The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars

Tyler Durden's picture

From the youngest to the oldest nominee for best actress (Quvenzhane Wallis - 9 and Emmanuelle Riva - 85) to the relative money gambled on the outcomes, we thought it only appropriate to provide some education and information as this evening's self-congratulatory mutual masturbation begins. With TED scoring well in social media, hopes of an Angelina Jolie thigh-show high, and enough communal drinking-game directions to sink Seth MacFarlane, we hope this provides a little levity as the seriousness of Daniel Day-Lewis' method overwhelms.

 

The History of the Oscars...

 

 

The Oscars vs The Superbowl (from 2010)... (click image for large version)

 

And if social media was deciding (click image for visual via The UK's Daily Mirror)...

 

And finally, Esquire's always-classy drinking game...

Drinking communally is one of the great innovations of the modern world. The Oscars, and awards-shows in general, are not. Filled with pomp, circumstance, and self-importance, they are only made bearable by the moments that really remind us of what the movies are all about — nostalgia, storytelling, honoring artists you know have worked hard and haven't sold their souls. For the rest, well, we'll get through it together. Here are some Eat Like a Man-approved beverages to pair with your Best Picture nominees of choice and a few easy rules for participation.*

Drink this if you're rooting for...

Take a sip if...

  • The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
  • Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
  • You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Tom Cruise bares his teeth.
  • Tarantino smirks.
  • Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms make an appearance (one for each arm).
  • The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
  • An actress is described as "lovely."
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
  • The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
  • The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
  • Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.

Take a gulp if...

  • Angelina and Brad don't show up.
  • Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
  • Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
  • Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
  • Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
  • Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
  • The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
  • Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
  • If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
  • You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
  • The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
  • If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
  • If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
  • If Beyonce's there.
  • Someone pulls a Pesci.
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
  • Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary).

Down the whole bottle if...

  • Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni.
  • Anyone drops a statue.
  • Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
  • The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!

Down the whole bottle, break it over your head, and forget the whole thing if...

  • Les Misérables wins.
  • Life of Pi wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman sings.

*Esquire does not condone binge drinking. (Unless Benh Zeitlin wins Best Director, because at that point, why not?)

 

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Hedgetard55's picture

Don't fuck with my homeboy, prick.

nmewn's picture

lol...jdorner unchained!!!

Manic by Proxy's picture

Wilde? De  la Renta? The Grouch?

chump666's picture

Zero Dark Thirty

Rum, ginger ale, quartered limes, squeezed and dropped into high ball glass with ice.

Fine movie.

ISEEIT's picture

Really...The Oscars could be that 'watershed' moment that humanity has been waiting for. Maybe this will be that breaking event..?

Perhaps the last of us will finally be drowned in the matrix of deciet as we sit calmly and ever so stoned in front of the executioner?

Maybe huh?

The conditioning is strong...But I'm still alive so it isn't 100% effective.

Provin' it since 1965!

Cabreado's picture

Circuses are, in fact, a real thing...

 

Yen Cross's picture

 Nice work! This might be better then the elections. Off to the store I go for some party treats. ;-)

 

  It's time for Hollywood to get some good old fashion fisting from Z/H.

israhole's picture

Forget TV, I like to read:

"* If you stop and think a minute, the PEONAGE system is really what America is under, right the ef now. Instead of company tokens and wealthy Yankee Robber Barons, they now have beautifully printed pieces of paper and national debt slavery to NWO Globalist Jew bankers. Think about it a little and you’ll get what’s really behind the “culture wars” business (actually anti-White brainwashing and Marxist social manipulations)."

 

http://incogman.net/2013/02/jew-controlled-media-continues-the-white-hat...

Bill D. Cat's picture

Anne Hathaways' nips could cut glass tonite .

blindman's picture

you know you live in a declining empire when ....
all your celebrations, ceremonies, rewards and awards
are either a result of brain damage or a cause of it.
.
or .....

