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Wednesday Humor: The Next Paradigm In Wearable Computers

Tyler Durden's picture





 

The iWatch; Google Glass; the convergence between body and computer continues at a torrid pace, yet nobody knows just what the winning formula will be to make lazy, internet addicted consumers even lazier if more connected to the binary void.

One proposal for what will certainly be an "out of the box" (or "in the box" as the case may be) next generation product, and one which may appear avant garde, controversial and even shocking, comes from the Onion which as usual is years ahead of its time in a world which is now straight from, well, the Onion, which represents "a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time." In short (to pardon the pun), a profit gold mine.

Source: The Onion, obviously

 


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Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:09 | Link to Comment RacerX
RacerX's picture

omg.. Lol.. SAMSUNG > *

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:11 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

iCame

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:12 | Link to Comment RacerX
RacerX's picture

just imagine how many specialized add-on apps they could sell for it.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:17 | Link to Comment CrockettAlmanac.com
CrockettAlmanac.com's picture

"I like my species the way it is."  -- Lt. Worf

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | Link to Comment ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

Now just combine it will the beer hat and I think you have a winner..

http://www.drinkstuff.com/img/reviews/8208large.jpg

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | Link to Comment Quisat_Sadarak
Quisat_Sadarak's picture

Samsung or Samsuck?

 

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | Link to Comment Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Reminds me of an old joke:

What's that useless piece of skin around a vagina? - A Woman!

Does it come in white, the black one may stop working?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:58 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

Hah ha ha ha ha ah  
Oh my...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:06 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

fonestar... Here is your nirvana!... [or are you gonna wait for the 'Signature Satoshi Eddie Bauer Nakamoto' model to hit the shelves?...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:51 | Link to Comment espirit
espirit's picture

Meh, still waiting on the lifesize hologram porn vids.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:14 | Link to Comment Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

The Jessica Alba Robot Fuck Doll.

The question is "When will I ever be able to suffer the embarrassment and take it to dinner?"

...

...

...

When there are three or four couples already there.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:33 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

As soon as the NSA sponsored 'beta ~ LADYBOY' models are perfected... The 'hetero~STREET MODELS will hit the shelves'...

Flakmeister... Howz that trial coming along?... Where we at?...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:40 | Link to Comment Spigot
Spigot's picture

At $1000 for the unit they are at break even. Its the sale of expendable cum collection bags and customization accessories where the money will be made.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:46 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

I'm not sure "consumables" is apropos here...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 07:45 | Link to Comment Drunken Monkey
Drunken Monkey's picture

You're missing the point. You never have to take it to dinner.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:11 | Link to Comment Bring the Gold
Bring the Gold's picture

ZH community summed up in one racist sexist joke.

 

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:20 | Link to Comment prains
prains's picture

BTG

you may have missed the memo; this is fight club

 

not almond milk and tofu club, i think cnn has a link to their website

 

edit: just so you know my wife isn't white and still laughed, ease up on the choke up bit, you'll find life runs smoother, less fumes

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:25 | Link to Comment TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

Prains, you missed the addendum, this isn't Fight Club anymore at all, it's a forum on the Swiss Law Institute.

You can’t say what you like anymore.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 01:37 | Link to Comment jeff montanye
jeff montanye's picture

there is a lot to what you say. skin around a vagina indeed.  too many women said "ah, no dice", is my guess.

but then there is this guy (and, later, his wife, as i understand it):  http://www.independent.co.uk/news/professor-has-worlds-first-silicon-chi...

 

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:20 | Link to Comment Mr. Mandelbrot
Mr. Mandelbrot's picture

"Behind every great man is a greater woman"

The kind of perverted sentiment you just expressed is exactly the kind of thing I'm on zerohedge railing against.  I have a daughter that is about to be born, so fuck you for denigrating women.  Your stock just dropped (and the tittie avatar ain't gonna bring it back) . . .

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:21 | Link to Comment TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

You'll need to breathe through those contractions.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 03:28 | Link to Comment SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

Get it in yellow.  Then it never quits, does a better job and any error messages are incomprehensible. 

HOWEVER it does take over your bank acount quite readily. 

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | Link to Comment Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

Best quote all day.

Fuck robots.

But yeah - the Onion video was a riot.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:28 | Link to Comment max2205
max2205's picture

If it can make a good trade...I want it

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:53 | Link to Comment MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

I was a beta-tester <sheepish grin>

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:39 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Oh, tester, not taster.

Never mind.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | Link to Comment ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:48 | Link to Comment gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

+1

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:22 | Link to Comment McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

"It's Mega-Maid, sir. She's gone from suck to blow!" —Colonel Sandurz

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:38 | Link to Comment jimmytorpedo
jimmytorpedo's picture

Does that mean we all get to blow a load in the NSA's face?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:07 | Link to Comment Tarheel
Tarheel's picture

perfect response, i laughed so hard at that

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:09 | Link to Comment prains
prains's picture

iCame iSaw iTickled

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:19 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture

@RacerX

Don't you get the feeling that this has been discussed in boardrooms?  Maybe just short of having a prototype built?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

There is a thing called a "fleshlight" that is waaaay beyond the boardroom already.

