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Two Cows: The Infographic
There are many complexities in the socio-economic structures that the nations (and corporations) of the world have used (and abused) over the years. Volumes have been written to explain the intricacies of Capitalism, Fascism, Communism, and Socialism; and how these impact various corporations from Iran to Greece to Australia. However, in the interest of brevity, the following infographic - utilizing nothing more than two cows (which perhaps should now be horses, considering their inflationary displacement capacity for firms like IKEA and Nestle) to provide everything you need to know about ecomoomic s.
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You have two cows. The feds find out you sold some raw milk to a neighbor. A swat team comes in the middle of the night to arrest you and your wife. All your assets are seized. Your children go to foster homes.
Corporation X: you tell everybody you have lots of cows, when in fact you leased them to the banks, who sold them to the Chinese, who ate them... now you need your cows back becauqe the Germans are getting hungry
What about a German corporation which has two cows?
They store them in London or NYC, and have a 7 year waiting period if they want them back.
Venezualan cows were already sent home form NY.
I shit you not...
Denmark - Farmer got huge fine: pigs' toys were wrong
"As one of the world's leading countries in pig farming, Denmark has very strict rules for pig welfare.
Among other things, the pigs have quite specific and approved toys to play with.
But the pigs at farmer Peter Kjaer Knudsen has for years played with the 'wrong' toys, and it has now cost him 644,000 Dkr. (110,000 dollars) in fines.
Peter Kjaer Knudsen put pig toys, which are some sticks of wood, down on the floor so the animals can play with them.
But that is agains the law - they must never touch the floor, never get dirty in pig shit
It's pig's natural that the first thing that will happen when it's going down on the floor, it will push it down into the shit, says the farmer.
Peter Kjaer Knudsen was ordered to remove the pig's toys. At the same time he had to pay a fine.
The Food & Drug Administration said Monday that it simply follows the EU directives on employment materials for pigs.
(use google tranny if you wanna follow the link)
http://nyhederne.tv2.dk/article.php/id-65043159:landmand-fik-kæmpebøde-grisenes-legetøj-var-forkert.html
Here in America, pigs' toys are things like armored SWAT tanks and such.
In the state that brought the butterfly ballot to national prominence, pigs are constitutionally protected. http://www.islandlawblog.com/pigs-protected-by-florida-constitution/
What did you expect from the state that sends Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to DC?
So wrong on the first two.
What the infographic calls Socialsm is actually Charity, and what the infographic calls Communism is actually Socialsm.
You have a herd of cows in the valley. A young bull and old bull on the hill see the cows and the young bull excitedly says to his elder "Let's run down there and "romance" one of them cows". The old bull calmly replies, "Let's walk down there and "romance" them all".
Human corollary :
You have in the burbs a "middle" ground, fully exposed. Two one percenters on the hill see those in the middle and the young one excitedly says to his elder "Let's run down there and screw one of them". The elder calmly replies, "Let's walk down there and screw them all".
TSA Cows:
You have two cows wearing American Flag hats waiting in line at the airport. One goes through the naked body scanner without any trouble, so you steal his iPad. The other refuses to go through the naked body scanner, so you lead her to a back room to fondle her udders and confiscate her milk to check it for explosives. You wave the cow wearing the keffiyeh through the security checkpoint unmolested.
The economic models that are opposed to free enterprise have one thing in common; they use the value that producers create in order to make their system pay off.
In short, the fiat currency system is based on usury. It is a complete predatory system whereby the fuel to make the fiat currency engine run is stolen value taken by leeches. And speaking of predatory, an article this week links the big banks such as JP Morgan Chase, Bank of America, and Wells Fargo with the highly unethical payday loan exploitations exceeding 500%.
Major Banks Aid in Payday Loans Banned by States by Jessica Silver Greenberg | NY Times
Major banks have quickly become behind-the-scenes allies of Internet-based payday lenders that offer short-term loans with interest rates sometimes exceeding 500 percent.
With 15 states banning payday loans, a growing number of the lenders have set up online operations in more hospitable states or far-flung locales like Belize, Malta and the West Indies to more easily evade statewide caps on interest rates.
