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Fact Or Fiction: Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again

Tyler Durden's picture


Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector told reporters Monday that they are just about ready to completely destroy the world again.

Representatives from all major banking and investment institutions cited recent increases in consumer spending, rebounding home prices, and a stabilizing unemployment rate as confirmation that the time had once again come to inflict another round of catastrophic financial losses on individuals and businesses worldwide.

“It’s been about five or six years since we last crippled every major market on the planet, so it seems like the time is right for us to get back out there and start ruining the lives of billions of people again,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “We gave it some time and let everyone get a little comfortable, and now we’re looking to get back on the old horse, shatter some consumer confidence, and flat-out kill any optimism for a stable global economy for years to come.”

“People are beginning to feel at ease spending money and investing in their futures again,” Blankfein continued. “That’s the perfect time to step in and do what we do best: rip the heart right out of the world’s economy.”

According to sources, the overwhelming majority of investment bankers are “ready to get the ball rolling” by approving a host of complex and poorly understood debt-backed securities that are doomed to quickly default, as well as issuing startlingly high-risk loans certain to drive thousands of companies into insolvency.

Top-level executives also told reporters that when it comes to depleting the life savings of millions of people and sending every major national economy into a tailspin, they feel “refreshed and raring to go.”

“The other day I actually overheard someone on the sidewalk utter the words ‘I’m saving up for retirement,’ and right away I thought to myself, ‘Well, time to get down to work,’” said Morgan Stanley chairman James P. Gorman, adding that the increasing number of individuals entertaining ideas of starting their own businesses or buying houses was the financial sector’s cue to set off another devastating global recession. “We’re definitely thinking on a huge scale again, because we all really enjoy toying with the livelihoods of millions of people overseas and forcing them to wonder why reckless, split-second decisions made thousands of miles away dictate their whole country’s socioeconomic future.”

“Plus, it’ll be nice to finally wipe out the Euro once and for all this time,” Gorman added.

While most private equity firms, investment banks, and hedge funds are reportedly still undecided on the precise route to take in order to torpedo the job market and crash all international stock exchanges, sources confirmed they are nearly in position to resume gambling away trillions of dollars belonging to the American populace.

“We’ve got a lot of options on the table; it’s just a matter of picking which one we want to use to paralyze every single sector of the world economy,” said Capital One executive vice president Peter Schnall. “We already burst the dot-com and housing bubbles, so this time we can maybe mix it up by popping the education bubble and shattering the lives of everyone with outstanding student loans. Or maybe we’ll artificially inflate prices of stocks in social media companies and then pull the rug out, bankrupting every investor tied to companies like Facebook and Twitter. Or do both.”

“On second thought, maybe we’ll wipe out the housing market again too, just for the hell of it,” Schnall quickly added. “Might as well, right?”

According to a recent survey of Wall Street officials, 82 percent said they were “excited to shake off the rust” and send the Dow and NASDAQ into another freefall. Additionally, 75 percent of respondents admitted they have been “champing at the bit” for months to wholly undermine the nation’s local banks and money market accounts, leaving Americans too terrified to leave their savings anywhere.

Moreover, the chief financial officers from Bank of America, Citigroup, JPMorgan Chase, and Wells Fargo unanimously told reporters that it has been “way too long” since they last saw the utterly dejected faces of American families whose homes had just been foreclosed on due to circumstances totally beyond their control.

“Now that the public’s efforts to curtail questionable Wall Street trading practices have all but ceased, it’s time for us to bring the world to its knees again,” said AIG CEO Robert Benmosche. “There are still plenty of opaque financial derivatives, high-frequency trading operations, and off-balance sheet transactions out there, all with virtually no federal regulation. Trust me, we can definitely work with that. And if anything, we can always just lobby for further concessions and deregulation in Washington—which, by the way, is so, so easy to do—and then we can cause as much damage as we want.”

Added Benmosche, “And while we’re at it, we’ll make sure we once again come away from this whole thing scot-free and far wealthier.”

(Source: the Onion)


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Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:38 | 3681754 Zero Point
Zero Point's picture


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:43 | 3681762 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Laughter may be the way to go here. Get the truth out Jon Stewart style so people are too stupid to walk into their bank and save their ass.

Meanwhile the 401k world is waking up to having to decide whether they want to get ass raped by their bond funds or their stock funds. 

Financial repression sure is a fucking hoot.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:48 | 3681771 WmMcK
WmMcK's picture

"Financial repression sure is a fucking hoot."

Didn't Rick James say that?

