Wednesday Humor: The Next Paradigm In Wearable Computers

Tyler Durden's picture


The iWatch; Google Glass; the convergence between body and computer continues at a torrid pace, yet nobody knows just what the winning formula will be to make lazy, internet addicted consumers even lazier if more connected to the binary void.

One proposal for what will certainly be an "out of the box" (or "in the box" as the case may be) next generation product, and one which may appear avant garde, controversial and even shocking, comes from the Onion which as usual is years ahead of its time in a world which is now straight from, well, the Onion, which represents "a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time." In short (to pardon the pun), a profit gold mine.

Source: The Onion, obviously

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Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:09 | 3719388 RacerX
RacerX's picture

omg.. Lol.. SAMSUNG > *

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:11 | 3719391 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:12 | 3719397 RacerX
RacerX's picture

just imagine how many specialized add-on apps they could sell for it.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:17 | 3719402's picture

"I like my species the way it is."  -- Lt. Worf

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | 3719409 ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

Now just combine it will the beer hat and I think you have a winner..

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | 3719421 Quisat_Sadarak
Quisat_Sadarak's picture

Samsung or Samsuck?


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | 3719455 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Reminds me of an old joke:

What's that useless piece of skin around a vagina? - A Woman!

Does it come in white, the black one may stop working?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:58 | 3719521 knukles
knukles's picture

Hah ha ha ha ha ah  
Oh my...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:06 | 3719549 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

fonestar... Here is your nirvana!... [or are you gonna wait for the 'Signature Satoshi Eddie Bauer Nakamoto' model to hit the shelves?...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:51 | 3719646 espirit
espirit's picture

Meh, still waiting on the lifesize hologram porn vids.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:14 | 3719722 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

The Jessica Alba Robot Fuck Doll.

The question is "When will I ever be able to suffer the embarrassment and take it to dinner?"




When there are three or four couples already there.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:33 | 3719763 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

As soon as the NSA sponsored 'beta ~ LADYBOY' models are perfected... The 'hetero~STREET MODELS will hit the shelves'...

Flakmeister... Howz that trial coming along?... Where we at?...

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:40 | 3719777 Spigot
Spigot's picture

At $1000 for the unit they are at break even. Its the sale of expendable cum collection bags and customization accessories where the money will be made.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:46 | 3719798 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

I'm not sure "consumables" is apropos here...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 07:45 | 3720833 Drunken Monkey
Drunken Monkey's picture

You're missing the point. You never have to take it to dinner.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:11 | 3719870 Bring the Gold
Bring the Gold's picture

ZH community summed up in one racist sexist joke.


Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:20 | 3720190 prains
prains's picture


you may have missed the memo; this is fight club


not almond milk and tofu club, i think cnn has a link to their website


edit: just so you know my wife isn't white and still laughed, ease up on the choke up bit, you'll find life runs smoother, less fumes

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:25 | 3720561 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

Prains, you missed the addendum, this isn't Fight Club anymore at all, it's a forum on the Swiss Law Institute.

You can’t say what you like anymore.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 01:37 | 3720628 jeff montanye
jeff montanye's picture

there is a lot to what you say. skin around a vagina indeed.  too many women said "ah, no dice", is my guess.

but then there is this guy (and, later, his wife, as i understand it):


Wed, 07/03/2013 - 21:20 | 3720251 Mr. Mandelbrot
Mr. Mandelbrot's picture

"Behind every great man is a greater woman"

The kind of perverted sentiment you just expressed is exactly the kind of thing I'm on zerohedge railing against.  I have a daughter that is about to be born, so fuck you for denigrating women.  Your stock just dropped (and the tittie avatar ain't gonna bring it back) . . .

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:21 | 3720557 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture

You'll need to breathe through those contractions.

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 03:28 | 3720674 SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

Get it in yellow.  Then it never quits, does a better job and any error messages are incomprehensible. 

HOWEVER it does take over your bank acount quite readily. 

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:21 | 3719415 Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

Best quote all day.

Fuck robots.

But yeah - the Onion video was a riot.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:28 | 3719442 max2205
max2205's picture

If it can make a good trade...I want it

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:53 | 3719657 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

I was a beta-tester <sheepish grin>

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:39 | 3719775 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Oh, tester, not taster.

Never mind.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719416 ZerOhead
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Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:48 | 3719493 gmrpeabody
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Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:22 | 3719423 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

"It's Mega-Maid, sir. She's gone from suck to blow!" —Colonel Sandurz

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:38 | 3719463 jimmytorpedo
jimmytorpedo's picture

Does that mean we all get to blow a load in the NSA's face?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 18:07 | 3719703 Tarheel
Tarheel's picture

perfect response, i laughed so hard at that

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:09 | 3719856 prains
prains's picture

iCame iSaw iTickled

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:19 | 3719408 Cursive
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Don't you get the feeling that this has been discussed in boardrooms?  Maybe just short of having a prototype built?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719422 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

There is a thing called a "fleshlight" that is waaaay beyond the boardroom already.

EDIT: google that at your own risk, NSFW on any continent.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:01 | 3719532 knukles
knukles's picture






And watches Deepthroat for the dailogue, I presume....

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:24 | 3719944 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I tak'n da Fif.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 19:32 | 3719975 Not Too Important
Not Too Important's picture

Oh, come on, Knucks. After my divorce, it would be cheaper to buy these by the case and just throw them away after the first use.

In fact, I just hit the buy button at Amazon 10 times!

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:26 | 3719436 samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

connecting to the internet is lazy, lol , what the fuck are we all doing here?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:36 | 3719458 blindman
blindman's picture

mostly wasting more precious resources for amusement
rather than something more beneficial.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:26 | 3719607 Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day's picture

Asimilate into the collective , resistance is futile

The borg

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 10:44 | 3721138 auntiesocial
auntiesocial's picture

where do I buy one?

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:16 | 3719401 Cursive
Cursive's picture

"You WILL have your dick mechanically sucked!"

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:23 | 3719427 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Now the machines are putting the hoes out of bizness !

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:52 | 3719510 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

That device would be good for Borgs and C-3P0 and Darth Vader...

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 05:24 | 3720727 Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Bluetooth or NFC would permit multiple device synchronisation . . . .

(which might be interesting, from an "organisational" viewpoint!)

Maybe extra Apps to permit more convenient assimilation . . . . .

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:18 | 3719404 freedogger
freedogger's picture

As much as I despise this crap, it might make police slightly more civil and mindful of our rights when they realize every interaction is being streamed in real time to the cloud.

Dash cams on steroids.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 16:20 | 3719413's picture

Interesting twist.

Wed, 07/03/2013 - 17:14 | 3719569 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

lotsa' folks video-ing the police ace the rot

Thu, 07/04/2013 - 00:40 | 3720577 Totentänzerlied
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Sociopaths cannot feel shame, guilt, or remorse. They can't predict, recognize, or understand the feelings of others. You cannot threaten a sociopath, it doesn't mean anything to them.

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