Friday Humor: "When It Needs To Get There On Saturday"

Tyler Durden's picture


Remember the popular myth that there are some things that the private sector can never, ever possibly replicate the public sector in because, you know, "they didn't build that" and they couldn't possibly build that, even after accumulating some $16,487,564,297,892.03 in debt - no, only the government can be that efficient? We do. And apparently so does FedEx, which does so with just the faintest of a smirk...

h/t Ray

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Fri, 02/08/2013 - 22:23 | 3227981 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

"Vs. 45 cents with us postal."

hmm maybe there's a reason they're bankrupt again...

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 23:28 | 3228118 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

I don't mind the increased rates if they would give some sort of delivery confirmation or tracking for overseas mail/packages. I'd even pay extra for that. Too may packages I send to my relatives overseas (yes, even the UK!) are "misplaced" or "Lost" which means stolen imo.

I won't even get into sanding stuff to Italy, etc or most places in South America (like Brazil). That's a lost cause.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 10:12 | 3228539 Dark Space
Dark Space's picture

I know the answer to the question you ended with a period! Pick me! It's because one company is profitable and charging market rates and the other company/agency is bankrupt and charging non-market-based rates. FedEx does other crazy market-based calculations like charging a different price for a package going from San Francisco to New York, then say, New York to New York, and provides various scales of delivery times with shorter times costing more (on both the retail side and on the side of FedEx), so customers can choose how much they want to spend! In many cases this actually makes FedEx substantially cheaper than the USPS. It is not even a good argument to compare the two - the USPS is primarily failing to execute the model where they deliver small envelopes, and they are not competitive in either price or service quality with many large package delivery services - it's almost apples and oranges.


I use FedEx a lot (and USPS and UPS for that matter), and I've never been charged $40 for a priority letter. Even sending a standard FedEx 12" X 9" flat envelope with paper in it up to a 1lb, costs about $10-$13 for standard ground delivery (about two days, and comparable with the post office regular service for a few sheets of paper trifolded into their standard envelope size). If you compare faster shipping, and same size envelopes, with a target of shipping it this morning (Saturday) and it arriving Monday, and keep it on the eastern seaboard (as an example - costs go up if you're shipping to Alaska from New York to as much as $36, but that doesn't represent your typical package) then it costs $19.95 at the post office and $17.60 at FedEx.


Then, on top of this failure to compete in the marketplace with consumers, the USPS has a fleet of employees that are overpaid and a bulging middle management that even the letter carriers are up in arms over. Even your flex part-time employee is getting a base of $28 an hour (see the website for their Union's negotiated base rates) to take a pre-sorted group of letters out of a container and place them in the mailbox with a matching street number and name. I can hire someone with an associates degree who understands relatively complex accounting procedures for half that, full-time, and these people are doing tasks my 10 year old could complete (except she can't drive the mail cart legally). The average pay for a unionized postal worker exceeds $70k, and comes with a pension that starts at year 20. So, you can theoretically retire at age 40 (if you started at age 20) and start a new career while earning a retirement pension - that's insane. I realize the pension is not much if you retire at 40, but in the private sector we're generally not allowed to quit working at 40 and receive money for it.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 22:26 | 3227983 MrX
MrX's picture


Fri, 02/08/2013 - 22:35 | 3228007 Buck Johnson
Buck Johnson's picture

Soon the USPS will be a thing of the past.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 23:29 | 3228124 logically possible
logically possible's picture

USPS will be around as long as the US government, that may not be very long.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:13 | 3227485 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Get ready cause it's comin. USPS Mon-Wed-Fri delivery only ! it or lump it

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:23 | 3227508 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

There will be new life for the USPS and employees when they deputize mail carriers as DHS agents.

Think of all the intelligence they already have on the people on their routes.

Getting packages from APMEX, Adam & Eve, or NRA mailings?

GPS units and HD video cameras on every mail van.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:25 | 3227525 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

It's only about 300 yards to the post box from my driveway. .54R will make that with iron sights easy...

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:27 | 3227529 FL_Conservative
FL_Conservative's picture

AND collection agents for the IRS.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:18 | 3227673 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

And they could also install the sensors to read your new "smart" power meter in their delivery trucks at the same time.

Imagine the Monty Python skit:

Help!  Help!  I'm being oppressed!

By whom sir?

