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Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture


Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 


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Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:46 | 3207922 johnconnor
johnconnor's picture

scissors vs 9mm ... sounds like a fair fight

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207951 quintago
quintago's picture

WTF do you expect from our government. They're always advocating the use of scissors in a gun fight. Look at Ben Bernanke for instance. Even though Krugman thinks he's using a bazooka, he's really only using scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:58 | 3207963 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

9mm bullets bounce right off scissors

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207969 Ray1968
Ray1968's picture

Hint: I'm not packing scissors!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:07 | 3207993 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Never bring a pair of scissors o a gunfight... Oh wait!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:13 | 3208016 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

Can I use scissors to fight off an airplane hijacker?  No, I cannot.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:16 | 3208038 Popo
Popo's picture

This comes from the same fountain of wisdom that advised duct tape to defend against chemical attacks.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:19 | 3208043 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

If you want my scissors, you'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers.

No, really.  

If I'm expected to either cower under my desk or defend myself with office supplies, I'll most likely end up dead.  

How about packing heat?  So I can shoot back?  What my buddy has a firearm too?  What if Ellen from HR is also armed? What if we stop pretending that the only way we'll survive an attack is from a bunch of GED scholars? 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:22 | 3208065 Esso
Esso's picture

Damn, you stole my thoughts.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208084 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Clint Eastwood "Do you feel lucky punk?" (holding a pair of scissors)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:40 | 3208113 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Maybe if DHS would come out with a snappy tune we could hum we wouldn't get so anxious while our co-workers are being slaughtered just a few cubicles over.

Duck and Cover

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:58 | 3208174 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

No Guns = No Shooters = Gov Authorities light on weaponry.

No wonder the US Gov is's forced to deal with a population which is excessively armed, massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick. I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT FOR GOING HEAVY.

Do the math, dumb fucks!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:59 | 3208202 duo
duo's picture

how's the weather in Quantico tonight?  Oh, I forgot, your cubicle is underground.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:07 | 3208210 A L I E N
A L I E N's picture


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:17 | 3208256 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

In the video, they forgot the last step.  Get a plaque in your honor which names that wing of the school in your memory.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:53 | 3208364 Ag Tex
Ag Tex's picture

Just went to Cabela's website, and they are completely out of scissors!  You can't even back order them!  At Cheaper Than Dirt, scissors are going for $850 a pair!  On Gunbroker, everyone is hoarding scissors!  Profiteering is everywhere!  Deja vu!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:54 | 3208367 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

"90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air"

90% of the economy consists of the same

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:00 | 3208386 fourchan
fourchan's picture

just play paper scissors bullet. hint pick bullet, it trumps everything.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:37 | 3208584 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Never bring scissors to a gun fight...

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:54 | 3208724 WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot's picture

Lol. Thank god for Big Sis. I was planning on throwing post-its at them, but now I know better.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:15 | 3208854 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture




We could have stopped him but it was a scissor free zone.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:15 | 3208940 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Let's see, duck and cover in the event of a nuclear war ,  duct tape your windows in the event of chemical weapons or dirty bomb and now grab a pair of scissors to fend off and active shooter.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:49 | 3208962 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Our founding fathers did not send the Redcoats back to England by waving scissors at them, they sht the sons of bitchez in the face.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:54 | 3208967 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

with guns that they wore on their hip pocket for everyone to see.

Because they were not afraid. They did not want to be dependant and hide behind a garbage can. That's why they wrote the Declaration of Independance.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:05 | 3208990 derek_vineyard
derek_vineyard's picture

Just buy any leveraged index derivative long and pay for your safety.  Come on Tylers,  join the party,  No more Debbie Downer!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:36 | 3209033 Muppet Pimp
Muppet Pimp's picture

How can anyone in good conscience think arming these idiots with assualt rifles is a good idea?  Furthermore, these people need to be cut off from taxpayer funds immediately.  When you see they waste taxpayer money on garbage like this, it is no wonder we have a seemingly incurable spending problem.  How many millions of dollars of 'research' went into their determining the best way to win a gunfight is with scissors?  Jesus.


