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Uncle Sam Wants You To Invest In "The Patriot Fund"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Tired of having your easily-earned (thanks to Benny and the Inkjets) wealth effect go straight to fund the pressure cooking terrorist operations of ole' evil Osama (because that's how stock market investing apparently works)? Have no fear: because Uncle Sam wants you to invest in The Patriot Fund. "The Patriot Fund, www.patriotfund.com, was launched to meet the previously unmet need of a terror-free investment option."  So... there is an unmet need of terror-free investing? It appears so. And while Uncle Sam doesn't actually demand you invest your "money on the sidelines" in this latest carnival attraction of the ever more ridiculous US stock market circus, we give it a few months before it becomes a choice: put your money here or get an IRS audit. Because what is more important than "terror-free" investing?...

 

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Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:25 | 3687687 Fleecer
Fleecer's picture

Maybe goes something like this??

1st:  Race to cash.  (equities crash, bond yields rise fast).

2nd:  Yield-chasing race to bonds (causing yields to fall fast).  Like '08, but we're starting much lower this time (10y at 2.5%), so maybe they go negative?  If so...

3rd:  Race to gold for safety (and food, etc).

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:30 | 3687722 Martial
Martial's picture

You know you're about to get fleeced when they put "Patriot" in front of anything...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:40 | 3687773 midtowng
midtowng's picture

Are there really that many suckers out there that jump any time someone says "terror"?

Maybe that's the "unmet" market that they are talking about (i.e. suckers)

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:47 | 3687823 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

What, no adverts with Japanese gils in bathing suits?

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:50 | 3687845 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture

If I short this dog, do I get a free orange jump suit?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:34 | 3688067 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

What's your favorite flavor of Ensure?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:52 | 3688156 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Guess they won't be able to hold their cash in US Treasuries, just sayin.  

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:31 | 3688313 Jaspergers
Jaspergers's picture

to call this gay would be a huge insult to homosexuals and yet that's the only way to describe it.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:53 | 3688405 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

my basket o funz is comprised of TASR, BLK, jPM, HAL, RTN, BAC, NOC, LMT, CG, GAA, and of course FB

because no terroir there

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687827 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

One country's terrorists are another country's freedom fighters.  Unless of course they are from Transylvania, they are all just vampires.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:16 | 3688242 CuttingEdge
CuttingEdge's picture

Didn't know all Goldman Sachs execs were born in Transylvania.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:04 | 3687865 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

There is a mindwashed indoctrinated nonthinking nonquestioning USA USA USA Patriot Pavlov dog conditioned every minute in the public schooling system.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:51 | 3688396 Cleve Meater
Cleve Meater's picture

The "Patriot Fund" is managed by Ascendant Advisors LLC - a group of Texas boys with lots of Goldman and Lehman pedigrees. So I just took a wild flyer of a guess and checked to see if they may be connected to Dubya. Don't have time to really dig, but saw some political contributions. 

But this is worthy of a guffaw: The President of Ascendant is James H. Lee. If it's the same James H. Lee that wrote this humdinger of a poem back in 2004, we are clearly booger deep in the Twilight Zone -- like North Korea, Kim Jong Il deep... God help us all...

From "James H. Lee"

President Bush is a Patriot and 
A hero brave and true,
Who loves this nation very much, 
And our Red, White and Blue,
And loves the Constitution, 
And what it stands for here,
And the Declaration of Independence,
Which to my heart is dear.

He loves the men and women 
Who've fought for and who've died
To keep this nation terror free, 
And sometimes even cried
When things weren't going right here, 
And men were forced to be
Subjected to dictators, 
And wanted to be free.

A God-fearing man is he, 
With Father as his guide,
Who often prays for guidance, 
Which helps him to decide
The things he has to do here 
To protect our nation's cause,
And to uphold our liberty, 
And this great nation's laws.

He is a man of action,
Who knows what we must do
To help protect man's freedom, 
And keep this nation true,
True to what men fought for, 
And died that we might be
Free from kings and rulers, 
And free from tyranny.

God bless this land we live in, 
And bless our leader, too,
And bless the men and women 
Who chose to pursue
The path which safeguards freedom, 
To fight for right and truth,
Who've given their last measure, 
Though old or in their youth,

That you and I might live in peace, 
In a land where freedom rings,
A land where heroes and patriots, 
And even foreigner sings
"God bless America, land that I love,
Stand beside her, and guide her, 
Through the night with the light from above."

