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Government Enron: Add Obamacare To Your Shopping Cart? Consider Yourself Enrolled

Tyler Durden's picture


With the numbers of 'real' enrollees in Obamacare looking dismal relative to government expectations, and the deadline for the first official details of the health law's enrollment figures due later this week, the administration has decided - in an oh so US Government-esque move - to change the rules. An enrollee is now defined as people who have purchased a plan (normal health insurance plan protocol) as well as those who have a plan sitting in their online shopping cart but have not yet paid. As The Washington Post notes, the disparity in the numbers is likely to further inflame the political fight especially in light of the fact that - for context - the average e-commerce shopping cart abandonment rate is 67%.


Via The Washington Post,

The fight over how to define the new health law’s success is coming down to one question: Who counts as an Obamacare enrollee?


Health insurance plans only count subscribers as enrolled in a health plan once they’ve submited a payment. That is when the carrier sends out a member card and begins paying doctor bills.


When the Obama administration releases health law enrollment figures later this week, though, it will use a more expansive definition. It will count people who have purchased a plan as well as  those who have a plan sitting in their online shopping cart but have not yet paid.


“In the data that will be released this week, ‘enrollment’ will measure people who have filled out an application and selected a qualified health plan in the marketplace,” said an administration official, who requested anonymity to frankly describe the methodology.


The disparity in the numbers is likely to further inflame the political fight over the Affordable Care Act. Each side could choose a number to make the case that the health law is making progress or failing miserably.


read more here

So, yet again, the baffle em with bullshit propaganda machine that was once beholden only to the Chinese is now ubiquitous with political factions 'picking' - or manufacturing - the numbers that suit them - as opposed to ever facing up to the reality of unintended consequences and the end of the free lunch...

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Tue, 11/12/2013 - 09:58 | 4145610 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Well, the paper-pushers at the insurance companies will certainly be happy you did...

If you are going to simply make shit up, make sure everyone is on the same page...

roll the mother fucking guillotines...

we will all be a lot healthier for it...

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:07 | 4145642 flacon
flacon's picture

"but have not yet paid."
Oh I thought Obamacare was FREE... 

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:10 | 4145657 NidStyles
NidStyles's picture

Truly the only free thing is starvation....



Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:14 | 4145674 King_of_simpletons
King_of_simpletons's picture

T'is the season to enroll. What can be a true gift this Christmas, than enrolling in Obamacare !! Truly a blessed event.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:17 | 4145683 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

Would a tax be any less onerous if it were named the rose?

Orwell was really onto something with that Newspeak thing.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:22 | 4145701 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



I will not comply.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:24 | 4145708 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

I wonder how long before those with a health plan in their shopping cart but have not submitted start having the premiums automatically deducted from their financial accounts.

In order to sign up and actually be allowed to choose a plan you had to enter all your personal information including bank account numbers.

Time to shear the sheep.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:48 | 4145742 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



So, using the rules of logic, this screencap of an APMEX shopping cart should be good enough for me to pay my federal taxes.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:56 | 4145814 Mike Hunt Hurts
Mike Hunt Hurts's picture

I use those plastic baskets instead of shopping carts at stores.

So, am I enrolled in Obamacare or not?

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 11:17 | 4145876 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



Just put food in your basket at Wal*Mart to enroll in SNAP.

With this government accounting precedent, the valuation of AMZN should skyrocket.

Having almost subscribed to The Economist, Steve Liesman is happy to announce that he is now an economist!

To register for The Draft, now, all one must do is fill out the Selective Service form, but not actually send it in!

If you're a male U.S. citizen, age 18 through 25, and are living INSIDE the United States or its territories, or if you have an APO/FPO address, you can register with Selective Service by filling out the form below and clicking on "Submit Registration."

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 11:34 | 4145950 Mike Hunt Hurts
Mike Hunt Hurts's picture

I don't have to worry about the Selective Service Draft.

I found a crooked S.S. Disability doctor to cook the medical reports.

Going to Wal*Mart with my SSDI check and my shopping basket!

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 11:55 | 4146050 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

Better yet, I'm going to the bank to deposit funds in my business account today. I'll be adding an estimated amount of cash to the deposit ticket entry for all of the cleints who called me, said they'd hire me, and haven't paid for my services; I don't have the cash. I'm sure the bank will credit my account for this amount, since these clients have actually hired and paid me under the .guv definition.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:56 | 4145830 johnQpublic
johnQpublic's picture

does this mean i actually own the players on my fantasy football team now?

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 17:15 | 4147446 akak
akak's picture

I looked at a fat ugly woman at the post office this morning.

Does that mean I am now married?

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 12:54 | 4146290 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

We can call it a penalty. Too much time in the shopping cart. 15 yards.

As for who counts? Wake me up when the funds start being withdrawn from the EBT cards.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:26 | 4145715 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

The real trick is that they've achieved a massive tax increase on the proles under the guise of delivering healthcare.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:49 | 4145791 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

The spin machine is going to have some issues because at the end of the day there is a real accounting of income, revenue less expenses.  This real accounting will be used by insurance companies to set the 2015 rates which will be published in October 2014 right before the November elections.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:55 | 4145797 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



...at the end of the day there is a real accounting...

That is funny!

What planet are you from, dude?  Here on Earth, this is what passes as "real" accounting...

During April 2009, however, the Financial Accounting Standards Board
(FASB) voted on and approved new guidelines
that would allow for the
valuation to be based on a price that would be received in an orderly
market rather than a forced liquidation, starting during the first
quarter of 2009.

AKA, mark to unicorns and rainbows.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:59 | 4145839 RobD
RobD's picture

If that actually happens you will see my shocked face :0

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 12:54 | 4146288 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Plus they've created a few jobs for heroic Obamanaut "navigators", the ones on the other end of 1 800 FU....  Warning:  Do not read the following link or watch the accompanying video while trying to swallow something.http://www.nationalreview.com/article/363699/truth-about-navigators-john...