By the post office! 

<Thunderous Laughter>

And now for something completely different....

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 09:35 | 3228492 flapdoodle
flapdoodle's picture

Shame! You are conflating Monty Python and Laugh-In.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:37 | 3227558 CuriousPasserby
CuriousPasserby's picture

APMEX, Adam & Eve, and NRA. Jeez nailed me.  All three this week. :-(

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:33 | 3227711 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Takes one to know one" as the saying goes... ;-)

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:49 | 3227759 Michelle
Michelle's picture

Geez, why wait for mail order when we can go to the local Adam and Eve store? The moment may pass by the time it arrives by mail.....

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 22:12 | 3227962 EvlTheCat
EvlTheCat's picture

By the time the Bureaucracy gets done, protecting us from ourselves, that plastic love toy will have a 3 day waiting period on it and they will have to run an FBI background check on you.  Trust me with the thought of Big Sis watching, the moment will have passed..

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 02:12 | 3228283 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Eek the Cat has a point; Any moment like that you have to plan for to make it really worthwhile. 

Wink, wink.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 09:56 | 3228509 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Needing to go to a store belies an almost criminal lack of imagination.


Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:22 | 3227513 Cursive
Cursive's picture


Exactly.  My local shitty Gannett-owned newspaper (I'm not a sucker subscriber) dropped the Monday edition and there are 2 sections for every day except Sunday when they distribute the coupons.  Hell, the Times-Picayune dropped Monday too (but they had a special Super Bowl edition this past Monday.  Yay for that!).  Anyway, this is just another sign of our economic Depression.  Suppliers don't change the price, but they give you a lot less of the product.  More filler, less killer.  Thanks, BernanQE.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 12:04 | 3228653 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Do you suppose people don't want it because of all the bullshit lies of MSM? The one & only local paper here is so biased it's pathetic. 

Get to work Chairman!

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:12 | 3227487 valley chick
valley chick's picture

is the delivery of parcels to PO Boxes only for the USPS?  This does not make any sense in saving money...they would be paying the carriers to come in and still run the route.  I could see if the clerks were sorting the parcels for the PO Boxes with no carrier delivery to the home.  They use to ..dont know if they still do...have a hub to handle the express mail on holidays that would carry express mail for various post offices and make the home delivery.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:13 | 3227490 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

Reading about the plight of the USPS reminds me off the courtroom scene from Miralce on 34th St. Mr.Gailey saves Kris Kringle by introducing evidence of a highly efficient, well maintained, profitable enterprise. Today Edmund Gwenn would be screwed.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:15 | 3227496 Cursive
Cursive's picture

I remember the PBS "ads" (or is it self-sponsorship in Newspeak):

If PBS didn't do it, who would?


Um, like, a lot of people.  Hell, the penguin filmers rode Morgan Freeman to an Oscar.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:28 | 3227693 RopeADope
RopeADope's picture

If PBS didn't get Breuer to step down, who would? Of course in the new era of lie about everything Breuer was lying about stepping down apparently.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:18 | 3227506 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

Isn't the USPS the only agency and even public company required by law to FULLY PREFUND all future worker benefits 100%???    What if this law was imposed on all public companies and govt agencies?

They are just the canary in the coal mine of REALITY.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:46 | 3227581 ersatzteil
ersatzteil's picture

DoD's been doing it for decades. It's how we maintain an "all volunteer army".

But hell, in this job market I bet they could skim a lot off of benefits and still have lines outside recruitment offices.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:06 | 3227641 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

The USPS is self funded, the DoD (or Department of Offense) is a leech off of the productive citizens of this country.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 21:08 | 3227800 Midas
Midas's picture

If anyone wants to get informed, here is a link to the first quarter financials for the USPS which came out today.

Summary:  A 1.3 billion dollar loss.  If you subtract the 1.4 billion dollar pre-payment for the future retiree HEALTH benefit (not pension) they made some small change.

Factor in the 2.3% postage increase and the 26,000 workers that retired last week and maybe they can break even, which is what congress has told them to do.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 12:32 | 3228689 ultraticum
ultraticum's picture

So the fix looks simple.  Cancel their bloated pensions like has happened throughout private industry.  And I'm not being sarcastic.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:17 | 3227668 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Isn't the USPS the only agency and even public company required by law to FULLY PREFUND its future bailout???