Oh may this be our constant prayer, 
And may our leaders be
Inspired as they face each task
To keep our nation free,
Free from men and nations, 
And tyrants, every one,
Who'd rob us of God-given rights, 
And victories we've won.

When I hear our fearless leader 
Defend our nation's cause,
It makes me want to stand and cheer 
For this great nation's laws,
And to salute with honor, 
And pride and dignity,
Our leader, President Bush, 
Who's trying hard to be

A Christian, like our Fathers 
Who were honest, brave and true,
Who wrote the constitution, 
And chose God's will to do,
Declaring independence 
From other nations here,
So you and I might live in peace, 
And not in constant fear.

Yes, God bless America, 
And our Red, White and Blue,
And God bless President Bush, 
Our leader, brave and true,
And God bless every patriot, 
Who loves true liberty,
And those who have defended it, 
And kept our nation free.

By James H. Lee, Jr.
Copyright 2004
Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:41 | 3688573 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

To keep all the information grouped together even though I posted this further down in the comments. For anyone that wants to do some further digging on the characters behind this fund.

http://ascendantadvisors.com/People

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 17:56 | 3688793 xtop23
xtop23's picture

I just upchucked a little bit.

Based on his new librairy you'd have thought he cured cancer, fathered the messiah, and changed Coke into Pepsi.

I remember being relieved that he beat Gore......ugh. God it's hard to look back and see how snowed I was.

Lucky we got 'Bama and he fixed everything........ _)_)//////D~~~~~

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:01 | 3687918 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

its the ones that manage ur money that thinks its a great idea to take my money and "invest".....he gets commish...and i dont even know i bought this loser cause its buried in a mutual fund....so the indivdual doesnt even count....

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:55 | 3687869 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

You know you're about to get fleeced when they put "Patriot" in front of anything...

You know you are likely to get called up, given a gun, transported to a country you never heard of, and then shoot someone that you never had a beef with in the first place. Oh and get shot at by the guy who wants you out of his country....... Sounds all too familiar.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:46 | 3688131 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Or know your kid is about to get called up...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:09 | 3688201 KnightTakesKing
KnightTakesKing's picture

Or just watch this epic rant from Good Will Hunting:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrOZllbNarw

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:58 | 3687891 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

I'm not sure about 'fleeced' but you can be sure you're going to lose some 'rights' and 'freedoms' whenever the word gets used. On that note, maybe they should rename the NSA to the PSA - Patriot Security Agency, or maybe the National Patriot Agency, or National Patriot Security Agency - you know, give that whole 'spying on the population' thing a nice patriotic spin to it.  Then anytime anybody said anything negative about the (formerly named NSA) agency, they'd automatically be acting 'unpatriotic'.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:18 | 3688007 vulcanraven
vulcanraven's picture

+1000

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:40 | 3688101 Saro
Saro's picture

So . . . the largest terrorist organization in the world created a terrorism-free fund?

Truth is stranger than fiction . .

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:01 | 3688433 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

I'm not buying anything if the government is selling it.  Frankly you're a patriot if you don't.  As an American, your allegiance is to your country, not the current government.  Especially if they're lying and oppressing you.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687727 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

"Because what is more important than "terror-free" investing?..."

Maybe some food stores and a water purification system?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:35 | 3687748 Kiss My Iceland...
Kiss My Icelandic Ass's picture

 

 

How about a criminal-free government and banking sector ?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:41 | 3687783 BeepBeepImAJeep
BeepBeepImAJeep's picture

Oxymoron

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687831 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Isn't that Rush's nickname?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:58 | 3687893 pods
pods's picture

Nice. +1

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:12 | 3687975 prains
prains's picture

(B)oxymoron

 

matching height and width

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:50 | 3687841 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Nick Barisheff says it was Marc Faber who coined the words that investors can be "their own central bank" by owning physical gold in their own possession.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:51 | 3687851 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

I think I would put toilet paper higher on the list but that is just me.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:37 | 3687736 TLT
TLT's picture

I believe we may see a little deflation in financial assets for some time.

