Eurogroup Folds: Tells Cyprus To "Safeguard" Depositors Under €100,000 Euros; Angry Russians To Get Even Angrier

Tyler Durden's picture

Reuters headlines crossing the closing tape, supposedly out of a (very credible) Greek source, according to whom the Eurogroup will give Cyprus more flexibility on bank levy, and that Cyprus should safeguard depositors under €100,000, even as the full €5.8 billion deposit goal must still be hit. Well, at least they were not kidding with the whole plan. This was not unexpected - as we tweeted last night:

And while after all this, it is perfectly obvious that ordinary Cypriots just can't wait to start depositing money again with their local friendly bank, there are two very key questions which remain woefully unanswered:

i) how will Europe restore the confidence it has lost by even contemplating insured deposit impairments, and

ii) a deposit haircut is still a deposit haircut, and as noted earlier, the majority of Cypriot parties have announced they would vote against any bank levy, not just that which is determined to be "fair" by 10 European bureaucrats, and supposedly only hurts those evil, evil Russian billionaires.

In other words, the final word still remains with the Cypriot parties. Let the horse trading begin.

Finally, the Russian response to the discovery that haircuts on big deposits just rose from 9.9% to over 15.6% will hardly be warm and cuddly. Now may be a good time to ban gun (and plutonium) sales to angry Russian billionaire oligarchs.

P.S. All of this coming from a Greek finance minister source (speaking on behalf of Europe) means it is all 100% accurate, credible and true. We can't wait for the refutation.

P.P.S for Cypriot banks, if you see this man coming to make a withdrawal, it may be a good idea to run.

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aka Gil's picture

I doubt this rumored concession will appease the Russians.

James_Cole's picture

Nah, I hear the Russians are very understanding over the whole thing. Apparently they're even sending in some fancy ships as a sign of goodwill. 

ParkAveFlasher's picture

I have one million euros, does this mean I should open 11 accounts?

MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

I'm all for flexibility of the bank levy. Ideally the levy on deposits worth less than 100k should be reduced to 3%, and the levy on deposits greater than 100k should be raised to 10% to compensate. That would be far more fair and liberal in my opinion.

MiguelitoRaton's picture

Cypriots have a vote, but no guns (strict gun control). Russians have no vote (in Cyprus), but plenty of guns. EU bankers have neither. The politicians may find that they a siding with the wrong groups if they hit Russians for 15%.

koaj's picture

seems like a great plot line for a movie

hedgeless_horseman's picture




PUTIN: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. Now there are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.

ECB: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
PUTIN: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "IMF DRAFT-UNRATIFIED" written on your mandate...

[Zoom in on the ECB's mandate, which indeed has "IMF DRAFT-UNRATIFIED" written on it; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at their demand]

PUTIN: And the fact that I've got "7.62x41mm SP-4 special purpose noiseless cartridge"...

[Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]

PUTIN: Written down the side of mine...

[They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has "7.62x41mm SP-4 special purpose noiseless cartridge" etched on the side]

PUTIN: Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off!



ParkAveFlasher's picture

Now I know Putin does a lot of staged photo ops, i.e. Sambo-throwing bears and wingsuiting through canyons.  Now, look at the faces of the three suits behind Putin and tell me that their look of fear isn't real - 100%.

sunaJ's picture

Assuming that this kind of theft from customers' accounts (the other and much larger one being through inflation) is a disaster for the Eurocrats, I believe it will leave Germany with only two options as this accelerates: start printing the euro or walk away from the union yourself.  I think they are going to walk.  They will have their own problems for sure, but I think they are ready to go.

AssFire's picture

Talk about lucky?

I wonder how many well connected types have multiple 99,999 euro accounts?

krispkritter's picture

I don't think he's pleased.  If 'dangerous' translated correctly, he's commenting on their ignorance of the repercussions or I'd say he's about to get stern with somebody...  “unfair, unprofessional and dangerous,” Putin said...

MagicHandPuppet's picture

I do not support the initiation of violence ever.  However, I would completely understand the "why" if we find Joerg Asmussen's ( decapitated head on a spike along with any other Eurobank tyrant who voted for this criminal act.

Doomer's picture

If I were one of those 10 European bureaucrats, I'd be careful.

You might get the urge to kill yourself with two bullets to the back of the head.

