct in 54321...poof

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:27 | Link to Comment Sophist Economicus
Sophist Economicus's picture

"Didn't I fill out all these forms a few years ago?"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:38 | Link to Comment Stackers
Stackers's picture

When no chairs are left at the kids table.....

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:46 | Link to Comment NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Schedule C.... Schedule C...... where the hell is that Schedule C?

Ah, fuck it, I'll just fill in what I want and blame it on Turbo Tax.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:07 | Link to Comment SafelyGraze
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 00:36 | Link to Comment All Risk No Reward
All Risk No Reward's picture

"If the Fed/Mega Bank Duopoly lends America $20 FRNs @ 5%, America will owe $21 in a year, yet they only have $20...  so they can't pay and my bosses OWN their *sses.

The American Republic couldn't be slayed by the world's largest military of its day, which was unbeaten up to that point, but is slayed with 5th grade math.

I can't believe these f*ers got away with it!

5th grade math...  Darwin must've been right.  These people are really dumb.

Debt Money Tyranny - identify the real criminals and pay it forward:

http://www.keepandshare.com/doc/4768883/debtmoneytyranny-6-1-pdf-60k?tr=77

They hate you, people - and middle management and engineering types, you need to wake up before they bust you, too.  They want to bust us all - and when they do, there ain't no going back.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 04:42 | Link to Comment zhandax
zhandax's picture

"WTF is with this application?! Goldman already has a DNA sample and knows I like it on my knees"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 08:45 | Link to Comment kralizec
kralizec's picture

"Hmm...nothing in here about me and those two gay rodeo clowns...I'm good!"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:43 | Link to Comment Shell Game
Shell Game's picture

'Dammit, Simon Black said this expatriation paperwork was easy!'

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:29 | Link to Comment Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

or "LOTR IV:  The Scouring of the Shire"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:35 | Link to Comment bdc63
bdc63's picture

We'll, at least they didn't make me wear the 'dunce' cap this time ...

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:17 | Link to Comment jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

Nobody puts baby in the corner

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:11 | Link to Comment akak
akak's picture

What does it mean, "color inside the lines"?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:19 | Link to Comment kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

LOL              hujel

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 03:54 | Link to Comment AgShaman
AgShaman's picture

"I only wear this cheap suit cuz' they said I couldn't be in my pajamas"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:22 | Link to Comment I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture

Behind the curtain is the great and powerful Oz.....er.....Timmy?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:25 | Link to Comment I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture

Or a tribute to Monty Hall...

 

And behind Curtain number two is a pile of number two....

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:50 | Link to Comment NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Ben told me there would be naked girls coming down this pole but all I find is this pile of forms with a note from Lloyd saying "Sorry for the deception, Tim, but I'm gonna need you to finish my taxes now."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:41 | Link to Comment sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

[Agent TK421 reads to itself in Thermian...]

 

 

TOP SECRET


To:      Agent TK421 [a.k.a.: Geithner]

From:  Central Command

 

Psy Op mission complete.  Human social chaos is assured.  Please find enclosed your evac kit:

 

Three (3) vials of soylent green for emergency nourishment;


One (1) "How to Act Human and Pretend to Have Empathy: A field guide for Thermian agents";


One (1) letter of indemnification from the U.S. Justice Department.

 

You and other agents of your op will rendezvous at 21-Alpha with Thermian battle cruiser: My Precious for immediate dust-off and shuttle to mother ship.  Report to Lieutenant Svytnilqipoy for your instructions regarding imminent ground invasion of Earth.

 

General Bjorkyl out.

 

 

********This message will self-destruct*******

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:34 | Link to Comment Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

" Hey look, the old TARP request "  Hmmm.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:33 | Link to Comment LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

"Why the fuck did LongSoupLine tell me to meet him in this funeral home, and why do these papers say, "put head between legs asshole."?"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:52 | Link to Comment edb5s
edb5s's picture

"I really thought Davos would be nicer than this...wait a minute, this isn't Davos! Mapquest is more abstruse even than Turbotax!"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:04 | Link to Comment bobthehorse
bobthehorse's picture

I called my poor old mother.

