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Female DNA Found On Boston Bomb

Tyler Durden's picture


Earlier today we heard unsubstantiated chatter that FBI agents were in front of the house of Katherine Russell in North Kingstown, widow of the dead bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev. Moments ago we got an explanation for this. The WSJ reports that "investigators have found female DNA on at least one of the bombs used in the Boston Marathon attacks, though they haven't determined whose DNA it is or whether that means a woman helped the two suspects carry out the attacks, according to U.S. officials briefed on the probe. The officials familiar with the case cautioned that there could be multiple explanations for why the DNA of someone other than the two bombing suspects—Tamerlan Tsarnaev and his younger brother, Dzhokhar—could have been found on remnants of the exploded devices. The genetic material could have come, for example, from a store clerk who handled materials used in the bombs or a stray hair that ended up in the bomb."

More from the WSJ:

On Monday, Federal Bureau of Investigation agents were seen leaving the Rhode Island home of the parents of Katherine Russell, the widow of Tamerlan Tsarnaev. The elder brother died after a shootout with police four days after the April 15 bombings.


Ms. Russell has been staying with her parents since the bombings, and FBI agents have been seen posted outside the home since her late husband was identified as one of the bombers. Her lawyer has said she is "doing everything she can to assist with the investigation."


One official familiar with the case said agents went to the house Monday to collect a DNA sample from Ms. Russell, the culmination of days of negotiations. FBI officials also have been negotiating with Ms. Russell's attorney in recent days to get fuller access to question her, the officials familiar with the case said. The officials briefed on the investigation said the DNA request was needed to determine whether it matched the DNA found on the bomb remnants.


Ms. Russell is one of as many as a half-dozen people in whom investigators are interested as they seek to determine if the brothers had any help in the bomb attack or the days afterward, the officials said. Ms. Russell's lawyer didn't immediately respond to a request for comment about the latest developments.

Well if there was one specific group in society that had so far evaded persecution over recent events surrounding the Boston bombing, and other recent social risk flarings, it was women.

It looks like it is time to close the loop on that.


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Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:16 | 3511307 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

She's a he, baby.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:20 | 3511316 Cult_of_Reason
Cult_of_Reason's picture


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:23 | 3511335 whotookmyalias
whotookmyalias's picture

Glad they are not making too big a deal of this.  (sarc)

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:24 | 3511339 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture

Bitchez, bitchez!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:29 | 3511356 Major Major Major
Major Major Major's picture

They just discovered the motive:





Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:33 | 3511376 toys for tits
toys for tits's picture

The FBI believes the DNA belongs to Casey Anthony.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:39 | 3511390 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

Whenever something goes wrong, the Bush always gets the blame.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:58 | 3511465 Troll Magnet
Troll Magnet's picture

Aw shit...Here we go again...

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:38 | 3511586 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

So, I'm naive.  Are they saying some woman female ejaculated all over it?


Tue, 04/30/2013 - 03:20 | 3513011 Ethics Gradient
Ethics Gradient's picture

There's other sources of DNA, Chum'. Projectiles in crowds tend to gether a lot of DNA.

And even if it didn't fly through the air, what they are saying is they've found a cooking utentil with a woman's DNA on it. And if it was a new pot, it was put on the store shelf by a woman or the cashier was a woman.

Big whoop.

Or it's a conspiracy. Takes yer choice.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:57 | 3511468 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

A terrorista = 'burning bush'

You're right, there was a bush involved.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:49 | 3511605 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

Bush always gets the blame

Bush has female DNA? Doesn't surprise me none.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:41 | 3511399 Ying-Yang
Ying-Yang's picture

Discovery Channel says it was a hair from a female woolly mammouth...

(Janet Nipplitano perhaps? sarc)

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:55 | 3511459 Scro
Scro's picture

What about a female gorilla. Maybe one named Magilla.

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 02:11 | 3512951 Cap Matifou
Cap Matifou's picture

Point 6 in this tells you all:
Top 10 Signs You May Be a Patsy

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 22:21 | 3512358 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

Most likely to be Barney Frank's

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 03:11 | 3513004 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

Martha Stewart DNA. She sold them the pressure-cookers. 

