Fact Or Fiction: New, Improved Obamacare Program Released On 35 Floppy Disks

Tyler Durden's picture

Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contained on 35 floppy disks.



“I have heard the complaints about the existing website, and I can assure you that with this revised system, finding the right health care option for you and your family is as easy as loading 35 floppy disks sequentially into your disk drive and following the onscreen prompts,” President Obama told reporters this morning, explaining that the nearly three dozen 3.5-inch diskettes contain all the data needed for individuals to enroll in the Health Insurance Marketplace, while noting that the updated Obamacare software is mouse-compatible and requires a 386 Pentium processor with at least 8 MB of system RAM to function properly.

“Just fire up MS-DOS, enter ‘A:\>dir *.exe’ into the command line, and then follow the instructions to install the Obamacare batch files—it should only take four or five hours at the most. You can press F1 for help if you run into any problems. And be sure your monitor’s screen resolution is at 320 x 200 or it might not display properly.”

Obama added that the federal government hopes to have a six–CD-ROM version of the program available by 2016.


Source: The Onion

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exartizo's picture


Meeting in the Oval Office

Obama: What we need is a way to kick start the Affordable Health Care Act.

AHCA Health Advocate: I know! Let’s make a cheap affordable way for them to download Obama Care to their computers.

Obama: Great idea. I knew I was paying you $100,000 a year for a good reason.

AHCA Health Advocate: if we make it “retroactively compatible” for say every person who has ever used a computer since 1980 then we will cover 95% of all people eligible for the AHCA enrollment process.

Obama: Brilliant! What high School did you say you graduated from?

AHCA Health Advocate: Never finished High School. BUT I did get my GED. Even better, I’ve got some prototype floppies that I can get the AHCA application running on by tomorrow morning!

Obama: Does anyone in your immediate or extended family need a government job or a cabinet level position?

AHCA Health Advocate: Not right now. But we could sure use new iPhones.

Obama: Done. They’ll never see us coming. Make it so Number One.

are we there yet's picture

WOW, floppy drives are so affordable.

Makes you want to shove his thumbdrive up his obamacare.

W74's picture

Careful, I'm sure he welcomed that sort of thing while frequenting the gay bathouses in Chicago.

vegas's picture

For $690 million, I can have it ready by late 2015. Of course, I need it all up front - like right now. Is this a problem?



W74's picture

I think KBR might have a job lined up for you as a contract writer.

Wilcox1's picture

I guess my vote would prolly have to be for "Fact"

g'kar's picture

I knew it was fake when they didn't include the easy to swallow nano-tech transponder chip.

Atomizer's picture

My last joke for the evening


Considering wix.com is an advertiser for CNBC. Perhaps the Squawk box muppets can reach out to the Obama administration in developing a workable cookie cutter websites w/healthcare shopping cart. Sock puppet media can grind with the government handlers in developing an alliance with wix.com to solve IT woes.

I wonder who drops the ad first..

Create Your Free Stunning Website. 39,494,089 users and growing. Get online now! Easy to customize. No coding. Google friendly.



How many ACA users are on the exchanges? Heeheeeheee

CharmaChameleon's picture

Seven and a half terabytes, delivered by rail in your very own secure boxcar at your nearest train yard for easy pickup by your personal fleet of transfer trucks. The program and data files are stored in Intel S-Record format on three and a half billion EEPROMs, which you must read into your hard drive by a simple RS-232C interface with Chip Select pulled high by an external battery source. Do not attempt to power Chip Select from the same mains circuit as the EEPROM reader as this may nullify your BIOS.

The EEPROM reader is available for a rental fee of $499 a day from a few vendors around the Pacific Rim, but you have to pay for the shipping (both directions) and the insurance. The readers are very fast, however, capable of connecting at up to 2400 bits per second via a suitable synchronous interface and shielded cable, available for purchase only from two vendors in the Republic of Zimbabwe for less than one ounce of market grade Au.

It is strongly recommended that you execute a suitable SHA-256 hash algorithm upon each file in the set before continuing to the next EEPROM. We beg you to eschew the temptation to assemble the entire S-Record set into a single file until each of the 3.5 billion checksums has been verified visually!

Though not confirmed at this time, you might be able to download the requisite SNOBOL-4 interpreter required to reassemble the S-Record files from various Internet sources. WARNING! This will only work properly if the files are first transferred to 100MB ZIP drive media operating via the computer's parallel printer port! You, of course, may elect to try another method or technology, but a sizable investment in fire extinguishers and exhausting fans is recommended in that case. Happily, the SNOBOL-4 program is included on an 8 inch single density/single sided "diskette", which may still be available from a salvage yard or other source.

Happy Days!


Atomizer's picture

The three computers at my childhood home were [1] Heathkit H89, [2] Zenith Z-89 w/ amber screen.. woohooo.

One of these fucker was tied into a EPROM burner. Place the chip in device, slide in the 5-1/2” disk. Download file to MS/dos directory. Key in a string of MS commands. Sit back and watch the EPROM burner light show. Remove chip at completion. Insert chip into modified game cartridge. Bolt off to game room to play new video game.

