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The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars
From the youngest to the oldest nominee for best actress (Quvenzhane Wallis - 9 and Emmanuelle Riva - 85) to the relative money gambled on the outcomes, we thought it only appropriate to provide some education and information as this evening's self-congratulatory mutual masturbation begins. With TED scoring well in social media, hopes of an Angelina Jolie thigh-show high, and enough communal drinking-game directions to sink Seth MacFarlane, we hope this provides a little levity as the seriousness of Daniel Day-Lewis' method overwhelms.
The History of the Oscars...
The Oscars vs The Superbowl (from 2010)... (click image for large version)
And if social media was deciding (click image for visual via The UK's Daily Mirror)...
And finally, Esquire's always-classy drinking game...
Drinking communally is one of the great innovations of the modern world. The Oscars, and awards-shows in general, are not. Filled with pomp, circumstance, and self-importance, they are only made bearable by the moments that really remind us of what the movies are all about — nostalgia, storytelling, honoring artists you know have worked hard and haven't sold their souls. For the rest, well, we'll get through it together. Here are some Eat Like a Man-approved beverages to pair with your Best Picture nominees of choice and a few easy rules for participation.*
Drink this if you're rooting for...
- Amour — The best red wine you can find.
- Argo — Canadian Club.
- Beasts of the Southern Wild — Smirnoff, warm.
- Django Unchained — A brain-duster.
- Les Misérables — French vermouth and cura¸ao.
- Life of Pi — Mao-tai, if you can find it.
- Lincoln — Coke (in honor of his teetotaling) or Old Crow Whiskey (his general's favorite).
- Silver Linings Playbook — Victory Prima Pils (from Philly).
- Zero Dark Thirty — A stiff dark and stormy.
Take a sip if...
- The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
- Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
- You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
- You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
- You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
- You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence.
- Tom Cruise bares his teeth.
- Tarantino smirks.
- Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms make an appearance (one for each arm).
- The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
- An actress is described as "lovely."
- They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
- The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
- The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
- Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.
Take a gulp if...
- Angelina and Brad don't show up.
- Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
- Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
- Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
- Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
- Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
- The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
- Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
- If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
- You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
- The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
- If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
- If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
- If Beyonce's there.
- Someone pulls a Pesci.
- They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
- Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary).
Down the whole bottle if...
- Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni.
- Anyone drops a statue.
- Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
- The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!
Down the whole bottle, break it over your head, and forget the whole thing if...
- Les Misérables wins.
- Life of Pi wins.
- If Hugh Jackman wins.
- If Hugh Jackman sings.
*Esquire does not condone binge drinking. (Unless Benh Zeitlin wins Best Director, because at that point, why not?)
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got a 12 pack of PBR at walmart today.. $6.54 before tax and deposit.. not too bad.. but drank 6 of em already.. will pass on drinking game.
slacker.
this movie is better: http://vimeo.com/15056028
I made some comments about Business Insider and Ritholtz, earlier on,
My mistake,, Henry and Barry I despise you for everything you represent, but Oscar and ZH?
now I know that we are truly fucked
FUCK THE OSCARS.
Can You believe Disney bought Star Wars?
Can You believe the guy directing Star Trek is also gonna direct
Star Wars?
Can you believe they are bringing 75 year old Han Solo back?
Can you believe modern movies suck so bad?
I guess the facebook/twitter model killed the screenwriter,
bitchez.
Can you believe with all of the truly important things to be concerned about, anyone actually cares about any of that?
What is "The Oscars"?
Zactly,
I have not been to see a movie since Fight Club.
I refuse to spend money supporting people who are so active in destroying our country in so many ways.
Plus, I hate them and their movies suck!
Well, Helena Bonham Carter was just on the screen, looking every bit of and good as Marla ever has.
"I haven't been fucked like that since 6th grade."
Well Marla, you haven't been here in the 2000's
Since *grade school*. Homey. "[She] hasn't been fucked like that since GRADE SCHOOL." World may be going to hell around our very ears, but precision in quoting the classics is what seperates us from the animals. And politicians.
Also, HBC seems to one *seriously* fcuked-up chick IRL - so much so that 'Marla" may have just been typecasting. She's married to Tim Burton, noted director and apparent necrophiliac.
You are correct.
I am really way more concerned about the Sun turning into a
Phoenix and flying birds in space.
