This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

So You Want To Work In JPMorgan's Legendary Gold Vault? This Is Your Chance

Submitted by Tyler Durden on 05/21/2013 20:51 -0400

For all those whose lifelong ambition has been to work with the recently reappointed joint Chairman/CEO of JPMorgan in the firm's legendary and infamous gold 'clearing' operation (whose formerly classified New York, the largest in the world, and London vault locations were exposed here and here), today is your lucky day:

But more important than what the firm is looking for, is what is willing to provide. Information. Such as:

JPM currently holds a 45 % market share of the London Clearing: not quite a monopoly but close enough
The London clearing transacts approx $ 40 bn value in metal transfers each day on behalf of participants in the London market
It conducts Location swaps: literally, what it sounds like
The firm has consignment agreements in India, China, Thailan, and... Turkey: the infamous gateway to Iran?
The firm's gold clearing and physical desk engages in liquidity management between London, Zurich and... the Bank of England?

h/t Ro

- advertisements -

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 20:53 | 3586166 OldPhart

I'd be too tempted to file the edges off of bars.

On second thought...

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:02 | 3586197 ACP

For some strange reason, that listing seems to say "fall guy" all over it, expecially since their inventory is so low, or nonexistent.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:10 | 3586218 fonzannoon

I was afriad to say it. nice job.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:16 | 3586229 DeadFred

Another temp job to pad the BLS data. What, two three months max until you send the last of your 'job' out the door?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:19 | 3586239 idea_hamster

It's a trap.

Everyone who applies is going to Gitmo.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:22 | 3586245 otto skorzeny

I'd love to do it but I'm allergic to tungsten and gold spray paint

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 22:30 | 3586440 imaginalis

They laid off the fork lift truck drivers - only a guy with a dolly needed now

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 23:09 | 3586529 Pool Shark

No thanks.

[I'm holding out for Scrooge McDuck's Money Bin...]

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 04:50 | 3586875 Boris Alatovkrap

Boris plenty qualify (know Gold from Tungsten) but is not want relocate to England.

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 08:33 | 3587162 Joe Sixpack

Get Linked-In with JPM, eh?

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 10:55 | 3587826 mickeyman

There's a mistake in the job posting. It's supposed to say "Gold cleaning". The successful applicant will need to supply his own polishing cloth.

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 07:09 | 3586980 Chaffinch

The successful applicant will be expected to provide his or her own dolly.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:24 | 3586246 The Phu

They should list this as a temporary/short-term job since there isn't much gold left in those vaults... all heading to HK/China. Also, the job description should mention exposure to tungsten... in case you have an alergy to it.

Edit: within the last thirty seconds, the dude above me posted the same. Proof positive that great minds think alike.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:28 | 3586252 ACP

Damn straight.

Conspiracy theorists unite!

(Especially since every other 'conspiracy theory' is being proved as fact, nowadays...)

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 22:10 | 3586369 Top_Kill

"Why are there only like 7 gold bars here?" "Oh, we use them as paper weights for all these IOU's. Wanna see where we keep the silver IOU's?"

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 22:45 | 3586478 FoxMulder

Would it have been too obvious to give the job description as "Rogue Trader/ Fall-guy"?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:12 | 3586224 Herd Redirectio...

Work under pressure

First class customer service

Willing to work unusual hours

Sounds like someone to tell folks to not ask for physical delivery, please! How about if we just gave you some of the gold we are holding for you? Does that make you feel better now? And work in the middle of the night, tacking the bullion when it leaves the vaults.

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 10:59 | 3587850 mickeyman

Is first class customer service something you deliver with your hands, or your tongue? Because I'm not willing to go any further.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:42 | 3586297 Ranger4564

It's actually Blythe Masters' former position. ;-)

just kidding people

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 07:46 | 3587039 ATM

No shit. I was going to say I am overqualified since my wife has more gold in her tiny jewelry case than JPM has in those gigantic vaults.

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 08:18 | 3587122 PT

OldPhart said, "I'd be too tempted to file the edges off of the bars." They've got a sneaky security trick so they can catch fellows like you. Just underneath the surface they change to a bright, tungsteny-like colour. You'll get caught real quick!

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 20:53 | 3586167 Seasmoke

Do I get the cubicle next to Blythe ?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 20:56 | 3586172 Buck Johnson

Was that an actual firefighter in the vault of the World Trade Center after it's collapse?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 20:57 | 3586176 DoChenRollingBearing

Oh, oh, oh!

Pick me! Pick me!

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:00 | 3586189 krispkritter

????? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cDAqrywsHE Horshack?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 23:18 | 3586179 Stuck on Zero

What's that requirement for "rehypothecation expertise" all about?

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 08:10 | 3587101 Another Texan

Must have previous expierence as the Governor of New Jersey and commodities broker.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 20:59 | 3586183 krispkritter

'KrisP "Light Fingers" Kritter at your service! One for you! Two for me! One for you...

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 20:59 | 3586184 Bay of Pigs

The cracks in this sector are starting to look as wide as the Grand Canyon.

And I wonder how Barts silver investigation is coming along? And day now, right?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:00 | 3586186 Spitzer

Do I need a degree or 2 ?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:07 | 3586212 Mae Kadoodie

Can I wear those big clown metal shoes?

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:00 | 3586187 Freebird

lol so the last guy obviously outlived his usefulness

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:18 | 3586238 DeadFred

The last guy misplaced all the stock which is why their inventory is so low. "i'm sure I put it over here somewhere..."

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:01 | 3586194 1C3-N1N3

Heh..."major loco" is right.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:03 | 3586199 e_goldstein

Sounds boring, sitting in an underground empty room all day.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 22:17 | 3586394 lesamourai

This job is actually by the sea at Chaseside in Bournemouth, the old back office operations site of Chase Manhattan Bank (before JPM gobbled them up). So it's not in London where the vault is. The high flying JPM jobs are all in the City. Only sleepy, back room positions get sent 'into exile' to Bournemouth. Which makes sense in this case, seeing as there is actually nothing to keep track of.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:04 | 3586203 Bagbalm

Steel toed boots suggested. Have you ever picked up a slick gold bar? Damn things are dangerous.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:15 | 3586227 cynicalskeptic

Drop a 400 oz bar on a steel toed boot and you cut off your toes. They actually use protective metal overshoes that protect the whole foot in bullion vaults.

Wed, 05/22/2013 - 00:05 | 3586652 Freddie

Due to OSHA requirements - all the gold was replaced with lighter tungsten to protect the workers health and safety.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:04 | 3586204 Bay of Pigs

Key Skills/Experience for the job?

To be able to lie, and tell some moar lies...

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:23 | 3586213 fonzannoon

"strong accounting/numerical skills" = being able to count down to zero.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:09 | 3586215 Downtoolong

I wonder what happened to the last guy who had the job. He must have talked.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:09 | 3586216 thisandthat

Speaking of which, EU wants to render private bank vaults content public....

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:13 | 3586225 cynicalskeptic

No experience in alchemy required? Seems like they're in dire need of somene able to transmute base metal into gold.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:17 | 3586232 MFLTucson

Thereis no company I loath more.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 22:02 | 3586316 Dr. Engali

When you have the likes of Goldman(my personal most hated),GE, Monsanto, Walmart. Exxon Mobile........etc. etc. that's saying a lot.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:18 | 3586236 q99x2

Why don't they just come out and say they are looking to hire some fall guys at this time. Ain't going to get nothing but jail time taking a job like that.

Tue, 05/21/2013 - 21:28 | 3586251 cornflakesdisease