400 Years Of Black Fridays, Explained By A Taiwanese Cartoon

Tyler Durden's picture

Via Taiwanese Animators,


 

Black Friday is America's most honest holiday. It is immediately preceded by Thanksgiving, which is when Americans of all races, except the native kind, get together and exchange a mutual wink and a nod that they're giving thanks for the majestic land that God inexplicably bestowed upon them (but for realz, we really scored with this sweet continent we got here) and then have a turkey dinner. But Black Friday actually embodies the pioneer spirit that carried smallpox riddled settlers from one coast to the other. Like raiders in the night, shoppers drunk on red wine and diabetes crouch before the gates of the enemy's castle, or Best Buy, waiting to storm through the breach and rape and pillage and ask if this can be returned if it turns out your sister already has one.

America's founders would have been perfectly at home in such an environment. The only reason the Native Americans ever gave them some food to eat is to stop these insane pale-faced, pantaloon wearing, toothless swamp dwellers, from cannibalizing each other every time the mail boat from England showed up a day late. Guys, for serious, have some corn, and put down that kid's leg! It doesn't go in your mouth! Even after the nation had been founded, Black Friday survived every year of the American Civil War, and even the great depression, when there was nothing to fight over but Hoover Bread, and Hoover Pies, and Hoover Beer; all three are just variations of sawdust.

Sadly, Black Friday crusaders of today are on average 5 times the body mass of the founding fathers. They are only able to ransack a big box store with three vertical steps or less. But in the interest of keeping an American tradition alive, they will continue to drive their accessibility scooters toward those sliding glass doors, wallets in one hand and 2nd Amendment protector in the other, in the hope of passing on to the next generation those most American of values: the kind with a spinning blue light on it.

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NOTaREALmerican's picture

HA!  Too funny.

Is this a great country, or what?

The Juggernaut's picture

AAAAAAAAHHHHHmurica!  Where most dogs sleep in the same bed as their owners.  So weird.

chumbawamba's picture

"Jive Turkey Dinner" - priceless.

I am Chumbawamba.

cynicalskeptic's picture
Why are so many incidents at Wal-Mart?     Fighting over crap?!?!     
I am more equal than others's picture

 

 

"Veni, vidi, vici" (Classical Latin: [?we?ni? ?wi?di? ?wi?ki?]; Ecclesiastical Latin: [?v?ni ?vidi ?vit?i]; "I came, I saw, I conquered.") is a Latin sentence phrase the etymology of which reportedly extends from Julius Caesar's oral declaration respecting his campaign in Britain (55-54 BC) to his written comment in 47 BC on his short war with Pharnaces II of Pontus in the city of Zela (currently known as Zile, in Turkey), both abbreviations arising from singular victory in certain location. Veni, vidi, and vici are first person perfect forms of the three Latin verbs venire, videre, and vincere.

 

Public education isn't what it used to be, heh?

 

Mike in GA's picture

If you think of the sexual connotation of VENI at the end, it's pretty funny. 

Thank you for your first person perfect education denunciation however.

I am more equal than others's picture

 

 

My bad...

I always come too soon.

Headbanger's picture

What fucking idiots still go to a store to fight through crowds and wait for hours in check out lines when there's the internet you mooks!?

Platinum's picture

The same fucking idiot that would mindlessly flock to Walmart at midnight to buy a $98 TV, that's who.

I order all nearly everything online, save for local produce/meat/dairy. I started ordering online from Buy.com in the late 90's. I haven't looked back.

Dr. Engali's picture

What's with all the fat people on scooters? I never see people like that.

Uber Vandal's picture

Go to a Wal-Mart, and simply stand in the entry or exit area for about 15 mintues or less.

If they fail to show up for some reason, visit a Golden Corral, and bring eye bleach.

N_Jones's picture

Vandal speaks the truth..... :) Them fatties in the scooters can't resist the chocolate waterfall......

texas sandman's picture

The question I have is....what point do you have to come to where you say "fuck it, I ain't walking anymore"?

 

Kinda like "how important do you have to be to be labeled as having been assassinated rather than just murdered"?

 

ForTheWorld's picture

It never ceases to amaze me that people can get so fat that their legs are angled 90 degrees from where they should be.

I am Jobe's picture

I saw one, maybe she was a crumb away from 450 pounds and the man was right up there too. Interestingly enough they were driving a Ford Escort. 

imbrbing's picture

Proud to be an AMERICAN!!!!!

SloMoe's picture

"Proud to be an AMERICAN!!!!!"

