Friday Humor: The Most Blatant Closing Ramp Ever

Tyler Durden's picture


What was the centrally-planned market's mission for today? Simple: as we tweeted 10 minutes before the close, it was to get the Dow Jones green to preserve mom and pop's confidence in manipulated markets.

Sure enough, the DJIA closed just barely in the green following the now traditional last half hour ramp, with literally the last push of the day sending it over the edge by a measly 3 points.

How did this happen? The chart below, courtesy of Kevin Henry's New York Fed equities trading desk (with Citadel execution) is all one needs for today's version of Friday humor.  

Ramp the futures for a green cash close in the Dow Jones... then pull the rug on the futures.


And zoomed out.


If you aren't laughing, then the sucker at the table is you.

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Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:52 | 3746582 mjorden
mjorden's picture

... THIS ... IS ... SPARTA!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:57 | 3746588 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Everybody's working for the weekend....

Green shoots!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:58 | 3746598 francis_sawyer
Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:03 | 3746616 He_Who Carried ...
He_Who Carried The Sun's picture

Fantastic news:

Dow drops 4 points...

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:07 | 3746627 eclectic syncretist
Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:13 | 3746636 FEDbuster
Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:19 | 3746654 Stuart
Stuart's picture

There are no cops, what do you expect... or the cops are bought off. 

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 18:12 | 3746764 tsx500
tsx500's picture


Fri, 07/12/2013 - 18:25 | 3746781 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Speaking of bought off:

Ding dong the Bitch is Dead...(until they find a replacement). I wish UC the very best because I think her inspiration to take that job was the potential to do this:

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 18:35 | 3746811 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



You want Friday Humor?

Channel 2 in SFO gets pwned on the Asiana crash:

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 20:30 | 3747060 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Captain Som Ting Wong

Wi Tu Lo

Ho Lee Fuk

Bing Dang Ow

They actually reported it as the FLIGHT CREW! Those script-reading parrots will say ANYTHING put in front of them! The production crew must have had a hard time keeping straight faces...

Shoot, I gotta send this link out! Still laughing!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 20:43 | 3747091 Trampy
Trampy's picture

Captain Som Ting Wong

Wi Tu Lo

Ho Lee Fuk

Bing Dang Ow



Fri, 07/12/2013 - 22:25 | 3747359 Yes We Can. But...
Yes We Can. But Lets Not.'s picture

OMG, the look on the newsreader's face after she'd read off those names............. .............

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:43 | 3746701 augustusgloop
Fri, 07/12/2013 - 21:54 | 3747268 fockewulf190
fockewulf190's picture

And the fucking talking heads on CNBS wonder why retail "muppets" are not investing in stocks.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 21:25 | 3747189 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Suck the daytraders in, get all their buys, and pull the rug out and take off before anyone catches on. Classic.


I knew a stripper named 'Bubbles', once. She took off her clothes, and my cash was gone. I awoke the next day with a hangover and an empty wallet, and Bubbles had a new outfit the very next night. I decided to give her a little extra that night so that I could watch her take this outfit off again...

I stopped doing this when I realized that Bubbles had the body of the Bernank, the personality of a Geithner, and the intentions of an Obama. A DAMNED UGLY bitch, when she finally took off her G-string and pasties...

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 06:58 | 3747838 ross81
ross81's picture

that pic deserves a green thumb however bad your comment may be

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:14 | 3746637 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

Must be getting old and out of touch. I was expecting Fabian.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:20 | 3746659 Chupacabra-322
Chupacabra-322's picture

Off topic, my appologies for spaming.  Lets light these District of Criminals phone lines up and stop contributing to your own debt bondage and enslavement to the Criminal TBTFBanksters.

Credit unions promote the economic well-being of their members, especially those of modest means, through a system that is member-owned, volunteer-directed and not-for-profit.  As a credit union member, I know firsthand that my credit union offers financial products that provide better returns on savings, reduced rates on loans and lower or no fees on services.

Unfortunately, the big banks and some in Congress want to raise taxes and impose new fees on millions of credit union members, who together represent 40% of all Americans. And, they want to do this despite the fact that credit unions are not-for-profit.

Please don’t raise taxes on 96 million credit union members. Don’t tax my credit union!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:54 | 3746730 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Please, dear sir. I do beg of you to stop harming me.

Begging for a release from evil is pathetic. All it does is to further empower them.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 21:41 | 3747232 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Ah, yes!

Greed and Avarice rate right up there on the highest of the low lists!

PLEASE, don't lay me off! After all, I have a mortgage, and payments to make...and I DESERVE $78.00 an hour for screwing nuts on to bolts all day...

A definite 'DETROIT' moment! How's THAT shit working out in the 'financial sectors'?


Well, Hoffa is DEAD.

'Gee, I hate to spam you, but...' Bunch of JIVE-TALKING SOB'S!

Now, THIS link really dates me!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:22 | 3746664 max2205
max2205's picture

This shit is getting worse

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:26 | 3746670 SamAdams
SamAdams's picture

or is it the FED's "Fantasy Life"...  a few posts removed, this is in reply to 80's reference...

