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"Too Big To Regulate" JP Morgan "Lied" And "Deceived" Regulators, Investors And Public, Senate Finds

Tyler Durden's picture


Moments ago, ahead of tomorrow's 9:30 am Senate hearing on JP Morgan's 2012 attempt to corner the IG9 market through its London-based CIO office using depositor cash which as everyone now knows went horribly wrong, titled "JPMorgan Chase Whale Trades: A Case History of Derivatives Risks and Abuses,” the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations has released its comprehensive 300 pages review of the London Whale fiasco. The report, in a nutshell, finds that both Jamie Dimon and JP Morgan lied and misled investors, regulators and Congress, that it forced its traders to hide growing losses, that it hid trades banned by the Volcker rule (just as we first said in April 2012 in "Why JPM's "Chief Investment Office" Is The World's Largest Prop Trading Desk: Fact And Fiction") and that JP Morgan may, by extension, be "too big to manage" or "too big to regulate" as Carl "Shitty Deal" Levin summarized.

From the FT:

Mr Dimon had initially played down the significance of credit derivatives trading activity in the bank’s London chief investment office during an earnings call in April last year, saying it was “a tempest in a teapot”.


However, the Senate report found that he was “already in possession of information about the . . . complex and sizeable portfolio, its sustained losses for three straight months, the exponential increase in those losses during March and the difficulty of exiting the . . . positions”.


Additional disclosures from Mr Braunstein, now a vice-chairman at the bank – including that regulators were given “information on those positions on a regular and recurring basis” – are described in the report as “inaccurate at best, and deceptive at worst”.


The panel said Mr Braunstein may have misled investors and, overall, “the written and verbal representations made by the bank were incomplete, contained numerous inaccuracies, and misinformed investors, regulators, and the public”.

It gets worse as the accusations of lying are very much direct:

Mr McCain accused the bank of lying when it told Senate investigators it had been fully transparent with regulators.


The report quotes an examiner at the Office of Comptroller of the Currency, JPMorgan’s regulator, saying he felt the bank had “lied to” and “deceived” the agency over the question of whether the bank had mismarked its books to hide the extent of losses. It also reveals that the OCC lowered its “CAMELS” measure of bank strength, a key and usually secret metric, due to concerns over management and internal “oversight deficiencies”.


The bank’s chief risk officer John Hogan told the OCC that there was no mismarking of asset valuations but the bank later acknowledged that there had been mismarking. Mr Hogan said he had not been aware of this when he gave his answer to the OCC, the report said. However, the panel said the bank mismarked to hide losses. It also criticised the OCC for insufficient oversight.

Some more from MarketWatch:

The report does have one example showing that Dimon intentionally sought to cut off regulators from critical daily profit and loss trading data at a time that it could have started to provide damaging information about trading losses at the firm.


Specifically, in late January, 2012, as losses were increasing, the report said Dimon ordered the bank to stop providing a daily investment bank profit and loss report to the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, the institution’s chief regulator, because he believed it was too much information to provide to the OCC.


However, Douglas Braunstein, J.P. Morgan Chase’s chief financial officer at the time, restored the daily report soon afterward at the OCC’s request. But, according to the investigation, “Dimon reportedly raised his voice in anger” at Braunstein and disclosed that he had ordered the halt to the reports. Dimon said the OCC didn't need daily profit and loss figures for the investment bank, according to the report. 


Meanwhile, there were many examples of trader warnings going unheeded. In one recorded conversation from March, Iksil, the “London whale,” told Julien Grout, a junior trader, that their supervisor, Javier Martin-Artajo, was expecting a reworking of their calculation of losses. In the email Iksil said “I can’t keep this going …. I think what he’s [Javier Martin-Artajo] expecting is a re-marking at the end of the month …. I don’t know where he wants to stop, but it’s getting idiotic.”


At one point in March, Iksil characterized the huge losses as “hopeless” and he predicted that “they are going to trash/destroy us” and “you don’t lose 500 million without consequences.”