Hey did you know the Phoenix is the symbol of the Royal Jubilee?
http://youtu.be/Xw7jzkyUBf0
Get back to me when the Adult Video News Awards, the "Oscars of Porn", make center stage.
Until then, everything else is irrelevant.
Oscars of Porn
Mr. Spock disapproves when I beam up the porn queens and give them my award, after they tell me they're into Free Enterprise.
I'd get more excited if the Phoenix were a symbol of a Debt Jubilee.
What is Oscars? Hope this helps
gty_jack_klugman_ll_121224_wg.jpg
Can you believe that anyone would know that?
Can you believe that things like the Oscars are truly what is wrong with this world?
Can you believe that the U.S. in drowning in debt never to recover again in our lifetime?
Can you belive I had to waste 2 minutes of my time to type this out?
Can you believe that if you know what Star Wars will be producing in future movies you are the problem?
Damn, I give up!
Liar:) You'll still drink 'em.
Must be nice. The price of Sam Adams 12 packs increased 10.8% from $9.99 to $11.77 yesterday at my local WalMart.
If that's no typo, then with math like that you need to work for the govt calculating inflation.
Plus, a twelve-pack of Sam Adams is more like sixteen...
You fucking liar. The only reason prices have appeared to increase is that your perceptions have been hijacked by the extreme right. The truth is that actually everything is okay and indeed becoming more so everyday..Except of course for the 'republican problem'.
These 'people' must be confronted.
Hey, friend??? I'd like to have a real conversation with you about making some difficult choices. These rightwing extremist have demonstrated a cold and callused disregard for the truth that Michelle and I work so tirelessly to promote ( not to mention Joe and his selfless efforts that together with Jill do so very much for this thing we call a 'nation').
So 22winmag...Can you find it in your cold white heart to have some compassion for our cause? $2.00 would really help.
We'll feel much better explaining to Oprah why we did this if you would just pitch in and go along.
Get on the train.
FORWARD!!
Damn those right wing extremists! The cockroaches get along just fine until someone has to turn the damn lights on!
Yes, constantly calling for more regulations, increasing taxes, more PC speech, licensing, fees, restrictions on liberties, creating shell companies for cronies, laughing while wheeling granny over the fiscal cliff in her wheel chair, the starving of school children, freeeeee! birth control pills for priests & nuns, the open, blatant sequestration of desperately needed bureaucratic funding for the pencil pusher class (that was the last straw for enlightened "progressive" mind such as myself)...to the ramparts!!!
There's finally a cure for that:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfxs2wpJdtA&feature=player_embedded
TV, Hollywood and the Oscars are for retards who enjoy being brainwashed.
The Abe movie is pro-Obummer big govt let's have another Civil War evilness.
The other CIA Affleck movie is more liberal CIA Operation Mockingbird crap.
The public is so clueless how this shit is total propaganda and mind control trash for idiots.
Says the man who championed Millers Crossing a few thousand posts ago, aka last week.
I woke up since I saw Miler's Crossing a long time ago. I thought and still think John Tutorro is a good actor usually playing creepy guys. His line about what is the play in MC was pretty good.
For the past 6 to 7 years - I cannot stomach Hollywood's trash or TV. Full on brainwashing for idiots.
+1 on John Turturro. One of the best actors out there, and totally underrated.
Duplicate post. Dammit.
Shhhhsss........Freddie, don't give the secret of the Big Lie away.
Ding ding ding ding ding
We have a wide awake spectator in the audience tonight.
And the greatest bit o' horseshit in Perceptions Management with Agro (or whatever that fucking Affleck thing is called) is that first, the "producers were aided in information as to the operation by the CIA"
Uh-huh
Then, there's that story a surfacin' that top secret information was leaked by the movie
Whadda Bit o' Horseshit
Oh, it's just soooooooooo inside the smooth working of the CIA, people you are blessed they are on our side, FFS....
Makes you proud to be an.... etc.
Ya kno, this being awake stuff is sometimes not all its cracked up to be....
Jeez - Shut up and have a drink
Being 'normal' would be so much more painless.
My apologies... I posted the prior before reading yours.
Troof blutha
Zero Dark Thirty all the way. Brilliant performance.
"We have no technology that can hear through walls."
if you believe any of the bullshit in ZD30( A CIA Production) I have a bunch of Lehman Bros stock to sell you.
Osama Bin Laden dieing of Kidney failure in 2003 would have
made a boring movie, don't you agree?
