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Guest Post: Bernanke Breaks Down: "This Whole Thing Is A Kleptocracy"

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Charles Hugh-Smith of OfTwoMinds blog,

Our April Fool's wish: someone in the inner circle of power would finally tell the truth.

In an unprecedented abandonment of his carefully scripted responses to Congressional questions, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke unleashed what appeared to be a heart-felt and spontaneous disavowal of the financial and political systems of the United States.

Asked a question about the wealth effect, Bernanke paused and said, "The wealth effect. Ah, right." He then smiled faintly and shook his head. "You want to know about the wealth effect? Well, I'll be candid with you. This whole thing is a kleptocracy--the financial system, the political system, it's one big kleptocracy. That's the real wealth effect."
Seeming to find his footing, Bernanke continued with a passion that startled the audience. "You know, I told myself to just repeat the party line for another year so I could step down quietly and let Yellen or another of the toadies take over, but I realized that I can no longer stomach the lies, the obfuscation and the plundering."
"Yes, I have a plum position lined up at Goldman Sachs after my retirement. You know, give a few speeches and pocket a couple of million dollars, but I am tired of the dirtiness of all this money."
Leaning into the microphone, Bernanke asked, "Aren't you tired of the dirtiness of all the money you take? Aren't you tired of the lies we're all living?"
"I am supposed to be an expert in economics. So I'll tell you how the system works in very simple terms. It's no different from the late Roman Empire, actually. The trick is to get close to the seat of Imperial power, which in our country is the Federal government. You bribe those on the make--there's always an abundance of them--to grant you special privileges, subsidies, contracts or a monopoly. You skim a great fortune off this proximity to political and financial power, and then you take this fortune and buy a rentier income--you know, thousands of rental homes, farmland, buildings in Manhattan, tax-free municipal bonds, and so on."

"This is how we ended up with cartels running everything: national defense, healthcare, higher education, the financial sector. You--the elected nobility--enable this vast skimming operation in the name of democracy and capitalism. But we all know those are facades. Democracy is a fraud at the national level, but we're all too cowardly to confess it."

Taking a sip of water, Bernanke said, "Let me tell you a little secret about all our policies based on Keynesian principles. Paul Krugman and I put on witch doctor masks and we dance around a campfire waving dead chickens and chanting nonsense. That's Keynesianism."
"It's hopelessly flawed, a disaster, for one simple reason: the Keynesians think all investment is productive, when the truth is most investment is unproductive and has to be written off. But that isn't allowed to happen any more, because those close to power would lose."
"As a result, everything we do and say here in Washington and in New York is a travesty of a mockery of a sham, an endless parade of lies, half-truths and spin. President Bush, in his own homespun way, spoke the truth when he said, 'This sucker's going down.' He meant the kleptocracy, the whole fraud we're living to enrich ourselves and keep power. I have had enough, ladies and gentleman, and this is my last public appearance as an employee of the Federal Reserve."
Fed officials explained the chairman's spontaneous comments as "the unfortunate result of a mix-up in the chairman's medication," triggering speculation that Mr. Bernanke had stopped taking Ibogaine. Sudden bursts of truth-telling are one side-effect of withdrawal, according to those familiar with the psychotropic medication.
According to sources within the Federal Reserve and Treasury, those supporting Janet Yellen as the new chair of the Fed are battling another faction who believe it would better serve the interests of the economy to install a high-frequency trading machine at the helm of the Fed. "There is a growing sense that it's time to cut out the middleman, so to speak, and just let the HFT computers openly trade the Fed's accounts," said one unnamed source.
Alas, April Fools. Sadly, no one in power has the courage to tell the truth.
Wait a minute--one former insider is willing to tell the truth--David Stockman: 
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Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395603 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

Talk About Kleptocracy ...............


Cypriot President Nicos Anastasiades has said the financial situation has been "contained" following the deal.

He has also stressed that Cyprus has no intention of leaving the euro, stressing that "in no way will we experiment with the future of our country"

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395615 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

It's April Fools for the sheeple every day......

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:47 | 3395620 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



Dammit.....fooled me again.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:08 | 3395657 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

Fight the fraud inherent in the system!

Ask your grocer to stock hedgeless_horseman's brand randomly sourced, factory processed, pre-made, shrink-wrapped, heat-and-serve gourmet meals!

Mostly GMO free!

Includes some actual meat!

In accordance with The Great Recovery, we just increased our portions from 8 ounces to 6 ounces!


Doesn't your family deserve MOAR?

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:09 | 3395670 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Your British curry made us howl!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:11 | 3395891 pods
pods's picture

But the Swedish Meatballs beats it by a nose.


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:23 | 3396170 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Confucius says - "Chinese chicken has 4 legs and goes meow, chinese cow has four legs, and goes bark bark. Chinese pig has two legs, and says what's happening mom?" Chairman Meow would be proud, if he hadn't just gone for a wok...............


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:43 | 3396243 Stock Tips Inve...
Stock Tips Investment's picture

For these reasons, it is best to try not to listen or read many reviews. I prefer to read my charts and my own indicators. Finally, the market is never wrong. I stand on the long side, short side on and sometimes (not often), I stand on the sidelines. I do not care what the guy says Ben or any analyst, political, expert or genius. The market will tell where I should go.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:34 | 3396666 Badabing
Badabing's picture

LOL had me going

tyler what a dick

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:43 | 3395761 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Be sure to eat the containers too or you'll still be hungry...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:40 | 3395936 Alexandre Stavisky
Alexandre Stavisky's picture



He could lay it all out bare, tell every ugly truth, but as long as he daily showed up with the 4 billion in thin air money to juice everyday markets, it would make no difference.  It's bloody apparent to all now that there isn't a scrap of truth or honour left in the system.

