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White Smoke Rises As New Pope Is Elected, Dow Jones Hits New All Time High

Submitted by Tyler Durden on 03/13/2013 14:17 -0400

Moments ago white smoke emerged from the Sistine Chapel which means that the Cardinals of the Catholic church have elected a new pope on the second day of Conclave. The identity will be revealed shortly. Stocks take this as a bullish signal and hit intraday highs, and for the DJIA, new all time record highs. All is well in the world.

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Wed, 03/13/2013 - 14:50 | 3326856 Kirk2NCC1701

If God is inspiring their vote, should their vote not be unanimous in the first round?

Hail "Papam Sperare Oves" ( Pope Hopium for sheep)

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 14:59 | 3326885 Savvy

At last new pope has been chosen
worthy of a Saint Ambrosian
But If Italy had a say
you can bet they'd say "Nay"
to one who wears lederhosen

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 14:56 | 3326888 youngman

Whoever it is..I bet he worked for Goldman Sachs beforehand......oh wait..wrong religion...maybe he worked next door then....

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 14:57 | 3326893 youngman

How is Prada stock doing today..probably up..this Popes feet are a different size...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:07 | 3326944 Colonial Intent

Dorothys ruby red slippers, one size fits all.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:10 | 3326951 the grateful un...

pay no attention to the man behind the Papal Tapestry..

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 14:58 | 3326896 Brixton Guns

Prophecy of Malachy 1139ad:

Pope 112 will be named Petrus Romanus, and will be the last pope, ushering in the end of days and bringing forth the antichrist.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:00 | 3326907 Winston of Oceania

I'll take the other side of that trade.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 14:59 | 3326899 magpie

They could have stuck to the old ways, draw lots or have somebody appointed by a Germanic warlord for instance.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:05 | 3326931 Crash Overide

Peter the Roman, paging Peter the Roman, global collapse in asile 3.

WHO GIVES A FUCK!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:06 | 3326938 Scalaris

And they all lived happily ever after, none more so than the clerical potentates who resume their ablutions into the fountains of papal temporal wealth, while the supplicants kneel before the authority of their sanctified eminence, with wilful obliviousness towards the guile thaumaturgy of this deceptious scheme.

- Panem ex populo ad Sancta Ecclesia.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:09 | 3326950 optimator

Perhaps they're having a recount.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:12 | 3326959 Meat Hammer

Is the Pope catholic?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Is the DOW fake?

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:12 | 3326960 Binko

So true. I despise people who talk about religion as a force for good in the world. Like the way the Catholic church fights tooth and nail against the use of condoms in Africa? More starving babies and more HIV is just god's glorious plan.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:13 | 3326961 maskone909

Hahahhahaha already looks dead

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:14 | 3326968 maskone909

Fuckin guys head is bobling around like michael j fox

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:14 | 3326970 news printer

And the winner is Joseph Ratzinger

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:14 | 3326972 RealityCheque

Its this guy:

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20071229224538/en.futurama/images/...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:16 | 3326980 slackrabbit

Finally someone we can trust with the kids...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:16 | 3326978 Uskatex

Card. Bergoglio, Argentinian

The first pope whit the name Francis

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:16 | 3326983 sdmjake

Lighten Up, Francis...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:21 | 3326998 slackrabbit

Pope France speaks...

http://youtu.be/0OnpkDWbeJs

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:17 | 3326985 Kirk2NCC1701

Don't cry for me Argentina!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:18 | 3326989 maskone909

So much for the pope prophecy

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 17:50 | 3327703 Jake88

Are you kidding. They'll think of some way to turn this guy into Peter the Roman. Then again you don't need to be a weather man to tell which way the wind is blowing.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:19 | 3326997 q99x2

Pope not so important since we have the Ben Bernank.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:25 | 3327041 rodimus1

I thought it was going to be Obummer

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:25 | 3327046 slackrabbit

The first announcement

http://youtu.be/1RaGVwebWQ0

;-)

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:26 | 3327055 Kirk2NCC1701

Lived in small apt., cooked own meals, took bus. Argentinian. 1st Pope from S. Amer.

Degree in chemistry = understands compounding and FRB.

Look out , bankster gangsters!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:34 | 3327108 maskone909

FUCK!!! I cant TAKE IT, THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKING STUPID ITS 2013 AND PEOPLE STILL FANATICALLY INVOLVE THEMSELVES WITH THIS RELIGION SHIT. ITS LIKE WATCHING WWF WRESTLING

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:56 | 3327252 walküre

What do you have against WWF?

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:40 | 3327141 WillyGroper

Jesuit?

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 15:57 | 3327262 Kirk2NCC1701

I take it that, as a Jesuit (who were shock-troop missionaries) he's referring to St. Francis Xavier, not Francis of Assisi.

Xavier was born rich, gave it up to be a missionary and lived with the poor. Assisi was born poor, and spoke with animals. Now watch the MSM screw it up, with references to Assisi.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 16:05 | 3327304 Clowns on Acid

Amazed how craven and ultimately stupid the CNBC douche bags are..! They keep trying to subliminally connect the "new Pope" event with the "new all time high" in the Dow.

It is so pathetic..one would have to call all of these douche bags low information voters...

But we know it is the producers that are behind this puerile attempt to play along with the immoral Fed.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 17:31 | 3327650 TheFourthStooge-ing