"We Are Not Making This Up"

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Mark J. Grant, author of Out of the Box,

Flying Pigs
After the Dutch Finance Minister indicated that Cyprus would be a template for future European bail-outs there was a lot of consternation. Senior debt was hit and bank accounts were confiscated in Cyprus and the plan just seems lovely for future problems. The notion that the second largest bank in Cyprus went belly up on its own is just not the truth and so the argument that depositors are responsible for where they put their money is not even applicable!
The nation of Cyprus was in trouble, Germany and the rest did not want to pick up the whole tab to bail them out, they had the ECB threaten to pull the funding and forced the bank closure so that they could use the depositor's money to help pay off the loan to the country. There was no "due process," no judicial review and the bank's actual creditors will get zero so let's at least deal with the reality of what happened and not try to paint it as something else.
Then this morning the 20%-40% seizure of the depositor's money, which was the range that had been discussed, was now admitted by the Finance Minister in Cyprus today to be more like an 80% expropriation and a timeline to get any money back of six to eight years. This is, I suspect, because while the banks were closed in Cyprus that they were still open in Greece and Britain so that certain monies crept out during the night, and probably big money, so that the banks in Cyprus are in far worse condition than previously thought or admitted.
Then, of course, because the EU Finance Ministers were not going to meet again and re-open this fiasco; more money had to be seized from the depositors. Now the Dutch Finance Minister chaired the meeting on Cyprus. He was the one that directed the entire affair on Cyprus and the template that he revealed was fist denied then admitted, then denied by the ECB and confusion reigned supreme. Now here comes the first pig; the representatives of the Eurozone finance ministries released a document this morning stating that Cyprus was not the template for future bail-outs. I suppose it was initially written in German and translated into English however they must have forgotten to translate it into Dutch. This is because when the Dutch Finance Minister was asked about this document, and he is the Chairman of the Finance Minister group remember; he said he knew nothing about the document.
I am not making this up. My imagination is good but not this good.
It has finally happened; the pigs are flying!
The good news this morning is that we already know which country is going down next. That country is Luxembourg. We know this because the Foreign Minister of Luxembourg, Jean Asselborn, told Reuters yesterday that "Germany does not have the right to decide on the business model for other countries in the EU. It must not be the case that under the cover of financially technical issues other countries are choked." Now Luxembourg is not so far different than Cyprus. They have a large financial sector, a lenient tax structure and a lot of foreign money. They have just also spoken out again the ubermeisters in Berlin which is not permitted under the EU treaty somewhere I am sure.
Next up---Luxembourg.
It was then reported this morning that the Cyprus Central Bank Governor, Panicos Demetriades, summoned the Bank of Cyprus CEO this morning and asked him to resign. Let me guess; the new Administrator will be Franz Stupenmeister or some name of that ilk. Then the European Parliament President just said that the way "the Cyprus case was handled is no way to do business in the EU." I don't know; the Press must have gotten it wrong. It must not have been the EU that handled the Cyprus fiasco, it must have been Mongolia and no one has told us yet.
The pigs are flying I tell you; the pigs are flying.
To top all of this off, the cherry on the whipped cream, the banks of Cyprus just re-opened in Greece this morning. I don't know, the flights from Moscow to Athens must be jammed. There are no capital controls in Greece so you can take out what money you like while the banks in Cyprus are still closed and now subject to capital controls. "Sense" and her brethren "logical," "rational" and "coherent" must have all departed from Europe in a huff. No one could make this up; no one.
"Mother of God! Flying Pigs!"
                  -The Eagle Has Landed

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Abraxas's picture

Anybody who is keeping their money with these thieves deserves to get raped.

ACP's picture

"Deserves got nothin' to do with it."

They WILL get raped.

