Uncle Sam Wants You To Invest In "The Patriot Fund"

Tyler Durden's picture


Tired of having your easily-earned (thanks to Benny and the Inkjets) wealth effect go straight to fund the pressure cooking terrorist operations of ole' evil Osama (because that's how stock market investing apparently works)? Have no fear: because Uncle Sam wants you to invest in The Patriot Fund. "The Patriot Fund, www.patriotfund.com, was launched to meet the previously unmet need of a terror-free investment option."  So... there is an unmet need of terror-free investing? It appears so. And while Uncle Sam doesn't actually demand you invest your "money on the sidelines" in this latest carnival attraction of the ever more ridiculous US stock market circus, we give it a few months before it becomes a choice: put your money here or get an IRS audit. Because what is more important than "terror-free" investing?...

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Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:25 | 3687687 Fleecer
Fleecer's picture

Maybe goes something like this??

1st:  Race to cash.  (equities crash, bond yields rise fast).

2nd:  Yield-chasing race to bonds (causing yields to fall fast).  Like '08, but we're starting much lower this time (10y at 2.5%), so maybe they go negative?  If so...

3rd:  Race to gold for safety (and food, etc).

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:30 | 3687722 Martial
Martial's picture

You know you're about to get fleeced when they put "Patriot" in front of anything...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:40 | 3687773 midtowng
midtowng's picture

Are there really that many suckers out there that jump any time someone says "terror"?

Maybe that's the "unmet" market that they are talking about (i.e. suckers)

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:47 | 3687823 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

What, no adverts with Japanese gils in bathing suits?


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:50 | 3687845 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture

If I short this dog, do I get a free orange jump suit?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:34 | 3688067 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

What's your favorite flavor of Ensure?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:52 | 3688156 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Guess they won't be able to hold their cash in US Treasuries, just sayin.  

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:31 | 3688313 Jaspergers
Jaspergers's picture

to call this gay would be a huge insult to homosexuals and yet that's the only way to describe it.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:53 | 3688405 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

my basket o funz is comprised of TASR, BLK, jPM, HAL, RTN, BAC, NOC, LMT, CG, GAA, and of course FB

because no terroir there

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687827 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

One country's terrorists are another country's freedom fighters.  Unless of course they are from Transylvania, they are all just vampires.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:16 | 3688242 CuttingEdge
CuttingEdge's picture

Didn't know all Goldman Sachs execs were born in Transylvania.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:04 | 3687865 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

There is a mindwashed indoctrinated nonthinking nonquestioning USA USA USA Patriot Pavlov dog conditioned every minute in the public schooling system.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:51 | 3688396 Cleve Meater
Cleve Meater's picture

The "Patriot Fund" is managed by Ascendant Advisors LLC - a group of Texas boys with lots of Goldman and Lehman pedigrees. So I just took a wild flyer of a guess and checked to see if they may be connected to Dubya. Don't have time to really dig, but saw some political contributions. 

But this is worthy of a guffaw: The President of Ascendant is James H. Lee. If it's the same James H. Lee that wrote this humdinger of a poem back in 2004, we are clearly booger deep in the Twilight Zone -- like North Korea, Kim Jong Il deep... God help us all...

From "James H. Lee"

President Bush is a Patriot and 
A hero brave and true,
Who loves this nation very much, 
And our Red, White and Blue,
And loves the Constitution, 
And what it stands for here,
And the Declaration of Independence,
Which to my heart is dear.

He loves the men and women 
Who've fought for and who've died
To keep this nation terror free, 
And sometimes even cried
When things weren't going right here, 
And men were forced to be
Subjected to dictators, 
And wanted to be free.

A God-fearing man is he, 
With Father as his guide,
Who often prays for guidance, 
Which helps him to decide
The things he has to do here 
To protect our nation's cause,
And to uphold our liberty, 
And this great nation's laws.

He is a man of action,
Who knows what we must do
To help protect man's freedom, 
And keep this nation true,
True to what men fought for, 
And died that we might be
Free from kings and rulers, 
And free from tyranny.

God bless this land we live in, 
And bless our leader, too,
And bless the men and women 
Who chose to pursue
The path which safeguards freedom, 
To fight for right and truth,
Who've given their last measure, 
Though old or in their youth,

That you and I might live in peace, 
In a land where freedom rings,
A land where heroes and patriots, 
And even foreigner sings
"God bless America, land that I love,
Stand beside her, and guide her, 
Through the night with the light from above."

Oh may this be our constant prayer, 
And may our leaders be
Inspired as they face each task
To keep our nation free,
Free from men and nations, 
And tyrants, every one,
Who'd rob us of God-given rights, 
And victories we've won.

When I hear our fearless leader 
Defend our nation's cause,
It makes me want to stand and cheer 
For this great nation's laws,
And to salute with honor, 
And pride and dignity,
Our leader, President Bush, 
Who's trying hard to be

A Christian, like our Fathers 
Who were honest, brave and true,
Who wrote the constitution, 
And chose God's will to do,
Declaring independence 
From other nations here,
So you and I might live in peace, 
And not in constant fear.

Yes, God bless America, 
And our Red, White and Blue,
And God bless President Bush, 
Our leader, brave and true,
And God bless every patriot, 
Who loves true liberty,
And those who have defended it, 
And kept our nation free.

