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Friday Humor (#2): The Russian 'Jim Cramer'?

Tyler Durden's picture





 

As the world looks ominously in the direction of Chechnya, we thought this clip of the far less serious 'artist of the Chechen Republic' may be of interest as well as amusement. Watch as the Russian Jim Cramer-ubercaffeination and exuberance equivalent, Nikita Dzhigurda, explains to this novice trader how to buy $1 million worth of Facebook shares..."are you sure?" the trader anxiously asks... and instead of the ubiquitous "Buy, Buy, Buy" we hear claxoned day after day usually accompanied by cow sounds; the hirsute adviser, once diagnosed with 'hypo-manic psychosis' and currently spitting image of Rob Zombie, delivers the punchline, "yeah, fuck it!" Because nobody does things in Russia half-assed.

 

 


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Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:07 | Link to Comment Chuck Bone
Chuck Bone's picture

He doesn't just buy Bear Sterns, he wrestles them.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:13 | Link to Comment nmewn
nmewn's picture

"Bears fine! There's nothing wrong with Bear!"

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:48 | Link to Comment FoeHammer
FoeHammer's picture

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPc16cuQJR0

Don't move your money from Bear! That's just being silly! Don't be silly!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:39 | Link to Comment RebelDevil
RebelDevil's picture

Followup: Cowardly fear of failure.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XY3_IuCRYA

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:40 | Link to Comment Manthong
Manthong's picture

I wonder if we could get this guy to do the same skit but showing Jamie Dimon how to short a few hundred thousand GS. 

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 02:40 | Link to Comment Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

Looks like poor Mr. Fox didn't buy facebook and ended up getting stuffed instead..

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 10:38 | Link to Comment Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

Dude sounds like the Sesame Street character Count Dracula. Ha Ha Ha Ha.....

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:07 | Link to Comment smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

if interested here is some more from this guy...pretty funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN8NaeZrAfI

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:34 | Link to Comment xtop23
xtop23's picture

Boris, no comment? The only reason I clicked it was to see if you'd posted.

Za zdorovje, comrade.

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:05 | Link to Comment ShakaZulu
ShakaZulu's picture

Whaddya mean?  This is Boris!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 23:19 | Link to Comment Tracerfan
Tracerfan's picture

Dude, we have very similar photos/avatars

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 00:19 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Hmm, that's enough to shockaZulu! :>D

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:12 | Link to Comment toys for tits
toys for tits's picture

Mail order husband time, American ladies.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:24 | Link to Comment LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Or American madies.  Looks pretty fabulous to me.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:15 | Link to Comment Clayton Bigsby
Clayton Bigsby's picture

Reminds me more of Randy "Macho Man" Savage... "Yeaaaaaaahhh. Elizabeth..." - Where is George "The Animal" Steele to kick his monkey ass????

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:16 | Link to Comment Clayton Bigsby
Clayton Bigsby's picture

Snap into a Slim Jim!!!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:28 | Link to Comment vulcanraven
vulcanraven's picture

(Cramer)

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 03:15 | Link to Comment ebear
ebear's picture

Russian pair trade:

Long moose, short squirrel.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 11:38 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

LOL

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 05:37 | Link to Comment Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

I can see why that fox on the desk looks depressed.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 08:38 | Link to Comment Kickaha
Kickaha's picture

You'd look depressed, too, if you were dead, stuffed, and perched on some wunderkind sociopathic stock trader's desk as his good-luck talisman.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:11 | Link to Comment Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

So that's where my 80's wardrobe was recycled to.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:13 | Link to Comment palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Suspect 3

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:15 | Link to Comment toys for tits
toys for tits's picture

Does everything he eats turn to hair?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:31 | Link to Comment The Second Rule
The Second Rule's picture

In Russia, disco wardrobe finds you.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:04 | Link to Comment Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Thanks for the good-night laugh out loud. ;)

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:16 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Bah Bah Bah Borscht!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:11 | Link to Comment SolidSnake961
SolidSnake961's picture

wish there were subtitles

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:18 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I wish the cameraman would fucking stand still.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:10 | Link to Comment css1971
css1971's picture

Why don't we have traders like that in London?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:16 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

I didn't know Lemmy of Motorhead was a trader!