Wed, 11/13/2013 - 15:22 | 4151097 VD
VD's picture

beatings are the new reward and morale always upbeat(en).

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 11:47 | 4146020 unrulian
unrulian's picture

I just tried it at Silvergoldbull.com ....and as of yet i don't have a tracking number for 10 gold maples i put in my cart

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:15 | 4145678 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

Barry needs a case of Astroglide.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:28 | 4145718 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

Then he'd have two cases.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:46 | 4145786 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

The Wookie ain't got a slippery hole like she used ta, yo.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:55 | 4145819 SkottFree
SkottFree's picture

Technically it is free as you never actually make a payment.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:08 | 4145649 slotmouth
slotmouth's picture

Don't these people know that likes, retweets and pageviews are the only credible metrics. 

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 11:48 | 4146031 drendebe10
drendebe10's picture

Would anyone really expect anything diffetrnt from yhe narcissistic pathologic illegal alien kenyan monkeyboy?  Duh

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 17:12 | 4147436 Agstacker
Agstacker's picture

I was almost afraid to click on the article, getting an email stating that reading about it enrolls you...

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 09:58 | 4145617 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

Holy Shit, do you guys know how many things I have now considered "purchased" on the Internet over the past 15 years !!!!.....

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:18 | 4145689 pods
pods's picture

That is blatantly a lie. Those people either went that far to see the cost of the plans, or got that far and realized they either can afford the house, or this plan and a van down by the river.

That 67% rate is way low.  

When the hell are people at these dog and pony shows going to actually grow a pair and call bullshit?

Can't wait for the radio soundbytes that show how x million have now enrolled and things are hunky dory.

Fucking shameful.  


Tue, 11/12/2013 - 11:06 | 4145868 RSloane
RSloane's picture

Desperate times call for desperate lies. This is more true for government than anything else.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 14:23 | 4146586 depression
depression's picture

This is just a pre-cursor or trial-ballon if you will for the inevitable outcome which is those eligible will be automatically enrolled. Just a simple pen stroke in the form of a presidential order to 'adjust' the ACA enrollment from a voluntary mandate to automatic enrollment based on your 2014 Form 1040.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:21 | 4145699 mess nonster
mess nonster's picture

I'm signin' up for the gold plan, bitchez!

But hey, who restocks the shelves from all of those abandoned shopping carts?

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 09:59 | 4145618 Murf_DaSurf
Murf_DaSurf's picture



Fuck the Progessives!


Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:18 | 4145686 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Why so limited? Fuck the collectivists!

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:34 | 4145735 pods
pods's picture

Fuck anyone who thinks they have a right to rule over another.


Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:00 | 4145621 jtz5
jtz5's picture

This is so comical.  I don't know a single person who works in government.  Are they all that clueless?

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:02 | 4145628 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

They prefer you think it 'comical' rather than criminal.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:00 | 4145622 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

Channel stuffing.

Cars are 'sold' when looky-loos walk on the lot.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:12 | 4145629 Cdad
Cdad's picture

Dear Government Employees,

Please...don't insult our collective intelligence.  In case you had not noticed, we have adapted...and so should you.  We no longer watch NBC, CBS, of FOX. Instead, we use any number of internet news sources to gather in the truth.  The most lazy of the propagandists is no longer needed [ie you can fire the guy who decided the whole "in cart" thing per ZeroCare]...and promote another more clever propagandist in his place.

Ditto this to all bankers.  We  no longer buy stocks from you, nor are most of interested in buying overpriced houses with giant anvil  like debt anchors around our necks.  Please, continue to purge your employment ranks.

with love




Honest to pete...how does J. Cramer still have a job?  Shares of COMCAST should be sold every day until this particular propagandist is no longer ranting and raving on air.  Just...just.....unreal.....


Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:22 | 4145702 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

As long as the sheeple play the voting game, they could not care less about your enlightenment.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:27 | 4145717 Cdad
Cdad's picture

"...they could not care less about your enlightenment"

You literally could not have made a more incorrect statement in response.  

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:04 | 4145633 _ConanTheLibert...
_ConanTheLibertarian_'s picture

Only in America

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:04 | 4145635 all-priced-in
all-priced-in's picture

They should just have the FED print up some subscribers.  

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:05 | 4145638 digitlman
digitlman's picture


Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:14 | 4145661 Hongcha
Hongcha's picture

Digitlman is correct.  Flopperoo.  El Floppo.

If the Administration is struggling to arrive at a definition of 'Enrolled' like that slimeball Clinton defining 'is', this serves to reveal what a desperate, breathless farce and fuckup the ACA has become/

Secret enrollment numbers?  What an open farce Obama & Co. have made of the office of the Presidency.

This even before addressing online security issues; before addressing the issue of intimate financial and personal information in the hands of $9.95 / hour ACORN reps.

This even assuming the law has a shred of validity.

How much is the information on each enrollee worth, street value?

You could find your bank info thrown into a tranche and sold off to an Estonian hacker who will drain your account from 4,000 miles away.

Stay Away.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:25 | 4145710 pods
pods's picture

No, they form an LLC and buy your numbers from Experian.  Could you imagine the problems with data from government?



Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:06 | 4145640 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Great ! .... ObamaScare sitting in the shopping carts waiting for a check from the free shit army.

These morons are making deception waaay tooo complicated.

Tue, 11/12/2013 - 10:06 | 4145641 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

At this rate I will be paying under $3 a gallon for gas in NY. That is insane. No one can afford gas anymore. There is your supply and demand. We are taking the next big leg down now in society, except this time the market won't even pretend to be interested.

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