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Guest Post: Bernanke Breaks Down: "This Whole Thing Is A Kleptocracy"

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Charles Hugh-Smith of OfTwoMinds blog,

Our April Fool's wish: someone in the inner circle of power would finally tell the truth.

In an unprecedented abandonment of his carefully scripted responses to Congressional questions, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke unleashed what appeared to be a heart-felt and spontaneous disavowal of the financial and political systems of the United States.

Asked a question about the wealth effect, Bernanke paused and said, "The wealth effect. Ah, right." He then smiled faintly and shook his head. "You want to know about the wealth effect? Well, I'll be candid with you. This whole thing is a kleptocracy--the financial system, the political system, it's one big kleptocracy. That's the real wealth effect."
Seeming to find his footing, Bernanke continued with a passion that startled the audience. "You know, I told myself to just repeat the party line for another year so I could step down quietly and let Yellen or another of the toadies take over, but I realized that I can no longer stomach the lies, the obfuscation and the plundering."
"Yes, I have a plum position lined up at Goldman Sachs after my retirement. You know, give a few speeches and pocket a couple of million dollars, but I am tired of the dirtiness of all this money."
Leaning into the microphone, Bernanke asked, "Aren't you tired of the dirtiness of all the money you take? Aren't you tired of the lies we're all living?"
"I am supposed to be an expert in economics. So I'll tell you how the system works in very simple terms. It's no different from the late Roman Empire, actually. The trick is to get close to the seat of Imperial power, which in our country is the Federal government. You bribe those on the make--there's always an abundance of them--to grant you special privileges, subsidies, contracts or a monopoly. You skim a great fortune off this proximity to political and financial power, and then you take this fortune and buy a rentier income--you know, thousands of rental homes, farmland, buildings in Manhattan, tax-free municipal bonds, and so on."

"This is how we ended up with cartels running everything: national defense, healthcare, higher education, the financial sector. You--the elected nobility--enable this vast skimming operation in the name of democracy and capitalism. But we all know those are facades. Democracy is a fraud at the national level, but we're all too cowardly to confess it."

Taking a sip of water, Bernanke said, "Let me tell you a little secret about all our policies based on Keynesian principles. Paul Krugman and I put on witch doctor masks and we dance around a campfire waving dead chickens and chanting nonsense. That's Keynesianism."
"It's hopelessly flawed, a disaster, for one simple reason: the Keynesians think all investment is productive, when the truth is most investment is unproductive and has to be written off. But that isn't allowed to happen any more, because those close to power would lose."
"As a result, everything we do and say here in Washington and in New York is a travesty of a mockery of a sham, an endless parade of lies, half-truths and spin. President Bush, in his own homespun way, spoke the truth when he said, 'This sucker's going down.' He meant the kleptocracy, the whole fraud we're living to enrich ourselves and keep power. I have had enough, ladies and gentleman, and this is my last public appearance as an employee of the Federal Reserve."
Fed officials explained the chairman's spontaneous comments as "the unfortunate result of a mix-up in the chairman's medication," triggering speculation that Mr. Bernanke had stopped taking Ibogaine. Sudden bursts of truth-telling are one side-effect of withdrawal, according to those familiar with the psychotropic medication.
According to sources within the Federal Reserve and Treasury, those supporting Janet Yellen as the new chair of the Fed are battling another faction who believe it would better serve the interests of the economy to install a high-frequency trading machine at the helm of the Fed. "There is a growing sense that it's time to cut out the middleman, so to speak, and just let the HFT computers openly trade the Fed's accounts," said one unnamed source.
Alas, April Fools. Sadly, no one in power has the courage to tell the truth.
Wait a minute--one former insider is willing to tell the truth--David Stockman: 

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Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395603 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

Talk About Kleptocracy ...............


Cypriot President Nicos Anastasiades has said the financial situation has been "contained" following the deal.

He has also stressed that Cyprus has no intention of leaving the euro, stressing that "in no way will we experiment with the future of our country"

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395615 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

It's April Fools for the sheeple every day......

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:47 | 3395620 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



Dammit.....fooled me again.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:08 | 3395657 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

Fight the fraud inherent in the system!

Ask your grocer to stock hedgeless_horseman's brand randomly sourced, factory processed, pre-made, shrink-wrapped, heat-and-serve gourmet meals!

