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Friday Humor (#1): Meet The New (Normal) Chuck Norris

Tyler Durden's picture




 

It appears Chuck has finally met his match, and his name is Jamie...

  • Jamie Dimon is richer than you.
  • If you have Five dollars and Jamie Dimon has Five dollars, Jamie Dimon has more money than you.
  • When Jamie Dimon sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself.
  • Legend says that if you gather 7 predator skulls, you can summon Jamie Dimon.
  • When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Jamie Dimon.
  • Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Jamie Dimon is called Logic.
  • Jamie Dimon can cut through a hot knife with butter.
  • Jamie Dimon can slam a revolving door.
  • Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Jamie Dimon once caught AIDS… but then he let it go.
  • Jamie Dimon won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
  • He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Jamie Dimon … dies.
  • Jamie Dimon was born in a log cabin, that he built with his own hands.
  • Jamie Dimon’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  • Jamie Dimon once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, and won.
  • Jamie Dimon can judge a book by its cover.

(Courtesy of Wall Street Fool)

 

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Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503780 stinkhammer
stinkhammer's picture

I don't always drink beer

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:45 | 3503794 Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris's picture

When God said "Let there be fiat" Jamie Dimon said "say please"

 

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:55 | 3503823 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't give three shits what you may think is sound money.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:55 | 3503835 negative rates
negative rates's picture

And Walt Disney did not invent mickey mouse.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:01 | 3503866 kaiserhoff
Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:10 | 3503887 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

A rattle snake once bit Jamie, and it died.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:20 | 3503930 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I once got a tattoo of Jamie Dimon...the next day it had me removed.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:42 | 3503995 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Had burritos last night and took a giant Jamie Dimon this morning.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:49 | 3504024 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

But Jamie reached out from the bowl and flushed you down the toilet.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:02 | 3504049 akak
akak's picture

Jamie Dimon always wins at poker, with five jokers.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:49 | 3504176 BigJim
BigJim's picture

 Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.

I used to have a girlfriend like that 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:12 | 3504411 WhiteNight123129
WhiteNight123129's picture

Did she have a nice bird? How are your stones today?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 04:59 | 3509253 gold-is-not-dead
gold-is-not-dead's picture

Jamie Dimon once commented on zerohedge using interface on a washing machine.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:07 | 3504219 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Jamie Dimon always wins at the roadside shitting contest.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:54 | 3503830 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Jaime Dimon went to Fort Knox once.  The gold got so scared, it freaked out and shit four protons right there on the pallet. 

Ergo, tungsten.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:53 | 3503982 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Jamie Dimon got an award for masturbating in public.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:47 | 3503994 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

+1

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:52 | 3504187 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

Dude, you junked my plus. : )
Do you still beat your dog?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:06 | 3504750 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

lol. Truly.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:04 | 3503815 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

Goldfinger
The Sequel

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:48 | 3504020 Tango in the Blight
Tango in the Blight's picture

Jamie Dimon has a bigger member than Goldmember. But his is made of tungsten.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:32 | 3503956 TheGardener
TheGardener's picture

deleted

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:53 | 3504039 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Helen Keller's favorite color is Jamie Dimon.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503782 Smuckers
Smuckers's picture

Jamie Dimon can come in first and second at a circle jerk contest.

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:45 | 3503799 jimmytorpedo
jimmytorpedo's picture

And last 'cause he wants to eat the cracker.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:45 | 3504006 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Filming on location for Market Makers: Bloomberg News Jamie Dimon brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged back rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life, a crowd had gathered Jamie Dimon roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind Deirdre Bolton once more that Jamie giveth, and the good Jamie, he taketh away.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:43 | 3503783 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Left this out...

BIG JAMIE

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:51 | 3503818 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

When I first looked at this pic, there was a spot on my monitor right where the tank-top lady's right nipple is. I thought, my she looks happy. Then I scrolled.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:51 | 3503824 Sleepless Knight
Sleepless Knight's picture

Is that how Jamie Dimon gets a little head?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:58 | 3503844 negative rates
negative rates's picture

No, that's the square root of a psychiastrist your seein.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:52 | 3503831 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Jamie stopped going to the gym; his head started to look too small.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:00 | 3503834 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

He looks like the guy in the waiting room in Beetlejuice.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:07 | 3503880 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

"Is everything proportional?", she asked.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:54 | 3503890 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

"When we're done here,
I'll show you my empty vault."