 

You meant, of course, "Proud to be 'MERICAN!!!!!"

mayhem_korner's picture

 

 

Right after the tryptophan wears off, I'm heading over to the nearest Wal-Buy complex to sell off some tasers I "found".  I would think that they would command top dollar to those wanting to advance a couple spaces once the cattle rush for iStuff is on...

Sutton's picture

Chink got a lot to say. Go eat a cat on Thursday.

Magnum's picture

Truth be told if a group of Americans wanted to study Taiwanese culture and habits in order to make cartoons mocking chinks, they would be a lot more funny than this half-baked attempt at humor.

suteibu's picture

When Taiwan becomes the straw that stirs the drink in Asia, it will be open season on them.  In the meantime, the most they can do is follow the time-honored practice of mocking their puppet-master with satire.  Give them that.

vxpatel's picture

americans study? don't think so...

Osmium's picture

She busted a cap in that setllers ass over a butter churn.  Sweet.

Platinum's picture

She churned out some whoop ass! Butter the other lady and not her.

Clayton Bigsby's picture

Yeah, America ain't perfect, but maybe our Taiwanese friends need a little reminder that if it wasn't for us, they'd be Southeast fucking China.  You're welcome.

mayhem_korner's picture

 

 

Just double-check that yer keyboard isn't "Made in Taiwan"...

Stuck on Zero's picture

Ah yes.  Taiwan.  The nation peopled by peaceful Polynesians and then viciously conquered by a failing Chinese dictatorship.  Now a land of mercantilists.

MrSteve's picture

USA's pair of B-52s due a cruise-by on the South China Sea's newest hot spot, now that is American Imperial Charm Schoolin', formerlay called gunboat diplomacy. Now the gunboats fly at 60,000 feet from half way round the world. Note Obama didn't send stealth bombers the Chinese couldn't see...

Taiwan is taking very close note of all this, guaranteed as they would be the first Minutemen in this next war.

LFMayor's picture

Watch the movie "Warriors of the Rainbow" and you'll see just how pastoral and peaceful Taiwan was.  And no, it sure as hell aint that sort of rainbow.  Heads fucking roll.

I am Jobe's picture

Taiwan got Amerika by its balls. 

Long Live- Hon Hai Precision Industry Co 

Amerika is SLAVE TO SHIT and they know it. Average sheeple does not see this

cynicalskeptic's picture

Taiwan doesn't have anyone by the balls - they're surviving because the PRC allows them to.  

China - the 'Communist' one, the PRC - has the US by the balls.  Why else would the Fed go to such trouble to provide them with regular and deep discounts on gold?  

 

Don't pull the rug out yet, PLEEEEEEZE .........at least PRETEND to keep buying T-bills - and we'll let you buy all the gold you want......we gotta keep the Ponzi scheme going until the police state has survived Beta testing or we (the politicians and bankers) are headed for the guillotine

DanDaley's picture

I wanna git me wanna dem big screens like dat guy got.

InTheLandOfTheBlind's picture

the propaganda machine here could learn a few things... but seriously enough of the bad europeans.... this history of the natives of this country ain't any cleaner and i am sick of feeling sorry for them that they got beat....  anyways nuff said

NRGIsFree's picture

Well ... At least we have our freedom

 

quasimodo's picture

I am really hoping we get some good footage again this year of the cattle running each other over to get the "hot deals". I thinking someone could actually set up a pay per view site and folks would happily pay to see these mindless consumers in search of plastic happiness.

monad's picture

Thanksgiving: The Russian connection

Why the Rothschilds' genocidal zionist minions massacred Russia, and propagandized them for 150 years

Bobbyrib's picture

They are so funny..I can't wait for China to take them over.

TomGa's picture

Pilgrims were just doing God's work. So fuck off.

 

Around here, Black Friday began on Tuesday in order to sell even more extraneous crap while exporting  more of our inflation and saddling the TBTF banks with more future bad revolving debt. Win-win. So double fuck off.

 

(And on behalf of my family's and some 30 million other Americans' ancestors whom you besmirch, tripple fuck off!)

Winston Smith 2009's picture

Ha!  Very funny.  However, the actual "Black Friday" thing is only about a decade old.  The "holiday shopping season" which begins after Thanksgiving only came on strong as a business concept/goal in the 1980s.  You'll note that the 1980s was when we also saw the beginning of the financialization of everything, the unproductive, vampire squid segment of the economy that is draining us to this day. Not a coincidence.

Anyway, as a protest against conspicuous consumption, I plan to participate in this:

Go Dark, Version 3 -- November 28th - Dec 2nd

http://market-ticker.org/akcs-www?post=226213

22winmag's picture

Black Friday at the local gun shop... wild horses couldn't drag me away.