The Thinking, Drinking, And Tweeting Man's Guide To The Oscars

Tyler Durden's picture

From the youngest to the oldest nominee for best actress (Quvenzhane Wallis - 9 and Emmanuelle Riva - 85) to the relative money gambled on the outcomes, we thought it only appropriate to provide some education and information as this evening's self-congratulatory mutual masturbation begins. With TED scoring well in social media, hopes of an Angelina Jolie thigh-show high, and enough communal drinking-game directions to sink Seth MacFarlane, we hope this provides a little levity as the seriousness of Daniel Day-Lewis' method overwhelms.


The History of the Oscars...



The Oscars vs The Superbowl (from 2010)... (click image for large version)


And if social media was deciding (click image for visual via The UK's Daily Mirror)...


And finally, Esquire's always-classy drinking game...

Drinking communally is one of the great innovations of the modern world. The Oscars, and awards-shows in general, are not. Filled with pomp, circumstance, and self-importance, they are only made bearable by the moments that really remind us of what the movies are all about — nostalgia, storytelling, honoring artists you know have worked hard and haven't sold their souls. For the rest, well, we'll get through it together. Here are some Eat Like a Man-approved beverages to pair with your Best Picture nominees of choice and a few easy rules for participation.*

Drink this if you're rooting for...

Take a sip if...

  • The camera cuts to someone Seth MacFarlane just insulted.
  • Daniel Day-Lewis speaks.
  • You find yourself admiring Ben Affleck's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Dustin Hoffman's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Joaquin Phoenix's beard.
  • You find yourself admiring Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Tom Cruise bares his teeth.
  • Tarantino smirks.
  • Kathryn Bigelow's lithe arms make an appearance (one for each arm).
  • The sound and visual-effect awards go by and you fail to notice
  • An actress is described as "lovely."
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or below the Best Supporting Actor/Actress level.
  • The camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking beatific.
  • The camera catches Steven Spielberg looking smarmy.
  • Angelina Jolie is snuggling Brad Pitt.

Take a gulp if...

  • Angelina and Brad don't show up.
  • Any reference is made to Ar-Go-Fk-Yourself.
  • Tom Cruise had something better to do that night.
  • Jennifer Lawrence gets on stage.
  • Adele totally owns "Skyfall."
  • Norah Jones totally owns that Ted song.
  • The "Celebration of Musicals" presentation sucks.
  • Seth MacFarlane does a Stewie impression.
  • If Joaquin Phoenix shows up without a beard.
  • You haven't seen any of the foreign nominees.
  • The words "stiff competition" are used when they pan across the nominees for Best Supporting Actor (De Niro…Jones…Arkin…).
  • If the presenter can't pronounce Quvenzhané.
  • If Day-Lewis shows up wearing anything remotely reminiscent of Abe Lincoln.
  • If Beyonce's there.
  • Someone pulls a Pesci.
  • They start playing the "time's up" music on any winner at or above the Best Actor/Actress level.
  • Someone thanks Harvey Weinstein (multiple gulps if necessary).

Down the whole bottle if...

  • Michael Haneke pulls a Roberto Benigni.
  • Anyone drops a statue.
  • Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress.
  • The Master doesn't win anything, because, come on — Amy Adams!

Down the whole bottle, break it over your head, and forget the whole thing if...

  • Les Misérables wins.
  • Life of Pi wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman wins.
  • If Hugh Jackman sings.

*Esquire does not condone binge drinking. (Unless Benh Zeitlin wins Best Director, because at that point, why not?)


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Manic by Proxy's picture

I be hearing' Obama spent some quality time with "Big Cushion" Mooshelle and get'n the stank back on his hang down.

q99x2's picture

I don't watch TV so I had no motivation to watch any of those 5 movies. I can't believe it I did not watch a single one of them. I'm not interested in what other people are doing. Lordy lordy I'm becoming an indibidual.

Oh no I'm not that's right I watched Resident Evil 3D at the theater. It was not one of the better REs but the 3D made it fun.