While the banks, which include giants like JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America and Wells Fargo, do not make the loans, they are a critical link for the lenders, enabling the lenders to withdraw payments automatically from borrowers’ bank accounts, even in states where the loans are banned entirely. In some cases, the banks allow lenders to tap checking accounts even after the customers have begged them to stop the withdrawals.
“Without the assistance of the banks in processing and sending electronic funds, these lenders simply couldn’t operate,” said Josh Zinner, co-director of the Neighborhood Economic Development Advocacy Project, which works with community groups in New York. …
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/business/major-banks-aid-in-payday-loans-banned-by-states.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0&pagewanted=print
"The economic models that are opposed to free enterprise have one thing in common; they use the value that producers create in order to make their system pay off."
Brilliant. And so true.
jamie dimon just took a pay cut, apparently. he's going to double down on brutallity to others now.
Canada:
You have two cows ... oh never mind its really boring
Ok, I think Jim Carrey's or Mike Meyers' careers are safe.
Quebec farmer has cows, with milk and meat prices subsidized by PQ government. One winter day... farmer Vache buys old horses from horse sellers pulling up into glue factory driveway. Pays cash. He turns the nags into 'burger and sells them to fast-food chains (Wendy's: "Where's the beef?"). Escapes the -50 weather in Feb. in La Belle Province, spends the profits on a vacation in Ft. Lauderdale, and tells Anglo jokes in his Speedo's. Everyone laughs. Some with him.
And if you have two horses you grind both of them up and walk to the beef market.
The definition of socialism is COMPLETELY incorrect.
You have:
Socialism: You have two cows.
You give one to your neighbor
Correct Alternative #1:
Socialism: You have two cows.
The government takes one against your will and gives it to your neighbor
Correct Alternative #2:
Charity: You have two cows.
You decide to give one to your neighbor
I'd really like to see the updated infographic - nice job overall!
http://0o0o0o0o0o0o.aracari.warpmail.net/Images/two-cows.jpg
the japanese system. you have two cows. they don't eat cows but they tell westerners that the cows are special cows that taste the best in the world so they are worth ten times more than plain cows(besides, someone has to pay for their beer tab) because there are only two of them and must be rationed. the money is put in a savings account which is looted by the banks to support their sake habits and harvest cows of the sea(tuna) which taste much better. the cows are eventually eaten and japan sinks into the ocean to join the tuna.
Or
Japanese:
You have 2 cows. You eat the spine, hooves, tongue, and snout and throw the rest away.
A Belgium company:
You have to cows.
You analyze their DNA and clone them.
Now you have a million cows. you sell them to the Americans because the meat shows they have mutant genes... you can't sell it in Europe but the Americans don't care.
A German company:
You have 2 cows. you fuck both of them and call your new kids Hans and Merkel.
A African company:
You have 2 cows. You kill them and let the meat rot. Than you have 20 kids because food is scarce....
I didn't know you could milk a bull? :)
Goldman Sachs cows: you tell your clients that your two cows will double in value and you get them to invest in the cows. You then go back and short them.
This is the best so far!! +100
Academia-ism:
You get a large government grant to insert DNA from one species into another. Your grant prevents you from using human stem cells, so you default to cow DNA. 6 days later, your test tube contains two cow zygotes. You implant your experiment in 2 donor cows, and a few months later, out pops your cows. Monsanto serves your department with a patent infringement lawsuit that drags on for 11 years because of a Round-Up Ready gene that was transfered from your donor cows to your calfs. Meanwhile, you accumulate $184,591 in student debt and work 6 days a week at Starbucks for a transgender boss who talks incessantly about the poor wardrobe choices on Dancing with the Stars.
mooooooooooooooo
long silver cows...
