The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars

Tyler Durden's picture


From the youngest to the oldest nominee for best actress (Quvenzhane Wallis - 9 and Emmanuelle Riva - 85) to the relative money gambled on the outcomes, we thought it only appropriate to provide some education and information as this evening's self-congratulatory mutual masturbation begins. With TED scoring well in social media, hopes of an Angelina Jolie thigh-show high, and enough communal drinking-game directions to sink Seth MacFarlane, we hope this provides a little levity as the seriousness of Daniel Day-Lewis' method overwhelms.


The History of the Oscars...



The Oscars vs The Superbowl (from 2010)... (click image for large version)


And if social media was deciding (click image for visual via The UK's Daily Mirror)...


And finally, Esquire's always-classy drinking game...

Drinking communally is one of the great innovations of the modern world. The Oscars, and awards-shows in general, are not. Filled with pomp, circumstance, and self-importance, they are only made bearable by the moments that really remind us of what the movies are all about — nostalgia, storytelling, honoring artists you know have worked hard and haven't sold their souls. For the rest, well, we'll get through it together. Here are some Eat Like a Man-approved beverages to pair with your Best Picture nominees of choice and a few easy rules for participation.*

Drink this if you're rooting for...

Take a sip if...

  • The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
  • Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
  • You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Tom Cruise bares his teeth.
  • Tarantino smirks.
  • Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms make an appearance (one for each arm).
  • The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
  • An actress is described as "lovely."
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
  • The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
  • The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
  • Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.

Take a gulp if...

  • Angelina and Brad don't show up.
  • Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
  • Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
  • Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
  • Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
  • Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
  • The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
  • Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
  • If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
  • You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
  • The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
  • If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
  • If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
  • If Beyonce's there.
  • Someone pulls a Pesci.
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
  • Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary).

Down the whole bottle if...

  • Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni.
  • Anyone drops a statue.
  • Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
  • The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!

Down the whole bottle, break it over your head, and forget the whole thing if...

  • Les Misérables wins.
  • Life of Pi wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman sings.

*Esquire does not condone binge drinking. (Unless Benh Zeitlin wins Best Director, because at that point, why not?)

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Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:21 | 3272712 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Don't fuck with my homeboy, prick.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:23 | 3272720 nmewn
nmewn's picture

He was jdoking ;-)

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:22 | 3272716 nmewn
nmewn's picture

lol...jdorner unchained!!!

Mon, 02/25/2013 - 04:27 | 3273384 Manic by Proxy
Manic by Proxy's picture

Wilde? De  la Renta? The Grouch?

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:11 | 3272679 chump666
chump666's picture

Zero Dark Thirty

Rum, ginger ale, quartered limes, squeezed and dropped into high ball glass with ice.

Fine movie.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:12 | 3272685 ISEEIT
ISEEIT's picture

Really...The Oscars could be that 'watershed' moment that humanity has been waiting for. Maybe this will be that breaking event..?

Perhaps the last of us will finally be drowned in the matrix of deciet as we sit calmly and ever so stoned in front of the executioner?

Maybe huh?

The conditioning is strong...But I'm still alive so it isn't 100% effective.

Provin' it since 1965!

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:14 | 3272689 Cabreado
Cabreado's picture

Circuses are, in fact, a real thing...


Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:19 | 3272695 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Nice work! This might be better then the elections. Off to the store I go for some party treats. ;-)


  It's time for Hollywood to get some good old fashion fisting from Z/H.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:17 | 3272704 israhole
israhole's picture

Forget TV, I like to read:

"* If you stop and think a minute, the PEONAGE system is really what America is under, right the ef now. Instead of company tokens and wealthy Yankee Robber Barons, they now have beautifully printed pieces of paper and national debt slavery to NWO Globalist Jew bankers. Think about it a little and you’ll get what’s really behind the “culture wars” business (actually anti-White brainwashing and Marxist social manipulations)."

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:19 | 3272708 Bill D. Cat
Bill D. Cat's picture

Anne Hathaways' nips could cut glass tonite .

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:10 | 3272814 Boondocker
Boondocker's picture


Mon, 02/25/2013 - 10:07 | 3273686 djcando
djcando's picture



Tue, 02/26/2013 - 06:46 | 3276887 e-recep
e-recep's picture

shame about the face though.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:20 | 3272711 blindman
blindman's picture

you know you live in a declining empire when ....
all your celebrations, ceremonies, rewards and awards
are either a result of brain damage or a cause of it.
or .....

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:18 | 3272832 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture re-elect a brown Full Retard that spends more time on vacation and living it up with celebrities than pursuing policies that put the unemployed back to work.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 23:53 | 3273022 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

funny dat-the bros give him a free pass when it comes to skyrocketing bro unemployment.

Mon, 02/25/2013 - 00:08 | 3273055 knukles
knukles's picture

Now why the fuck could that be?

