• Tim Knight from...
    04/28/2016 - 00:27
    I was expecting a few boring candidate statements of the U.S. Senate - AKA the World's Most Exclusive Club - but, boy, was I wrong. Just take a look at some of these gems.
  • Tim Knight from...
    04/28/2016 - 00:27
    I was expecting a few boring candidate statements of the U.S. Senate - AKA the World's Most Exclusive Club - but, boy, was I wrong. Just take a look at some of these gems.

The Onion's Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Source: The Onion,

The Treasury Department has warned that the continued failure by Congress to raise the debt ceiling would leave the United States unable to pay all of its bills and may force the country to default on its government bonds. Here are some helpful answers to the most common questions about the debt ceiling crisis:

What is the debt ceiling?

The debt ceiling is a specifically defined yet changeable clause in official federal legislation that ensures that our country becomes embroiled in maddening, childish theatrics every few months or years.

How high is the debt ceiling now?

Just like normal ceiling height.

When will we hit the debt ceiling?

On Thursday, Oct. 17 at precisely 5 p.m. Eastern time, when the nation’s $46 billion cable bill comes due.

What happens if the government defaults on its debt?

The United States will lose the credibility and respect we incorrectly assume other nations still hold toward us.

How would a government default affect the economy?

Picture a cake, small crumbs of which fall off during each slice, or transaction, whenever money is lent to institutions from the Federal Reserve. It is a thick, rich sponge cake with icing. The icing is the American people.

How would a government default affect me?

It’s always about you, isn’t it? Prick.

Has the government ever defaulted on its debt before?

No, although it came close in 1877 when Rutherford B. Hayes installed the White House’s first telephone, then ordered 900,000 pizzas.

What do Republicans want in exchange for raising the debt ceiling?

Reasonable solutions to create an affordable, private, cost-effective health care system, a renewed emphasis on the entrepreneurial spirit that makes this country so great, long-term investments in our economy and infrastructure to build a stable and sustainable middle class, and a return to constructive political discourse.

How can I explain this crisis to my children?

You have kids? Uh-oh.

Are the debt ceiling crisis and government shutdown connected?

Technically no, but in many Eastern veins of thought it is believed that all things in the universe are connected. The cherry blossom and earthworm do not know the other exists, but is it not the fallen petal that provides nourishment to the earthworm, and is it not the earthworm that enriches the soil for the blossom’s mother tree? Perhaps there is more truth in seeing the world and everything in it as one than in believing that things are separate.

Why do we need Congress to raise the debt ceiling?

You know what, you’re absolutely right. We don’t need Congress. Let’s just do it ourselves! Come on, everyone!

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Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:30 | 4046198 F-Tipp
F-Tipp's picture

"We don't need congress."

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:35 | 4046217 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

If you went home today and found the main line had burst and had filled your house with sewage all the way to the ceiling - would you raise the ceiling or remove the shit?!?!?!

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:36 | 4046223 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Guillotine for the Plumbers...

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:14 | 4046292 Scarlett
Scarlett's picture

IMF saying "how about robbing 10% of everyone's bank accounts?" in plain sight. (p.49)

http://www.imf.org/external/pubs/ft/fm/2013/02/pdf/fm1302.pdf

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:14 | 4046317 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

Nah, let's just QE the money supply to infinity - that'll take an even larger percent and no one, including Know-Bell bearded economists, will be the wiser.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:17 | 4046326 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Why would anyone take a Monopoly Game so serious? I would if I lived in Iran or Syria...

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:07 | 4046475 Muppet Pimp
Muppet Pimp's picture

The lunatics running the asylum have found the paymasters (the fed and foreign governments ) are more than happy to pay whatever it takes to keep the American serfs in perpetual debt slavery, seeing as they for the most part make their payments on time and the serfs for the most part remain unaware.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:55 | 4046552 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Repudiate the debt to the Fed.

It's a private bank and a den of thieves.. screw'em.

Issue US currency, replace all FRN's.. totally sovereign checkmate.

Nationalize the largest half dozen "investment banks", fire everybody, arrest some, execute some., spin'em off after you clean them up.

Repududiate all non-US/domestic CDO's. Take town the synthetic market and shadow banking system. Let the foreigners figure out how to clean their own act up.

Shutter the IMF and the ESF.

Repeal the 17th Amendment.

Fire the whole IRS and replace them with two guys, Bernie Maddoff's old AS-400 and a 10 % flat tax like in Russia.

