10 Alternative Headlines For An Exuberant Equity Week

Tyler Durden's picture

Sometimes it is what is not discussed among the mainstream media that is most critical to understanding the new normal...

  1. Government's ownership of Consumer Credit rises to all-time high - so does Dow Industrials
  2. Unemployment in Peripheral Europe rises above Depression-Era's 27% - Stocks Rise
  3. FOMC Minutes cause uncertainty and market turmoil, Bernanke promptly takes a shit on them
  4. CNBC's Kudlow Report rumored to be cancelled after LaVorgna appearance
  5. Net Earnings Revisions negative over 90% of time in last two years - Market Rallies 25%
  6. Jobless Claims Rise to 360,000; prior week revised upward; LaVorgna off by only 2 sigma
  7. University of Michigan Consumer Confidence Falls (miss first time in 2013) - Stocks Rally
  8. US Job Growth over last ten years essentially zero Ex-Healthcare, Brooking says
  9. Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano resigns, crowd goes wild


(h/t @Not_Jim_Cramer)

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old naughty's picture

Stocks rise on #1, #2, #5, and #7.

So what's the worry?

BoNeSxxx's picture

These are compelling reasons to sell my PMs and go all in on stawks.

I have seen the light!


All Risk No Reward's picture

This commodity minus oil take down wasn't something I foresaw.

Perhaps it is that the big money managers have to stay invested, just not in gold and commodities ex oil.

Who knows.

But I do know that the market likes to be at its highest level before they let all the air out.  A parabolic run that breaks would be the perfect entry point.

Tinky's picture

Apparently, Tyler, you know nothing of the value of Animal Spirits.

(Party on, boys!)

Monedas's picture

Twinkies are a tasty .... buttery .... moist .... sponge cake .... filled with creme .... they were never intended to be a complete nutritional staple .... they are a tasty snack .... thank you Walmart .... for serving the people !

plane jain's picture

Follow your bliss.  Real food rots though.

Monedas's picture

Twinkies last 30 days in their package .... if they are opened they rot just like real food .... because they are real food .... not as wholesome as "beak and feather" Baloot .... but as snacks go .... they're in the mix ?

Monedas's picture

Bernanke .... suck my exuberant root !

machineh's picture

That's what I call an exuberant equity wank!

KickIce's picture

abc company exceeds revenue expectations, please don't research the "extraordnary income/gains" line.

Singelguy's picture

And don't pay any attention to the fact that expectations were significantly lowered just 2 weeks ago. But as long as the numbers beat, who cares! Buy buy buy!

joego1's picture

Stocks are the only place for the banksters to park their money. They certainly are not going to loan it to a broke down American middle class and they wore out the emerging economy bullshit by corrupting the monetary system already. My sidebar ad is "Greyhound- leave the driving to us". I guess I should just get me a hoody and take a ride.

Iam_Silverman's picture

"Stocks are the only place for the banksters to park their money."

Not always - they seem to really like parking it with the FedRes too.  They are guaranteed better returns by being a Primary Dealer, and using Treasuries to build their loss reserves.

joego1's picture

You are right about that part. It's the dry powder they will use to buy up the world after they hit the flush lever next time.

Winston Churchill's picture

What  loss reserve?

All the banks  are all stealing from them to add to the current

bottom line. No prudent reserves.Then again, if you don't lend why bother

to provide forr a loss on bad loans.

Iam_Silverman's picture

"What  loss reserve? All the banks  are all stealing from them"

See, that's the point that everyone is overlooking.  Since they park their "spare" cash at a FedRes location, that is replaced with "free" Treasury notes and the cash is then returned to them to gamble away.  They can even rehypothocate the "reserves" parked at FedRes since they are investment grade Treasuries.

disabledvet's picture

"The President has instigated a riot over a vast swath of the American Republic. I would be a buyer on Monday." It doesn't get anymore bullish folks.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

#11:  Canadian engineering duo claim $250,000 prize for first human-powered helicopter (VIDEO), beat US team -- bullish for US aerospace stocks.


Atlas Human-Powered Helicopter - AHS Sikorsky Prize Flight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syJq10EQkog&feature=player_embedded

Iam_Silverman's picture

No Boeing Dreamliner headlines to parse?

Whatta's picture

here's another headline not talked about in MSM


The middle east is becoming less relevant to the US for oil. So...is it just a Holy War now?

Mentaliusanything's picture

Well that area has lots of camels, the story is for unicorn rides

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

#12: Israeli submarine responsible for July attack on Syrian arms depot - report.   Bullish for MIC stocks.


Gotta love those US toys (nuke capable, air/sea-launched IDF cruise missiles).  Thanks America! /s

p.s. Clearly Bibi has bigger balls than Putin.  One fights (and says "try and stop me"), the other maneuvers (and says "well, maybe next time").  The Russian pussycats don't even dare release the 'dirt' that Snowden has on the US. 

Goes to show that it's all just one big Monty Python Fest. The NWO is here.

Downtoolong's picture

A few more headlines I can imagine….

Jobs and inflation miraculously and unexpectedly hit Fed targets in one week. Bernanke calls emergency meeting of the FOMC to come up with new bullshit reasons to keep printing and bail out the banks.

Sallie Mae qualifications for student loans now mandate Cell Phone, Internet, Google, Facebook, Yahoo, and MSN accounts.

Wall Street analyst commits suicide after forecasting EURUSD trend correctly three times in a row for the first time ever; and not having bet any money on it.

Leaked documents reveal Jim Cramer has entire personal portfolio invested in 2-year T Bills, gold, and a small manufacturer of hair growth products in Brooklyn.

max2205's picture

Over under on how long the markets will be closed when the shit hits the fan


1 month

6 months

1 year

starman's picture

The capital viagra made by the Bernank. wonder what happens when it wears off?