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:51 | 3681775 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

he did in that famous argument with Charlie murphy.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:30 | 3681827 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

Apropos, humor is the only way truth gets out when the king has gone crazy.

They tend to spare the jesters till the end...


PS: The emperor is nekkid...

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:54 | 3681856 imapopulistnow
imapopulistnow's picture

The only thing the Onion missed was how they are actually carrying it out by shorting bonds and driving up rates.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:59 | 3681864 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

who knew the way to go to ensure higher deficits was not war but to ram up the interest expense on the debt.

This makes for one hell of a debt ceiling weekend in August.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:39 | 3681902 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

WTF?  What's this debt ceiling you speak of?  If its not being recycled day and night by the MSM as the crisis-de-jour, as a member of the general public, with important shit on my mind, I can't be expected to remember it.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 17:21 | 3682425 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

learn to short


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:59 | 3681865 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

"but anyway, I am all the way *out* of pm and I'm going all the way *in* to cars."

and also, recycled plastics

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:40 | 3681903 Panafrican Funk...
Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

1% move in the 10 year = $200 billion dollar move in IR swaps.  The reason Meredith Whitney's "state/muni bond apocolypse" hasn't happened yet was due to the unbelievably low 10 year.  I can't say a ton due to my position IRL, but again, 2.5% is the red line where a sustained move above that mark = several large states/municipalities are FUCKED.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:50 | 3682017 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

Detroit is done. that is a MASSIVE "former" City...the size of some countries actually. BROKE. SHAME ON YOU USA. now here comes your debt a barrel over Niagra Falls. we're so deluded Over Here the the fact that everyone knows it's coming only means "two feet on the accelerator and let's make it sooner and more spectacular."

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:42 | 3681908 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

The Onion showed its true colors as a government dick-sucking propaganda outlet with its articles relating to the Snowden affair. Pure narrative shaping without even a credible attempt to be humorous.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:43 | 3681971 Renfield
Renfield's picture

I agree. This article sounds like the only thing wrong with asset bubbles, is the audacity of the pigs when they dare to let them burst.

I gave it a "3" for mild humour and for at least getting the villain partly right and naming some names, even though their outrage is at the thought of the one thing that needs to happen.

The Onion gets a "You Tried" star for mentioning it, I guess. Although even Barky knows how to position himself "on the side of the people" and their ever-spiralling levels of wasteful, planet-choking debt, and I'm not sure that the Onion has done much more here than that.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:00 | 3681868 spine001
spine001's picture

The whole article is idiotic, they would never say things in that tone and they would never have those intentions. What they want is to get the maximum wealth under their control that still enables them to have control. The statements above would not let them have control and they would be among the loosers. They are not that stupid. I find the article misleading and idiotizing since it may make a lot of people believe that this could be true, when I can't be further from the truth. They are absolute SOBs, but the narrative above would not be in their benefit, thus, it is far away from the current conversations and true elite agreements.


Until next time,


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:05 | 3681874 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

you forgot your sarc tag

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:40 | 3681904 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

You seem unfamiliar with sarcasm, and non-slapstick styles of humor in general.  Which part of Germany are you from?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 09:40 | 3686555 befuddled
befuddled's picture

Could be Swiss, though German-Swiss.

They like to laugh at fried eggs.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:41 | 3681906 Tom Servo
Tom Servo's picture

I believe the word you're looking for is ..... Satire.   I think it's a well written piece, remember the audience, they're sheep remember?


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:50 | 3681923 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

I'm waiting for The NSA Files to be published so I can find out what they really are saying. I wonder if they are more circumspect with their Muppet comments now that they know every call is recorded.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:01 | 3681943 SubjectivObject
SubjectivObject's picture

Go eat an onion and get back to us.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:07 | 3682124 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Engineer, I think you may be only "sort of" right -- in a parametric sense.

If these ppl have a global/NWO agenda and the proverbial "power of God", then at some point they will HAVE to tackle the excessive breeding success of the human species into consideration, and its catastrophic effects on the rest of the global ecosystems.

Something tells me that a "Georgia Guidestones Event Horizon" is on the horizon. And that a new set of Chosen People will be chosen to come out the other side of that 'black hole'. I also expect some earth whacking events, where the color temperature (of a Planckian emitter) will be >10,000 deg. K.

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 00:09 | 3683046 not applicable
not applicable's picture

"Stimulus is a hell of drug"

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:15 | 3681808 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


Laughter may be the way to go here.

The joke is on The Onion. They think that they're being satirical.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:27 | 3681825 Vooter
Vooter's picture

I have no doubt that the guys at the Onion know exactly how close to the truth they are--that's why it's funny...