I asked if there was any hope.

She told me I was adopted and not to call her again.

I'm crestfallen.

http://www.angrysinner.blogspot.kr/2013/02/thursday.html

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:44 | Link to Comment harlanaladd
harlanaladd's picture

"Dear Mr. Geithner:

We regret to inform you that we currently have no employment openings that are a good match for someone with your skills and experience. We will keep your resume on file for a year, and will be happy to inform you should a suitable opening appear.

Sincerely,...."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:25 | Link to Comment palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

....Starbucks

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:13 | Link to Comment AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Damn Goldman Sachs employment contract. Why do they have to be so wordy!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:15 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Where the fuck is the salary and bonus part?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:22 | Link to Comment Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Does selling my soul count as a depreciation of assets or capital gains?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:25 | Link to Comment OutLookingIn
OutLookingIn's picture

Okay.

Lets see if they have this correct.

If Jane has 12 apples and she gives seven to Larry...

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:42 | Link to Comment Vandemar
Vandemar's picture

Jane prints 12 more apples.  A monetary base of 12 apples discourages trade and is not enough for a healthy economy!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:26 | Link to Comment Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

Sorry, that's been gone for decades.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:43 | Link to Comment are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

It depends if it is sequestered.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:30 | Link to Comment palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Trick question.  When you're soulless it's just another fiat ponzi...but on the plus side, he never felt a thing.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:52 | Link to Comment Nihilarian
Nihilarian's picture

His stress test results came back positive.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:13 | Link to Comment localsavage
localsavage's picture

How the fuck is anyone supposed to understand which health care plan to go with?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:29 | Link to Comment DosZap
DosZap's picture

How the fuck is anyone supposed to understand which health care plan to go with?

 

Easy, the only one you can afford.

Most employers of size, will dump their plans.When that happens I see more fines for NO coverage than new mandated policies.

A LOT of states are not, and will not set up the Gov't Mandated Plans.

So who ya gonna call?.

IF your fortunate enough to be able to self insure, it will be on a Catostrophic,uber high deductible plan, or you will not have ANY.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:15 | Link to Comment Muppet Pimp
Muppet Pimp's picture

They never let me sit at the big kids table

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:16 | Link to Comment Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

"Looking at my contract I just realized I don't get any severance pay."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:27 | Link to Comment tenpanhandle
tenpanhandle's picture

Tiny (IQ) Tim finally reads the small print in his contract's severence clause - "off with his head"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:17 | Link to Comment BTFDemocracy
BTFDemocracy's picture

Looking for traces of Germany's 300 tonnes.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:17 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Crouching Liar

Hidden Cheats

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:45 | Link to Comment tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture

Hari Krishna! I gave those airport gurus $10,000 for these secrets of the Orient. I'm following the instructions, crossing my legs. Why aren't I levitating?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:19 | Link to Comment Ness.
Ness.'s picture

"Those fucking Goldman assholes - I make them Billions and they can't even throw in free parking"

 

 

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:19 | Link to Comment Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

Only 70,000 more pages of IRS code to read before I can file.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:30 | Link to Comment Rustysilver
Rustysilver's picture

Crap. " I can't read this; this is at the 8th grade level"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:18 | Link to Comment gmcniff
gmcniff's picture

Hank was right...their benefits are impressive.  But what the hell is this AMT line item?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:21 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Sometime in the future.......

"Wow....we are so fucking broke we cannot even afford chairs anymore...."(Thinking to himself)

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:21 | Link to Comment Frastric
Frastric's picture

Geithner: (Sniggers) Four years of FUBARing the USA economy and whoring myself to TBTF and all I'm facing are a couple of lawsuites...

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:21 | Link to Comment 1C3-N1N3
1C3-N1N3's picture

Paper: "Is that a bonus in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

Timmay: "No risk of that."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:22 | Link to Comment EmmittFitzhume
EmmittFitzhume's picture

And I leave my house in the Cayman Islands to...

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:23 | Link to Comment A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Well, last page, and as far as I can tell I don't get killed at the end of this script.......