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:08 | 3503939 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

"Girls, have you heard of the Tungsten Crawl?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:36 | 3503974 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

Jamie's got a nice set of moobs.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:10 | 3503998 IdeasRbulletproof
IdeasRbulletproof's picture

The thumbdown was from Jamie...

And his vote trumps all thumb ups

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:16 | 3504242 andrewp111
andrewp111's picture

Looks like he either had a visit with the headshrinker, or is just far away and close up at the same time, like Dr. Who's TARDIS?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503792 uno
uno's picture

Jamie Dimon is a hologram projection of Satan

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:58 | 3504029 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

Jamie Dimon kept Satan on as his driver,
because he liked his sense of humor.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503793 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Jesus wears a "What Would Jamie Do?" bracelet.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:54 | 3503840 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

So does Satan.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:58 | 3503856 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

"Well, isn't that special?" </Church Lady>

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:50 | 3504028 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Jamie Dimon owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker with a winning hand of a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:15 | 3503869 Agent P
Agent P's picture

So does Barack Obama.

Edit: Woops, looks like e_goldstein already posted this above.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:44 | 3503801 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

When google can't find Jamie when you type in"where is Jamie Dimon" , then he will be more of a bad ass than Chuck Norris. Until then he is just a low rate scumbag.

http://www.nochucknorris.com/

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503819 asscannon101
asscannon101's picture

Jamie Dimon once had sex with Carmen Electra and 6 minutes later she gave birth to a HUMVEE. True story.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:59 | 3504043 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

I heard it was 3 minutes and couldn't deliver. Her words.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503820 100pcDredge
100pcDredge's picture

Yeah sure... and  Bruce Lee is my recently resurrected nephew. But... can Jamie swim through maasive roads on land, like Chuck can? Ehm... could, maybe - no can! And Chuck is only 16 years older? So we'll see about this... here look:

http://28.media.tumblr.com/2w9XXXqFFqx11l5eJaL3hNZxo1_500.jpg

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:21 | 3503927 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Jesus walked on water -- Jamie Dimon can swim through the earth.

Once there was a street name Jamie Dimon road -- it's since been renamed; no one crosses Jamie Dimon and lives.

BTW 100pc, are you the resident pharmaceutical experiment and/or drunk?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:22 | 3504258 knukles
knukles's picture

Pharmaceutical rep.
Just think of it.....

I visited 400 doctors today and didn't take any pills at all...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503821 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't wear sunscreen; the sun wears Jamie Dimon screen.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:11 | 3504068 akak
akak's picture

Jamie Dimon traps wolverines with his bare hands, and skins them with his teeth.

Afterwards, the wolverine apologizes for having bled.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:54 | 3503822 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

Has ZH covered this already or did I miss it?

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/everything-is-rigged-the-bigge...

Everything Is Rigged: The Biggest Price-Fixing Scandal Ever

You may have heard of the Libor scandal, in which at least three – and perhaps as many as 16 – of the name-brand too-big-to-fail banks have been manipulating global interest rates, in the process messing around with the prices of upward of $500 trillion (that's trillion, with a "t") worth of financial instruments. When that sprawling con burst into public view last year, it was easily the biggest financial scandal in history – MIT professor Andrew Lo even said it "dwarfs by orders of magnitude any financial scam in the history of markets."

That was bad enough, but now Libor may have a twin brother. Word has leaked out that the London-based firm ICAP, the world's largest broker of interest-rate swaps, is being investigated by American authorities for behavior that sounds eerily reminiscent of the Libor mess. Regulators are looking into whether or not a small group of brokers at ICAP may have worked with up to 15 of the world's largest banks to manipulate ISDAfix, a benchmark number used around the world to calculate the prices of interest-rate swaps.

Interest-rate swaps are a tool used by big cities, major corporations and sovereign governments to manage their debt, and the scale of their use is almost unimaginably massive. It's about a $379 trillion market, meaning that any manipulation would affect a pile of assets about 100 times the size of the United States federal budget.