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:46 | 3681847 oddjob
oddjob's picture

Making a joke of it 'Jon Leibowitz style' makes people think just that, its a joke. People would be better off tuning that shill out. If jon was actually serious about exposing the truth he might mention the death of Michael Hastings, but thats not funny.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:49 | 3681851 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

agreed completely. The fake rage that he will display on his show when it happens should win him an emmy.

He will be instrumental in ushering out government backed annuities to replace the market.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:13 | 3682081 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

The canticle to Mr. Leibowitz is making him popular with the intellectual, liberal crowd, and a rich man. That's his "schtick", I believe.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:19 | 3682144 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

The fact that he is at the start of a 3 month sabbatical from before Micheal Hastings accident tells me you aren;t interested in any "truth" unless it fits your preconcieved biases....

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:35 | 3682165 oddjob
oddjob's picture

It does not suprise me you know his schedule.

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 22:29 | 3683073 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

Do you have a problem with me and my lady chillin with some semi-intelligent banter every now and then? Would would you suggest? Swamp People?

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:41 | 3681756 B2u
B2u's picture

It may be from The Onion, but it is true and the only difference is the TBTF banks only say these things in private.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:41 | 3681759 RSloane
RSloane's picture

Once again life is imitating art. I have no doubts some of those conversations have actually taken place.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:44 | 3681765 Zero Point
Zero Point's picture

I have only slightly less doubts that it's a correct assessment.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:47 | 3681770 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Good morning RSloane. I keep thinking and thinking about this. They either have to have a massive takedown of stocks next week if they want yields back in check. Or they actually want yields to keep rising. Unless they are ready to unleash hell I keep thinking it has to be the first choice...and even then it might be a bit late. 

whaddaya think?

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:56 | 3681781 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

not RSloane, but agree with your analysis fonz.

have a tinfoil theory that the "rising yields" was equivalent to the "Flash Crash" (in motivation).

a message to someone(s) behind the curtain...either that or a dry run...take your pick.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:00 | 3681786 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

thanks tip that should have been put out there to everyone. It may not be over yet but goldilocks got taken out back and beaten into a coma. where do we go from here?

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:15 | 3681809 Antifederalist
Antifederalist's picture


In bonds, stocks, anything to raise cash and unwind leverage.

Ultimately up, in real money terms.  Goldilocks is dead.  Maybe on a respirator, but brain dead.

History in the making.


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:14 | 3681965 kito
kito's picture

you are all getting wayyyy ahead of yourselves.......this was a TEST OF THE MARKETS........and as soon as hell broke loose they had bullard signal the opposite....the markets will hang on bullards words............stocks are going higher for now.............................

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:32 | 3681983 Renfield
Renfield's picture

Kito, I'm no financial whiz, but FWIW I'm inclined to agree. And since central planning has made real trading rather irrelevant, guessing will-they/won't-they for the central planners is a game anyone can play.

If there is a 'crash', then it was known about, telegraphed at FOMC, and is being kicked off by the Fed. (Who could then plausibly be accused later of doing the responsible thing and 'taking away the punchbowl'.)

When the real crash happens, I just don't think the Fed will be in control of it but will be doing their best to try to deny it, reverse it, and hide the bodies. I bet this whole thing is a head-fake by Bermonkey to try to save some shred of a 'legacy'.

Not that traders won't be feeling some pain from even a short, 'controlled' down week....

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:35 | 3681989 kito
kito's picture

it could be a legacy thing....but i dont think so...i really think it was time to gauge if the markets have legs....they are delusional to believe that its possible....thats where their hubris comes into play......the idea that they can reverse the irreversible...that their actions have actually helped the economy...and that it can stand on its own......clueless academics..totally ridiculous....but thats what they were gauging.....and........FAIL.......................enter curtain left.....bullard...................

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:46 | 3682086 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

When The Real Crash comes, you'll know about it because you'll hear it in stereo or "DoD Surround Sound"(tm). /s

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:40 | 3681843 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

where do we go from here?

well, to each his own, but i would propose as far away from the strings that are being pulled as possible for you and your family's tolerance level.

The Cleanse may not be here yet, but it is indeed approaching.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:54 | 3681857 imbtween
imbtween's picture

I know that some long term precious metals holders are being spooked out of their positions, but I've never seen a better BTFPMD moment EVER.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:49 | 3681920 Panafrican Funk...
Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

It's all getting sold Fonz.  HNW is in cash and land/RE, primarily.  They're willing to take the temporary hit to the land/RE prices.  Note also those massive, massive drawdowns in physical gold around the Cyprus event.  