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:23 | Link to Comment ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

Signing Contract: Geithner Hired as IMF Head

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:24 | Link to Comment Animal Cracker
Animal Cracker's picture

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:27 | Link to Comment gerriek
gerriek's picture

FOUND IT. On the last page. A summary of my strong US dollar policy.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:27 | Link to Comment CharliePrince
CharliePrince's picture

i should get paid big  for screwing the american public

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:29 | Link to Comment gmcniff
gmcniff's picture

"Gotta hand it to Jamie...I thought Larry went overboard but who puts an index on their resume?" 

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:29 | Link to Comment Squid-puppets a...
Squid-puppets a-go-go's picture

"Tarantino promised a feature role, but 'the Gimp'? ....where's my snappy dialogue? "

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:31 | Link to Comment Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Maybe I should call Auther Andersen.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:31 | Link to Comment Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture

hmm, Project Mayhem....nice.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:31 | Link to Comment James-Morrison
James-Morrison's picture

1. Pick up Michelle's dry cleaning. CHECK

2. Wash the Presidential Limo. CHECK

3. Tutor the girls in Math.  WHY DID THEY CROSS THAT ONE OFF, I WONDER????

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:31 | Link to Comment are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

Wow, I found $217 we haven't spent yet !!!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:31 | Link to Comment Smuckers
Smuckers's picture

Shit, McDonalds is looking for job references too.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:33 | Link to Comment Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

Everybody else got a fucking chair.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:36 | Link to Comment tenpanhandle
tenpanhandle's picture

And the music stopped...

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:36 | Link to Comment gmcniff
gmcniff's picture

"Are you kidding me?!!!  The Fed keeps minutes of ALL it's meetings!!!"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:38 | Link to Comment Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

Where are the chick pics?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:38 | Link to Comment Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Hello John...? I looked for the word vaporized and I can't find it anywhere. Can you tell me how you made 1.2 billion dollars disappear again?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:40 | Link to Comment Black Markets
Black Markets's picture

BEHOLD...

The Wizard of Oz !!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:41 | Link to Comment NoWayJose
NoWayJose's picture

This list of incriminating phone calls, emails, and documents that need to be burned keeps getting longer and longer...

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:43 | Link to Comment Tsunami Wave
Tsunami Wave's picture

I saw this fucking picture on CNBC.  The douchebags on there commented saying "awwwwwww", "he looks so smart", etc. Fuck you CNBC.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:47 | Link to Comment Racer
Racer's picture

'Oh Sh1t, I left  those extra 00000000000's off my expenses claim'

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:47 | Link to Comment mantrid
mantrid's picture

"now this one goes to fireplace"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:20 | Link to Comment knowless
knowless's picture

if only the epa hadn't already banned them..

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:47 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Math is Hard!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:14 | Link to Comment TomGa
TomGa's picture

"Thank you for your interest in Goldman Sachs. We'll keep your resume on file and notify you if a position matching your interests and abilities with Turbo Tax becomes available."

 

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:53 | Link to Comment nmewn
nmewn's picture

You're sitting on your W2 you fucking douche nozzle.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 19:54 | Link to Comment HD
HD's picture

The music stopped.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:23 | Link to Comment Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

...and all the chairs are taken.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:12 | Link to Comment hooligan2009
hooligan2009's picture

"fuck you bernanke!" (ups)

"now for the world!" (downs)

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:03 | Link to Comment Gamma735
Gamma735's picture

Little Timmy G has been sent to the corner for being a bad little boy.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:05 | Link to Comment SilverFish
SilverFish's picture

"Mr. Timmeh, your H&R Block representative will see you now."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:09 | Link to Comment ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Oh shit!  Blankfein told me that money was under the table!  That fucker itemized it as a charitable contribution!"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:11 | Link to Comment piceridu
piceridu's picture

Breath Timmy, breath...got to finish the last details of my new Keynesian Yoga proposal...should I call Turbo Tai-bo or Ponzi Pilates?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:10 | Link to Comment bugs_
bugs_'s picture

My resume is done but nobody will give me references

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:29 | Link to Comment monad
monad's picture