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 19:37 | 3746938 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Dupe. Fat finger. Sorry.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 19:36 | 3746942 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Aldo Nova? Really?
I am ashamed to say I caught that reference.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:25 | 3746673 HelluvaEngineer
HelluvaEngineer's picture

Nah, here's the theme song for what's going on these days:

Meet the Feebles - Sodomy

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 18:33 | 3746803 NeedleDickTheBu...
NeedleDickTheBugFucker's picture

We owe Mike Reno a lot for introducing the headband to fashion.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:53 | 3746583 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

The new normal.

<Hit it and then quit it.>

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:58 | 3746597 Bear
Bear's picture

"There is nothing new under the sun" ... and there is certainly no normal

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:15 | 3746646 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Some punks like to "hit it & quit it"... But I'd rather stay & play... Cause I'm long, & I'm strong, & I'm down 2 get the friction on...


Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:19 | 3746656 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Madness....what the gods will destroy they first make MAD

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:12 | 3746635 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

This reminds me of the country road my friends and I used to drive on like morons as teenagers. We'd go along at a normal speed till we came to the first curve, then we'd floor it for about ten or fifteen seconds, then we'd have to slow the fuck down before the road curved again or we'd accidentally run right into a telephone pole.

We eventually learned to stop doing that. Will the central planners? They think they can move the goddamn pole.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:35 | 3746685 Tinky
Tinky's picture

No, it's worse. They somehow imagine that the pole will move for them.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:16 | 3746649 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

how are the honey bees?

Oh, and the insects. You know I've pushed the documentary "A Farm for the Future" Have u seen it?

Ps - I'm jealous

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:53 | 3746584 docmac324
docmac324's picture

It makes that weekend drive to the Hampton's that much sweeter, for someone.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:54 | 3746585 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Yeah well this shows 'MTM or mark to market' is now known as 'mark to manipulation'

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:55 | 3746587 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

It matters not who controls the laws in this land, rather the perception of a orchestrated green close, bitchez!!!" - The Bearded Bernanke

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:56 | 3746591 Herman_the_German
Herman_the_German's picture

"If you aren't laughing, then the sucker at the table is you."

This is one of your best, Tyler.

And - to be honest - it is true to all of us, to all the damned fucking sheeple.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:00 | 3746593 Bay of Pigs
Bay of Pigs's picture

One day we'll hear this coming from Wall St., and then BOOM! it's all over...

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 18:34 | 3746807 Abi Normal
Abi Normal's picture

Downwind nautical 7 miles turned to zero in 1, obviously a major malfunction Houston!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 21:14 | 3747167 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Watched the video.

Of course, you are correct.

In a long enough timeline,.....ZERO. the motto of this website, and, unfortunately, too true.

Brother, mine, worked for Thiokol back then. Morton dropped them quick. they liked to call it 'The Incident'.

NASA launched against recommendations (too cold), but bureaucrats (private ones) assured NASA that 'safety factors' were 'within tolerance', so they went ahead anyway. ALL ARE IMPATIENT BASTARDS who will ultimately pay the price...CHEESEPOPES come from all backgrounds, and are not necessarily of the 'religious persuasion' that you assume.

Well, this was a downer to my 'Friday Night Humor' read.

Can I go back to the Big Butts video now?

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:58 | 3746596 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

Holy Cow, Batman! It's Communism!

Close, Robin. It's Central Planning, used by Dictasters everywhere.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:19 | 3746655 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

Riddle me this Batman. What starts on Que and ends like its sneezing? 

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 18:00 | 3746743 12ToothAssassin
12ToothAssassin's picture

+1 for "Dictasters"

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 04:14 | 3747757 All Risk No Reward
All Risk No Reward's picture

Did you see what these criminals did to this guy - stopped for ridiing his bike while not sitting on his seat (I couldn't make that up, I'm not that creative):

I guess these guys wanted to show they were down for a promotion all the way to the top!

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 15:01 | 3748742 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Just more proof that the US government, as all levels--local to national--is at war against the American people. The gun and badge thugs (GBTs), cops, are just their first soldiers in this civil war.

Time for us to start shooting back.

Happened in Seattle area in 2009. Some hoods were upset about some raid and killing by the GBTs and so went around gunning various GBTs down where they found them.

One thing the blacks have on us, they have started fighting and shooting back.

Needs to and will happen more often where ever anyone still values their Life, Liberty and Property.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:58 | 3746599 Lady Heather...UNCLE
Lady Heather...UNCLE's picture

I am not sure who the greater fool is here...Wall St for believing what is not true, or yours truly for refusing to believe the evidenced 5 year truth that shares only go up...until they don't I guess.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 16:59 | 3746602 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

You have two minutes to say Stick Save Bartiromo. TWO MINUTES!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:02 | 3746609 disabledvet
Fri, 07/12/2013 - 17:00 | 3746603 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

    One of my platforms (nontrading) closed out with the dow down 19. I had to reload the page to get the actual +3.38 close. ROTFLMFAO!

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!