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Friday Humor (#1): Meet The New (Normal) Chuck Norris
It appears Chuck has finally met his match, and his name is Jamie...
- Jamie Dimon is richer than you.
- If you have Five dollars and Jamie Dimon has Five dollars, Jamie Dimon has more money than you.
- When Jamie Dimon sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself.
- Legend says that if you gather 7 predator skulls, you can summon Jamie Dimon.
- When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Jamie Dimon.
- Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Jamie Dimon is called Logic.
- Jamie Dimon can cut through a hot knife with butter.
- Jamie Dimon can slam a revolving door.
- Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.
- Jamie Dimon once caught AIDS… but then he let it go.
- Jamie Dimon won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
- He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Jamie Dimon … dies.
- Jamie Dimon was born in a log cabin, that he built with his own hands.
- Jamie Dimon’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- Jamie Dimon once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, and won.
- Jamie Dimon can judge a book by its cover.
(Courtesy of Wall Street Fool)
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I don't always drink beer
When God said "Let there be fiat" Jamie Dimon said "say please"
Jamie Dimon doesn't give three shits what you may think is sound money.
And Walt Disney did not invent mickey mouse.
EVERY BODY KNOWS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDphyrGiaJE
A rattle snake once bit Jamie, and it died.
I once got a tattoo of Jamie Dimon...the next day it had me removed.
Had burritos last night and took a giant Jamie Dimon this morning.
But Jamie reached out from the bowl and flushed you down the toilet.
Jamie Dimon always wins at poker, with five jokers.
Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.
I used to have a girlfriend like that
Did she have a nice bird? How are your stones today?
Jamie Dimon once commented on zerohedge using interface on a washing machine.
Jamie Dimon always wins at the roadside shitting contest.
Jaime Dimon went to Fort Knox once. The gold got so scared, it freaked out and shit four protons right there on the pallet.
Ergo, tungsten.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Jamie Dimon got an award for masturbating in public.
+1
Dude, you junked my plus. : )
Do you still beat your dog?
lol. Truly.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Goldfinger
The Sequel
Jamie Dimon has a bigger member than Goldmember. But his is made of tungsten.
deleted
Helen Keller's favorite color is Jamie Dimon.
Jamie Dimon can come in first and second at a circle jerk contest.
And last 'cause he wants to eat the cracker.
Filming on location for Market Makers: Bloomberg News Jamie Dimon brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged back rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life, a crowd had gathered. Jamie Dimon roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind Deirdre Bolton once more that Jamie giveth, and the good Jamie, he taketh away.
Left this out...
When I first looked at this pic, there was a spot on my monitor right where the tank-top lady's right nipple is. I thought, my she looks happy. Then I scrolled.
Is that how Jamie Dimon gets a little head?
No, that's the square root of a psychiastrist your seein.
Jamie stopped going to the gym; his head started to look too small.
He looks like the guy in the waiting room in Beetlejuice.
"Is everything proportional?", she asked.
"When we're done here,
I'll show you my empty vault."
"Girls, have you heard of the Tungsten Crawl?
Jamie's got a nice set of moobs.
The thumbdown was from Jamie...
And his vote trumps all thumb ups
Looks like he either had a visit with the headshrinker, or is just far away and close up at the same time, like Dr. Who's TARDIS?
Jamie Dimon is a hologram projection of Satan
Jamie Dimon kept Satan on as his driver,
because he liked his sense of humor.
Jesus wears a "What Would Jamie Do?" bracelet.
So does Satan.
"Well, isn't that special?" </Church Lady>
Jamie Dimon owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker with a winning hand of a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
So does Barack Obama.
Edit: Woops, looks like e_goldstein already posted this above.
When google can't find Jamie when you type in"where is Jamie Dimon" , then he will be more of a bad ass than Chuck Norris. Until then he is just a low rate scumbag.
http://www.nochucknorris.com/
Jamie Dimon once had sex with Carmen Electra and 6 minutes later she gave birth to a HUMVEE. True story.
I heard it was 3 minutes and couldn't deliver. Her words.
Yeah sure... and Bruce Lee is my recently resurrected nephew. But... can Jamie swim through maasive roads on land, like Chuck can? Ehm... could, maybe - no can! And Chuck is only 16 years older? So we'll see about this... here look:
http://28.media.tumblr.com/2w9XXXqFFqx11l5eJaL3hNZxo1_500.jpg
Jesus walked on water -- Jamie Dimon can swim through the earth.
