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Wednesday Humor: Career Advice (From Hank Paulson)

Tyler Durden's picture


We can only imagine the lines around the block in readiness for this Chicago Booth lecture "Career Advice From Hank Paulson" urging students not to obsess about positioning themselves for the top job - or perhaps, as we might sub-title it, "Don't obsess - your efforts to make $478m tax-free like me are completely futile."


"When you’re making a decision in a real crisis, you don’t worry about public criticism."



What advice do you think the 'honorable' former Treasury Secretary might have in his private moments?


(h/t Alex Gloy)


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Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:33 | Link to Comment ShortTheUS
ShortTheUS's picture

His name was Henry Paulson! His name was Henry Paulson!...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:37 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Fuck Hank Paulson.  I am suprised he is out in public.  He should be banned to Jamie Dimon's island bug out location.  On second thought, I will defer to LongSoupLine for a fitting punishment.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:53 | Link to Comment El Hosel
El Hosel's picture

He should be in a very small cell with J.D. for a very longtime, maybe flip a coin and let one eat the other Alfred Packer style.


Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:01 | Link to Comment Manthong
Manthong's picture

Drag a hundred dollar bill through Hyde Park and you never know what you will find.


(oh yeah..  Obama.. Ayers.. now this guy. I guess Kyle was slumming last week)

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 03:32 | Link to Comment The Navigator
The Navigator's picture

You can't hide - we WILL find you.

And we are NOT "tax paying units" asshole.

We WILL find you. RUN!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:44 | Link to Comment All Risk No Reward
All Risk No Reward's picture

Good to know Paulson is still hard at work destroying America.  No doubt he's trying to move more American jobs to China, cut carbon in America while burying China in pollution, figuring out how to get a one child policy implemented in America (excluding the dElites like himself, of course), figuring out how to establish the international banking cartel he bows to set up as global authoritarian rulers.

At least this demon is consistent.

Until the average American gets their head out of their throat (that far up their *ss), this kind of filth still feel comfortable talking to students.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:38 | Link to Comment smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

how can you say that about a true movie hero....did you not see the factual documentary presented by andrew sorkin. he is also an expert on that morning business you know its true....

i am also going to wait till the end were i can double my order by just paying shipping and handling...oh and the extra lids...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:01 | Link to Comment Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

If I die of old age, these fuckers - Paulson, Dimon, Geithner, Soros, Buffet - are going to pass before me. My bucket list includes pissing on each of their graves. If no one's watching, I'll take a dump as well.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:00 | Link to Comment Dr. No
Dr. No's picture

But that is only in death does he get his name back.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:37 | Link to Comment masterinchancery
masterinchancery's picture

I suppose it would be asking too much to see him arrested on stage.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:38 | Link to Comment I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

"Throw money at DC and they will be your bitch, show your superiors on wall street that you will ass rape your clients at will and you will rise up the corporate ladder like a phoenix of hell fire."

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:42 | Link to Comment Dagny Taggart
Dagny Taggart's picture

During the crisis, Paulson sometimes was criticized for shifting his tactics, but more recent assessments have credited the former Treasury Secretary with heading off catastrophic damage to the economy.

They left out: ... heading off catastrophic damage to the economy, resulting in kicking the can to someone else's watch and facilitating what will become known as the largest financial implosion ever experienced on this mudball.

There... fixed it for you.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:43 | Link to Comment spinone
spinone's picture

Fuck you Hank

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:21 | Link to Comment Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



Dear Hank,

Die in a fire.


Those US Citizens who aren't banksters



Thu, 03/14/2013 - 01:11 | Link to Comment prains
prains's picture

Hank looks like he's spent his entire life puckering up for a thirteen minute long treble C on the trombone

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:43 | Link to Comment CharliePrince
CharliePrince's picture

is john bryants fault he brought us hank paulson.......shoulda just   kept on baking

and stayed  off the squids exec comm

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:46 | Link to Comment Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

I hate that snake oil salesman. one day a snake will bite him and he will diea slow death.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:57 | Link to Comment e_goldstein
Thu, 03/14/2013 - 10:15 | Link to Comment cifo
cifo's picture

His wife's remark: "He had that snake look in his eyes".

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:17 | Link to Comment Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

Yes, a slow death.  

