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The Dog Ate It: US Treasury Reimburses Man For $500 His Dog Ate

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Here's a new and very bizarre entry for the annals of "the dog ate it" excuses. According to Reuters, Montana man Wayne Klinkel, who last year pieced together the remnants of five $100 bills eaten by his one-eyed golden retriever, Sundance, is sporting a $500 check he says he received this week from the U.S. Department of the Treasury to replace the digested funds. Sundance sniffed the wad of bills out of a car cubby space while waiting for Klinkel and his wife to return from lunch, and the canine made the currency his lunch.

Klinkel, a graphic designer from Helena who works for the local newspaper, the Independent Record, said he found Sundance had left nothing uneaten but one intact dollar bill and a small piece of a single $100 note.

 

“He’s been notorious for eating paper products,” Klinkel said about Sundance. “I knew right away what had happened.”

 

Klinkel rescued Sundance as a puppy from a shelter 12 years ago and the dog later lost his left eye to surgery.

So what did Klinkel do upon discovering the Benjamins had become fast food: he literally pieced together the evidence.

For days after the December incident, Klinkel followed Sundance around in the snow, collecting his droppings in a plastic bag, he said.

 

Klinkel kept the bag of doggy mess frozen in the cold outside his house, and after weeks of hesitation, he went forward with his plan for retrieving the soiled cash by thawing the droppings in a bucket of soapy water.

 

Using an old metal mining screen and a hose, he separated the $100 bill pieces from the rest of the matter, then washed and began to assemble the tiny paper fragments.

 

“It was sort of like putting the puzzle pieces back together,” Klinkel said.

Obviously, the Fed was not interested in the fecal byproduct. After all, Ben Bernanke is far more adept at creating USD-based, one-ply toilet paper, not so much the target object of said toilet paper. The Treasury on the other hand...

He then took the taped bills to a local bank and the Federal Reserve in Helena but was turned away, he said. Klinkel was eventually directed to the U.S. Department of Treasury’s Mutilated Currency Division, where he mailed the digested bills with a notarized letter on April 15.

 

“There was no guarantee I was going to get anything back,” Klinkel said.

 

The Treasury Department offers reimbursement for some proven cases of damaged currency, and a standard claim can take up to two years to be processed, according to the department’s website.

 

“When mutilated currency is submitted, a letter should be included stating the estimated value of the currency and an explanation of how the currency became mutilated,” the website says.

Luckily, Klinkel's remarkable persistence at sorting through all sorts of monetary shit ultimately paid off.

Klinkel said he didn’t hear a word from the department until Monday, when he received a crisp $500 check in the mail from the Mutilated Currency Division to replace Sundance’s midday snack six months prior. The Independent Record, the paper that employs Klinkel, has posted a picture on its website of Sundance with the check dangling from its mouth.

As of this writing the Treasury's check was not eaten by the dog.

Surely at this point one can appreciate the light bulbs going above Bernanke, and Yellen's, head. Because it is not secret that the biggest failure with QE for the past 5 years has been getting the trillions in freshly injected currency into the hands of consumers, and bypassing the banks who merely use it to generate more asset price bubbles, thus generating the Fed's desired inflation. All it would take is for the Treasury to "loosen" both the threshold of Multilated Currency permissive applications, and the bowels of imaginary dogs. Because there is nothing that would stimulate the velocity of money more than if the treasury were to send crisp $100 bills to all who complain their "dog ate the money" - with or without fecal proof.

And since such canine currency consumption can persist indefinitely not subject to any reserve requirements, it would flip traditional fractional-reserve banking if not on its head, than certainly on its back, as imaginary omnivorous dogs become the primary facilitators of monetary transmission mechanisms across the economy.

The inflationary possibilities are virtually endless.

As for the tragicomic ending of this tale, "an operator with the U.S. Department of Treasury on Thursday said department representatives were furloughed and unavailable for comment on Klinkel’s reimbursement."

