The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars

Tyler Durden's picture

From the youngest to the oldest nominee for best actress (Quvenzhane Wallis - 9 and Emmanuelle Riva - 85) to the relative money gambled on the outcomes, we thought it only appropriate to provide some education and information as this evening's self-congratulatory mutual masturbation begins. With TED scoring well in social media, hopes of an Angelina Jolie thigh-show high, and enough communal drinking-game directions to sink Seth MacFarlane, we hope this provides a little levity as the seriousness of Daniel Day-Lewis' method overwhelms.

 

The History of the Oscars...

 

 

The Oscars vs The Superbowl (from 2010)... (click image for large version)

 

And if social media was deciding (click image for visual via The UK's Daily Mirror)...

 

And finally, Esquire's always-classy drinking game...

Drinking communally is one of the great innovations of the modern world. The Oscars, and awards-shows in general, are not. Filled with pomp, circumstance, and self-importance, they are only made bearable by the moments that really remind us of what the movies are all about — nostalgia, storytelling, honoring artists you know have worked hard and haven't sold their souls. For the rest, well, we'll get through it together. Here are some Eat Like a Man-approved beverages to pair with your Best Picture nominees of choice and a few easy rules for participation.*

Drink this if you're rooting for...

Take a sip if...

  • The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
  • Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
  • You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Tom Cruise bares his teeth.
  • Tarantino smirks.
  • Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms make an appearance (one for each arm).
  • The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
  • An actress is described as "lovely."
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
  • The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
  • The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
  • Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.

Take a gulp if...

  • Angelina and Brad don't show up.
  • Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
  • Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
  • Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
  • Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
  • Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
  • The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
  • Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
  • If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
  • You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
  • The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
  • If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
  • If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
  • If Beyonce's there.
  • Someone pulls a Pesci.
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
  • Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary).

Down the whole bottle if...

  • Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni.
  • Anyone drops a statue.
  • Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
  • The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!

Down the whole bottle, break it over your head, and forget the whole thing if...

  • Les Misérables wins.
  • Life of Pi wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman sings.

*Esquire does not condone binge drinking. (Unless Benh Zeitlin wins Best Director, because at that point, why not?)

 

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Jason T's picture

got a 12 pack of PBR at walmart today.. $6.54 before tax and deposit.. not too bad.. but drank 6 of em already.. will pass on drinking game.

Zer0head's picture

I made some comments about Business Insider and Ritholtz, earlier on,

 

My mistake,, Henry and Barry I despise you for everything you represent, but Oscar and ZH?

 

now I know that we are truly fucked

 

 

NewThor's picture

FUCK THE OSCARS.

 

Can You believe Disney bought Star Wars?

Can You believe the guy directing Star Trek is also gonna direct 

Star Wars?

Can you believe they are bringing 75 year old Han Solo back?

Can you believe modern movies suck so bad?

I guess the facebook/twitter model killed the screenwriter,

bitchez.

 

Uber Vandal's picture

Can you believe with all of the truly important things to be concerned about, anyone actually cares about any of that?

flacon's picture

What is "The Oscars"? 

AssFire's picture

Zactly,

I have not been to see a movie since Fight Club.

I refuse to spend money supporting people who are so active in destroying our country in so many ways.

Plus, I hate them and their movies suck!

knukles's picture

Well, Helena Bonham Carter was just on the screen, looking every bit of and good as Marla ever has.

"I haven't been fucked like that since 6th grade."
Well Marla, you haven't been here in the 2000's

vato poco's picture

Since *grade school*. Homey. "[She] hasn't been fucked like that since GRADE SCHOOL." World may be going to hell around our very ears, but precision in quoting the classics is what seperates us from the animals. And politicians.

Also, HBC seems to one *seriously* fcuked-up chick IRL - so much so that 'Marla" may have just been typecasting. She's married to Tim Burton, noted director and apparent necrophiliac.

NewThor's picture

You are correct.

I am really way more concerned about the Sun turning into a

Phoenix and flying birds in space.

Hey did you know the Phoenix is the symbol of the Royal Jubilee?

 

 http://youtu.be/Xw7jzkyUBf0

Pure Evil's picture

Get back to me when the Adult Video News Awards, the "Oscars of Porn", make center stage.

Until then, everything else is irrelevant.

Oscars of Porn

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Mr. Spock disapproves when I beam up the porn queens and give them my award, after they tell me they're into Free Enterprise.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

I'd get more excited if the Phoenix were a symbol of a Debt Jubilee.

salvadordaly's picture

Can you believe that anyone would know that?

Can you believe that things like the Oscars are truly what is wrong with this world?

Can you believe that the U.S. in drowning in debt never to recover again in our lifetime?

Can you belive I had to waste 2 minutes of my time to type this out?

Can you believe that if you know what Star Wars will be producing in future movies you are the problem?

Damn, I give up!

ISEEIT's picture

Liar:) You'll still drink 'em.

22winmag's picture

Must be nice. The price of Sam Adams 12 packs increased 10.8% from $9.99 to $11.77 yesterday at my local WalMart.

Smegley Wanxalot's picture

If that's no typo, then with math like that you need to work for the govt calculating inflation.

Orly's picture

Plus, a twelve-pack of Sam Adams is more like sixteen...