Again, there is no bond vs. stock fulcrum.  10 tonne hammer on the entire structure.  Think inverse pyramid.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:56 | 3682107 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

We will see man. They squeezed a bit too much toothpaste out with this move.

I know bond traders who covered and went home long Friday. That makes me wonder. We may have a bit more to go.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:20 | 3681813 RSloane
RSloane's picture

Good morning Fonz!

I agree its the first choice, and its a bit late to execute that kind of market manipulation. I cannot for the life of me imagine that the Fed wants the yields to keep rising. That would belie everything that Bernanke et al have worked for in the last five years.

Why would they spend trillions upon trillions to watch their yields rise? It doesn't make sense. A massive take down of stocks makes perfect sense to them. I am enjoying the us versus them mentality though, they created the problem and now want to destroy it. Who would have thought Bernanke would look at the stock market and say "its you or me pal, and you're going down"? Yet that is precisely what's happening and going to happen.

We will know more in the next two weeks. The Fed is losing control, and Bernanke is overwhelmed. His  choices are now painful versus excrutiating pain. Either way, he is going to lose.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:26 | 3681823 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

It comes off like the sloppiest fed handoff ever. Bernanke gets religious, announces there is growth, announces the end to QE, spikes rates stupidly to validate his thesis and then hops in a cab and high tails it out of town.

My guess was the December tapering was so that the 85 bil/mo continues to try to buy bonds and hold things together. Maybe throw in a weaker than expected NFP report if necessary.

These last two months were about his legacy, and he is willing to play roulette with the whole financial system to leave with a shine on his bald head. Amazing.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:01 | 3681870 RSloane
RSloane's picture

Yup. This is all about his personal legacy. Who got richer during his premiership and who got poorer? I guess we should all be grateful to him though, without his power we would have something like half the country on food stamps and millions underemployed! That would have been completely unacceptable. Thank you Bernanke!

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:17 | 3681969 game theory
game theory's picture

I wonder can the handoff not be sloppy? This whole economy is the duct-taped, glued-together remains of a titanic fraud that was never prosecuted...and we're supposed to pretend the result will be a rebuilt fancy cruise liner? No prosecutions with the same leaders at the banks and in politics means that we'll get fraud again. So the QE was itself a sloppy fix for a collapsed system. And the gov't thinks the best use for that cheap money is to hand out IRS bonuses and some more defense contracts.   That misallocated capital is a recipe for future misery.   

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:06 | 3682025 Jam Akin
Jam Akin's picture

Could be that with massive flow of money out of treasuries globally, it is finally time to crush the equity markets again to provide the justification for government to take the steps needed "to provide for the retirement security of all Americans" via mandating IRA/401K/etc investment in "safe secure" treasury bonds.   Which bonds will need to have a slightly higher rate of return than in the immediate past for this to seem plausible to the "sufferers" during the time when changes are implemented.


If not now, it will happen at some point down the road.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:47 | 3681909 g'kar
g'kar's picture

"I cannot for the life of me imagine that the Fed wants the yields to keep rising."


Fundamentally Transform America

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 00:16 | 3683050 not applicable
not applicable's picture

Yes, it seems the Fed is losing control and the Bernanke is overwhelmed, but has anyone taken into account the Plunge Protection Team?

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:37 | 3681898 kito
kito's picture

fonz, stocks will start heading higher again.....last week was nothing more than a test by the bernank to gauge the market.......that is why we saw the unusual and highly vocal rebuttal by bullard......very obvious to sandwich is well within reach.........

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:54 | 3682102 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

If stocks stay stable or climb higher, which is a very real possibility, the 10yr heads towards 2.75%

I am not saying this is the end. But they pushed the envelope a bit. They will sacrafice stocks for bonds until they are truly ready to pull the plug. Then the let the whole thing go.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:43 | 3681761 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Ghost written by FrankenDodd.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:45 | 3681766 newdoobie
newdoobie's picture

= Truth

= Fiction

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:45 | 3681767 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

When greed destroys the rule of law and fraud is the status, possession is the law. Get your tribes in order, time to "go to the mattresses", again.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 15:30 | 3681774 BoNeSxxx
BoNeSxxx's picture

I never left the mattress brother but point taken.

Once bitten, twice shy.  If you don't hold it, you don't own it.  And, even if you own it, the government can still tax it off you.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:08 | 3681954 DosZap
DosZap's picture

When greed destroys the rule of law and fraud is the status, possession is the law. Get your tribes in order, time to "go to the mattresses", again.