Once there was a street name Jamie Dimon road -- it's since been renamed; no one crosses Jamie Dimon and lives.
BTW 100pc, are you the resident pharmaceutical experiment and/or drunk?
Pharmaceutical rep.
Just think of it.....
I visited 400 doctors today and didn't take any pills at all...
Jamie Dimon doesn't wear sunscreen; the sun wears Jamie Dimon screen.
Jamie Dimon traps wolverines with his bare hands, and skins them with his teeth.
Afterwards, the wolverine apologizes for having bled.
Has ZH covered this already or did I miss it?
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/everything-is-rigged-the-bigge...
Everything Is Rigged: The Biggest Price-Fixing Scandal EverYou may have heard of the Libor scandal, in which at least three – and perhaps as many as 16 – of the name-brand too-big-to-fail banks have been manipulating global interest rates, in the process messing around with the prices of upward of $500 trillion (that's trillion, with a "t") worth of financial instruments. When that sprawling con burst into public view last year, it was easily the biggest financial scandal in history – MIT professor Andrew Lo even said it "dwarfs by orders of magnitude any financial scam in the history of markets."
That was bad enough, but now Libor may have a twin brother. Word has leaked out that the London-based firm ICAP, the world's largest broker of interest-rate swaps, is being investigated by American authorities for behavior that sounds eerily reminiscent of the Libor mess. Regulators are looking into whether or not a small group of brokers at ICAP may have worked with up to 15 of the world's largest banks to manipulate ISDAfix, a benchmark number used around the world to calculate the prices of interest-rate swaps.
Interest-rate swaps are a tool used by big cities, major corporations and sovereign governments to manage their debt, and the scale of their use is almost unimaginably massive. It's about a $379 trillion market, meaning that any manipulation would affect a pile of assets about 100 times the size of the United States federal budget.
It should surprise no one that among the players implicated in this scheme to fix the prices of interest-rate swaps are the same megabanks – including Barclays, UBS, Bank of America, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland – that serve on the Libor panel that sets global interest rates. In fact, in recent years many of these banks have already paid multimillion-dollar settlements for anti-competitive manipulation of one form or another (in addition to Libor, some were caught up in an anti-competitive scheme, detailed in Rolling Stone last year, to rig municipal-debt service auctions). Though the jumble of financial acronyms sounds like gibberish to the layperson, the fact that there may now be price-fixing scandals involving both Libor and ISDAfix suggests a single, giant mushrooming conspiracy of collusion and price-fixing hovering under the ostensibly competitive veneer of Wall Street culture.
Yes, I now have it memorized. Thx.
That has been shared all over ZH today and it is a good thing. That is a must read. Should be main headline material. Matt Taibi's red pill moment.
I would hope that article might put an end to the ridiculous claim that large-scale conspiracies don't exist.
All the normacly bias consensus reality people will just see how much farther they can drive their noses up each other's butts. It smells like shit but it's home.
Nothing Matt couldn't have learned by reading a little Murray Rothbard --e.g. , "The Case Against the Fed", or "What Has The Government Done to Our Money", all available for free .pdf these days.
Let us cheer him on and hope for the best that he doesn't get fired from Rolling Stone.
Pretty shitty for Jamie Dimon if he actually has to bother sending his taxes in.
Jamie Dimon is a vain, arrogant fool who is a puppet with no real power. He is the Saruman to Rothschild's Sauron. He is an obvious crook and wouldn't know how to operate a profitable business - banking or otherwise - without the backup of state coercion. The absolute best thing one could say about him, and the pathos of his pettiness-is that one day he will be forgotten.
One day he'll be dead.
Bruce Lee is not scared
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpbXCj2RqBw
Neither is Lenny Bruce.
Shit!
Lenny Bruce is not afraid?!?
So, its TEOTWAWKI, right!?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj2Zf9tlg2Y
Nice.
Jamie has special cufflinks, if he presses on the right one, SNAP cards get turned off, if he presses on the left one, EBT cards get turned off.
Jamie Dimon can do God's work... And put God to shame...
Narcism takes it's revenge on the death bed.
+100.
The real lessons begin after the death bed - where there is nowhere to hide from oneself.
"The Bonus Round"
Jamie didn't escape Aids. Aids escaped Jamie.
Jamie eats through his ass and shits through his mouth.
If you stand next to Jamie for longer than 5mins, all your hair falls out.
Jamie's fart can turn you into a large cap multinational on the NYSE.
