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Wednesday Humor: Career Advice (From Hank Paulson)

Tyler Durden's picture


We can only imagine the lines around the block in readiness for this Chicago Booth lecture "Career Advice From Hank Paulson" urging students not to obsess about positioning themselves for the top job - or perhaps, as we might sub-title it, "Don't obsess - your efforts to make $478m tax-free like me are completely futile."


"When you’re making a decision in a real crisis, you don’t worry about public criticism."



What advice do you think the 'honorable' former Treasury Secretary might have in his private moments?


(h/t Alex Gloy)


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Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:33 | 3328243 ShortTheUS
ShortTheUS's picture

His name was Henry Paulson! His name was Henry Paulson!...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:37 | 3328248 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Fuck Hank Paulson.  I am suprised he is out in public.  He should be banned to Jamie Dimon's island bug out location.  On second thought, I will defer to LongSoupLine for a fitting punishment.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:53 | 3328294 El Hosel
El Hosel's picture

He should be in a very small cell with J.D. for a very longtime, maybe flip a coin and let one eat the other Alfred Packer style.


Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:01 | 3328493 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Drag a hundred dollar bill through Hyde Park and you never know what you will find.


(oh yeah..  Obama.. Ayers.. now this guy. I guess Kyle was slumming last week)

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 03:32 | 3328879 The Navigator
The Navigator's picture

You can't hide - we WILL find you.

And we are NOT "tax paying units" asshole.

We WILL find you. RUN!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:44 | 3328598 All Risk No Reward
All Risk No Reward's picture

Good to know Paulson is still hard at work destroying America.  No doubt he's trying to move more American jobs to China, cut carbon in America while burying China in pollution, figuring out how to get a one child policy implemented in America (excluding the dElites like himself, of course), figuring out how to establish the international banking cartel he bows to set up as global authoritarian rulers.

At least this demon is consistent.

Until the average American gets their head out of their throat (that far up their *ss), this kind of filth still feel comfortable talking to students.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:38 | 3328386 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

how can you say that about a true movie hero....did you not see the factual documentary presented by andrew sorkin. he is also an expert on that morning business you know its true....

i am also going to wait till the end were i can double my order by just paying shipping and handling...oh and the extra lids...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:01 | 3329086 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

If I die of old age, these fuckers - Paulson, Dimon, Geithner, Soros, Buffet - are going to pass before me. My bucket list includes pissing on each of their graves. If no one's watching, I'll take a dump as well.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:00 | 3328314 Dr. No
Dr. No's picture

But that is only in death does he get his name back.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:37 | 3328251 masterinchancery
masterinchancery's picture

I suppose it would be asking too much to see him arrested on stage.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:38 | 3328254 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

"Throw money at DC and they will be your bitch, show your superiors on wall street that you will ass rape your clients at will and you will rise up the corporate ladder like a phoenix of hell fire."

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:42 | 3328265 Dagny Taggart
Dagny Taggart's picture

During the crisis, Paulson sometimes was criticized for shifting his tactics, but more recent assessments have credited the former Treasury Secretary with heading off catastrophic damage to the economy.

They left out: ... heading off catastrophic damage to the economy, resulting in kicking the can to someone else's watch and facilitating what will become known as the largest financial implosion ever experienced on this mudball.

There... fixed it for you.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:43 | 3328266 spinone
spinone's picture

Fuck you Hank

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:21 | 3328687 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



Dear Hank,

Die in a fire.


Those US Citizens who aren't banksters



Thu, 03/14/2013 - 01:11 | 3328777 prains
prains's picture

Hank looks like he's spent his entire life puckering up for a thirteen minute long treble C on the trombone

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:43 | 3328268 CharliePrince
CharliePrince's picture

is john bryants fault he brought us hank paulson.......shoulda just   kept on baking

and stayed  off the squids exec comm

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:46 | 3328274 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

I hate that snake oil salesman. one day a snake will bite him and he will diea slow death.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:57 | 3328625 e_goldstein
Thu, 03/14/2013 - 10:15 | 3329340 cifo
cifo's picture

His wife's remark: "He had that snake look in his eyes".

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:17 | 3328996 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

Yes, a slow death.  