Finally, Carl Levin who is known to bluster a lot, if act not so much, said that "there’s a lot of evidence" that JPMorgan may be "too big to manage" or "too big to regulate". The bank has $2.4tn in total assets and Mr Levin’s statement adds to an intensifying Washington debate over whether the government should forcibly restructure large financial groups. As Marthwatch reports: "Levin told reporters that he will decide after a hearing scheduled for Friday, where top regulators and J.P. Morgan executives are scheduled to testify, whether it will push the Justice Department to investigate the firm. Dimon was not called to testify on Friday and Levin defended the decision, arguing that he plans to hear from the individuals with the most knowledge of the trades."

Of course, nothing will ever happen to JPM, and no TBTF banks in the US will ever be split up. Why? Because doing so would reveal the 1000-to-1 exposure of outstanding derivative notional to collateral, and would necessitate an immediate collapse in the $600 trillion OTC derivative market, leading to fare more catastrophic consequences than the Lehman bankruptcy. And a loss of DC's indulgence collection from Wall Street of course. Because what is D.C. if not the bought and paid for muppets of the very firm that is the subject of this article?

Either way, tomorrow's senatorial theater, which we will cover, where Jamie Dimon and his presidential handcuffs will be absent, promises to be quite entertaining, and JPM's sacrificial pig, Ina Drew will be summarily crucified, even if her boss - the man who made it all happen, will be comfortably hundreds of miles away.


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Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:28 | 3330780 Bay of Pigs
Bay of Pigs's picture

FREE Ina Drew!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:36 | 3330813 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Perhaps Mr Holder will now reconsider his position..., NOT!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:41 | 3330820 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Where is this scumbag Dimon hiding? Seems like no one is able to locate the bastard.
We all knew this was coming. An arrogant prick like Dimon was setup to fall on the sword and take one for the team.
We all know what comes next. G-S buys up JPig.
"doing G-d's work."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:45 | 3330838 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

Wow, whoever it is at JP Morgan that's responsible for sending out the monthly bribe checks to the Senate is fucked.

I am Chumbawamba

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:55 | 3330862 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Really? They lied??  I'll be damned, I guess self-regulation isn't such a good idea.  I guess we shouldn't just take their word for it.  JFC, let's move to a different paradigm, already: full disclosure or rot in jail. 

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:03 | 3330903 James_Cole
James_Cole's picture

I think what he’s [Javier Martin-Artajo] expecting is a re-marking at the end of the month …. I don’t know where he wants to stop, but it’s getting idiotic.

I thought it was all just the rogue traders going... rogue..?

Ina will set the record straight!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:07 | 3330922 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Too Big to Regurgitate

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:08 | 3330930 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I bet the MSM will be too busy tomorrow going on about the assault weapons ban to care.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:15 | 3330950 whotookmyalias
whotookmyalias's picture

I'm shocked, shocked to find that lying is going on in here:


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:21 | 3331127 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Remember, it's not a lie if YOU believe it.  (George Costanza)

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 21:30 | 3331422 espirit
espirit's picture

There's a new boss in town now, and many CEO's have been too greedy.

Expect some changes soon, like early retirements, mysterious dissappearances, or suicides from high places.

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 00:13 | 3331634 prains
prains's picture

Jamie Dimon looks like he's spent his entire life puckered up so tight he could hit a thirteen minute long treble C on a trombone




I am Miles Davis and I approve this message

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 12:01 | 3332633 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

Let the pro forma wrist slapping ceremony commence!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:15 | 3330954 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

JPig is insolvent.  Dimon is a fraud and a liar.  But, lets keep this theater going "so we don't have an economic problem"..... lol.  Joke.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:15 | 3330957 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Now we know why JPM crashed tomorrow.  Naked shorting never seemed so fun.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:04 | 3330907 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

How fucking smart are you now Mr. Dimon?  

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 09:28 | 3332087 mobey
mobey's picture

Haven't you heard?


Dimon's picture is next to the word "leader" in the dictionary.