Here is an example of the caliber of the individuals that work for Homeland Security:

Homeland Security official shows up at tow yard to reclaim sons towed car, beats tow truck drivers with tire iron, and finally pulls gun while they steal the car back.  Obama wants to give them assault rifles while he prohibits us from having them.  Something seems to have gone terribly terribly wrong with the goons at the federal government.

Mon, 02/04/2013 - 08:56 | 3212849 Titus
Titus's picture

Just duck and cover. It worked well for those guys on Southpark. 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:06 | 3209059 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

no,no,no they got it all wrong, in case of attack hold on to nearest gun grabber and use as shield!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:04 | 3209220 hivekiller
hivekiller's picture

They'll shoot you for giving them a paper cut.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 15:46 | 3209403 FrankDrakman
FrankDrakman's picture

What about Spock?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:09 | 3208408 nmewn
nmewn's picture


Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:02 | 3208985 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Thanks to this messaging, after the next mass murder crime scene the authorities will find a scene littered with partial haircuts, hundreds of clipped coupons, and multiple attempts at paper art that was done while people armed with scissors used their time wisely waiting for the guy with the gun to find them.  

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:28 | 3208452 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Everybody go long Fiskars!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:27 | 3208567 kito
kito's picture

x27 super splitter is sweet.............

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:54 | 3208726 WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot's picture

Scissor nerds, lol!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:26 | 3208650 logically possible
logically possible's picture

@ Ag Tex

The government has hoarded all the scissors, for the new scissors for guns program they are coming out with next week.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:17 | 3208943 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

I New York, California, Illinois, etc... you are limited to round nose scissors like you had in kindergarten.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:30 | 3209016 Bendromeda Strain
Bendromeda Strain's picture

You had nose hair in kindergarten?  Dude...

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 13:29 | 3209168 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

No, I was thinking something more tacticool then nose hair scissors.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:50 | 3209041 t0mmyBerg
t0mmyBerg's picture

Now that is god damned funny right cthere

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:01 | 3209049 myptofvu
myptofvu's picture

Thats just FUNNY right there, I don't care who you are.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:36 | 3208908 DanDaley
DanDaley's picture

What they also didn't tell you is that they only want you using those rounded-tip kid scissors...that way no one gets hurt.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:03 | 3208211 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

I say again: "massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick"

PS. and incapable of reasoning, it seems.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:05 | 3208222 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

You better believe it's massively and unbelievabley thick, the ole gal has orgasms just looking at it. Some nights I can pump thirty rounds into the ole whore using my banana clip.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:18 | 3208270 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Molon labia.  "Take it and come".

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:03 | 3208374 Ag Tex
Ag Tex's picture

"What are we supposed to use man, harsh language?"



Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:30 | 3208457 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Vidi Vici Veni, as Caesar didn't quite put it  :-)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:32 | 3208575 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Is that a pair of scissors in your pocket, or is your penis thin, sharp and metallic?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:18 | 3208267 Half_A_Billion_...
Half_A_Billion_Hollow_Points's picture

TwoShort: as soon as hyperinflation starts you'll see how valuable a gun really is.  

Whether you're an FBI troll or not.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:51 | 3208345 Lore
Lore's picture

As a brainwashed Canadian, I used to think like TwoShortPlanks. That all changed when I was robbed at gunpoint. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. The experience helped me to get clear. I WILL NEVER BE HELPLESS AGAIN. That lesson carries special weight given the macro trouble that we see brewing. Predators prefer easy prey.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:17 | 3208424 Bandit und Buster
Bandit und Buster's picture

What. you left your scissors at home?   /s

Why aren't the feds buying scissors and save taxpayer $$?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:52 | 3208499 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture


Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:54 | 3209045 Bendromeda Strain
Bendromeda Strain's picture

"He gave us a trim, he gonna do MOAR"

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:27 | 3208565 PowerzThatB
PowerzThatB's picture

BTW, don't grab 2 pair of scissors; that would be excessive. Everyone is limited to one pair. No need to go full auto.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:04 | 3208697 fourchan
fourchan's picture

snips limited to seven, eight will be a federal offence.


lol how fucking stupid are new yorkers?

