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Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 


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Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:46 | 3207922 johnconnor
johnconnor's picture

scissors vs 9mm ... sounds like a fair fight

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207951 quintago
quintago's picture

WTF do you expect from our government. They're always advocating the use of scissors in a gun fight. Look at Ben Bernanke for instance. Even though Krugman thinks he's using a bazooka, he's really only using scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:58 | 3207963 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

9mm bullets bounce right off scissors

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207969 Ray1968
Ray1968's picture

Hint: I'm not packing scissors!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:07 | 3207993 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Never bring a pair of scissors o a gunfight... Oh wait!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:13 | 3208016 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

Can I use scissors to fight off an airplane hijacker?  No, I cannot.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:16 | 3208038 Popo
Popo's picture

This comes from the same fountain of wisdom that advised duct tape to defend against chemical attacks.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:19 | 3208043 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

If you want my scissors, you'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers.

No, really.  

If I'm expected to either cower under my desk or defend myself with office supplies, I'll most likely end up dead.  

How about packing heat?  So I can shoot back?  What my buddy has a firearm too?  What if Ellen from HR is also armed? What if we stop pretending that the only way we'll survive an attack is from a bunch of GED scholars? 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:22 | 3208065 Esso
Esso's picture

Damn, you stole my thoughts.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208084 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Clint Eastwood "Do you feel lucky punk?" (holding a pair of scissors)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:40 | 3208113 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Maybe if DHS would come out with a snappy tune we could hum we wouldn't get so anxious while our co-workers are being slaughtered just a few cubicles over.

Duck and Cover

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:58 | 3208174 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

No Guns = No Shooters = Gov Authorities light on weaponry.

No wonder the US Gov is arming-up...it's forced to deal with a population which is excessively armed, massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick. I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT FOR GOING HEAVY.

Do the math, dumb fucks!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:59 | 3208202 duo
duo's picture

how's the weather in Quantico tonight?  Oh, I forgot, your cubicle is underground.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:07 | 3208210 A L I E N
A L I E N's picture

really?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:17 | 3208256 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

In the video, they forgot the last step.  Get a plaque in your honor which names that wing of the school in your memory.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:53 | 3208364 Ag Tex
Ag Tex's picture

Just went to Cabela's website, and they are completely out of scissors!  You can't even back order them!  At Cheaper Than Dirt, scissors are going for $850 a pair!  On Gunbroker, everyone is hoarding scissors!  Profiteering is everywhere!  Deja vu!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:54 | 3208367 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

"90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air"

90% of the economy consists of the same

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:00 | 3208386 fourchan
fourchan's picture

just play paper scissors bullet. hint pick bullet, it trumps everything.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:37 | 3208584 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Never bring scissors to a gun fight...

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:54 | 3208724 WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot's picture

Lol. Thank god for Big Sis. I was planning on throwing post-its at them, but now I know better.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:15 | 3208854 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

 

We could have stopped him but it was a scissor free zone.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:15 | 3208940 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Let's see, duck and cover in the event of a nuclear war ,  duct tape your windows in the event of chemical weapons or dirty bomb and now grab a pair of scissors to fend off and active shooter.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:49 | 3208962 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Our founding fathers did not send the Redcoats back to England by waving scissors at them, they sht the sons of bitchez in the face.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:54 | 3208967 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

with guns that they wore on their hip pocket for everyone to see.

Because they were not afraid. They did not want to be dependant and hide behind a garbage can. That's why they wrote the Declaration of Independance.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:05 | 3208990 derek_vineyard
derek_vineyard's picture

Just buy any leveraged index derivative long and pay for your safety.  Come on Tylers,  join the party,  No more Debbie Downer!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:36 | 3209033 Muppet Pimp
Muppet Pimp's picture

How can anyone in good conscience think arming these idiots with assualt rifles is a good idea?  Furthermore, these people need to be cut off from taxpayer funds immediately.  When you see they waste taxpayer money on garbage like this, it is no wonder we have a seemingly incurable spending problem.  How many millions of dollars of 'research' went into their determining the best way to win a gunfight is with scissors?  Jesus.