As if all the sailors on the Yamato's final voyage weren't acutely aware of ultimate outcome.  Especially after the Mariana's Turkey Shoot.

The futility and arbitrariness of the endgame.  The rot destroys all regardless of ideology.



Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:29 | 3396195 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Now with more BPA's free in every bite!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:38 | 3396226 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

Does it come with horse, Mr. Horseman?

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:53 | 3396252 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



It wouldn't be Horseman's without the horse!

Gluten free* but not necessarily glue free.

See our coupon in this month's Daily Racing Form to buy five and get the sixth one for the same low everyday price!



*wheat...do you think Goldman shorted it 'cause it is cheap?


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:22 | 3396421 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Choco rations going up to twenty-five grams next week. Doubleplus good!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:33 | 3396471 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

You said it includes some actual meat- you just didn't specify what kind!!! Roadkill!???

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:43 | 3396632 WhiteNight123129
WhiteNight123129's picture

I just have one comment.

" Ça a l´air délicieux" -- it looks delicious --


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:49 | 3395625 fomcy
fomcy's picture

I cannot f*cking believe in this Fraud. Fed Printing more than ever

and Silver going down alone with GOLD.. WTF is going on!!!? $28 f* Stinking Dollars /oz

While gallon of Gas near $4, this is ridiculous.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:56 | 3395638 CH1
CH1's picture

I know, it's insane, but that's the way of the world just now - people WANT things to be insane, because they fear reality. They reward the purveyors of insanity and punish the few die-hard sellers of truth.

Accept that this is the current state of affairs and keep stacking phyz as you are able.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:01 | 3395654 Clint Liquor
Clint Liquor's picture

Then Alice says to the Queen of Hearts, 'one cannot believe in impossible things'. The Queen responded, ' My dear child, I dare say you have not tried. When I was your age, I could believe a dozen impossible things before breakfast.".

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:16 | 3395909 Race Car Driver
Race Car Driver's picture

> ... people WANT things to be insane, because they fear reality.


Ordo Ab Chao.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:36 | 3396003 10mm
10mm's picture

Truthers will soon be rewarded i believe.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:16 | 3395680 tarsubil
tarsubil's picture

My brother delivers mail in Naples, FL. He finally wants to buy physical after all these long explanations from me on numerous obvious reasons he should. Why? All the rich people are doing it (he delivers more and more each day). Stop complaining. Who cares what the comex says silver or gold is worth? The game is already over.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 17:43 | 3397411 samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

he should just keep those deliveries...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:00 | 3395653 Ribeye
Ribeye's picture

"well, I can tell ye this, they're not fckn gettin my money, I'm takin it out"

- Ribeye's 71 year old aunt, last week during a family dinner in South Dublin

If ye don't know what that means, you don't understand how bank runs work,

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:25 | 3396181 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

If the Irish knew about early withdrawl, there wouldn't be so many Irish. 

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:56 | 3395606 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Thanks Captain Obvious, ha ha.  So many paper promises, so little real collateral.  Same as it ever was, even on April fools.  The capital and resource mis-allocation and malinvestment continues.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395608 realtick
realtick's picture


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395609 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Ben comes clean:  "I keep krugerrands between my butt cheeks."

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:54 | 3395635 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

Blushing Ben reluctantly admits ... his nipples rings are 24k.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:00 | 3395652 MissCellany
MissCellany's picture

Okay, WHOA...Bernanke butt cheeks and nipple rings...WAY too much information...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:44 | 3396711 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

How about his platinum cock ring?  Size 4, if I'm not mistaken.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:56 | 3395818 IamtheREALmario
IamtheREALmario's picture

LoL... a solid gold butt plug that keeps him full of shit.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:27 | 3396449 Jena
Jena's picture

Nah. It'd be too soft for all the clenching he probably does.  It'd have to be tungsten with gold plating.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:34 | 3396474 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

He does seem a bit, erm, rigid.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:44 | 3395610 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:44 | 3395616 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Bernanke will spend eternity in Hell with the Checkered Demon and Ruby the Dyke as his roommates.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:56 | 3395813 samsara
samsara's picture

Zap  #4  #5 ???


Don't forget Captain  P&G

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:06 | 3395863 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

... or Starry Eyed Stella.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:32 | 3396205 Transformer
Transformer's picture

The real problem is the Snoids.  The elites got infected with Snoids long ago, and we are paying the price.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 15:51 | 3397001 samsara
samsara's picture

Very Funny Mr. Snoid

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:49 | 3395617 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

He looks like the saint on my aunt's Mass card

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:45 | 3395618 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

and yada, yada , yada, I printed some money...............

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:52 | 3395630 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

and gave it to my friends...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:31 | 3395725 DosZap
DosZap's picture

And in the NEWS, Cypriots w/ over 100k Eu, get an additiional haircut to 60%!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow..................how's that for a real ass bender.


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 20:28 | 3397843 Diogenes
Diogenes's picture

It will be more like 100% when they find out what their bogus "securities" are worth.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:50 | 3395627 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

This probably happened in an alternate universe where the bernank somehow grew a conscience.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:58 | 3395643 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

... in a galaxy far, far away...

Oh well, unfortunately BB is our problem and we have to fix it.

I will not pass this current shitty state of affairs on to the youngsters.

The Second American Revolution, laughing at the fear mongers and enjoying Greater Fools Day.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:52 | 3395629 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

CHS rocks the April Fool's boat with the perfectly obvious.  Hilarious!

Thanks Charles!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:53 | 3395631 Clint Liquor
Clint Liquor's picture

The Banksters tell the truth:

We have made you slaves with taxes, inflation and credit, so get back on the treadmill, assholes.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!