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Sunday (Un)Humor: The Government Subsidizes What?

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Professor Art Carden has developed some exceptionally silly walks and is seeking payment for his work. Since he cannot find anyone to pay him voluntarily, perhaps he should apply for a government subsidy for producing silly walks. But while silly walks may benefit society, the fact that people will not pay for their development voluntarily indicates that people do not value silly walks as much as other things people would pay him to do. Are some subsidies valid, though? What about for food? Or for education? How about subsidies for clean energy? Is government assistance definitely better for society?

 

 

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Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:43 | 3728643 Real Estate Geek
Real Estate Geek's picture

Here’s a program the government should subsidize.

It has become clear that we are on the cusp of a glorious transformation of American society.  Only now have the respective progressions of technology, government services, and—most importantly—social attitudes aligned to give our government the opportunity to banish the twin scourges of terrorism and crime from the shores of this Sweet Land of Liberty!  Think of it:  NO terrorism and NO crime. 

How could we eradicate those plagues?  The same way we got rid of Polio:  inoculation!  All terrorism and crime could be prevented by use of a medication that has a track record of efficacy spanning almost 80 years; a medication deemed so safe and effective that it’s on the World Health Organization’s list of Essential Medicines! 

Here’s how it would work.  At each citizen’s annual Patriot Scan, a licensed health professional would administer the Sodium Pentothal™ before asking a series of questions that may be quite brief.  Assuming that his answers are satisfactory, the citizen will soon be on his way, secure in the knowledge that he’s done his fair share to keep the Homeland safe. 

The Patriot Scan could also be a cost effective “one stop shop” for citizens to ensure that their:  (i) papers are in order; (ii) fines, fees, and taxes are current, and:  (iii) cellphone is backed up!

After all, can any of us truly be free, when even one is imprisoned by their fear of terrorism and crime?

(With my apologies to Mr. Swift.)

 

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:50 | 3728660 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Sodium Pentothal!!??  Are you kidding??  They'll just use water boarding instead cause it's a lot less expensive.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:06 | 3728702 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

They'll tell you its your annual bath.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:23 | 3728919 Xibalba
Xibalba's picture

It's good for your teeth!

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:13 | 3728892 JFKFC
JFKFC's picture

Patriot Scan?
You ever seen the Census clusterfuck?

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:51 | 3728661 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Oh I'll give you a "sample" all right.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:01 | 3728688 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Never going to happen. The banks will never allow anything to significantly compete with credit scores as a means of controlling and regulating behavior.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:04 | 3728694 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

There must always be terrorism and crime...this keeps the majority of people just scared enough to embrace their imprisonment.

...Subsidy Declined.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 18:12 | 3729029 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

I liked this video.

It's like 'Von Mises 101' for kindergartners!

Happily approaching enslavement, a technical servant for an un-named derivitave company of 'THE Corporation' (of Mortgage Holders) likes to quote the works of one  'Jonothan Swift', apolegetically; describing the coming (and surely assured) 'new world order' in laughable terms. "Here’s how it would work."

In the meantime, a 'highly trained' pilot who can't follow Visual Flight Rules, slams the tail of his 777 on the outer wall marker of San Fransisco's 'international airport', and the 'PTB' state that the investigation 'could take years'. Two people were killed, and 158 people were injured. It was 'much fun' to describe the 'South Korean pilot's inabilities' (because of his particular ethnicity).

 

'Captain Trips' DOES, NOT, EXIST!

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:49 | 3728657 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

There's always KickStarter! LOL

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:55 | 3728670 css1971
css1971's picture

Call it "Sunday Education", or maybe deprogramming.

Seriously people don't get this. Subsidise corn production, get invert corn syrup (AKA High Fructose Corn Syrup) in everything. It's cheap so what do they do? Yeah lets turn it into ethanol and burn it. You get corn fed animals, corn fed chicken. The effects go on and on.

There are multiple levels of fuckedupness involved.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:06 | 3728698 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

Don't forget the GMO's...

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:33 | 3728784 css1971
css1971's picture

Most agricultural subsidies are for grains, (and therefore meat and dairy as feed)... Which funnily enough are exactly the things implicated in the obesity epidemic sweeping through western countries.

If you push down the price of HFCS for example it reduces the input cost of producing things which use HFCS... So we're talking sweets, chocolate bars, sugar drinks. People eat more of that crap.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:55 | 3728844 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

The irony being that the visible cost is reduced (e.g. the price at the register), but due to the subsidy, the unseen cost is still there...in the form of higher/misallocated taxes and a weaker dollar...and we haven't even touched on medical costs both present and future.

