Friday Humor (#1): Meet The New (Normal) Chuck Norris

Tyler Durden's picture

It appears Chuck has finally met his match, and his name is Jamie...

  • Jamie Dimon is richer than you.
  • If you have Five dollars and Jamie Dimon has Five dollars, Jamie Dimon has more money than you.
  • When Jamie Dimon sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself.
  • Legend says that if you gather 7 predator skulls, you can summon Jamie Dimon.
  • When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Jamie Dimon.
  • Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Jamie Dimon is called Logic.
  • Jamie Dimon can cut through a hot knife with butter.
  • Jamie Dimon can slam a revolving door.
  • Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Jamie Dimon once caught AIDS… but then he let it go.
  • Jamie Dimon won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
  • He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Jamie Dimon … dies.
  • Jamie Dimon was born in a log cabin, that he built with his own hands.
  • Jamie Dimon’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  • Jamie Dimon once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, and won.
  • Jamie Dimon can judge a book by its cover.

(Courtesy of Wall Street Fool)

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stinkhammer's picture

I don't always drink beer

Chuck Norris's picture

When God said "Let there be fiat" Jamie Dimon said "say please"



sunaJ's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't give three shits what you may think is sound money.

Fish Gone Bad's picture

A rattle snake once bit Jamie, and it died.

Agent P's picture

I once got a tattoo of Jamie Dimon...the next day it had me removed.

Skateboarder's picture

Had burritos last night and took a giant Jamie Dimon this morning.

SilverIsKing's picture

But Jamie reached out from the bowl and flushed you down the toilet.

akak's picture

Jamie Dimon always wins at poker, with five jokers.

BigJim's picture

 Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.

I used to have a girlfriend like that 

WhiteNight123129's picture

Did she have a nice bird? How are your stones today?

gold-is-not-dead's picture

Jamie Dimon once commented on zerohedge using interface on a washing machine.

Angus McHugepenis's picture

Jamie Dimon always wins at the roadside shitting contest.

ParkAveFlasher's picture

Jaime Dimon went to Fort Knox once.  The gold got so scared, it freaked out and shit four protons right there on the pallet. 

Ergo, tungsten.

Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Jamie Dimon got an award for masturbating in public.

freewolf7's picture

Dude, you junked my plus. : )
Do you still beat your dog?

freewolf7's picture

lol. Truly.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Tango in the Blight's picture

Jamie Dimon has a bigger member than Goldmember. But his is made of tungsten.

Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Helen Keller's favorite color is Jamie Dimon.

Smuckers's picture

Jamie Dimon can come in first and second at a circle jerk contest.


jimmytorpedo's picture

And last 'cause he wants to eat the cracker.

Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Filming on location for Market Makers: Bloomberg News Jamie Dimon brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged back rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life, a crowd had gathered Jamie Dimon roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind Deirdre Bolton once more that Jamie giveth, and the good Jamie, he taketh away.

NotApplicable's picture

When I first looked at this pic, there was a spot on my monitor right where the tank-top lady's right nipple is. I thought, my she looks happy. Then I scrolled.

Sleepless Knight's picture

Is that how Jamie Dimon gets a little head?

Miss Expectations's picture

Jamie stopped going to the gym; his head started to look too small.

freewolf7's picture

He looks like the guy in the waiting room in Beetlejuice.

freewolf7's picture

"Is everything proportional?", she asked.

freewolf7's picture

"When we're done here,
I'll show you my empty vault."

freewolf7's picture

"Girls, have you heard of the Tungsten Crawl?

waterhorse's picture

Jamie's got a nice set of moobs.

IdeasRbulletproof's picture

The thumbdown was from Jamie...

And his vote trumps all thumb ups

andrewp111's picture

Looks like he either had a visit with the headshrinker, or is just far away and close up at the same time, like Dr. Who's TARDIS?

uno's picture

Jamie Dimon is a hologram projection of Satan

freewolf7's picture

Jamie Dimon kept Satan on as his driver,
because he liked his sense of humor.

McMolotov's picture

Jesus wears a "What Would Jamie Do?" bracelet.

McMolotov's picture

"Well, isn't that special?" </Church Lady>

Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Jamie Dimon owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker with a winning hand of a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Agent P's picture

So does Barack Obama.

Edit: Woops, looks like e_goldstein already posted this above.

Dr. Engali's picture

When google can't find Jamie when you type in"where is Jamie Dimon" , then he will be more of a bad ass than Chuck Norris. Until then he is just a low rate scumbag.

asscannon101's picture

Jamie Dimon once had sex with Carmen Electra and 6 minutes later she gave birth to a HUMVEE. True story.

freewolf7's picture

I heard it was 3 minutes and couldn't deliver. Her words.

100pcDredge's picture

Yeah sure... and  Bruce Lee is my recently resurrected nephew. But... can Jamie swim through maasive roads on land, like Chuck can? Ehm... could, maybe - no can! And Chuck is only 16 years older? So we'll see about this... here look:


Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Jesus walked on water -- Jamie Dimon can swim through the earth.

Once there was a street name Jamie Dimon road -- it's since been renamed; no one crosses Jamie Dimon and lives.

BTW 100pc, are you the resident pharmaceutical experiment and/or drunk?

knukles's picture

Pharmaceutical rep.
Just think of it.....

I visited 400 doctors today and didn't take any pills at all...

CrimsonAvenger's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't wear sunscreen; the sun wears Jamie Dimon screen.