Even The Experts Throw Up All Over The Fed Minutes

Tyler Durden's picture


The Fed may have finally taken speaking out of all sides of its mouth a step too far. Enter GMP's Adrian Miller with the best roundup of the sheer indecipherable gibberish just excreted by the Fed:

  • "We are not sure how you can go from ‘many’ needing to see labor gains before tapering begins to half seeing bond buying ending by year end. At the same time, ‘many’ other Fed officials saw bond buying into 2014”
  • "We are pretty good at math, but we are having trouble adding up the ‘many,’ ‘several’ and ‘about half’ to equal 100%
  • FOMC members appear to have ‘‘decided to cover every possible scenario," and "left us with no clear picture as to what the group is thinking”

Great absurdist summary of a centrally-planned world that has been taken out straight from the pages of the Onion, but honestly, at this point who even cares anymore.

And if you thought the market's reaction was schizophrenic, remember that in 70 minutes Bernanke is speaking, again and about to usher in even more BS bafflements.

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Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:06 | 3738527 101 years and c...
101 years and counting's picture

what else would you expect from a bunch of douchebags that really have no clue what the fuck they're doing???

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:09 | 3738544 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

It's pretty much a prerequisite for bankers and politicians to be cunty double-talkers whose only interests are getting rich, screwing over as many people as possible, and covering their own asses when they're in over their heads.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:10 | 3738552 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Obfuscation, FTMFW!

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:14 | 3738575 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

SCULLY: "Mulder, not everything is a labyrinth of dark conspiracy, and not everybody is plotting to deceive, inveigle and obfuscate."

ME: "Bull-fucking-shit, you red-haired temptress."

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:17 | 3738585 Spider
Spider's picture

This reminds me of the Greenspan days...

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:20 | 3738602 ACP
ACP's picture

Apparently this guy read the minutes (starts about 0:50):



Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:22 | 3738606 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

I nominate Yogi Berra for FED CHAIR!...

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:28 | 3738631 Ruffcut
Wed, 07/10/2013 - 16:03 | 3738787 franzpick
franzpick's picture

When Bernocchio's lips start moving, you can watch the live stress-analyzer-lie-detecter here:


Wed, 07/10/2013 - 16:37 | 3738912 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

"My fellow Americans, with The Fed now in charge, there will be only 1 place you need to look for work- Government. And, as pResident, I have made it even easier. The Fed will tell you where to report for work!

Welcome to Change. Oh, and give up Hope."

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:28 | 3738633 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

It should be a clue that there's a big disturbance in the FARCE when the BIS (which is the front company for the Bank of banks) openly criticizes so many actions of so many central banks, including the Fed.

They're all in bed together, after all.

Orchestrated, premeditated movements in global financial (by fiat) dynamics, bitchez.

Just a thought, but favorable effects stemming from fiatnomic policy can't be distributed evenly to all members of the cartel.

Winners & losers have been predetermined.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:37 | 3738675 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

Bad news is usually announced after hours. I wonder if the 4:10 timing for ben's speach was set by the organizers or did he pick it. Hmm, I think there will be some bombs dropped.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 16:10 | 3738811 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

"all members of the cartel"

The current predicament is a choice between either torching the currency to get out of the debt, or torching the government to reduce the debt.

So, yeah.  Some cartel members will be more affected than others.  Like, if you oversee the reserve currency that blows up, for e.g.

Or if you were the crony who sees his cut of the pie taken from him by budget cuts.  Guess what, its not the gov't they are going to torch.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:29 | 3738636 derek_vineyard
derek_vineyard's picture

i did laugh when i read some members wanted cold turkey

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 17:56 | 3739182 AKrandy
AKrandy's picture

I would include lawyers, ship captains, too many generals/admirals and most airline pilots.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:09 | 3738545 Jam Akin
Jam Akin's picture

The real worry is that they do know what they are doing!

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:32 | 3738652 Rainman
Rainman's picture

" If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties . "

                                                             Francis Bacon

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 16:30 | 3738889 max2205
max2205's picture

The Fed is a tired relic fosturing corruption , fraud and illegal pursuits....really

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 00:25 | 3740437 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Whew!  Thanks for clearing up my confusion, now I'm just totally befuddled!