Bloomberg told me so.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:40 | 3330825 Cult_of_Reason
Cult_of_Reason's picture


Cufflinks with the gold eagle surrounded by "Seal of the President of the United States"

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:44 | 3330840 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

It's like when a kids buys cufflinks for his Dad, because Dad gives the weekly allowance - and the keys to the BMW on prom night.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:49 | 3330842 Cult_of_Reason
Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:33 | 3331015 newworldorder
newworldorder's picture

Mr Holder is not in office to reconsider his positions. He is in office to cover the back of his president as well as the wishers of his financial clients.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 20:30 | 3331282 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Yes..., we all know. He is only the head of a clean-up crew.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:17 | 3331118 californiagirl
californiagirl's picture

Someone needs to start a petition on for a law that requires the AG to start a criminal investigation whenever a $1 billion goes missing or is rapidly lost.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 21:07 | 3331368 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

What a shame and a waste.....Mr Dimon is such a handsome fellow.

He will have many friends in prison. 

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 08:01 | 3331909 de3de8
de3de8's picture

Why not, he's white.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:40 | 3330826 negative rates
negative rates's picture

J.P. hot pants in trouble again, go figure, i'd rather jump out a window than unwind that bank.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:40 | 3330830 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

Know that every person free man or slave is responsible for their words.

What news do you bring banker?

Cue pit.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:59 | 3330890 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

I've had enough of this shit.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:24 | 3330991 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:02 | 3330898 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

REVOLUTION:There I have said it.

What's that buzzing above my house.................. oh shit

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:19 | 3331121 Alpo for Granny
Alpo for Granny's picture

But I am SURE Blythe is telling the truth about them not manipulating the price of silver.....







Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:28 | 3330781 SeverinSlade
SeverinSlade's picture

So to summarize: Nothing has changed since 2008 regarding too big too fail.  The ONLY thing that has happened is we now have WTMFBTF: Way too mother fucking big too fail.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:38 | 3330817 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

This is why he's richer than us...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:21 | 3330974 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

"TBTF" was coined by those either in the firm or those that have a vested interest that it be kept alive.  May have been coined by the Fed, so they use JPig to keep interest rates low by showing fake demand through IRSwaps and to keep a lid on PM's.  Of course, I have no proof, and to think in such fairy tale terms would be ridiculous, so silly me.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:29 | 3330782 optimator
optimator's picture

The correct prase is "He misspoke".

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:48 | 3330850 GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:29 | 3330787 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

Well, well, well...

Fucking execute those fuckers. Fucking period! Take them all out to the fucking public square, led by chief fucker Dimon and fucking put them feet fucking first through a fucking woodchipper. Fucking hot shit eating fuckers. Die.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:32 | 3330801 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

You sir put the fuck in catharfuckingsis.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:40 | 3330823 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

It's possible you outpace Deadwood when it comes to F-bombs, an impressive feat.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:05 | 3330915 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

You forgot the drugs to keep them concious.

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 02:03 | 3331741 Rogue Trooper
Rogue Trooper's picture

Understandable, in 'his' justifiable 'rage'... still it's noted now and an easy fix.  I would add these will be live streamed free to anyone.  Send the bill for any associated cost to the families.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:24 | 3331135 Alpo for Granny
Alpo for Granny's picture

Again, LSL with an always impressive 10/40,  fuck/word ratio.

*golf clap*

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:52 | 3331178 gould's fisker
gould's fisker's picture

It's about time LSL that you made your return--people were in withdrawals around here.

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 11:08 | 3332451 awakening
awakening's picture

Now that is impressive :)

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:29 | 3330790 Longtermnotreally
Longtermnotreally's picture

Too big to be, or not to be

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:30 | 3330791 Rainman
Rainman's picture

We know how this ends. Wristslap fine, Jamie forfeits his made up million dollar bonus and cartel life goes on.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:30 | 3330792 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Any way to zoom in that picture of the wrist cuff on the article some more?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:47 | 3330848 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Thank you sir. I'd say the symbolism is clear and the message he is trying to project is clear also. His hubris is going to get him a stray bullet in his head or ass raping by bubba at club fed if someone grows a pair finally. One way or the other it always catches up to you.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:57 | 3330863 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Also as an aside on that article and shows how sloppy MSM has become.

"As JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon sat before a congressional committee answering questions about his institution's two billion dollar-plus loss, an accessory to his expensive-looking navy blue suit and white collard-shirt was of interest: his cufflinks..."


