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Wednesday Humor: The Next Paradigm In Wearable Computers

Tyler Durden's picture


The iWatch; Google Glass; the convergence between body and computer continues at a torrid pace, yet nobody knows just what the winning formula will be to make lazy, internet addicted consumers even lazier if more connected to the binary void.

One proposal for what will certainly be an "out of the box" (or "in the box" as the case may be) next generation product, and one which may appear avant garde, controversial and even shocking, comes from the Onion which as usual is years ahead of its time in a world which is now straight from, well, the Onion, which represents "a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time." In short (to pardon the pun), a profit gold mine.

Source: The Onion, obviously


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Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:09 | 3719388 RacerX
RacerX's picture

omg.. Lol.. SAMSUNG > *

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:11 | 3719391 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:12 | 3719397 RacerX
RacerX's picture

just imagine how many specialized add-on apps they could sell for it.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:17 | 3719402's picture

"I like my species the way it is."  -- Lt. Worf

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | 3719409 ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

Now just combine it will the beer hat and I think you have a winner..

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | 3719421 Quisat_Sadarak
Quisat_Sadarak's picture

Samsung or Samsuck?


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | 3719455 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Reminds me of an old joke:

What's that useless piece of skin around a vagina? - A Woman!

Does it come in white, the black one may stop working?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:58 | 3719521 knukles
knukles's picture

Hah ha ha ha ha ah  
Oh my...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:06 | 3719549 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

fonestar... Here is your nirvana!... [or are you gonna wait for the 'Signature Satoshi Eddie Bauer Nakamoto' model to hit the shelves?...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:51 | 3719646 espirit
espirit's picture

Meh, still waiting on the lifesize hologram porn vids.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:14 | 3719722 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

The Jessica Alba Robot Fuck Doll.

The question is "When will I ever be able to suffer the embarrassment and take it to dinner?"




When there are three or four couples already there.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:33 | 3719763 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

As soon as the NSA sponsored 'beta ~ LADYBOY' models are perfected... The 'hetero~STREET MODELS will hit the shelves'...

Flakmeister... Howz that trial coming along?... Where we at?...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:40 | 3719777 Spigot
Spigot's picture

At $1000 for the unit they are at break even. Its the sale of expendable cum collection bags and customization accessories where the money will be made.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:46 | 3719798 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

I'm not sure "consumables" is apropos here...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 07:45 | 3720833 Drunken Monkey
Drunken Monkey's picture

You're missing the point. You never have to take it to dinner.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:11 | 3719870 Bring the Gold
Bring the Gold's picture

ZH community summed up in one racist sexist joke.


Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:20 | 3720190 prains
prains's picture


you may have missed the memo; this is fight club


not almond milk and tofu club, i think cnn has a link to their website


edit: just so you know my wife isn't white and still laughed, ease up on the choke up bit, you'll find life runs smoother, less fumes

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:25 | 3720561 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

Prains, you missed the addendum, this isn't Fight Club anymore at all, it's a forum on the Swiss Law Institute.

You can’t say what you like anymore.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 01:37 | 3720628 jeff montanye
jeff montanye's picture

there is a lot to what you say. skin around a vagina indeed.  too many women said "ah, no dice", is my guess.

but then there is this guy (and, later, his wife, as i understand it):


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:20 | 3720251 Mr. Mandelbrot
Mr. Mandelbrot's picture

"Behind every great man is a greater woman"

The kind of perverted sentiment you just expressed is exactly the kind of thing I'm on zerohedge railing against.  I have a daughter that is about to be born, so fuck you for denigrating women.  Your stock just dropped (and the tittie avatar ain't gonna bring it back) . . .

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:21 | 3720557 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

You'll need to breathe through those contractions.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 03:28 | 3720674 SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

Get it in yellow.  Then it never quits, does a better job and any error messages are incomprehensible. 

HOWEVER it does take over your bank acount quite readily. 

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | 3719415 Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

Best quote all day.

Fuck robots.

But yeah - the Onion video was a riot.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:28 | 3719442 max2205
max2205's picture

If it can make a good trade...I want it

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:53 | 3719657 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

I was a beta-tester <sheepish grin>

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:39 | 3719775 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Oh, tester, not taster.

Never mind.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719416 ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:48 | 3719493 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:22 | 3719423 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

"It's Mega-Maid, sir. She's gone from suck to blow!" —Colonel Sandurz

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:38 | 3719463 jimmytorpedo
jimmytorpedo's picture

Does that mean we all get to blow a load in the NSA's face?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:07 | 3719703 Tarheel
Tarheel's picture

perfect response, i laughed so hard at that

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:09 | 3719856 prains
prains's picture

iCame iSaw iTickled

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:19 | 3719408 Cursive
Cursive's picture


Don't you get the feeling that this has been discussed in boardrooms?  Maybe just short of having a prototype built?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719422 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

There is a thing called a "fleshlight" that is waaaay beyond the boardroom already.