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:33 | 3511357 Precious
Precious's picture

It must be Bill Maher's.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:33 | 3511371 ACP
ACP's picture

Now he has to explain his vagina.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:34 | 3511372 nmewn
nmewn's picture

lol...I was goin with Big Sis...but same-same ;-)

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:38 | 3511386 XitSam
XitSam's picture

Janet? She's not a woman.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:42 | 3511409 nmewn
nmewn's picture

But she plays one on Teee-Veee!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:42 | 3511415 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

Is that you John Wayne?  Is this me?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:47 | 3511439 ACP
ACP's picture

You're a reeeeal comedian.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 23:33 | 3512602 FuzzyDunlop21
FuzzyDunlop21's picture

Isnt anyone else curious how they can tell its female DNA? Males have an X chromosome too. And DNA degrades with heat. A lot of heat. Like the heat from a bomb blast

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 00:12 | 3512709 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Stop it! Nothing gets in the way of the Federal Bureau of Invention, not even facts.

Next week it will be Richard Jewel's DNA.    hujel

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:24 | 3511345 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

This is a great script, full of twists, and the Crying Game angle should appeal to the LGBT demo.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:40 | 3511396 Spastica Rex
Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:49 | 3511436 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Or sort of a karma chameleon, where the gender shifts depending on the environment...

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 02:01 | 3512938 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Well played.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:23 | 3511533 Widowmaker
Widowmaker's picture

As soon as word gets to the fag media America will forget what a Boston was.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:45 | 3511592 Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture

The Police ran over dude with SUV and shot him multiple times according to eyewitness...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013|

Linda explains how the shootout transpired in Watertown during the early morning hours. She saw the first suspect mortally wounded and police beginning the manhunt for the second suspect.


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 20:00 | 3511851 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Thanks for posting that. I remembered seeing it last week and wasted 20 minutes earlier trying to find it in my history. Definitely weird.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 20:18 | 3511905 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

who's the chick with the dark shades?  (the one who dropped her "purse")

"she" looks like marilyn manson.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:52 | 3512232 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Thats exactly the picture my initial post was in reference to.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:55 | 3512251 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

nice of "her" to hide her adam's apple under that scarf.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:36 | 3512182 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

yeah I have the same problem and have taken to saving all the pics I see for instances just like this.. the whole fukkin thing is bizarre.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 20:34 | 3511969 gabeh73
gabeh73's picture

The only comment worth a damn on this thread

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 03:26 | 3513014 SilverMoneyBags
SilverMoneyBags's picture

Its really not that far fetched to presume that a hardline Muslim man may have had his wife cook him a few meals with the pressure cooker because he turned it into a bomb. Just sayin...

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:16 | 3511308 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

The Boston version of the pristine passport... What Luck!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:37 | 3511392 Precious
Precious's picture

The Boston Police Department has the DNA surrounded and is preparing to apprehend it with Flash-Bangs.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:12 | 3511508 Rustysilver
Rustysilver's picture

Now, if they find a  landing gear on top of Boston University Book Store, than I will believe anything.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:39 | 3511580 Seer
Seer's picture

That was my very first thought!  (thank you for bringing it up)

I'd love to have someone explain how DNA can survive a bomb explosion.  I'm beginning to think that DNA is FAR more robust than Kryptonite (Superman, are you there? you pussy!)...


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 23:35 | 3512609 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

Seer, you'd be shocked how stable DNA is. I've left,by mistake, DNA I've extracted @ 95 degrees centigrade for 4 hrs and it hadnt degraded at all! I left DNA extracted from Tuberculosis bacteria @ 70 deg C over night and it hadnt degraded. Chemicals can denature it but I could fully believe it could survive a bomb blast. Probably a good thing it's so stable or you'd see more people walking around with with arms sticking out of their foreheads.


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:19 | 3511310 doomandbloom
doomandbloom's picture

She da bomb!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:17 | 3511311 Cursive
Cursive's picture

Am I the only person who has a hard time linking someone to an expended combustable based on DNA swabbing?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:25 | 3511347 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Is her name "Patsy?"