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 03:02 | 3208730 WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot's picture

Funniest f**kin' thing I've read all night. 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:56 | 3209046 t0mmyBerg
t0mmyBerg's picture

Why aren't the feds buying scissors and save taxpayer $$?

If they are making videos about it you can be sure they are.  Next Alex Jones will be out with a story that they have purchased 1.5 billion pairs to go with the 1.5 billion hollow point bullets they have ordered, which means edward scissorhands g-men coming soon to a neighborhood near you.

In my minds eye I see the dumbasses actually trying to fire the hollow points with the scissors.  Good enough for government work...


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:33 | 3208463 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

"Weakness is a provocation"

  -St. Rumsfeld d'Amerique

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:35 | 3208577 wee-weed up
wee-weed up's picture


Obviously, the Lib who junked you felt you were remiss in not conceal-carrying a pair of sissors!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:41 | 3209284 Montezuma
Montezuma's picture

So tough guy, tell me what are you going to do next time? Pull out your gun and John Wayne him/them? What if you miss? Kill a bystander?

Tell me, was it a black dude? Are you a racist now too? Which is more important material wealth or your life? Did you know that statistically the gun is more likely to be accidentaly used to harm someone you know?

This "Ill draw faster and kill the dude" mentality is borderline insane, or the cowboys who think in mass shooting they can kill the shooter. Hell most people shit their pants when they see people getting shot. When the Representative Giffords was shot there were people with guns in the audience but like one of them put it "There was too much panic and confusion to do anything.. everything happed too fast".

When you get robbed gun or  knife point does it make you mad as hell? YES, even if you get beat up, you get angry as hell but stop and think for a moment, how you having the gun is going to escalate the situation.

People look at the stats, even US is quite safe country if you stay away from the certain bad neighborhoods.

Ps. I am not trying to take anybodys guns I just think its time to get sane again. This logic of "Only one who can stop a bad guy in a suicide vest is a good guy in a suicide vest" is frankly retarded.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 16:06 | 3209453 mkhs
mkhs's picture

So if I buy good quality knee-pads, my life will be better?


Live free or die.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 17:17 | 3209454 DosZap
DosZap's picture

Did you know that statistically the gun is more likely to be accidentaly used to harm someone you know?(BS)


THIS is retarded.................................

Ps. I am not trying to take anybodys guns I just think its time to get sane again. This logic of "Only one who can stop a bad guy in a suicide vest is a good guy in a suicide vest" is frankly retarded.

WHAT is your conclusion Mr.Retarded?

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 22:24 | 3210190 sun tzu
sun tzu's picture

Using your logic, the cops and secret service should turn in their guns too, since they won't be able to outdraw the bad guys. What, are they going to miss and kill an innocent bystander? Besides, cops kill more black people, so they must be racist. Why are we arming racist people to kill blacks?

If you look at statistic, the US is pretty safe, so cops don't need guns and most presidents are not assassinated, so they don't need armed guards, just stay away from certain neighborhoods.

I'm not trying to disarm law enforcement, I just think it's time to get sane again. This logic of the "only way to keep the president safe is by surrounding him with guns" is frankly retarded. I think you should start a movement to disarm the secret service in order to keep the president safe.

Sun, 02/03/2013 - 23:52 | 3212462 Lore
Lore's picture

There aren't going to be near enough policemen for the trouble ahead. And the culture of law enforcement is being manipulated anyway.  The neighborhood policeman used to be your friend, but some modern TV shows and well-publicized incidents seem intended to undermine the public trust. For police officers AND the public, it's going to be very important to check perception and distinguish myth from reality.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 22:25 | 3210191 sun tzu
sun tzu's picture

Using your logic, the cops and secret service should turn in their guns too, since they won't be able to outdraw the bad guys. What, are they going to miss and kill an innocent bystander? Besides, cops kill more black people, so they must be racist. Why are we arming racist people to kill blacks?

If you look at statistic, the US is pretty safe, so cops don't need guns and most presidents are not assassinated, so they don't need armed guards, just stay away from certain neighborhoods.

I'm not trying to disarm law enforcement, I just think it's time to get sane again. This logic of the "only way to keep the president safe is by surrounding him with guns" is frankly retarded. I think you should start a movement to disarm the secret service in order to keep the president safe.