There, fixed it for you. The pirates in CONgress love big idle piles of OPM.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:20 | 3227509 a growing concern
a growing concern's picture

How about: when it needs to get there not stolen by some government asshole who just decided to take home a guitar I mailed?

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 17:16 | 3229262 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

yup...happened to me, too...gotta love the postal inspectors and their guarantee of "we may or may not look into this..."

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:21 | 3227510 Crtrvlt
Crtrvlt's picture

Fed ex and ups got a back door bailout when the 2006 congress passed the paea law forcing USPS to prefund 75 yrs of health benefits.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:42 | 3227574 sunnyside
sunnyside's picture

If you subtract that 5 billion, didn't they still lose over 10 billion last year?

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:50 | 3227763 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Good Lord! thing they'll want them to contribute some small meaningless percentile to their own retirement too!

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:21 | 3227512 FoeHammer
FoeHammer's picture

From The Onion 'WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays. “You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahue, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules.'

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:25 | 3227522 hankwil74
hankwil74's picture

The USPS is broke in the same way that Enron was a profitable company.  It's all accounting bullshit.  Because George W. Bush was/is a complete moron, he bowed to UPS/FedEx lobbyists and passed a law that mandated that the USPS must pre-pay the health care benefits of not only their current employees, but of any employee that is going to retire in the NEXT 75 YEARS!

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:45 | 3227749 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Bush's Fault!!!

Man its just like old times ;-)

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 21:58 | 3227922 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

a turd sandwich in the hand, is worth two cheney's in the bush...

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 22:02 | 3227936 nmewn
nmewn's picture

O'Barry at the skeet range...PULL!!!


Owww, I'm done ;-)

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 01:09 | 3228235 gallistic
gallistic's picture

Dick Cheney was banned from the skeet at Camp David.

They buried the unfortunate intern on the camp grounds, sans face...

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 21:26 | 3227842 fxrxexexdxoxmx
fxrxexexdxoxmx's picture

Another poorly managed semi-government entity that Bush is somehow the only President in the USPS life span that is responsible for all of its problems.  Never mind the 35 years that "Dems" contolled the spending purse.  Is that you Barracky?

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 21:47 | 3227896 Bangin7GramRocks
Bangin7GramRocks's picture

They will send a letter 3,000 miles in a few days for 45 cents. How can you compare. Is it a government program; of course it is. But if stamps were properly priced at 3 or 4 dollars it would really hurt the elderly and poor. I'm well aware that few people on here give two shits about the elderly and the poor but that is the truth.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 22:11 | 3227961 hankwil74
hankwil74's picture

What you don't get, because you are a moron, is that the Postal Service really doesn't have problems.  Their only problem is that they have to fully fund the health care plans for PEOPLE THEY HAVEN'T HIRED YET.  Their losses come from a law passed by GWB that forces them to PRE-PAY the health care costs for any employee they might have over the next 75 years.  Do some research before you put your hands to a keyboard and come off as an uneducated lemming.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 00:01 | 3228167 CuriousPasserby
CuriousPasserby's picture

Dickley, presidents don't pass laws, the House and the Senate pass laws.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 10:01 | 3228520 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Uh, no, they pass's not a law until the President signs it.

"Oh yes I hope and pray that I will, but today, I am still just a Bill"

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:25 | 3227523 misnomer
misnomer's picture

Geez, we haven't had Saturday delivery in Canada for 40+ years, I don't see what the big deal is.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 19:40 | 3227559 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Yeah, another reason Canada sucks a giant bag of dicks. Thoughtcrime/"hate speech" laws, shitty gun laws, it's actually against the law to order a burger medium rare, and they fucking measure your shots so you are forced to order doubles all the time at $12 a throw. And that fucking Canadian "double" is still shorter than a solid American single pour.

Canada stinks.

Fri, 02/08/2013 - 20:09 | 3227651 ersatzteil
ersatzteil's picture

Clearly the above is a compelling argument to defend such a grand nation as Canada by investing in the C$16 billion (edit: C$30 billion)stealthy (edit: kind of stealthy) all weather (edit: sunshine-only) CF-35.

Sat, 02/09/2013 - 02:07 | 3228278 misnomer
misnomer's picture

Yeah, right.  I hear we live in igloo's too...

I thought this was Friday Humour...sorry carry on the hate

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