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:15 | 3738577 Nothing but the...
Nothing but the truth.'s picture

  Problem is, the Fed have painted ( or printed if you like ) themselves into a corner.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:20 | 3738600 ejmoosa
ejmoosa's picture

You really would not want to eat a cake these morons baked....

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:21 | 3738603 Stuart
Stuart's picture

If everyone is so stupid to pay attention, it's their own damn fault.   Like CNBC, everyone could just change the channel to something that makes more sense.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 17:17 | 3739056 Martial
Martial's picture

Experts should certainly have quotation marks.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:07 | 3738533 Schmuck Raker
Schmuck Raker's picture

If I have made myself clear then you have misunderstood me”.
        - Greenspan

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:14 | 3738571 lotusblue
lotusblue's picture

Signifigant change though-- Half FED want cold turkey end of QE,...

half for taper.Previously only taper.

The market Yawns.

As we know-"This will end badly ! "

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:34 | 3738657 franzpick
franzpick's picture

Bernocchio:  "If there's anyone here today whose intelligence I have failed to insult, I apologize".

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:23 | 3738608 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

"Greenspan speak with forked tongue out his ass." —old Native American proverb

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:36 | 3738672 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Great quote.  Don't know how I missed that one or I would have posted it up LONG ago.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:07 | 3738535 russwinter
russwinter's picture

"If you fake the funk, your nose will grow." -Bootsy Collins, the Pinnochio Theory

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:23 | 3738611 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture


Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:43 | 3738702 THX 1178
THX 1178's picture

Never learned how to swim... -Parliament

Learn to swim... -Tool (citing Bill Hicks)

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:07 | 3738536 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Bernanke BS

Bernanke BS

Bernanke BS


+ 30 ES

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:30 | 3738642 gjp
gjp's picture

Looks about right.

Market doesn't care about Fed vagaries.  It made up its mind a long time ago, it'll be print to the cows come home no matter what verbal diarrhea they emit.

Now back to your usual programming as stocks climb, yields come back down, and gold gets shat on.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:08 | 3738538 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Maybe what the experts are really afraid of is that they might have to go back to reading and relying on something other than Fed Minutes for market direction and investing ideas.

I mean shit, that's real work.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:08 | 3738540 quasimodo
quasimodo's picture

I wish they would either shit, or get off the fucking pot already.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:53 | 3738754 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

''You bet. You know in my line of work, you gotta be able either to sing "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" or "Dixie" with equal enthusiasm... dependin' upon present company.''

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:08 | 3738541 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

He is going to clear this all up at Jackson Hole. I'm sure of it.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:20 | 3738599 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

If by that you mean not being there because he expects fire by then um...ok

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:26 | 3738626 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

So, um..... Fire in the Hole?

I knew I would have the chance to use my word-of-the-day: Conflate.  To combine two or more texts or ideas into one.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:09 | 3738547 sbenard
sbenard's picture

You mean the Fed is NOT god?

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:20 | 3738601 kito
kito's picture

the fact that the entire world stops........puts down their prayer mats at precisely the time he releases information........tells me he is............

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:43 | 3738703 Rubicon
Rubicon's picture

Entire world?

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:10 | 3738550 involuntarilybirthed
involuntarilybirthed's picture

Ben Bernanke approved this message.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:11 | 3738557 sbenard
sbenard's picture

I'm sure Bubbles Bernanke will kiss it all better!

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:12 | 3738562 joak
joak's picture

A Fed statement is like contemporary art. Everybody can see what he wants in it. They will tell us how brilliant and innovative it is. But at the end, it's just BS.

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:12 | 3738564 evg23801
evg23801's picture

What time Bernanke speeks today?

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:26 | 3738627 MyBrothersKeeper
MyBrothersKeeper's picture

4:10 pm

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:48 | 3738726 Non Passaran
Non Passaran's picture

That should be good for an up move in excess of 0.01%

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:14 | 3738565 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Here is the picture...the market was getting a little frothy so the Bernank had to say something. Then he had an oh shit moment when the five and ten year blew up. Now they have to find a way to back peddle and still look like they have a little credibility. The bottom line is nothing will change....QE4evar. 

Wed, 07/10/2013 - 15:30 | 3738639 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I'm still with you on that, Doc.  I said from the first utterance of the word "taper" they're going to keep printing but jawbone the other way to keep "speculators" in check.  I think even the Bernank was surprised that the jawboning proved more persuasive than the actual policy.


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