 

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Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:10 | 4025495 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

oh you all made fun of Collateralized Litterbox Obligations, but I knew I was ahead of my time

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:17 | 4025509 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Hiding cash in a cubby space in his car? The man is clearly a drug dealer or a terrorist. I am surprised the Feds didn't take the car, impound the dog, seize all of his assets and ship him to a Federal Detention Center.
;-)

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:30 | 4025528 Esso
Esso's picture

The day ain't over yet.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 14:44 | 4025996 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

bonds are digested dollars

dollars are digested bonds

http://oi40.tinypic.com/1zbs3uo.jpg

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 16:49 | 4026249 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Now that's a simple diagram that makes sense.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 18:47 | 4026581 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

Shit in.....shit out.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 16:26 | 4026195 Silver Alert
Silver Alert's picture

Dog ate the Constitution. If we send in the pieces - can we get our country back?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 17:09 | 4026311 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

Sorry, no.

Your friends at the NSA

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:09 | 4025600 max2205
max2205's picture

This one is too easy....no comment

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:19 | 4025636 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

If my dog did that he would've paid through the ass.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 14:25 | 4025956 SilverDOG
SilverDOG's picture

 Am going to feed dog 100 $1 bills, and mail them in "Fresh".

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 15:16 | 4026052 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

We're out here in the midwest- Manure is one thing we have LOTS of- I could literally mail TONS of shit to Bernanke! My attitude has improved a great deal, just thinking about it!!

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:45 | 4025547 Renewable Life
Renewable Life's picture

So the House just overwhelmingly voted to give all the "furloughed" federal workers, full back pay!! It's just such a fucking farse, just get it over with and hold a fucking press conference and tell the fucking people the truth!

Your Republic is over, we can never stop spending or expanding government spending and control, or we'll have to declare martial law!! That's your fucking choices citizens, we're sorry, we don't know how we got to this place....blah blah blah, but at least we could all just stop the fucking charade!!

Wouldn't that just feel sooooo much better then this joke we are living in today???

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:49 | 4025551 wisefool
wisefool's picture

Tyler posted that something like 90% of the IRS is being paid not to work. I am actually cool with that.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:05 | 4025764 CPL
CPL's picture

They are getting paid, well at least the EXCOMs are (can't have enough EX staff, seriously retarded).  They are still getting checks from their principal employers, the Fed because they are only a collection agency for them.   The officers and staff aren't getting paid though. 

Anyone that actually does the work at the IRS.  The top bosses couldn't give a fiddlers fuck about you.  To these people, you are a useful idiot.  A fool that takes nothing but a crooked smile as payment from crooked men.  They eat Lobster and Steak at offsite meetings and you get to buy medium ground chuck of ass for 5 bucks a pound and worry about the lights staying on.

You give your work and life, the payment is they starve your family.  And that's your 'government'.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:09 | 4025781 Silver Bug
Silver Bug's picture

Don't worry soon enough it's all going to be dog food. What a joke.

 

http://jimroger.blogspot.ca/

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:10 | 4025496 daemon
daemon's picture

I didn't know dogs eat toilet paper .

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:06 | 4025772 CPL
CPL's picture

I'm still waiting for dog food flavoured like cat shit.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:12 | 4025497 Deo vindice
Deo vindice's picture

 "Monatana man Wayne Klinkel..."

Maybe there are 57 states after all?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:12 | 4025498 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

Well so much for those who claim the dollar ain't worth shit.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:17 | 4025506 Oquities
Oquities's picture

i've always thought that the process of the Fed buying US Treasuries is like a dog eating its own fresh pile.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:13 | 4025499 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

I have trouble digesting what the dollar has become too.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:15 | 4025500 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

jump the shark

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:13 | 4025501 remain calm
remain calm's picture

Well my dog ate the map to the lost Ark. Where can I get my check for a Billion dollars?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:16 | 4025502 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

uh, this wouldn't have happened with silver or gold coins.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:21 | 4025517 JonNadler
JonNadler's picture

Yeah try to get gold replaced by the treasury (Picture Beppe Grillo giving the Italian salute) 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:15 | 4025503 Yancey Ward
Yancey Ward's picture

We call this the Dogshit QE.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:16 | 4025504 wisefool
wisefool's picture

Is this really what happened to lil' Timmah's IRS-1040 for 2002?

