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Friday Humor: "Breaking News"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Just when you thought they couldn't stoop any lower...

 

(via @dorseyshaw)

 

 

(h/t AM)

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Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:02 | 4023392 robilla
robilla's picture

Was it a long walk? Perhpas off a short pier?!

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:04 | 4023407 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

He keeps running into those temporary fences with the signs that say this open area closed.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:09 | 4023428 James_Cole
James_Cole's picture

Someone at the Onion is weeping right now that reality has caught up with them. 

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:11 | 4023448 pragmatic hobo
pragmatic hobo's picture

I think they are trying to drive onion out of business.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:19 | 4023484 synergize
synergize's picture

Holy SH%&*&%!  Now, I know what i'll be watching tonight on CNN - the coverage on the "Firefighter saving the cat from a burning building" can wait until Sunday evening.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:31 | 4023528 knukles
knukles's picture

I told Mrs K and she giggled "What losers".
I'm not sure if she means CNBS, Obie or both.  I'm leaning toward the latter.  And frankly right now, don't give a damn.

But Listen Up You Jolly Bunch
Danger Awaits

If everybody keeps making fun of these dickwads and viewership falls to unprofitable levels, the Only Recourse Will Be Support by People Like You, NPR Funding.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:40 | 4023570 MisterMousePotato
Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:54 | 4023616 knukles
knukles's picture

Maybe he's just as fed up with all this shit as we are?

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:00 | 4023635 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

***LAMESTREAM MEDIA BREAKING NEWS ALERT***

MSNBC's Chris Matthews is reporting that Teleprompter Obama has "broken wind" in the White House Rose Garden, and that "the resulting odor had such a wonderful aroma, that it put the surrounding roses to shame."

***THIS HAS BEEN A LAMESTREAM MEDIA BREAKING NEWS ALERT***

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:16 | 4023670 Cruel Aid
Cruel Aid's picture

lol wb7  you see this?

Thanks truth, I needed that

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:29 | 4023700 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

I feel like I'm in Alice in Wonderland or maybe even Kansas.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:43 | 4023738 Pegasus Muse
Pegasus Muse's picture

Misread it.  Thought it said,

 

"Obama the grump, lost in thought while taking a dump."

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 17:38 | 4023903 I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture

 

 

 

Obama goes on a walk because as the leader of the free world his skill set calls him to be a field hand.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 21:27 | 4024594 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

"Obama goes on a walk because as the leader of the free world his skill set calls him to be a field hand."

 

Was he chewing gum while walking?   Holy shit, that is news!

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:44 | 4023740 remain calm
remain calm's picture

He is going to jack off, because their is no way he fucking that ugly bitch he call his wife.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 18:39 | 4024097 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Shoo, Reggie Love takes care of walking the Wookie.  He also plays Frisbee with Valerie the Bat-Faced Gorgon.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 19:15 | 4024203 buyingsterling
buyingsterling's picture

I'd like to see results of DNA tests on 'Obama's daughters'. I'd bet an ounce of gold that at least one is not the fruit of his rancid loins. They look like they have different fathers (from different species). You could put them in a lineup with 8 other 'youths' and no one would pick them as being sisters. But I'm sure they are lovely young ladies, and not reflective of the tyrant scum that are 'raising them'. And I'm sure we will be spared decades of news coverage of their activities as they grow and mature into pure political poison. It's enough to make you want to self-immolate on the national mall. Is self-immolation a pre-existing condition? And since the cops didn't plug the guy, have we just seen the best strategy for suicide bombing, light up first?

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 17:34 | 4023881 Oquities
Oquities's picture

my favorite is when" the news" reports on the latest addition to the McDonald's menu.  solid reporting.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 20:40 | 4024481 Cleveland Steamer
Cleveland Steamer's picture

Speaking of Chris Matthews and "broken wind"...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45JDRn47MnU

 

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:38 | 4023725 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

If they report him going to the Bathroom, it's time to pull the plug.  Or put one in them.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 19:04 | 4024160 akak
akak's picture

"President Obama flung his poo at hostile reporters during a press conference today, confirming suspicions about his genetic background."