Greed is just the tool being used as a means to an end,it's now, and before all about power.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:48 | 3681772 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

This time, the Onion only prints the truth.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:53 | 3681777 BlueStreet
BlueStreet's picture

It's fiction that they said it but fact that they think it. 

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:54 | 3681778 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Squids release ink when under pressure. Nw you knw who supplied the ink to the FED to do the printing.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 09:55 | 3681779 Go Tribe
Go Tribe's picture

I only hope Vladimir can drive a stake in their fucking hearts this time around and take away their reserve status. That's the only thing that can stop these vampires.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:27 | 3681824 Terminus C
Terminus C's picture

It truly demonstrates the sad state of affairs we are in when one feels the need to cheer for a KGB thug...

The world is truly a fucked up place.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:05 | 3681793 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

I am not sure they even recognize that there is a public out there.  I think they only focus on profits, company-wide, but more importantly, their own.  Everything that is between them and their profits are viewed as insects to be squashed.


Sociopaths, that are being rewarded for their antisocial behavior

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:13 | 3681803 ISEEIT
ISEEIT's picture

This was just a hold up. Reserves are going to pour into equities next week. Tight money supply was the kindling and Bernanke just provided a spark. The band will march on (just a bit longer..)

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:21 | 3681816 Antifederalist
Antifederalist's picture

Don't be so sure.  You know what they say about unspilling milk.  They kind of have a problem.  In my analysis they let it go down for a while, then announce some save which creates a bounce, but the bounce fails.

IMHO, stick a fork in it.  This 2008, redux.  Record margin leverage, goldilocks, give me a fuckin break.


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:17 | 3681812 Antifederalist
Antifederalist's picture


The Onion is brilliant.   Like their article in 2008,  "Angry Public Demands New Bubble To Destroy Wealth"

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:20 | 3681815 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

truth be told TPTB manufacture these bubbles and bursting of them to reap the wealth from the masses. It happened in the 30's and is happening again today.

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 00:22 | 3683053 not applicable
not applicable's picture

Yeah, it's cyclical and systematic. Each successive boom is--necessarily--followed by a greater bust.

Anyone ever read "Modern Money Mechanics"?

Not a light read, but it's basically a blue print for the monetary "death star"



Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:22 | 3681817 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

Not a single thing needs to be changed to accomplish this; it's what they do everyday already.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:24 | 3681818 Mr. Hudson
Mr. Hudson's picture

: "Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein"

: "Morgan Stanley chairman James P. Gorman

: "Capital One executive vice president Peter Schnall"

: "AIG CEO Robert Benmosche"

These guys have one thing in common; besides being crooks. I wonder if the Onion will be getting a letter from the ADL demanding an apology?

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:38 | 3681828 Terminus C
Terminus C's picture

Yea, and notably missing... J. Dimon.  Oh wait, that doesn't fit your narrative.  Don't get me wrong, I also question the... skewed percentages... but interesting that they don't mention the morgue.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:00 | 3681944 Panafrican Funk...
Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

Dimon married into "the family", his wife is Jewish.  

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:24 | 3681819 Vooter
Vooter's picture

LOL...the Onion rules...and of course, not that far from the truth...

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:25 | 3681820 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Well, let me roll this grenade down the aisle...because everyone seems bored...

"Large areas of Indonesia's rainforests have been converted to oil palm plantations, driven by rising global demand for the cheap vegetable oil popular with food manufacturers and as a renewable fuel (biofuel). Palm oil and palm kernel oil now make up one of the largest shares of global vegetable oil supply, with Indonesia and Malaysia accounting for 83% of global production. The rapid increase in plantation acreage is, however, one of the greatest threats to orangutans and forests on which they depend."

Lets do this for the planet!


"The sodden peat of central Kalimantan acts as a vast organic sponge that stores huge amounts of carbon. But as it dries while being drained for plantation, or by roads being cut through to remove timber, it releases the stored carbon. In Indonesia alone, the peat releases 600m tonnes of carbon a year. Worse, it is often set alight to speed clearing, adding to the CO2 from the huge forest fires that blanket much of south-east Asia in haze. Estimates say Indonesia's fires generate 1,400m tonnes of carbon dioxide each year, pushing it to the world's third-largest producer of CO2 from 26th, if both factors are considered."

Whup!...all systems management to full stop! ;-)

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:32 | 3681833 Terminus C
Terminus C's picture

no no, that is all junk science.  Farming is carbon sequestration because when you grow food it takes carbon out of the system.  That is why farmers around my area get carbon credits... because they do so much for "the environment".  Thus solving the problem of global warming forever.  FOREVER!

