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Friday Humor #2: Adding Real, Present-Day People To Old Movie Scripts

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Submitted by F.F. Wiley via Cyniconomics blog,

Paul Krugman meets Hannibal Lecter, Barack Obama stymies E.T., Ben Bernanke advises H.I. McDunnough, and more...

silence of the lambs 1

The Silence of the Lambs
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Paul Krugman (as himself): Hmmm … I didn’t realize surveys had such a large multiplier. Remind me to write about the overwhelming case for more census workers.

The Gambler
Axel Freed (James Caan): I’m not going to lose it. I’m going to gamble it.
Jamie Dimon (as himself): Wrong either way, Ax. Repeat after me – you’re not gambling, you’re hedging.

The Color of Money
Eddie Felson (Paul Newman): Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
Ben Bernanke (as himself): If you think those are the only two choices then try hanging with me, Ed.  I’ll show you sweet!

Taxi Driver
taxi driver 1

Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), talking to himself in mirror: You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ … you talkin’ to me? Well, I don’t see anyone else here.
Bickle’s phone and computer (in unison): Check again, Trav.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
E.T.: E.T. phone home.
Barack Obama (as himself): Not so fast, alien guy. You’d better hook up that phone thing to our network first.

Liar, Liar
Cop: Why don’t we just take it from the top?
Fletcher Reede (Jim Carrey): Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No … I trolled comment threads and bought embarrassing stuff on eBay.

Apocalypse Now
Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall): Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Paul Krugman (as himself): And just think of the added environmental clean-up costs! It’s hard to find an expense that keeps the stimulus flowing for years and years.

Jaws
jaws 1

Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider), aiming his rifle at an oxygen tank lodged in the shark’s mouth: Smile you son of a BITCH!
Eric Holder (as himself): Lower the gun, Chief Brody.
Brody: Huh?!?
Holder: New policy, Chief. We let the big fish get away.

Trading Places
Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy): Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning … which means that the people who own pork belly contracts are saying “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip! … So they’re panicking … they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. And then Hilsenrath hits the tape and the price shoots right back up. They called it a put and swore not to scream “SELL!” again.

Escape from New York (no dialog changes necessary)
The Duke (Isaac Hayes in the original, replaced by Lloyd Blankfein in our version): What did I teach you?
President (Donald Pleasance in the original, replaced by Barack Obama in our version): You are the… Duke of New… New York. You’re A-Number One.
The Duke: I can’t hear you!
President: You… You are the Duke of New York! You’re A-Number One!

Animal House
animal house 1 

Bluto (John Belushi): What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Paul Krugman (as himself): No, man, that was just the beginning of America’s great fiscal stimulus experiment. We über-Keynesians know that wars are the quickest route to full employment. Wait, did you say Germans?

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers (Mike Myers): Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh?
Congressperson (any Congressperson): Now, by “pay,” you mean more campaign contributions, right?

The Crying Game
Fergus (Stephen Rea), on his way out after discovering Dil’s little secret: I’m sorry.
Dil (Jaye Davidson in the original, replaced by the aptly-named Jean-Claude Juncker in our version): When it becomes serious, you have to lie.

Ghostbusters
Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Aykroyd): You don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
Timothy Geithner (as himself): I know, I know, I worked for the private sector, too. Well, indirectly I mean, but those Goldman and Citi execs expected results and I delivered.

Field of Dreams
field of dreams 1

The Voice: If you build it, he will come.
Paul Krugman (as himself): But it doesn’t really matter if he comes or not. The important thing isn’t the success of the venture – it’s the extra dollars spent!

Titanic
Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio): I’m king of the world!
Ben Bernanke (as himself): Not exactly, Jack.

Raising Arizona
H.I. McDunnough (Nicholas Cage): Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Ben Bernanke (as himself): My-my, H.I., you don’t know about the latest unconventional measures??? Your liquidity injections might just need a little, umm, oomph … some forward guidance and twisting should do the trick.

 

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Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:33 | 3680744 achmachat
achmachat's picture

I was so expecting the "Field of Dreams" quote!

it's as Krugman as it gets.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:51 | 3680862 Fleecer
Fleecer's picture

"I'll be takin' these huggies and whatever cash you have in the drawer."

--H.I. McDunnah (panty-hose over his head)...  or

--TBTF banker (regarding deposits... aka "post TARP/QE now un-needed excess reserves... aka prop desk fodder)

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:36 | 3680752 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

HeHe

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:46 | 3680757 duo
duo's picture

"This economy is going to see a disaster of Biblical proportions..."

Mayor:  "What do you mean, Biblical proportions?"

"Real old-time Keynsian sutff. Cash and bonds coming down from the sky."