If so, thanks to the turbotax corporation for taking one for the team, as it were.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:19 | 4025511 JonNadler
JonNadler's picture

I bet that dog can't eat gold though, but it can eat fiat money

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:18 | 4025513 Mad Muppet
Mad Muppet's picture

I'm busily trying to feed my pooch some old twenties as we speek.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:20 | 4025516 Caviar Emptor
Caviar Emptor's picture

Dog ate the nuclear launch codes.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:23 | 4025520 edifice
edifice's picture

I'd hate to be the poor clerk at Treasury who had to verify the authenticity of the bills.  Jeezus.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:53 | 4025556 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Really.  

"Oh jeez... I'm not touching this.  Jack?  Jack, send this guy a check and get this crap outta my cube!"

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:30 | 4025529 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

Talkin bout working hard for the money...

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:33 | 4025538 Everyman
Everyman's picture

Money was called "Excrement of the Gods".  (Back when GOLD was "money").

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:40 | 4025541 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

Now it has been debased to "Excrement of the Dogs."

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:46 | 4025548 Clever Name
Clever Name's picture

Its half Labrador and half Maui Waui...

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:54 | 4025558 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

 I take a toke and all my cares go up in smoke!

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:52 | 4025554 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

When the IRS shows up for their tax money I'm just pointing to the dog and saying 'If you want it, you gotta get it from him...'

 

And no, I'd never really let them touch my dog. 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:57 | 4025562 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

The IRS always screws the pooch.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 11:51 | 4025555 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You can't say the dog didn't give a shit.

I'm so glad he could pull his dog's shit together.

Is he on a shit list now at the Fed?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:00 | 4025571 Sambo
Sambo's picture

Helicopter Ben's droppings have become dog food?

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:07 | 4025586 involuntarilybirthed
involuntarilybirthed's picture

Shit Happens

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:08 | 4025598 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

"Spot didnt shit that"

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:10 | 4025605 Bear
Bear's picture

I don't mind paying for this kind of stimulus

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:18 | 4025628 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

All fiat eventually goes to the dogs.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:19 | 4025633 StillSilence
StillSilence's picture

Much easier to eat paper than metal....granted it would be more difficult to eat an extremely thick, heavy piece of paper than it would a tiny fragment of metal.....but, you know, in realistic terms.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:23 | 4025649 hedgelessWhoresMan
hedgelessWhoresMan's picture

Maybe now the cheap sombitch will go buy his dog some food.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:29 | 4025664 SpanishGoop
SpanishGoop's picture

Went to the bank with my business plan "shit is money", but they gave me shit.

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:36 | 4025670 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 The hell with bitcoins. I'm long shitcoins!   Trillion dollar shitcoins ;-D

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:34 | 4025672 SpanishGoop
SpanishGoop's picture

Breaking news, Obama went for a shit and the debtceiling(second thought oBamacare funding)  problem is now solved.

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:37 | 4025683 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Better that it comes out of a dog's butt than out of a Bernanke.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:39 | 4025694 JonNadler
JonNadler's picture

and the difference is?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:50 | 4025692 jonjon831983
jonjon831983's picture

As long as you have at least 51% they will replace it.

 

http://www.secretservice.gov/money_damaged.shtml

 

"When a note is partially destroyed, the Treasury Department will replace it if clearly more than half of the original remains. Fragments of mutilated currency which are not clearly more than one half of the original whole note may be exchanged only if the Director of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing is satisfied by the evidence presented that the missing portions have been totally destroyed."