No, I think a 3-D version of Bin Laden hooked to a dialysis machine for 6 hours would probably be more emotionally and intellectually honest.
You must be a physician, too, and work for the uninsured division of Mèdecins sans Frontières.
What's your best offer? If your valuation analysis is anywhere near as faulty as your self-assured belief system based on absolutely zero firsthand knowledge, I might bid for the whole float.
you will be a favored snitch by the guards at the FEMA camp
Like 9/11.
Tyler you made my day! A swilling game for the Hollywood degenerates. I'll watch and forget. We need a drinking cloud.
Hell, based on my weekly charts, the algo's don't start sucking you in until just before New York opens on Tuesdays. Yes, Tyler I follow your pattern specific charting, and do some of my own! +1
The Thinking man is not watching the fucking Oscars. The Drinking man is not watching the fucking Oscars. The Emasculated, Tweeting, Metrosexual, Facebooking, Volt Driving Loser man........ probably.
Cheers to that! My wife is watching the Oscars. I'm blogging on ZH. Bitchez!
The thinking man knows this is the best night of the year to be "working late at the office" if you know what I mean
I was working on re-reading LOTR while my wife watched the Oscars. I swear, that story gets better and more relevant every time I read it.
Who are the Oscars?
Just stop with the endless conspiracy theory crap already.
Can't you just fucking sleep?
Don't fuck with my homeboy, prick.
He was jdoking ;-)
lol...jdorner unchained!!!
Wilde? De la Renta? The Grouch?
Zero Dark Thirty
Rum, ginger ale, quartered limes, squeezed and dropped into high ball glass with ice.
Fine movie.
Really...The Oscars could be that 'watershed' moment that humanity has been waiting for. Maybe this will be that breaking event..?
Perhaps the last of us will finally be drowned in the matrix of deciet as we sit calmly and ever so stoned in front of the executioner?
Maybe huh?
The conditioning is strong...But I'm still alive so it isn't 100% effective.
Provin' it since 1965!
Circuses are, in fact, a real thing...
Nice work! This might be better then the elections. Off to the store I go for some party treats. ;-)
It's time for Hollywood to get some good old fashion fisting from Z/H.
Forget TV, I like to read:
"* If you stop and think a minute, the PEONAGE system is really what America is under, right the ef now. Instead of company tokens and wealthy Yankee Robber Barons, they now have beautifully printed pieces of paper and national debt slavery to NWO Globalist Jew bankers. Think about it a little and you’ll get what’s really behind the “culture wars” business (actually anti-White brainwashing and Marxist social manipulations)."
http://incogman.net/2013/02/jew-controlled-media-continues-the-white-hat...
Anne Hathaways' nips could cut glass tonite .
pictures???
Try these links for a view of those prominent pointers http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.gotceleb.com/wp-content/u... http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2013/02/25/347848-oscars-201... http://www.ibtimes.com/anne-hathaway-wardrobe-malfunction-oscars-2013-dr...shame about the face though.
you know you live in a declining empire when ....
all your celebrations, ceremonies, rewards and awards
are either a result of brain damage or a cause of it.
.
or .....
......you re-elect a brown Full Retard that spends more time on vacation and living it up with celebrities than pursuing policies that put the unemployed back to work.
funny dat-the bros give him a free pass when it comes to skyrocketing bro unemployment.
Now why the fuck could that be?
when your first lady presents the picture of the
year oscar to the producers of the cia's production
in full and open collaboration with the hollywood
star system establishment.
Best Propaganda Film (OSCAR 2013 SPOILER! LEAKED CLIP!!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Clza1XVA0SI
You find yourself admiring Tom Cruise's beard.
Who was he?
Roger Maris, all class, all the time.
Oh you are actually funny. Thank you for offering me an anchor, with chain attached so as that I can justify not giving up. If I was the only 'crazy' person then cowardice would be my lover instead.
Fuck this bullshit. I'd rather watch "How It's Made" than this self-congratulatory shit.
But I have to get through my local network anchors doing the fucking Harlem Shake first....
I prefer to watch "How it's laid" a fine documentary about how I teach some young innocent girl how to stretch for the star(fish).
+1 from me. My wife watched SNL last night, and I watched "How it's Made". She fell asleep, I didn't. :-)
ah yes.......yet another "jewish" awards show hosted by "jews" presenting "awards" to "jews" and philo semites for "jewish" themes, propaganda and crime cover-ups.