Commodity markets boiling, 40 years of 8% gains, earthquakes pushing up the yen"

GM rising from the grave...

Seniors sacrificed, Krugman and Bernanke sleeping together, mass hysteria!"

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:11 | 3680809 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Mayor: is this true?

ZH: Yes it's true....Bernanke has no dick.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:22 | 3680826 tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture

Baha men: Who let the dogs out?

Bernanke: Me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He82NBjJqf8

 

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:40 | 3680758 kill switch
kill switch's picture

I can't engage in humor at all with what's going on,,,,sorry,, My kids in FEMA CAMPS!!Fuck that

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 21:18 | 3681191 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

I can't engage in humor at all with what's going on

It is the antidote.  It will come very much in handy over the long haul.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:43 | 3680763 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

The Terminator:

Ron Paul: That bernankinator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until we are all dead.

ZH: Can you stop it?

Ron Paul: You can't stop him! He'll wait for you, reach down your throat, and pull your fucking heart out!

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:49 | 3680774 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Buzz if I had a dollar I'd say we open up down huge (stocks) monday. They will bring out the big guns to cap rates here.

I mentioned in another thread I got pretty good word that people were going home today long bonds finally, instead of short. But the word was expect the move to continue upward over time.

I can't reconcile it. Trying to process it.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:49 | 3680777 Creepy Lurker
Creepy Lurker's picture

LMAO! I sooo got the visual of RP saying those things! Awesome.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:45 | 3680857 g'kar
g'kar's picture

You folks are great. From The Ghostbusters to The Terminator you all nailed it.

 

 

I can't post worth a shit but I sit in awe over what I read here.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 02:57 | 3681528 Freddie
Freddie's picture

Field of Dreams

The Voice: If you build it, he will come.

Obama: You didn't built that.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:51 | 3680778 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Nothing's funnier than the elitist, scum sucking bastards in charge of everything we say and do getting away with theft, murder, and slavery. MOAR funny............

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 17:55 | 3680782 Miles Kendig
Miles Kendig's picture

I'm a cyst - Barack Obama (At the diner- elevating Belushi to Mr. Creosote)

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 19:36 | 3680921 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Speaking if cysts, you'll love this ;-)

Samantha Power (Cass Sunstein's old lady) the next UN ambassador, because she's clearly qualified in "worldly matters" after getting the Big-O mixed up in Libya...lol.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 21:30 | 3681205 Miles Kendig
Miles Kendig's picture

Filthy Hippies .... trying to make the world safe in the name of saving a life while taking scores more.  Hella stimulus ; )

“Samantha Power is a solid choice to serve as United States Ambassador to the United Nations,” Graham said in a statement. “She has the background, intellect, and toughness to fill this important diplomatic post at a time of great conflict and rising danger throughout the world.”

-  Lindsey Graham  

“I believe she is well-qualified for this important position,” he said, “and hope the Senate will move forward on her nomination as soon as possible.”

-  John McCain 

http://thehill.com/blogs/global-affairs/un-treaties/304285-graham-joins-...

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:15 | 3681727 nmewn
nmewn's picture

It really is like living in an alternate universe these days Miles.

Rice is promoted to National Security Advisor because apparently YouTube security, as opposed to the security of a CIA compound in Benghazi, was of the utmost importance.

And these fuckers (McCain & Graham) sliding shit into NDAA and now immigration...don't know if you've seen it...but, for example...

The crime..."Willful attempt by any person to
evade or defeat any tax or the
payment of any tax."
 
For illegal immigrants..."Eligible for crime to be
waived for RPI status."
 
For the US citizen..."Imprisonment of up to 5 years or
a fine up to $100,000 (or both) under under 26 U.S.C. 7201."

http://www.fairus.org/_blog/Immigration_2013_Reports_and_Research/post/crime-pays-under-s744/

Lets just call it what it is...corporations want cheap labor and politicians will sell their souls to the devil to stay in office.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:00 | 3680792 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

Total Information Awareness - Social Networking Sites (mirror)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utdpUMClKCc (5:17)

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:21 | 3680823 BandGap
BandGap's picture

Je bois, donc, je suis.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:50 | 3680863 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Tu bois, donc, tu est biture.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 18:29 | 3680833 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