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:28 | 3511352 harami
harami's picture

There was probably a CSI episode on it at some point, so it's totally real.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:31 | 3511364 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Didn't ja hurr, evidence no longer has to obey the laws of biology/physics/chemistry/mathematics (all subsets of the notion of truth).

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:34 | 3511382 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Am I the only person who has a hard time believing anything these people say since they originally told us there's a video of one of the suspects planting the bomb, but now they pretend like they never said it?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:45 | 3511420 Sweet Chicken
Sweet Chicken's picture

You know Mc these mother fuckers try and tell us it's for "National Security" reasons but I beg to differ. If you want to have armed thugs enter my home and point fully automatic weapons at my children then show me the fucking tapes or GTFO. This fucking circus needs to be shut down real quick. 

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:02 | 3511487 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

If you throw enough sand at a wall...

And even if it doesn't 'stick', at least it entertains and overloads the masses that are channel-hopping between the News and DWTS (Dancing With The Stars). /s

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 00:25 | 3512742 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

You need to work on your math skills.

Now repeat after me, 2 + 2 = 5. Got it, good, now go back to DWTS.       hujel

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:17 | 3511314 drink or die
drink or die's picture

I'm curious as to how they determined it was put there before the bomb exploded and not after.  I imagine there was a lot of DNA all over the bomb fragments after it blew up and through a crowd...

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:33 | 3511350 Petrus Romanus
Petrus Romanus's picture

+1000, Exactly! The blood and tissue that was scattered about makes this line of investigation pointless. If she gives them a sample she is stupid. The hospital where her child was born already has it so they would already know if it belonged to her. Smells of some desperate attempt to implicate the family further as an international ring of terrorists. Also probably an attempt to take her child from her.


ETA- Why have they not "found" DNA from the brothers on the wreckage?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:46 | 3511434 Precious
Precious's picture

The FBI recently purchased state-of-the-art equipment to perform something called "carbon dating".

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:51 | 3512239 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Which should be accurate +- 400 years, right?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:43 | 3511594 Seer
Seer's picture

It's the same old trick, keep heaping on BS on an already BS story.  If `you stack it high enough people start failing to realize that it's a pile of shit and just start talking about its height...

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 03:28 | 3513015 fredquimby
Tue, 04/30/2013 - 00:02 | 3512688 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

"The hospital where her child was born already has it so they would already know if it belonged to her."

Ok, now we have gone off the deep end here. When a woman has a baby in a hospital a " hold clot" is drawn on the mother to determine her ABO and antibody status to determine if her baby will have HDN( hemolytic disease of the newborn). Basic chemistries and CBC may also be drawn. These tubes of blood are tossed into red bag ( infectious waste) and are either incinerated or disposed in a landfill generally within a week. No way this woman would have had her DNA sequenced unless there was an order to do so because her child had some genetic abnormality. The only possible case would be if she had a surgical biopsy. These tissues are preserved embedded in paraffin and are stored in warehouses for up to 20 years. The only reason they are kept so long is they can reanalyze them if there was a question of diagnosis. DNA can be extracted from these samples. I have done it myself.

Please believe me, hospitals don't have the time, money or interest to sequence everyone's DNA who gets their blood drawn. Frankly I would guess its more probable the DNA is from the blood spatter from a victim rather than a perpetrator. Smooth surfaces don't usually trap enough epithelial cells to extract DNA for amplification. Unless there was a sticky part like tape used.


Tue, 04/30/2013 - 02:06 | 3512943 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Bingo. 5th Amendment. Don't give these lying two faced fucks a goddamed thing.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:25 | 3511351 SamAdams
SamAdams's picture

Did you just use your own brain to rationalize the obvious flaw in the FBI's narrative?... 

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:31 | 3511374 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

TV raised me. Whatever it says is true, always, 4evs.


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:46 | 3511435 harami
harami's picture

You have time to look up from your Brazzers account?  I'm jelly.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:28 | 3511353 Hype Alert
Hype Alert's picture

That DNA must be some tough stuff to survive the heat of the explosion.  No telling how many females that piece of metal bounced off of after the explosion. 