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:32 | 3681834 Hulk
Hulk's picture

Damn ! Guess I can stop my "skip every other breath" program...

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:37 | 3681839 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

no matter what you think about industralized agriculture, it was developed for the temperate climes.   applying those techniques to the tropics (10% biomass stored in soil vs. 40% in temperate) leads to exactly what is described above...the fires from Hell.

the proper way to do it is to make mulch pits, not burn scars.   much higher yield for a much lower input cost in the long term, unfortunately it requires an investment/negative return in the short term.

...and therein lies the rub...

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:59 | 3681863 nmewn
nmewn's picture

And the critters don't seem real keen on it either ;-)

I would like to know what degenerate, central planning mind, could even consider this as a sane "best practice"...its right up there with ethanol.

I'm starting to see non-ethanol gas being sold (at ridiculous prices, of course) because of the damage ethanol does to boat engines, lawn mowers etc.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:42 | 3681910 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

Good god, are you becoming an environmentalist? So you finally clued in that Biofuels are not what they are cracked up to be..

What is truly sad is that you ascribe the palm oil plantations to "central planning"... A big part of the problem is that noone properly discounts the FV of what we have now...


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 17:46 | 3682460 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I seemed to have landed a herring of an indeterminate hue.

Most Southerners are "enviromentalists" Flak...just not the condo/apt. dwelling, Birkenstock wearing, regulatory fixated, pave over every square inch so they can get to it in their Prius and then ride their $1,000 bicycle through it without risking a sandspur in the tire...type of enviromentalists. 

We hunt it, fish it, boat it, farm it, ranch it...ya know, are a part of it and can survive in it.

"So you finally clued in that Biofuels are not what they are cracked up to be.."

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about wth this one, another red herring or strawman set alight I suppose.

"What is truly sad is that you ascribe the palm oil plantations to "central planning"... "

Are you saying this is illegal, what is happening in SE Asia? Central planners are very much aware of it and just like cronies the world over, they are all taking their cut and/or kickback.

It doesn't matter if its palm oil, solar panels or windmills, they (and green lobbyists) get their pockets lined FIRST (money or power) while the people (that is to say, the unconnected) always get higher prices and are forced to pick up their one seems to have learned the real lessons from Fisker, Solyndra, A123 and more than I care to recite here.

Profiting off of a manufactured crisis sucking in the gullible as well as the more learned...I haven't quite figured out your angle on this topic yet but I suspect you gather your income more from speaking about energy more than ever doing anything about it.

A central planner yourself perhaps or some green lobbyist shill?...I ain't quite decided...but its something along those lines...this isn't a hobby or point of interest, for you, is it? ;-)

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 00:58 | 3683079 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

Ah do declare, it is fun to watch you squirm and weasel....

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 07:20 | 3683318 nmewn
nmewn's picture opposed to you...the majestic eagle, flopping around on the ground, taken out by a windmill of your own design...oh the irony.

No, just another red herring from Flak ;-)

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:39 | 3681995 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

it's the viscosity, stupid 


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 17:45 | 3682461 nmewn
nmewn's picture


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:30 | 3681892 Rusty Diggins
Rusty Diggins's picture

Was flying over one of those Indonesian islands awhile ago, probably at 20 something thousand feet and was marvelling at the horizon to horizon unbroken jungle.  As I continued to gawp at the spectacle I noticed the jungle had a fractal pattern to it.  Endless palm oil trees for hundreds of miles in every direction.  Totally phucked.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:28 | 3681821 JohnKing
JohnKing's picture

I suppose when the free money offered by the FED dries up they will resort to another transfer of wealth via theft but for now most are probably safe. Not for long though.


Lust is never satisfied, the FED is feeding it for now but the day is approaching when they will once again turn on the people to get their goodies.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:29 | 3681826 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Fiction. You have to put them in prison. And if Holder tries to protect them you have to put Holder into prison.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:29 | 3681829 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

i dont think alot of the  guilty will survive the upcoming collapse with their heads attached to their body.




Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:36 | 3681842 Terminus C
Terminus C's picture

Keep dreaming, they will use the media to turn the masses upon each other.  TPTB learned a valuable lesson from the French Revolution.  Never let the plebs know who is really in charge and always have sacrificial idiots (presidents and prime ministers) available to satiate the plebs anger.  Ask your self, who is in charge here?  No one has the answer, only guesses.  In pre-revolutionary France, the answer was easy.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 22:02 | 3682902 bluskyes
bluskyes's picture

And yet the answer remains the same.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:35 | 3681831 aleph0
aleph0's picture

Tut Tut ... all those German names .. Was that intentional ? I wonder .

