Fact Or Fiction: Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again

Tyler Durden's picture

Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector told reporters Monday that they are just about ready to completely destroy the world again.

Representatives from all major banking and investment institutions cited recent increases in consumer spending, rebounding home prices, and a stabilizing unemployment rate as confirmation that the time had once again come to inflict another round of catastrophic financial losses on individuals and businesses worldwide.

“It’s been about five or six years since we last crippled every major market on the planet, so it seems like the time is right for us to get back out there and start ruining the lives of billions of people again,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “We gave it some time and let everyone get a little comfortable, and now we’re looking to get back on the old horse, shatter some consumer confidence, and flat-out kill any optimism for a stable global economy for years to come.”

“People are beginning to feel at ease spending money and investing in their futures again,” Blankfein continued. “That’s the perfect time to step in and do what we do best: rip the heart right out of the world’s economy.”

According to sources, the overwhelming majority of investment bankers are “ready to get the ball rolling” by approving a host of complex and poorly understood debt-backed securities that are doomed to quickly default, as well as issuing startlingly high-risk loans certain to drive thousands of companies into insolvency.

Top-level executives also told reporters that when it comes to depleting the life savings of millions of people and sending every major national economy into a tailspin, they feel “refreshed and raring to go.”

“The other day I actually overheard someone on the sidewalk utter the words ‘I’m saving up for retirement,’ and right away I thought to myself, ‘Well, time to get down to work,’” said Morgan Stanley chairman James P. Gorman, adding that the increasing number of individuals entertaining ideas of starting their own businesses or buying houses was the financial sector’s cue to set off another devastating global recession. “We’re definitely thinking on a huge scale again, because we all really enjoy toying with the livelihoods of millions of people overseas and forcing them to wonder why reckless, split-second decisions made thousands of miles away dictate their whole country’s socioeconomic future.”

“Plus, it’ll be nice to finally wipe out the Euro once and for all this time,” Gorman added.

While most private equity firms, investment banks, and hedge funds are reportedly still undecided on the precise route to take in order to torpedo the job market and crash all international stock exchanges, sources confirmed they are nearly in position to resume gambling away trillions of dollars belonging to the American populace.

“We’ve got a lot of options on the table; it’s just a matter of picking which one we want to use to paralyze every single sector of the world economy,” said Capital One executive vice president Peter Schnall. “We already burst the dot-com and housing bubbles, so this time we can maybe mix it up by popping the education bubble and shattering the lives of everyone with outstanding student loans. Or maybe we’ll artificially inflate prices of stocks in social media companies and then pull the rug out, bankrupting every investor tied to companies like Facebook and Twitter. Or do both.”

“On second thought, maybe we’ll wipe out the housing market again too, just for the hell of it,” Schnall quickly added. “Might as well, right?”

According to a recent survey of Wall Street officials, 82 percent said they were “excited to shake off the rust” and send the Dow and NASDAQ into another freefall. Additionally, 75 percent of respondents admitted they have been “champing at the bit” for months to wholly undermine the nation’s local banks and money market accounts, leaving Americans too terrified to leave their savings anywhere.

Moreover, the chief financial officers from Bank of America, Citigroup, JPMorgan Chase, and Wells Fargo unanimously told reporters that it has been “way too long” since they last saw the utterly dejected faces of American families whose homes had just been foreclosed on due to circumstances totally beyond their control.

“Now that the public’s efforts to curtail questionable Wall Street trading practices have all but ceased, it’s time for us to bring the world to its knees again,” said AIG CEO Robert Benmosche. “There are still plenty of opaque financial derivatives, high-frequency trading operations, and off-balance sheet transactions out there, all with virtually no federal regulation. Trust me, we can definitely work with that. And if anything, we can always just lobby for further concessions and deregulation in Washington—which, by the way, is so, so easy to do—and then we can cause as much damage as we want.”

Added Benmosche, “And while we’re at it, we’ll make sure we once again come away from this whole thing scot-free and far wealthier.”

(Source: the Onion)

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fonzannoon's picture

Laughter may be the way to go here. Get the truth out Jon Stewart style so people are too stupid to walk into their bank and save their ass.

Meanwhile the 401k world is waking up to having to decide whether they want to get ass raped by their bond funds or their stock funds. 

Financial repression sure is a fucking hoot.

WmMcK's picture

"Financial repression sure is a fucking hoot."

Didn't Rick James say that?

fonzannoon's picture

he did in that famous argument with Charlie murphy.

Oh regional Indian's picture

Apropos, humor is the only way truth gets out when the king has gone crazy.

They tend to spare the jesters till the end...


PS: The emperor is nekkid...


imapopulistnow's picture

The only thing the Onion missed was how they are actually carrying it out by shorting bonds and driving up rates.

fonzannoon's picture

who knew the way to go to ensure higher deficits was not war but to ram up the interest expense on the debt.

This makes for one hell of a debt ceiling weekend in August.