Poor snake!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:47 | Link to Comment reader2010
reader2010's picture

One word: surplus.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:50 | Link to Comment The Invisible Foot
The Invisible Foot's picture

How did he make that much you say? Easy, he just sold his country to the FED/WALL STREET.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:54 | Link to Comment Ned Zeppelin
Ned Zeppelin's picture

A phenomenal, world class piece of shit, deserving only of the scorn of all honest men. Perhaps, someday, justice will be done.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:56 | Link to Comment A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

"When you’re making a decision in a real crisis, you don’t worry about public criticism."

That's what I tried to tell my wife when she found out I spent the rent money on smokes and booze....

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 21:57 | Link to Comment The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

I don't know why but this reminds me of something......


"It's easy to grin when your ship comes in

and you've got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile

when his shorts are too tight in the seat."

[laughs]  "Ok, pookie.   Do the honors."




Wed, 03/13/2013 - 23:56 | Link to Comment Midas
Midas's picture

Get your foot off the boat!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:23 | Link to Comment Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



"You scratched my anchor!"


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:06 | Link to Comment SillySalesmanQu...
SillySalesmanQuestion's picture

+1  for reference to Caddyshack   :)

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:19 | Link to Comment Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

He's got that going for him.

Which is nice!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:19 | Link to Comment Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

He's got that going for him.

Which is nice!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:04 | Link to Comment Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  "How To Relocate To Peurto Rico". By Hank Paulson

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:30 | Link to Comment calltoaccount
calltoaccount's picture

John Paulson

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:38 | Link to Comment NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Wrong Paulson there, Yen. 

Or IS it?!?!!


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:33 | Link to Comment Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

   I'm right fellas. They are two(Paulsons) peas in a pod though.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 07:35 | Link to Comment fallst
fallst's picture

Wrong Paulson...This is John Paulson, architect of the Magnatarian "lets create toxic waste and short it".


Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:03 | Link to Comment Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

Snap this stuttering fuckers other 9 fingers and than clawback that tax free HALF BILLION. Finally Pay per view him in a fight to the death cage against Corzine.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 09:24 | Link to Comment machineh
machineh's picture

That's not sporting -- Paulson would break Corzine's pencil neck in the first five seconds.

I say feed them both to the lions.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:13 | Link to Comment HowardBeale
HowardBeale's picture

They are born, raised by psychopaths, go out into the world and destroy the quality of life of decent, hard-working people, then die. We could have done without that.

One moment longer with that is too long... There must be "the solution."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:02 | Link to Comment Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

100 green candles for that post! We should've taken out their parents.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:27 | Link to Comment GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

I wonder if he stutters like this when the kiddies ask him questions?

Sterns vs. Hank:

Sterns vs. Hank:

Kaptur vs. Hank:

Kucinich vs. Hank:




Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:15 | Link to Comment Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

I have more respect for a day old piece of dogshit...

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:41 | Link to Comment NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Agreed.  Pinching a loaf is an honest day's work, at least.  What Hank did.... not so much.

"Um, we need like a Trillion dollars by Thursday or we're all dead.  No, seriously."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:39 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

That line will work a few more times, then it won't.  Looks like the Fed's QE has taken the place of government bailouts, in fact the Fed's QE is bailing out the government. 

DHS is preparing for the day it all goes down, are you?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:48 | Link to Comment palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Hank's greatest triumph: Disproving the maxim You never negotiate with terrorists.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:16 | Link to Comment Yamaha
Yamaha's picture

Chicago - you know people get shot there every minute. Perfect gun control is hitting your target.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:17 | Link to Comment espirit
espirit's picture

The movie version of Hanky was much better than the real thing!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:18 | Link to Comment LeisureSmith
LeisureSmith's picture

Red face, wild eyes, swetty, hands shaking, voice trembeling, looking guilty and lying his ass off. you know... Hank Paulson.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:38 | Link to Comment yogibear
yogibear's picture


What advice do you think the 'dis-honorable' former Treasury Secretary might have in his private moments?

Goldman Sachs scumbag ,Wank Paulson!!!

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:54 | Link to Comment game theory
game theory's picture

The gov't will re-seed the disillusioned working class with new immigrants for a few years while the Fed prints into 2018.  Stop looking for justice; I am sure the odds are higher for going to prison if you post on zerohedge versus getting convicted of stealing several generations of wealth because you think your Harvard degree makes your ideas "special".   Harvard seems to represent a kind of hive of fraud-producing monsters. 

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:07 | Link to Comment yogibear
yogibear's picture

I am sure the odds are higher for going to prison if you post on zerohedge 

The time when that occurs nobody will want to live in the US. Fear the government and you have tyranny.