Sun, 02/03/2013 - 23:44 | 3212377 Lore
Lore's picture

Montezuma:  I have no interest in revenge or harming anyone. I'm not stupid. I ask one thing only: to be left alone.  That's all.  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." My interest is in DETERRENCE.  Any police officer will tell you that predators are highly risk-averse.  They see precautions, they tend to move on.  The odds are shifted in my favour, at least a little. 

You must understand that there are people out there who can't stand that.  They join gangs or get recruited for noble-sounding cons like Agenda 21, but a control freak is a control freak, and it is simply not in their nature to leave other people alone.  They are literally driven to take what's yours and run your life, even kill you if they can get away with it. People like us are not the problem.  THEY ARE -- them and their blind followers.

Mon, 02/04/2013 - 12:59 | 3213564 Montezuma
Montezuma's picture

Yes I hear you, but truth is deterrence is hard to come by, open carry maybe with big arse Desert Eagle. People say it works the same way as bar fights, usually they try pick on the little guy&easy prey. So only deterrent I know would we open carry and a t-shirt saying "Shoot to kill".

Of course in South Africa they lure cops in to situations to kill them for their guns so.

Gangs are their lemmings are the problem, of course police should be the one shutting them down but as long as this "war on drugs" goes on there are people willing to do anything it takes to get in to the game.

Personally I dont think civilians should carry guns at all but thats another story and way too utopistic in countries with a lot of firearms already, also Sam Harris had a point saying, "if you are in a diner and mad man starts shooting are you glad that he is the only with the gun" survival instinct in that moment doenst give a shit about bystanders.

Ps. Good to see you are one of the "reasonable" dudes here and not the gun nut bunker living armageddon waiting loony who think they are going to William Wallace the US government and take back their saloon, while having a tin hat protecting them from messages lizard people are sending from the CIA HQ.


Wed, 02/06/2013 - 15:17 | 3220867 Lore
Lore's picture

We could probably have a good discussion about reasons why gun culture exists at all. Is a peaceable society one that is generally prosperous and / or lacking in extremes between most rich and most poor?  I would think that small government and economic growth would be key factors in giving the average joe HOPE and reducing potential motivation to break rules.  I haven't seen a report that would suggest marked rise in crime during economic depression, food riots notwithstanding, although I seem to remember reading about overt anti-semitism in some communities that culminated in extensive property damage. Some reports suggest that food stamps are the only thing keeping us from disintegrating.  

Like your last paragraph. (g)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:33 | 3209096 BlackMagician
BlackMagician's picture

"incapable of reasoning,..." meaning you won't agree with what I believe.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:03 | 3208212 unrulian
unrulian's picture

nice edit moron....if you want to talk about math start grabbing all 300 million of them now and you should get them all in about 600 the mean time get a gun...dumb fuck...or don't....shit for brains

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:04 | 3208221 nmewn
nmewn's picture

The only ones who are excessively armed, massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick are the progressive snobs/statists who surround themselves with armed bodyguards while ghoulishly playing on the emotions of others.

You know, like Bloomberg, Morgan etal.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:06 | 3208228 unrulian
unrulian's picture


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:08 | 3208229 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Well, obviously its the government that is massively paranoid, or why would they be concerned about its citizens turning their guns on them.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:13 | 3208247 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

Agenda21 states that an armed population is...*Drum Roll*...Unsustainable!

PS. That doesn't include me BTW, so don't bother with the role reversal.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:30 | 3208258 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Just so you know, you're more worthless than chicken shit on a pump handle.

Think about it, a bunch of people you don't even know have decided, without consulting you, how you'll live your life from cradle to grave and the only thing you can think of doing is to bend over and squeal, "fuck me harder and deeper!"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:36 | 3208326 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

I'm sorry, I think I've missed something here...since when have you ever been free?

You haven't bought into THAT old illusion, have you?....LOL, you may have freedom of speech, you may even be allowed to take holidays to tropical places (for now), you may even be allowed to carry a gun (for now 2.0), but get this straight, YOU. ARE. OWNED. motherfucker.....owned!