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:48 | 3511441 Precious
Precious's picture

It was triggered by a remote control vibrator.  You figure out the rest.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:17 | 3511317 FiatFapper
FiatFapper's picture

Female DNA on a pressure cooker...never.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:41 | 3511403 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

You can definitely rule out my wife.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:51 | 3511449 Precious
Precious's picture

Post a photo first.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:41 | 3511413 frankthomaswhite59
frankthomaswhite59's picture


Tue, 04/30/2013 - 02:07 | 3512946 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Were it a BBQ grill, I would have immediately called bullshit.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:19 | 3511323 OMG
OMG's picture

Round up all females that are working for the CIA you will get a match.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:56 | 3511466 HCQ
HCQ's picture

FBI, too.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:22 | 3511324 Abitdodgie
Abitdodgie's picture

All these ACTORS should be lined up and shot for treason , scum bags.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:20 | 3511326 FiatFapper
FiatFapper's picture

DNA update: melanin pigmentation has been determined as brown skinned.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:20 | 3511329 buzzsaw99
Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:23 | 3511330 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

sex before bomb building 101

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:23 | 3511334 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

was that some kind of heat proof DNA type?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:24 | 3511337 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

yawn-sheeple have moved  on to NBA playoffs

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:35 | 3511362 Boeing Boy
Boeing Boy's picture

Maybe the FBI will spend a bit less time looking at its perceived internal, white extremist threat and take the threat of global jihad more seriously from now on.  Amazing, how a specified risk, spelled out to US Intelligence agencies from Russian agents was discarded.  How much is all that security theater costing?


CIA is normally to be found on the wrong side of the eight ball, CIA funding of chechen rebels immediately springs to mind - smart move Mav.  Them there chechens have now turned into global jihadists, that means for IQ challenged intel agents that USA is now a target.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:33 | 3511377 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

maybe the FBI,CIA,DHS etc should just go fuck themselves seeing as how they continue to fail on an epic level with 100 of billions of $ thrown at them. without theses assholes stirring up shit around the world maybe others would not see the need to try to kill US citizens on a constant basis.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:36 | 3511381 Boeing Boy
Boeing Boy's picture

No chance, Syria next.  Just stop arming the fcukers.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:39 | 3511393 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

This is the government, otto. Epic failure is justification for moar spending, not less.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:45 | 3511606 Seer
Seer's picture

Fail?  Are their handlers still in POWER?

It's getting done as desired.  People have to quit thinking that these agencies are meant to serve the public.

Wed, 05/01/2013 - 15:07 | 3512815 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Why would they want to fuck themselves when they have us bent over the couch?!        hujel

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:24 | 3511338 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

They better investigate Eric Holder, him being Obamas Bitch and all..........

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:27 | 3511349 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

In other news...

San Diego nuclear power plant metldown could be the next black swan


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:34 | 3511383 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Don't worry, the experts say it's all good...........

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:48 | 3511442 Cursive
Cursive's picture

@A Lunatic

If So Cal Edison and Mitsubishi Heavy Industries says it's OK, then that should satisfy any concerns that anyone has.  Stay Classy, San Diego!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:11 | 3511505 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Obviously. What would the experts have to gain by lying...............Sometimes I wish my head was still shoved in my ass where it belonged...........

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 20:59 | 3512056 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Me too, I was awake when I was kid and then said fuck it and went back to sleep figuring it was just a phase, now all the same shit I absolutely hated about this country and people inhabit it was amplified to 11 now. I missed the whole ramp up while my head was stuck in my ass.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 19:25 | 3511737 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

San Diego may soon be more glassy than classy.

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 03:36 | 3513017 fredquimby
fredquimby's picture

You can see daily US nuke "events" here.



Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:29 | 3511354 knicks3005
knicks3005's picture


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:28 | 3511360 bankonzhongguo
bankonzhongguo's picture

It is likely the DNA is from one (or more) of the bombing victims.

'Now the whole city of Boston (planet) needs to be DNA tested.'

Google is here to help.


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:42 | 3511379 FiatFapper
FiatFapper's picture

They'll ram an RFID chip in your cerebral cortex and at birth you're given $10,000 which ticks down for each passing day you live. Google will engineer this ultimate fiat wet dream and create a subsidiary called froogle.