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:32 | 3681835 Heroic Couplet
Heroic Couplet's picture

The banks were bailed out in 2008. There is no financial crisis, at least not one that Main Street is going to listen to.

Plant a seed; print money.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:35 | 3681841 Tombstone
Tombstone's picture

The best profits are made when the system blows up.  On the rapid slide down to zero and then on the blast back to the moon after Benny has bailed 'em out.  What are you silly banksters waiting for?  Benny may be gone in 7 months.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 10:41 | 3681845 New American Re...
New American Revolution's picture

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:07 | 3681877 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture



Beginning to see through the fog? Cheaper slave labor will be sought, but what do I know about how globalisation? Hee hee.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:10 | 3681878 CutOut
CutOut's picture


What type of software do you use for your voluminous bot posts ?



Informed ZH readers remain curious as to why HEART repeatedly posts crap such as Boston Marathon bombing fake injuries/fake blood/crisis actors garbage which is 100% DISINFORMATION.

HEART intentionally conflates ridiculous,nonsensical Boston bombing speculation with credible information.
This a well known disinformation tactic designed to contaminate and discredit genuine factual content.
Thus HEART has confirmed he's a disinfo operative.
Boston Marathon bombing disinfo example #3616167

ZH is being targeted by FedGov bots & human operatives saturating the comment sections with garbage and disinformation in addition to down voting certain posters.

They are not harmless trolls, they are professional operatives attempting to undermine and discredit ZH via multi nics & sock puppets.

Attacking this post by constant down voting speaks for itself: the shills exposed themselves.

Case closed.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:46 | 3681913 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

Trust me when I say that the fuckin "conspiracy theory in everything I don't like or understand" whackadoos are the ones discrediting ZH....


HAARP as weather control???

AGW denial??? 

Global Jewish conspiracy???


Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:49 | 3681918 Inthemix96
Inthemix96's picture


Shut the fuck up.  Who fucking cares?  Dont read the fucking posts if you dont like them son.

Have you nothing better to do.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:10 | 3681879 lynnybee
lynnybee's picture

 rotten to the core person (or should i say criminal).

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:16 | 3681884 highwaytoserfdom
highwaytoserfdom's picture

"Trust me"   Fiat F@#k  You....   Liquidation non payment list....What was it that Paulson threatened?  Marshal Law..   Kings rule serfdom is here..  

JP Morgan 70t

Citi 58 T

Bank America 44T

Goldman 42T*   AIG made insurance payments othwise  would be over JPM

"The Rothschilds, and that class of money-lenders of whom they are the representatives and agents -- men who never think of lending a shilling to their next-door neighbors, for purposes of honest industry, unless upon the most ample security, and at the highest rate of interest -- stand ready, at all times, to lend money in unlimited amounts to those robbers and murderers, who call themselves governments, to be expended in shooting down those who do not submit quietly to being robbed and enslaved." by: Lysander Spooner
(1808-1887) Political theorist, activist, abolitionist
Source: "No Treason #6" (1870)
Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:41 | 3682000 joego1
joego1's picture

Yes the Rothchilds, were they not the ones who swindled all of the Brit's out of there war bonds and then proceeded to buy up the entire country with the profits? I'm sure they will have plenty of spare powder to mop up any little shiny tidbits left after the show is over.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 11:30 | 3681891 There ya go again.
There ya go again.'s picture

Reality is a bitch Lloyd , but it beats bullshitting yourself..............

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:42 | 3682001 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Ever notice how much the Goldman Squid resembles the plant Audrey in Little Shop Of Horrors?



Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:43 | 3682005 starman
starman's picture

Frankenben has lost control of he's monsta! Run!

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:10 | 3682047 KickIce
KickIce's picture

WHOSE BRAIN IS THIS?   Abby.   ABBY WHO?  Abby Normal.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 12:50 | 3682016 KickIce
KickIce's picture

This is Nathan Rothschild reincarnated.

Of course they're going to deflate, what better way to buy the world when you're flush with cash?  Nevermind their liabilities, they'll be inconsequential once they own the armies, real estate and the farmland.  You can kiss property ownership good bye if these bastards get their way.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:12 | 3682132 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Property rights?  I can assure you don't have any already.  It's all a fucking illusion.  Try noy paying your property taxes and see what happens.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:16 | 3682053 Heroic Couplet
Heroic Couplet's picture

Lloyd is not curing any disease. He's totally expendable and could be replaced by a couple of people in India and a spreadsheet. There is no financial crisis.