 

You can even get shredded bills for free: http://www.chicagofed.org/webpages/education/money_museum/virtual_money_museum.cfm (click on the "Fed Shreds" in the interactive map)

 

Here's one:

"50,000 yuan offer after wife tore up bank notes" - "Shanghai Daily, May 7, 2012"

http://www.china.org.cn/china/2012-05/07/content_25317826.htm

 

"A man in the southwest Sichuan Province has been offered 50,000 yuan (US$7,950) for a bag of bank notes his wife tore up.

Lin Zhaoqiang, 31, withdrew 50,000 yuan from his bank account to pay for treatment for his wife, who has mental health problems.

 Now he may do so, after an offer to pay the face value for the notes was made by a person surnamed Xie from Zigong City in Sichuan. No further details were revealed.

Lin took the fragments to banks but was told almost all were too badly damaged to be exchanged. Only one 100-yuan note could be pieced together, and only after 12 bank workers spent six hours assembling it."

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:41 | 4025695 brown_hornet
brown_hornet's picture

Swallowed my gold temporary crown once. Four days deficating on a newspaper, then EUREKA.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:34 | 4025831 akak
akak's picture

You mean "Eurekaka", don't you?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:44 | 4025706 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

The govt takes my money and makes nothing but shit out of it too.

Can I get reimbursed?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:49 | 4025711 B2u
B2u's picture

I tried this with my homework, but it didn't work....sigh...

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 16:52 | 4026254 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

Apparently you still have to turn the shit in.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 12:48 | 4025716 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

There's a pony in here somewhere...

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:03 | 4025748 are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

Quantative easing takes many forms.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:02 | 4025755 giggler321
giggler321's picture

It's a good idea and I think I'm gonna add a twist, eating it myself, collecting in bags and well because my tax's have been mis-spent I'm gonna leave it to them to do the seperation.

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:27 | 4025815 akak
akak's picture

Hey guys, if one dog's poop can yield that much money, who's up for an anonymous treasure hunt on a Chinese roadside:

Find the money!

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 17:00 | 4026268 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Alas, alas, and once more for good measure, alas, such is the ultimate fate of wokked dogs.

But obviously, Chinese citizenism happens, and you see the results and the fruits of the happening. Just have to bear with it.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:29 | 4025824 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

The FED ate a half pallet of Ben Franklins that had my name on it. I want it back. The NSA has my shipping address. I'll keep the gate open for delivery.......

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 14:06 | 4025900 chemystical
chemystical's picture

 

 

Who knew?  Your dog's bowels would be as safe a haven as the 30-day notes that likewise pay 0%

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 14:16 | 4025933 Pumpkin
Pumpkin's picture

My dog has eaten at least 12 million dollars in the 6 years that I've had him.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 14:28 | 4025962 JB
JB's picture

soooo, you're telling me that i can mail DOG SHIT to the Treasury, and they'll send me a check for it??!?

 

:D

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 16:44 | 4026232 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Let's just mail the dog shit, pleeeeeease!?! We don't even need to ask for the money.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 19:39 | 4026686 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Nobody gets a refund on dog shit. Satisfaction is guaranteed.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 19:42 | 4026690 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

That's what the banks do with the FED. They send shit and get interest free money in return.

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 16:09 | 4026168 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

I wonder how they were able to distinguish between dog shit and Federal Reserve notes?

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 16:36 | 4026209 Apostate2
Apostate2's picture

This is a classic, including the comments.

Still laughing

 

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 17:15 | 4026331 U4 eee aaa
U4 eee aaa's picture

This story has to be bogus. I would think after the dog ingested the money he would ralph it back out again. Fiat money should be enough to make anybody sick

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 19:37 | 4026679 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

This story reminds me of a Cheech and Chong movie where one of them is smoking a big joint in the car and exclaims, "this is heavy shit man". The other replies "yeh I had to follow the dog for three days to get it".

 

Apparently the dog had eaten the dope and one of the characters waited for the dog to have a shit so he could retrieve it.

Memory has faded a bit but that is how I remember it.

Sun, 10/06/2013 - 13:31 | 4027813 ejhickey
ejhickey's picture

our mony is dog shit. i knew it.

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