In time movie plot:

"In a future where people stop aging at 25, but are engineered to live only one more year, having the means to buy your way out of the situation is a shot at immortal youth"

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:32 | 3511368 BanksterSlayer
BanksterSlayer's picture

so somebody is still taking anything the FBI says seriously?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:31 | 3511375 WelfareFTW
WelfareFTW's picture

einhorn finkel... finkel einhorn...

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:47 | 3511428 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

Just take a look at Mr. Winkie!!!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:39 | 3511384 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

     This is worse then a bad game of  'Clue'...  F**king 'Professor Plum' did it.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:39 | 3511388 Joe A
Joe A's picture

It was Mrs. Ahmadinejad. Or Mrs. Assad. The smoking gun! Iran and Syria have WMD: pressure cookers!

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:41 | 3511400 sangell
sangell's picture

For my own problem of 'domestic terrorism' I am delighted the FBI can do this. In my case I have a stalker.Well my girlfriend does but she lives with me ( or did) until the stalker got out of jail for violating an injunction and came by my home, slit the top on my new Miata and threw a flare inside. The car was totaled but approximately half the flare did not burn. The police sent it to the FBI for DNA analysis. Hopefully they are as thorough examining this evidence as they were with the bomb evidence ( I know fat chance of that) and can put my 'terrorist' in prison for years instead of a few weeks.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:38 | 3511402 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

Hope it was that nasty old shitbag muslim crone of a mom... love to see her get the needle... and be buried in a decomposing pig's carcass...

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 19:30 | 3511745 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

No needle for her...but a couple of drones in the general direction of her village will be on the menu.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:39 | 3511404 dcohen
dcohen's picture

Hillary Clinton, no doubt - after all Kim Jong number Un told us she was a "funny lady" and "not very intelligent".

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:50 | 3511412 Kinskian
Kinskian's picture

Her brother-in-law gave her up during his initial interrogation by police. He said she tipped off her husband when the brothers' pictures were broadcast on television. If true, she should have called a lawyer instead of her husband. She's a f'ing idiot for marrying into that woman hating culture.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:05 | 3511488 Freddie
Freddie's picture

The father is a doctor in Rhode Island and the mother is a nurse.   Everyone in Rhode Island is a mobster or a Democrat or both.  

The girl looked like an idiot to marry that Borat loving muslim on welfare who had already beaten a former girlfriend.  Yeah it was a false flag and BS but Speedbump looked like a major as*hole.

Hopefully she will get time for at least welfare fraud.  These people are such scum.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 19:40 | 3511779 The_Dude
The_Dude's picture

I loved this pic of the father....

His face basically says....'thank God....oops... thank Obummer that that son in law of mine blew himself maybe my daughter will go back to being the mixed up, self loathing, religion hating little girl that I raised her to be....'

I wonder if this family instilled any real morals in this girl at all?  Or like most American kids was allowed to float through life, misguided, until she ran into some random guy that seemed to have 'direction' in his life.  (PC decoder - direction = let me control your feeble, misgided mind with my crazy, misguided belief system)

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:07 | 3511494 HCQ
HCQ's picture

Seems like Mama Tsarnaev wears the pants in that family. You still believe they were actually devout Muslims and not playing along in order to infiltrate Islamic rebel cells for the purpose of rabble rousing and destabilizing Russia?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:54 | 3511628 Seer
Seer's picture

Well put.  People ought not lose track that this is about the Cold War.  Cyprus was all about it.  Russia is getting an upper hand and the US is becoming desperate (failing currency; running out of ammo to protect Europe [major target market]).

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:44 | 3511426 FishHockers
FishHockers's picture

Why at these marathons can't someone rent pigglets for everyone to walk around with, or at the very least bacon bracelets.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:49 | 3511431 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I just finished the script for the movie.

It's called "expendable will hunting departed" The true story of the boston marathon.