Then there will be more QE, Abenomics and so on... when confidence in the currency fails, inflation will start rising. Then #3 may happen.

If investors believed in bonds, they wouldn't be falling today. It is a failed market. Correlation is lost. So I don't believe in #2 happening just before #3.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:38 | 3687763 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

I have no fear of terrorists. I only fear our government

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687826 Fox-Scully
Fox-Scully's picture

Aren't they the same?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:09 | 3687958 toxic8
toxic8's picture

Good Ol' Uncle Sam ... always knew he looked eerily familiar!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:25 | 3688288 Renfield
Renfield's picture

Awesome! Paging Billy Banzai.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:36 | 3688334 kill switch
kill switch's picture

Getting killed by a terrorist has the same odds as being hit on the head with a falling coconut on a side street in Vermont.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:00 | 3687897 Midasking
Midasking's picture

Could be a sign of a top in terrorism? http://tinyurl.com/mem7o7x

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:27 | 3688290 Renfield
Renfield's picture

Which article are you referring to? This links only to the front page.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:09 | 3687956 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

Bernanke has been terrorizing us for years. Fuck You Bernanke

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:27 | 3687695 radfish
radfish's picture

Dafuq? How can I have a terrorist free fund in a currency managed by a central bankster? Oxymoron, no?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:27 | 3687696 astoriajoe
astoriajoe's picture

I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687725 CPL
CPL's picture

Just let it go...there's more coming.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:37 | 3687760 crazyjsmith
crazyjsmith's picture

Been saying for a couple of years that a "Patriot Tax" is surely coming.
Maybe a "Patriot 401k"

If you don't pay, well you are a terrorist then.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:57 | 3687885 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Liberty bonds........that has a ring to it.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:18 | 3688012 CPL
CPL's picture

"Buy Liberty Bonds or go to Jail"

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 18:46 | 3688954 Esso
Esso's picture

Jail = Freedom & Liberty Patriot Camp

NewNormalSpeak

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:28 | 3687697 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

My Wells Fargo biz rep is going to shit her pants when i deliver some bad news Friday.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:39 | 3687772 General Decline
General Decline's picture

I think it would be more of a statement if you shit her pants this Friday.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:30 | 3687698 The Thunder Child
The Thunder Child's picture

'Terror Free' mutual funds recommended by the most dangerous terrorist organization on the planet......BWHAHAHAHA

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:32 | 3687732 pods
pods's picture

You really cannot make this shit up anymore.  Now what if the US starts arming the Syrian rebels, which HAVE used Sarin according to many in the international community.

Would the fund be banned from investing in anything Amrrrikan?

pods

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:52 | 3687853 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

what if the US starts arming the Syrian rebels

I am pretty certain it has already happened.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:57 | 3687872 The Thunder Child
The Thunder Child's picture

Yes since 2011.

Benghazi wasn't an embassy it was the CIA operations center for the arms smuggling to Libya and Syria. That is why the admininstration are so keen on getting away from that scandal and having the people involved dead. Lebanon caught and siezed a fully loaded ship of arms heading to the Syrian rebels from Libya some time ago and the story was buried...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:28 | 3687705 yogibear
yogibear's picture

Yeah, listen to Uncle Scam.

 How's that endless QE and spending working out?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:29 | 3687706 Fiat Burner
Fiat Burner's picture

Terror-free investing huh? That fund better not hold any US Treasuries then.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:28 | 3687707 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

Hide your wallets.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:29 | 3687708 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

It's a "choice" now.

It won't be in six months.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:29 | 3687711 F. Bastiat
F. Bastiat's picture

There is no such thing as a (winnable) war against a tactic.

Wars are fought between organized groups of hominids.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:52 | 3687856 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

And thats why we win the Information War.

They try to overload us with information, distract us, lie to us, feed us disinformation when we come close to the truth...  Even still (some) people see through it.

The key is to not let them absolve themselves of blame (which they will), when this all goes to shit (which it will).

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:29 | 3688053 F. Bastiat
F. Bastiat's picture

Certainly, there are a large number of hominids in the states united that are not only detached from reality, they are activey waging war against it.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:29 | 3687715 Tinky
Tinky's picture

The only investment that I'm not terrified of is gold. Is that what they mean by "terror-free"?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:29 | 3687717 pods
pods's picture

Well now we at least know that "terrrrizm" has jumped the shark.

pods

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:30 | 3687719 Sleepless Knight
Sleepless Knight's picture

Unreal. I didnt think anything else would surprise me, but I was wrong (again).