 

THE ACE OF TRADES!

THE ACE OF TRADES!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:19 | Link to Comment A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

You asked for it.......  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iwC2QljLn4

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:21 | Link to Comment IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

FUCKING METAL

 

THE ACE OF TRADES (lyrics L. Kilmisterov)

If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
You win some, lose some, it's - all - the same to me
The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Trades
The Ace Of Trades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil(JPM),
Going with the flow, it's all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stakes or split,
The Ace Of Trades
The Ace Of Trades

You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live forever,
And don't forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you've got to see me,
Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be,
The Ace Of Trades
The Ace Of Trades

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 13:13 | Link to Comment Long_Xau
Long_Xau's picture

It might have been like that in the 80's. In today's markets though, this is how the Ace of Trades looks like:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RBSkq-_St8

And also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nTjBHiH-gc

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:13 | Link to Comment BubbleBobble
BubbleBobble's picture

To get English subtitles:  

Hover over the video.  Click the 'CC' icon.    Choose 'Russian (automatic captions)' first,  then choose 'Translate Captions (beta), then choose English in the drop-down, then prepare to laugh your ass off, then prepare to give up all hope on emerging markets.

 

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:02 | Link to Comment RebelDevil
RebelDevil's picture

The youtube translator is hillarious! It's so illogical, that I highly doubt it's a good translation.
Ohwell, fuck it, this guy's fucking awesome! :D

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:43 | Link to Comment smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

dude...it made more sense when i did not know what he was saying...the captions were like kung fu movies were words and mouths make no sense......we need to translate the translation........say your prays and take your vitiamins...cause whatcha gonna do   when that crazy fuckin russian runs wild over you...brother

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:14 | Link to Comment A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

That will give me nightmares.......

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:14 | Link to Comment Divine Wind
Divine Wind's picture

 

 

 

Reminds me of some of the characters from the old TV show Big Time Wrestling.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:23 | Link to Comment HowardBeale
HowardBeale's picture

I would trust this guy with my 16-year-old daughter well before I would let Cramer--or his fetid doppleganger, Kudlow--anywhere on the same planet with her. Better to be fucked than eaten...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:27 | Link to Comment A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Cramer and Kudlow ARE on the same planet with her, you doofus...........

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:10 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

.... but they are not with her .... his syntax is a little weird .... like he would trust them with her .... if they were on separate planets .... he's a father .... think Family Guy .... and his daughter is Cristina Applegate ?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:26 | Link to Comment Jim in MN
Jim in MN's picture

 

 

Subtitles:

 

In Putin's Russia, bubble blows you!!!!  

 

Now I am crazy man laughing!!!! 

 

What was that in my drink?!?!?!?!

 

OH SHIT METEOR

 

<end transmission>

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:36 | Link to Comment OneArmBandit
OneArmBandit's picture

At the end he says:

See you all at the Board of Directors' meeting!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:37 | Link to Comment Eahudimac
Eahudimac's picture

Long cocaine. Until Cramer ODs.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:46 | Link to Comment Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

He would be a big win for CNBC, I would even start watching it.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:12 | Link to Comment Dave Thomas
Dave Thomas's picture

If they could replace Steve Liesman with a non stop loop of the Trolololo guy too it would be Must See TV!

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 11:28 | Link to Comment resurger
resurger's picture

lol ... this world is seriously fucked

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:31 | Link to Comment The Second Rule
Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:00 | Link to Comment dogbreath
dogbreath's picture

He came too soon and left too early.   I miss the WallStreetPro.   I hope he comes back, we need him.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:26 | Link to Comment Magnum
Magnum's picture

There he is. Youtube legend. Bring him back.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:31 | Link to Comment The Second Rule
The Second Rule's picture

I hope he didn't get "got."

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:32 | Link to Comment Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Not bad, but, Cramer's 'hypo-manic psychosis' still beats. Keep trying Dzhigurda, you'll get there one day.

