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Guest Post: Is There Oil In 'Kryzakhstan'? Ask John Kerry

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Jen Alic of OilPrice.com,

It wasn’t exactly a propitious start for new US Secretary of State John Kerry on his first foreign trip when he referred to “Kyrzakhstan”, where US diplomats are ostensibly working to secure “democratic institutions”.

Getting all those Central Asian “stans” right can be confusing—even more so when things get muddled in the “Great Game”. And it’s no easy thing following in the footsteps of Hillary Clinton.

Later—after the State Department took the liberty of omitting the mention of “Kyrzakhstan” from the official transcript—it became clear that Kerry was actually referring to Kyrgyzstan (not Kazakhstan and indeed not Kyrzakhstan).

So let’s look at these two countries that Kerry has inadvertently combined.

Kyrgyzstan is a landlocked country of 5.5 million people which has undergone revolution and reverse revolution since 2005 and “democratic institutions” are embryonic at best. It’s extremely poor and the recipient of massive amounts of US aid, thanks to its willingness to cooperate in the global war on terror. Kyrgyzstan is important to Washington because it’s also a staging ground for a US-Russian struggle to see who can gain the most influence over Bishkek.

Kazakhstan, on the other hand, is an oil-rich nuclear power that was oddly enough the choice of venue for P5+1 talks with Iran over the latter’s (not to be confused with the former’s) nuclear program. 

Perhaps this added to Kerry’s confusion—indeed it is some heavy symbolism that had some asking why dictatorial Kazakhstan is allowed to have a nuclear program, while Iran is not. In the 1990s, this former Soviet Republic won praise for relinquishing a massive nuclear stockpile (more than a thousand strategic nuclear warheads and 370 nuclear-tipped cruise missiles) in the name of nonproliferation. Washington was hoping Tehran would recall this and take note of the message—though the message remains somewhat unclear as Iran does not have nuclear weapons. The message was further muddled by earlier suspicions that Kazakhstan may have actually been “proliferating” to Iran.

Now Kazakhstan is hoping to make some cash by becoming a “host” for nuclear reactor fuel so that countries (like Iran) wouldn’t have to enrich uranium themselves. Of course, one might also ask whether we want Kazakhstan to serve as a nuclear reactor fuel bank.

On the nuclear front, no one is quite convinced that Kazakhstan should be a nuclear power. It’s not exactly a beacon of democracy, either. Its leader Nursultan Nazarbayev can only very loosely be said to have been democratically elected, and he is continually propped up by Western governments and oil interests.

He is referred to fondly as the “Sultan of the Steppes” and is almost as colorful as the late Turkmenbashi (the revered “father” of Turkmenistan whose cult of personality was unrivaled even by the likes of North Korea’s late Kim Jong-il). While the Turkmenbashi even went as far as to change the names of the months to concepts that reflected his love for his mother, the Sultan of the Steppes creates holidays in honor of himself and sets himself up as the lead character in fairy tale plays and movies for the nation to enjoy.

He is not only tolerated but courted heavily because of the country’s oil wealth. US investors have a major stake in its Kashagan field, which has around 5.4 trillion tons of oil and 1.7 trillion tons recoverable—not to mention a handful of other major fields with oil, condensate and natural gas reserves.

In late October, the US and Kazakhstan signed a Joint Action Plan to promote cooperation in nuclear security and nuclear power, hydrocarbon resources, renewable energy, energy efficiency and electric power. Underpinning this US-Kazakh relationship are pipeline plans. The US is hoping that Kazakhstan will channel all its oil and gas exports through Turkey (as opposed to Iran). But Kazakhstan has many interests—and they include burgeoning relations with China (which is particularly gunning for the country’s uranium deposits) and efforts to ensure Russia that all is well between Moscow and Astana, too.