PS. Chicken shit on a pump handle may have some use...somewhere, somehow.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:31 | 3208433 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Yeah that chicken shit covered handle is useful sticking out of your mouth after its been reamed up your ass.

Gives your tongue something to do other than to tickle Obama's nut sack.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 22:17 | 3210169 sun tzu
sun tzu's picture

Same with you limey chicken shit motherfucker. Except we kicked your limey ass king off this continent. You inbred fuckwads are still ruled by that old German hag. Why are you crooked toothed fuckers so concerned with people across the ocean owning guns? It's none of your fucking business, assholes. You don't rule us anymore

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:41 | 3208952 kill switch
kill switch's picture

Hey Two Short Wankers STFU time to back to the home, you missed morning roll call.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:09 | 3208237 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

Then let it be known that the American public (the gun lovers at least), have chosen to bring home the war machine for a show-down on home soil. Like all that liquidity that's sloshing around, it needs to park somewhere. The war's-a-comin-home.

THAT, is the reality which is being created.


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:25 | 3208248 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Ah, shucks comrade, now pull yourself off of Janet Napolitanos clit and get some fresh air for awhile. Smoke em while you got em, cause that ole dyke bitch is gonna expect you to start sucking her hermaphroditic dick.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:19 | 3208266 unrulian
unrulian's picture

it's all that liquidity thats accellerating that war son....not the gun owners

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:23 | 3208288 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

No, you've got it wrong; it's the lack of a real and true enemy which is causing this inward movement of the machine (think budgetary justification). But don't worry, a new Cold War is emerging rapidly. It will be back to normal (a dual foe) soon enough.

Gov against Gun owners???...LOL, mostly Bread & Circuses.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:32 | 3208573 PowerzThatB
PowerzThatB's picture

Circus indeed...and you're the clown.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 17:05 | 3209550 Rogue Trooper
Rogue Trooper's picture

The old sayin'... "As thick as 'two short planks'" WTF!


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:23 | 3208284 salvadordaly
salvadordaly's picture

MDB? Is that you?

Genius, that is what the British said to! Oh, and by the way, if this nation was built of "PUSSIES" like you, then I would say you might stand a chance at being right.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:28 | 3208302 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

Wrong tree, I'm not Million...never have been.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208313 nmewn
nmewn's picture

You strike me as someone who is a couple board feet short of a full load ;-)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:42 | 3208338 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

A handle is a handle; it serves a purpose, whether literally or metaphorically.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:51 | 3208363 unrulian
unrulian's picture

if you spent some time on a grip rather than crafting your handle you'd realize it serves a purpose...both literally and metaphorically

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:55 | 3208373 nmewn
nmewn's picture

So, metaphorically, what two people do you fantasize about walking those two planks of yours? ;-)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:10 | 3208409 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

He misspelled "too short".

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:34 | 3208469 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I was trying to figure out who he wanted to walking his two short he was trying to explain why we don't have a right to defend ourselves against those who would force us to walk those planks. 

I guess I'll never know, this will feed my "massive paranoia" no doubt ;-)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:08 | 3208413 Teamtc321
Teamtc321's picture

Look's like you logged in wrong Nancy. Should have been under TwoShortIntelligence

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:02 | 3208516 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Need to change your moniker to TwoShortSchoolBuses.  You know, those yellow things you took to school.

In short, fuck off!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 05:51 | 3208806 Spigot
Spigot's picture


You (2PlanksStuckUpYerAss) are an amazingly stupid pc of shit. I admire your tenacity equally as well as your idiocy.

Go look at yourself in the mirror, dope. Private buyers ANNUALLY purchase in excess of 4 billion rounds of ammo in the USA. There at multiplied tens of MILLIONS of long rifle owners. MANY, MANY of whom are military trained. The .MIL brothers who are currently employed by .GOV well know that their retired and discharged brethern are indeed in possession, fully stocked and entirely capable of completely obliterating any and all comers.

You are a fully deluded ass.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:09 | 3208236 BidnessMan
BidnessMan's picture

There are 300 million guns in the US. You do the math, you complete fucking idiot.