Al Huxley's picture

WTF?  What's this debt ceiling you speak of?  If its not being recycled day and night by the MSM as the crisis-de-jour, as a member of the general public, with important shit on my mind, I can't be expected to remember it.

SafelyGraze's picture

"but anyway, I am all the way *out* of pm and I'm going all the way *in* to cars."


and also, recycled plastics

Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

1% move in the 10 year = $200 billion dollar move in IR swaps.  The reason Meredith Whitney's "state/muni bond apocolypse" hasn't happened yet was due to the unbelievably low 10 year.  I can't say a ton due to my position IRL, but again, 2.5% is the red line where a sustained move above that mark = several large states/municipalities are FUCKED.

disabledvet's picture

Detroit is done. that is a MASSIVE "former" City...the size of some countries actually. BROKE. SHAME ON YOU USA. now here comes your debt rollover...in a barrel over Niagra Falls. we're so deluded Over Here the the fact that everyone knows it's coming only means "two feet on the accelerator and let's make it sooner and more spectacular."

icanhasbailout's picture

The Onion showed its true colors as a government dick-sucking propaganda outlet with its articles relating to the Snowden affair. Pure narrative shaping without even a credible attempt to be humorous.

Renfield's picture

I agree. This article sounds like the only thing wrong with asset bubbles, is the audacity of the pigs when they dare to let them burst.

I gave it a "3" for mild humour and for at least getting the villain partly right and naming some names, even though their outrage is at the thought of the one thing that needs to happen.

The Onion gets a "You Tried" star for mentioning it, I guess. Although even Barky knows how to position himself "on the side of the people" and their ever-spiralling levels of wasteful, planet-choking debt, and I'm not sure that the Onion has done much more here than that.

spine001's picture

The whole article is idiotic, they would never say things in that tone and they would never have those intentions. What they want is to get the maximum wealth under their control that still enables them to have control. The statements above would not let them have control and they would be among the loosers. They are not that stupid. I find the article misleading and idiotizing since it may make a lot of people believe that this could be true, when I can't be further from the truth. They are absolute SOBs, but the narrative above would not be in their benefit, thus, it is far away from the current conversations and true elite agreements.


Until next time,


Al Huxley's picture

You seem unfamiliar with sarcasm, and non-slapstick styles of humor in general.  Which part of Germany are you from?

befuddled's picture

Could be Swiss, though German-Swiss.

They like to laugh at fried eggs.

Tom Servo's picture

I believe the word you're looking for is ..... Satire.   I think it's a well written piece, remember the audience, they're sheep remember?


DeadFred's picture

I'm waiting for The NSA Files to be published so I can find out what they really are saying. I wonder if they are more circumspect with their Muppet comments now that they know every call is recorded.

SubjectivObject's picture

Go eat an onion and get back to us.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Engineer, I think you may be only "sort of" right -- in a parametric sense.

If these ppl have a global/NWO agenda and the proverbial "power of God", then at some point they will HAVE to tackle the excessive breeding success of the human species into consideration, and its catastrophic effects on the rest of the global ecosystems.

Something tells me that a "Georgia Guidestones Event Horizon" is on the horizon. And that a new set of Chosen People will be chosen to come out the other side of that 'black hole'. I also expect some earth whacking events, where the color temperature (of a Planckian emitter) will be >10,000 deg. K.

not applicable's picture

"Stimulus is a hell of drug"

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


Laughter may be the way to go here.

The joke is on The Onion. They think that they're being satirical.

Vooter's picture

I have no doubt that the guys at the Onion know exactly how close to the truth they are--that's why it's funny...

oddjob's picture

Making a joke of it 'Jon Leibowitz style' makes people think just that, its a joke. People would be better off tuning that shill out. If jon was actually serious about exposing the truth he might mention the death of Michael Hastings, but thats not funny.

fonzannoon's picture

agreed completely. The fake rage that he will display on his show when it happens should win him an emmy.

He will be instrumental in ushering out government backed annuities to replace the market.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

The canticle to Mr. Leibowitz is making him popular with the intellectual, liberal crowd, and a rich man. That's his "schtick", I believe.

Flakmeister's picture

The fact that he is at the start of a 3 month sabbatical from before Micheal Hastings accident tells me you aren;t interested in any "truth" unless it fits your preconcieved biases....

oddjob's picture

It does not suprise me you know his schedule.

Flakmeister's picture

Do you have a problem with me and my lady chillin with some semi-intelligent banter every now and then? Would would you suggest? Swamp People?

B2u's picture

It may be from The Onion, but it is true and the only difference is the TBTF banks only say these things in private.

RSloane's picture

Once again life is imitating art. I have no doubts some of those conversations have actually taken place.

