Guest Post: Is There Oil In 'Kryzakhstan'? Ask John Kerry

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Jen Alic of,

It wasn’t exactly a propitious start for new US Secretary of State John Kerry on his first foreign trip when he referred to “Kyrzakhstan”, where US diplomats are ostensibly working to secure “democratic institutions”.

Getting all those Central Asian “stans” right can be confusing—even more so when things get muddled in the “Great Game”. And it’s no easy thing following in the footsteps of Hillary Clinton.

Later—after the State Department took the liberty of omitting the mention of “Kyrzakhstan” from the official transcript—it became clear that Kerry was actually referring to Kyrgyzstan (not Kazakhstan and indeed not Kyrzakhstan).

So let’s look at these two countries that Kerry has inadvertently combined.

Kyrgyzstan is a landlocked country of 5.5 million people which has undergone revolution and reverse revolution since 2005 and “democratic institutions” are embryonic at best. It’s extremely poor and the recipient of massive amounts of US aid, thanks to its willingness to cooperate in the global war on terror. Kyrgyzstan is important to Washington because it’s also a staging ground for a US-Russian struggle to see who can gain the most influence over Bishkek.

Kazakhstan, on the other hand, is an oil-rich nuclear power that was oddly enough the choice of venue for P5+1 talks with Iran over the latter’s (not to be confused with the former’s) nuclear program. 

Perhaps this added to Kerry’s confusion—indeed it is some heavy symbolism that had some asking why dictatorial Kazakhstan is allowed to have a nuclear program, while Iran is not. In the 1990s, this former Soviet Republic won praise for relinquishing a massive nuclear stockpile (more than a thousand strategic nuclear warheads and 370 nuclear-tipped cruise missiles) in the name of nonproliferation. Washington was hoping Tehran would recall this and take note of the message—though the message remains somewhat unclear as Iran does not have nuclear weapons. The message was further muddled by earlier suspicions that Kazakhstan may have actually been “proliferating” to Iran.

Now Kazakhstan is hoping to make some cash by becoming a “host” for nuclear reactor fuel so that countries (like Iran) wouldn’t have to enrich uranium themselves. Of course, one might also ask whether we want Kazakhstan to serve as a nuclear reactor fuel bank.

On the nuclear front, no one is quite convinced that Kazakhstan should be a nuclear power. It’s not exactly a beacon of democracy, either. Its leader Nursultan Nazarbayev can only very loosely be said to have been democratically elected, and he is continually propped up by Western governments and oil interests.

He is referred to fondly as the “Sultan of the Steppes” and is almost as colorful as the late Turkmenbashi (the revered “father” of Turkmenistan whose cult of personality was unrivaled even by the likes of North Korea’s late Kim Jong-il). While the Turkmenbashi even went as far as to change the names of the months to concepts that reflected his love for his mother, the Sultan of the Steppes creates holidays in honor of himself and sets himself up as the lead character in fairy tale plays and movies for the nation to enjoy.

He is not only tolerated but courted heavily because of the country’s oil wealth. US investors have a major stake in its Kashagan field, which has around 5.4 trillion tons of oil and 1.7 trillion tons recoverable—not to mention a handful of other major fields with oil, condensate and natural gas reserves.

In late October, the US and Kazakhstan signed a Joint Action Plan to promote cooperation in nuclear security and nuclear power, hydrocarbon resources, renewable energy, energy efficiency and electric power. Underpinning this US-Kazakh relationship are pipeline plans. The US is hoping that Kazakhstan will channel all its oil and gas exports through Turkey (as opposed to Iran). But Kazakhstan has many interests—and they include burgeoning relations with China (which is particularly gunning for the country’s uranium deposits) and efforts to ensure Russia that all is well between Moscow and Astana, too.

And then we have Kyrgyzstan, which pales by comparison and would probably benefit from being lumped together in a contrived country of “Kyrzakhstan”. It has a bit of oil and gas, and a bit of gold, but overall relies on imports to most of its energy needs. On the border with China, and part of Russia’s old Soviet backyard—as well as a transit point for stuff going in and out of Afghanistan for NATO—it has some strategic importance. But a lack of Western effort here to prop up any single leadership figure has meant that the country is languishing without an effective government since the short-lived “Tulip Revolution” in 2005, which ousted president Askar Akayev. No one rushed to help him because he doesn’t have oil wealth to back him up. Widespread poverty and north-south ethnic divisions keep the violence simmering. 

Kerry is in the middle of a European/Middle East tour right now. We’ll see what other countries he manages to contrive.

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otto skorzeny's picture

I'm sure East Coast Elite Kerry loves having to break bread with these Steppes Trash.

hedgeless_horseman's picture



Still, he is pretty smart for a horse.

john39's picture

They met at a coven get together.

Rusty Diggins's picture

The fictional novel Absurdistan comes really close to capturing the true beauty of this corner of the globe. 

Manthong's picture

Are there any service medals for stapler or paper cut injuries in the line of duty in the State Department?

Kerry has probably qualified for at least three by now.

iDealMeat's picture

+1. Thx for keeping it real.

Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Haa ha all the low hanging fruit is gone. CIA now pissing in Russia's back yard. This will get interesting. I reckon the carrier fleet must be in port to get wheels fitted, these new oppressed States of interest are very much landlocked.

post turtle saver's picture

Cruise missiles don't need wheels.

Manthong's picture

Little known story is that John Kerry and Camilla Parker Bowles had a love child some years ago..

The offspring had a short gig in TV but went to work for Taco Bell and hasn’t been heard from since.

Stackers's picture

John Kerry - the only person dumber than Joe Biden to hold a seat in the U.S. Senate.

merizobeach's picture


I hope someone murders your dumbass on one of your unwelcome visits.

New_Meat's picture

"Are there any service medals for stapler or paper cut injuries..."

Of course there are!  He'd probably rate the "Purple Cross", he's too senior for the  "Purple Owie".

- Ned

LeisureSmith's picture

Ketchup and horsemeat. Not my kind of chow. Scull & bones makes for crappy stock.

MrX's picture

all I could get was this stupid job as a spammer:

rotagen's picture

I'm not sure , but there's poppies and dead civilians in Ass-ramistan, if that helps.

kliguy38's picture

Watta far can we fall?

Unprepared's picture

All this would have gone without an incident if only the Krazystan gave us all OUR oil back that we hid in their basement and willingly submitted to DemocracyTM

otto skorzeny's picture

we're gonna drink all their milkshake

wee-weed up's picture

John F'n Kerry.

Just call him 'Stan.

Zap Powerz's picture

Fuck this Lurch Looking mother fucker and his stupid fucking lurch looking motherfucking horse he rode in on.

palmereldritch's picture

How is he with Rothschildistan?

magpie's picture

They bear a great message of cultural learning

Moe Howard's picture

Kerry is good at confusion. He managed to confuse the voters of Mass. so much that they thought this upper crust French Joo was a Irish Roman Catholic. Nice trick.

TBT or not TBT's picture

Ted Kennedy. Barney Frank. Elisabeth fauxcahontas Warren. Seeing any pattern? Also, the beta release of Obamacare.

Referred to as taxachussets. Expatriated former residents called "massholes" in their new homes.

Zap Powerz's picture

I hope I live long enough to see this stupid fucking place go up in flames.  John motherfucking Kerry is our Sec State now?  What THE fuck?  Please, mother nature, put this stupid fucking cuntry out of its stupid fucking misery.

Ive been drinking.

LongBallsShortBrains's picture

You are on a roll. Have another drink.

Lord Of Finance's picture

Welcome all to the ZH after hours club.

Oldrepublic's picture

Adlai Stevenson once  said, A diplomat's  life is made up of three ingredients, protocol, Geritol   and alcohol. Perhaps Kerry had too much of the last one


New_Meat's picture

Case study in Chronic Botix Overdose.

merizobeach's picture

Kerry would've first had to be intelligent before he could later suffer from alcoholic retardation.  No, that's not his diagnosis.  I'd say he's more likely afflicted with inbred retardation; terminally stupid from birth in any case.

Element's picture

The latest knight to sally forth from the CFR Grand Inepitudium.

lakecity55's picture

It's OK. I may have to take it up again myself.

Amazing how TPTB under the puppet, Skeeter, have turned the country upside down so quickly.

Unprepared's picture

And didn't we invade Kardashianistan already?

Atomizer's picture

John Kerry will barter ketchup for International Democracy. Similar to, ‘ Ankara is now considering an Iranian bid to exchange oil for Turkish ships and coast guard boats’.


Oldwood's picture

I'm sure America's stock in the rest of the world is on the rise now! Confidence inspiring, I must say!

GMadScientist's picture

It's true that Sec Kerry was not the best geography student; rumor is that his teacher passed him merely to save herself from having to listen to the little bastard anymore.


palmereldritch's picture

Ease up.  He graduated with a 3.22 grade point average.

GMadScientist's picture

And I'm sure whomever took those tests was a model student.

Unprepared's picture

He was in the same class as Al Gore, where Al had the pangaea epiphany, discovered the internet and created wind all in one afternoon before tipping John gave birth to the upside-down fetus sea.

dunce's picture

I create wind every day. Can i be a world leader?

Atomizer's picture

John Kerry was an experiment for improving student performance. Let no child behind flourished.

Element's picture

really? I heard it was a Findus equine genetics experiment that went horribly wrong ... something about a talking horse ... or was that a stalking-horse?

JamesB's picture

1.7 Trillion Ton of oil seems like too much.  A ton has about 5 barrels in it.  So 1.7 Trillion Ton is about 8.5 Trillion barrels.  Which is about the entire worlds consumption for 260 years.  I think you must mean 1.7 Billion Tons. 

Flakmeister's picture

You noticed that too, eh....

And as far as the nukes go, it is remarkable what gets left laying around when a super power undergoes catabolic collapse....

Kashagan is also the last great "onshore" oil field found, pity it is laced with H2S at lethal concentrations....