Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture


Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 

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Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:38 | 3208115 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Rape, Murder!

It's just a shot away

Rape, Murder!

It's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:07 | 3208530 samsara
samsara's picture

Mary Clayton...  Great Verse

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:17 | 3208261 blindman
blindman's picture

The Rolling Stones - Street Fighting Man

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208082 nonclaim
nonclaim's picture

Scissors ... how about a *bayonet*?

Makes a rifle a lot more useful when bullets are running low.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208083 dobermangang
dobermangang's picture

Using scissors against a well-armed, mass shooter.  Hmmmm. 

Are we trying to get the killer to laugh himself to death?


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:31 | 3208092 reTARD
reTARD's picture

I recommend you do a "rock, paper, scissors" face-off with the active shooter.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:14 | 3208420 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Now, that's going full-reTARD!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 04:24 | 3208765 knowless
knowless's picture

Misrepresenting different modes of cognizance deters society from recognizing significant potential . I still think it's insane that i can't just fucking insult someone if i want. And retarded, is a legitimate and long used root, no worse than dumb, or stupid. If you want to destigmatize, then work on more properly defining and assisting individuals who fall outside the "normal" spectrum of or society, on your time. They will prove their worth.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 13:04 | 3209124 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Dude, are you retarded?

Effects of retarded thinking: In a situation where the post of another post is retarded too far, namely knowless, the poster fails to percieve the joke stemming from a previous poster avatar name, reTARD, along with the combination of previous ZH posts, see link: FULL RETARD, allowing it insufficient time to burn cognitively in the brain. This causes a loss of sense of humor and poor understanding of the human condition. Hesitation and backfiring will accompany the loss of comprehension causing the brain to foul while becoming a FULL LIBTARD which results in leaving pussy assed comments in the ZH blog-o-sphere.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:31 | 3208093 blindman
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:31 | 3208096 reTARD
reTARD's picture

Oh... if you have an iPhone or an iPad, throw it at the active shooter. See, more useful than gold. LOL

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:39 | 3208107 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Uncle Janet loves scissors.

The haircut is a tell.

Also, DHS employees will make for great human shields.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:38 | 3208334 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Uncle Janet....FUCKING L O L.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:38 | 3208112 Hotmustard
Hotmustard's picture

They should warn you NOT to run with Scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:39 | 3208118 Monedas
Monedas's picture

The deadliest scissors are the female kind .... two well turned legs .... hinged at the pussy .... cut your balls off !

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:30 | 3208422 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Not only that, but those deadly scissors will empty your wallet. And, the closer you get to the hinge the more the money falls out.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:41 | 3208126 hannah
hannah's picture

i killed a guy on alpha centuri VI with a tea cup....and a sugar spoon.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:45 | 3208145 s2man
s2man's picture

I knew there would be lots of good comments on this one...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:43 | 3208147 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Jeez how about wrist rocket and a high capacity pouch full of ball bearings.


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208311 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

DoChen's got you covered.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:05 | 3208525 samsara
samsara's picture

And a M80 or two in between the bearings....

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:56 | 3208684 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

They forgot to outlaw firecrackers in Egypt, so, wouldn't you know it, the damned protestors have started using them!


(Rocks and laser beams are readily available, as well)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 20:33 | 3209963 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Heh.  When I was a kid we used to fire cherry bombs with our slingshots.  M-80 ballistics aren't so good.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:45 | 3208150 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

SHIT! all i got is a safety scissors!  I think i'll staple the fucker.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:47 | 3208155 847328_3527
847328_3527's picture

"Run like hell" is better advice.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:19 | 3208265 Whatta
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:48 | 3208160 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Fucking scissors........What no one is saying, and it's so blatantly obvious that you should all be ashamed, is there is absolutely no need for scissors, or guns, or knitting needles, or even hiding under desks if you simply TAKE THE FUCKING TIME to understand the aggressor. Get to know him a bit, sympathize with his situation, try giving him a hug........Who doesn't fucking like hugs?? Everyone just jumps to conclusions and gets all paranoid when a 300lb scary looking dude kicks the fucking door to the office down and starts screaming and waiving a gun around.......