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687726 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

This is a joke, right?  Or have things really degenerated this far?  When do the rallies in the mall start?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:57 | 3687881 rum_runner
rum_runner's picture

I thought so too... but seems real.  Oh well, I am not reaaly surprised by anything any more.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687728 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

It's denominated in Cheesepopebucks, it can't be "terror-free". Biggest terrorists on Earth are the ones who run the dollar system.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687729 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Someone needs to create an inverse fund only investing in companies specifically screened out of the Patriot Fund. That should make for an interesting barometer of investor sentiment in the US in general along with visits from your friendly local IRS and DHS agents.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:34 | 3687746 Aknownymouse
Aknownymouse's picture

We need a 'feral hogs' fund

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:37 | 3687740 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Millions of flag waving retards are anxiously awaiting to dump their Bernanke bucks into the largest terrorist supporting fund in the world....Oh they are already doing that when buying treasuries.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:33 | 3687742 thunderchief
thunderchief's picture

Holyshit, I didn't think it had gotten that bad there yet.

Shocking!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:34 | 3687745 Inthemix96
Inthemix96's picture

Uncle Fucking Sam can fuck right off in my very esteemed opinion.

And the horse the fucker rode in on.

Fucking nefarious nation wrecking, drone using, covertely spying, un-constitutionally degrading cunts.

And revoke that cunts 'Peace Prize', for blowing up innocents the world over you disgracefull two faced bastards what you are.

Who the fuck you lot trying to kid now then?  It dont work NSA, we are on to you.

Fucking disgracefull, thats all you lot are working for the machine that will turn on you all in short order, you need a fucking moral compass you pricks, and working for the fuckers who are destroying mankind is showing you up for the fucking degenerates you are.  Go and get a real productive job you fucking whores for coin.  You have been found out.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:38 | 3687768 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

Do not make the mistake of getting into a 'swearing contest' with this man.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:42 | 3687790 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Nobody can string swear words together like Inthemix96

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:46 | 3687816 WTFx10
WTFx10's picture

I love it. Its fuckin poetry to my ears.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:56 | 3687878 Inthemix96
Inthemix96's picture

The Doc and WTFx,

Its called fucking indignation, and since I cannot spell righteous, I'm as mad as fucking hell.  And heres another thing, believe it or not I am not a maniac, I clean fucking windows for a living, how can I be a fucking maniac?  One bloke a while ago on here even called me a maniac, and even said I was foul mouthed?  How can I be foul mouthed when I'm typing???

I hate been treated like I'm a fucking idiot when its clear the fuckers in charge are idiots.

I swear to God though, I aint no stark raving fucking maniac swearing idiot on prozac mind.

If you know what I mean boys.

:-)

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:00 | 3687902 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

You know I'm smiling in agreement.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:08 | 3687948 Inthemix96
Inthemix96's picture

I am pissing myself laughing here Ignatius.

Knock all they want, I'm not in mate.

And anyhow, who gives a fuck?  These fuckers should stand up and be counted, aint these buggers got families??

Take care friends.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:02 | 3687920 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Watchout 96 the NSA will blue screen your computer.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:13 | 3687952 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Hey I don't think you're a raving lunatic fucking idiot. Like I said in the past..I'd love to drink a beer with you, I just hope you don't get us into trouble ;-> 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:17 | 3688001 Inthemix96
Inthemix96's picture

That post I wrote there Doc was a piss take, and one day you and I may just sit down for a cold one.

And fuck trouble, these fuckers started it, they really should know better mate.

Best to you and yours Doc.

96.