You think someone over there would take 30 seconds to run the article through a spell check before publishing. You expect that stuff from commenters or fringe blog and news sites. CBS is one of the highest standards of journalistic news. /sarc

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:06 | 3330923 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

First (I didn't junk you), but I wanted to point out the futility of spell-check to point out properly spelled words.

Besides, who knows, maybe his shirt was made from bleached hite collard greens?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:50 | 3331072 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Fair enough, I could care less about junking, in fact I find it amusing and sometimes informative. You know you hit a raw nerve when you get junked hard.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:05 | 3331097 negative rates
negative rates's picture

Yea, I'm still waitin for The Donald to remove that ring around the collar problem he has. It's cost me plenty of do in more than peripheral tentacles of corruption.

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 08:26 | 3331957 IrritableBowels
IrritableBowels's picture


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:31 | 3330794 kito
kito's picture

senate pretends to care..........dimon pretends to care.................nothing happens..............move along.........................

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:31 | 3330795 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

The Senate better hope the fuck Mr. Dimon doesn't get pissed off about this.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:11 | 3330941 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

Yes, he might unleash Corzine!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 20:49 | 3331330 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 22:29 | 3331505 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

Jamie is scratching  his head pretending to listen but actually wondering what type of mahogny to remodel his yacht with.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:32 | 3330797 rehypothecator
rehypothecator's picture

Any company too big to regulate is too big to exist and should be broken up for national security reasons alone. 

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:56 | 3330877 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

And when the company in question owns the fucking government, good luck with that.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:09 | 3330934 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Wow now that is some simple straightfoward logic. Best case I've heard yet.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:31 | 3330798 mjorden
mjorden's picture

I understand the context of course, but what does all of this mean? looking for a more specific answer instead of the classic "buy gold, fed is going to crash, their time is up" answer.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:44 | 3330835 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

You will continue to be bent over and reamed up the ass, and nothing can or will be done to stop it.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:55 | 3330867 Rainman
Rainman's picture

damn..a few readers might think that's the happy part

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:31 | 3330800 JustPrintMoreDuh
JustPrintMoreDuh's picture

TBTF, WS, CONgress, MSM ... Lying, deceit, treachery ... its all SOP these days.  Collapse this stinking shitpile already!!!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:32 | 3330802 venturen
venturen's picture

SAve the Whales!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:33 | 3330803 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

<<<"That's why I'm richer than you"


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:33 | 3330804 fuu
fuu's picture

Jamie Dimon is a lying sack of porsine excrement.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:38 | 3330816 HD
HD's picture

He's got a nice head of hair though - so he has that going for him.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:58 | 3330882 fuu
fuu's picture

He cannot sing for feces though.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:27 | 3331000 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

it's probably via Sy Spurling.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:40 | 3331045 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

Just say it: pig shit.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:33 | 3330805 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Carve them with a chain saw into smaller pieces.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:34 | 3330806 greydogg
greydogg's picture

R.I.P. Rule of Law

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:04 | 3330904 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

The people are the law.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:05 | 3330914 mr. mirbach
mr. mirbach's picture

Rule of Law died in the MFGlobal train wreck.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:34 | 3330807 BaggerDon
BaggerDon's picture

At least he did not lie about STEROIDS IN BASEBALL....who cares about the publics money...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:34 | 3330809 EclecticParrot
EclecticParrot's picture

Wow.  The Senate actually believes megabanks are hard to regulate and love to deceive.  In an even more startling report, the Senate discovers that cow dung has a few undesirable properties.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:40 | 3330829 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Beep beep beep news flash, this just in, Surgeon General releases results from multimillion dollar study that the leading cause of death is dying.

All the idiots in the matrix ooh and awh in sudden realization while the rest of us slap our foreheads and shake our heads.

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 01:33 | 3331728 putaipan
putaipan's picture

wow! i could'a had a ..... silver bischiss! .... onna long enough noose line- they all shit their pants.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:55 | 3330812 HD
HD's picture

  J.P Morgan is listed in the “Conditional non-objection” to commit felonies and fraud category.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:40 | 3330821 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

More theater, more drama, more sound-bite performances for the sheeple.