ISEEIT's picture

You fucking liar. The only reason prices have appeared to increase is that your perceptions have been hijacked by the extreme right. The truth is that actually everything is okay and indeed becoming more so everyday..Except of course for the 'republican problem'.

These 'people' must be confronted.

Hey, friend??? I'd like to have a real conversation with you about making some difficult choices. These rightwing extremist have demonstrated a cold and callused disregard for the truth that Michelle and I work so tirelessly to promote ( not to mention Joe and his selfless efforts that together with Jill do so very much for this thing we call a 'nation').

So 22winmag...Can you find it in your cold white heart to have some compassion for our cause? $2.00 would really help.

We'll feel much better explaining to Oprah why we did this if you would just pitch in and go along.

Get on the train.

FORWARD!!

Oldwood's picture

Damn those right wing extremists! The cockroaches get along just fine until someone has to turn the damn lights on!

nmewn's picture

Yes, constantly calling for more regulations, increasing taxes, more PC speech, licensing, fees, restrictions on liberties, creating shell companies for cronies, laughing while wheeling granny over the fiscal cliff in her wheel chair, the starving of school children, freeeeee! birth control pills for priests & nuns, the open, blatant sequestration of desperately needed bureaucratic funding for the pencil pusher class (that was the last straw for enlightened "progressive" mind such as myself)...to the ramparts!!!

Freddie's picture

TV, Hollywood and the Oscars are for retards who enjoy being brainwashed.

The Abe movie is pro-Obummer big govt let's have another Civil War evilness.  

The other CIA Affleck movie is more liberal CIA Operation Mockingbird crap. 

The public is so clueless how this shit is total propaganda and mind control trash for idiots.

Cosimo de Medici's picture

Says the man who championed Millers Crossing a few thousand posts ago, aka last week.

Freddie's picture

I woke up since I saw Miler's Crossing a long time ago.  I thought and still think John Tutorro is a good actor usually playing creepy guys.  His line about what is the play in MC was pretty good.

For the past 6 to 7 years - I cannot stomach Hollywood's trash or TV.  Full on brainwashing for idiots.

Overfed's picture

+1 on John Turturro. One of the best actors out there, and totally underrated.

Overfed's picture

Duplicate post. Dammit.

Pure Evil's picture

Shhhhsss........Freddie, don't give the secret of the Big Lie away.

knukles's picture

Ding ding ding ding ding
We have a wide awake spectator in the audience tonight.

 

And the greatest bit o' horseshit in Perceptions Management with Agro (or whatever that fucking Affleck thing is called) is that first, the "producers were aided in information as to the operation by the CIA"
Uh-huh
Then, there's that story a surfacin' that top secret information was leaked by the movie

Whadda Bit o' Horseshit
Oh, it's just soooooooooo inside the smooth working of the CIA, people you are blessed they are on our side, FFS....

Makes you proud to be an.... etc.

Ya kno, this being awake stuff is sometimes not all its cracked up to be....

newdoobie's picture

Jeez - Shut up and have a drink

ISEEIT's picture

Being 'normal' would be so much more painless.

knukles's picture

My apologies... I posted the prior before reading yours.
Troof blutha

Alcoholic Native American's picture

Zero Dark Thirty all the way.  Brilliant performance.

NewThor's picture

"We have no technology that can hear through walls."

 

otto skorzeny's picture

if you believe any of the bullshit in ZD30( A CIA Production) I have a bunch of Lehman Bros stock to sell you.

NewThor's picture

Osama Bin Laden dieing of Kidney failure in 2003 would have

made a boring movie, don't you agree?

Pure Evil's picture

No, I think a 3-D version of Bin Laden hooked to a dialysis machine for 6 hours would probably be more emotionally and intellectually honest.

Cosimo de Medici's picture

You must be a physician, too, and work for the uninsured division of Mèdecins sans Frontières.


Cosimo de Medici's picture

What's your best offer?  If your valuation analysis is anywhere near as faulty as your self-assured belief system based on absolutely zero firsthand knowledge, I might bid for the whole float.

otto skorzeny's picture

you will be a favored snitch by the guards at the FEMA camp

Yen Cross's picture

  Tyler you made my day! A swilling game for the Hollywood degenerates. I'll watch and forget. We need a drinking cloud.

  Hell, based on my weekly charts, the algo's don't start sucking you in until just before New York opens on Tuesdays. Yes, Tyler I follow your pattern specific charting, and do some of my own! +1

A Lunatic's picture

The Thinking man is not watching the fucking Oscars. The Drinking man is not watching the fucking Oscars. The Emasculated, Tweeting, Metrosexual, Facebooking, Volt Driving Loser man........ probably.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Cheers to that! My wife is watching the Oscars. I'm blogging on ZH.  Bitchez!

icanhasbailout's picture

The thinking man knows this is the best night of the year to be "working late at the office" if you know what I mean

Overfed's picture

I was working on re-reading LOTR while my wife watched the Oscars. I swear, that story gets better and more relevant every time I read it.

nmewn's picture

Who are the Oscars?

ISEEIT's picture

Just stop with the endless conspiracy theory crap already.

Can't you just fucking sleep?