I'll pass.
dont be grumpy. it's a club. the jews are in. you're not. it's that simple.
I watch schindler's list and then shut it off-the last few scenes ruin an otherwise fun movie
YIKES. I dunno how to vote that one. I feel it would be better if it was Weinstein's List.
"swindler's mist"......no business like shoah business
I like to watch "roots" backwards.......it has a much happier ending that way
You'll miss Steven Speilberg picking up at least one award. He always does.
I could by a few bars of xag with one of those Oscar party favor bags.
Please pick up a white courtesy phone....you have an urgent message.....
Sorry Iridium, I literally went for a run down the hill to the Liquior Store.( takes too long to drive) Those Hollywood wankers don't rent space in my mind. I would never turn down a chance to emasculate those douches on Z/H though.
Paging Freddy...
I'll fill in for him. Don't give those f****ng Hollyweird pervs a minute of your time. Turn off your TEE VEE.
Khan!!!! This is lame, I'm switching to women's curling.
fuk hollywood, i get all the entertainment i need right out of washington.
I'd rather buy martini's for and drink with MillionDollarBonus than watch these narcissistic fucks self congratulate themselves all night.
The Oscars - it's just a gaggle of rich socialist hypocrites and shit stains.
Lord Teleprompter approves this message
Another Bullshit media circus for the dumbed down masses.
just like the political system
Funny how ZH forgets to mention that the stock market is a true indicator of a country and a presidents success which makes Obama is probaly the best president in the history of the US
How about a +1 for some Obama love up in here
ROTFL!!!...a tragic comedy has been nominated?
Who are the stars, whats the name?
I give Obama all the love he needs, everytime I pinch a deuce while sitting on my royal porcelain throne.
And life couldn't be better with Berstank printing all the TP I could ever need!
When graded on a very steep curve.
MDB you are not, fucknuts.
I be hearing' Obama spent some quality time with "Big Cushion" Mooshelle and get'n the stank back on his hang down.
I don't watch TV so I had no motivation to watch any of those 5 movies. I can't believe it I did not watch a single one of them. I'm not interested in what other people are doing. Lordy lordy I'm becoming an indibidual.
Oh no I'm not that's right I watched Resident Evil 3D at the theater. It was not one of the better REs but the 3D made it fun.
Watched naked Angelina Jolie kill all the heros in Beowulf last week. It was not much of a story to begin with but they followed a lot of the cotton vitellius A xv.
Maybe its Hollywood's new method of copyright protection. Make them so bad that no one will want to steal them.
This is rich. (Robert wake up in the wrong house Jr.)and Samuel ass clown Jackson giving awards for humanity!
The super bowl was postponed in 2002 because the season lost a week after 9/11.
The NFL had to pay - if memory serves - a car dealer's association a bunch of money to switch weeks with them.
After all, they are just two corporatocracy events.
And the Oscar for the "Best Printer" goes to Ben "the Fed" Buttanke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Lrt1urYRFo
I'm over this shit. I just can't find that " liberal daRK SPOT" in my soul . Have fun Bitchez. The outcome of this giant " concocted parlor game" has Zero/Outcome on my life.
Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger.
by far the best part of the show, and worth the wait.
She was good frank. I was scanning for CNBS Asia, and caught that one. I'm a Bond fan. +1
If { He/She? has a foreign accent take a big swig}... por favor
John Travolta? Massage Master De Jour'? I love messing with these liberals. It's great!
Hey, show some respect! I'm giving the Oscars two Gold-Finger awards. Way Up!
I think Frank was right. I like the Bond Films. I think you're right. I wouldn't waste my gold on this shit though.
It was a figure of speech, as in "to give a finger". And a reference to "two thumbs way up" ;-)
Meryl Streep most nominations and Peter O'Toole never winning.
Shallow dumbshits.
This was the most "elloquent" - " magnanimous"- display of {American ingenuity} ever displayed...
The youth of America are being tought her history via "2 hour" video cliff notes. Even the English teach History proper!
I'm not watching it. Haven't seen either Lincoln or Zero Dark 30. Saw Argo. Mildly entertaining.
I've noticed that in the past, whenever the US Government was about to go to war, or go on the offensive, a ton of these war/government/feel-good propaganda films would come out. A subliminal message to rally the sheeple to support the cause.
