Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture


Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 

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Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208305 Boondocker
Boondocker's picture

if you really think the cops will get there that fast, i want to lnow where you live.   even in my small town you would 2 or 3 minutes from calling 911 to a cop showing up

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:44 | 3208918 mumcard
mumcard's picture

Or the one in Arizone where the cops shot the homeowner in the back and were heard over the radio agreeing to cover it up, but then were cleared.


Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:54 | 3208683 PrintemDano
PrintemDano's picture

The police don't enter until the shooting stops.  The police won't risk their lives to save innocent children if there is any chance of them getting hurt.  Even if a few wanted to, the orders from on high say safety [for the police] first.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:49 | 3207938 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

See something... scissor something. 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:13 | 3208022 SilverTree
SilverTree's picture

Fucking priceless! 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:56 | 3208377 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Now if we can just get that displayed at Walmart and all the interstate information display panels.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:36 | 3207940 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Not much different, nor any more absurd, than the 1950's "Duck and Cover" public service announcements to 'protect' yourself from a nuclear bomb attack.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:53 | 3207941 Laser Shark
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:21 | 3208056 Gohn Galt
Gohn Galt's picture

scissor me timbers!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:53 | 3207944 BrianZeroHedge
BrianZeroHedge's picture

"This is 911 - what would you like us to write on your tombstone?"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207945 sitenine
sitenine's picture

Better buy your scissors now!

I have some suspicion that Feinstein might try to classify them as assault weapons, require a background check, and possibly even ban them all together. I suspect Governor Cuomo will announce a ban for New York sometime next week.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208306 howenlink
howenlink's picture

They used to be called American Scissors, now they're called Assault Scissors, and they are NOT for hunting deer.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:59 | 3208381 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

You didn't scissor that!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:56 | 3208607 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

(but Janet did)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:52 | 3207946 alfbell
alfbell's picture

Rather than scissors which are dangerous, I'd prefer to throw donuts at a violent intruder or sociopath. Or maybe just hide under the nearest woman's skirt until the bad guy goes away.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:40 | 3208133 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

You could try applauding the guy, cheering him on, and going "niice shot" "ohhh yeah" and so on.   Get on his good side. 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:00 | 3208387 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Especially if he/she, gotta be gender neutral here, is poppin' off a few of your co-workers that you'd like to see put down.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:24 | 3208444 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

The cup is half full with Pure Evil, gotta respect that.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:51 | 3208881 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

America runs on Dunkin'.... Americans don't run from Dunkin'.  Keep ruining all those donuts and see how much help you get from law enforcement.  See something like Hot Donuts Now... Say something like "Hot Donuts Now".  (apologies to Krispy Kreme and the TSA: Thousands Scissoring Around). 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207949 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

just call the cops and wait for them-oh wait-you'd be dead by then. last night on local Chicago news there was a story on how DHS is throwing top-notch military equipment at all of the local podunk PDs and the reporter's gripe was the taxpayer $ that was being spent on MRAPs and night vision(not that $ is not a concern) but said nothing as to WHY all of this shit is needed by Barney Fife. DHS has shut down their gun giveaway because too many were turning up missing especially w/ Chicago PD-shocking-I know.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:48 | 3208920 mumcard
mumcard's picture

It'll be stolen or lost within a few years.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207954 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Duck and cover bitchez!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:08 | 3208001 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

As requested Dr E.  Have fun with ths site if you have never visited it before.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207955 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Fuck you Janet.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:11 | 3208240 bank guy in Brussels
bank guy in Brussels's picture

That's what Hillary says when they have a strap-on session

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:16 | 3208543 samsara
samsara's picture

That's MR. Janet to you....

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:57 | 3207956 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

Well, if someone waved a box cutter at me, I might die, but it would be from laughter - seriously folks, box cutters?  Does anybody believe that shit from 9/11?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207971 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I could believe the box cutter thing especially since US intelligence turned a convenient blind eye to all of the obvious bullshit going on.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:20 | 3208708 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

The FAA trained aircraft personnel to act that way in case of a hijacking, for decades.   They drilled and drilled and drilled on that.   That was of course based on non-suicidal hijackers, of which there were a lot in the news around the world up until that then, particularly in Europe.    The suicidal type of hijackers, just about uniquely islamic, were a pretty novel thing.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:57 | 3207958 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 If under attack, I'll threaten the shooter with a spitwad soaked in snot. No one wants the COOTIES...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:03 | 3207981 Seize Mars
Seize Mars's picture

I guess you only get justice if you are a Praetorian.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:43 | 3208005 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  Good post. We need moar Praetorians.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:59 | 3207962 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

"Or maybe just hide under the nearest [good looking] woman's skirt".  If I'm going to die, I want to die happy...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:00 | 3207966 Yes_Questions
Yes_Questions's picture



Just don't run with those scissors and whatever you do, DO NOT RUN OUT OF THE BUILDING WITH THEM EITHER.


While yelling or otherwise.


Big Bro.

We got this.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:21 | 3208062 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

Since these things are happening at schools, I think you'd get left back for running for your life with scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:55 | 3208507 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

The idea is that you convince the perp to run with the scissors, thereby ensuring he injures himself.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:58 | 3207967 Overfed
Overfed's picture

I need a shoulder rig fer mah scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207972 NOTfromSanFrancisco
NOTfromSanFrancisco's picture



"... and remember, if no scissors are available, grab paper, as many sheets as you can. When the active shooter passes by, take the edge of the paper and drag it across his neck from behind him, preferrably across his jugular vein if possible. Severe paper cuts and confusion on the part of the active shooter may be your only way out of this terrible situation... That or a S & W 357 with jacketed hollow points... Your choice..."

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:06 | 3207996 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I learned how to kill a man with just a withering look when I was in the SEALS

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:02 | 3208388 XitSam
XitSam's picture

The SEALS you say, Obersturmbannführer?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207973 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



JFC, what have we become? It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:00 | 3207974 dobermangang
dobermangang's picture

Scissors, swords or a sharp stick just not gonna cut it at a gun fight.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:39 | 3208662 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

"When scissors are outlawed, only seamstresses will have scissors".


(After paying $150 for a safety course and passing a suitable background check, being fingerprinted and having her medical records searched)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 03:46 | 3208744 knowless
knowless's picture

Do you realize how bizarrely likely that Is? Chefs would hide their knives and have to license each one, kept under lock and key, only someone in good standing would be allowed a kitchen knife.. Or those who work in the right house, where such rules are of course unnecessary. Metals confiscation is not limited to the precious variety. Understand a society in decay, understand what it means to go without on a grand scale with a government beholden only to those whose influence they must buy, the level of control garnered unbridled is near limitless.

I love that i sound like a lunatic and all, but i am completely serious.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:02 | 3207976 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

You mean big sis is going to let us keep pointy scissors? Are you sure those aren't assault scissors? The sheep might hurt themselves , better pass some legislation so that we can only have scissors with rounded tips.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:02 | 3207978 alfbell
alfbell's picture


Goons for a corrupt State.

Did you hear that Utah Data Center?




Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:13 | 3208014 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Pussy Riot is all CIA from what I hear.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:41 | 3208139 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

Communist lesbians defacing churches. So far, synagogues exempt.

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