Speaking of subsidies:  http://farm.ewg.org/region.php

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:55 | 3728674 One And Only
One And Only's picture

Without subsidies we would have a better society.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 20:28 | 3729293 ATM
ATM's picture

We would also be much richer, much healthier, much freer and much happier.

Fuck Central Planning in all it's forms. Subsidies are nothing more than theft, perhaps cloaked in good intentions but most likely not.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:56 | 3728676 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

How about subsidizing the Ministry of "No Time to Lose"...

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 18:18 | 3729044 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

It is good to see you, my friend.

SEMPER FIDELIS!

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 15:58 | 3728681 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

Looks like the gov needs to subsidize the movie industry now.  Don't worry, consumers will spend.  They are just waiting until all of this weather stops.  Too much damned weather...

Box Office Report: 'Lone Ranger' Marks Third Big-Budget Bomb of Summer

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/box-office-report-lone-ranger-581303

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:23 | 3728749 financial apoca...
financial apocalyptic contagion's picture

yo tempo correlation not = causation

this was a shitty ass movie brah

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:39 | 3728804 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

The point of the article is that it's the 3rd (by my count 4th) box office bust.  I don't care if it was "shitty"; that is redundant.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:48 | 3728973 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

So Jerry Bruckheimer [of Zeta Beta Tau], is losing his touch... Don't worry ~ 'subsidies' are surely forthcoming...

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 22:16 | 3729560 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

Cheesepope Hollywood only does "shitty ass" movies which promote "shitty ass" cheesepope-approved messages and themes.

For fuck's sake people are shelling out over $10 to see them. Even Goebbels would be blushing at the gall of the cheesepopes to CHARGE people to view propaganda films and sue them for unauthorized distribution.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:01 | 3728687 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

Are some subsidies valid?  Let's see...

 

Things people do not see as valuable will not be economically sponsored.

Government uses tax dollars collected from the people and then turns it over to select entities which the people have already economically voted to not support.

For subsidies to be "valid", we'd have to assume the gub'mint knows best what to support - and that is, of course, completely a laughable idea.

 

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:10 | 3728711 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

How is a poor artist to survive after he gets a college education in creating things that no one wants?  How will he survive when no one will buy his paintings of trees and clouds when he sits in the park all day every day?  We should all just shut up and work harder so he can live his "dream".....

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:15 | 3728726 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

Reminds me of a joke:

A prostitute waks up to a man and says, "I'll do anything you want for $50, but it can only be 3 words long."

The gentleman thinks for a moment and then hands her $50 and states, "Paint my house."

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 20:27 | 3729292 mofreedom
mofreedom's picture

i know we've all seen the anti christian art...but how about poop on buuny...no picture sorry, use your leftist imagination.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:03 | 3728690 B2u
B2u's picture

We need 6 year term limits for Congress.  The subsidy would be job training for Congress to obtain jobs in the private sector.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:10 | 3728705 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Maybe Congressional pensions should be paid in gold bullion [starting with one ounce for each year of service]... See if that changes things in any way...

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:11 | 3728715 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

I'd rather see them all choke on their worthless paper someday, then give them any gold.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:10 | 3728712 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Nice points but too late, we are much too far down the rabbit hole.

The corn lobby has ensured that corn is grown to increase it's cost as a food for humans and livestock so it can be put in gas tanks to gunk up engines and increase car sales.

The FED has subsidized banks at the expense of taxpayers and punished savers.

If the government has demonstrated that it will punish citizens by making sustenance and saving harder, indeed living itself, what besides decapitation of the power structure will change it?

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 22:21 | 3729612 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

"what besides decapitation of the power structure will change it?"

Given the absurd level of pro-state and anti-capitalist sentiment and mentality and culture out there, that would probably just lead to a communist coup.

It would take at least one whole generation being raised totally off the government's tit to make such a thing as a return to smaller government plausible. The people have to want it, unlike bigger government, which they can always be convinced to want via offers of handouts and favors.

Mon, 07/08/2013 - 03:26 | 3730082 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Either currency collapse, or government collapse, would serve the same purpose (as decapitation of the power structure).  And we're headed there.  Which one?  Ask Schrodinger's Cat.

Mon, 07/08/2013 - 02:42 | 3730061 dunce
dunce's picture

Fracking has had the perverse effect of helping the ethanol program by holding down the cost of nitrogen fertilizer. It would be more efficient to burn the natural gas in autos but that would bypass  those with vested interests in corn based ethanol production.

Mon, 07/08/2013 - 06:41 | 3730182 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

There's a Koch brother for that.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:11 | 3728713 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Is government assistance definitely better for society?

Not the way it is currently done but social efficiency may be enhanced by open source software solutions along with the elimination of government in its current form.