If you're ever in England, give me a bell, a pint would be top of my list Doc.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:58 | 3688178 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

Walt Whitman, Robert Frost, and Inthemix96.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687829 Fiat Burner
Fiat Burner's picture

LongSoupLine would beg to differ.  Haven't seen him in a long time. I always used to get a good laugh out of his posts.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:58 | 3687892 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I hope he is not on a soup line, that irony might send him over the top.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:43 | 3687797 General Decline
General Decline's picture

Show me, on this anatomically correct doll, where Uncle Sam touched you.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:00 | 3688185 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

I'll try my best, but shoving my fist up my ass may take a bit.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:38 | 3687765 Sofa King
Sofa King's picture

...is that like the Human Fund.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:18 | 3688011 Tsunami Wave
Tsunami Wave's picture

The Human Fund.... Money..for people.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:38 | 3687767 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

no thanks, I have allergic reactions to anything run by the government! besides, math seems to be a major problem for them.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:45 | 3687814 el Gallinazo
el Gallinazo's picture

I see no indication that this fund is connected to the USSA.  Notice the .com (as opposed to a .gov) address.  Just another emotional scam by my fellow buzzards to fleece the sheeple.  I imagine if I were to go terra free, I would have to dump all my T-Bills.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:00 | 3687899 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

With all of those unemployed 2 and 20 hedge fund managers out there, I'm surprised it's taken this long.

I'm going to assume its just another NSA scam to fund another data center.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:01 | 3687910 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Public/private partnership like this.

http://www.thebrandusa.com/

They work on behalf of the US government and in turn receive pork money from the Congress just like the above company slipped in under Immigration reform for law enforcement as an example

Just like the above company here.

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2013/06/22/Harry-Reid-Dean-Helle...

 

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:39 | 3687778 yogibear
yogibear's picture

Uncle Scam wants your money. Soon they will just take it. Gotta have more food stamps, cell phones, section 8's for all those new illegals turned legal and voting for those supporting more re-distribution of wealth.

Then there are the defense contractors. Uncle Sam has turned into Uncle scam, a real mooch with his Obama phone, drinking and partying off those still working.

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:40 | 3687779 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

I'd much rather invest in Kyle Bass' Hayman Capital hedge fund, but the minimum investment is $5 million.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:33 | 3688066 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I originally read that as Hymen Capital, and thought to myself, well now, there's some entrepreneurial spirit!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:01 | 3688435 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Ha!  An increasingly rare commodity.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:42 | 3687784 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Can I make my check straight out to the NSA? Actually, they can prolly just access it from my account directly. No need for me, the middle man, in what should be a quick transaction. 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:42 | 3687786 A. Magnus
A. Magnus's picture

This is a fund for ignorant fucking cunts; ANY fund that has ANY government investments in it is supporting terrorism, as states are the biggest promoters of terrorists around the world. Ditto for ANY corporation that has a government contract.

Since ALL of the investments in this 'terror-free' fund deal with corporations that do government business in some way, shape or form, then according to truth-in-advertising laws the fund either needs to change its name or crack open a fucking dictionary and read the definition of terrorism again if it wants to stay in business...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 22:26 | 3689638 Non Passaran
Non Passaran's picture

Unfrikinbelievable.
Terror-free fund "Benedict (Arnold) is The Fellow, Dude!" aka BTFD invests exclusively in UST's and various fascist enterprises located exclusively in the US who derive at least 50% of their income from the US taxpayer.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:43 | 3687800 Sleepless Knight
Sleepless Knight's picture

Isnt the real anti-terrorist fund gold and silver?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:43 | 3687801 BGO
BGO's picture

Someone needs to post the webinar's gotomeeting address so it's possible to sign up and see who at Ascendent Advisors is pimping the Terror Free Mutual Fund. $100 says it's a recent (female) college graduate reading from a PPT presentation.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:45 | 3687805 TroyPDX
TroyPDX's picture

Do it for the children!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:44 | 3687807 Shevva
Shevva's picture

Why do these financial experts and their products look more like Dr Evil every day.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:45 | 3687809 beekeeper
beekeeper's picture

I thought this was something from The Onion until I clicked on the link and checked out their website. The term "patriot" sure has been twisted beyond recognition.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:45 | 3687818 UGrev
UGrev's picture

Go fuck your patriot fund in the ass. 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:46 | 3687819 slightlyskeptical
slightlyskeptical's picture

Ten Largest Stocks (%)1
Phillips 66
3.77
Eli Lilly & Company
3.66
Conagra Foods, Inc.
3.33
CVS Corporation
3.17
Ace Limited - ORD
3.07
American Express Company
3.06
Philip Morris International
3.05
Deere & Company
2.99
Fiserv Incorporated
2.84
General Electric Company
2.81

A little research shows that the majority of these companies actually do business in Iran. Some have US permission to skirt sanctions, others just use a intermediary company, to make the final transaction. That said, it is not a terrible group of companies, but the whole premise is just a fabrication.

