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Friday Humor (#2): The Russian 'Jim Cramer'?

Tyler Durden's picture


As the world looks ominously in the direction of Chechnya, we thought this clip of the far less serious 'artist of the Chechen Republic' may be of interest as well as amusement. Watch as the Russian Jim Cramer-ubercaffeination and exuberance equivalent, Nikita Dzhigurda, explains to this novice trader how to buy $1 million worth of Facebook shares..."are you sure?" the trader anxiously asks... and instead of the ubiquitous "Buy, Buy, Buy" we hear claxoned day after day usually accompanied by cow sounds; the hirsute adviser, once diagnosed with 'hypo-manic psychosis' and currently spitting image of Rob Zombie, delivers the punchline, "yeah, fuck it!" Because nobody does things in Russia half-assed.



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Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:07 | 3504393 Chuck Bone
Chuck Bone's picture

He doesn't just buy Bear Sterns, he wrestles them.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:13 | 3504402 nmewn
nmewn's picture

"Bears fine! There's nothing wrong with Bear!"

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:48 | 3504518 FoeHammer
FoeHammer's picture

Don't move your money from Bear! That's just being silly! Don't be silly!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:39 | 3504672 RebelDevil
RebelDevil's picture

Followup: Cowardly fear of failure.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:40 | 3504802 Manthong
Manthong's picture

I wonder if we could get this guy to do the same skit but showing Jamie Dimon how to short a few hundred thousand GS. 

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 02:40 | 3505088 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

Looks like poor Mr. Fox didn't buy facebook and ended up getting stuffed instead..

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 10:38 | 3505385 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

Dude sounds like the Sesame Street character Count Dracula. Ha Ha Ha Ha.....

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:07 | 3505535 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

if interested here is some more from this guy...pretty funny

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:34 | 3504653 xtop23
xtop23's picture

Boris, no comment? The only reason I clicked it was to see if you'd posted.

Za zdorovje, comrade.


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:05 | 3504743 ShakaZulu
ShakaZulu's picture

Whaddya mean?  This is Boris!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 23:19 | 3504908 Tracerfan
Tracerfan's picture

Dude, we have very similar photos/avatars

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 00:19 | 3504972 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Hmm, that's enough to shockaZulu! :>D

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:12 | 3504410 toys for tits
toys for tits's picture

Mail order husband time, American ladies.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:24 | 3504452 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Or American madies.  Looks pretty fabulous to me.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:15 | 3504412 Clayton Bigsby
Clayton Bigsby's picture

Reminds me more of Randy "Macho Man" Savage... "Yeaaaaaaahhh. Elizabeth..." - Where is George "The Animal" Steele to kick his monkey ass????

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:16 | 3504421 Clayton Bigsby
Clayton Bigsby's picture

Snap into a Slim Jim!!!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:28 | 3504462 vulcanraven
vulcanraven's picture


Sat, 04/27/2013 - 03:15 | 3505106 ebear
ebear's picture

Russian pair trade:

Long moose, short squirrel.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 11:38 | 3505481 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture


Sat, 04/27/2013 - 05:37 | 3505182 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

I can see why that fox on the desk looks depressed.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 08:38 | 3505269 Kickaha
Kickaha's picture

You'd look depressed, too, if you were dead, stuffed, and perched on some wunderkind sociopathic stock trader's desk as his good-luck talisman.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:11 | 3504396 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

So that's where my 80's wardrobe was recycled to.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:13 | 3504414 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Suspect 3

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:15 | 3504425 toys for tits
toys for tits's picture

Does everything he eats turn to hair?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:31 | 3504650 The Second Rule
The Second Rule's picture

In Russia, disco wardrobe finds you.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:04 | 3504739 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Thanks for the good-night laugh out loud. ;)

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:16 | 3504397 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Bah Bah Bah Borscht!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:11 | 3504399 SolidSnake961
SolidSnake961's picture

wish there were subtitles

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:18 | 3504426 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I wish the cameraman would fucking stand still.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:10 | 3504404 css1971
css1971's picture

Why don't we have traders like that in London?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:16 | 3504407 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

I didn't know Lemmy of Motorhead was a trader!




Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:19 | 3504428 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

You asked for it.......

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:21 | 3504433 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture



THE ACE OF TRADES (lyrics L. Kilmisterov)

If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
You win some, lose some, it's - all - the same to me
The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Trades
The Ace Of Trades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil(JPM),
Going with the flow, it's all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stakes or split,
The Ace Of Trades
The Ace Of Trades

You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live forever,
And don't forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you've got to see me,
Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be,
The Ace Of Trades
The Ace Of Trades

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 13:13 | 3505653 Long_Xau
Long_Xau's picture

It might have been like that in the 80's. In today's markets though, this is how the Ace of Trades looks like:

And also:

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:13 | 3504418 BubbleBobble
BubbleBobble's picture

To get English subtitles:  

Hover over the video.  Click the 'CC' icon.    Choose 'Russian (automatic captions)' first,  then choose 'Translate Captions (beta), then choose English in the drop-down, then prepare to laugh your ass off, then prepare to give up all hope on emerging markets.


Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:02 | 3504566 RebelDevil
RebelDevil's picture

The youtube translator is hillarious! It's so illogical, that I highly doubt it's a good translation.
Ohwell, fuck it, this guy's fucking awesome! :D

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:43 | 3504688 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture made more sense when i did not know what he was saying...the captions were like kung fu movies were words and mouths make no sense......we need to translate the translation........say your prays and take your vitiamins...cause whatcha gonna do   when that crazy fuckin russian runs wild over

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:14 | 3504422 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

That will give me nightmares.......

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:14 | 3504424 Divine Wind
Divine Wind's picture




Reminds me of some of the characters from the old TV show Big Time Wrestling.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:23 | 3504441 HowardBeale
HowardBeale's picture

I would trust this guy with my 16-year-old daughter well before I would let Cramer--or his fetid doppleganger, Kudlow--anywhere on the same planet with her. Better to be fucked than eaten...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:27 | 3504460 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Cramer and Kudlow ARE on the same planet with her, you doofus...........

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:10 | 3504744 Monedas
Monedas's picture

.... but they are not with her .... his syntax is a little weird .... like he would trust them with her .... if they were on separate planets .... he's a father .... think Family Guy .... and his daughter is Cristina Applegate ?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:26 | 3504455 Jim in MN
Jim in MN's picture





In Putin's Russia, bubble blows you!!!!  


Now I am crazy man laughing!!!! 


What was that in my drink?!?!?!?!




<end transmission>

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:36 | 3504476 OneArmBandit
OneArmBandit's picture

At the end he says:

See you all at the Board of Directors' meeting!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:37 | 3504482 Eahudimac
Eahudimac's picture

Long cocaine. Until Cramer ODs.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 20:46 | 3504501 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

He would be a big win for CNBC, I would even start watching it.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:12 | 3504599 Dave Thomas
Dave Thomas's picture

If they could replace Steve Liesman with a non stop loop of the Trolololo guy too it would be Must See TV!

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 11:28 | 3505466 resurger
resurger's picture

lol ... this world is seriously fucked

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:31 | 3504633 The Second Rule
Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:00 | 3504728 dogbreath
dogbreath's picture

He came too soon and left too early.   I miss the WallStreetPro.   I hope he comes back, we need him.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:26 | 3504788 Magnum
Magnum's picture

There he is. Youtube legend. Bring him back.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:31 | 3504810 The Second Rule
The Second Rule's picture

I hope he didn't get "got."

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 21:32 | 3504639 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Not bad, but, Cramer's 'hypo-manic psychosis' still beats. Keep trying Dzhigurda, you'll get there one day.

Meanwhile, the kid is probably getting twenty calls an hour now to transfer his 401k to Fidelity.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:06 | 3504746 ShakaZulu
ShakaZulu's picture

If this guy was my preacher, more people would go to church.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:16 | 3504755 Diogenes
Diogenes's picture

Ha ha ha ha ha that's some funny shit. He reminds me of my Uncle Archie from Kapuskasing before the logging accident.  I think I will watch it again, this time with subtitles.


He makes as much sense as my Uncle Archie after the logging accident.

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:19 | 3504769 They Tried to S...
They Tried to Steal My Gold's picture

Klingon trading platform?

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:21 | 3504775 Magnum
Magnum's picture

ZH should sponsor Walstreet2 to do some more videos. I can't even find his originals on youtube now...

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 22:19 | 3504777 jwoop66
jwoop66's picture

Just like I've always heard; Americans are so dumb and europeans(asians, africans, mid-easterners) are so much smarter than we.  This guy knows what he is doing.   We should be more like them.   Go Obama!

Fri, 04/26/2013 - 23:54 | 3504950 soopy
soopy's picture

In Soviet Russia, Facebook IPO YOU!!!

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 00:32 | 3504986 omi
omi's picture

I think that's some actor and he showed up in some trading firm and says "so now all the social networking sites are popular, and guess what? we didn't buy InContact (Russian Facebook), so let's buy facebook!"

I think it's a commedy sketch as I didn't see the ticker move 40K shares.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 00:36 | 3504990 hamstercheese
hamstercheese's picture

...this world is so fucked up.  Really...

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 01:20 | 3505015 jeebus
jeebus's picture

Everyone I know who owns FB shares is a moron.



Sat, 04/27/2013 - 03:37 | 3505095 The Heart
The Heart's picture

Yeah, humor.

Now they are making people sign in to see these videos that are very revealing of the falicies of the boston crises actors gathering. The stinkiness is louder than ever, and the nation ticks on towards oblivion?

Is this for real?