Mon, 07/08/2013 - 06:57 | 3730192 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

You may choose what we have ( Coke) or you may choose Soros' open society of new economic thinking (Pepsi). The choice is free, but unfortunately being free is not one of the choices. You can choose not to choose, then Cass Sunstein chooses organ donation on your behalf. It's an open society... like an open house or open kidney. Trust the nudge of the algorithm.

www.tradewithdave.com

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:14 | 3728718 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

An end to subsidies wouLd kill off the military overspending, the TBTF banks and the pharmaceutical companies. If there ever was a way to fix the USA then this it IMHO.

Mon, 07/08/2013 - 03:27 | 3730083 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

When most people think of subsidies, they think of social security, food stamps, etc.  They have no idea of the scope of corporate welfare.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:15 | 3728725 agent default
agent default's picture

Government is not about giving people what they want.  If they want something thay can pay for it themselves. 

Government is about giving people what they don't want but, they ought to have.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:21 | 3728740 financial apoca...
financial apocalyptic contagion's picture

this "professor" is obviously unemployed and himself on half a dozen subsidies
and he walks like a faggot 

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:14 | 3728899 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

He walks like a bundle of sticks?  Where's your fucking video, tough guy?

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:23 | 3728748 diogeneslaertius
diogeneslaertius's picture

gales, gales of derisive laughter Bruce.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:25 | 3728759 sgorem
sgorem's picture

I was under the impression that GOVERNMENT was, is, and will always be a subsidy. IT IS NOT the governments money to give away, loan out, or to subsidize fucking anything! It's the taxpayers money, our money.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 16:37 | 3728796 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

You, sir, are spot on!!!!  +1000

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 22:29 | 3729628 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

"IT IS NOT the governments money to give away ..."

Mental exercise for democratards: why do so-called democratic (and populist) governments try so hard to promote the (absurd, offensive, insane) message that government is or can be "for the people, of the people, by people"?

Hmm......

Mon, 07/08/2013 - 08:36 | 3730327 MagicMoney
MagicMoney's picture

Well they stoled your money. That's why they do what they want to do with it. Similar to a thief who steals your corvette, and decides to sell it.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:03 | 3728865 ISEEIT
ISEEIT's picture

Sublime.

Not sure if as an American finding British humor becoming American humor is actually good or bad? The Brits are certainly ahead of us though.

Orwell was British.

So when does 'america' join the E.U?

Just askin'

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:23 | 3728918 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

We unofficially are already part of the E.U., as the FED is propping Euro Banks with currency swaps and taxpayer money sent to the IMF to benefit the Brussels Banksters (the cabal that is behind the Euro debt serfdom scheme).

The U.S. is different from the E.U. in name only; debt serfdom for all!

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 22:32 | 3729644 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

The money quote:
"It turns out I underestimated Metro bureaucrats’ capacity for folly."

Statists make me physically ill.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 17:57 | 3728996 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Sunday humor, the original "Ministry of Silly Walks" sketch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8

 

 

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 18:34 | 3729079 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

I was reminded of Benny Hill! GOOD ONE!

And now, for those of you who don't like 'Sport',...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL2EAq1dcdM

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 18:47 | 3729110 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

war on poverty, war on drugs, war on .... et al

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 20:56 | 3729363 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

We should have a war on debt.  Then it's guaranteed to never go away.

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 19:10 | 3729157 Monedas
Monedas's picture

There are two kinds of torture:  1. Just plain mean torture where you want to inflict pain !  2. Torture .... with the specific objective of getting information !  #1 has no remedy .... but #2 could be a lot more effective by using safe and sane and humane waterboarding .... if that had been discovered 1,000 years ago .... think of all the suffering from real torture .... that might have been avoided .... that's the real crime .... waterboarding is a blessing !      Monedas     1929      Comedy Jihad World Tour    

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 19:26 | 3729185 MichiganMilitiaMan
MichiganMilitiaMan's picture

More silly walking:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcz-Oho0tlU

/sarc off

Sun, 07/07/2013 - 22:57 | 3729710 ThirdCoastSurfer
ThirdCoastSurfer's picture

This is actually a rather serious topic that should be explored in more depth. 

I saw a show recently that stated that a collection of something like 11,000 arrowheads were part of some univeritie's collection and another expidition was in the planning to collect more. The team was mostly Phd's and the facilility to store the artifacts was enormous. 

With college tuition and student debt at all time highs while teachers complain endlessly about workload and pay, why is there no discusion as to whether there should be some limit on the cost benefit of artifacts & other "studies" that are nice in times of plently, but that maybe should be curtailed in times of want?

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