"You've Reached Your Slice Limit Mayor Bloomberg" - The Food Police Meets The Pizza Nazi
After months of legislating soda sizes and steak rarenesses it seems the food police have finally met their match. As The Daily Currant "reports", in protest over the proposed soda ban in NY, the owners of Collegno's Pizzeria in Brooklyn refused to serve Mayor Michael Bloomberg a second slice of pizza during an informal lunch meeting. Ripped from the scripts of Seinfeld, or Pulp Fiction, or, appropriately enough, The Onion, when Bloomberg requested the second slice, the owner retorted, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that. You've reached your personal slice limit." The exchange quickly escalated with the Mayor dropping f-bombs and the restaurant's owner climaxing with, "there's nothing I can do; maybe you could go to several restaurants and get one slice at each. At least that way you're walking. You know, burning calories." A fuming Bloomberg left the pizzeria and finished his meeting (and more pizza) at a rival restaurant.
"Hey, could I get another pepperoni over here?" Bloomberg asked owner Antonio Benito.
"I'm sorry sir," he replied, "we can't do that. You've reached your personal slice limit."
Mayor Bloomberg, not accustomed to being challenged, assumed that the owner was joking.
"OK, that's funny," he remarked, "because of the soda thing ... No come on. I'm not kidding. I haven't eaten all morning, just send over another pepperoni."
"I'm sorry sir. We're serious," Benito insisted. "We've decided that eating more than one piece isn't healthy for you, and so we're forbidding you from doing it."
"Look jackass," Bloomberg retorted, his anger boiling, "I fucking skipped breakfast this morning just so I could eat four slices of your pizza. Don't be a schmuck, just get back to the kitchen and bring out some fucking pizza, okay."
"I'm sorry sir, there's nothing I can do," the owner repeated. "Maybe you could go to several restaurants and get one slice at each. At least that way you're walking. You know, burning calories."
Witnesses say a fuming Bloomberg and a bemused Liu did indeed walk down the street to a rival pizzeria , ordered another slice and finished their meeting.
P.S. since there may be some confusion about The Daily Currant's "Onionesque" qualities, we should probably suggest that there is a "modest" element of satire to this piece. Which of course means there is a substantial amount of implicit truth.