By James H. Lee, Jr.
Copyright 2004
Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:41 | 3688573 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

To keep all the information grouped together even though I posted this further down in the comments. For anyone that wants to do some further digging on the characters behind this fund.


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 17:56 | 3688793 xtop23
xtop23's picture

I just upchucked a little bit.

Based on his new librairy you'd have thought he cured cancer, fathered the messiah, and changed Coke into Pepsi.

I remember being relieved that he beat Gore......ugh. God it's hard to look back and see how snowed I was.

Lucky we got 'Bama and he fixed everything........ _)_)//////D~~~~~

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:01 | 3687918 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

its the ones that manage ur money that thinks its a great idea to take my money and "invest".....he gets commish...and i dont even know i bought this loser cause its buried in a mutual fund....so the indivdual doesnt even count....

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:55 | 3687869 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

You know you're about to get fleeced when they put "Patriot" in front of anything...

You know you are likely to get called up, given a gun, transported to a country you never heard of, and then shoot someone that you never had a beef with in the first place. Oh and get shot at by the guy who wants you out of his country....... Sounds all too familiar.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:46 | 3688131 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Or know your kid is about to get called up...

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:09 | 3688201 KnightTakesKing
KnightTakesKing's picture

Or just watch this epic rant from Good Will Hunting:


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:58 | 3687891 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

I'm not sure about 'fleeced' but you can be sure you're going to lose some 'rights' and 'freedoms' whenever the word gets used. On that note, maybe they should rename the NSA to the PSA - Patriot Security Agency, or maybe the National Patriot Agency, or National Patriot Security Agency - you know, give that whole 'spying on the population' thing a nice patriotic spin to it.  Then anytime anybody said anything negative about the (formerly named NSA) agency, they'd automatically be acting 'unpatriotic'.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:18 | 3688007 vulcanraven
vulcanraven's picture


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:40 | 3688101 Saro
Saro's picture

So . . . the largest terrorist organization in the world created a terrorism-free fund?

Truth is stranger than fiction . .

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 16:01 | 3688433 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

I'm not buying anything if the government is selling it.  Frankly you're a patriot if you don't.  As an American, your allegiance is to your country, not the current government.  Especially if they're lying and oppressing you.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687727 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

"Because what is more important than "terror-free" investing?..."

Maybe some food stores and a water purification system?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:35 | 3687748 Kiss My Iceland...
Kiss My Icelandic Ass's picture



How about a criminal-free government and banking sector ?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:41 | 3687783 BeepBeepImAJeep
BeepBeepImAJeep's picture


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687831 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Isn't that Rush's nickname?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:58 | 3687893 pods
pods's picture

Nice. +1

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:12 | 3687975 prains
prains's picture



matching height and width

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:50 | 3687841 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Nick Barisheff says it was Marc Faber who coined the words that investors can be "their own central bank" by owning physical gold in their own possession.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:51 | 3687851 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

I think I would put toilet paper higher on the list but that is just me.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:37 | 3687736 TLT
TLT's picture

I believe we may see a little deflation in financial assets for some time.

Then there will be more QE, Abenomics and so on... when confidence in the currency fails, inflation will start rising. Then #3 may happen.

If investors believed in bonds, they wouldn't be falling today. It is a failed market. Correlation is lost. So I don't believe in #2 happening just before #3.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:38 | 3687763 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

I have no fear of terrorists. I only fear our government

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:48 | 3687826 Fox-Scully
Fox-Scully's picture

Aren't they the same?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:09 | 3687958 toxic8
toxic8's picture

Good Ol' Uncle Sam ... always knew he looked eerily familiar!

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:25 | 3688288 Renfield
Renfield's picture

Awesome! Paging Billy Banzai.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:36 | 3688334 kill switch
kill switch's picture

Getting killed by a terrorist has the same odds as being hit on the head with a falling coconut on a side street in Vermont.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:00 | 3687897 Midasking
Midasking's picture

Could be a sign of a top in terrorism? http://tinyurl.com/mem7o7x

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 15:27 | 3688290 Renfield
Renfield's picture

Which article are you referring to? This links only to the front page.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:09 | 3687956 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

Bernanke has been terrorizing us for years. Fuck You Bernanke

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:27 | 3687695 radfish
radfish's picture

Dafuq? How can I have a terrorist free fund in a currency managed by a central bankster? Oxymoron, no?

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:27 | 3687696 astoriajoe
astoriajoe's picture

I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:31 | 3687725 CPL
CPL's picture

Just let it go...there's more coming.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:37 | 3687760 crazyjsmith
crazyjsmith's picture

Been saying for a couple of years that a "Patriot Tax" is surely coming.
Maybe a "Patriot 401k"

If you don't pay, well you are a terrorist then.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:57 | 3687885 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Liberty bonds........that has a ring to it.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 14:18 | 3688012 CPL
CPL's picture

"Buy Liberty Bonds or go to Jail"

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 18:46 | 3688954 Esso
Esso's picture

Jail = Freedom & Liberty Patriot Camp


Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:28 | 3687697 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

My Wells Fargo biz rep is going to shit her pants when i deliver some bad news Friday.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:39 | 3687772 General Decline
General Decline's picture

I think it would be more of a statement if you shit her pants this Friday.

Mon, 06/24/2013 - 13:30 | 3687698 The Thunder Child
The Thunder Child's picture

'Terror Free' mutual funds recommended by the most dangerous terrorist organization on the planet......BWHAHAHAHA

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!