I'm waiting for my man 
Twenty-six dollars in my hand 

Up to Lexington 125 

Feeling sick and dirty, more dead than alive 
I'm waiting for my man 
Hey, white boy, what you doin' uptown? 
Hey, white boy, you chasin' our women around? 
Oh pardon me sir, it's furthest from my mind 
I'm just lookin' for a tinty friend of mine 
I'm waiting for my man 
Here he comes, he's all dressed in black 
PR shoes and a big straw hat 
He's never early, he's always late 
First thing you learn is you always gotta wait 
I'm waiting for my man 
Up to a Brownstone, up three flights of stairs 
Everybody's pinned you, but nobody cares 
He's got the works, gives you sweet taste 
Ah then you gotta split because you got no time to waste 
I'm waiting for my man 
Baby don't you holler, darlin' don't you bawl and shout 
I'm feeling good, you know I'm gonna work it on out 
I'm feeling good, I'm feeling so fine 
Until tomorrow, but that's just some other time 
I'm waiting for my man

Walk it home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOmZimH00oo

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:07 | Link to Comment raki_d
raki_d's picture

Wait- before i give this speech- was it in billions or trillions ??

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:29 | Link to Comment Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

How does ButtHead memorize his lines ?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:33 | Link to Comment Encroaching Darkness
Encroaching Darkness's picture

Fracking Federal purchasing specs! Eighty-seven pages of details and requirements for a simple trillion-dollar platinum coin? Who the hell is going to read all this? Just mint the damn thing......

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:35 | Link to Comment raki_d
raki_d's picture

Print a few bills & get my chair back !

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:38 | Link to Comment Town Crier
Town Crier's picture

Just ripped the face off the new acting IRS commissioner and he'll never even know what happened. Who's the Turbo Tax jerk now?! Ha!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:47 | Link to Comment NoelConfidence
NoelConfidence's picture

TIMMY'S DAILY AFFIRMATION....

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 20:48 | Link to Comment Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Lets see here, already told that lie, ummmm nope told that one too, errrrr ah ha heres one I havent used to often...there is no inflation!!!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:05 | Link to Comment raki_d
raki_d's picture

Fukk Ben- the printer z out of ink again !

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:12 | Link to Comment logicalman
logicalman's picture

54,846 pages in the tax code......

Need to maximize my deductions.

Hmm, this may take a while.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:27 | Link to Comment cowdiddly
cowdiddly's picture

What? a toupee is not allowed as a business deduction?

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:31 | Link to Comment gmcniff
gmcniff's picture

"Wait a minute...why is the Fed buying all our bonds?  Can they do that?  Ben - you have got to F**king tell me these things!!!"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:35 | Link to Comment CPL
CPL's picture

"I keep colouring outside the lines."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:43 | Link to Comment Shell Game
Shell Game's picture

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:40 | Link to Comment Chris88
Chris88's picture

"Wait, what the fuck is scarcity?"

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:49 | Link to Comment erg
erg's picture

I hate it when they hand me these papers with the tiny black squiggles on them. They act like they're really important so I stare at them for a while with a look of concentration on my face. This seems to satisfy them.

I find that sometimes when I stare at them for a really long time and frown at the funny squiggle thingies that they act impressed.

Whatever I'm doing, I guess I'm doing a really great job. It's inate.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:53 | Link to Comment rqb1
rqb1's picture

I bet one day CNBC will post this pic of me and say "he is just a regular guy like us", love CNBC, they are the best!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 21:54 | Link to Comment Flounder
Flounder's picture

lets see...white papers on stuff we're giving to the banks, one yellow paper on conditions, pink folder with kissy face thank you letters from Dimon and Blankfein...(g'damn repo men...next they'll take the curtains)...look, I really am Sec Treasury

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:00 | Link to Comment newengland
newengland's picture

I pity Geithner. He's another tool of dark forces beyond his comprehension, betrayed by baby boomers whose parents and grandparents sacrificed for a better world....and then saw their complacent  baby boomer offspring profit, leverage up insanely, and dump their debt on the children and grandchildren.

Timmy looks like a bewildered toddler in that picture, and so he is.

'Crush the bourgeoisie between the millstones of taxation and inflation,' said Lenin, hero of the Democrats, and EUSSR.