Poor snake!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:47 | 3328276 reader2010
reader2010's picture

One word: surplus.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:50 | 3328285 The Invisible Foot
The Invisible Foot's picture

How did he make that much you say? Easy, he just sold his country to the FED/WALL STREET.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:54 | 3328296 Ned Zeppelin
Ned Zeppelin's picture

A phenomenal, world class piece of shit, deserving only of the scorn of all honest men. Perhaps, someday, justice will be done.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:56 | 3328303 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

"When you’re making a decision in a real crisis, you don’t worry about public criticism."

That's what I tried to tell my wife when she found out I spent the rent money on smokes and booze....

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:57 | 3328304 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

I don't know why but this reminds me of something......


"It's easy to grin when your ship comes in

and you've got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile

when his shorts are too tight in the seat."

[laughs]  "Ok, pookie.   Do the honors."




Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:56 | 3328623 Midas
Midas's picture

Get your foot off the boat!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:23 | 3328688 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



"You scratched my anchor!"


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:06 | 3328646 SillySalesmanQu...
SillySalesmanQuestion's picture

+1  for reference to Caddyshack   :)

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:19 | 3328997 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

He's got that going for him.

Which is nice!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:19 | 3328998 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

He's got that going for him.

Which is nice!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:04 | 3328315 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  "How To Relocate To Peurto Rico". By Hank Paulson

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:30 | 3328390 calltoaccount
calltoaccount's picture

John Paulson

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:38 | 3328420 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Wrong Paulson there, Yen. 

Or IS it?!?!!


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:33 | 3328536 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

   I'm right fellas. They are two(Paulsons) peas in a pod though.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 07:35 | 3329051 fallst
fallst's picture

Wrong Paulson...This is John Paulson, architect of the Magnatarian "lets create toxic waste and short it".


Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:03 | 3328319 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

Snap this stuttering fuckers other 9 fingers and than clawback that tax free HALF BILLION. Finally Pay per view him in a fight to the death cage against Corzine.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 09:24 | 3329229 machineh
machineh's picture

That's not sporting -- Paulson would break Corzine's pencil neck in the first five seconds.

I say feed them both to the lions.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:13 | 3328349 HowardBeale
HowardBeale's picture

They are born, raised by psychopaths, go out into the world and destroy the quality of life of decent, hard-working people, then die. We could have done without that.

One moment longer with that is too long... There must be "the solution."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:02 | 3329089 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

100 green candles for that post! We should've taken out their parents.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:27 | 3328351 GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

I wonder if he stutters like this when the kiddies ask him questions?

Sterns vs. Hank:

Sterns vs. Hank:

Kaptur vs. Hank:

Kucinich vs. Hank:




Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:15 | 3328352 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

I have more respect for a day old piece of dogshit...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:41 | 3328429 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Agreed.  Pinching a loaf is an honest day's work, at least.  What Hank did.... not so much.

"Um, we need like a Trillion dollars by Thursday or we're all dead.  No, seriously."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:39 | 3328723 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

That line will work a few more times, then it won't.  Looks like the Fed's QE has taken the place of government bailouts, in fact the Fed's QE is bailing out the government. 

DHS is preparing for the day it all goes down, are you?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:48 | 3328735 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Hank's greatest triumph: Disproving the maxim You never negotiate with terrorists.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:16 | 3328357 Yamaha
Yamaha's picture

Chicago - you know people get shot there every minute. Perfect gun control is hitting your target.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:17 | 3328358 espirit
espirit's picture

The movie version of Hanky was much better than the real thing!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:18 | 3328360 LeisureSmith
LeisureSmith's picture

Red face, wild eyes, swetty, hands shaking, voice trembeling, looking guilty and lying his ass off. you know... Hank Paulson.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:38 | 3328402 yogibear
yogibear's picture


What advice do you think the 'dis-honorable' former Treasury Secretary might have in his private moments?

Goldman Sachs scumbag ,Wank Paulson!!!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:54 | 3328475 game theory
game theory's picture

The gov't will re-seed the disillusioned working class with new immigrants for a few years while the Fed prints into 2018.  Stop looking for justice; I am sure the odds are higher for going to prison if you post on zerohedge versus getting convicted of stealing several generations of wealth because you think your Harvard degree makes your ideas "special".   Harvard seems to represent a kind of hive of fraud-producing monsters. 