Meanwhile, the kid is probably getting twenty calls an hour now to transfer his 401k to Fidelity.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:06 | Link to Comment ShakaZulu
ShakaZulu's picture

If this guy was my preacher, more people would go to church.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:16 | Link to Comment Diogenes
Diogenes's picture

Ha ha ha ha ha that's some funny shit. He reminds me of my Uncle Archie from Kapuskasing before the logging accident.  I think I will watch it again, this time with subtitles.

Later......................

He makes as much sense as my Uncle Archie after the logging accident.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:19 | Link to Comment They Tried to S...
They Tried to Steal My Gold's picture

Klingon trading platform?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:21 | Link to Comment Magnum
Magnum's picture

ZH should sponsor Walstreet2 to do some more videos. I can't even find his originals on youtube now...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:19 | Link to Comment jwoop66
jwoop66's picture

Just like I've always heard; Americans are so dumb and europeans(asians, africans, mid-easterners) are so much smarter than we.  This guy knows what he is doing.   We should be more like them.   Go Obama!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 23:54 | Link to Comment soopy
soopy's picture

In Soviet Russia, Facebook IPO YOU!!!

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 00:32 | Link to Comment omi
omi's picture

I think that's some actor and he showed up in some trading firm and says "so now all the social networking sites are popular, and guess what? we didn't buy InContact (Russian Facebook), so let's buy facebook!"

I think it's a commedy sketch as I didn't see the ticker move 40K shares.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 00:36 | Link to Comment hamstercheese
hamstercheese's picture

...this world is so fucked up.  Really...

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 01:20 | Link to Comment jeebus
jeebus's picture

Everyone I know who owns FB shares is a moron.

 

 

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 03:37 | Link to Comment The Heart
The Heart's picture

Yeah, humor.

Now they are making people sign in to see these videos that are very revealing of the falicies of the boston crises actors gathering. The stinkiness is louder than ever, and the nation ticks on towards oblivion?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkXvxs_kzLU

Is this for real?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj0-Jd3nwlo

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:41 | Link to Comment Trampy
Trampy's picture

oops

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 05:45 | Link to Comment Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture

Isn't that the CNBS Fast Money dude letting his hair down...and doing his report from a remote location?

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 06:32 | Link to Comment Colonial Intent
Colonial Intent's picture

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The bible says in Proverbs 13:22…But the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. Those of us that are spiritual can sense and discern that there is a transfer of wealth that is ordained to happen in this season of our lives.

Having established that, I come to you with good news which I believe is a vehicle that God can use to begin the transfer in your and my life

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a Pastor in Florida who connected with this company, and within weeks he broke through financially.

He then introduced it to his church, and many of them got on board…since then he has seen a 40% increase in Tithes and Offerings! When I heard his testimony, I immediately knew that this was an open door for the Body of Christ to be free from financial bondage to fulfill the calling on our lives. I was directed by the Lord to reach out to you and share this information that I know will bless you.

Here’s what I’m asking you to do:

1. Listen to a 2 minute recorded testimony of how a Pastor in Florida broke through financially for his church and in his personal life.
Conference Call Number- (641) 715-3900
Extension- 211763

2. Next, go to: http://www.leadcapturepageboss.com/increaseme1@gmail.com
For a brief video and overview of the company!
*Please fill in the required fields.

3. Reply to this email, and in the Subject Line write: “Send me more information.” And I will quickly respond to you and answer any question that you might have.

www.rocketcashcycler.com/join/IncreaseMe1
(To view the company & to “Join”)

I sincerely believe this is an answer to your prayer! Let’s connect!

 

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 07:06 | Link to Comment Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture

re: "a Pastor in Florida"

Pastor Jim Bakker, convicted felon?

 

Up until 1987, televangelist Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Faye were living in extravagance. The way they told it, prosperity was a gift from God, and He had blessed them with an army of followers and immense personal fortunes. The PTL ministry had a burn rate of $500,000 per day. Everything seemed to be going perfectly. But then Jim was caught fucking anything with a pulse and they could no longer conceal their egregious cash skimming.

