400 Years Of Black Fridays, Explained By A Taiwanese Cartoon

Tyler Durden's picture


Via Taiwanese Animators,


Black Friday is America's most honest holiday. It is immediately preceded by Thanksgiving, which is when Americans of all races, except the native kind, get together and exchange a mutual wink and a nod that they're giving thanks for the majestic land that God inexplicably bestowed upon them (but for realz, we really scored with this sweet continent we got here) and then have a turkey dinner. But Black Friday actually embodies the pioneer spirit that carried smallpox riddled settlers from one coast to the other. Like raiders in the night, shoppers drunk on red wine and diabetes crouch before the gates of the enemy's castle, or Best Buy, waiting to storm through the breach and rape and pillage and ask if this can be returned if it turns out your sister already has one.

America's founders would have been perfectly at home in such an environment. The only reason the Native Americans ever gave them some food to eat is to stop these insane pale-faced, pantaloon wearing, toothless swamp dwellers, from cannibalizing each other every time the mail boat from England showed up a day late. Guys, for serious, have some corn, and put down that kid's leg! It doesn't go in your mouth! Even after the nation had been founded, Black Friday survived every year of the American Civil War, and even the great depression, when there was nothing to fight over but Hoover Bread, and Hoover Pies, and Hoover Beer; all three are just variations of sawdust.

Sadly, Black Friday crusaders of today are on average 5 times the body mass of the founding fathers. They are only able to ransack a big box store with three vertical steps or less. But in the interest of keeping an American tradition alive, they will continue to drive their accessibility scooters toward those sliding glass doors, wallets in one hand and 2nd Amendment protector in the other, in the hope of passing on to the next generation those most American of values: the kind with a spinning blue light on it.

Your rating: None

- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:02 | 4191552 NOTaREALmerican
NOTaREALmerican's picture

HA!  Too funny.

Is this a great country, or what?

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:08 | 4191582 I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture




Veni Vidi Vici


Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:52 | 4191725 The Juggernaut
The Juggernaut's picture

AAAAAAAAHHHHHmurica!  Where most dogs sleep in the same bed as their owners.  So weird.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:32 | 4191901 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

"Jive Turkey Dinner" - priceless.

I am Chumbawamba.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 20:30 | 4192387 Scarlett
Tue, 11/26/2013 - 23:12 | 4192727 cynicalskeptic
cynicalskeptic's picture
Why are so many incidents at Wal-Mart?     Fighting over crap?!?!     
Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:34 | 4191909 Oracle of Kypseli
Oracle of Kypseli's picture

Banzai7 is that  you?

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:57 | 4191755 Czar of Defenes...
Czar of Defenestration's picture

THAT'S: vidi vici VENI


Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:37 | 4191915 I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture



"Veni, vidi, vici" (Classical Latin: [?we?ni? ?wi?di? ?wi?ki?]; Ecclesiastical Latin: [?v?ni ?vidi ?vit?i]; "I came, I saw, I conquered.") is a Latin sentence phrase the etymology of which reportedly extends from Julius Caesar's oral declaration respecting his campaign in Britain (55-54 BC) to his written comment in 47 BC on his short war with Pharnaces II of Pontus in the city of Zela (currently known as Zile, in Turkey), both abbreviations arising from singular victory in certain location. Veni, vidi, and vici are first person perfect forms of the three Latin verbs venire, videre, and vincere.


Public education isn't what it used to be, heh?


Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:53 | 4191972 Mike in GA
Mike in GA's picture

If you think of the sexual connotation of VENI at the end, it's pretty funny. 

Thank you for your first person perfect education denunciation however.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 18:31 | 4192075 I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture



My bad...

I always come too soon.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:14 | 4191610 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

What fucking idiots still go to a store to fight through crowds and wait for hours in check out lines when there's the internet you mooks!?

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:38 | 4191689 Platinum
Platinum's picture

The same fucking idiot that would mindlessly flock to Walmart at midnight to buy a $98 TV, that's who.

I order all nearly everything online, save for local produce/meat/dairy. I started ordering online from Buy.com in the late 90's. I haven't looked back.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:03 | 4191555 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

What's with all the fat people on scooters? I never see people like that.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:16 | 4191616 Uber Vandal
Uber Vandal's picture

Go to a Wal-Mart, and simply stand in the entry or exit area for about 15 mintues or less.

If they fail to show up for some reason, visit a Golden Corral, and bring eye bleach.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:47 | 4191948 N_Jones
N_Jones's picture

Vandal speaks the truth..... :) Them fatties in the scooters can't resist the chocolate waterfall......

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:22 | 4191631 texas sandman
texas sandman's picture

The question I have is....what point do you have to come to where you say "fuck it, I ain't walking anymore"?


Kinda like "how important do you have to be to be labeled as having been assassinated rather than just murdered"?


Tue, 11/26/2013 - 18:44 | 4192105 ForTheWorld
ForTheWorld's picture

It never ceases to amaze me that people can get so fat that their legs are angled 90 degrees from where they should be.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 19:28 | 4192207 skank
skank's picture

Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz - Get Low

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:59 | 4191765 I am Jobe
I am Jobe's picture

I saw one, maybe she was a crumb away from 450 pounds and the man was right up there too. Interestingly enough they were driving a Ford Escort. 

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:04 | 4191564 imbrbing
imbrbing's picture

Proud to be an AMERICAN!!!!!

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:55 | 4191978 SloMoe
SloMoe's picture

"Proud to be an AMERICAN!!!!!"


You meant, of course, "Proud to be 'MERICAN!!!!!"