Careless Whisper's picture

The Careless Whisper FUNNIEST HEADLINE OF THE MORNING and Threadjacking


"JPMorgan Chase Faces Full-Court Press Of Federal Investigations"  ... NY Times (h/t ZH Frontrunning)


MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

We are rapidly approaching the point where we can no longer deny the need for a global government. National currencies have worked well up until now, but they lack structure and a unified monetary policy. We cannot have a united stable economy without predictable and uniform monetary policy across the nation states. It’s time for a global currency, and a global central bank, combined with a global government to enact super national fiscal and monetary policy across the globe. We live in a globalized world, and our current governing institutions are simply not fit for our global economy.

onewayticket2's picture

MDB....i sure hope your grandpa didnt fight in a war to prevent what you're wishing for....poor guy must be rolling over in his grave.

espirit's picture

MDB... Pushing for GOLD to be the basis for universal currency is something I finally agree with you on point.

MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

Not gold. A new currency. You will still have your national currencies, but their rate of exchange with the new global currency will be fixed daily by a board of independent experts. Similar to how LIBOR rates are set today.

TeamDepends's picture

What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Boris is once to find weed growing in neighbor garden (garden is soil box on balcony) and is look to make good tea. While roasting for tea, Boris entire family is get munchies.

Joe moneybags's picture

Tyler, give Boris his own column.  He's ten time better than Graham summers.

Atlas_shrugging's picture

MDB rules.  Hilarious how many times you suckers get sucked in.  Laugh, and laugh loud.  It's our only feel-good in a time of awfulness

TeamDepends's picture

Suckers?  Sure it's a regular chuckle-fest around here but what isn't funny is that there are legions of bipeds walking around today who share MDB's philosophy and think they are right.

Bananamerican's picture

That's what makes MDB so damn funny....

NOBODY shares "MDB's" philosophy but globalist oligarchs and their mouthpieces....

MDB satirizes the mouthpiece line and SOOOO many ZH'ers (yes, Suckers) fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME...sputtering, foaming and flaming in protest instead of LAUGHING.

MDB is one of my favorite ZH posters but he also shows up a large % of the ZH commentariat as being rather DULL.

Judging by his typical Red to Green ratio it's about 3:1 (shudder)

NotApplicable's picture

You should see the suckers taken in by one "Dr Paul Krugman." Even hooked the Limerick King last night due to the tangential fact that "he knows that Krug reads ZH."

While it started out as teh funnay, it's fast getting depressing that a label and an avatar pic could sway soooo many.

Bananamerican's picture


i thought Krug was a spoofer at first too ("he has to be") but i saw a heated exchange between Krug and some ZH'ers last week...

Based on that, I believe Krugman is actually a TRUE FAN of the real Nobel prize winning putz.

(or a true fan of Andy Kaufman, who could be counted on to take a spoof well beyond "the wink" into an uncomfortable borderland between reality and entertainment).

Either way, Krug doesn't do anything for me...doesn't rile, doesn't amuse.

MDB stands alone as the supreme satiricist of ZH

the show's picture

Haha, even your reasoning is troll-ish. "Like Libor". You mean LIE-bor, the scheme that banks were caught fixing? You moron. You troll. And no, they are not mutually exclusive.

LawsofPhysics's picture

So long as fraud is the status quo, possession will be the law.  Sorry troll, unless the moral hazard is addressed and your new monetary system cannot be gamed by a select few (like LIBOR) things will continue to deteriorate.  Real consequences for unethical and bad behavior will be restored, one way or another.  Roll the mother fucking guillotines already.

bichat's picture

If the euro (european currency) is not working I don't see how a global currency could be efficient...

Diogenes's picture

If something doesn't work, do it harder. If national currencies don't work try an international currency (the Euro). If that turns out to be a bigger disaster than national currencies,  try a world wide currency. Then the whol world can go broke at the same time instead of one little country.

We don't need bigger political organizations, we need honest ones. National currencies would be fine if politicians and bankers were honest or at least far sighted enough not to burn the system until they burn it down.

But work is for suckers and governments can borrow and spend more money every year without ever paying any of it back. As long as the slick trick, the quick fix and the gimmick are the basis of our political and financial system we will go on lurching from one crisis to another.

alex_g's picture

National currencies have an exchange rate, and participants get to vote everyday.  When profligate states engaged in bad fiscal policy, it's citizens were rewarded with a high interest rate, falling currency and a standard of living comisurate with their productivity.  

moonman's picture

I suggest the independent experts be 50% bankers 50% politicians and the rest can be made up of "super special electorates" that the people elect online thru their xbox

Argonaught's picture

WTF, dude?  Are you stupid or retarded?  This is bullshit.  