And then we have Kyrgyzstan, which pales by comparison and would probably benefit from being lumped together in a contrived country of “Kyrzakhstan”. It has a bit of oil and gas, and a bit of gold, but overall relies on imports to most of its energy needs. On the border with China, and part of Russia’s old Soviet backyard—as well as a transit point for stuff going in and out of Afghanistan for NATO—it has some strategic importance. But a lack of Western effort here to prop up any single leadership figure has meant that the country is languishing without an effective government since the short-lived “Tulip Revolution” in 2005, which ousted president Askar Akayev. No one rushed to help him because he doesn’t have oil wealth to back him up. Widespread poverty and north-south ethnic divisions keep the violence simmering. 

Kerry is in the middle of a European/Middle East tour right now. We’ll see what other countries he manages to contrive.

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Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:43 | 3292605 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I'm sure East Coast Elite Kerry loves having to break bread with these Steppes Trash.

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:48 | 3292615 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



Still, he is pretty smart for a horse.

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:52 | 3292633 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

smart enough to marry big money

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:16 | 3292694 john39
john39's picture

They met at a coven get together.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 01:33 | 3292825 Rusty Diggins
Rusty Diggins's picture

The fictional novel Absurdistan comes really close to capturing the true beauty of this corner of the globe. 

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 01:53 | 3292845 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Are there any service medals for stapler or paper cut injuries in the line of duty in the State Department?

Kerry has probably qualified for at least three by now.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 02:36 | 3292905 iDealMeat
iDealMeat's picture

+1. Thx for keeping it real.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 06:26 | 3293056 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Haa ha all the low hanging fruit is gone. CIA now pissing in Russia's back yard. This will get interesting. I reckon the carrier fleet must be in port to get wheels fitted, these new oppressed States of interest are very much landlocked.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 13:20 | 3293556 post turtle saver
post turtle saver's picture

Cruise missiles don't need wheels.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 15:00 | 3293645 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Little known story is that John Kerry and Camilla Parker Bowles had a love child some years ago..

The offspring had a short gig in TV but went to work for Taco Bell and hasn’t been heard from since.


Sat, 03/02/2013 - 21:35 | 3294565 Stackers
Stackers's picture

John Kerry - the only person dumber than Joe Biden to hold a seat in the U.S. Senate.

Sun, 03/03/2013 - 00:49 | 3294819 merizobeach
merizobeach's picture


I hope someone murders your dumbass on one of your unwelcome visits.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 10:53 | 3293300 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

"Are there any service medals for stapler or paper cut injuries..."

Of course there are!  He'd probably rate the "Purple Cross", he's too senior for the  "Purple Owie".

- Ned

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:38 | 3292748 LeisureSmith
LeisureSmith's picture

Ketchup and horsemeat. Not my kind of chow. Scull & bones makes for crappy stock.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 12:30 | 3293453 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
Sat, 03/02/2013 - 14:26 | 3293671 cosmictrainwreck
cosmictrainwreck's picture

now, that's some funny shit...... ha

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:48 | 3292619 MrX
MrX's picture

all I could get was this stupid job as a spammer: http://vimeo.com/15056028

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 01:02 | 3292780 rotagen
rotagen's picture

I'm not sure , but there's poppies and dead civilians in Ass-ramistan, if that helps.

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:47 | 3292613 kliguy38
kliguy38's picture

Watta douchebag......how far can we fall?

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:51 | 3292628 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

All this would have gone without an incident if only the Krazystan gave us all OUR oil back that we hid in their basement and willingly submitted to DemocracyTM

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:53 | 3292637 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

we're gonna drink all their milkshake

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 01:39 | 3292826 wee-weed up
wee-weed up's picture

John F'n Kerry.

Just call him 'Stan.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 02:28 | 3292891 Zap Powerz
Zap Powerz's picture

Fuck this Lurch Looking mother fucker and his stupid fucking lurch looking motherfucking horse he rode in on.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 14:10 | 3293643 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Soup..., is that you?

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:51 | 3292629 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

How is he with Rothschildistan?

