Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture


Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 

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Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:11 | 3208186 TotalCarp
TotalCarp's picture

I wanna know who are the cowards that downarrowed you without bothering to state a counter argument.?. P*ssy ass c*nts.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:50 | 3208496 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

It's ok. You can say "pussy ass cunts" here.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:21 | 3208639 ZeroAvatar
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When the 250 pound, 6 foot 3-inch assailant is standing there, looking at you, with a pair of 3-inch scissors jammed into his shoulder, you should:


1. Grab his nose with one hand, and slap it downward with the other, like Moe in the 3 stooges,


2. Grab the next thing available, the sewing machine, and bash him over the head with it,


3. Tell him you're a therapist, and you'd be willing to help him work through some of his anger issues, or:



Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:36 | 3209103 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

I'm gonna go with #1, at least you'll die laughing.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:45 | 3207925 stant
stant's picture

how many clips in those sissors?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:50 | 3207939 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Too many blades and too sharp. 

We must pass legislation to end high blade capacity scissors, and put in dullness guidelines.

I mean, do you really need a sharp blade to cut paper?  No, that is what paper cutters in the hands of trained professionals are for.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:03 | 3207982 Yes_Questions
Yes_Questions's picture



and get receipt:


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:12 | 3208011 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"And this is my receipt for your receipt."

Thanks for that.  "Brazil" is an underrated movie and becoming more and more prescient as time passes.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:14 | 3209065 Shell Game
Shell Game's picture

..the right of the people to keep and bear Scissors, shall not be infringed.

It is not about shearing...


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:46 | 3207930 Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby's picture

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" Voltaire

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:52 | 3208679 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

Confucius says. ... Man who wear short sleeved shirt supports right to bare arms.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:46 | 3207931 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

I rented a movie the other day.  In addition to the usual FBI warning, there now appears a Homeland Security Badge warning letting you know that you will serve life in hard labor if you copy the DVD.  Glad to know the "homeland" means corporations who produce DVDs.  Do they have sciccors in federal prison?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:14 | 3208028 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I can't tell which advice is the real advice. The scissors, or this...

"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.”

Jack Handy

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:29 | 3208089 infinity8
infinity8's picture

PLUS ONE MILLION !! Gotta love the Handy. . .

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:57 | 3208380 salvadordaly
salvadordaly's picture

Fonz i was reding that thinking that you sounded like Jack Handy, till i got to the jack handy at the end. I love my handy!

When I die, I want to die like grandpa. Not kicking and screaming like everyone else in the car.

Jack Handy

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:05 | 3208400 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

"I think if you worked on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching them would be a joke that gets old real fast"

I can't get enough of that guy's quotes.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:17 | 3208036 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Scope Creep:  It's what government does.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:18 | 3209003 samsara
samsara's picture

NOT scope creep. a timely progression towards the original plan

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:50 | 3207932 EscapingProgress
EscapingProgress's picture

Are scissors also approved for defense against tyranny?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207952 Ratscam
Ratscam's picture

last time at the airport they took my manicure scissors away. How should i defend myself on the plane? Right I take the knives from first class to fight the terrorists. wahta bunch of bullshit but more scary, most sheeple believe it.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:49 | 3207935 Future Jim
Future Jim's picture

Imagine you had a gun and were just mopping up the rest of the bad guys with it when the police come in - and shoot you ...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:55 | 3207948 ebworthen
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Well, you'd have at least 20 minutes to mop up the bad guys, and probably time to get a cup of coffee and have a smoke while the Po-Po's set up a defense perimeter, string tape, and "assess the situation".

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:02 | 3207986 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

you'd have to tear them away from the local govt $ makers-writing tickets and busting kids for marijuana cigarettes

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:18 | 3208048 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

A revenue camera might give the perp a ticket if he drives away too fast, so there is that.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:21 | 3208051 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

So you just survived an attack, participated in a fire fight, and your next move is to look for a mop?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:38 | 3208114 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

That Dexter guy from the show would use surgical tools, but put up plastic sheets first to tidy up afterwards. 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:24 | 3208361 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

No cops will show up, they're too busy eatin' donuts. If they do show up, their eyes will be too glazed over to find any dead bodies.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 17:22 | 3209577 mkhs
mkhs's picture

I still remember the NYC shootout.  Ten bystanders went down and the perp hadn't fired a shot.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 17:52 | 3209622 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Sounds like "reckless endagerment" to me.

