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Thursday Humor: Help Wanted At The Fed

Tyler Durden's picture


With Bernanke seemingly getting his pink slip from Obama, the herd of academia is amassing for the prized job of winding down this catastrophe. From Yellen to Summers and from Geithner to Liesman, they all are equally qualified but as the following job description shows, it may not be as much fun as it seems.



(h/t @Not_Jim_Cramer)


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Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:20 | 3675752 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

Re: the beard, I guess that nixes Janet Y....


Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:22 | 3675758 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

not necessarily...

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:24 | 3675771 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

If I aint Jewish, can I still apply??

Guess I better add 'stein' behind my surname and maybe change my middle name to Joshua?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:26 | 3675782 salimmk
salimmk's picture

I belive you need to be an israeli dual citizen to get this job.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:28 | 3675788 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Obummer is forcing the candidates to draw straws - the winner, loses!

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:29 | 3675794 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

goyim need not apply

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:39 | 3675835 Frozen IcQb
Frozen IcQb's picture

Additional attibutes required:

Dresses British and thinks Yiddish

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:59 | 3675905 Obchelli
Obchelli's picture


Yep that stupid f**k who got his Nobel prize by accident like his idol BO

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:23 | 3675948 King_of_simpletons
King_of_simpletons's picture

"Must speak incoherently (Greenspan) or like a person high on potent narcotics (Bernanke)" .

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:45 | 3675852 MillionDollarBonus_
MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

Humor aside, I think the nobel prize winning economist Dr Paul Krugman is the perfect replacement as Fed Chairman. During the global economic slowdown, Paul Krugman has provided his readers and other economic scholars with invaluable insight into the key structural issues in the global economy, and the need for a stronger and more targeted monetary policy. In my opinion he is the perfect combination of economic genius and humble down to earth companion. Who else can claim to be both a Nobel prize winning economist and a humble blogger who touches readers all over the world with his wry humor and personal anecdotes? This is exactly the type of person we need as Fed Chairman.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:46 | 3675867 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

doing a little better lately MDB

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:48 | 3675877 maskone909
maskone909's picture

fucking hilarious. 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:51 | 3675883 The Proletariat
The Proletariat's picture

MDB, all humor aside,....seriously, what is the best brand/model of beard trimmer one should use?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:59 | 3675908 Monedas
Monedas's picture

"Fuck Krugman !" .... yeah, I guess that works .... thanks, MDB !

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 23:45 | 3678027 prains
prains's picture

MDB only trims the southern beard, where the oysters grow

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:50 | 3675880 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

How about a "Paul Krugman Doll"? Pull the string on his back and let the Keynesian monetary hilarity spew forth! 

Pre-selected Mike Bloomberg hot chick cousin, "Chairman Krugman Doll, when do you see the Fed ending it's purchasing"

Paul Krugman Doll, "We need to have another stimulus of six trillion dollars to help Wall Street. So to answer your question...NEVAH!"

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:54 | 3675893 Ying-Yang
Ying-Yang's picture

Dr. Paul Krugman - MDB has a man-crush

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 15:51 | 3676447 skank
skank's picture

Dr. Paul Krugman - he's so man tight

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:57 | 3676129 BigJim
BigJim's picture

LOL! Excellent work, MDB_!

As a PM holder, I PRAY they give the job to Krugman! Yes, PK, let M0 rip! Accelerate the destruction of any 'store-of-value' function the USD still holds, and watch its reserve currency status vanish into thin air..

As an added bonus... PK is not even a monetary economist, so it would underscore what a puppet the 'chairman' is.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 18:51 | 3677165 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

I'm sorry, academic credentials aside, we need the business accument & proven integrity of Jon Corzine.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:33 | 3675789 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

inappropriate (yet heartfelt) comment deleted

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:29 | 3675792 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

You want to change your name to Divided Joshua Statestein??

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:34 | 3675818 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Wasn't he one of the Beastie Boys?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:15 | 3675941 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Hey ZH, can you please remove that vomit-inducing banner ad for Barry and his "Organizing for Action" Bullshit from your site? What the hell? The guy's a criminal in his own right and does not deserve any more air time subsidized by the taxpayers ...

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 15:13 | 3676188 New American Re...
New American Revolution's picture

Not just any Jew, but an Edomite.  And yes, she can have a beard if she wants one.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:22 | 3675761 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

Actually, I thought it now includes her.  She's all stubble.....


Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:43 | 3675856 maskone909
maskone909's picture

have you seen the bitch that runs the SEC?  like that broad from poltergeist...  DONT LOOK INTO THE LIGHT!