WTF, it's Friday and it's happy hour.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 18:18 | 4046633 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

"Picture a cake, small crumbs of which fall off during each slice, or transaction, whenever money is lent to institutions from the Federal Reserve. It is a thick, rich sponge cake with icing. The icing is the American people."

please mister onion.

teach me how to write like that.

holy shit mister onion.

that was beautiful.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 20:11 | 4046833 mofreedom
mofreedom's picture

smoke some pot...amen...not me...i don't write anymore.

Sat, 10/12/2013 - 07:53 | 4047410 artless
artless's picture

@ Manthong

"Nationalize the largest half dozen "investment banks", fire everybody, arrest some, execute some., spin'em off after you clean them up." 

PROSECUTE UNDER CURRENT LAW the largest half dozen "investment banks", fire everybody, arrest some, execute some., spin'em off after you clean them up.

"Repeal the 17th Amendment."

Repeal the 16th Amendment. THe Federal Reserve Act. Soc Sec. Medicare. etc, etc.

"Fire the whole IRS and replace them with two guys, Bernie Maddoff's old AS-400 and a 10 % flat tax like in Russia."

Fire the whole IRS and replace them with  NOTHING.

Institute a fee based system to fund the absolute minimum and only those specified by The Constitution. 

Then go about dismantling the rest of it.

There fixed it for ya.

Sat, 10/12/2013 - 09:10 | 4047466 Manthong
Manthong's picture

OK.. I'll give that one to you.

maybe I was not aggressive enough in my prescriptions...

and the AS-400 has long since passed the update stage.

Edmund Burke, in a speech to Parliament during the Revolutionary War made comments to the effect that the colonies, except for fighting the British, were getting along quite well without a central government.   

 

Well worth the 22 minutes:

http://mises.org/media/3120/American-Revolution-and-the-Spectre-of-Anarchy-The-HamiltonSeabury-and-PriceLind-Debates

Sat, 10/12/2013 - 09:49 | 4047490 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

think of the debt like a fat aunt you don't want to kiss

she only comes around once a year but she gets larger every year and while you hate her and ignore her, she's still yours

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:42 | 4046556 SeattleBruce
SeattleBruce's picture

"seeing as they for the most part make their payments on time"  How much longer will that happen?

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:25 | 4046519 James-Morrison
James-Morrison's picture

That report was illuminating. 

If trickle-down doesn't work, why does the IMF advocate confiscating money and using their hyper-efficient bureaucracy to distribute it?

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:28 | 4046358 bjfish
bjfish's picture

B-b-but the debt-ceiling was passed by both houses of Congress, signed by the President, and upheld by the Supreme Court.

How could we possibly change it now?

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:40 | 4046392 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

I'm sure at least one person in that loop had their fingers crossed behind their back.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:20 | 4046505 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Prick.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:44 | 4046399 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

2 plumbers was all it took to organize the recall of 2 rat shit anti gun nazi democrats from Colorados Clowngress.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:50 | 4046263 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

Raising the ceiling would create more jobs. Part-time, of course.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:21 | 4046512 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

29.5 hours of load-bearing per week. Sounds fun.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:53 | 4046584 Clever Name
Clever Name's picture

No, no, and no. That's 59 hours! Think that 29.5 hours will pay for your childrens cat food? Back to work!

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 18:18 | 4046631 1100-TACTICAL-12
1100-TACTICAL-12's picture

@Pladizow , you owe me a keyboard... LMAO +100

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 18:27 | 4046658 Henry Hub
Henry Hub's picture

***would you raise the ceiling or remove the shit?***

I'd return the house keys to the bank and walk away. It's bad enough the the house is under water financially. But being under shit as well is more than I could take.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 19:04 | 4046739 Rubbish
Rubbish's picture

Lets eat shit.

 

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 19:22 | 4046771 notquantumdum
notquantumdum's picture

I wouldn't do it with the house.

And, I assume this may not be a popular post, but . . .

The scary part to me, would seem to be that I'm pretty sure they wouldn't even have to "cut spending" to really help out our economy here in the US -- they could most likely really help the growth of our economy by merely slowing the rate of growth of government to where the very meager economic growth could catch up with it a little, if not hopefully surpass it.  They need to just stop growing spending so fast.  This would be like raising the ceiling but by somewhat less.

And they can't even just agree to that.