Mostly GMO free!

Includes some actual meat!

In accordance with The Great Recovery, we just increased our portions from 8 ounces to 6 ounces!


Doesn't your family deserve MOAR?

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:09 | 3395670 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Your British curry made us howl!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:11 | 3395891 pods
pods's picture

But the Swedish Meatballs beats it by a nose.


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:23 | 3396170 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Confucius says - "Chinese chicken has 4 legs and goes meow, chinese cow has four legs, and goes bark bark. Chinese pig has two legs, and says what's happening mom?" Chairman Meow would be proud, if he hadn't just gone for a wok...............

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:43 | 3396243 Stock Tips Inve...
Stock Tips Investment's picture

For these reasons, it is best to try not to listen or read many reviews. I prefer to read my charts and my own indicators. Finally, the market is never wrong. I stand on the long side, short side on and sometimes (not often), I stand on the sidelines. I do not care what the guy says Ben or any analyst, political, expert or genius. The market will tell where I should go.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:34 | 3396666 Badabing
Badabing's picture

LOL had me going

tyler what a dick

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:43 | 3395761 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Be sure to eat the containers too or you'll still be hungry...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:40 | 3395936 Alexandre Stavisky
Alexandre Stavisky's picture


He could lay it all out bare, tell every ugly truth, but as long as he daily showed up with the 4 billion in thin air money to juice everyday markets, it would make no difference.  It's bloody apparent to all now that there isn't a scrap of truth or honour left in the system.

As if all the sailors on the Yamato's final voyage weren't acutely aware of ultimate outcome.  Especially after the Mariana's Turkey Shoot.

The futility and arbitrariness of the endgame.  The rot destroys all regardless of ideology.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:29 | 3396195 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Now with more BPA's free in every bite!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:38 | 3396226 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

Does it come with horse, Mr. Horseman?

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:53 | 3396252 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



It wouldn't be Horseman's without the horse!

Gluten free* but not necessarily glue free.

See our coupon in this month's Daily Racing Form to buy five and get the sixth one for the same low everyday price!



* you think Goldman shorted it 'cause it is cheap?


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:22 | 3396421 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Choco rations going up to twenty-five grams next week. Doubleplus good!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:33 | 3396471 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

You said it includes some actual meat- you just didn't specify what kind!!! Roadkill!???

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:43 | 3396632 WhiteNight123129
WhiteNight123129's picture

I just have one comment.

" Ça a l´air délicieux" -- it looks delicious --


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:49 | 3395625 rogeliokh
rogeliokh's picture

I cannot f*cking believe in this Fraud. Fed Printing more than ever

and Silver going down alone with GOLD.. WTF is going on!!!? $28 f* Stinking Dollars /oz

While gallon of Gas near $4, this is ridiculous.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:56 | 3395638 CH1
CH1's picture

I know, it's insane, but that's the way of the world just now - people WANT things to be insane, because they fear reality. They reward the purveyors of insanity and punish the few die-hard sellers of truth.

Accept that this is the current state of affairs and keep stacking phyz as you are able.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:01 | 3395654 Clint Liquor
Clint Liquor's picture

Then Alice says to the Queen of Hearts, 'one cannot believe in impossible things'. The Queen responded, ' My dear child, I dare say you have not tried. When I was your age, I could believe a dozen impossible things before breakfast.".

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:16 | 3395909 Race Car Driver
Race Car Driver's picture

> ... people WANT things to be insane, because they fear reality.


Ordo Ab Chao.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:36 | 3396003 10mm
10mm's picture

Truthers will soon be rewarded i believe.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:16 | 3395680 tarsubil
tarsubil's picture

My brother delivers mail in Naples, FL. He finally wants to buy physical after all these long explanations from me on numerous obvious reasons he should. Why? All the rich people are doing it (he delivers more and more each day). Stop complaining. Who cares what the comex says silver or gold is worth? The game is already over.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 17:43 | 3397411 samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

he should just keep those deliveries...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:00 | 3395653 Ribeye
Ribeye's picture

"well, I can tell ye this, they're not fckn gettin my money, I'm takin it out"

- Ribeye's 71 year old aunt, last week during a family dinner in South Dublin

If ye don't know what that means, you don't understand how bank runs work,

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:25 | 3396181 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

If the Irish knew about early withdrawl, there wouldn't be so many Irish. 

