Even The Experts Throw Up All Over The Fed Minutes

Tyler Durden's picture

The Fed may have finally taken speaking out of all sides of its mouth a step too far. Enter GMP's Adrian Miller with the best roundup of the sheer indecipherable gibberish just excreted by the Fed:

  • "We are not sure how you can go from ‘many’ needing to see labor gains before tapering begins to half seeing bond buying ending by year end. At the same time, ‘many’ other Fed officials saw bond buying into 2014”
  • "We are pretty good at math, but we are having trouble adding up the ‘many,’ ‘several’ and ‘about half’ to equal 100%
  • FOMC members appear to have ‘‘decided to cover every possible scenario," and "left us with no clear picture as to what the group is thinking”

Great absurdist summary of a centrally-planned world that has been taken out straight from the pages of the Onion, but honestly, at this point who even cares anymore.

And if you thought the market's reaction was schizophrenic, remember that in 70 minutes Bernanke is speaking, again and about to usher in even more BS bafflements.

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101 years and counting's picture

what else would you expect from a bunch of douchebags that really have no clue what the fuck they're doing???

McMolotov's picture

It's pretty much a prerequisite for bankers and politicians to be cunty double-talkers whose only interests are getting rich, screwing over as many people as possible, and covering their own asses when they're in over their heads.

McMolotov's picture

SCULLY: "Mulder, not everything is a labyrinth of dark conspiracy, and not everybody is plotting to deceive, inveigle and obfuscate."

ME: "Bull-fucking-shit, you red-haired temptress."

Spider's picture

This reminds me of the Greenspan days...

ACP's picture

Apparently this guy read the minutes (starts about 0:50):



francis_sawyer's picture

I nominate Yogi Berra for FED CHAIR!...

franzpick's picture

When Bernocchio's lips start moving, you can watch the live stress-analyzer-lie-detecter here:


lakecity55's picture

"My fellow Americans, with The Fed now in charge, there will be only 1 place you need to look for work- Government. And, as pResident, I have made it even easier. The Fed will tell you where to report for work!

Welcome to Change. Oh, and give up Hope."

TruthInSunshine's picture

It should be a clue that there's a big disturbance in the FARCE when the BIS (which is the front company for the Bank of banks) openly criticizes so many actions of so many central banks, including the Fed.

They're all in bed together, after all.

Orchestrated, premeditated movements in global financial (by fiat) dynamics, bitchez.

Just a thought, but favorable effects stemming from fiatnomic policy can't be distributed evenly to all members of the cartel.

Winners & losers have been predetermined.

DeadFred's picture

Bad news is usually announced after hours. I wonder if the 4:10 timing for ben's speach was set by the organizers or did he pick it. Hmm, I think there will be some bombs dropped.

Herd Redirection Committee's picture

"all members of the cartel"

The current predicament is a choice between either torching the currency to get out of the debt, or torching the government to reduce the debt.

So, yeah.  Some cartel members will be more affected than others.  Like, if you oversee the reserve currency that blows up, for e.g.

Or if you were the crony who sees his cut of the pie taken from him by budget cuts.  Guess what, its not the gov't they are going to torch.

derek_vineyard's picture

i did laugh when i read some members wanted cold turkey

AKrandy's picture

I would include lawyers, ship captains, too many generals/admirals and most airline pilots.

Jam Akin's picture

The real worry is that they do know what they are doing!

Rainman's picture

" If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties . "

                                                             Francis Bacon

max2205's picture

The Fed is a tired relic fosturing corruption , fraud and illegal pursuits....really

StychoKiller's picture

Whew!  Thanks for clearing up my confusion, now I'm just totally befuddled!

Nothing but the truth.'s picture

  Problem is, the Fed have painted ( or printed if you like ) themselves into a corner.

ejmoosa's picture

You really would not want to eat a cake these morons baked....

Stuart's picture

If everyone is so stupid to pay attention, it's their own damn fault.   Like CNBC, everyone could just change the channel to something that makes more sense.

Martial's picture

Experts should certainly have quotation marks.

Schmuck Raker's picture

If I have made myself clear then you have misunderstood me”.
        - Greenspan

lotusblue's picture

Signifigant change though-- Half FED want cold turkey end of QE,...

half for taper.Previously only taper.

The market Yawns.

As we know-"This will end badly ! "

franzpick's picture

Bernocchio:  "If there's anyone here today whose intelligence I have failed to insult, I apologize".

McMolotov's picture

"Greenspan speak with forked tongue out his ass." —old Native American proverb

NoDebt's picture

Great quote.  Don't know how I missed that one or I would have posted it up LONG ago.

russwinter's picture

"If you fake the funk, your nose will grow." -Bootsy Collins, the Pinnochio Theory

francis_sawyer's picture


THX 1178's picture

Never learned how to swim... -Parliament

Learn to swim... -Tool (citing Bill Hicks)

slaughterer's picture

Bernanke BS

Bernanke BS

Bernanke BS


+ 30 ES

gjp's picture

Looks about right.

Market doesn't care about Fed vagaries.  It made up its mind a long time ago, it'll be print to the cows come home no matter what verbal diarrhea they emit.

Now back to your usual programming as stocks climb, yields come back down, and gold gets shat on.

Downtoolong's picture

Maybe what the experts are really afraid of is that they might have to go back to reading and relying on something other than Fed Minutes for market direction and investing ideas.

I mean shit, that's real work.

quasimodo's picture

I wish they would either shit, or get off the fucking pot already.

dick cheneys ghost's picture

''You bet. You know in my line of work, you gotta be able either to sing "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" or "Dixie" with equal enthusiasm... dependin' upon present company.''

fonzannoon's picture

He is going to clear this all up at Jackson Hole. I'm sure of it.

JPM Hater001's picture

If by that you mean not being there because he expects fire by then um...ok

NoDebt's picture

So, um..... Fire in the Hole?

I knew I would have the chance to use my word-of-the-day: Conflate.  To combine two or more texts or ideas into one.

sbenard's picture

You mean the Fed is NOT god?

kito's picture

the fact that the entire world stops........puts down their prayer mats at precisely the time he releases information........tells me he is............

involuntarilybirthed's picture

Ben Bernanke approved this message.

sbenard's picture

I'm sure Bubbles Bernanke will kiss it all better!

joak's picture

A Fed statement is like contemporary art. Everybody can see what he wants in it. They will tell us how brilliant and innovative it is. But at the end, it's just BS.

evg23801's picture

What time Bernanke speeks today?

Non Passaran's picture

That should be good for an up move in excess of 0.01%

Dr. Engali's picture

Here is the picture...the market was getting a little frothy so the Bernank had to say something. Then he had an oh shit moment when the five and ten year blew up. Now they have to find a way to back peddle and still look like they have a little credibility. The bottom line is nothing will change....QE4evar. 

NoDebt's picture

I'm still with you on that, Doc.  I said from the first utterance of the word "taper" they're going to keep printing but jawbone the other way to keep "speculators" in check.  I think even the Bernank was surprised that the jawboning proved more persuasive than the actual policy.