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:23 | 3675766 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

She can grow a beard, she just uses Nair to control it.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:27 | 3675787 Scro
Scro's picture

Must refrain from using common sense. Must be able to only help the rich and must be able to tune of crys of help from the 99%.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:33 | 3675811 Cursive
Cursive's picture


I'm thinking Liesman with a Colenel Sanders/VI Lenin goatee would complete this tragicomedy very well.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:21 | 3675753 whisperin
whisperin's picture


Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:33 | 3675813 Renewable Life
Renewable Life's picture

Add to that job description:

"May face legal and or mob action, if political climate deteriorates"

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:40 | 3675842 texas sandman
texas sandman's picture

Not to mention being willing to endure countless "Fuck __________" posts on ZeroHedge.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:51 | 3675871 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

I nominate Jon Corzine for Fed Chairman. 

1) He needs a job. (Have you seen him lately?)

2) He is used to Obummer getting on his knees and sucking him for money. ("Please Jon. Just another trillion.")

3) He has proven adept at dancing around Congressional inquiries.

4) He has the beard!!!

5) If the gov is not going to put him in prison, may as well give him something to do.


Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:03 | 3675920 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I really wanted to argue against your points but..... I got nothin'.  I can find no flaw in your reasoning at all.  He's perfectly suited to the role.  In DC this would be called a win-win.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:05 | 3675930 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Bonds are puking bigtime nodebt. wave after wave of selling.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:39 | 3675837 Arius
Arius's picture

are you for real?  this is not a democracy!  get this through your head!


on another matter, i guess Santelli got today the answer from the markets as to WHY ben is printing money ....

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 17:38 | 3688744 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Bernanke for boat anchor!!!

EDIT:  Fuck I forgot shit floats!

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:21 | 3675754 HelluvaEngineer
HelluvaEngineer's picture

20 hours there, 20 hours at JPM...

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:28 | 3675755 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Must be knowledgeable upon failed Keynesian Economic Policy and willing to take the entire country into the shitter at behest of bankster handlers. Equal Opportunity Employer! 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:21 | 3675756 JJ McApe
JJ McApe's picture


Further evidence that the average investory does NOT have the grit to stand up to a foxhole fight.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:22 | 3675762 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Give it to Krugman.  That would be the easiest Fed Chair to predict.  

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:32 | 3675779 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Good market call yesterday. Congrats, I hope you made a killing.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:22 | 3675763 Jack of All Trades
Jack of All Trades's picture

No real world financial market experience necessary.  Psychopathic tendencies are a plus.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:41 | 3675847 rosiescenario
rosiescenario's picture

English as a second language required.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:23 | 3675769 Bad Attitude
Bad Attitude's picture

Yes, it is going to get worse.
Forward (over the cliff)!

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:23 | 3675770 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Rumor has it that Yellen has to wax her face.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:02 | 3675917 monad
Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:25 | 3675772 BandGap
BandGap's picture

Krugman may not be too crazy a pick. Who better than he to put the hammer down as the bus goes over the cliff? Nothing would surprise me anymore.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:36 | 3675829 Cursive
Cursive's picture


Yes.  Nothing like a True Believer to finish the job.  Paulie will NEVER admit Keynesian defeat.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:44 | 3675859 P Rankmug
P Rankmug's picture

Krugman would never take any job that actually required real world accountability for his nonsense.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:28 | 3675986 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Yeah .... find a great grandson of John Maynard Keynes .... doesn't have to be a US citizen .... get him a mail order degree .... and grow him a beard .... poetic justice ?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:51 | 3676111 auric1234
auric1234's picture

Krugman would never take a job that has the potential to prove himself wrong.


Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:26 | 3675776 dukeland
dukeland's picture

"Beard a must" - Women need not apply

... or then maybe can apply if they have the high level of testosterone

Testosterone is required to manage a hugh and highly levered portfolio, which if anything goes wrong, has the potential to sink 8 billion minus .0001% people into chaos.  

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:27 | 3675781 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

must be expert at slinging bullshit, manipulating markets, instruct regulators to "look the other way" and take questions from msm idiots!

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:31 | 3675803 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture


Documented history of sociopathic behaviour can be substituted for any other qualifications.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:27 | 3675785 kevinearick
kevinearick's picture

Exactly what qualifications are required to watch a machine run on automatic?

Of course, there is always an observation prism from which to throw in wrenches.

You have demographic deceleration on one side of the fulcrum and rates on the other.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:30 | 3675797 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

I'm really good at fucking things up. Can I apply?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:47 | 3675874 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

Your resume' will float to the top. 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:30 | 3675801 thismarketisrigged
thismarketisrigged's picture

i am a very good printer, am i qualified?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:32 | 3675807 ekm
ekm's picture

I can be Fed chairman, I have moustache though, can't handle the beard


Will Obama hire me?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:37 | 3675830 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

I'm disqualified... The Ctrl+P button on my keyboard isn't working...