Do you understand why no one is buying shite? Technology has nothing to offer but a new operating system to accommodate previous fuck ups and maybe a sleeker looking device.


Edit: That was back in the late 70's BTW. I see bullshit because we used to have BBS chat systems without advertisements. Watching 1 billion dollar BBS IPO's is a joke too me. Bill Cosby once said, 'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out." Think about that..



Bobportlandor's picture

I bought my first computer in 86, Sperry 286 with 640 ram, 44 meg HDD,

12" Princeton Color monitor and 1.22 dsk.

The fastest computer at the time running Dos 2.3 and Autocad 2.1


Sat for 1 week on the floor because I was to intimidated to open it up.

Finally I decided to get it working before my wife killed me. After a day or so I showed her PC paint and she drew some Curious George pictures so my son a little over 2 years old could use the fill can to paint just like in a coloring book.

Now he works for Disney World in tech.

I was blown away by the fact that a child could look at the screen and maneuver the mouse instinctively. I would show him how to switch colors where to place the cursor tail and how to open and close the program.

As far as he was concerned it was just boxes and symbols.

But my 40 year old Brother in law couldn't do it.

g'kar's picture

TI-994A was my first computer in the early 80's. The voice synthesizer was great for games (cartridge).

Atomizer's picture

Very much of what I call a computer success story.


My story is much different. My father taught me more than I cared to learn. The field was extremely boring. As a child, he would drag me to these meetings. It was a nerd fest in the eyes of a young child. Nevertheless, these people were extremely intellectual and brilliantly humble. Having been a ANSI character child, the first round of waiting for an internet page to download drove me insane. I parted from the internet and reengaged with windows 95. Between windows 95 -98 were very dark times of my life. Never committed a crime, thank god. I ran a MSN chat site with the key word of HACKER. We tested all the new software and used it on any targets. When MS unveiled Visual Basic, it was like handing candy to a addict. One morning I woke up and looked into the mirror. I said, ‘who & what have you become?’ Unplugged from the internet for nearly a year or so.


Returned to the internet in helping identify security holes. After 9/11, my interest in following geopolitics grew. After I figured out Wall street fed the Politician’s, I joined MW and ended up at Zerohedge.


Your story has a joyful ending regarding computers, again thank you. We intend for that to continue, by protecting your privacy and the fetching of illegal  government data mining.  Keep in mind, coding a website will keep them tied up for weeks/months.  :>)

lamont cranston's picture

I'm pissed! I want REAL 6" floppys that work on my Burroughs 9000 that I bought back in 1981. Hey, it still works great but the $2000/mo service contract sucks. 

Bobportlandor's picture

Bad Bad memories the 35 disks your thinking of is IBM PC DOS 6.x



MS out played IBM so IBM thought they'd bring out there own version and crush MS.


Someone suggest to Obama the government should provide everyone with a 56K modem for faster access. Hes stupid enough to buy it.

One of We's picture

What a bitch it is to get 34 disks in to find out you're one short.......if ithat happens to you more than once you're just a bigger moron than the one who did it once. 




Element's picture

Haven't seen a 3.5 floppy drive for about 7 years, and that was on an old box. Ever had a kid ask you what a floppy disk is?

jcamargo's picture

I am so glad this is from the Onion.

Peterus's picture

Polish free (eg. paid by taxpayers) healthcare fund has some workstations that are still without internet and/or CD/DVD drives and they do use floppies. I haven't seen that, I guess it's in remote villiges but still - NFZ fund did order a batch of floppies for these ancient computers. Progress slowed down to a crawl in that institution.

Though I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun with Obamacare too.

Ar-Pharazôn's picture

if it's a joke, it's a very funny one!

mrmic2027's picture

when does the windows 95 version come out ??

Apostate2's picture

May I add to the the surreal or should I say phantasmagorical use of floppy disks, that this is truly a fuck you to the long suffering taxpayers of the USA. How does the the country that can spy on everyone in the world roll out a floppy disk to skewer or should I say gather the intimate details of their citizenry. I think this should be added to the DSM.

The Fuck you  Govsyndrome

stant's picture

the instructions are on 8 track tapes

B2u's picture

Once installed the disks self destruct in 6 seconds...

Urban Redneck's picture

And NOT ONE PERSON has pointed out the irony in the Onion's humor-- if someone types in "dir *.exe" at an MS-DOS A:\> prompt they certainly aren't going to get any instructions, much less install a program or complete the mythical Obamacare application process.

It's NOT A FIX in the first place.

Peter Pan's picture

relax everybody. After the next crunch, the finances of this world will be calculated using just an abacus. 

g speed's picture

what is evident is that the expectations people have of the systems of gov't are so low that many believe this may be true-- very telling.

djsmps's picture

Somebody remembers MS Word, circa 1996, when it required installing 35 floppy disks.

auric1234's picture

What? No punch card version??


Stuck on Zero's picture

Is it true you have to run the software in Windows Vista?


XitSam's picture

No one will ever need more than 640K of memory.