Toughest gun laws in the US are in Chicago. The murder capital of the US, where gang bangers have LOTS of guns. And you think those nice boys are going to turn them all in? You can't really be so incredibly naive and stupid. This is a joke, right? If not, go buy your pair of scissors and STFU.

Really want to "do something"? Why don't you go to Chicago and disarm all the nice gang boys. Next week DHS might even come by and wipe up the grease spot where you got your brains blown out. You are beneath contempt.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:14 | 3208246 duo
duo's picture

heard it last night on WGN.  Chicago's gun problem is due to lax gun laws in WISCONSIN!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:22 | 3208282 unrulian
unrulian's picture

they say the same thing in canada....our gun problems are guns coming from USA due to lax gun know...its the lax laws not the POS gang bangers

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:36 | 3208471 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

The tough gun laws in a 500ft radius around schools are causing school massacres.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:49 | 3208490 nmewn
nmewn's picture


Civilian homicidal maniacs prefer the unarmed matter how deranged they may be. Its no coincidence they rarely attack police stations or army barracks.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:27 | 3208652 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Actually, soldiers at Ft Hood, one of the largest army bases in the world, go unarmed.    It's a gun free zone except under narrowly controlled circumstances.   Local cops had to come save expensively trained killers from a colleague with a mere handgun, the retarded Five Seven or whatever the silly thing was called with the weird little high pressure cartridge.   Carrying on about Allahu Akbar and all that.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:10 | 3208853 nmewn
nmewn's picture

That crossed my mind (the Ft Hood massacre) and Ahhhnald in the Terminator when I wrote that. Thats why I said rarely.

Ft Hood is another example of, when seconds count, police or MP's are only minutes away ;-) 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:24 | 3208946 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

"I carry a gun, because cops are too heavy."

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:32 | 3208655 RockyRacoon
RockyRacoon's picture

Nobody "needs" military-style scissors.  Does that mean I have to remove the pistol grip from my pinking shears to make them legal?

I sure do get tired of folks telling me what I do and don't NEED.  The Second Amendment doesn't rise to the level of need -- all I gotta do is WANT one.  As for the framers not having any concept of the modern armament now available, there was no restriction on having a cannon if I was a man of means and could afford one.   Sure would look great parked on the front porch as a warning.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:09 | 3208700 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Canons used in the revolutionary war, at least some of them, were privately owned.

Sun, 02/03/2013 - 00:28 | 3210385 Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

How to Hunt Wisconsin Whitetail Deer with a

12 pound Mountain Howitzer Cannon

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:16 | 3208855 unrulian
unrulian's picture


Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:33 | 3208866 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Thats another good one Rocky...this ridiculous canard of modern rifles & pistols not envisioned by the founding fathers so therefore they would not ALLOW them to the people.

The musket was the modern weapon back then and they most certainly did want them in the hands of the people.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:52 | 3208923 kill switch
kill switch's picture



This assumes that the founders had no concept of innovation and future enhancements into production,,what a train of BS,,,,But I have all you fucking guys beat!! I have my Hello Kitty pink scissors,,so fucking Molon Labe!!! MUHAHAHAHAH

No, I have to confess,, Kimber Pro Covert II 45ACP Full Metal Jacket, Crimson Trace laser grips Tritium night sights and so forth...Now I really mean it MOLON LABE FUCKERS,,What the hell you only die once.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:47 | 3209035 Bendromeda Strain
Bendromeda Strain's picture

C'mon man, you are rebutting Jon Liebowitz's line of argument. You are in serious danger of losing your hipster card...

(full disclosure: The only Daily Show in my house occurs in the smallest room and smells the same)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 13:20 | 3209155 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Yeah well, I have been known to lower my standards as the situation

Here's a good one (me thinks we've got the gun grabbers on the run) O'Barry supposedly shooting "ground skeet" ;-)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:12 | 3209226 Bad Attitude
Bad Attitude's picture

RockyRacoon, I agree completely with what you are saying. However, I would like to add one additional thought... Nobody "needs" military-style scissors until they really NEED them. Similarly, nobody "needs" a fire extinguisher in their home until they have a fire and NEED a fire extinguisher.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:42 | 3209282 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Interesting.  The case for carrying a fire extiguisher is pretty strong, and if I recall those have been used in movies to take out bad guys, even some armed with full auto weapons.   Think Die Hard with the "I'm Mac" guy in it.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 17:16 | 3209565 DosZap
DosZap's picture

heard it last night on WGN. Chicago's gun problem is due to lax gun laws in WISCONSIN!

