• Gold Money
    05/26/2016 - 14:27
    Here’s a question that might have you pondering: Is gold a commodity? More importantly, are we doing a disservice to the gold industry by calling gold a commodity? These may sound like silly...

Friday Humor (#1): Meet The New (Normal) Chuck Norris

Tyler Durden's picture


It appears Chuck has finally met his match, and his name is Jamie...

  • Jamie Dimon is richer than you.
  • If you have Five dollars and Jamie Dimon has Five dollars, Jamie Dimon has more money than you.
  • When Jamie Dimon sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself.
  • Legend says that if you gather 7 predator skulls, you can summon Jamie Dimon.
  • When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Jamie Dimon.
  • Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Jamie Dimon is called Logic.
  • Jamie Dimon can cut through a hot knife with butter.
  • Jamie Dimon can slam a revolving door.
  • Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Jamie Dimon once caught AIDS… but then he let it go.
  • Jamie Dimon won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
  • He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Jamie Dimon … dies.
  • Jamie Dimon was born in a log cabin, that he built with his own hands.
  • Jamie Dimon’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  • Jamie Dimon once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol, and won.
  • Jamie Dimon can judge a book by its cover.

(Courtesy of Wall Street Fool)

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Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503780 stinkhammer
stinkhammer's picture

I don't always drink beer

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:45 | 3503794 Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris's picture

When God said "Let there be fiat" Jamie Dimon said "say please"



Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:55 | 3503823 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't give three shits what you may think is sound money.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:01 | 3503866 kaiserhoff
Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:10 | 3503887 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

A rattle snake once bit Jamie, and it died.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:20 | 3503930 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I once got a tattoo of Jamie Dimon...the next day it had me removed.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:42 | 3503995 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Had burritos last night and took a giant Jamie Dimon this morning.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:49 | 3504024 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

But Jamie reached out from the bowl and flushed you down the toilet.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:02 | 3504049 akak
akak's picture

Jamie Dimon always wins at poker, with five jokers.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:49 | 3504176 BigJim
BigJim's picture

 Jamie Dimon can kill two stones with one bird.

I used to have a girlfriend like that 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:12 | 3504411 WhiteNight123129
WhiteNight123129's picture

Did she have a nice bird? How are your stones today?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 04:59 | 3509253 gold-is-not-dead
gold-is-not-dead's picture

Jamie Dimon once commented on zerohedge using interface on a washing machine.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:07 | 3504219 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Jamie Dimon always wins at the roadside shitting contest.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:54 | 3503830 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Jaime Dimon went to Fort Knox once.  The gold got so scared, it freaked out and shit four protons right there on the pallet. 

Ergo, tungsten.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:53 | 3503982 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Jamie Dimon got an award for masturbating in public.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:47 | 3503994 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:52 | 3504187 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

Dude, you junked my plus. : )
Do you still beat your dog?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:06 | 3504750 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

lol. Truly.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:04 | 3503815 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

The Sequel

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:48 | 3504020 Tango in the Blight
Tango in the Blight's picture

Jamie Dimon has a bigger member than Goldmember. But his is made of tungsten.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:32 | 3503956 TheGardener
TheGardener's picture


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:53 | 3504039 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Helen Keller's favorite color is Jamie Dimon.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503782 Smuckers
Smuckers's picture

Jamie Dimon can come in first and second at a circle jerk contest.


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:45 | 3503799 jimmytorpedo
jimmytorpedo's picture

And last 'cause he wants to eat the cracker.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:45 | 3504006 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Filming on location for Market Makers: Bloomberg News Jamie Dimon brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged back rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life, a crowd had gathered Jamie Dimon roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind Deirdre Bolton once more that Jamie giveth, and the good Jamie, he taketh away.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:43 | 3503783 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Left this out...


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:51 | 3503818 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

When I first looked at this pic, there was a spot on my monitor right where the tank-top lady's right nipple is. I thought, my she looks happy. Then I scrolled.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:51 | 3503824 Sleepless Knight
Sleepless Knight's picture

Is that how Jamie Dimon gets a little head?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:52 | 3503831 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Jamie stopped going to the gym; his head started to look too small.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:00 | 3503834 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

He looks like the guy in the waiting room in Beetlejuice.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:07 | 3503880 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

"Is everything proportional?", she asked.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:54 | 3503890 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

"When we're done here,
I'll show you my empty vault."

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:08 | 3503939 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

"Girls, have you heard of the Tungsten Crawl?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:36 | 3503974 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

Jamie's got a nice set of moobs.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 18:10 | 3503998 IdeasRbulletproof
IdeasRbulletproof's picture

The thumbdown was from Jamie...

And his vote trumps all thumb ups

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:16 | 3504242 andrewp111
andrewp111's picture

Looks like he either had a visit with the headshrinker, or is just far away and close up at the same time, like Dr. Who's TARDIS?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503792 uno
uno's picture

Jamie Dimon is a hologram projection of Satan

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:58 | 3504029 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

Jamie Dimon kept Satan on as his driver,
because he liked his sense of humor.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:42 | 3503793 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Jesus wears a "What Would Jamie Do?" bracelet.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:54 | 3503840 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

So does Satan.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:58 | 3503856 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

"Well, isn't that special?" </Church Lady>

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:50 | 3504028 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Jamie Dimon owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker with a winning hand of a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:15 | 3503869 Agent P
Agent P's picture

So does Barack Obama.

Edit: Woops, looks like e_goldstein already posted this above.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:44 | 3503801 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

When google can't find Jamie when you type in"where is Jamie Dimon" , then he will be more of a bad ass than Chuck Norris. Until then he is just a low rate scumbag.


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503819 asscannon101
asscannon101's picture

Jamie Dimon once had sex with Carmen Electra and 6 minutes later she gave birth to a HUMVEE. True story.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:59 | 3504043 freewolf7
freewolf7's picture

I heard it was 3 minutes and couldn't deliver. Her words.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503820 100pcDredge
100pcDredge's picture

Yeah sure... and  Bruce Lee is my recently resurrected nephew. But... can Jamie swim through maasive roads on land, like Chuck can? Ehm... could, maybe - no can! And Chuck is only 16 years older? So we'll see about this... here look:



Fri, 04/26/2013 - 17:21 | 3503927 Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island
Jekyll_n_Hyde_Island's picture

Jesus walked on water -- Jamie Dimon can swim through the earth.

Once there was a street name Jamie Dimon road -- it's since been renamed; no one crosses Jamie Dimon and lives.

BTW 100pc, are you the resident pharmaceutical experiment and/or drunk?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 19:22 | 3504258 knukles
knukles's picture

Pharmaceutical rep.
Just think of it.....

I visited 400 doctors today and didn't take any pills at all...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 16:53 | 3503821 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

Jamie Dimon doesn't wear sunscreen; the sun wears Jamie Dimon screen.

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