EDIT: google that at your own risk, NSFW on any continent.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:01 | 3719532 knukles
knukles's picture






And watches Deepthroat for the dailogue, I presume....

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:24 | 3719944 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I tak'n da Fif.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:32 | 3719975 Not Too Important
Not Too Important's picture

Oh, come on, Knucks. After my divorce, it would be cheaper to buy these by the case and just throw them away after the first use.

In fact, I just hit the buy button at Amazon 10 times!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | 3719436 samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

connecting to the internet is lazy, lol , what the fuck are we all doing here?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | 3719458 blindman
blindman's picture

mostly wasting more precious resources for amusement
rather than something more beneficial.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:26 | 3719607 Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day's picture

Asimilate into the collective , resistance is futile

The borg

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 10:44 | 3721138 auntiesocial
auntiesocial's picture

where do I buy one?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:16 | 3719401 Cursive
Cursive's picture

"You WILL have your dick mechanically sucked!"

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719427 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Now the machines are putting the hoes out of bizness !

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:52 | 3719510 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

That device would be good for Borgs and C-3P0 and Darth Vader...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 05:24 | 3720727 Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Bluetooth or NFC would permit multiple device synchronisation . . . .

(which might be interesting, from an "organisational" viewpoint!)

Maybe extra Apps to permit more convenient assimilation . . . . .

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:18 | 3719404 freedogger
freedogger's picture

As much as I despise this crap, it might make police slightly more civil and mindful of our rights when they realize every interaction is being streamed in real time to the cloud.

Dash cams on steroids.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | 3719413's picture

Interesting twist.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:14 | 3719569 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

lotsa' folks video-ing the police ace the rot

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:40 | 3720577 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

Sociopaths cannot feel shame, guilt, or remorse. They can't predict, recognize, or understand the feelings of others. You cannot threaten a sociopath, it doesn't mean anything to them.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | 3719412 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I ... don't actually know what to say.

Yeah. A first for cougar_w. Speechless. Or maybe it's just my short-week Friday and I really need a beer.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:20 | 3719923 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

they say the third one costs extra. happy 4th it is then!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | 3719417 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

I am so fucking bummed that this is not a real device.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | 3719419 tmosley
tmosley's picture

"Can you fuck it?"


"Can you FUCK IT?"

I guess now we all know the answer.

Let the NSA spy on that one.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719425 Skin666
Skin666's picture

So wanted it to be real...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719426 SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

Onion perhaps, but it's certainly getting closer to being plugged into "the matrix", isn't it?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:24 | 3719429 blindman
blindman's picture

Madeleine Albright - The deaths of 500,000 Iraqi children was worth it for Iraq's
not that I watch this guy but ..
Hawaiian Pidgin English | Siri vs Hawaiian Pidgin
Step Right Up- Tom Waits
"...delivers the pizza." that line kills me even
after all the years. " it's only a dollar" . t.w.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:55 | 3719517 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

LOL on Siri. Bitch listens about as good as the rest of 'em.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:17 | 3719581 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

one dolla' GI, one dolla' good time

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | 3719437 blindman
Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:18 | 3719583 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

Drone Spotting App hacked by no such agency, turns your iThingie into a self-designator.

Everyone hates self-designating.

- Ned

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | 3719439 flacorps
flacorps's picture

This is the actual future:

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | 3719440 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

I would never leave the house.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | 3719459 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

i would never leave my chair

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:04 | 3719540 knukles
knukles's picture

I'd never get off the crapper next to the mni fridge

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 20:17 | 3720131 Not Too Important
Not Too Important's picture

Are you referring to the chair scene in Brainstorm, where he loops the orgasm?


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:28 | 3719443 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

Syyyyyy Borg... gimme dat gimme dat

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:30 | 3719448 roadhazard
roadhazard's picture

Can I get a pair that just sucks my cock.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:06 | 3719537 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I would like to look through the glasses and see the image of the tops of CNBC anchorbitches' heads- maria b, d olick, michelle ca-ca( even though I think she may have a penis) aussie bitch, jim cramer-wait-WHAT?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:32 | 3719450 blindman
blindman's picture

Passengers leaning their head against the window will “hear” adverts “coming from inside the user’s head”

Posted on July 3, 2013 by maxkeiser — 4 Comments ?

•Sky to broadcast adverts directly into train passengers’ heads
Sky has developed technology to transfer adverts from train windows directly and silently into commuters’ heads.