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:07 | 3328650 yogibear
yogibear's picture

I am sure the odds are higher for going to prison if you post on zerohedge 

The time when that occurs nobody will want to live in the US. Fear the government and you have tyranny.

Talk to people whom have lived in communism where Soviet Soldiers bust into the homes and raped the women. People wanted to escape the country in droves. It's when there are border guards to keep people in the country. Travel outside the country is prohibited unless there's a special reason.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 04:58 | 3328950 Mr. Hudson
Mr. Hudson's picture

Do you think the government is going to "bust in" people's homes in places like East Los Angeles on 18th Street, and the ghettos of St. Louis and other cities? I think not. The police don't even go into these areas unless they are accompanied by a whole squad of cop cars. The Black and Mexican gang-bangers would kick our government's butt if the government ever pulled that on them.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:12 | 3329101 Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

It's cheaper to import Muppets, dispose-a-people then raise them here.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:55 | 3328482 MrBoompi
MrBoompi's picture

"There's no better job in the world than creating money out of thin air and giving it to yourself and your friends!"

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:24 | 3328692 monad
monad's picture

Friend of someone who creates money out of thin air and gives it to you is better.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:45 | 3329008 Anasteus
Anasteus's picture

"When you’re making a decision in a real crisis, you don’t worry about public criticism."

Yes. The only thing to worry about is covering up the real reasons of the crisis, saving those who caused it and letting them run their destructive business further, all in order to keep the status quo running… thus paving the way for a much worse systemic crisis of the same sort. Good job, Hank.

"First we create a crisis then we offer the solution."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:11 | 3328659 Golden_Rule
Golden_Rule's picture

Don't obsess - your efforts to make $478m tax-free like me are completely futile.


At least it took care of any conflict of interest...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:20 | 3328683 monad
monad's picture

LADIES: This man has 478 million dollars. Help him enjoy it, and show these guys how a pro makes 478 million tax free, legally.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 01:34 | 3328798 ultraticum
ultraticum's picture

Has this top banker and "technocrat" ever (st)uttered a coherent thought? While we'll be living the consequences of his shit storm "emergency" for generations, at least I hoped I'd never be asked to lay eyes on that psychopathic moron ever again. Pleeeeeeeeeease retreat to your grinch cave and stutter and drool over your stolen bailout money in private.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 01:36 | 3328799 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

long snakes and reptiles.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 02:28 | 3328840 New American Re...
New American Revolution's picture

Hank would say in a crisis, make sure you get a piece of the $270 million out of the money windfall option play for shutting down Bear Stearns. WmWFawell Serfs Up America!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 03:22 | 3328873 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Fuck Hank Paulson.

He is a traitor and should be dealt with as such.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 03:54 | 3328896 slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

Hanks advice 'Kids, stealing from GrandMa is Ok, but never write anything down on paper'.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 04:12 | 3328905 mobtown
mobtown's picture

U.S. Treasury has issued Hank Paulson bronze coins. I'm not kidding. 

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 04:20 | 3328918 Coldfire
Coldfire's picture

Because Career Advice From A Stuttering, Bug-eyed Ass Maggot wouldn't have had the same draw....

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:47 | 3328931 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Dedicated to the $750Bilion extortion note that Paulson handed to Congress..... 


There once was a stammering Hank

Who decided to hold up the bank,

But no words could he

So he left in a fff..ff...fluster

And came back with a note and a!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:52 | 3328933 Edward Fiatski
Edward Fiatski's picture

J--j-e-k-k-kyl Is-l-land, b-b-itchez.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 10:33 | 3329405 ajax
ajax's picture




NOT Jekyll Island, Hank Paulson owns 3/4 of THIS ONE "Little St. Simon's Island" off the coast of Georgia:


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:01 | 3328953 Mr. Hudson
Mr. Hudson's picture

"Survival of the fff...ff..fff...fittest."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:05 | 3328955 resurger
resurger's picture

Cut the head of the "Snake"

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 07:28 | 3329049 fallst
fallst's picture

Hanky , Where you Been? MIA...for the past 4.5 years...Hi!

Thanks For Everything, especially the Net Capital Rule Exemption of 2004...Heckova Job!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:05 | 3329093 steve brassey
steve brassey's picture

u just want to take a showere when u read about these sonsofbitches

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 09:04 | 3329187 Rathmullan
Rathmullan's picture

"hold your nose and go to omaha"

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