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:56 | 3395606 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Thanks Captain Obvious, ha ha.  So many paper promises, so little real collateral.  Same as it ever was, even on April fools.  The capital and resource mis-allocation and malinvestment continues.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395608 realtick
realtick's picture


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:43 | 3395609 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Ben comes clean:  "I keep krugerrands between my butt cheeks."

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:54 | 3395635 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

Blushing Ben reluctantly admits ... his nipples rings are 24k.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:00 | 3395652 MissCellany
MissCellany's picture

Okay, WHOA...Bernanke butt cheeks and nipple rings...WAY too much information...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:44 | 3396711 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

How about his platinum cock ring?  Size 4, if I'm not mistaken.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:56 | 3395818 IamtheREALmario
IamtheREALmario's picture

LoL... a solid gold butt plug that keeps him full of shit.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:27 | 3396449 Jena
Jena's picture

Nah. It'd be too soft for all the clenching he probably does.  It'd have to be tungsten with gold plating.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:34 | 3396474 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

He does seem a bit, erm, rigid.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:44 | 3395610 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:44 | 3395616 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Bernanke will spend eternity in Hell with the Checkered Demon and Ruby the Dyke as his roommates.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:56 | 3395813 samsara
samsara's picture

Zap  #4  #5 ???


Don't forget Captain  P&G

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:06 | 3395863 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

... or Starry Eyed Stella.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:32 | 3396205 Transformer
Transformer's picture

The real problem is the Snoids.  The elites got infected with Snoids long ago, and we are paying the price.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 15:51 | 3397001 samsara
samsara's picture

Very Funny Mr. Snoid

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:49 | 3395617 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

He looks like the saint on my aunt's Mass card

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:45 | 3395618 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

and yada, yada , yada, I printed some money...............

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:52 | 3395630 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

and gave it to my friends...

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:31 | 3395725 DosZap
DosZap's picture

And in the NEWS, Cypriots w/ over 100k Eu, get an additiional haircut to 60%!!!!!!!!!!!!'s that for a real ass bender.


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 20:28 | 3397843 Diogenes
Diogenes's picture

It will be more like 100% when they find out what their bogus "securities" are worth.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:50 | 3395627 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

This probably happened in an alternate universe where the bernank somehow grew a conscience.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:58 | 3395643 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

... in a galaxy far, far away...

Oh well, unfortunately BB is our problem and we have to fix it.

I will not pass this current shitty state of affairs on to the youngsters.

The Second American Revolution, laughing at the fear mongers and enjoying Greater Fools Day.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:52 | 3395629 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

CHS rocks the April Fool's boat with the perfectly obvious.  Hilarious!

Thanks Charles!

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:53 | 3395631 Clint Liquor
Clint Liquor's picture

The Banksters tell the truth:

We have made you slaves with taxes, inflation and credit, so get back on the treadmill, assholes.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:54 | 3395632 Cursive
Cursive's picture


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:56 | 3395633 fuu
fuu's picture

Fuck you Bernanke.

Fuck you Krugman.


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:07 | 3395668 falak pema
falak pema's picture

you forgot FU April fool ! 

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:28 | 3395718 fuu
fuu's picture

April Fools bring May Imbeciles.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:31 | 3396463 Forty Six and 2
Forty Six and 2's picture

+1  LOL

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:53 | 3395634 They Tried to S...
They Tried to Steal My Gold's picture

I'm still drooling over the circxuit breakers as my forecast for 3000 point plunge in one day, this is just orgasmic though.,...


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:01 | 3395655 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Who is left in the "market" who would actually be selling?   The institutional suckers have to buy for the long haul.  The algos are trading (sifioning off wealth) on a pico-second time scale that you and I can't compete with.  I can't seem to get a real feel for this or an answer to this question.  Seems like the algos (primary dealers), institutional investors (401ks), and the government are the only players left?  In other words, there is no market, period.  Shit, your local drug dealer probably has a better idea as to what the real "prices" for things are.  There is no god damn market for true price discovery anymore.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:54 | 3395636 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Are news reading algos 4/1 compliant?