Marky Mark and Matt Damon are the ruffcut born and bred southie cops who have been following two kids they just have a gut feeling in their balls are terrorists. They uncover the plot to bomb the marathon. Before they can arrest them Matt Damon is called in by the bad Sargeant (George Clooney) who accuses Matt Damon of having too hot a wife (Diane Lane). He pulls Damon's badge and Damon goes off in a fit of anger. Marky Mark tracks him down at a Southie bar and tries to convince him to still go after the terrorist. While they are at the bar some snotnose guy starts making fun of them and Damon says "how about them apples" and marky mark curses a lot. Damon storms off home. Cue gratuitous naked Diane Lane. After that Damon goes and gets marky mark and they go after the terrorists. They get there in time to point out the terrorists to Sylvester Stallone, Jason Stathom, Bruce willis etc etc etc etc of the expendables cast and they launch an all out assault on the terrorists and save the day.

It's a loose script but I think all the pieces are there.

Any suggestions?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:56 | 3511467 Oldballplayer
Oldballplayer's picture

Ed Norton has to be in there somewhere. He does a great crazy bastard.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:01 | 3511472 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

As I see it I am missing Ed Norton and Ben Affleck and Casey too. Casey could be one of the terrorists.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:05 | 3511485 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

could you work in Jay and Silent Bob?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:12 | 3511514 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I want it to be realistic.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:42 | 3511598 YHC-FTSE
YHC-FTSE's picture

Then I suggest an old school European director, Luc Besson or Mike Newell. Gritty film noir stuff.

Also your villain has to have an English accent. You guys always do that shit with us. How about Gary Oldman? 

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 19:08 | 3511669 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

lol. Nothing against Fonz. That was a good one YHC-FTSE

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 22:31 | 3512393 oddball
oddball's picture

Can you work in one of the Baldwins?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 22:51 | 3512465 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Christian Bale reprising his Oscar winning role as Dicky Eklund but this time as The Crime Fighter - a Southie version of Batman

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:12 | 3511498 Freddie
Freddie's picture

All three are libtard f**ks not 100% sure about Casey but I am sure. Matt Damon shills for UAE muslims and Ben Affleck loves O-muslim.   Norton comes from a wealthy family in the DC area.  Grandpa invented the shopping mall. Real hardcore Maryland Dems.  Norton once got a British director fired because he is a spoiled little prick. 

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:58 | 3511473 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Could we get Peter Sellers to do Inspector Clouseau? I'm going for realism here...

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:02 | 3511478 Village Smithy
Village Smithy's picture

I love your casting picks (esp. Diane Lane). What about working a sting operation that goes bad into the story. The "smart" cops Mark and Damon think that they have set up the "dumb" would be terrorists with fake explosives only the "dumb" terrorists are on to the "smart" cops and change out the dummy explosive for real stuff. The horrific bombings then take place aided by the cops. Then the cops pretend they didn't know anything about the plot nor the 2 "home grown" terrorists who carried it out and proceed with the biggest, most intimidating manhunt in the nation's history. Nah, on second thought that just sounds to unrealistic. Sorry.  

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:11 | 3511511 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I actually have that. They do the set up only to end up setting up Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd. There is 2 minutes of confusion until they realize Chase/Akroyd are the decoys and the real GLG-20's have gotten away. Chevy chase does some falling down shit and farts uncomfortably in a dramatic scene.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 22:17 | 3512336 Village Smithy
Village Smithy's picture

Once again great casting !

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:03 | 3511490 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Needs way more than just one gratuitous naked Diane Lane scene.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:09 | 3511502 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

The scene is 47 minutes long and the movie is only 53 mins.

I need some filler.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:23 | 3511534 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

LMAO. No such thing as too much boooooobs.

(.)(.)  (.)(.)  (.)(.)  (.)(.)  (.)(.)

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:15 | 3511516 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Keep your day job.

Apparently John Grisham's "novel" job is still safe... from your screenplays and mine. [sigh]

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:16 | 3511518 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Call it "expendable brokeback will hunting departed" if you want to attract the bigtime financial backers.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:14 | 3511519 Freddie
Freddie's picture

This sounds like a typical lib movie so they will need Morgan Freeman and probably Samuel L. Jackson playing Samule L. Jackson like he does in every movie. 

F TV and Hollywood.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:18 | 3511529 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Freddie work with me here. How about it turns out that Marky Mark is an illegal immigrant and as a thank you the state of Mass immediately offers him free healthcare, stops collecting his taxes and grants him social security,

Also it turns out he was an abortion.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:35 | 3511563 Freddie
Freddie's picture

Does the state of Mass also throw in social security disability, a free BMW, CIA pocket money to try to flip other Chechen muslims plus a CIA get out of jail and no deportation gold card?  Sounds like a winner.