CRONY-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one from you and calls it a tax. The Government then gives the cow to a multi-national corporation and calls it an incentive.
colnel mandell house cows (moo at this, so cow with me):
create the mirror opposite of the underlying cow, instead of yielding milk the citizenship pay the cow administrators milk interest and the citizenship don't get to own the actual cow and therefore can never come up with the milk interest owed unless they borrow more of the mirror opposite thingy.
issue to the citizenship bills of lading (berth certificates) and port passes (passports) so that you can administrate their consumption of porterhouse steaks during the great harvest.
tell them they are all free but through licensure and permission execute a full media press on their rights over time. have your successors hire shills to ensure the mirror opposite thingy becomes the only means of economic exchange. blast the cizitizenships with confusion and death and false flags so they don't follow the real rabit down the real rabit hole. demand that the westphalia treaty is all bollux and fool the cow worshipers into government without representation. enter stage left: united moo nations.
create false splinter groups to administer the concept of bringing back the real cows. create mass deflation - let out all the methane - and buy buy buy buy.
I think ZH'ers have quite outdone themselves today. Who knew that two cows could provide so much entertainment? After a down day i've been laughing my ass of at the creativity of comments. Doubleplusgood!
Totally agree - some ZHers have quite a sense of humor and lots of imagination - I loved the "A ZHer: you had two cows but they fell out of your canoe while transporting them to the other side of the lake" by SpaceMoose on page 1 - bravo SpaceMoose
Norwegian Cows: you hire 2 Turks to milk and clean up after them....
the very best zh all month!!
Bachelorism: Two cows? Dude, why buy them when you can get the milk for free?
Slaughter one, mortgage the other and stamp the cow patties with one trillion
GLD/SLV Funds
You have a piece of paper stating you own two cows. The cows are held for you along with millions of other peoples cows in a secure/secret field. One day there is a beef shortage and you go to retrieve your cows to find the field contains nothing but fucking grass.
Romanian Corporation .... you have two cows .... as window dressing .... for your lucrative horsemeat business !
Soviet Corporation
You have two cows. They milk you.
MF Global
You had 2 cows.
Cows which you rehypothecated (although you didn't remember this in a Congressional testimony).
Haha!
A cow tale in 2 Acts:
ACT 1: San Jose cow farmer inherits family farm, but can't afford estate and property taxes. Farmer sells farm to Harvard-MBA, and retires. Dies 3 yrs later, his kids squander the money.
ACT 2: The MBA flips the farm to his cousin, who's a Developer. Developer builds an office complex and it sells to a Silicon Valley company. Makes a fortune. Development financed by another cousin, who's a VC. VC's daughter sells cow add to a fast-food chicken chain (with "Eat mor' chikin" motto), and makes a killing. His son starts a tech company, calls it Two Cows, and makes a bundle. Another distant relative leverages the cows for his cartoon-movie. The life-cycle of a CA cow does not end until there is Building & Rent, HW, SW, Ads and movies are being monetized.
You 9gag bro?
Brooklyn Corporation: Has anyone here ever seen a real cow?
Anyone from South Dakota seen an elevator?
Grain elevators. You're welcome.
German capitalism,
You have two cows. You discover soya milk and patent it.
You loan your two cows to your Southern neighbours at high interest rates, then you pass new taxes on cows milk.
You use the returns to build a soya milk factory.
MF Global
You paid for delivery of two cows. The cows were kept in a segregated field prior to delivery. During a routine check the cows are found to have been mixed with cows in the next field which have been sold to pay off the corrupt and incompetent farmers bad gambling debts. By coincidence JP Morgan are found to have taken delivery of a shit load of cows they didn't pay for. After much confusion you are told by a judge your ownership of the cows was all in your imagination and the farmer is awarded a nice shiny medal for being the victim in the whole misunderstanding. The judge receives 20 cows from an annonimous benefactor to aid his next election campaign.
Are you saying the cows were sequestered?
Brazil: You have two cows. You destroy half of the Amazon rainforest, breed them, and now you have 1,000,000,000,000 cows for McDonalds.
The cows get hungry.
You destroy the other half of the rainforest, plant soybeans, feed the beans to them, breed them more, and now you have 10,000,000,000,000 cows for McDonalds.
Every other nation with rainforests do the same as Brazil, soon the Earth no longer has any oxygen in the atmosphere, so all the cows die.
Alternate scenario: All that occurs. Plankton increases 1,000,000,000x. We all eat Plankton Burgers.