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:57 | 3395641 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

Ibogaine?  Perhaps a reference to the good Doctor Gonzo..RIP

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 09:59 | 3395650 rwe2late
rwe2late's picture

Paul Craig Roberts - former Assistant Secretary of the Treasury - is ignored by the mainstream media.

But why is he ignored at ZeroHedge?

“This is what economic policy in the West has become–a tool of the wealthy used to enrich themselves by spreading poverty among the rest of the population.” - P C Roberts


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:44 | 3396027 SpiceMustFlow
SpiceMustFlow's picture

I used to like him more than I do now since I realized that he's a supply side statist that has the right gut feelings but favors more intensive regulations (as opposed to state-market decoupling) for the most part.

Porter Stansberry (yeah whatever bring it, he's a badass) gapes him in this interview, takes a while to get there though.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:06 | 3395666 Whoa Dammit
Whoa Dammit's picture

Banksters & Ben take on NASCAR by turning NASDAQ & NYSE into car races with an action game (followed by the movie) to attract the last of the sheeple money. Uncle Ben was quoted as saying "They all start with the letter N and go in circles, so it was a logical step forward. Plus Walmart has agreed to handle the branding of spin off products--I am particulariy proud of the bobble head doll collection they came up with --the first 3 will be me, Dimon, & Blankfien." <April Fools>

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:22 | 3395690 rustymason
rustymason's picture

Anyone who believes that these banksters are "fools," that they "don't learn from history," etc., is a fool himself. These "idiot" banksters are personally worth billion$ each, control trillions, and continue to get away with stealing everything our ancestors worked so hard for. We are the real fools for putting up with it.The Church warned us against these parasites for hundreds of years. It's time for a revolution.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:21 | 3395931 A82EBA
A82EBA's picture

I wonder if the admin would invite in 'police action' from other countries to hold down the rebellion should it take hold

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 12:07 | 3396121 worbsid
worbsid's picture


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:28 | 3395716 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Arrest that fucker. Tar and feather him and throw him out of the country.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:41 | 3395743 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

WHAT THE FUCK BERNANKE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER?  You can't be telling the truth like that you worthless sack of shit. Now I'm going to tell you what's going to happen you fucktard.  You are going to get this shit unfucked!  You are going to issue an immediate and total retraction and instead issue these remarks that Jamie, Lloyd, and me and the other guys wrote for you.

You fucking muppets can't handle the truth! Bitchez, we live a world that has printing presses, and those printers have to be guarded by men with guns, who's gonna do it? You? You Tyler Durden? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the European Union, and you curse the Federal Reserve. You have that luxury, you have that luxury of not knowing what I know. That the dollar's slow death made a few old white men wealthy, and it's unbacked existence and imaginary value, grotesque and incomprehensible to you, enables bankers to live large while providing nothing of value to our society. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that printer, you need me on that printer. We use words like greed, power, ego-stroking domination. We use these words as a backbone of a life spent defending something, you use them as a punch line. I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to a man that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very fiat dollars that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide them. I'd rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up an ink cartridge and man a press, either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:51 | 3395745 jjsilver
jjsilver's picture

Abolish the fed,create a public monetary commission that directly reports to the House. The federal government, instead of borrowing money from private bankers at interest, would create its own money directly interest-free, at plus or minus 3 percent of the gross national product. That commission would oversee the government's money creation.


sounds like Reichsführer SS Heinrich Himmler trying to save his ass when he realized that germany lost the war

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 10:59 | 3395830 spacecadet
spacecadet's picture

When the white man discovered this country, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, women did all the work.  White man thought he could improve on a system like this. -Cherokee

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:02 | 3395847 forrestdweller
forrestdweller's picture

back in the days of mr. keynes, investment was probably good for production and thus for jobs.

but now investment is speculation, and is only meant to make money.


Mon, 04/01/2013 - 13:40 | 3396491 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

These clowns M.O. is already well known to ZH'ers.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 14:39 | 3396682 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture


If only the Bernank would really make this confession, which if he read it he would know it to be the truth.

Mon, 04/01/2013 - 15:45 | 3396958 rich_wicks
rich_wicks's picture

Ah April 1st.

The one day you ignore absolutely everything, becaise 50% of it is total horseshit and it's a waste of time to try to sort out the manure from everything else.


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