If Wall Street and Lloyd Blankfein don't want regulation, then they take the consequences. If Lloyd Blankfein has money in offshore accounts, he's a zero.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:23 | 3682063 Debt Slave
Debt Slave's picture

In addition to death and taxes there is one more certainty: The survival of the Tribe.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:34 | 3682074 Jake88
Jake88's picture

And the astute viewers of ZH rate this bitter vacuous rant a big five.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:40 | 3682084 Renfield
Renfield's picture

Not all of us.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 15:21 | 3682254 Aurora Ex Machina
Aurora Ex Machina's picture

Someone doesn't get the meaning of "rabid individualists", or "Friday night piss-up".


Oh well.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 13:48 | 3682091 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Did somebody watch one too many episodes of Monty Python last night? Along with whatever gave them a hangover? ;-)

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:03 | 3682121 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Well, I just sheared the fucking rusty bolts off the mower deck spindle that has been giving me trouble.  Where's dochen because I need some bearings?  I have every other bearing on hand EXCEPT the one I need.  Fuck, again.  Ain't that the way it always goes?


So you Tylers liked that Onion link I posted yesterday?  My only question is which one of you wrote it?LOL  Whatever the case may be, I printed out a hard copy and have reread it several times.  It's brilliant writing in it's nuances.  It's neither fact or fiction but rather hyperbole used effectively to demonstrate the truth.  


So to continue with hot tips; go buy the new Goo Goo Dolls album Magnetic.  What a great album!  I know these days everyone buys MP files based on what they hear on the radio but so much lost translation without the supporting songs that you get when you buy a volume.  Any ZHer worth his salt will understand Magnetic right away.

I also purchased Imagine Dragons Night Visions which is also a very good album.  It is not as sublime as the GGD but they are much younger and will grow.  

I rarely comment on music or pop culture but I still notice trends and I have been noticing a trend forming that should not be discounted.  I can't be sure but I believe it to be related to the Ron Paul, Lew Rockwell, ZeroHedge, et al effect or at least a general disgust with the state of affairs these days.  If either case is true, then let's keep going.  I sometimes wonder of late if that is why we are hearing of the NSA and various other .gov apparatchiks of oppression.  The TPTB are playing their last shitty hand in an attempt to intimidate us.  Well, it's not working.

You .gov fucks might be able to delay us but you will never be able to stop us.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 14:51 | 3682192 FreeNewEnergy
FreeNewEnergy's picture

Yep, lots of "anti" bands and songs out there by Generation Y, those under 25 or so. My teenage buddy plays some stuff for me now and then, and usually it's full of f the gov stuff, very 60s-ish in a punk/grunge kind of way. Some of it way over the top.

Will definitely pick up on GGD.

In a similar vein, watched a local town cop pull a u-turn and stop two skate-boarders down the street yesterday. Watched him hassle the young lads - who did nothing wrong except throw him a finger or two - for about 15 minutes before I got bored and went back to tending my garden. Another guy down the street kept an eye out while washing his car in the front driveway.

Think the cop got frustrated by being watched and let the kids off with a "warning" to not disrespect authority, I suppose. History repeats. Same kind of thing used to happen - on the same street, by similar town cops - to me and my buds some 40-50 years ago.

Get ready for some real youth revolt, real soon.

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 17:53 | 3682474 Antifederalist
Antifederalist's picture

Thanks for the new band recos.  American Idiot by Green Day is still THE STANDARD in youth protest albums. 

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 18:52 | 3682615 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

I have listened to the GGD album about ten times now.  I can't seem to shut it off but for I never shut off even when it is in my own best interest to do so.  Giving the Imagine Dragons their third spin now.  Aside from their obvious hits don't miss "My Fault".  They got that one right on target because all of the shit that is now raining down on us is my fault.  Usually is.  I wonder other evil that I committed today that I am not aware of?


Green Day--- sand in the vaseline. :-)

Sat, 06/22/2013 - 21:45 | 3682874 andrewp111
andrewp111's picture

Dimon, Blank Blank, and Benosmooche will crash the system when Obama tells them to, and not before.

Sun, 06/23/2013 - 02:00 | 3683125 luckylongshot
luckylongshot's picture

Milton Friedman blamed a Rothschild led group of bankers for the Weimar Republic hyperinflation that destroyed Germany's economy in the 1930s. In Web of Debt Ellen Brown provides evidence showing a Rothschild led group of bankers caused the American civil war, the rise of Stalin, played a key role in WW2 and are behind the current wars in the middle east. They are certainly disgusting enough specimens of humanity to be planning this. I will go with truth.

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