Watched naked Angelina Jolie kill all the heros in Beowulf last week. It was not much of a story to begin with but they followed a lot of the cotton vitellius A xv.

Maybe its Hollywood's new method of copyright protection. Make them so bad that no one will want to steal them.

Yen Cross's picture

 This is rich. (Robert wake up in the wrong house Jr.)and Samuel ass clown Jackson giving awards for humanity!

toys for tits's picture

The super bowl was postponed in 2002 because the season lost a week after 9/11.

The NFL had to pay - if memory serves - a car dealer's association a bunch of money to switch weeks with them.

reader2010's picture

After all, they are just two corporatocracy events.

tnquake's picture

And the Oscar for the "Best Printer" goes to Ben "the Fed" Buttanke

Yen Cross's picture

 I'm over this shit. I just can't find that " liberal daRK SPOT" in my soul . Have fun Bitchez. The outcome of this giant " concocted parlor game" has Zero/Outcome on my life.

Frank N. Beans's picture

Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger.


by far the best part of the show, and worth the wait.


Yen Cross's picture

  She was good frank. I was scanning for CNBS Asia, and caught that one. I'm a Bond fan. +1

  If { He/She? has a foreign accent take a big swig}... por favor

    John Travolta? Massage Master De Jour'?  I love messing with these liberals. It's great!

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Hey, show some respect!  I'm giving the Oscars two Gold-Finger awards.  Way Up!

Yen Cross's picture

 I think Frank was right. I like the Bond Films. I think you're right. I wouldn't waste my gold on this shit though.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

It was a figure of speech, as in "to give a finger".   And a reference to "two thumbs way up" ;-)


ebworthen's picture

Meryl Streep most nominations and Peter O'Toole never winning.

Shallow dumbshits.

Yen Cross's picture

 This was the most "elloquent" - " magnanimous"- display of {American ingenuity} ever displayed... 

  The youth of America are being tought her history via "2 hour" video cliff notes. Even the English teach History proper!

Northern Lights's picture

I'm not watching it.  Haven't seen either Lincoln or Zero Dark 30. Saw Argo.  Mildly entertaining.

I've noticed that in the past, whenever the US Government was about to go to war, or go on the offensive, a ton of these war/government/feel-good propaganda films would come out.  A subliminal message to rally the sheeple to support the cause.

I believe Daniel D Lewis will win best actor and Lincoln will be best film.  The votes came in directly from the whitehouse on this years Oscars.  Don't believe the hype that the press-guild had anything to do with the votes.

Ironic that a figure like Lincoln who was all about preserving and honoring the Constitution will be voted in by a bunch of thieves and crooks who are all about dismantling all those same rights that Lincoln stood for.


which way western man's picture

lincoln was a piece of shit tyrant who should be dug up and shot again

akak's picture

Not only that, his vile corpse should be tarred, feathered, shot again, wrapped in a Stars and Bars, shot again, dumped into a toxic waste dump, shot again, covered in acid, dissolved into a putrid liquid residue, poured into the ground at Gettysburg, Bull Run, Antietam and Fredericksburg in memory of hundreds of thousands whose deaths lie directly on his head .... and shot again.

Yen Cross's picture

 Well done AKAK. Lincoln was in fact a subjctaking asshole. Lincoln was in fact "Carteresque". A Giant pussy.

e-recep's picture

come on, open up. tell us what you really feel about him.

otto skorzeny's picture

funny how the older we get and the more cynical we get the more critical our thinking of historical events and figures become e.g. Lincoln, FDR etc.

which way western man's picture

unfortunately a smart man learns the way of the lying and pervasive jew and the scales fall from the eyes,

Hitler was 100% right about everything.

"We were not foolish enough to try to make a currency coverage of gold of which we had none, but for every mark that was issued we required the equivalent of a mark's worth of work done or goods produced. . . .we laugh at the time our national financiers held the view that the value of a currency is regulated by the gold and securities lying in the vaults of a state bank." -Adolf Hitler, 1937 (CC Veith, Citadels of Chaos, Meador, 1949.)