Pure Evil's picture

Bullets not needed. Careful sippin your tea though, if it smells like almonds, you're already dead.

dark pools of soros's picture

then what the fuck do we have all these weapons for?

smlbizman's picture

so at first the little guy is saved...but how saved are they? when all the penthouse owners have left the complex. now you and a few studio apt. owners are left to support all the condo fes as an unsecured creditor.....

jerry_theking_lawler's picture

'they' will never understand.....unless, the penthouse owners have their own island setup and don't have to worry about the piss-ant studio apt owners living next to them.....

catacl1sm's picture

What's up with the weird stitching on his suit's left arm?

blu's picture

It's a hidden pocket containing a Russian tank division.

hedgeless_horseman's picture



...custom tailored with self-inflating tourniquets? 

Archduke's picture

it looks like the stitching of a tactical blazer.

NeedtoSecede's picture

+1 Catac for noticing the suit. The Russians haven't been too big on "fashion" for the past 100 years, but they do know how to build shit to last forever. Just like the AK-47, not very pretty, but you can beat the shit out of it, and it will just keep running.

+1 for the avatar, gotta love Yukon Cornelius!

msamour's picture

Hahaha, isn't that from the movie Snatch? that was epic!

Freebird's picture

Really these Cypriots should have pre-empted all this. The international going rate to launder funny money is 10% - they should have taken it on the way in...still cheap for them sneaky Russians to wash their gains, set up a Cypriot company & become respectable Eurotrash buying London, Marbella, Cannes..etc

Antifaschistische's picture

love it...this is great to watch.

It's very entertaining watching people act like these Russian VIPs earned money "the old fashioned way."  Sort of like Carlos Whatever in Mexico who happens to be the richest guy in the world.

All these uber wealthy guys became "wealthy" as a result of a fascist arrangement between their "business" and the government who passes out monopolies to friends and family.   These are the uber parasites just like American Banksters.

Now, it parasite vs. just doesn't get any better than this, pass the popcorn.

Antifaschistische's picture

Putin almost does a better Robert DeNiro than Robert DeNiro.....but not quite.

Leto II's picture

Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.

silverserfer's picture

Let send in Ben Affleck disguesed as as a bearded hippy to rescue the saving accounts being held hostage.

dunce's picture

How many eurocrats in Belgium could one Russian IED take out? What would be fair and balanced? They are not elected so they can not be voted out. Besides Russia is not as member but they presume to rule them. It is actually funny thinking about the guy Farage called a nobody bank clerk trying to get tough with Russian oligarchs.

MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

Fair is helping out when it is your duty to do so. Everyone needs to pay their fair share when they are called upon by their leaders. If you can afford to pay, you have a social responsibility to help out. It's a social contract.

Sudden Debt's picture

never the less...





Stoploss's picture

There seems to be some confusion.  Allow me to ass  ist..


If a town of 25 people suddenly had their accounts frozen and relieved of " a percentage " of their assets, it would cause a global bank run.


Yall gettin that?

It's about what happened, not where, or how, but, what.  ACCOUNT SEIZURE = FUCK A BANK on a global scale.

nope-1004's picture

Everyone needs to accept defeat, when defeated.  The money men are all about themselves, pushing social responsibility back onto innocent citizens.

How about you go over there and canvas innocent depositors to "do their fair share"?


Leopold B. Scotch's picture

I think the voters in these nations have done their "fair share" at proving that democracy gets exactly what it deserves when it betrays liberty for security. May as well just goop the whole vasaline jar up yer ol' shoot right then and there and at least you won't notice as much.

boogerbently's picture

Exactly, and you see what WE'VE been voting for.

I'm thinking, now, maybe gold price won't be allowed to run up until AFTER our accounts are "siezed."

Professorlocknload's picture

I thought fair was when I ate my candy bar mom made big brother give me half of the one he saved?

Texas Ginslinger's picture


Put down the crack pipe, MDB.......

The Shootist's picture

Absolutely. From sublime to ridiculous.

nufio's picture

sadly most werent cluing in on the sarcasm so he had to take it up a notch.

vulcanraven's picture

If only the game wasn't a complete sham from top to bottom - and the set of rules for us serfs completely different than those of our overseers, would I not have a problem with holding up my "social responsibility".


Nice try though.

McMolotov's picture

The plan is to start with an outrageous demand and settle for slightly less. Then the next time you make a demand, more people have to take the hit because there was a compromise the last time.

Repeat a few times and eventually everyone has to pay up, even the poor folks at the bottom of the food chain.

akak's picture

First they came for the Russian oligarchs, but I did not speak up because I was not a Russian oligarch ....

jerry_theking_lawler's picture

but....the Russian oligarchs may have a word or two to say about this whole thing before it is over....or at least, they know the US/banker elite is after them....and they will HEDGE accordingly (aka, gold, guns, booze).....

HD's picture

"The plan is to start with an outrageous demand and settle for slightly less"

  Who told you about my sex life?