I believe Daniel D Lewis will win best actor and Lincoln will be best film. The votes came in directly from the whitehouse on this years Oscars. Don't believe the hype that the press-guild had anything to do with the votes.
Ironic that a figure like Lincoln who was all about preserving and honoring the Constitution will be voted in by a bunch of thieves and crooks who are all about dismantling all those same rights that Lincoln stood for.
lincoln was a piece of shit tyrant who should be dug up and shot again
Not only that, his vile corpse should be tarred, feathered, shot again, wrapped in a Stars and Bars, shot again, dumped into a toxic waste dump, shot again, covered in acid, dissolved into a putrid liquid residue, poured into the ground at Gettysburg, Bull Run, Antietam and Fredericksburg in memory of hundreds of thousands whose deaths lie directly on his head .... and shot again.
I like the way you think
Well done AKAK. Lincoln was in fact a subjctaking asshole. Lincoln was in fact "Carteresque". A Giant pussy.
come on, open up. tell us what you really feel about him.
funny how the older we get and the more cynical we get the more critical our thinking of historical events and figures become e.g. Lincoln, FDR etc.
unfortunately a smart man learns the way of the lying and pervasive jew and the scales fall from the eyes,
Hitler was 100% right about everything.
"We were not foolish enough to try to make a currency coverage of gold of which we had none, but for every mark that was issued we required the equivalent of a mark's worth of work done or goods produced. . . .we laugh at the time our national financiers held the view that the value of a currency is regulated by the gold and securities lying in the vaults of a state bank." -Adolf Hitler, 1937 (CC Veith, Citadels of Chaos, Meador, 1949.)
"And it proved sound. It worked. In less than ten years Germany became easily the most powerful state in Europe. It worked so magically and magnificently that it sounded the death knell of the entire (Zionist) Jewish money system. World Jewry knew that they had to destroy Hitler's system, by whatever means might prove necessary, or their own [system of usury] would necessarily die. And if it died, with it must die their dream and their hope of making themselves masters of the world. The primary issue over which World War II was fought was to determine which money system was to survive. At bottom it was not a war between Germany and the so-called allies. Primarily it was war to the death between Germany and the International Money Power." --William Gayley Simpson, 'Which Way Western Man' (p.642)
Funny how history is indeed written by the victors. In the scheme of things, Lincoln had far more failures than (lucky) successes. Here is a sample:
A list of Abraham Lincoln’s Failures and few successes:He'd be overqualified by todays standards.
Have to say I miss real Men and Women being in the movies, and movies having scripts, and people having balls.
A few good ones left but most are wastrels of suburbia.
Drones. ebworthen Good post.
Best Special Effects - Ben Bernanke, Federal Reserve Studio.
Best Drone Award goes to [drum-roll]...
Ho hum. The Oscars? Five years ago I turned my DirecTV dish into a birdbath.
Tonight I think I'll throw in "The International" and go to bed early.
last good movie ever made. clive is the shit-check him out in Croupier.
Thanks, I will!
I wonder how much tungsten is in those little statues, probably a bit less this year since Benny and the Jets are going to need it all for the one way trip to Germany =S
I'm going to be sick...
The First Lady introducing the Best Picture category?
How completely innappropriate! How tawdry!
What has happened to this country?
Gag, cough, choke, barf!
You're kidding right? Fuck me, you're not! I guess I was lucky I had to leave the house shortly after Ted's remarks which were fairly accurate and truthful
Respectfully ( Eff You)
No, serious, it was surreal - Michelle with her bangs and an evening gown and what looked like service members in dress uniform in the background. She was introduced by Jack Nicholson who was drunk, on drugs, or playing a character playing himself.
Leaders? Oh no, celebrities as leaders - leaders as celebrities.
The yearbook committee is in charge of the MSM and country.
Rome is burning, can you smell it?
"Rome is burning, can you smell it?"
mmmmm Bacon. :P
Seriously, IMO when you smell the smoke from that it will be too late to escape the blaze.
My middle-schooler called "Argo wins!" as soon as she saw Michelle surrounded by the military troupe. Smart kid.
Have any of you eaten those nasty "wood slugs"! They just pop in your mouth! I should have done buds. I was too busy with being a civilian gunny!
Thank God for Columbo. I watched the Swan swan episode with actor par excellence Johnny Cash accompanied by a glass of Carlo Rossi merlot and a cusano cigar. What is Oscar?