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 04:41 | 3505151 Trampy
Trampy's picture


Sat, 04/27/2013 - 05:45 | 3505187 Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture

Isn't that the CNBS Fast Money dude letting his hair down...and doing his report from a remote location?

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 06:32 | 3505209 Colonial Intent
Colonial Intent's picture

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I sincerely believe this is an answer to your prayer! Let’s connect!


Sat, 04/27/2013 - 07:06 | 3505229 Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture

re: "a Pastor in Florida"

Pastor Jim Bakker, convicted felon?


Up until 1987, televangelist Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Faye were living in extravagance. The way they told it, prosperity was a gift from God, and He had blessed them with an army of followers and immense personal fortunes. The PTL ministry had a burn rate of $500,000 per day. Everything seemed to be going perfectly. But then Jim was caught fucking anything with a pulse and they could no longer conceal their egregious cash skimming.


Jim got snagged funneling $265,000 in hush money to virginal church secretary Jessica Hahn, in order to cover up their adulterous tryst. Suddenly the Bakkers became pariahs. All of their friends deserted them. Even fellow Assemblies of God minister Jimmy Swaggart took some unnecessary potshots, just for fun and just to be a dick. Swaggart went on CNN and told Larry King that Jim was a "cancer in the body of Christ."


Bakker's rival and business competitor Jerry Falwell was called in to rescue the PTL ministry along with its Heritage USA theme park, but Falwell had a much different goal. Years later, he described his brief stint as head of PTL this way:



"God sent me there to bring an abrupt end to the immorality and financial fraud of this 'religious soap opera' that had become an international embarrassment to the Christian gospel."

The Bakkers and their empire had blown through $158 million of their ministry's donations. In his self-serving confession I Was Wrong, Jim admitted squandering church money on luxury cars and six mansions. When he got caught, there were 47 separate bank accounts in Jim's name.



Sat, 04/27/2013 - 09:37 | 3505310 sablya
sablya's picture

"an open door for the Body of Christ to be free from financial bondage"


They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption.

(2 Peter 2:19)


Shame on you for dragging the name of the Lord Jesus Christ through the mud!  The gospel is not about earthly riches but about eternal riches.  


“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves

break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys

and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

(Matthew 6:19-21 ESV)


Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the

Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of

God abides forever.  (1 John 2:15-17)


Sat, 04/27/2013 - 10:32 | 3505377 Colonial Intent
Colonial Intent's picture

Those passages are very commendable words, I however have problems with that particular book, colossians 3:22 for example.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:11 | 3505540 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Oh that's Jamies favorite.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 17:14 | 3506199 sablya
sablya's picture

There is the implied caveat of obeying except in contradiction to the word of God.  If your boss tells you to murder, you mustn't obey that.  For instance, as Peter said, "We must obey God rather than men." (Acts 5:29).  

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 17:23 | 3506222 sablya
sablya's picture

And your true colors are immediately apparent.  

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 07:11 | 3505231 nomoreoil
nomoreoil's picture

How has Nikita become 'artist of the Chechen Republic' ???

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 09:15 | 3505289 stant
stant's picture

facebook has built in zucker magnent

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 10:26 | 3505372 The Fonz...befo...
The Fonz...before shark jump's picture

This guy would triple cnbc ratings....they better get him...

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 11:41 | 3505483 Lmo Mutton
Lmo Mutton's picture

Where is Boris when you need him to translate?

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:10 | 3505546 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Russia is have Boris as vodka headache on morning

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 12:37 | 3505603 Comrade de Chaos
Comrade de Chaos's picture

Well, his last sentence was - "Well Zukenberg, We will meet at the directors board meeting..,lol " 

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 13:03 | 3505637 QuickFrozen
Sat, 04/27/2013 - 15:56 | 3505955 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

"He's a meme along with a botched taxidermy fox that's briefly showed in that video, "Stoned Fox"." 

My Russian wife wrote that missive on FacePlant.  I just called her into the office to explain and I got the waving hand treatment.(meaning he is an idiot)  Apparently, he is some sort of showman over there.  He was buying FaceBook stock in that video.

I have attempted to get Mrs. M to sign up for a ZH account as she has worked in Russian finance and her Mother still does.(They are chattering on Skype now)  Mrs. M likes ZH but just does not want to do commentary on a Western financial site.  I will ask her again, but they are Russians so pretty much forget it.

One of the biggest issues with Russians of the 30-40 age group of today, is trust.  You have to remember what they went through.  They were born soviet citizens but could not stay soviet.  They were indoctrinated as children as to how great the state was in their formative years and they were to be "Pioneers" into the great socialism of the world.  That whole statist notion failed in their teens when the Soviet Union collapsed and information was allowed to be passed through via the Internet.  Now, that age group seems to question everything and they believe in no one. 

A lost generation of Russia's own.  I hope they write about their experiences.


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