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:35 | 3675825 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

Candidates must not be able to say the word Austri'... uh, Aust'... Aus', Awww'shit... just don't mention the word and you'll be alright.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:47 | 3675876 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Auschwitz School of Economics ?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:37 | 3675834 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Yellen has a "bearded clam" .... I presume ?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:42 | 3675848 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Debatable.  But if you're up to checking, I'd like to hear your report.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:55 | 3675898 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Can't pass the "stink test" ?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:40 | 3675843 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



If I can get paid in gold bullion, I'm in.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:41 | 3675845 cherry picker
cherry picker's picture

Lucky for us, that great public servant with economic (stealing) talent, John Corzine is being considered. 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:45 | 3675855 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

Lunatic "Shalom" Fringe. It has a nice ring to it. I'm in. 

I am an expert on the Great Depression also. The bankers fucked us. 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:45 | 3675861 monad
monad's picture

"If you love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of Freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsel or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."
Samuel Adams

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:45 | 3675862 tnquake
tnquake's picture

I have a beard and my wife says I have the PhD covered!

PhD = Piled Higher and Deeper

Does it come with the Coke and the Broads or is that part of the bennies @ the JPM job I get after I screw up here?


Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:53 | 3675888 Monedas
Monedas's picture

I'm gonna change my voter registration to Democrat .... wait a  few weeks .... then apply for food stamps ?

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:06 | 3675932 MassDecep
MassDecep's picture

Thanks to our friends at the agency, your change takes affect immediately. No waiting period....

Just smile in your LT camera for a signature.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 13:59 | 3675910 TideFighter
TideFighter's picture

Passion Flower Spa calling Janet Yellen:

"Ms. Yellen, we are confirming your appointment for a Brazilian waxing facial." 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:03 | 3675919 The man with po...
The man with pointy horns's picture

What happens if you're a woman? Must they don a fake beard ala ancient Egyptian style for female Pharaohs? 

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:04 | 3675924 Monedas
Monedas's picture

"I wouldn't work for anyone .... who would want ME as an employee !" Monedas 1929 Comedy Jihad World Tour

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:12 | 3675949 AON
AON's picture

A willingness to risk your life when the world you screwed over seeks justice.  Proficient with assault weapons a must.  Ability to hide out in small appartments in Hong Kong for an indefinite periods.  The moral fortitude to deny the name of Greenspan three times before the cock crows.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:11 | 3675950 AON
AON's picture

A willingness to risk your life when the world you screwed over seeks justice.  Proficient with assault weapons a must.  Ability to hide out in small appartments in Hong Kong for an indefinite periods.  The moral fortitude to deny the name of Greenspan three times before the cock crows.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:29 | 3675988 Lmo Mutton
Lmo Mutton's picture

No experience necessary.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 14:56 | 3676124 texas sandman
texas sandman's picture

I would correct that to "no real world" experience necessary.  Academics and theorists only need apply.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 15:53 | 3676377 TalkToLind
TalkToLind's picture

Let's pray The Bernanke never finds employment at the local quick oil change shop or else: 


The Bernanke:  Gives hand signals to guide customer’s car into garage bay.  His hand signals are off causing the customer's right front tire to roll over the edge into the oil change pit.

Customer:  "Hey, you've caused me to crash my car into the oil pit!" 

The Bernanke:  "There is no oil pit, sir.  By the way, it's good to see you again, Mr. XXXX (said with a sneer and a condescending voice).  How can I help you today?"

Customer:  "My check oil light is on and the engine is loud and sluggish.  I think I need some oil."

The Bernanke:  "I can fix that, sir."  The Bernanke fiddles under the hood for a moment and then proceeds to pour 2 quarts of sand into the crank case.  The car sputters and the temperature indicator begins to rise quickly.  "That will be $49.99, sir."

Customer:  "WTF?  Did you just pour sand into my engine?  I wanted OIL!  Look, the check oil light is still on!"

The Bernanke:  "There is no check oil light.  Will that be cash or credit, sir?"

Customer:  Grabs a quart of oil off the shelf and holds it up for The Bernanke to see.  "I wanted OIL, not sand.  After all, oil IS a lubricant, right?" 

The Bernanke:  "Oil is not a lubricant; it is a barbarous relic of the past.  You should avoid using it at all costs."

Customer:  "I want my oil and I want it now!  Sand is NO substitute for oil!"

The Bernanke:  Strokes his beard and ponders what he has just heard.  He steps into the office for a moment.  2 minutes later, oil futures plunge 8% in a few short seconds.  The Bernanke returns and leans into the customer's window.  "Oil is volatile.  You should avoid purchasing it at all costs."   

Customer:  "I'm calling my lawyer now.  You just wait, you won't have this job by next week, you pompous SOB!"

The Bernanke:  "I won't be here next week, but don't fret.  Your car will perform better than expected.  And if not, my replacement will be here to take good care of you.  Good day, sir."


The End

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 15:55 | 3676467 Doug
Doug's picture

No 'real-world' experience necessary.

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 19:00 | 3677184 d edwards
d edwards's picture

No one wants to be the captain of the Titanic!

Thu, 06/20/2013 - 23:58 | 3678072 Ham of Love
Ham of Love's picture

I'll apply if they can give me some more leverage; I like to get a job done properly. Beard not a problem. 

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