'The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life. '
Theodore Roosevelt

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:12 | Link to Comment erg
erg's picture

Homer: After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm going to get rich with this scheme...and quick.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:08 | Link to Comment Cosimo de Medici
Cosimo de Medici's picture

Okay, so it's off off-Broadway, but I can kill this Tinkerbell role, then it's Hollywood, here I come, baby!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:16 | Link to Comment UGrev
UGrev's picture

Chocolate Chip QE Recipe

1. The blood of a newborn. *check*

2. The blood of a sheep..*check*

3. The public hair from barny "check".. eww.. but *check*

4. Willing participants.. .. "fuck.. where do I get those? "

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:25 | Link to Comment hardcleareye
hardcleareye's picture

"public hair from barny..."

Thank you for that visual...... lol

 

 

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:40 | Link to Comment strangeglove
strangeglove's picture

How to Build a Guilotine for Dummies

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 22:50 | Link to Comment UGrev
UGrev's picture

" 1, 2 buckle my shoe.. 

3, 4 run for the door

5, 6, fuck some chicks

7, 8 run for the gate

9, 10 who's president again? MEEEEEEEE!!! that's whooo!!

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:28 | Link to Comment CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Yep, this restraining order looks to be legit - I guess I have to continue staying 500 yards away from competence at all times.

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:51 | Link to Comment WallowaMountainMan
WallowaMountainMan's picture

"I know I saw chairs in the budget."

Thu, 01/31/2013 - 23:52 | Link to Comment Proftrek
Proftrek's picture

Caption Contest:

"Whu can't I get a teleprompter?"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 00:03 | Link to Comment Agent P
Agent P's picture

"I have got this in the bag.  I am the perfect man for the job...awww fuck! I misspelled 'Resume'!"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 01:03 | Link to Comment SoCalBusted
SoCalBusted's picture

Future employment agreement from GS

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 01:10 | Link to Comment Chris88
Chris88's picture

"I just need to finish signing these divorce papers so Ben and I can begin our life together as one."

 

OR

 

"Why the hell is there such a tremendous amount of paperwork for Keebler citizenship?"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 02:03 | Link to Comment Cardinal Fang
Cardinal Fang's picture

"Why do they want to know all this just for a pistol permit?"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 03:50 | Link to Comment Vlad Tepid
Vlad Tepid's picture

Nobody likes me,

Everybody hates me,

Guess I'll eat some worms...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 03:52 | Link to Comment AgShaman
AgShaman's picture

"Because you are special...and Gosh Darn it...people like you"

-SS

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 06:44 | Link to Comment NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Meanwhile in a Congressional antechamber.......

concerned that his usual m.o. might be getting a bit stale...

 ...Timmy hurriedly reviews his own private draft-copy  of the Introductory Chapter to "1,001 Prevarications & Obfuscations - Or, How to Lie with Impunity to Those Dumb Phucks In Congress" ( by Hillary Of Benghazi) -  grasping for any nuances - before giving his parting testimony to the Senate Finance Committee.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 05:19 | Link to Comment slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

Spitzer you c***...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 07:07 | Link to Comment Stats_Junkie
Stats_Junkie's picture

There's got to be a synonym for 'tax'... all these 'tax breaks', 'tax rebates', 'tax credits for industrial development'. It lacks variety, my audience is going to be counting the ceiling tiles for entertainment before I'm through. Will have to trade in my speech-writer.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 09:22 | Link to Comment akarc
akarc's picture

This is the last representatives taxes Im doing!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 09:57 | Link to Comment Liquid Courage
Liquid Courage's picture

"If Train A leaves Jonesville at eight fifteen and travels toward Smithboro at 45 mph and Train B ... What the ...? So I guess about now Timmah Junior is turning my Tax Return in to his math teacher. Well that's just FUCKING GREAT!!"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 09:56 | Link to Comment wagthetails
wagthetails's picture

"Hey, I just met you,And this is crazy,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?......"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 10:44 | Link to Comment 3-and-30
3-and-30's picture

"Huh, so I guess I did forget to add tables and chairs to the treasury department's budget. Well fuck me then."

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