Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture

Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 

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johnconnor's picture

scissors vs 9mm ... sounds like a fair fight

quintago's picture

WTF do you expect from our government. They're always advocating the use of scissors in a gun fight. Look at Ben Bernanke for instance. Even though Krugman thinks he's using a bazooka, he's really only using scissors.

EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

9mm bullets bounce right off scissors

francis_sawyer's picture

Never bring a pair of scissors o a gunfight... Oh wait!

Bicycle Repairman's picture

Can I use scissors to fight off an airplane hijacker?  No, I cannot.

Popo's picture

This comes from the same fountain of wisdom that advised duct tape to defend against chemical attacks.

Raymond K Hessel's picture

If you want my scissors, you'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers.

No, really.  

If I'm expected to either cower under my desk or defend myself with office supplies, I'll most likely end up dead.  

How about packing heat?  So I can shoot back?  What my buddy has a firearm too?  What if Ellen from HR is also armed? What if we stop pretending that the only way we'll survive an attack is from a bunch of GED scholars? 

Esso's picture

Damn, you stole my thoughts.

EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Clint Eastwood "Do you feel lucky punk?" (holding a pair of scissors)

Pure Evil's picture

Maybe if DHS would come out with a snappy tune we could hum we wouldn't get so anxious while our co-workers are being slaughtered just a few cubicles over.

Duck and Cover

TwoShortPlanks's picture

No Guns = No Shooters = Gov Authorities light on weaponry.

No wonder the US Gov is's forced to deal with a population which is excessively armed, massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick. I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT FOR GOING HEAVY.

Do the math, dumb fucks!

duo's picture

how's the weather in Quantico tonight?  Oh, I forgot, your cubicle is underground.

Cheesy Bastard's picture

In the video, they forgot the last step.  Get a plaque in your honor which names that wing of the school in your memory.

Ag Tex's picture

Just went to Cabela's website, and they are completely out of scissors!  You can't even back order them!  At Cheaper Than Dirt, scissors are going for $850 a pair!  On Gunbroker, everyone is hoarding scissors!  Profiteering is everywhere!  Deja vu!

DaveyJones's picture

"90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air"

90% of the economy consists of the same

fourchan's picture

just play paper scissors bullet. hint pick bullet, it trumps everything.

gmrpeabody's picture

Never bring scissors to a gun fight...

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot's picture

Lol. Thank god for Big Sis. I was planning on throwing post-its at them, but now I know better.

GetZeeGold's picture




We could have stopped him but it was a scissor free zone.

FEDbuster's picture

Let's see, duck and cover in the event of a nuclear war ,  duct tape your windows in the event of chemical weapons or dirty bomb and now grab a pair of scissors to fend off and active shooter.

EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Our founding fathers did not send the Redcoats back to England by waving scissors at them, they sht the sons of bitchez in the face.

EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

with guns that they wore on their hip pocket for everyone to see.

Because they were not afraid. They did not want to be dependant and hide behind a garbage can. That's why they wrote the Declaration of Independance.

derek_vineyard's picture

Just buy any leveraged index derivative long and pay for your safety.  Come on Tylers,  join the party,  No more Debbie Downer!

Muppet Pimp's picture

How can anyone in good conscience think arming these idiots with assualt rifles is a good idea?  Furthermore, these people need to be cut off from taxpayer funds immediately.  When you see they waste taxpayer money on garbage like this, it is no wonder we have a seemingly incurable spending problem.  How many millions of dollars of 'research' went into their determining the best way to win a gunfight is with scissors?  Jesus.


Here is an example of the caliber of the individuals that work for Homeland Security:

Homeland Security official shows up at tow yard to reclaim sons towed car, beats tow truck drivers with tire iron, and finally pulls gun while they steal the car back.  Obama wants to give them assault rifles while he prohibits us from having them.  Something seems to have gone terribly terribly wrong with the goons at the federal government.

Titus's picture

Just duck and cover. It worked well for those guys on Southpark. 

caimen garou's picture

no,no,no they got it all wrong, in case of attack hold on to nearest gun grabber and use as shield!

hivekiller's picture

They'll shoot you for giving them a paper cut.

NumberNone's picture

Thanks to this messaging, after the next mass murder crime scene the authorities will find a scene littered with partial haircuts, hundreds of clipped coupons, and multiple attempts at paper art that was done while people armed with scissors used their time wisely waiting for the guy with the gun to find them.  

TBT or not TBT's picture

Everybody go long Fiskars!

kito's picture

x27 super splitter is sweet.............

logically possible's picture

@ Ag Tex

The government has hoarded all the scissors, for the new scissors for guns program they are coming out with next week.

FEDbuster's picture

I New York, California, Illinois, etc... you are limited to round nose scissors like you had in kindergarten.

Bendromeda Strain's picture

You had nose hair in kindergarten?  Dude...

t0mmyBerg's picture

Now that is god damned funny right cthere

myptofvu's picture

Thats just FUNNY right there, I don't care who you are.

DanDaley's picture

What they also didn't tell you is that they only want you using those rounded-tip kid scissors...that way no one gets hurt.

TwoShortPlanks's picture

I say again: "massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick"

PS. and incapable of reasoning, it seems.

Pure Evil's picture

You better believe it's massively and unbelievabley thick, the ole gal has orgasms just looking at it. Some nights I can pump thirty rounds into the ole whore using my banana clip.

Cheesy Bastard's picture

Molon labia.  "Take it and come".

Ag Tex's picture

"What are we supposed to use man, harsh language?"



TBT or not TBT's picture

Vidi Vici Veni, as Caesar didn't quite put it  :-)

CrimsonAvenger's picture

Is that a pair of scissors in your pocket, or is your penis thin, sharp and metallic?

Half_A_Billion_Hollow_Points's picture

TwoShort: as soon as hyperinflation starts you'll see how valuable a gun really is.  

Whether you're an FBI troll or not.

Lore's picture

As a brainwashed Canadian, I used to think like TwoShortPlanks. That all changed when I was robbed at gunpoint. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. The experience helped me to get clear. I WILL NEVER BE HELPLESS AGAIN. That lesson carries special weight given the macro trouble that we see brewing. Predators prefer easy prey.