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 19:24 | 4024235 max2205
max2205's picture

I bet someone lights themselves on fire while he on his walk...oh wait

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:32 | 4025531 toady
toady's picture

Someone reported that a black man set someone on fire and obama was stopped & searched, but then they realized he was president and let him go.

They told him not to leave town.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 19:09 | 4024177 Zero Point
Zero Point's picture

Media "personalities" are higher on my list for noose night, even than politicians.

I mostly feel tired disgust when I think about the political class. Media types make me genuinely furious.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:31 | 4023534 Say What Again
Say What Again's picture

Did someone follow him with a little baggie to clean up the mess he left on the neighbor's lawn?

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:20 | 4023489 margaris
margaris's picture

don't you guys get it?

They "broke" the news, they "broke" the meaning of news.

That's what "breaking news" really means.

Like every sociopath they are very honest and open about it, lol

They are messing with the information they feed to the sheeple.

They "break" our news, and our spirit and body, if we let them.

 

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:50 | 4023754 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I was scanning the radio dial a few minutes ago, and caught NPR discussing this same breaking news.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 17:06 | 4023804 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

0:40 seconds in. It'll cheer you right up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5IBXgxBEs8&list=PL555B78A365541612

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:48 | 4023590 debtor of last ...
debtor of last resort's picture

You do the talk, you do the walk boy.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:28 | 4023698 Motorhead
Motorhead's picture

According to Senator Diane "Rich Bitch with Rich Hubby" Feinstein, they are not journalists at the Onion anyway.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:11 | 4023452 BanksterSlayer
BanksterSlayer's picture

Ditto. I've been feeling really sorry for The Onion right now. How do they keep ahead of the incredibility curve when their Onion content makes more sense than whatever is really going on? Everytime we read a headline anywhere, we all have to stop and ask: Wait, is this real, or is it Onion?

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:35 | 4023546 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

"Wait, is this real, or is it Onion?"

Quantum reality states that it's both.  And it only becomes one or the other when an observer looks at it.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:40 | 4023566 James_Cole
Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:53 | 4023617 MisterMousePotato
MisterMousePotato's picture

the last one about miley cyrus is profoundly amusing.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:58 | 4023772 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

Fiction used to be stranger than truth, now?

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:02 | 4023642 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

accredited times actually broke the story lmao.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:34 | 4023542 NaN
NaN's picture

Hey, it's safer than driving.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:38 | 4023568 GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

Not safer than O driving, he is walking 3 holes to the left to find his ball

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:53 | 4023762 astroloungers
astroloungers's picture

critical mass has been reached

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 21:59 | 4024671 ToNYC
ToNYC's picture

Nuclear Serfing achieved in das Kapital coup d'etat.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:15 | 4023410 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

.....and life was saved as ten thousand cops kill 14 yr old on skateboard as he does reverse 360 molly..with a fakey.. pointing towards capital..

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:26 | 4023519 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

Tyler....what algo BLEW UP when this headline crossed?

 

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:01 | 4023634 Money Maker
Money Maker's picture

Clearly they all did....sense this is Bullish for the market.

But in all seriousness, I think this is a hidden message for the people in the "know". I bet this was  signal for either ending the shutdown or the shutdown will not end. I just wish I got the memo!

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 16:05 | 4023646 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

nike.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:07 | 4023417 SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

A walk is breaking news?   Now if he was being chased by a lion or a tyrannosaur .... that might catch my interest.  Till then the little ass napkin can fuck right off.  

 

Breaking News : Obama actually gets to fucking work 

THAT's the headline I am waiting for.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:15 | 4023469 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

+ 1   !!

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:23 | 4023494 macholatte
macholatte's picture

 

 Till then the little ass napkin can fuck right off. 

 

OMG!   LMAOROTF!

+10

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:36 | 4023551 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

Made me snort !  Can't stop laughing.

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:45 | 4023585 Chuck Walla
Chuck Walla's picture

"Ass Napkin", right into the lexicon.  Well played, Sir! Well played!

FORWARD ASS NAPKINS!

Fri, 10/04/2013 - 15:57 | 4023624 Sofa King
Sofa King's picture

The can be found in bulk supply stores, in the catalog next to the toilet seat covers affectionately referred to as Ass Gaskets.

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