"And it proved sound. It worked. In less than ten years Germany became easily the most powerful state in Europe. It worked so magically and magnificently that it sounded the death knell of the entire (Zionist) Jewish money system. World Jewry knew that they had to destroy Hitler's system, by whatever means might prove necessary, or their own [system of usury] would necessarily die. And if it died, with it must die their dream and their hope of making themselves masters of the world. The primary issue over which World War II was fought was to determine which money system was to survive. At bottom it was not a war between Germany and the so-called allies. Primarily it was war to the death between Germany and the International Money Power." --William Gayley Simpson, 'Which Way Western Man' (p.642)

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Funny how history is indeed written by the victors.  In the scheme of things, Lincoln had far more failures than (lucky) successes.  Here is a sample:

A list of Abraham Lincoln’s Failures and few successes:
  • 1831 - Lost his job
  • 1832 - Defeated in run for Illinois State Legislature
  • 1833 - Failed in business
  • 1834 - Elected to Illinois State Legislature (success)
  • 1835 - Sweetheart died
  • 1836 - Had nervous breakdown
  • 1838 - Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker
  • 1843 - Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress
  • 1846 - Elected to Congress (success)
  • 1848 - Lost re-nomination
  • 1849 - Rejected for land officer position
  • 1854 - Defeated in run for U.S. Senate
  • 1856 - Defeated in run for nomination for Vice President
  • 1858 - Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate
  • 1860 - Elected President (success)
  • Closet gay.  Lived with a man and shared a bed wit him.  Research it.
nmewn's picture

He'd be overqualified by todays standards.

ebworthen's picture

Have to say I miss real Men and Women being in the movies, and movies having scripts, and people having balls.

A few good ones left but most are wastrels of suburbia.

tom a taxpayer's picture

Best Special Effects - Ben Bernanke, Federal Reserve Studio.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Best Drone Award goes to [drum-roll]...

Intoxicologist's picture

Ho hum.  The Oscars?  Five years ago I turned my DirecTV dish into a birdbath.

Tonight I think I'll throw in "The International" and go to bed early.

otto skorzeny's picture

last good movie ever made. clive is the shit-check him out in Croupier.

awakening's picture

I wonder how much tungsten is in those little statues, probably a bit less this year since Benny and the Jets are going to need it all for the one way trip to Germany =S

ebworthen's picture

I'm going to be sick...

The First Lady introducing the Best Picture category?

How completely innappropriate!  How tawdry!

What has happened to this country? 

Gag, cough, choke, barf!

Vendetta's picture

You're kidding right?  Fuck me, you're not! I guess I was lucky I had to leave the house shortly after Ted's remarks which were fairly accurate and truthful

Yen Cross's picture

Respectfully ( Eff You)

ebworthen's picture

No, serious, it was surreal - Michelle with her bangs and an evening gown and what looked like service members in dress uniform in the background.  She was introduced by Jack Nicholson who was drunk, on drugs, or playing a character playing himself.

Leaders?  Oh no, celebrities as leaders - leaders as celebrities.

The yearbook committee is in charge of the MSM and country.

Rome is burning, can you smell it?

awakening's picture

"Rome is burning, can you smell it?"

mmmmm Bacon. :P

Seriously, IMO when you smell the smoke from that it will be too late to escape the blaze.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

My middle-schooler called "Argo wins!" as soon as she saw Michelle surrounded by the military troupe.  Smart kid.

Yen Cross's picture

 Have any of you eaten those nasty "wood slugs"! They just pop in your mouth! I should have done buds. I was too busy with being a civilian gunny!

CaptainSpaulding's picture

Thank God for Columbo. I watched the Swan swan episode with actor par excellence Johnny Cash accompanied by a glass of Carlo Rossi merlot and a cusano cigar. What is Oscar?