It should surprise no one that among the players implicated in this scheme to fix the prices of interest-rate swaps are the same megabanks – including Barclays, UBS, Bank of America, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland – that serve on the Libor panel that sets global interest rates. In fact, in recent years many of these banks have already paid multimillion-dollar settlements for anti-competitive manipulation of one form or another (in addition to Libor, some were caught up in an anti-competitive scheme, detailed in Rolling Stone last year, to rig municipal-debt service auctions). Though the jumble of financial acronyms sounds like gibberish to the layperson, the fact that there may now be price-fixing scandals involving both Libor and ISDAfix suggests a single, giant mushrooming conspiracy of collusion and price-fixing hovering under the ostensibly competitive veneer of Wall Street culture.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:55 | 3503837 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Yes, I now have it memorized.  Thx.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503839 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

That has been shared all over ZH today and it is a good thing.  That is a must read.  Should be main headline material.  Matt Taibi's red pill moment.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:01 | 3503868 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

I would hope that article might put an end to the ridiculous claim that large-scale conspiracies don't exist.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:07 | 3503886 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

All the normacly bias consensus reality people will just see how much farther they can drive their noses up each other's butts.  It smells like shit but it's home.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:20 | 3503919 Leopold B. Scotch
Leopold B. Scotch's picture

Nothing Matt couldn't have learned by reading a little Murray Rothbard --e.g. , "The Case Against the Fed", or "What Has The Government Done to Our Money", all available for free .pdf these days.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:02 | 3504048 RebelDevil
RebelDevil's picture

Let us cheer him on and hope for the best that he doesn't get fired from Rolling Stone.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:54 | 3503832 Cursive
Cursive's picture

Pretty shitty for Jamie Dimon if he actually has to bother sending his taxes in.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:56 | 3503841 Seize Mars
Seize Mars's picture

Jamie Dimon is a vain, arrogant fool who is a puppet with no real power. He is the Saruman to Rothschild's Sauron. He is an obvious crook and wouldn't know how to operate a profitable business - banking or otherwise - without the backup of state coercion. The absolute best thing one could say about him, and the pathos of his pettiness-is that one day he will be forgotten.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:24 | 3503942 logicalman
logicalman's picture

One day he'll be dead.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:55 | 3503845 CaptainSpaulding
Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:00 | 3503854 negative rates
negative rates's picture

Neither is Lenny Bruce.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:10 | 3503888 MillionDollarBoner_
MillionDollarBoner_'s picture

Shit!

Lenny Bruce is not afraid?!?

So, its TEOTWAWKI, right!?!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:21 | 3503932 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

Nice.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:56 | 3503847 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Jamie has special cufflinks, if he presses on the right one, SNAP cards get turned off, if he presses on the left one, EBT cards get turned off.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:01 | 3503861 Frastric
Frastric's picture

Jamie Dimon can do God's work... And put God to shame...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:01 | 3503865 debtor of last ...
debtor of last resort's picture

Narcism takes it's revenge on the death bed.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:22 | 3503935 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

+100.

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:47 | 3504018 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

The real lessons begin after the death bed - where there is nowhere to hide from oneself.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:27 | 3504266 knukles
knukles's picture

"The Bonus Round"

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:01 | 3503871 YHC-FTSE
YHC-FTSE's picture

Jamie didn't escape Aids. Aids escaped Jamie.

Jamie eats through his ass and shits through his mouth.

If you stand next to Jamie for longer than 5mins, all your hair falls out.

Jamie's fart can turn you into a large cap multinational on the NYSE. 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:06 | 3503879 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't wash his teapot, he causes a tempest in it.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:08 | 3503882 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Jamie Dimon is a reeky rump-fed scut with the face of an infectious onion-eyed codpiece.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:14 | 3504083 asscannon101
asscannon101's picture

And extra ^ to you, Sir for working 'codpiece' into your response. Not nearly enough usage of 'codpiece' these days, depite the fact there are so many out there deserving. Well played. I'm working on 'douchebaggery', myself...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:09 | 3503896 MillionDollarBoner_
MillionDollarBoner_'s picture

Jamie Dimon looks like a made man

Just sayin....

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:16 | 3503898 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

Didn't Sarkozy give Jamie beat down?  Or did Jamie get Sarkozy unelected? http://youtu.be/HIncMFtm1Kg?t=42m56s

I never heard Chuck Norris whine like Jamie:

"Well, not all bankers are the same. And I just think this constant refrain -- bankers, bankers, bankers, it's just -- it just doesn't -- it's really an unproductive and unfair way of treating people. And I just think people should stop doing that. I think that denigrates everything. Not all companies are the same, not all CEOs are the same, not all media is the same. And so I -- we try to do the best we can every day." - JD

 

Chuck Norris has been to Mars, that's why there is no life there.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:14 | 3503901 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

-- Jamie Dimon sold his soul to the devil for his boyish good looks and unparalleled market fixing abilities. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jamie bought the Devil's incumbant debt from God and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-- It is said that Jamie Dimon's tears cure cancer.  Too bad he never cries.