Any independent experts culled together to set local currency values that does not include the reigning champions of Survivor, American Idol, and Hell's Kitchen will lead to certain revolt.

DOT's picture

You are on to it, Argo. I could sugest a game/ reality show with CB reps. bidding on suitcases containing FX ratios. Would be hilarious to see the Euro end up at parity with the Kwn!

Argonaught's picture

Well played.  Dammit!  I should have thought of that...

StychoKiller's picture

How much would that be in Quatloos? :>D

RafterManFMJ's picture

Culled together? Epic Freudian slip!

Going Loco's picture

"Similar to how LIBOR rates are set today."

Well done MDB. One of the best yet. Keep it up.

deKevelioc's picture

Please stop, MDB!  My gut is killing me.  I think I have a hernia, now.  I especillay like the "board of independent experts."

ciscokid1's picture


toys for tits's picture

Not time for that yet...God will let you know when.

Joe Davola's picture

That time will be Nov. 2016 when Hillary is elected.

Abraxas's picture

Those fucking Clintons are worse than the Bushes.

TeamDepends's picture

Can we get RFID chipped too?  That would be sweet.

espirit's picture

There is a new "petite" Rfid chip on the market now.  Buy one, get your spouse done free at the local Humane Society.

RafterManFMJ's picture

So you're saying I married a dog? Dick.

LongBalls's picture

It's in the health care bill. Page 1501 is the begining. Class II versus Class III device mandated at the will of the Secretary.

asteroids's picture

Too much debt, too much credit, and an asteroid of CDS's ready to crash on your head MDB. I suspect Cyprus's $13B is really closer to $100B with the appropriate leverage.

jimijon's picture

Hasn't that always been the plan? There really has only been one problem with that scenario... the USA. We love our soveriegnity and our guns. And with the advent of the Internet, the message can no longer be managed. This will get very exciting and soon.

Diogenes's picture

Ah bullshit. If the Americans haven't pushed back against the pushing around they have taken for the last 25 years they never will. The Constitutionis just a damn piece of paper and nobody gives a rat's ass.

NoDebt's picture

Right.  Because this continent-wide currency has worked so well I can only imagine how well it would work if we did it on a global basis.  Should be paradise.

joak's picture

lol... they tried that in Europe a couple of years ago, what we hear is that it's not going so well.

In other words, you say : "globalization fails because of not enough globalization". I see, like the cocaine addict does not feel good because of unsufficient doses I guess. 

agent default's picture

I don't recall having a referendum or anything along those lines before this living in a "Globalized World" bullshit started being paraded around as a foregone conclusion. Who decided this?  Who's approval did they explicitly get?  Under what authority have they torn down sovereignty? 

You will be amazed how fast a piece of rope and a tree can change this "Globalized World" doctrine.

GeezerGeek's picture

The progressive elites gave themselves approval. What was it Mayor Bloomberg recently said, something like ""I do think there certain times when we should infringe on your freedom." 

Just like they gave themselves approval to overturn the voters in California on Prop 8. Just like they gave themselves (well, the pressident at least) the power to be judge, jury and executioner. Just like they gave themselves power to ban raw milk, homeowners' gardens, etc., here in the USSA. 

As long as they have the most firepower, they will get their way.


the show's picture

Check out this guys track record... Troll!. When trolling, you fed slave, at least don't be so obvious. And dude, if u think being an obedient slave will garner you favors, take a look at history. Once hitler was done with the brown shirts, they were the next to go because they knew the secrets. Join a side and know who you're aligning with, troll.

Darkside's picture

This is exactly the way of thinking the power elite want. To get there, there WILL be allot of bloodshed.

howenlink's picture

A global central bank?  The bankers don't have enough brainpower to run a successful lemonade stand.

RSDallas's picture

MillionDollar, you are a Dumb Ass! What is next One Supreme Leader? I have no doubt that this is indeed a primary goal of many. This however is where I believe the US Citizen begins earnestly and for the first time since the constitution was adopted, enforcing his constitutional rights.

BandGap's picture

Satire/Sarcasm works best when it's almost believeable. Good work MBD?