Free Markets:  (Bernank laughing) http://youtu.be/zdJ8x6lyrfo

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 19:25 | 3680872 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Where's the "Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch" clip?... Other 'also ran's'

~~~

PETER FINCH ~ Network

BILL MURRAY ~ Ghostbusters, Stripes, Groundhog Day

BRUCE WILLIS ~ Die Hard

ORSON WELLES ~ Citizen Kane

PAUL NEWMAN ~ Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, The Color of Money

JACK NICHOLSON ~ 5 Easy Pieces, Easy Rider, The Shining, A Few Good Men

MARLON BRANDO ~ On The Waterfront, Apocalypse Now, Godfather

CLARK GABLE ~ Gone With the Wind

HENRY FONDA ~ The Grapes of Wrath

GREGORY PECK ~ To Kill a Mockingbird

AL PACINO ~ Dog Day Afternoon

BOB DUVALL ~ Apocalypse Now

CLINT EASTWOOD ~ Unforgiven, High Plains Drifter

MATT DAMON ~ Good Will Hunting

ED NORTON/BRAD PITT ~ The Fight Club

RUSSELL CROWE ~ A Beautiful Mind, Gladiator

FRANK LANGELLA ~ Frost/Nixon

KIRK DOUGLAS/SIR LAWRENCE OLIVIER ~ Spartacus

BILL HOLDEN ~ Sunset Blvd.

MONTGOMERY CLIFT ~ From Here to Eternity

YUL BRYNNER ~ The 10 Commandments

JIMMY DEAN ~ Rebel Without a Cause

ALEC GUINESS ~ Bridge Over the River Kwai, Star Wars

BURT LANCASTER ~ Elmer Gantry, Atlantic City, Birdman of Alcatraz

SIDNEY POITIER ~ Lillies of the Field

JOHN WAYNE ~ True Grit

GEORGE C SCOTT ~ Patton

~~~

&, of course... The 2nd greatest moment in cinematography of ALL TIME... SAMUEL L. JACKSON

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ2QFmJ7h0A

2nd only to... PETER GRAVES

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfgO90yGusI

 

 

 

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 08:59 | 3681666 TheFuture_MrGittes
TheFuture_MrGittes's picture

Ned Beatty (Arthur Jensen) might be a better rewrite for Network.

"You have meddled with the primal forces of central banking, Mr. Bernanke, and I won't have it!! Is that clear?! You think you've merely hinted at tapering QE. That is not the case. The banks have fearlessly gambled with trillions of fiat dollars in derivatives, and now they must be made whole! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is economical balance!

You are an old man who thinks in terms of a recovery, a return to risk and reward. There is no recovery! There are no risks. It is all reward. There are no losses. There are no write-downs. There are no jubilees. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of debt-based fiat dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, Euros, RMB, rubles, pounds, and shekels.

It is the international system of fiat currency which determines the totality of balance sheets on this planet. That is the 'new' natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of central banking, and YOU WILL ATONE!

Am I getting through to you, Mr. Bernanke?

You get up on your little thirty-six inch screen and howl about America and recovery. There is no America. There is no recovery. There is only Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan and UBS and HSBC, Barclays, Credit Suisse, and NM Rothschild. Those are the nations of the world today.

What do you think the Bankers talk about in their councils of state -- Milton Friedman? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, minimax solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, throw them in the bin and front-run the Fed, just like we do.

We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Bernanke. The world is a college of expropriations, inexorably determined by the highly mutable bylaws of central planning. The world is an oligarchy, Mr. Bernanke. It has been since man first crawled to the state . And our children will live, Mr. Bernanke, to see that perfect world in which there's war or famine, oppression or brutality, whatever we need -- one vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all lesser men will work to serve our profit, in which all men will hold an overvalued share of stock, all necessities expensive, all anxieties medicated, all boredom amused.

And I have chosen you, Mr. Bernanke, to preach this evangel."

Bernanke: "But why me?"

Jensen: "Because you're the Fed Chairman, dummy"

Bernanke: "I have seen the face of God"

Jensen: "And now, like us, you must do God's work."

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 20:13 | 3680884 jesusonline
jesusonline's picture

Good stuff all around :)

NBC's got some delightful Hannibal series going on btw. Season 2 contract signed up - in spite of kinda low ratings. Mikkelsen's take on Hannibal is first rate. 

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 19:41 | 3680933 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Three step program

 

 

If you defy our wishes.

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 20:51 | 3681131 eaglerock
eaglerock's picture

Dirty Ben:

" I bet I know what you're thinking- did he commit to five rounds of QE or 6?  And you know what, in all the confusion I kind of forgot myself.  So you have to ask yourself one thing.  Do I feel lucky?   Well do ya punk?"

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 20:57 | 3681149 eaglerock
eaglerock's picture

Hey, now that Krugman is in the movies, maybe will be the first with the NEGOT-  Nobel, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony award!   One up on Tracy Jordan and Whoopie. 

Fri, 06/21/2013 - 21:20 | 3681195 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

Isn't it funnier if Obama gives a free phone to E.T. as the initial setup for the joke?  Is it just me?

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