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:07 | 4191585 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Right after the tryptophan wears off, I'm heading over to the nearest Wal-Buy complex to sell off some tasers I "found".  I would think that they would command top dollar to those wanting to advance a couple spaces once the cattle rush for iStuff is on...

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:08 | 4191592 Sutton
Sutton's picture

Chink got a lot to say. Go eat a cat on Thursday.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:15 | 4191613 Magnum
Magnum's picture

Truth be told if a group of Americans wanted to study Taiwanese culture and habits in order to make cartoons mocking chinks, they would be a lot more funny than this half-baked attempt at humor.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:25 | 4191643 suteibu
suteibu's picture

When Taiwan becomes the straw that stirs the drink in Asia, it will be open season on them.  In the meantime, the most they can do is follow the time-honored practice of mocking their puppet-master with satire.  Give them that.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:30 | 4191889 vxpatel
vxpatel's picture

americans study? don't think so...

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:20 | 4191625 Osmium
Osmium's picture

She busted a cap in that setllers ass over a butter churn.  Sweet.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:33 | 4191672 Platinum
Platinum's picture

She churned out some whoop ass! Butter the other lady and not her.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:26 | 4191650 Clayton Bigsby
Clayton Bigsby's picture

Yeah, America ain't perfect, but maybe our Taiwanese friends need a little reminder that if it wasn't for us, they'd be Southeast fucking China.  You're welcome.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:29 | 4191660 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Just double-check that yer keyboard isn't "Made in Taiwan"...

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:28 | 4191657 jomama
Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:48 | 4191721 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

Ah yes.  Taiwan.  The nation peopled by peaceful Polynesians and then viciously conquered by a failing Chinese dictatorship.  Now a land of mercantilists.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 22:51 | 4192676 MrSteve
MrSteve's picture

USA's pair of B-52s due a cruise-by on the South China Sea's newest hot spot, now that is American Imperial Charm Schoolin', formerlay called gunboat diplomacy. Now the gunboats fly at 60,000 feet from half way round the world. Note Obama didn't send stealth bombers the Chinese couldn't see...

Taiwan is taking very close note of all this, guaranteed as they would be the first Minutemen in this next war.

Wed, 11/27/2013 - 10:14 | 4193473 LFMayor
LFMayor's picture

Watch the movie "Warriors of the Rainbow" and you'll see just how pastoral and peaceful Taiwan was.  And no, it sure as hell aint that sort of rainbow.  Heads fucking roll.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:58 | 4191754 I am Jobe
I am Jobe's picture

Taiwan got Amerika by its balls. 

Long Live- Hon Hai Precision Industry Co 

Amerika is SLAVE TO SHIT and they know it. Average sheeple does not see this

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 23:19 | 4192743 cynicalskeptic
cynicalskeptic's picture

Taiwan doesn't have anyone by the balls - they're surviving because the PRC allows them to.  

China - the 'Communist' one, the PRC - has the US by the balls.  Why else would the Fed go to such trouble to provide them with regular and deep discounts on gold?  


Don't pull the rug out yet, PLEEEEEEZE .........at least PRETEND to keep buying T-bills - and we'll let you buy all the gold you want......we gotta keep the Ponzi scheme going until the police state has survived Beta testing or we (the politicians and bankers) are headed for the guillotine

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 16:59 | 4191770 Czar of Defenes...
Czar of Defenestration's picture




Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:06 | 4191778 DanDaley
DanDaley's picture

I wanna git me wanna dem big screens like dat guy got.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:10 | 4191807 InTheLandOfTheBlind
InTheLandOfTheBlind's picture

the propaganda machine here could learn a few things... but seriously enough of the bad europeans.... this history of the natives of this country ain't any cleaner and i am sick of feeling sorry for them that they got beat....  anyways nuff said

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:40 | 4191926 NRGIsFree
NRGIsFree's picture

Well ... At least we have our freedom


Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:42 | 4191933 quasimodo
quasimodo's picture

I am really hoping we get some good footage again this year of the cattle running each other over to get the "hot deals". I thinking someone could actually set up a pay per view site and folks would happily pay to see these mindless consumers in search of plastic happiness.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:42 | 4191934 monad
monad's picture

Thanksgiving: The Russian connection

Why the Rothschilds' genocidal zionist minions massacred Russia, and propagandized them for 150 years

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 17:44 | 4191937 skank
skank's picture

Glass Door Fail Compilation || TFS :)

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 18:16 | 4192035 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

They are so funny..I can't wait for China to take them over.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 18:29 | 4192068 Elliptico
Elliptico's picture

It's a drug.

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 23:25 | 4192097 TomGa
TomGa's picture

Pilgrims were just doing God's work. So fuck off.


Around here, Black Friday began on Tuesday in order to sell even more extraneous crap while exporting  more of our inflation and saddling the TBTF banks with more future bad revolving debt. Win-win. So double fuck off.


(And on behalf of my family's and some 30 million other Americans' ancestors whom you besmirch, tripple fuck off!)

Tue, 11/26/2013 - 18:54 | 4192116 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Ha!  Very funny.  However, the actual "Black Friday" thing is only about a decade old.  The "holiday shopping season" which begins after Thanksgiving only came on strong as a business concept/goal in the 1980s.  You'll note that the 1980s was when we also saw the beginning of the financialization of everything, the unproductive, vampire squid segment of the economy that is draining us to this day. Not a coincidence.

Anyway, as a protest against conspicuous consumption, I plan to participate in this:

Go Dark, Version 3 -- November 28th - Dec 2nd


Tue, 11/26/2013 - 19:16 | 4192182 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Black Friday at the local gun shop... wild horses couldn't drag me away.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!