EDIT: google that at your own risk, NSFW on any continent.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:01 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

 

 

 

O
M
G

And
how
did
you
know
about
it?

And watches Deepthroat for the dailogue, I presume....

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:24 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I tak'n da Fif.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:32 | Link to Comment Not Too Important
Not Too Important's picture

Oh, come on, Knucks. After my divorce, it would be cheaper to buy these by the case and just throw them away after the first use.

In fact, I just hit the buy button at Amazon 10 times!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | Link to Comment samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

connecting to the internet is lazy, lol , what the fuck are we all doing here?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | Link to Comment blindman
blindman's picture

mostly wasting more precious resources for amusement
rather than something more beneficial.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:26 | Link to Comment Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day's picture

Asimilate into the collective , resistance is futile

The borg

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 10:44 | Link to Comment auntiesocial
auntiesocial's picture

where do I buy one?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:16 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture

"You WILL have your dick mechanically sucked!"

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | Link to Comment Rainman
Rainman's picture

Now the machines are putting the hoes out of bizness !

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:52 | Link to Comment BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

That device would be good for Borgs and C-3P0 and Darth Vader...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 05:24 | Link to Comment Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Bluetooth or NFC would permit multiple device synchronisation . . . .

(which might be interesting, from an "organisational" viewpoint!)

Maybe extra Apps to permit more convenient assimilation . . . . .

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:18 | Link to Comment freedogger
freedogger's picture

As much as I despise this crap, it might make police slightly more civil and mindful of our rights when they realize every interaction is being streamed in real time to the cloud.

Dash cams on steroids.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | Link to Comment CrockettAlmanac.com
CrockettAlmanac.com's picture

Interesting twist.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:14 | Link to Comment New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

lotsa' folks video-ing the police ace the rot

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:40 | Link to Comment Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

Sociopaths cannot feel shame, guilt, or remorse. They can't predict, recognize, or understand the feelings of others. You cannot threaten a sociopath, it doesn't mean anything to them.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I ... don't actually know what to say.

Yeah. A first for cougar_w. Speechless. Or maybe it's just my short-week Friday and I really need a beer.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:20 | Link to Comment disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

they say the third one costs extra. happy 4th it is then!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | Link to Comment Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

I am so fucking bummed that this is not a real device.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | Link to Comment tmosley
tmosley's picture

"Can you fuck it?"

"What!?"

"Can you FUCK IT?"

I guess now we all know the answer.

Let the NSA spy on that one.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | Link to Comment Skin666
Skin666's picture

So wanted it to be real...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | Link to Comment SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

Onion perhaps, but it's certainly getting closer to being plugged into "the matrix", isn't it?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:24 | Link to Comment blindman
blindman's picture

Madeleine Albright - The deaths of 500,000 Iraqi children was worth it for Iraq's
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM0uvgHKZe8
.
not that I watch this guy but ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU8vR9DEhdE
.
Hawaiian Pidgin English | Siri vs Hawaiian Pidgin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zyplVPJuF4
.
Step Right Up- Tom Waits
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8YcEmKleJk
.
"...delivers the pizza." that line kills me even
after all the years. " it's only a dollar" . t.w.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:55 | Link to Comment MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

LOL on Siri. Bitch listens about as good as the rest of 'em.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:17 | Link to Comment New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

one dolla' GI, one dolla' good time

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | Link to Comment blindman
Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:18 | Link to Comment New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

Drone Spotting App hacked by no such agency, turns your iThingie into a self-designator.

Everyone hates self-designating.

- Ned

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | Link to Comment flacorps
flacorps's picture

This is the actual future:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUa3np4CKC4

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | Link to Comment Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

I would never leave the house.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | Link to Comment jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

i would never leave my chair

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:04 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

I'd never get off the crapper next to the mni fridge

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 20:17 | Link to Comment Not Too Important
Not Too Important's picture

Are you referring to the chair scene in Brainstorm, where he loops the orgasm?

YEEHAW!!!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:28 | Link to Comment icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

Syyyyyy Borg... gimme dat gimme dat http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PRjivglNzQ

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:30 | Link to Comment roadhazard
roadhazard's picture

Can I get a pair that just sucks my cock.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:06 | Link to Comment otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I would like to look through the glasses and see the image of the tops of CNBC anchorbitches' heads- maria b, d olick, michelle ca-ca( even though I think she may have a penis) aussie bitch, jim cramer-wait-WHAT?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:32 | Link to Comment blindman
blindman's picture

Passengers leaning their head against the window will “hear” adverts “coming from inside the user’s head”

Posted on July 3, 2013 by maxkeiser — 4 Comments ?

•Sky to broadcast adverts directly into train passengers’ heads
Sky has developed technology to transfer adverts from train windows directly and silently into commuters’ heads.