Later, behind closed doors, there will be catered lunches with drinks, cigars, laughing, and back-slapping.

McCain, what an ass, Mr. open door illegal immigration and "yes please fill the skies of the U.S. with drones".

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:41 | 3331050 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

True. I'll start believing in serious regulators when they take down Dimon for silver manipulation.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:42 | 3330827 Hannibal
Hannibal's picture

"JPM Lied and blah blah...". So?

Cops can lie,..legally!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:48 | 3330849 Rainman
Rainman's picture

exactly...and I might add lying is the coin of the bankster/political realm. No big deal. These chumps didn't invent the big con. It's been handed down over generations.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:44 | 3330841 teolawki
teolawki's picture

Finally, Carl Levin who is known to bluster a lot, if act not so much, said that "there’s a lot of evidence" that JPMorgan may be "too big to manage" or "too big to regulate".

Maybe Carl could let me have a shot at it?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:47 | 3330846 B2u
B2u's picture

Nothing will happen.  The Senate will fold like a cheap suit.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:47 | 3330847 Skin666
Skin666's picture

What's the cunt's cufflink say?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:51 | 3330856 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Engraved on the obverse side is "Thanks Daddy Warbucks.  Love, Barrack and Michelle."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:16 | 3330959 Skin666
Skin666's picture




Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:42 | 3331057 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

Well, almost.

It actually says: "Thanks Daddy Warbucks. Michelle will suck your cock any time. - Hussein"

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:51 | 3330854 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

Bad banker!  Would you like some taxpayer money?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:56 | 3330871 HD
HD's picture

*Based on a true story.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:11 | 3330942 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

the never-ending story.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:51 | 3330855 toys for tits
toys for tits's picture



JPM=Justifying Prior Machinations

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:53 | 3330859 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

both Jamie Dimon and JP Morgan lied and misled investors, regulators and Congress

No one that I know would escape prison time for this. Once again, we're about to be shown just how high above the law and the rest of us these kingpins are.


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:11 | 3330943 scatterbrains
scatterbrains's picture

Benny B and his merry band of banksta niggas say fuck you  you little peon yours is not to worry about how we roll

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:53 | 3330861 rich_wicks
rich_wicks's picture

I think I'm jaded but when I read the following;

"Mr McCain accused the bank of lying when it told Senate investigators it had been fully transparent with regulators."

I interpret as:

"Mr fucking lying piece of shit accused the bank of lying when it told a body of lying fucks it has been fully transparent with other lying shitheads on the take which they bribe regularly to keep their corrupt fucking mouths shut."

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:54 | 3330864 mr1963
mr1963's picture

This is nothing more than theater for the absurd. The true thieves -- those suppossed senators, congressman, and regulators -- are far to complicit in the whole scheme to cast judgement on anyone or anything. It is nothing more than a hoax designed to lull the american people in to a sense of security when in fact the whole of the financial crisis can be directly traced back to the government to begin with. Lie?

The biggest lie of all is the government works for the people.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:57 | 3330874 Stonedog
Stonedog's picture

JUMP you fuckers!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:56 | 3330876 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

Give me the drone joystick and Google maps.  I'll have our economic problems solved in time for happy hour.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:11 | 3330913 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Don't drink and drone....

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:15 | 3330952 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

while you are at it, would you mind stopping over the new Utah NSA data center and then paying a visit to Angelo Mozilo?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:50 | 3331071 rich_wicks
rich_wicks's picture

What?  And leave our Jon Corzine, Franklin Raines, Dick Fuld, and David Lereah?

You know, if was had a president with actual balls, this could all be fixed pretty quickly.  I never thought of it that way.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:56 | 3331079 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

It looks like I might be late for happy hour.  