Zero Point's picture

I have only slightly less doubts that it's a correct assessment.

fonzannoon's picture

Good morning RSloane. I keep thinking and thinking about this. They either have to have a massive takedown of stocks next week if they want yields back in check. Or they actually want yields to keep rising. Unless they are ready to unleash hell I keep thinking it has to be the first choice...and even then it might be a bit late. 

whaddaya think?

tip e. canoe's picture

not RSloane, but agree with your analysis fonz.

have a tinfoil theory that the "rising yields" was equivalent to the "Flash Crash" (in motivation).

a message to someone(s) behind the curtain...either that or a dry run...take your pick.

fonzannoon's picture

thanks tip that should have been put out there to everyone. It may not be over yet but goldilocks got taken out back and beaten into a coma. where do we go from here?

Antifederalist's picture


In bonds, stocks, anything to raise cash and unwind leverage.

Ultimately up, in real money terms.  Goldilocks is dead.  Maybe on a respirator, but brain dead.

History in the making.


kito's picture

you are all getting wayyyy ahead of yourselves.......this was a TEST OF THE MARKETS........and as soon as hell broke loose they had bullard signal the opposite....the markets will hang on bullards words............stocks are going higher for now.............................

Renfield's picture

Kito, I'm no financial whiz, but FWIW I'm inclined to agree. And since central planning has made real trading rather irrelevant, guessing will-they/won't-they for the central planners is a game anyone can play.

If there is a 'crash', then it was known about, telegraphed at FOMC, and is being kicked off by the Fed. (Who could then plausibly be accused later of doing the responsible thing and 'taking away the punchbowl'.)

When the real crash happens, I just don't think the Fed will be in control of it but will be doing their best to try to deny it, reverse it, and hide the bodies. I bet this whole thing is a head-fake by Bermonkey to try to save some shred of a 'legacy'.

Not that traders won't be feeling some pain from even a short, 'controlled' down week....

kito's picture

it could be a legacy thing....but i dont think so...i really think it was time to gauge if the markets have legs....they are delusional to believe that its possible....thats where their hubris comes into play......the idea that they can reverse the irreversible...that their actions have actually helped the economy...and that it can stand on its own......clueless academics..totally ridiculous....but thats what they were gauging.....and........FAIL.......................enter curtain left.....bullard...................

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

When The Real Crash comes, you'll know about it because you'll hear it in stereo or "DoD Surround Sound"(tm). /s

tip e. canoe's picture

where do we go from here?

well, to each his own, but i would propose as far away from the strings that are being pulled as possible for you and your family's tolerance level.

The Cleanse may not be here yet, but it is indeed approaching.

imbtween's picture

I know that some long term precious metals holders are being spooked out of their positions, but I've never seen a better BTFPMD moment EVER.

Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

It's all getting sold Fonz.  HNW is in cash and land/RE, primarily.  They're willing to take the temporary hit to the land/RE prices.  Note also those massive, massive drawdowns in physical gold around the Cyprus event.  

Again, there is no bond vs. stock fulcrum.  10 tonne hammer on the entire structure.  Think inverse pyramid.



fonzannoon's picture

We will see man. They squeezed a bit too much toothpaste out with this move.

I know bond traders who covered and went home long Friday. That makes me wonder. We may have a bit more to go.

RSloane's picture

Good morning Fonz!

I agree its the first choice, and its a bit late to execute that kind of market manipulation. I cannot for the life of me imagine that the Fed wants the yields to keep rising. That would belie everything that Bernanke et al have worked for in the last five years.

Why would they spend trillions upon trillions to watch their yields rise? It doesn't make sense. A massive take down of stocks makes perfect sense to them. I am enjoying the us versus them mentality though, they created the problem and now want to destroy it. Who would have thought Bernanke would look at the stock market and say "its you or me pal, and you're going down"? Yet that is precisely what's happening and going to happen.

We will know more in the next two weeks. The Fed is losing control, and Bernanke is overwhelmed. His  choices are now painful versus excrutiating pain. Either way, he is going to lose.

fonzannoon's picture

It comes off like the sloppiest fed handoff ever. Bernanke gets religious, announces there is growth, announces the end to QE, spikes rates stupidly to validate his thesis and then hops in a cab and high tails it out of town.

My guess was the December tapering was so that the 85 bil/mo continues to try to buy bonds and hold things together. Maybe throw in a weaker than expected NFP report if necessary.

These last two months were about his legacy, and he is willing to play roulette with the whole financial system to leave with a shine on his bald head. Amazing.

RSloane's picture

Yup. This is all about his personal legacy. Who got richer during his premiership and who got poorer? I guess we should all be grateful to him though, without his power we would have something like half the country on food stamps and millions underemployed! That would have been completely unacceptable. Thank you Bernanke!

game theory's picture

I wonder though...how can the handoff not be sloppy? This whole economy is the duct-taped, glued-together remains of a titanic fraud that was never prosecuted...and we're supposed to pretend the result will be a rebuilt fancy cruise liner? No prosecutions with the same leaders at the banks and in politics means that we'll get fraud again. So the QE was itself a sloppy fix for a collapsed system. And the gov't thinks the best use for that cheap money is to hand out IRS bonuses and some more defense contracts.   That misallocated capital is a recipe for future misery.