Alien Corporation
You dont have any cows on Planet Xylon.
You send space ships to earth to bring back the reproductive organs of human cows.
But the aliens piloting the spacecraft get hungry and prepare Rocky Mountain oysters.
Planet Xylon keeps sending more spacecraft but the testicles keep getting eaten.
Telling that story took balls.
Reminds me of the broker joke.
Broker tells his client about an investment he wants client to make in an oilfield company. The client is interested, so they make a site visit. They stop at the edge of the property and view the oilfield.
Just then a cow walks in front of them. The broker drops his pants and screws the cow. When he finishes, he looks at the client and says "Your turn".
The client drops his pants, bends over...
Corporatism:
You have two cows. One is in your ranch, and the other is in an outsourced ranch where the cows are cheaper (yet malnourished). You have the biggest farm in all of the land, thanks to inheriting it from your dad. You eat the one in your ranch, and buy another one in the outsourced land, and say you have two full cows to sell to investors. When when they buy and go to collect, they find out that the cows are actually horses. They then butcher them, sell them as meat, and go public with an IPO. With those IPO profits, they buy journalists (to keep quiet) and government officials (to protect them). When the jig is up, their stock price crashes. They don't go to jail and the government just bails them out anyways, who then raises taxes on the rest of the actual cow farmers, to pay for the losses.
This is top of the line Zero Hedge if there was, now back to my hamburger.
FDA: You have two cows which unfortunately give raw milk. Armed FDA agents raid your farm, throw you in jail and send the cows to live in foster homes where they are abused, become psychopaths and eventually get degrees in economics from Harvard and Yale.
And Ron Paul (rightfully) throws a hissy fit.
Delusionism
http://www.thereformedbroker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/illusion-of-choice.jpg
You have two fucking lazy cows.
One's your fucking government the other's the fucking world government. They milk you until your dry then eat you.
Kansas Corporation:
You have two cows....
One cow you tip over....the other cow you milk and then fuck it. You get bored and start huffing paint. Your teeth rot. You die.
United Nations, kill both, have a BBQ for friends and family while lecturing everyone on responsibility and sacrifice.
MSM has 2 cows, both starve to death after being chronically lied to about food coming.
You are an American Senior Citizen and you have two cows. You worked your whole life to accure the two cows. One cow is in the 401K pasture for future support. The other is the social secirity/medicare pasture. The government needs cows (money) and confiscates all the cows in the 401K pastures. At the same time, the government reduces your entitlements and takes your cow in the social security/medicare pasture. The government gives you food stamps so you are dependent on them to survive. Congratulations, you have shared your wealth and now you have nothing. All your hard work is gone. Welcome to the USSA.
Dictatorship
You had two cows. Your family is executed.
You've inspired me:
War on Turror "Suspected Militant"
You had two cows. Your family and cows are drone executed.
You omitted the Canadian Corporation. The Canadian Corporation starts with two brown cows but is forced by legislation to paint one green while buying carbon credits for the flatulent other animal. PETA then sues the corporation on the basis either that it is not fair to paint one animal green and not the other or it is not fair to paint the one cow green in the first place. The Human Rights Commission of the province in which the Corporation is headquartered sues the Corporation for violating the green animal's right not to be painted and the brown animal's right to be painted, deeming it a hate crime. The Commission pays for the lawyers representing the cows. The local Indian band blockades the corporate offices as the cows are being pastured on traditional grazing lands. The Corporation gets an injunction from the courts to remove the protesters. The provincial police then debate amongst themselves the best approach to ending the blockade but join the Indians in a gesture of good faith. Eventually the Indians get bored and go to blockade some other situation whereupon the police congratulate themselves for having peacefully defused the situation and upheld the law. The UN in the meantime issues a 599 page report on Canadian abuse of animals and the General Assembly labels Canada a hater of cows. The Corporation finally gifts the cows to the David Suzuki Foundation after it is found that David likes hamburgers.
Forgot to add that existing farmers must give some milk to new farmers entering the market for free. (for real in BC)
Holy COWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWa Save me save me save me