Sex Sells

 

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:47 | 3687822 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

The next thing you knw you'll be asked to invest in missile defence systems which will carry a "guaranteed rate of return" slightly above that offered by Bernanke.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:51 | 3687850 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

     Patriot Fund = template for confiscation.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:52 | 3687857 1000 splendid suns
1000 splendid suns's picture

Starts out as an option, next it will be a required 1% contribution 'for freedom', then you get hounded by the stasi IRS if you fail to tithe your 10%.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:09 | 3687960 beekeeper
beekeeper's picture

Brilliant. A freedom tax. Who could possibly be against it? If you are, then you must be a terrorist and should have all your wealth confiscated.

Now come on - admit it. Wouldn't you feel all patriotic seeing how much you've contributed to freedom on your W-2?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:53 | 3687858 mfavorit
mfavorit's picture

"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel" - Samuel Johnson April, 7, 1775

Do youm think that will be on the "fact sheet"?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:54 | 3687863 F. Bastiat
F. Bastiat's picture

The bigger problem is that Hussien Obama and Eric Holder, in particular, have zero credibility.

The Russians and Chi-coms, in particular, recognize the current regime as delusional.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:54 | 3687864 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

Mozillo is the CEO and Corzine is his right hand man, the CFO.

 

I feel more comfortable about it now.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:54 | 3687866 yogibear
yogibear's picture

Uncle Scam will ask nicely now and just take later.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:56 | 3687880 Satan
Satan's picture

Maybe it's because English is my third language...but surely this is a joke?

All that's missing is Captain America doing the infomercials.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:09 | 3687947 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

No, it's just stupid squared. Anytime I see the line "Please consider the environment before printing this email." I know I'm in the presence of greatness (in the form of suspension of disbelief).

It's as if we can all save the world merely by believing in the purity of our desire when considering actions.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:58 | 3687890 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Terror free means no mic, no treasurys, and no bank stocks?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:00 | 3687900 Blano
Blano's picture

Please tell me this is being offered by the Onion.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:01 | 3687903 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

Will shorting the fund be prohibited??

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:30 | 3687907 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

I like the TFI (terror-free investing) of T Bills, cash, PM, real (primary) assets, home security and preparedness assets.

And a Plan B (foreign residency/passport) for when the fascists decide to restrict my capital and foreign travel options - which are always one Exec Order or one capricious warrant away.

Unlike my dear friend Francis and a few other Hopium infused souls, there will be no Club Fed vacation at camp FEMA for me. ;-)

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:06 | 3687938 BadDog
BadDog's picture

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:05 | 3687940 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

So this new Fund, does it invest in US airline put options?    or was that Buzzy Alex Brown Terrorist Fund in 2001, or was that terror free?     ..sure was risk free...

 

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:07 | 3687944 glenlloyd
glenlloyd's picture

When hell freezes over...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:12 | 3687971 Nue
Nue's picture

How about Patriot Banking. A joint venture of Goldman Sach's, JP Morgan and Bank of America. Because one mans terrorist is another mans patriot.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:22 | 3687990 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

Patriot Act. Patriot Fund. I think I'll start making Patriot TP - the face of a terrorist on every sheet. Start with Dick Cheney. Make it extra flimsy so that your finger pokes through every time - those damned terrorists.

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:26 | 3688046 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

The real Patriots of 1776. Are spinning in their graves !!!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:28 | 3688051 Toolshed
Toolshed's picture

If you have been paying attention, you knew this was coming. The creation of this fund is only the first step. The next step is when, for the "safety" and "protection" of retirees everywhere in this (formerly) land of the free, your 401k funds will be transferred to this totally "safe" fund which is controlled and back stopped by your favorite Uncle Sam. Hurrah!!! All our worries about retirement are over! I can hardly wait.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:29 | 3688055 yogibear
yogibear's picture

Wall Street was telling everyone to buy and be patriotic after 9/11 while the big boys (JPM, Goldman, MS, etc) were selling.  my,my, how patriotic was that? The  patriot is a code word for suckers for the boys.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:38 | 3688086 mercenaryomics
mercenaryomics's picture

Watch the video on their front page! I don't think I've ever laughed so hard, it's like The Onion made this. 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:18 | 3688254 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

I honestly thought this whole thread was an Onion spoof!

