Friday Humor: "Breaking News"

Tyler Durden's picture

Just when you thought they couldn't stoop any lower...


(via @dorseyshaw)



(h/t AM)

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robilla's picture

Was it a long walk? Perhpas off a short pier?!

insanelysane's picture

He keeps running into those temporary fences with the signs that say this open area closed.

James_Cole's picture

Someone at the Onion is weeping right now that reality has caught up with them. 

pragmatic hobo's picture

I think they are trying to drive onion out of business.

synergize's picture

Holy SH%&*&%!  Now, I know what i'll be watching tonight on CNN - the coverage on the "Firefighter saving the cat from a burning building" can wait until Sunday evening.

knukles's picture

I told Mrs K and she giggled "What losers".
I'm not sure if she means CNBS, Obie or both.  I'm leaning toward the latter.  And frankly right now, don't give a damn.

But Listen Up You Jolly Bunch
Danger Awaits

If everybody keeps making fun of these dickwads and viewership falls to unprofitable levels, the Only Recourse Will Be Support by People Like You, NPR Funding.

knukles's picture

Maybe he's just as fed up with all this shit as we are?

TruthInSunshine's picture


MSNBC's Chris Matthews is reporting that Teleprompter Obama has "broken wind" in the White House Rose Garden, and that "the resulting odor had such a wonderful aroma, that it put the surrounding roses to shame."


Cruel Aid's picture

lol wb7  you see this?

Thanks truth, I needed that

The Big Ching-aso's picture

I feel like I'm in Alice in Wonderland or maybe even Kansas.

Pegasus Muse's picture

Misread it.  Thought it said,


"Obama the grump, lost in thought while taking a dump."

I am more equal than others's picture




Obama goes on a walk because as the leader of the free world his skill set calls him to be a field hand.

mjcOH1's picture

"Obama goes on a walk because as the leader of the free world his skill set calls him to be a field hand."


Was he chewing gum while walking?   Holy shit, that is news!

remain calm's picture

He is going to jack off, because their is no way he fucking that ugly bitch he call his wife.

TeamDepends's picture

Shoo, Reggie Love takes care of walking the Wookie.  He also plays Frisbee with Valerie the Bat-Faced Gorgon.

buyingsterling's picture

I'd like to see results of DNA tests on 'Obama's daughters'. I'd bet an ounce of gold that at least one is not the fruit of his rancid loins. They look like they have different fathers (from different species). You could put them in a lineup with 8 other 'youths' and no one would pick them as being sisters. But I'm sure they are lovely young ladies, and not reflective of the tyrant scum that are 'raising them'. And I'm sure we will be spared decades of news coverage of their activities as they grow and mature into pure political poison. It's enough to make you want to self-immolate on the national mall. Is self-immolation a pre-existing condition? And since the cops didn't plug the guy, have we just seen the best strategy for suicide bombing, light up first?

Oquities's picture

my favorite is when" the news" reports on the latest addition to the McDonald's menu.  solid reporting.

Kirk2NCC1701's picture

If they report him going to the Bathroom, it's time to pull the plug.  Or put one in them.

akak's picture

"President Obama flung his poo at hostile reporters during a press conference today, confirming suspicions about his genetic background."

max2205's picture

I bet someone lights themselves on fire while he on his walk...oh wait

toady's picture

Someone reported that a black man set someone on fire and obama was stopped & searched, but then they realized he was president and let him go.

They told him not to leave town.

Zero Point's picture

Media "personalities" are higher on my list for noose night, even than politicians.

I mostly feel tired disgust when I think about the political class. Media types make me genuinely furious.

Say What Again's picture

Did someone follow him with a little baggie to clean up the mess he left on the neighbor's lawn?

margaris's picture

don't you guys get it?

They "broke" the news, they "broke" the meaning of news.

That's what "breaking news" really means.

Like every sociopath they are very honest and open about it, lol

They are messing with the information they feed to the sheeple.

They "break" our news, and our spirit and body, if we let them.


NotApplicable's picture

I was scanning the radio dial a few minutes ago, and caught NPR discussing this same breaking news.

debtor of last resort's picture

You do the talk, you do the walk boy.

Motorhead's picture

According to Senator Diane "Rich Bitch with Rich Hubby" Feinstein, they are not journalists at the Onion anyway.

BanksterSlayer's picture

Ditto. I've been feeling really sorry for The Onion right now. How do they keep ahead of the incredibility curve when their Onion content makes more sense than whatever is really going on? Everytime we read a headline anywhere, we all have to stop and ask: Wait, is this real, or is it Onion?

Jumbotron's picture

"Wait, is this real, or is it Onion?"

Quantum reality states that it's both.  And it only becomes one or the other when an observer looks at it.

MisterMousePotato's picture

the last one about miley cyrus is profoundly amusing.

ziggy59's picture

Fiction used to be stranger than truth, now?

Canadian Dirtlump's picture

accredited times actually broke the story lmao.

NaN's picture

Hey, it's safer than driving.

GolfHatesMe's picture

Not safer than O driving, he is walking 3 holes to the left to find his ball

astroloungers's picture

critical mass has been reached

ToNYC's picture

Nuclear Serfing achieved in das Kapital coup d'etat.

smlbizman's picture

.....and life was saved as ten thousand cops kill 14 yr old on skateboard as he does reverse 360 molly..with a fakey.. pointing towards capital..

Jumbotron's picture

Tyler....what algo BLEW UP when this headline crossed?


Money Maker's picture

Clearly they all did....sense this is Bullish for the market.

But in all seriousness, I think this is a hidden message for the people in the "know". I bet this was  signal for either ending the shutdown or the shutdown will not end. I just wish I got the memo!

SilverRhino's picture

A walk is breaking news?   Now if he was being chased by a lion or a tyrannosaur .... that might catch my interest.  Till then the little ass napkin can fuck right off.  


Breaking News : Obama actually gets to fucking work 

THAT's the headline I am waiting for.

macholatte's picture


 Till then the little ass napkin can fuck right off. 




Jumbotron's picture

Made me snort !  Can't stop laughing.

Chuck Walla's picture

"Ass Napkin", right into the lexicon.  Well played, Sir! Well played!


Sofa King's picture

The can be found in bulk supply stores, in the catalog next to the toilet seat covers affectionately referred to as Ass Gaskets.