Friday Humor #2: Adding Real, Present-Day People To Old Movie Scripts

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by F.F. Wiley via Cyniconomics blog,

Paul Krugman meets Hannibal Lecter, Barack Obama stymies E.T., Ben Bernanke advises H.I. McDunnough, and more...

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The Silence of the Lambs
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Paul Krugman (as himself): Hmmm … I didn’t realize surveys had such a large multiplier. Remind me to write about the overwhelming case for more census workers.

The Gambler
Axel Freed (James Caan): I’m not going to lose it. I’m going to gamble it.
Jamie Dimon (as himself): Wrong either way, Ax. Repeat after me – you’re not gambling, you’re hedging.

The Color of Money
Eddie Felson (Paul Newman): Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
Ben Bernanke (as himself): If you think those are the only two choices then try hanging with me, Ed.  I’ll show you sweet!

Taxi Driver
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Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), talking to himself in mirror: You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ … you talkin’ to me? Well, I don’t see anyone else here.
Bickle’s phone and computer (in unison): Check again, Trav.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
E.T.: E.T. phone home.
Barack Obama (as himself): Not so fast, alien guy. You’d better hook up that phone thing to our network first.

Liar, Liar
Cop: Why don’t we just take it from the top?
Fletcher Reede (Jim Carrey): Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No … I trolled comment threads and bought embarrassing stuff on eBay.

Apocalypse Now
Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall): Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Paul Krugman (as himself): And just think of the added environmental clean-up costs! It’s hard to find an expense that keeps the stimulus flowing for years and years.

Jaws
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Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider), aiming his rifle at an oxygen tank lodged in the shark’s mouth: Smile you son of a BITCH!
Eric Holder (as himself): Lower the gun, Chief Brody.
Brody: Huh?!?
Holder: New policy, Chief. We let the big fish get away.

Trading Places
Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy): Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning … which means that the people who own pork belly contracts are saying “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip! … So they’re panicking … they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. And then Hilsenrath hits the tape and the price shoots right back up. They called it a put and swore not to scream “SELL!” again.

Escape from New York (no dialog changes necessary)
The Duke (Isaac Hayes in the original, replaced by Lloyd Blankfein in our version): What did I teach you?
President (Donald Pleasance in the original, replaced by Barack Obama in our version): You are the… Duke of New… New York. You’re A-Number One.
The Duke: I can’t hear you!
President: You… You are the Duke of New York! You’re A-Number One!

Animal House
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Bluto (John Belushi): What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Paul Krugman (as himself): No, man, that was just the beginning of America’s great fiscal stimulus experiment. We über-Keynesians know that wars are the quickest route to full employment. Wait, did you say Germans?

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers (Mike Myers): Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh?
Congressperson (any Congressperson): Now, by “pay,” you mean more campaign contributions, right?

The Crying Game
Fergus (Stephen Rea), on his way out after discovering Dil’s little secret: I’m sorry.
Dil (Jaye Davidson in the original, replaced by the aptly-named Jean-Claude Juncker in our version): When it becomes serious, you have to lie.

Ghostbusters
Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Aykroyd): You don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
Timothy Geithner (as himself): I know, I know, I worked for the private sector, too. Well, indirectly I mean, but those Goldman and Citi execs expected results and I delivered.

Field of Dreams
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The Voice: If you build it, he will come.
Paul Krugman (as himself): But it doesn’t really matter if he comes or not. The important thing isn’t the success of the venture – it’s the extra dollars spent!

Titanic
Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio): I’m king of the world!
Ben Bernanke (as himself): Not exactly, Jack.

Raising Arizona
H.I. McDunnough (Nicholas Cage): Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Ben Bernanke (as himself): My-my, H.I., you don’t know about the latest unconventional measures??? Your liquidity injections might just need a little, umm, oomph … some forward guidance and twisting should do the trick.