Mon, 02/25/2013 - 01:29 | 3273230 blindman
blindman's picture

when your first lady presents the picture of the
year oscar to the producers of the cia's production
in full and open collaboration with the hollywood
star system establishment.
Best Propaganda Film (OSCAR 2013 SPOILER! LEAKED CLIP!!)

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:21 | 3272713 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

You find yourself admiring Tom Cruise's beard.

Mon, 02/25/2013 - 15:56 | 3274765 Jena
Jena's picture

Who was he?

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:21 | 3272715 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Roger Maris, all class, all the time.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:25 | 3272725 ISEEIT
ISEEIT's picture
The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars..

Oh you are actually funny. Thank you for offering me an anchor, with chain attached so as that I can justify not giving up. If I was the only 'crazy' person then cowardice would be my lover instead.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:26 | 3272726 Larry Dallas
Larry Dallas's picture

Fuck this bullshit. I'd rather watch "How It's Made" than this self-congratulatory shit.

But I have to get through my local network anchors doing the fucking Harlem Shake first....

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:36 | 3272874 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

I prefer to watch "How it's laid" a fine documentary about how I teach some young innocent girl how to stretch for the star(fish). 

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:42 | 3272883 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

+1 from me. My wife watched SNL last night, and I watched "How it's Made". She fell asleep, I didn't. :-)

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:29 | 3272732 which way weste...
which way western man's picture

ah yes.......yet another "jewish" awards show hosted by "jews" presenting "awards" to "jews" and philo semites for "jewish" themes, propaganda and crime cover-ups.

I'll pass.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:59 | 3272794 Pseudo Anonym
Pseudo Anonym's picture

dont be grumpy.  it's a club.  the jews are in.  you're not.  it's that simple.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:15 | 3272828 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I watch schindler's list and then shut it off-the last few scenes ruin an otherwise fun movie

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:37 | 3272879 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

YIKES. I dunno how to vote that one. I feel it would be better if it was Weinstein's List. 

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:38 | 3272881 which way weste...
which way western man's picture

"swindler's mist" business like shoah business

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:57 | 3272913 which way weste...
which way western man's picture

I like to watch "roots" has a much happier ending that way

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:19 | 3272834 optimator
optimator's picture

You'll miss Steven Speilberg picking up at least one award.  He always does.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:30 | 3272736 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

I could by a few bars of xag with one of those Oscar party favor bags.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:33 | 3272741 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Please pick up a white courtesy have an urgent message.....

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:02 | 3272803 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Sorry Iridium, I literally went for a run down the hill to the Liquior Store.( takes too long to drive) Those Hollywood wankers don't rent space in my mind. I would never turn down a chance to emasculate those douches on Z/H though.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:31 | 3272738 fuu
fuu's picture

Paging Freddy...

Mon, 02/25/2013 - 02:14 | 3273282 Likstane
Likstane's picture

I'll fill in for him.   Don't give those f****ng Hollyweird pervs a minute of your time.  Turn off your TEE VEE.


Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:37 | 3272745 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

Khan!!!! This is lame, I'm switching to women's curling.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:42 | 3272752 derryb
derryb's picture

fuk hollywood, i get all the entertainment i need right out of washington.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:42 | 3272756 Charles Nelson ...
Charles Nelson Reilly's picture

I'd rather buy martini's for and drink with MillionDollarBonus than watch these narcissistic fucks self congratulate themselves all night.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:48 | 3272764 GOSPLAN HERO
GOSPLAN HERO's picture

The Oscars - it's just a gaggle of rich socialist hypocrites and shit stains.

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:46 | 3272766 azengrcat
azengrcat's picture

Lord Teleprompter approves this message

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:49 | 3272771 peter4805
peter4805's picture

Another Bullshit media circus for the dumbed down masses.

Mon, 02/25/2013 - 01:48 | 3273254 Vendetta
Vendetta's picture

just like the political system

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:56 | 3272776 MoneyThangs
MoneyThangs's picture

Funny how ZH forgets to mention that the stock market is a true indicator of a country and a presidents success which makes Obama is probaly the best president in the history of the US


How about a +1 for some Obama love up in here

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:57 | 3272788 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture
Lay of the "korn nuts" Money Thang. "probaly" You fucking retard! How's that basement(you live in) wrapping dime bags treating you?
Sun, 02/24/2013 - 21:58 | 3272791 nmewn
nmewn's picture

ROTFL!!!...a tragic comedy has been nominated?

Who are the stars, whats the name?

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:27 | 3272853 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

I give Obama all the love he needs, everytime I pinch a deuce while sitting on my royal porcelain throne.

And life couldn't be better with Berstank printing all the TP I could ever need!

Sun, 02/24/2013 - 22:00 | 3272799 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

When graded on a very steep curve.

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