Thu, 07/04/2013 - 15:51 | 3721905 Best Satan in Town
Best Satan in Town's picture

Nice that they've found a non-military use for this tech.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:33 | 3719453 thisandthat
thisandthat's picture

iPenis? iSuck? Yes, iCunt?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:34 | 3719454 Rainman
Rainman's picture

When I buy this gadget and AAPL.s new Dick Tracy watch I'll be one cool looking dude.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:58 | 3719825 Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

Was Dick Tracy's watch color or black and white?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:35 | 3719456 NidStyles
NidStyles's picture

I'll stick to my desktop that has no cameras and I can simply turn it off when I get tired of dealing with assholes tracking my activities.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:41 | 3719469 Catullus
Catullus's picture

It's powered by your dreams.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:43 | 3719480 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

 'Is that a zoom lens in your pants or are you just happy to see me?'  'Both actually.'

And in other news:

Don't write any more letters to Santa kiddies, the Big Bad Wolf is watching.  Santa no doubt would be labeled a terrorist as he flies through protected airspace, crosses the border without a passport, and 'knows when you've been bad or good' so he's obviously hacked the NSA database...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:47 | 3719489 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

Dear Santa, aka Krisp Kringle:

for Christmas I want 2 leakers for every NSA agent & backdoors into PRISM open everywhere by Anonymous.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:51 | 3719508 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:55 | 3719516 annapaxis
Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:25 | 3719751 GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

Damn, I'm really falling behind... I don't even have a cell phone.


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:45 | 3719793 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

You DO realize that 3rd gen of this device will be a medical device capable of giving you your annual prostate exam? Also realize that the cost, because it is a medical device, will be astronomic BUT subsidized under Obamakare. But, that model may be delayed a year as well.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:00 | 3719832 Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

Obamaocare has a tax on medical devices. Label it "For Amusment Only".

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 02:08 | 3720640 BooMushroom
BooMushroom's picture

Can it give a brief prostate exam? Like one second long... Say, oh, every other second, for about 15 minutes?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:19 | 3719922 Debt Slave
Debt Slave's picture

Oh yeah it will be a gold mine, for the purveyors of filth.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:26 | 3719955 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Don't knock it. The Internet runs on filth like that.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:46 | 3719974 Aurora Ex Machina
Aurora Ex Machina's picture

Wait for the iWatch.

I've said before, if it ain't got a projecting holographic screen, or retina projection, that shit is going to make the Chicxulub crater look like a summer breeze. Here's hoping that's all a fake, and APPL will pull an amazing fake-out out of the bag, and they'll 'revolutionise' the market space again with a product that has nothing to do with a Swatch (remind me again who designed the first MP3 players and Tablets? Hmm).


It will be Biblical. (And, smarter, smarter bears should track where their $113 billion fund is invested in, and the killing will be when they start having to more capital from there).

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:34 | 3719982 evernewecon
evernewecon's picture




I think you'll agree this is related. 


I've contrasted patients as platforms for

contracting as if they were cars on a dealer's

lot vs. platforms for technological ability

and compassion.  


I've compared the sell-off of passenger rail service

to the government when the airlines' original growth

phase, and the interstate highway system's growth phase,

which was a freebie for cars/oil, with the fact that

in its origin Medicare was National Health Insurance

for unwanted customers.


What does one do with this?

It looks like a mixture of all those, combined with

a vested interest in people pulling strings that

Amtrak not really succeed, plus taking advantage

of adversity caused.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:28 | 3720274 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Does yer product suck?  YES!! Praise the Lowd!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:56 | 3720334 Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 22:25 | 3720380 tnquake
tnquake's picture

"Death Toll at Foxconn Increases"

Quality testers of the new Samsung iCame device are dying in higer "than usual" numbers at the Foxconn assembly plant in the Longhua Science & Technology Park. Foxconn is the sub-contractor to Samsung and has erected a new facility espically designed for the assembly and testing of the new Samsung iCame device.

Doctor's are seeing the quailty testers dying on the job after working for less than one week. The related symptoms are crossed eyes, grabbing of the crotch area, permanent smiles, and blood tests show high traces of Viagra. Company and health experts are confused and concerned.

Quality testers are a popular job at Foxconn, since over 10,000 workers are on a waiting list for the job.

More details as they arise.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 22:52 | 3720417 William Wics
William Wics's picture


Too bad the Onion is 14 years late in "thinking this one up."

This was old, perverse, and boring in 1999. By 2013 it's just sad.





Thu, 07/04/2013 - 01:24 | 3720622 Brixton Guns
Brixton Guns's picture

meh.  still waiting for the iLid.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 11:43 | 3721257 annapaxis
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