What did you expect?, Chicago Barrrrrrrrrrrhacks homies never admit they are wrong, it's ALWAYS someone or something else's faults.(just like HE does99% of the time).

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:21 | 3208275 Cistercian
Cistercian's picture

But..guns are illegal in Chicago.Just like heroin and cocaine.I bet you can't them there their either.

  I think instead of full-ass videos the .gov should send selective fire M4's to anyone 18 yrs or older.

Yea, that's the ticket.And rescind most idiotic gun laws.

  Then I can get a MG-42....WINNING!


  Yeah...the .gov really cares about us...enough to suppress and control us.They say be afraid.


  I say get a bigger gun, and learn how to use it.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:15 | 3208421 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Dammit man! You're all wrong! Global Warming is causing the violence! I thought it was obvious?

(do I really need a sarc tag?)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:54 | 3208505 nmewn
nmewn's picture

No, you don'

Its funny how they can twist ANYTHING into a cause. But so can we...there is really no reason why any woman needs plastic surgery for a set of 38D's and then air brush the freckles off of them...its a conspiracy to defraud ;-)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:56 | 3208973 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

+1000.  Fucking sick of this messaging of disarmament.  It's actually racisim and it's code for 'disarm whitey'.  Nobody gives a shit about the thousands of murders in the ghettos each year.  No one's talking about going into these neighborhoods to take their weapons to clean them up an make them safe.  Somehow its always those POS Tea Party white guys and their assault weapons they focus on.  What's going on in the Democratic party and media is no different that what happened in WWII when the government dehumanized the enemy into Japs and Krauts with propaganda.  When the doors are kicked in to take the weapons and fathers, mothers, children are killed in these homes to take assault weapons the other side will have so dehumanized them that they will be those TeaBagger evil white guys getting what they deserve.  

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:58 | 3209047 Shell Game
Shell Game's picture

Exactly.  Emasculation and dehumanization is the MO.  All those zombie movies are conditioning this society for violence on a massive scale.  But we'll deserve it for daring to stand up to the government-god...


Get whitey!


Mon, 02/04/2013 - 19:46 | 3214812 mendolover
mendolover's picture

Fred Murtz rules!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:17 | 3208255 Bad Attitude
Bad Attitude's picture

I did the math a long time ago. Tyrants/dictators/politicians prefer unarmed peasants. Gun control isn't about guns, it's about control.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:59 | 3208384 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

So you're the ONE!

Look, 10-15 years ago nobody in America hated America. Everyone hung flag from poles in their front yards. All of a sudden that sentiment has changed. Since everything's been going down-hill, it seems everyones' opinion of what America stands for has changed.

Since America has been going down-hill a mini Civil Cold War has emerged.

Tyrants, dictators and politicians and a corrupt government, corrupt Wall Street (London too) have ALWAYS been why the change in attitute all of a sudden?!

Let's face it, this isn't about Guns or Control...this is all about a sudden drop in the standard of living.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:26 | 3208447 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Three points:

1) I love my country. I am growing to despise my Government.
2) a fuckload of people are waking up, and while they were asleep, they realized that something took a huge fucking dump on them...
3) ... And they are starting to figure out what, exactly, that "something" is.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:10 | 3208893 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture




So you're the ONE!


One of the millions that make up the majority.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 18:49 | 3209708 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

Confess to being somewhat impressed with "2ShortPlanks". I did not know Sheriff Dupnick could read & write. 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:46 | 3208474 willwork4food
willwork4food's picture

@ Two-You're right-the sudden drop in the standard of living bitched slapped millions of people to the reality that the fucks in Washington DC are subservient to Wall Street and not the ones that are actually forced to pay them their yearly raises. 911 started waking up some; losing half your savings woke up many others.

The Gun Controll thing is just an obvious blatant USSR move to make us vulnerable, further evaporate the Bill of Rights and create division among the population.