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:54 | 3292643 magpie
magpie's picture

They bear a great message of cultural learning

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:53 | 3292640 Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

Kerry is good at confusion. He managed to confuse the voters of Mass. so much that they thought this upper crust French Joo was a Irish Roman Catholic. Nice trick.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:21 | 3292706 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Ted Kennedy. Barney Frank. Elisabeth fauxcahontas Warren. Seeing any pattern? Also, the beta release of Obamacare.

Referred to as taxachussets. Expatriated former residents called "massholes" in their new homes.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 02:26 | 3292888 Zap Powerz
Zap Powerz's picture

I hope I live long enough to see this stupid fucking place go up in flames.  John motherfucking Kerry is our Sec State now?  What THE fuck?  Please, mother nature, put this stupid fucking cuntry out of its stupid fucking misery.

Ive been drinking.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 03:04 | 3292930 LongBallsShortBrains
LongBallsShortBrains's picture

You are on a roll. Have another drink.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 03:16 | 3292940 Lord Of Finance
Lord Of Finance's picture

Welcome all to the ZH after hours club.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 07:01 | 3293069 Oldrepublic
Oldrepublic's picture

Adlai Stevenson once  said, A diplomat's  life is made up of three ingredients, protocol, Geritol   and alcohol. Perhaps Kerry had too much of the last one


Sat, 03/02/2013 - 10:55 | 3293304 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

Case study in Chronic Botix Overdose.

Sun, 03/03/2013 - 00:55 | 3294827 merizobeach
merizobeach's picture

Kerry would've first had to be intelligent before he could later suffer from alcoholic retardation.  No, that's not his diagnosis.  I'd say he's more likely afflicted with inbred retardation; terminally stupid from birth in any case.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 04:46 | 3292998 Element
Element's picture

The latest knight to sally forth from the CFR Grand Inepitudium.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 10:27 | 3293263 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

It's OK. I may have to take it up again myself.

Amazing how TPTB under the puppet, Skeeter, have turned the country upside down so quickly.

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:54 | 3292641 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

And didn't we invade Kardashianistan already?

Fri, 03/01/2013 - 23:55 | 3292644 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

John Kerry will barter ketchup for International Democracy. Similar to, ‘ Ankara is now considering an Iranian bid to exchange oil for Turkish ships and coast guard boats’.


Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:05 | 3292671 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

I'm sure America's stock in the rest of the world is on the rise now! Confidence inspiring, I must say!

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:08 | 3292679 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

It's true that Sec Kerry was not the best geography student; rumor is that his teacher passed him merely to save herself from having to listen to the little bastard anymore.


Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:19 | 3292705 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Ease up.  He graduated with a 3.22 grade point average.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:53 | 3292764 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

And I'm sure whomever took those tests was a model student.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 01:15 | 3292800 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

He was in the same class as Al Gore, where Al had the pangaea epiphany, discovered the internet and created wind all in one afternoon before tipping John gave birth to the upside-down fetus sea.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 01:52 | 3292843 dunce
dunce's picture

I create wind every day. Can i be a world leader?

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 02:08 | 3292862 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

John Kerry was an experiment for improving student performance. Let no child behind flourished.

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 04:53 | 3293001 Element
Element's picture

really? I heard it was a Findus equine genetics experiment that went horribly wrong ... something about a talking horse ... or was that a stalking-horse?

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:16 | 3292693 JamesB
JamesB's picture

1.7 Trillion Ton of oil seems like too much.  A ton has about 5 barrels in it.  So 1.7 Trillion Ton is about 8.5 Trillion barrels.  Which is about the entire worlds consumption for 260 years.  I think you must mean 1.7 Billion Tons. 

Sat, 03/02/2013 - 00:36 | 3292740 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

You noticed that too, eh....

And as far as the nukes go, it is remarkable what gets left laying around when a super power undergoes catabolic collapse....

Kashagan is also the last great "onshore" oil field found, pity it is laced with H2S at lethal concentrations.... 

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