 

Jim got snagged funneling $265,000 in hush money to virginal church secretary Jessica Hahn, in order to cover up their adulterous tryst. Suddenly the Bakkers became pariahs. All of their friends deserted them. Even fellow Assemblies of God minister Jimmy Swaggart took some unnecessary potshots, just for fun and just to be a dick. Swaggart went on CNN and told Larry King that Jim was a "cancer in the body of Christ."

 

Bakker's rival and business competitor Jerry Falwell was called in to rescue the PTL ministry along with its Heritage USA theme park, but Falwell had a much different goal. Years later, he described his brief stint as head of PTL this way:

 

 

"God sent me there to bring an abrupt end to the immorality and financial fraud of this 'religious soap opera' that had become an international embarrassment to the Christian gospel."

The Bakkers and their empire had blown through $158 million of their ministry's donations. In his self-serving confession I Was Wrong, Jim admitted squandering church money on luxury cars and six mansions. When he got caught, there were 47 separate bank accounts in Jim's name.

 

from: http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/religion/televangelists/jim-bakker/

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 09:37 | Link to Comment sablya
sablya's picture

"an open door for the Body of Christ to be free from financial bondage"

 

They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption.

(2 Peter 2:19)

 

Shame on you for dragging the name of the Lord Jesus Christ through the mud!  The gospel is not about earthly riches but about eternal riches.  

 

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves

break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys

and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

(Matthew 6:19-21 ESV)

 

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the

Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of

God abides forever.  (1 John 2:15-17)

 


Sat, 04/27/2013 - 10:32 | Link to Comment Colonial Intent
Colonial Intent's picture

Those passages are very commendable words, I however have problems with that particular book, colossians 3:22 for example.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:11 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Oh that's Jamies favorite.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 17:14 | Link to Comment sablya
sablya's picture

There is the implied caveat of obeying except in contradiction to the word of God.  If your boss tells you to murder, you mustn't obey that.  For instance, as Peter said, "We must obey God rather than men." (Acts 5:29).  

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 17:23 | Link to Comment sablya
sablya's picture

And your true colors are immediately apparent.  

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 07:11 | Link to Comment nomoreoil
nomoreoil's picture

How has Nikita become 'artist of the Chechen Republic' ???

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 09:15 | Link to Comment stant
stant's picture

facebook has built in zucker magnent

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 10:26 | Link to Comment The Fonz...befo...
The Fonz...before shark jump's picture

This guy would triple cnbc ratings....they better get him...

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 11:41 | Link to Comment Lmo Mutton
Lmo Mutton's picture

Where is Boris when you need him to translate?

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:10 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Russia is have Boris as vodka headache on morning

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:37 | Link to Comment Comrade de Chaos
Comrade de Chaos's picture

Well, his last sentence was - "Well Zukenberg, We will meet at the directors board meeting..,lol " 

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 13:03 | Link to Comment QuickFrozen
Sat, 04/27/2013 - 15:56 | Link to Comment Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

"He's a meme along with a botched taxidermy fox that's briefly showed in that video, "Stoned Fox"." 

My Russian wife wrote that missive on FacePlant.  I just called her into the office to explain and I got the waving hand treatment.(meaning he is an idiot)  Apparently, he is some sort of showman over there.  He was buying FaceBook stock in that video.

I have attempted to get Mrs. M to sign up for a ZH account as she has worked in Russian finance and her Mother still does.(They are chattering on Skype now)  Mrs. M likes ZH but just does not want to do commentary on a Western financial site.  I will ask her again, but they are Russians so pretty much forget it.

One of the biggest issues with Russians of the 30-40 age group of today, is trust.  You have to remember what they went through.  They were born soviet citizens but could not stay soviet.  They were indoctrinated as children as to how great the state was in their formative years and they were to be "Pioneers" into the great socialism of the world.  That whole statist notion failed in their teens when the Soviet Union collapsed and information was allowed to be passed through via the Internet.  Now, that age group seems to question everything and they believe in no one. 

A lost generation of Russia's own.  I hope they write about their experiences.

      

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