You might want to know there are quite a few of well trained soldiers that  will not cowar to the Bullshit DC brings out, and reverse allegiences.Will freedom win? Not great odds, giving the enormous amount of money the elitists have, but I for one, will be damned to sit back and drop my shorts so they can play hide the chicken without a fight.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:53 | 3208501 Edelweiss
Edelweiss's picture

  I applied for my CSP (concealed scissors permit) recently so I would always be prepared, but was denied based on my propensity to run with said scissors.  Should have listened to mom.  Looks like I'll have to settle for dumb ol' firearms to protect myself instead.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:03 | 3208623 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

I don't keep scissors lying around all over the house.  A 3-foot long Samurai Sword, however......practically stumbling over 'em.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 07:32 | 3208841 Al Gorerhythm
Al Gorerhythm's picture

MAaaaannnn you're thick.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:52 | 3208365 NumberNone
Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:09 | 3208532 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Why wasn't he at Sandy Hook when he was needed?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:53 | 3208177 BidnessMan
BidnessMan's picture

I gots to know ..... Did I use 5 blades or 6? Well, I kinda forgot myself. This is a 44 magnum pair of scissors, and it will cut your head cleeeaan off. Do ya feel lucky punk?

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:15 | 3208638 kliguy38
kliguy38's picture

definitely a william banzai moment there..............that should go viral

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:22 | 3208067 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Less than 5 yards: my 9 mm

More than 5 yards: my AK-47

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:25 | 3208076 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

Shortest path to a long life: avoid socialist "gun free zones".

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:36 | 3208109 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Was that an illegal grip on those scissors?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:45 | 3208151 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Yes, its got an illegal glare suppressor on it too...probably unregistered, unlicensed and bought via a strawman at one of those hideous sewing shows we hear so much about.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:52 | 3208170 The Shootist
The Shootist's picture

I'm sure they're already confiscating scissors in jolly old Britain.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:21 | 3208276 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Incredible isn't it?

Another, though older...

"Liberal Democrat shadow home secretary Chris Huhne said: "Unscrupulous shopkeepers who sell knives to kids are profiting from the violence on our streets.

"It is unacceptable that so few of them are being punished and those that do are being given such pitiful fines.

"If we are to tackle knife crime, a strong message must be sent to those who ply this deadly trade. Fining them a few hundred quid is not going to do that."

Same rhetoric different weapon...and after knives comes baseball bats...then finally, subsidized bubble wrap that progressives want everyone shrouded in ;-)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:57 | 3208375 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

brings new meaning to the phrase "where are the good scissors?"

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:02 | 3209051 Bendromeda Strain
Bendromeda Strain's picture

Same rhetoric different weapon...and after knives comes baseball bats...then finally, subsidized bubble wrap that progressives want everyone shrouded in ;-)

First the changes come incrementally, then they come excrementally...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:27 | 3208450 Bandit und Buster
Bandit und Buster's picture

Just the Pointed ones!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:52 | 3208171 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Now, let's all just admit that if we turn over our guns to the Federal government we'll all feel safer. The government will be there to protect us. And, just because a few of your co-workers are massacred by DHS prozac induced sleeper agents doesn't mean it wasn't worth the 45-minute wait for the heavily armed Federal SWAT teams to swoop in and apprehend the assailant after he's commited suicide upon the orders of his TSA handler giving instructions over earphones.

You know damn well its better to wait for the governmental to swoop in and protect you, so......,  on second thought, don't even think about picking up those scissors because when SWAT arrives they might accidentally suspect you of being a terrorist and shoot you.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:58 | 3208190 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I thought alot of US SWAT teams spoke yiddish over their headsets like they did at Shady Hook?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:02 | 3208207 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

You might have thought you heard yiddish, but it was all PIG-latin.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 16:48 | 3209514 mkhs
mkhs's picture

Stop that.  It's not kosher.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:13 | 3208249 duo
duo's picture

my wife goes to those quilting shows.  Is she a terrorist now?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:16 | 3208426 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Yes, no one needs more than one needle and no one uses a thimble to kill a deer.

See, its all "relative" ;-)

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