Talk to people whom have lived in communism where Soviet Soldiers bust into the homes and raped the women. People wanted to escape the country in droves. It's when there are border guards to keep people in the country. Travel outside the country is prohibited unless there's a special reason.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 04:58 | Link to Comment Mr. Hudson
Mr. Hudson's picture

Do you think the government is going to "bust in" people's homes in places like East Los Angeles on 18th Street, and the ghettos of St. Louis and other cities? I think not. The police don't even go into these areas unless they are accompanied by a whole squad of cop cars. The Black and Mexican gang-bangers would kick our government's butt if the government ever pulled that on them.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:12 | Link to Comment Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

It's cheaper to import Muppets, dispose-a-people then raise them here.

Wed, 03/13/2013 - 22:55 | Link to Comment MrBoompi
MrBoompi's picture

"There's no better job in the world than creating money out of thin air and giving it to yourself and your friends!"

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:24 | Link to Comment monad
monad's picture

Friend of someone who creates money out of thin air and gives it to you is better.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 06:45 | Link to Comment Anasteus
Anasteus's picture

"When you’re making a decision in a real crisis, you don’t worry about public criticism."

Yes. The only thing to worry about is covering up the real reasons of the crisis, saving those who caused it and letting them run their destructive business further, all in order to keep the status quo running… thus paving the way for a much worse systemic crisis of the same sort. Good job, Hank.

"First we create a crisis then we offer the solution."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:11 | Link to Comment Golden_Rule
Golden_Rule's picture

Don't obsess - your efforts to make $478m tax-free like me are completely futile.


At least it took care of any conflict of interest...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 00:20 | Link to Comment monad
monad's picture

LADIES: This man has 478 million dollars. Help him enjoy it, and show these guys how a pro makes 478 million tax free, legally.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 01:34 | Link to Comment ultraticum
ultraticum's picture

Has this top banker and "technocrat" ever (st)uttered a coherent thought? While we'll be living the consequences of his shit storm "emergency" for generations, at least I hoped I'd never be asked to lay eyes on that psychopathic moron ever again. Pleeeeeeeeeease retreat to your grinch cave and stutter and drool over your stolen bailout money in private.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 01:36 | Link to Comment e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

long snakes and reptiles.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 02:28 | Link to Comment New American Re...
New American Revolution's picture

Hank would say in a crisis, make sure you get a piece of the $270 million out of the money windfall option play for shutting down Bear Stearns. WmWFawell Serfs Up America!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 03:22 | Link to Comment ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Fuck Hank Paulson.

He is a traitor and should be dealt with as such.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 03:54 | Link to Comment slackrabbit
slackrabbit's picture

Hanks advice 'Kids, stealing from GrandMa is Ok, but never write anything down on paper'.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 04:12 | Link to Comment mobtown
mobtown's picture

U.S. Treasury has issued Hank Paulson bronze coins. I'm not kidding. 

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 04:20 | Link to Comment Coldfire
Coldfire's picture

Because Career Advice From A Stuttering, Bug-eyed Ass Maggot wouldn't have had the same draw....

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:47 | Link to Comment NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Dedicated to the $750Bilion extortion note that Paulson handed to Congress..... 


There once was a stammering Hank

Who decided to hold up the bank,

But no words could he

So he left in a fff..ff...fluster

And came back with a note and a!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:52 | Link to Comment Edward Fiatski
Edward Fiatski's picture

J--j-e-k-k-kyl Is-l-land, b-b-itchez.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 10:33 | Link to Comment ajax
ajax's picture




NOT Jekyll Island, Hank Paulson owns 3/4 of THIS ONE "Little St. Simon's Island" off the coast of Georgia:


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:01 | Link to Comment Mr. Hudson
Mr. Hudson's picture

"Survival of the fff...ff..fff...fittest."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 05:05 | Link to Comment resurger
resurger's picture

Cut the head of the "Snake"

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 07:28 | Link to Comment fallst
fallst's picture

Hanky , Where you Been? MIA...for the past 4.5 years...Hi!

Thanks For Everything, especially the Net Capital Rule Exemption of 2004...Heckova Job!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 08:05 | Link to Comment steve brassey
steve brassey's picture

u just want to take a showere when u read about these sonsofbitches

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 09:04 | Link to Comment Rathmullan
Rathmullan's picture

"hold your nose and go to omaha"

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!