This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.
Submitted by Tyler Durden on 09/22/2013 20:59 -0400
Submitted by Anonymous
Upcoming Late Night TV Infomercial Script
(A middle-aged man in an military uniform, loaded with medals, four stars on his epaulets, is sitting in a futuristic office setting on a chair occupying a command position. He puts down a folder he is reading and looks up at the camera.)
Do you know me? Well, I know you.
(He wags his finger as if counting)
Each and every one of you.
I know everything there is to know about you. But enough about that. I’m here today to tell you about a special offer, a first time offer never before available to the general public.
(Man assumes a more relaxed mien, stands and walks slowly toward camera)
Hi, I’m General Keith Alexander, coming to you from the flight deck of the starship... .well, it’s just my office, but it’s The Bomb, no? Hey, don’t you repeat that or you might get some unwanted attention. I want to tell you today about something we call simply: The NSA Tapes. This is the greatest and most complete collection of audio and video recordings every assembled anywhere in one place. You cannot buy this in stores, or over the internet. Only here, at the NSA, does the technology exist to capture at this level and at this quality.
The Prism Collection, our basic model, has everything you’d expect in a surreptitious data grab. It has “Phone Sex America: The Connoisseur Series”. It has “Hollywood Sex-ting Kittens”.
(He pauses, looks over the top of his reading glasses, and speaks.)
And let me tell you, if you enjoyed Miley Cyrus twerking, you are going to love what she tells Liam Hemsworth about things he can do to that little booty of hers.
It also has one of my favorites, and I’m sure it will be a favorite of yours, too. Yes, from the Instagram Album we have "Buck Naked Coed Selfies of the Ivy League". If you’re like me, you’ll know where you’d like to cram for that upcoming exam.
(Man adopts more serious tone)
But the NSA Tapes are so much more than that. Why, here right next to me, we have some examples from our Capital City Collection.
(Alexander holds up a DVD for the camera)
Take a look at this ten volume set from Anthony Weiner called, “No, Really, You’re Going to Need a Bigger iPad.”
(He picks up other DVDs, one by one)
And here’s Lindsey Graham’s "The Gladiator Chronicles". How about Hillary Clinton and “The Veal Eaters Cookbook"? Or Mitch McConnell in “That’s My Boy”. And who can forget Senator McCain’s “Johnny B Naught-e, Very Very Very Naughty”.
(Reaches down and picks up a book)
Then we have this gorgeous leather bound edition of Nancy Pelosi that’s…well…bound in leather. Here’s Rahm Emanuel in “City of Big Shoulders, Mayor of Small…”
(Puts down DVD and addresses camera directly)
Well, you’ll just to have to order this one and find out. And then there’s everyone’s favorite, Barack Obama in “If I Had a Husband, He’d Look Just Like Reggie Love”.
But wait! There’s more. Here’s a few of our titles from The Continental Collection:
(Titles roll across the screen)
The Netherlands of Hollande: Le Amuse Bouche Draghi, Druggie, ‘n Draggie Putin Picked a Peck of Picklesniffers Cameron’s Camera’s On President Dilma-do Roussef: DIY Brazilian Merkelgetsshafted WARNING: Not for the faint of heart (Camera returns to Alexander.)
Yes, there’s hours and hours of viewing and listening pleasure here.
But if you think this is only about celebrities, you couldn’t be more wrong. Here at NSA Entertainment we offer, for those who want something closer to home, the Vanity Package. It’s like Shutterfly, where all of your personal favorite photos and videos are put in one professional looking, coffee table-style production. But unlike Shutterfly,
(Alexander slows his cadence and annunciates each word)
... ...you don’t have to send us a thing.
(Quickly changes to upbeat, happy voice, tosses hands in the air, palms up)
We’ve already got them!
(Switches to staccato delivery)
And we’ve already watched them.
Our editorial and editing staff is expert in taking just those things you, or we, would most want to see, or not have seen, and put them in a piece you will hold close for the rest of your life.
These collections are not sold in stores. You could pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars to keep these sorts of things private and away from prying eyes, but still you couldn’t even begin to amass the range and quality of what the NSA captures each and every day. And don’t accept cheap imitations,
(Alexander speaks in a scornful, dismissive tone.)
…..quickly copied on to a thumb drive off some low resolution image or poorly sampled recording by some bogus Russian-based start-up. Our products are digitally remastered from the original recordings, at our new state-of-the-art facility in Utah, insuring you top quality in both sound and image reproduction. These are Blackmail Quality © productions, and they come with a certificate of authenticity signed by me personally.
Now I know this already sounds too good to pass up, but there’s even more. We’ll throw in, at no additional cost, these Golden Oldies from the 1990s, a retail value of more than one hundred thousand dollars, just for ordering now. You’ll get Bill Clinton’s “Cohiba-cide in the non-Oval Orifice”, and from our UK Collection, “The Blair Wench Project”.
And if you order in the next ten minutes, we’ll also throw in, just to say thanks, a one year supply of bathroom tissue, each sheet embossed with the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution of this once great nation.
(Another voice breaks in and speaks rapidly)
Shipping and handling $4.95 per item, $7.95 by black van, and rush orders $11.95 by drone.)
(Alexander speaks again)
Call now. Our operators are already listening.
(Sent by Anonymous)