 

Here is an example of the caliber of the individuals that work for Homeland Security:

http://www.wftv.com/news/news/local/video-shows-immigration-and-customs-...

Homeland Security official shows up at tow yard to reclaim sons towed car, beats tow truck drivers with tire iron, and finally pulls gun while they steal the car back.  Obama wants to give them assault rifles while he prohibits us from having them.  Something seems to have gone terribly terribly wrong with the goons at the federal government.

Mon, 02/04/2013 - 08:56 | 3212849 Titus
Titus's picture

Just duck and cover. It worked well for those guys on Southpark. 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:06 | 3209059 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

no,no,no they got it all wrong, in case of attack hold on to nearest gun grabber and use as shield!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:04 | 3209220 hivekiller
hivekiller's picture

They'll shoot you for giving them a paper cut.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 15:46 | 3209403 FrankDrakman
FrankDrakman's picture

What about Spock?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:09 | 3208408 nmewn
nmewn's picture

ROTFL!!!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:02 | 3208985 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Thanks to this messaging, after the next mass murder crime scene the authorities will find a scene littered with partial haircuts, hundreds of clipped coupons, and multiple attempts at paper art that was done while people armed with scissors used their time wisely waiting for the guy with the gun to find them.  

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:28 | 3208452 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Everybody go long Fiskars!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:27 | 3208567 kito
kito's picture

x27 super splitter is sweet.............

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:54 | 3208726 WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot's picture

Scissor nerds, lol!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:26 | 3208650 logically possible
logically possible's picture

@ Ag Tex

The government has hoarded all the scissors, for the new scissors for guns program they are coming out with next week.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 10:17 | 3208943 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

I New York, California, Illinois, etc... you are limited to round nose scissors like you had in kindergarten.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:30 | 3209016 Bendromeda Strain
Bendromeda Strain's picture

You had nose hair in kindergarten?  Dude...

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 13:29 | 3209168 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

No, I was thinking something more tacticool then nose hair scissors.

http://www.bizrice.com/upload/20120320/plastic_paper_scissors_for_kids.jpg

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:50 | 3209041 t0mmyBerg
t0mmyBerg's picture

Now that is god damned funny right cthere

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:01 | 3209049 myptofvu
myptofvu's picture

Thats just FUNNY right there, I don't care who you are.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:36 | 3208908 DanDaley
DanDaley's picture

What they also didn't tell you is that they only want you using those rounded-tip kid scissors...that way no one gets hurt.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:03 | 3208211 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

I say again: "massively paranoid, and unbelievably thick"

PS. and incapable of reasoning, it seems.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:05 | 3208222 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

You better believe it's massively and unbelievabley thick, the ole gal has orgasms just looking at it. Some nights I can pump thirty rounds into the ole whore using my banana clip.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:18 | 3208270 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Molon labia.  "Take it and come".

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:03 | 3208374 Ag Tex
Ag Tex's picture

"What are we supposed to use man, harsh language?"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i33DX9Wjd7E

 

 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:30 | 3208457 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Vidi Vici Veni, as Caesar didn't quite put it  :-)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:32 | 3208575 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Is that a pair of scissors in your pocket, or is your penis thin, sharp and metallic?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:18 | 3208267 Half_A_Billion_...
Half_A_Billion_Hollow_Points's picture

TwoShort: as soon as hyperinflation starts you'll see how valuable a gun really is.  

Whether you're an FBI troll or not.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:51 | 3208345 Lore
Lore's picture

As a brainwashed Canadian, I used to think like TwoShortPlanks. That all changed when I was robbed at gunpoint. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. The experience helped me to get clear. I WILL NEVER BE HELPLESS AGAIN. That lesson carries special weight given the macro trouble that we see brewing. Predators prefer easy prey.

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