Look at these charts and remember how much better the economy was back during the Clinton / early-Bush days when costs of doing biz in the US were lower, back when employees were less expensive and more plentiful, back when spending and deficits as a percent of GDP were much lower.  They could just cut everything about 1 or 2%.  Come on, I'm sure we could do it.

http://www.usgovernmentspending.com/spending_chart_1970_2013USp_14s1li11...

http://www.usgovernmentrevenue.com/revenue_chart_1970_2013USp_14s1li111l...

http://www.usgovernmentspending.com/spending_chart_1970_2013USp_14s1li11...

http://www.usgovernmentspending.com/spending_chart_1970_2012USp_14s1li11...

Ah, the good old days.

(And, I wonder why the tax revenues collected by the govt as a portion of the economy are so much lower now that we have the higher tax rates under Obama? /sarcasm off)

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 19:54 | 4046806 Manthong
Manthong's picture

.gov types consider modest reductions in the rate of growth to be draconian cuts in critical services that will kill the elderly and starve children.

When the leg is black from gangrene, you don’t need a pen knife.

.. you need a machete and a bone saw or a Sawsall.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 20:13 | 4046837 notquantumdum
notquantumdum's picture

'But they can't even agree to the pen knife, let alone what might be more logical.  Doesn't Medicare estimate that something like 10 or 20% of their payouts are thought to likely be fraudulent -- I think I read something like that somewhere, at a somewhat legit sounding dot gov type address.  Imagine that.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 20:33 | 4046896 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

I personally believe you're being way too kind when you say that .gov types consider modest reductions in the rate of growth to be draconian cuts. They (I'm referring to the top tier here, not the obedient grunts) certainly claim that such is the case, but do they really believe it? More likely is that such claims are simply a smokescreen for their true feelings, as they have no qualms about killing children (both before birth and in certain cases after birth) as well as inventing those IPABs, aka death panels, to 'care' for those elderly you mention.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:35 | 4046219 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

Debt is just another word for counterfeiting.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:09 | 4046299 DaddyO
DaddyO's picture

+1

Excellent Definition!!

DaddyO

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:20 | 4046329 Enslavethechild...
EnslavethechildrenforBen's picture

We're all playing Monopoly. Unfortunately for us, the Banker has a copy machine and a loaded Uzi...

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:29 | 4046360 Bay of Pigs
Fri, 10/11/2013 - 20:03 | 4046821 Manthong
Manthong's picture

indeed, a classic.

..maybe only rivaled by..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thSTpGnWEAs 

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 20:52 | 4046938 Flagit
Flagit's picture

counterfucking

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:33 | 4046368 TrustbutVerify
TrustbutVerify's picture

 


"We don't need congress."

Just what Obama wants.  

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:40 | 4046391 TheInfoman
TheInfoman's picture

"We don't need congress."

Hold on there F-Tipp.  That would leave us with Obama and the Supremes. 

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:43 | 4046403 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Would there really be any difference?

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 20:35 | 4046897 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

Soon to be Obama and ... Bo? Michelle? Bye bye SCOTUS at that point.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 18:39 | 4046688 Crash Overide
Crash Overide's picture

Sending these assholes money every year is just encouraging their bad behavior. Time to cut them all off...

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:31 | 4046203 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

We would like to publicly thank the Onion for many years of top-notch satire.  Bravo!!

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:41 | 4046243 kralizec
kralizec's picture

Yeah...wait, but our gubmint...ahh..umm...who is providing the satire for whom again?

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 17:55 | 4046589 Clever Name
Clever Name's picture

Only those who get the joke?

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:47 | 4046257 viahj
viahj's picture

"We would like to publicly thank the Onion for many years of top-notch satire.  Bravo!!"  but sadly, their services are no longer needed.  the farce is now reality.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:10 | 4046302 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

viahj--I gave you a reddie, not at all because your point is incorrect, but because the Onion is one of the few organizations with the balls to make things more readily apparent.

the court jester's services were/are always necessary, no matter the source.

But the farce has not propagated into the so-called "minds" of the so-called "low-information-voters", so the farce remains necessary.

- Ned

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:46 | 4046405 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Onion having to dig very deep to imagine up satire that is over the top of the satire from Wash DC...very difficult.

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 16:09 | 4046304 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Where is the satire? Oh you mean the part about what the Republicans want...gotcha'.

Sat, 10/12/2013 - 03:17 | 4047320 malek
malek's picture

Yeah, that part really teared me up of laughter

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:32 | 4046204 pocatello
pocatello's picture

Ummm..

 

Buy some gold, bitchez.

 

http://www.fofoa.blogspot.com/

 

 

Fri, 10/11/2013 - 15:30 | 4046207 WarHorse
WarHorse's picture

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!