Jamie Dimon doesn't wash his teapot, he causes a tempest in it.
Jamie Dimon is a reeky rump-fed scut with the face of an infectious onion-eyed codpiece.
And extra ^ to you, Sir for working 'codpiece' into your response. Not nearly enough usage of 'codpiece' these days, depite the fact there are so many out there deserving. Well played. I'm working on 'douchebaggery', myself...
Jamie Dimon looks like a made man
Just sayin....
Didn't Sarkozy give Jamie beat down? Or did Jamie get Sarkozy unelected? http://youtu.be/HIncMFtm1Kg?t=42m56s
I never heard Chuck Norris whine like Jamie:
"Well, not all bankers are the same. And I just think this constant refrain -- bankers, bankers, bankers, it's just -- it just doesn't -- it's really an unproductive and unfair way of treating people. And I just think people should stop doing that. I think that denigrates everything. Not all companies are the same, not all CEOs are the same, not all media is the same. And so I -- we try to do the best we can every day." - JD
Chuck Norris has been to Mars, that's why there is no life there.
-- Jamie Dimon sold his soul to the devil for his boyish good looks and unparalleled market fixing abilities. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Jamie bought the Devil's incumbant debt from God and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
-- It is said that Jamie Dimon's tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
-- Jamie Dimon isn't hung like a horse -- horses are hung like Jamie Dimon.
-- Jamie Dimon once peed in a semi truck gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
-- Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Jamie Dimon stories.
-- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Jamie Dimon allows to live.
I heard Satan sold his soul to Jamie Dimon......for one share of JPM.
just announced, jaimie dimon is taking over the dos equis commercials. I dont play fair often but when I do, I talk myself out of it.
Jamie Dimon can judge a cook by their crem brrulee.
Jamie Dimon does not put his pants on one leg at a time.
Jamie Dimon manages the Avenger's retirement accounts.
"I don't usually give a flying fuck about my underlings, but...hmmm, come to think of it, there are no 'buts'!"
Jamie Dimon is no Keith Richards. Nuf sed
Jamie outperformed the man from Nantucket. Jamie sucked not only his own cock, but the man from Nantucket's as well, at the same time even !!!
A true professional banker INDEED !!!
There is no such thing as tornados. Jamie Dimon just hates trailor parks.
http://4closurefraud.org/2013/04/12/beat-da-rap-by-shady-d/
Jamis Dimon don't give a shit !
Jamie Dimon hunts and eats honey badgers alive with his bare hands.
H7N9 fears Jamie Dimon...
Well, I can do that too, the trick is to convince the other players that you should have the last turn.
Similarly, the FED manages to successfuly play the game of getting something for nothing. The trick is to convince the other players that it should have the FIRST turn.
And it did, and it all went on from there. The FED is nothing more and nothing less than THE KEEPER of the TRADITION of the PONZI FRAUD.
In other words, the FED keeps a monopoly on Ponzi schemes (think about it, otherwise Madoff wouldn't be the only Wall st. fraudster in jail).
When Jamie Dimon is hungry he takes whatever the nearest Honey Badger is eating and then fucks the Honey Badger to relax and then smacks the Honey Badger on the ass and tells it go find some more food because all of that sweet Honey Badger sex made him hungry again.
Jamie Dimon sees deadbeat depositors....
Isn't "Jamie" a girl's name .... like Jamie Leigh Curtis .... like his parents really wanted a girl ?
Jamie is the missing link.
https://www.google.com/search?q=jamie+dimon+cufflinks&hl=en&client=firef...
I remember what NY Times columnist William Safire said about grown men who choose boy names....I just hope these filthy SOBs have a safe haven to hide in because they are going to need it when tshtf....
Jamie once made a blind man walk.
Jamie once thought of becoming a catholc priest until he realised this would limit the number of people he coukd screw.
Jamie has multiple personality disorder......and none of them has a heart.
When Lloyd Blankfein says he does God's work he is referring to Jamie.
Jamie does not look at the mirror. The mirror actually looks at him.
After Jamie dies, the devil will hang a sign saying, " no further vacancies".
When Jamie dies, the devil's succession plan will be complete,
Jamie wears a camouflaged coloured condom so no one can see him coming.
Jamie Dimon is a kind & generous man. He will actually pay you 0.01%/year to hold your money for you. A meager $1,000,000 deposit will net you a cool $96 a year.
"Jamie Dimon’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through"
Bah! - I do that with IDCLIP all the time