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 17:57 | 3330879 resurger
resurger's picture

Just DIE Already

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:05 | 3330908 working class dog
working class dog's picture

Make Jamie Dimon clean toilets until he pays back the losses with his wages.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:09 | 3330910 Dadburnitpa
Dadburnitpa's picture

The past few days I've been struggling to think of a large organization or institution that is not significantly corrupt in one way or another.  Everything seems to be pretend now and everyone plays along.  I'd swear it wasn't all fake 30 or 40 years ago.  Maybe I was so fucking busy or inexperienced that I just didn't notice.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:08 | 3330933 f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Don't forget, Grassley is the biggest "PUSSY" in Washington. He hasn't prosecuted anybody. Even after being lied to by the banksters.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:10 | 3330938 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

Lying, arrogant, kleptocratic, narcissistic, sociopathic, white collar criminal, control-fraud perpetrating, presidential-cuffs-wearing, junk-derivative spinning, Ponzi-peddling, DOJ Teflon-coated, in-your-face scumbag, should be in an orange jumpsuit and prison-issued zoris on his knees fellating Bubba in a pound-him-in-the-ass prison and then put to work 12 hours a day 7 days a week on the prison chaingang.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:58 | 3331084 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

I'd like to watch a few bull-queers go Shawshank on him.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:10 | 3330940 kill switch
kill switch's picture

"Too Big To Regulate" JP Morgan "Lied" And "Deceived" Regulators, Investors And Public, Senate Finds

I feel so fucking comfortable that the senate finds,,,who gives a fuck about this, it will continue forever until the SHTF which is coming soon. Diane Fucktard judiciary committee passed her bill 10 to 8 to take all the guns and large mags,,,why do we give a fuck about bills that attempt to defy the constitution, these bills are non enforceable, molon labe will be the course of the day. We joke about the American people but I have observed a huge increase in hate towards the FEDS and a renewed awareness,,the main stream prestitues are losing in an avalanche exit.


The revolution in forms not known yet is coming..


The kill switch

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:11 | 3330944 Grinder74
Grinder74's picture

So the SEC is totally going to go after them and force them to pay fines and disgorgement that are 145% of their annual income, right? Right?  'Cuz that's what the SEC does to those horrible small operators.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:35 | 3331022 Icantstopthinki...
IcantstopthinkingaboutNINJAs's picture







We're sorry,

But all of your regulatory has been captured.



Para Espanol,

Oprema numero dos.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:11 | 3330945 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Risk theory 101:  If a "risk bucket" is too big, you divide it into smaller 'buckets'.  Use existing Anti-trust and RICO laws on books to break up all the TBTF monstrosities.  Just frikkin enforce the laws, you cowardly, political whores!

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:15 | 3330951 kill switch
kill switch's picture

 What to say



The kill switch

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:17 | 3330964 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

Eric Holder would not arrest someone who killed his mother right in front of his eyes.  What a worthless, ass-kissing bag of shit.  Have you noticed that he looks perpetually, seriously constipated and trying to shit a concrete block; I mean every picture I have seen of him, he looks like that...

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:34 | 3331019 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

I think he looks more like a ventriloquist's dummy (and sounds like one too) - the vacancy of expression, strange blocky eyebrows, lack of any emotion and bankster-apologist stances are the giveaways.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 21:12 | 3331386 Vooter
Vooter's picture

Actually, he looks EXACTLY like a sloth (and that's definitely an insult to sloths, which are really sweet, interesting animals...):

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:23 | 3330986 tony bonn
tony bonn's picture

"...whether it will push the Justice Department to investigate the firm..."


eric "to big to jail" holder investigate anything other than where his next bribe check is coming from or where his next load of automatic rifles is going to?? carl, you are a stupid bitch cunt....

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:25 | 3330994 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

The shit is still floating at the top... Obunga and Holder... a more corrupt pair of queer MoFos you will never see.  Add in fuggin' Hillary, Geithner, Jarrett and asorted other assholes... we don't have a spending problem, we have a blivet problem...

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 01:28 | 3331722 Colonel
Colonel's picture


Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:32 | 3331011 vincent
vincent's picture

6 year olds and 70 year olds are 'potential' national security risks.

What do we call these fuckers? They have the ability to blow up the whole world.

It's only a page 6 story though...Ask Stephanie Rhule

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:32 | 3331014 Icantstopthinki...
IcantstopthinkingaboutNINJAs's picture

Let me guess...


Jaime Dimon will flash some presidential cufflinks and this will all go away.


