Wednesday Humor: The Next Paradigm In Wearable Computers

Tyler Durden's picture

The iWatch; Google Glass; the convergence between body and computer continues at a torrid pace, yet nobody knows just what the winning formula will be to make lazy, internet addicted consumers even lazier if more connected to the binary void.

One proposal for what will certainly be an "out of the box" (or "in the box" as the case may be) next generation product, and one which may appear avant garde, controversial and even shocking, comes from the Onion which as usual is years ahead of its time in a world which is now straight from, well, the Onion, which represents "a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time." In short (to pardon the pun), a profit gold mine.

Source: The Onion, obviously

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
RacerX's picture

omg.. Lol.. SAMSUNG > *

RacerX's picture

just imagine how many specialized add-on apps they could sell for it.'s picture

"I like my species the way it is."  -- Lt. Worf

ZerOhead's picture

Now just combine it will the beer hat and I think you have a winner..

Pladizow's picture

Reminds me of an old joke:

What's that useless piece of skin around a vagina? - A Woman!

Does it come in white, the black one may stop working?

knukles's picture

Hah ha ha ha ha ah  
Oh my...

francis_sawyer's picture

fonestar... Here is your nirvana!... [or are you gonna wait for the 'Signature Satoshi Eddie Bauer Nakamoto' model to hit the shelves?...

espirit's picture

Meh, still waiting on the lifesize hologram porn vids.

Ignatius's picture

The Jessica Alba Robot Fuck Doll.

The question is "When will I ever be able to suffer the embarrassment and take it to dinner?"




When there are three or four couples already there.

francis_sawyer's picture

As soon as the NSA sponsored 'beta ~ LADYBOY' models are perfected... The 'hetero~STREET MODELS will hit the shelves'...

Flakmeister... Howz that trial coming along?... Where we at?...

Spigot's picture

At $1000 for the unit they are at break even. Its the sale of expendable cum collection bags and customization accessories where the money will be made.

Uncle Remus's picture

I'm not sure "consumables" is apropos here...

Drunken Monkey's picture

You're missing the point. You never have to take it to dinner.

Bring the Gold's picture

ZH community summed up in one racist sexist joke.


prains's picture


you may have missed the memo; this is fight club


not almond milk and tofu club, i think cnn has a link to their website


edit: just so you know my wife isn't white and still laughed, ease up on the choke up bit, you'll find life runs smoother, less fumes

TwoShortPlanks's picture

Prains, you missed the addendum, this isn't Fight Club anymore at all, it's a forum on the Swiss Law Institute.

You can’t say what you like anymore.

jeff montanye's picture

there is a lot to what you say. skin around a vagina indeed.  too many women said "ah, no dice", is my guess.

but then there is this guy (and, later, his wife, as i understand it):


Mr. Mandelbrot's picture

"Behind every great man is a greater woman"

The kind of perverted sentiment you just expressed is exactly the kind of thing I'm on zerohedge railing against.  I have a daughter that is about to be born, so fuck you for denigrating women.  Your stock just dropped (and the tittie avatar ain't gonna bring it back) . . .

TwoShortPlanks's picture

You'll need to breathe through those contractions.

SilverRhino's picture

Get it in yellow.  Then it never quits, does a better job and any error messages are incomprehensible. 

HOWEVER it does take over your bank acount quite readily. 

Spastica Rex's picture

Best quote all day.

Fuck robots.

But yeah - the Onion video was a riot.

max2205's picture

If it can make a good trade...I want it

MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

I was a beta-tester <sheepish grin>

McMolotov's picture

"It's Mega-Maid, sir. She's gone from suck to blow!" —Colonel Sandurz

jimmytorpedo's picture

Does that mean we all get to blow a load in the NSA's face?

Tarheel's picture

perfect response, i laughed so hard at that

Cursive's picture


Don't you get the feeling that this has been discussed in boardrooms?  Maybe just short of having a prototype built?

cougar_w's picture

There is a thing called a "fleshlight" that is waaaay beyond the boardroom already.

EDIT: google that at your own risk, NSFW on any continent.

knukles's picture






And watches Deepthroat for the dailogue, I presume....

Not Too Important's picture

Oh, come on, Knucks. After my divorce, it would be cheaper to buy these by the case and just throw them away after the first use.

In fact, I just hit the buy button at Amazon 10 times!

samcontrol's picture

connecting to the internet is lazy, lol , what the fuck are we all doing here?

blindman's picture

mostly wasting more precious resources for amusement
rather than something more beneficial.

Groundhog Day's picture

Asimilate into the collective , resistance is futile

The borg

Cursive's picture

"You WILL have your dick mechanically sucked!"

Rainman's picture

Now the machines are putting the hoes out of bizness !

BLOTTO's picture

That device would be good for Borgs and C-3P0 and Darth Vader...

Parrotile's picture

Bluetooth or NFC would permit multiple device synchronisation . . . .

(which might be interesting, from an "organisational" viewpoint!)

Maybe extra Apps to permit more convenient assimilation . . . . .

freedogger's picture

As much as I despise this crap, it might make police slightly more civil and mindful of our rights when they realize every interaction is being streamed in real time to the cloud.

Dash cams on steroids.

New_Meat's picture

lotsa' folks video-ing the police ace the rot

Totentänzerlied's picture

Sociopaths cannot feel shame, guilt, or remorse. They can't predict, recognize, or understand the feelings of others. You cannot threaten a sociopath, it doesn't mean anything to them.