Pure Evil's picture

......you re-elect a brown Full Retard that spends more time on vacation and living it up with celebrities than pursuing policies that put the unemployed back to work.

otto skorzeny's picture

funny dat-the bros give him a free pass when it comes to skyrocketing bro unemployment.

knukles's picture

Now why the fuck could that be?

blindman's picture

when your first lady presents the picture of the
year oscar to the producers of the cia's production
in full and open collaboration with the hollywood
star system establishment.
Best Propaganda Film (OSCAR 2013 SPOILER! LEAKED CLIP!!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Clza1XVA0SI

robertocarlos's picture

You find yourself admiring Tom Cruise's beard.

Hedgetard55's picture

Roger Maris, all class, all the time.

ISEEIT's picture
The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars..

Oh you are actually funny. Thank you for offering me an anchor, with chain attached so as that I can justify not giving up. If I was the only 'crazy' person then cowardice would be my lover instead.

Larry Dallas's picture

Fuck this bullshit. I'd rather watch "How It's Made" than this self-congratulatory shit.

But I have to get through my local network anchors doing the fucking Harlem Shake first....

Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

I prefer to watch "How it's laid" a fine documentary about how I teach some young innocent girl how to stretch for the star(fish). 

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

+1 from me. My wife watched SNL last night, and I watched "How it's Made". She fell asleep, I didn't. :-)

which way western man's picture

ah yes.......yet another "jewish" awards show hosted by "jews" presenting "awards" to "jews" and philo semites for "jewish" themes, propaganda and crime cover-ups.

I'll pass.

Pseudo Anonym's picture

dont be grumpy.  it's a club.  the jews are in.  you're not.  it's that simple.

otto skorzeny's picture

I watch schindler's list and then shut it off-the last few scenes ruin an otherwise fun movie

Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

YIKES. I dunno how to vote that one. I feel it would be better if it was Weinstein's List. 

which way western man's picture

"swindler's mist"......no business like shoah business

which way western man's picture

I like to watch "roots" backwards.......it has a much happier ending that way

optimator's picture

You'll miss Steven Speilberg picking up at least one award.  He always does.

Yen Cross's picture

I could by a few bars of xag with one of those Oscar party favor bags.

IridiumRebel's picture

Please pick up a white courtesy phone....you have an urgent message.....

Yen Cross's picture

 Sorry Iridium, I literally went for a run down the hill to the Liquior Store.( takes too long to drive) Those Hollywood wankers don't rent space in my mind. I would never turn down a chance to emasculate those douches on Z/H though.

fuu's picture

Paging Freddy...

Likstane's picture

I'll fill in for him.   Don't give those f****ng Hollyweird pervs a minute of your time.  Turn off your TEE VEE.

 

robertocarlos's picture

Khan!!!! This is lame, I'm switching to women's curling.

derryb's picture

fuk hollywood, i get all the entertainment i need right out of washington.

Charles Nelson Reilly's picture

I'd rather buy martini's for and drink with MillionDollarBonus than watch these narcissistic fucks self congratulate themselves all night.

GOSPLAN HERO's picture

The Oscars - it's just a gaggle of rich socialist hypocrites and shit stains.

azengrcat's picture

Lord Teleprompter approves this message

peter4805's picture

Another Bullshit media circus for the dumbed down masses.

Vendetta's picture

just like the political system

MoneyThangs's picture

Funny how ZH forgets to mention that the stock market is a true indicator of a country and a presidents success which makes Obama is probaly the best president in the history of the US

 

How about a +1 for some Obama love up in here

Yen Cross's picture
Lay of the "korn nuts" Money Thang. "probaly" You fucking retard! How's that basement(you live in) wrapping dime bags treating you?
nmewn's picture

ROTFL!!!...a tragic comedy has been nominated?

Who are the stars, whats the name?

Pure Evil's picture

I give Obama all the love he needs, everytime I pinch a deuce while sitting on my royal porcelain throne.

And life couldn't be better with Berstank printing all the TP I could ever need!

Oldwood's picture

When graded on a very steep curve.