Oh Boy...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:38 | 3688089 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture

Patriot fund that makes money? 

 

I guess this will be the first Patriot short fund.

 

short those stocks - ew-ah.  short those stock - ew-ah.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:46 | 3688102 Miles Kendig
Miles Kendig's picture

The financials, transports, healthcare/pharma, utilities, manufacturers, tech/telecoms, defense/aerospace, energy, commodities, currencies and more have special exemptions.  Please do not see your local FED/NSA/DNI/DOJ/DHS/SEC/CFTC/OCC/FDIC or OSHA (load limits are out) representatives for details or you will get blacklisted and rehypo'ed in an endless loop by the Second Milers

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:41 | 3688107 Money 4 Nothing
Money 4 Nothing's picture

I would rather invest in a terror fund than a Patriot fund, you saw how the Patriot Act worked out? Not so much.. It ended up being against Patriots.

 

Look, the Govt. Already declared war against the Patriotic citizens of the USA via MIAC Report of 2009.


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:46 | 3688133 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Brought to you by the same 'terror-free' government that dumped 17 million gallons of some of the most indiscriminate, highly-toxic poison ever produced on millions of non-combatants.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:04 | 3688195 CuttingEdge
CuttingEdge's picture

Not to mention delivering of thousands of indiscriminate deaths via remote control...

http://drones.pitchinteractive.com/

I was tempted to hit the contact button and ask if they could set up a "True Patriot Fund" for the likes of Ed Snowden.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:54 | 3688166 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Mark my words: This is the funniest thing that I will read all week. Unless Pelosi makes another statement on Snowden.

"...unmet need of a terror-free investment option." LOL

And further mark my words: 401k's, etc. WILL soon be required to hold a share of this shit.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:56 | 3688177 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

For anyone who would like to know who the snake oil peddling salesmen are behind this.

http://ascendantadvisors.com/People

 

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:38 | 3688566 Blano
Blano's picture

Kathy looks like she was once Karl.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 18:40 | 3688888 Aurora Ex Machina
Aurora Ex Machina's picture

The whole page dripped with something, and it wasn't sharp teeth, it was the stink of carrion eaters.

 

Degrees all from Christian Diploma mills - check.

All Caucasian - check.

No real financial expertise - check.

Gross appeal to Nationalism and Religion - check.

Esoteric black Pyramid web logo (look at your browser tabs) attempt to reference that old chestnut - check.

Radical fingers in local political pies - check.

 

I could go on, but I don't want to poke them too hard. I wish them all the best in their endeavors, although I shall decline to partake in their meal.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:07 | 3688205 Gordon_Gekko
Gordon_Gekko's picture

"State sponsors of terror"...I guess that would include the US Government, after all it is the biggest sponsor of terrorism in the world.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:12 | 3688223 Frastric
Frastric's picture

The algos feel patriotic today, they've lifted the DOW up 200 points from its lows...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:43 | 3688357 MFLTucson
MFLTucson's picture

I wouldnt put 5 cents in any fund to further this fucking madness and war mongering.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:52 | 3688394 thunderchief
thunderchief's picture

You gotta love those freedom fighting public executions in Syria. I really enjoyed the last one I saw of a guy getting his head sawed off, and then they shot two ladies! One guy was even bond haired. Freedom Fighters. Patriots.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:16 | 3688494 mattgallis
mattgallis's picture

What the fuck will they think of next!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 20:55 | 3689345 esum
esum's picture

I want Tiffanie Diep of Ascendant Advisors to sit on my lap and explain the fund in detail...

 What does Diep mean in vietnamese?

  • Vietnam
    "not available"
  • Tue, 06/25/2013 - 17:00 | 3692376 steelrules
    steelrules's picture

    Put money into the worlds biggest murdering criminal enterprise, one that anyone can see is bankrupt, not just financially but morally.

    Only if the people remove every vestige of the criminals that are in power now then I would gladly buy any debt issued to help rebuild the Nation to what the founders designed. 

    Till then not in this lifetime or the next.

    Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!