I kind of like Marky cause he is not godless like Affleck and Damon.  

Maybe Affleck can play Speedbump and he can moralize how Republicans hate Muslims and how they don't believe in global warming.   Robin Williams can play his professor Harvard/Dartmouth/or other Boston University. 

It cannot be Tuft's because Affleck cannot not act well enough to pretend he could actually get into Tufts.   See Gigli.

Gigli was considered a box office bomb, grossing less than $4 million in its opening weekend after costing $75.6 million to produce.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:03 | 3512065 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

You got to work Dennis Leary into the movie somehow.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 19:44 | 3511790 Whoa Dammit
Whoa Dammit's picture

Suggestion: Matt & Marky  travel back in time in Terrorista 1 for Robert Downey Jr's (as Holmes) assistance in solving the mystery.


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:50 | 3511437 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

"there could be multiple explanations"

yeah, like one of them is a cross dresser?

C'mon, FBI who is your press agent, Happy Jack?

"Duh, th'th'th'there could be a'a'a'a'lot of ex'ex'explanations"

"Wake Up Mr. HopHop!"

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:53 | 3511448 ShrNfr
ShrNfr's picture

Gee, the bomb fragments splattered a lot of people, some were female. Ya think they might have gotten some dna on the fragment. Well do ya, punk???

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:21 | 3511535 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Quick, get Jeri Ryan from Body of Proof on the forensics case! Should be titillating.

And check her for Borg implants. ;-)

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:54 | 3511450 tmosley
tmosley's picture

DNA on an exploded bomb?

Bullshit.  They just convinced me that this whole thing is a fucking setup.

If these guys don't provide an explination as to the method used to recover DNA from an exploded bomb, I will never believe another thing the government or media says.  NOT. ONE. FUCKING. THING.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:02 | 3511484 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

t, dude, you don't believe anything they say now, so just chill. Ain't it great that you can discover new levels of disbelief, and get that fresh, new, incensed feeling all over again?

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:13 | 3511517 samsara
samsara's picture

You got it MsC. Relive that initial revulsion all over again.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:24 | 3511541 Unwashed
Unwashed's picture

The other day I was saying the younger bomber doesn't know shit. He was just a doper.


Then I thought, "how the fuck do I know that?"

Heard it in some media report, probably disregerded the rest, but accepted the notion that the kid was a pothead.

I guess it's easy for me to accept tidbits of info as fact if they confirm my own biases.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:56 | 3511626 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Well, "potheads" can go off the rails too.

Had an aquaintance of mine draw down on one of his friends from High School, shot him right between the shoulder blades with a 30.06, he's doing life now.

Ludes & Jack Daniels...but he smoked pot too. But the boy was never right in the head anyways (IMHO) always pressed down real hard with his pencil in school (even in elementary school)...always thought that was weird myself.

My belief is, its not so much the drugs, anyone can tell you who has done them (and is honest about it) its whats already inside your head that says, right now, I'm gonna kill somebody...high or not.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:05 | 3512074 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Somw pot heads are not stupid they just like to get stoned.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 21:48 | 3512215 flyingcaveman
flyingcaveman's picture

It was inside the indestructible passport.


Mon, 04/29/2013 - 17:54 | 3511458 Lunch is for Wimps
Lunch is for Wimps's picture

My money's on it being Amanda Knox DNA*.

*even if it had to be planted by the Italian police

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:11 | 3511512 Freddie
Freddie's picture

Amanda Knox is ****** hot.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 19:15 | 3511682 W74
W74's picture

Yes, yes she is.

Mon, 04/29/2013 - 18:02 | 3511460 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

One of the crisis actresses is threatening to sue the FBI because she did not get enough screen time (per her contract). The lawyers suggest they expand her part post "shooting".

Besides, the kid's mom is a lousy female lead.  They are loosing the important young male audience.  Write in some tits and legs and let's keep this sucker rolling.

SHoW BiZ FiSHeS...

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