Read more at http://www.maxkeiser.com/2013/07/passengers-leaning-their-head-against-t...
.
http://www.maxkeiser.com/2013/07/passengers-leaning-their-head-against-t...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 15:51 | Link to Comment Best Satan in Town
Best Satan in Town's picture

Nice that they've found a non-military use for this tech.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:33 | Link to Comment thisandthat
thisandthat's picture

iPenis? iSuck? Yes, iCunt?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:34 | Link to Comment Rainman
Rainman's picture

When I buy this gadget and AAPL.s new Dick Tracy watch I'll be one cool looking dude.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:58 | Link to Comment Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

Was Dick Tracy's watch color or black and white?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:35 | Link to Comment NidStyles
NidStyles's picture

I'll stick to my desktop that has no cameras and I can simply turn it off when I get tired of dealing with assholes tracking my activities.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:41 | Link to Comment Catullus
Catullus's picture

It's powered by your dreams.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:43 | Link to Comment krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

 'Is that a zoom lens in your pants or are you just happy to see me?'  'Both actually.'

And in other news: http://www.zdnet.com/dont-worry-the-u-s-government-is-tracking-your-snail-mail-too-7000017648/?s_cid=e589&ttag=e589

Don't write any more letters to Santa kiddies, the Big Bad Wolf is watching.  Santa no doubt would be labeled a terrorist as he flies through protected airspace, crosses the border without a passport, and 'knows when you've been bad or good' so he's obviously hacked the NSA database...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:47 | Link to Comment MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

Dear Santa, aka Krisp Kringle:

for Christmas I want 2 leakers for every NSA agent & backdoors into PRISM open everywhere by Anonymous.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:51 | Link to Comment ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

Googles(tm)

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:55 | Link to Comment annapaxis
Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:25 | Link to Comment GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

Damn, I'm really falling behind... I don't even have a cell phone.

 

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:45 | Link to Comment Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

You DO realize that 3rd gen of this device will be a medical device capable of giving you your annual prostate exam? Also realize that the cost, because it is a medical device, will be astronomic BUT subsidized under Obamakare. But, that model may be delayed a year as well.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:00 | Link to Comment Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

Obamaocare has a tax on medical devices. Label it "For Amusment Only".

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 02:08 | Link to Comment BooMushroom
BooMushroom's picture

Can it give a brief prostate exam? Like one second long... Say, oh, every other second, for about 15 minutes?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:19 | Link to Comment Debt Slave
Debt Slave's picture

Oh yeah it will be a gold mine, for the purveyors of filth.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:26 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Don't knock it. The Internet runs on filth like that.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:46 | Link to Comment Aurora Ex Machina
Aurora Ex Machina's picture

Wait for the iWatch.

I've said before, if it ain't got a projecting holographic screen, or retina projection, that shit is going to make the Chicxulub crater look like a summer breeze. Here's hoping that's all a fake, and APPL will pull an amazing fake-out out of the bag, and they'll 'revolutionise' the market space again with a product that has nothing to do with a Swatch (remind me again who designed the first MP3 players and Tablets? Hmm).

 

It will be Biblical. (And, smarter, smarter bears should track where their $113 billion fund is invested in, and the killing will be when they start having to more capital from there).

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:34 | Link to Comment evernewecon
evernewecon's picture

 

 

 

I think you'll agree this is related.

 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/30/pope-gay-lobby-vatican-gossip 

 

I've contrasted patients as platforms for

contracting as if they were cars on a dealer's

lot vs. platforms for technological ability

and compassion.  

 

I've compared the sell-off of passenger rail service

to the government when the airlines' original growth

phase, and the interstate highway system's growth phase,

which was a freebie for cars/oil, with the fact that

in its origin Medicare was National Health Insurance

for unwanted customers.

 

What does one do with this?

It looks like a mixture of all those, combined with

a vested interest in people pulling strings that

Amtrak not really succeed, plus taking advantage

of adversity caused.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:28 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Does yer product suck?  YES!! Praise the Lowd!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:56 | Link to Comment Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture

LMFAO

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 22:25 | Link to Comment tnquake
tnquake's picture

"Death Toll at Foxconn Increases"

Quality testers of the new Samsung iCame device are dying in higer "than usual" numbers at the Foxconn assembly plant in the Longhua Science & Technology Park. Foxconn is the sub-contractor to Samsung and has erected a new facility espically designed for the assembly and testing of the new Samsung iCame device.

Doctor's are seeing the quailty testers dying on the job after working for less than one week. The related symptoms are crossed eyes, grabbing of the crotch area, permanent smiles, and blood tests show high traces of Viagra. Company and health experts are confused and concerned.

Quality testers are a popular job at Foxconn, since over 10,000 workers are on a waiting list for the job.

More details as they arise.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 22:52 | Link to Comment William Wics
William Wics's picture

Awesome.

Too bad the Onion is 14 years late in "thinking this one up."

http://www.welookdoyou.com/fufme/

This was old, perverse, and boring in 1999. By 2013 it's just sad.

--

WW

 

 

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 01:24 | Link to Comment Brixton Guns
Brixton Guns's picture

meh.  still waiting for the iLid.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 11:43 | Link to Comment annapaxis
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