What exactly was the means test the requied the Bell System to be broken up?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:38 | 3331035 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

File this story in the 'No Shit, Sherlock' category, and wake me when the executions begin.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 18:51 | 3331074 Rottenclam
Rottenclam's picture

Unfortunately, this may all be a precursor to blythe masters becoming the next CEO. 


I wish nothing but ill will towards jamie dimon, but if the alternative is blythe, I hope that jamie stays head of the bank until his bones become dust.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:03 | 3331094 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  I love it when the bad guys cannibalize each other. It's Finger Lickin Good ®.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:08 | 3331103 hustler etiquette
hustler etiquette's picture

I'm Joe 40oz.  How is it possible for such sophisticated individuals with advanced skills / knowledge / degrees to muck things up; 1000x systemic leverage.  When do you say when?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:12 | 3331109 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

And in other news today, the Chase Bank branch at Selfish and Power streets was incinerated when a mob of flag-waving patriots lobbed molotov cocktails through its windows. The suspects fled to a nearby assisted living facility.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:15 | 3331115 IamtheREALmario
IamtheREALmario's picture

We cannot throw J.P. Morgan in jail ... but Jamie Dimon can sure as hell be deprived of all his rights, thrown in Guantanemo and waterboarded until he confesses to licking Lloyd blankfein's ass without a tongue condom.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:20 | 3331123 constantine
constantine's picture

They'll fine them $1,000,000 Dr. Evil style, take their campaign contributions and move on.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 19:58 | 3331197 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

"Levin told reporters that he will decide after a hearing scheduled for Friday, where top regulators and J.P. Morgan executives are scheduled to testify, whether it will push the Justice Department to investigate the firm. Dimon was not called to testify on Friday and Levin defended the decision, arguing that he plans to hear from the individuals with the most knowledge of the trades."

If Carl hasn't heard and seen enough yet, he ins't looking.  Carl just indicated he is blind.  One can only imagine why.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 20:33 | 3331292 AllWorkedUp
AllWorkedUp's picture

Imagine why? No. Pretty simple. A Jew in a position of power protects his Jew buddies. Happens everyday in our corrupt legislative and judicial system.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 20:01 | 3331206 Bansters-in-my-...
Bansters-in-my- feces's picture

Lucky the Deimon is not a baseball player or he would go to jail.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 20:26 | 3331268 AllWorkedUp
AllWorkedUp's picture

Can someone tell me what the point of even reporting this stuff is?

No prosecution will happen, no prosecution has happened in the past, and no prosecution will ever happen.

What's the point? To get everyone riled up?

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 21:18 | 3331395 22winmag
22winmag's picture

JPM, the original war pig finance company that made megabucks brokering unconstitutional steel and arms deals with the British and French while a Democratic, Harvard-edumuckated President looked the other way.


The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 22:11 | 3331481 FreeNewEnergy
FreeNewEnergy's picture

I gave up giving a shit for lent... in 2010.

Thu, 03/14/2013 - 22:40 | 3331529 praxis
praxis's picture

OMIGOSH Jamie might go to jail? 

Can you imagine the posh digs his jail would be? 

Golf, Tennis, Swimming, Hookers, blow...all the trappings of the financial jet set while he does hit "time."

I hate the friggin marxists but could someone resurrect the weather underground and kidnap this DB?  Punch him in the face a few times...jam some acid down his throat and re educate him for a few months...until he confesses his crimes against the working class on video released to Russia Today...a bloody, thinning waste of skin and bone,..a few missing teeth...


Fri, 03/15/2013 - 01:14 | 3331712 Dubaibanker
Dubaibanker's picture

I was sleeping...did I miss anything?

A banker lied...So, what is new? Yawn....I will go back to sleep again.....;)

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 08:41 | 3331978 Atlas Crapped
Atlas Crapped's picture

Sadly, "Diamond Jamie" is correct. This is but a credit derivative tempest in a teapot. It's the interest rate derivative launch codes in the unmanned silo that will shock and awe. What we have here is 300 boring pages of misdirection from that.

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 15:40 | 3333303 cpzimmon
cpzimmon's picture

How about the US Government being too big to manage? Nothings ever going to happen except tha Jamie will get a gentle spanking. He'll probably like it.

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