-- Jamie Dimon isn't hung like a horse -- horses are hung like Jamie Dimon.

-- Jamie Dimon once peed in a semi truck gas tank as a joke.  That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

-- Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Jamie Dimon stories.

-- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Jamie Dimon allows to live.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:38 | 3503992 Jackagain
Jackagain's picture

I heard Satan sold his soul to Jamie Dimon......for one share of JPM.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:13 | 3503905 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

just announced, jaimie dimon is taking over the dos equis commercials.  I dont play fair often but when I do, I talk myself out of it.

 

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:18 | 3503923 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Jamie Dimon can judge a cook by their crem brrulee.

Jamie Dimon does not put his pants on one leg at a time.

Jamie Dimon manages the Avenger's retirement accounts.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:21 | 3503931 Tinky
Tinky's picture

"I don't usually give a flying fuck about my underlings, but...hmmm, come to think of it, there are no 'buts'!"

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:30 | 3503965 monad
monad's picture

Jamie Dimon is no Keith Richards. Nuf sed

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:40 | 3503988 DirkDiggler11
DirkDiggler11's picture

Jamie outperformed the man from Nantucket. Jamie sucked not only his own cock, but the man from Nantucket's as well, at the same time even !!!

A true professional banker INDEED !!!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:38 | 3503989 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

There is no such thing as tornados.  Jamie Dimon just hates trailor parks.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:52 | 3504021 caribbeanbarry
caribbeanbarry's picture

Jamis Dimon don't give a shit !

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:56 | 3504038 Jackagain
Jackagain's picture

Jamie Dimon hunts and eats honey badgers alive with his bare hands.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:07 | 3504058 caribbeanbarry
caribbeanbarry's picture

H7N9 fears Jamie Dimon...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:22 | 3504082 Long_Xau
Long_Xau's picture

 

Jamie Dimon once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, and won.

Well, I can do that too, the trick is to convince the other players that you should have the last turn.

Similarly, the FED manages to successfuly play the game of getting something for nothing. The trick is to convince the other players that it should have the FIRST turn.
And it did, and it all went on from there. The FED is nothing more and nothing less than THE KEEPER of the TRADITION of the PONZI FRAUD.

In other words, the FED keeps a monopoly on Ponzi schemes (think about it, otherwise Madoff wouldn't be the only Wall st. fraudster in jail).

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:07 | 3504203 Yellowhoard
Yellowhoard's picture

When Jamie Dimon is hungry he takes whatever the nearest Honey Badger is eating and then fucks the Honey Badger to relax and then smacks the Honey Badger on the ass and tells it go find some more food because all of that sweet Honey Badger sex made him hungry again.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:38 | 3504299 Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

Jamie Dimon sees deadbeat depositors....

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:54 | 3504330 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Isn't "Jamie" a girl's name .... like Jamie Leigh Curtis .... like his parents really wanted a girl ?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:22 | 3504782 screw face
Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:51 | 3504853 kragsquest
kragsquest's picture

I remember what NY Times columnist William Safire said about grown men who choose boy names....I just hope these filthy SOBs have a safe haven to hide in because they are going to need it when tshtf....

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:23 | 3505141 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Jamie once made a blind man walk.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:24 | 3505143 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Jamie once thought of becoming a catholc priest until he realised this would limit the number of people he coukd screw.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:28 | 3505147 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Jamie has multiple personality disorder......and none of them has a heart.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:29 | 3505149 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

When Lloyd Blankfein says he does God's work he is referring to Jamie.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:34 | 3505150 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Jamie does not look at the mirror. The mirror actually looks at him.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:40 | 3505153 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

After Jamie dies, the devil will hang a sign saying, " no further vacancies".

When Jamie dies, the devil's succession plan will be complete,

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:41 | 3505155 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Jamie wears a camouflaged coloured condom so no one can see him coming.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 06:40 | 3505216 Esso
Esso's picture

Jamie Dimon is a kind & generous man. He will actually pay you 0.01%/year to hold your money for you. A meager $1,000,000 deposit will net you a cool $96 a year.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 14:47 | 3505807 Svendblaaskaeg
Svendblaaskaeg's picture

"Jamie Dimon’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through"

Bah! - I do that with IDCLIP all the time

 

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