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:35 | 3208325 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

DHS next video will be "Stop a Mugging by Hugging".

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:44 | 3208591 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

The shit is flying fast and furious on this thread.

Good times!


Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:01 | 3208620 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

As a guy who did a stint in comedy, this thread is gold.



Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:49 | 3208672 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture


 I was a "kid in the hall" during "Consumer Economics" class.

It only took one question to light the fire.

"Why isn't it called producer economics?"


Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:52 | 3208167 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Has anyone ever seen a 100 round magazine for an AR15 (semi-automatic) .... that "Piers of Shit" Morgan keeps implying every one has one ?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:09 | 3208231 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Google C-mags; and yeah, I've seen my AR even.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:57 | 3208612 OldTrooper
OldTrooper's picture

Sure, I've seen them and used them.  They're typically heavy and don't work worth a damn, not to mention hellishly expensive.  Major feeding issues.  I'd rather have three 30 round mags.  That's the way of many extended magazines.  They sound/look scary until you actually try and use the damn things.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:53 | 3208678 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

They're called CLIPS, and they're MAGIC.   Don't you watch TV man?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:59 | 3208172 notadouche
notadouche's picture

I predict sometime in the next few weeks there will be an "active shooter situation" and  CNN will report about the "hero" that managed to difuse the situation by using a sharp object, perhaps a pair of scissors.

DHS is giving advice that is contrary to conventional wisdom for many years. something to do with not bringing a knife to a gun fight".  Really, a pair of scissors?  Scissors never beat gun, not even a fucking musket.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:34 | 3208315 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Like the off duty cop in Atlanta yesterday?....oh wait that was a gun and not scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:53 | 3208178 Lord Drek
Lord Drek's picture

Department for Helpless Sheeple.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:33 | 3208310 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Dead people Holding Scissors........

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:25 | 3208445 token
token's picture

+1 trillion.  Best comment yet!  I have tears coming out of my eyes over that one!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:36 | 3208578 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

That was good.

Very good.

Passing it on.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:55 | 3208180 PUD
PUD's picture

Be like Billy and Jane! When you see the nuclear flash..."duck and cover"...sing it with me...

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:55 | 3208681 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

If you put on that zinc oxide paste really thick, that'll give you a few extra milliseconds to get behind something.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:56 | 3208182 Monedas
Monedas's picture

An RIP uncle of mine .... who was in the navy .... said the hookers in Panama city .... kept long hat pins .... in their coiffures .... to poke eyes with ?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:55 | 3208185 Max Power
Max Power's picture

I'd call for pizza delivery. All that fighting off terrorist with sissors would make me hungry.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:00 | 3208198 blindman
blindman's picture

Grateful Dead - U.S. Blues (Studio Version)
".. wave that flag, wave it wide and high ..
summer time done come and gone my oh my .." r.h.
oh, but terrorism is quite the economic stimulator !
it must be all good in summerland vile.
Terrorism as economic stimulus for US
Posted on February 1, 2013 by stacyherbert
brought to you and yours by the sick and the dimmest
designing the future as if there were no tomorrow or
knowledge of yesterday, begging you to stay on the same
page of their comic horror script. living with/among/under psychopaths
does not get easier, it gets harder as time goes on. no/?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:00 | 3208205 strangeglove
strangeglove's picture

Muppet Skool!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:04 | 3208220 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

In moments of self-defense, my favorite weapon is a cherry bomb...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:08 | 3208230 notadouche
notadouche's picture

Isn't it ironic that the generation that stuck flowers in the rifles of "the man" and rioted against the authority protesting Vietnam and the tyranny of government is now leading the charge in giving the "man" all the power and weaponry and supporting government abuse of power and tearing apart the very civil rights they worked so hard for in the first place?   

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:09 | 3208232 enoch_root
enoch_root's picture

New rules ...

... rock, paper, scissors, AK-47 ...

sorry you lose.

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