If any of us citizens did that, even to defend our own homes and lives, we'd be in the pokey for 5-10 years.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:11 | 3208009 john39
john39's picture

swat teams sat outside columbine until they were sure it was safe

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:16 | 3208032 CH1
CH1's picture

Yes, the stunningly brave heroes waited something like three hours, while a teacher bled to death.

But we must worship them! Otherwise the terrorists win!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:30 | 3208905 mumcard
mumcard's picture

Same thing at VA Tech, cops were hiding behind dumpsters just outside, you could still hear shots going off.  They're all bad asses til the bullets start flying, then shit gets real quick.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:19 | 3209073 Shell Game
Shell Game's picture

'The State is God', low the milk cows..

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:14 | 3208017 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Hey, Porky needs his Krispy Kreme.

Anyway, you wouldn't want a public servant to get involved in something dangerous would you?

And risk an Obama voter?

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:26 | 3208651 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

ebworthen said: Well, you'd have at least 20 minutes to mop up the bad guys, and probably time to get a cup of coffee and have a smoke while the Po-Po's set up a defense perimeter, string tape, and "assess the situation".


At the neighbor's house across the street.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:57 | 3207961 Overfed
Overfed's picture

Yeah. That sounds like a good reason to go about unarmed and helpless just the way TPTB/DHS want. Be a good little scared rabbit.


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:05 | 3207989 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I think you missed his point

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:38 | 3208119 Overfed
Overfed's picture

No, no, I got his point. I still think he was being a douche.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:07 | 3207994 XenoFrog
XenoFrog's picture

Better than dying to the gunman while i'm blubbering on my liberal knees begging for him not to shoot me.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:58 | 3208196 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Or you could overcome your hoplophobia and learn to shoot.

Then there would be no need to blubber.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 12:39 | 3208372 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Sorry little toadstool, he'll put a few rounds in your skull before you have time to start blubbering, saving you the shame of getting on your knees, which to a mass murderer is like begging to be shot.

And, with thinking like that you'll being wearing a burqua in no time at all.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:32 | 3208907 mumcard
mumcard's picture

The probability of a nasty paper cut is nothing to sneeze at.  My stapler is full auto and the magzine holds 250, but you gotta have smething to fall back on.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:20 | 3208055 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

No time to think, just shoot the bad guys.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:47 | 3208153 notadouche
notadouche's picture

I'd imagine that when the police finally got there I would actually drop the weapon and raise my hands with my fingers spread apart, not make any sudden movements and do as I was told.  Nothing like imagining using some common sense along with the fantastical scenarios.  

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:34 | 3208911 mumcard
mumcard's picture

If you resist the bad guys and win the day, you'd better strip naked and lay face down with your arms spread eagled so the cops don't kill you.  Their knees will be knocking when they come through the door.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:15 | 3208253 DCFusor
DCFusor's picture

Name one mass shooting incident in which the police have entered before the shooting stopped.  At VA Tech, they just sat outside and waited.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:20 | 3208553 samsara
samsara's picture

I thought that in most Terrorist situations the Authorities were there well Ahead of the event....

Oh, Wait....

Never Mind

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:43 | 3208595 Maxter
Maxter's picture

Yea.  At Sandy Hook, It just magically happened that the DHS conducted training in the area called: "FEMA L-366 Planning for the Needs of Children in Disasters"

You can't make this up!

See their own website:

look for 12/14

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:29 | 3208566 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

+ 1

Yes, we're still waiting.  Hmm?  C'mon, name one incident!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:38 | 3208914 mumcard
mumcard's picture

I can only think of one, where the guy was shooting up the courthouse and the cowboy cop road on the hood of his cruiser with an M4 while his partner chased the bad guy down the road.  True story.


*good cop:  free donut

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