Dan Loeb Takes On Santa Claus

Tyler Durden's picture

The following Third Point letter may or may not have been actually sent, although if indeed shareholder activists - more aggressive now than ever thanks to the brilliant idea of forcing management teams to lever themselves up to the gills with what for now appears to be cheap credit - do get some original ideas thanks to this particular Vanity Fair lampoon, then children around the world will have a fabricated Dan Loeb to thank for having their Christmas presents delivered by an army of highly efficient and profit-maximizing Amazon drones.

Source: a rather humorous Vanity Fair

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LetThemEatRand's picture

This reminds me of reading the Fed minutes, only funnier.

Occident Mortal's picture

Wow, Dan Loeb sounds busy.



Harlequin001's picture

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, don't tell me he's not real...

or I've just wasted another fucking postage stamp...

Tall Tom's picture

SATAN Claus... Fuck Christmas. The entire season is built upon LIES. SATAN is the Father of ALL LIES.


Jesus Christ was NOT BORN on Christmas Day. He was born in the Spring When the Star of Bethlehem was in Virgo, the sign of the Virgin. The Star will ascend, once again, in the Constellation of Leo, the sign of the Lion of Judah whom Jesus IS.


SATAN Claus is a LIE. The whole season, as well as our Government, and our Economy, is built upon the foundation of LIES.


Seek the Truth and REJECT the LIES.


Maybe you are so used to the God Damned Lies that you will not know Truth when it smacks you in the face. People get the Government and the Economy which they deserve.


Financial Support IS SUPPORT. If you Financilly Support this season through purchasing Gifts and BUYING INTO IT then you support the LIE and are a LIAR. Thus you deservge the consequences of the FRAUDULENT LIES.


Bah!!! Humbug!!! I do not want a God Damned thing for Christmas as it will be God Damned.

Harlequin001's picture

There's always one isn't there...

Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Dec 21, the shortest day of the year, is what I mark on my calendar.  And then, after 3 days (with little sunshine) the days start to get longer again.

Amazing, that, because it means Dec. 25 marks the first day of longer daylight hours, after Dec. 21.

forwardho's picture

Kind of makes you think of the world starting yet another cycle of rebirth.


forwardho's picture

Indeed, ya got to wonder about a guy who quotes scripture and calls down G-ds damnation in the same post.


ParkAveFlasher's picture

Yeah, but reindeer are CUTE.

Agent P's picture

Sounds like someone didn't get an official Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred-shot range model air rifle when they were little. 

Nobody For President's picture

Red Ryder...

By golly, *I* got one for Christmas - when I was 9.

Learned to shoot good with it, too.

Probably why I wound up an Airborne, Ranger, Infantry officer, once upon a time in a galaxy far, fucking far away.

There IS a Santa Claus - that dude is a blashphemyer. Jesus loves Santa, and Too Tall Tom too.

Things that go bump's picture

Because the early Christian church found it difficult to pry their previously pagan converts away from their cherished old traditions and festivals, they instead coopted said festivals and repurposed them, clothing them in the trappings of the new God. Christmas is the ancient celebration of the winter solstice, observed throughout Europe as Saturnalia in the former Roman provinces. Former Druids hung mistletoe in their homes at that time, and at Yule in the north they brought evergreen boughs into their halls and burned a huge log in the firepit, the Yule log, whose burning measured the length of that festival. All it takes is a cursory look at Christmas to see the beloved ancient traditions still intact over the millenia, barely covered by the superficial patina of Christianity. Some Christian sects do not celebrate Christmas, rightly recognizing it for the utterly heathern thing it is. More recently, it has really escaped the bonds of Christianity and is in the process of being reclothed as a celebration dedicated to the gods of the marketplace.  

PT's picture

The 4 stages of life:

1.  You believe in Santa.
2.  You don't believe in Santa.
3.  You look like Santa.
4.  You are Santa. 

OldPhart's picture

#3 and #4 are reversed.

knukles's picture

In my family I'm the First National Bank of Dad.
Santa doesn't even get close to the mess....

LawyerScum's picture

I am Santa's colon. I get cancer, I kill Santa.

PT's picture

Lysdixecs of the world:  UNTIE!
The insomniac dyslexic agnostic lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

Yen Cross's picture

  #4 should read; "You become one of Santas' elfs." (tribesmen)

Rainman's picture

Here's another guy who needs to back off the choom.

NoDebt's picture

Right idea, wrong address.  The "Santa Claus" he's looking to castigate resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Gamma735's picture

Ah, I see Scrooge has made an appearance this Christmas.

stant's picture

did santa reply that DLs endevors were based on the last 30 yrs of declining intrest rates, that is now over.

jmcadg's picture

Loeb, you're not funny. Please stick to laughing at Ackman and wanking off over Icahn's face. Fuckwit.

Manipuflation's picture

I am doomed.  I am stuck with the almost three year old Russian speaker that is my child while Mrs. M goes buying Christmas crap.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, time to teach him about Pontiac GTO's.:-)

NoDebt's picture

"Remember.  You must THINK in Russian.  Think in Russian.  Can you do that?"  <Firefox>

Alpha Monkey's picture

Today, he would crash the plane because of all the invisible Obamas flying about him.

Manipuflation's picture

Yes and no.  I survived and the son now knows what a 60's Pontiac GTO is and how well they can defend against zombies.(?)  I hadn't thought of that before but now I know.:-)

As for thinking in Russian, I must ask, Russian woman or Russian male?    

MollyHacker's picture

???????? ??????, ?????? damit ???????? ??????.

ChaosEquilibrium's picture

Loeb forgot to ridicule the 'miracle candle that burned for 40 days and 40 nights'......Oh wait that is rain...nevermind!


Inside the mind of the Tribe!!  Gee thanks Dan!

KCCO's picture

Just send Ackamn to the board of North pole operations.  He could ruin any company no matter how old...

Dr. Engali's picture

No wonder why he can't find places to put capital to work. He is too busy writing lousy letters.

PT's picture

Kevin Bloody Wilson - Hey Santa Claus you


Weird Al Yankovic:  Christmas at Ground Zero

csmith's picture

First "Loeb" rips the CEO of the Girl Scouts of America, and now Santa.

The Hitler "Downfall" video all over again.

Who's next?

oddjob's picture

Did he dream this up while in the synagogue washroom?

Towgunner's picture

Dear Mr. Leob: Kindly note: Santa Claus is not real; please understand that the real St. Nick, according to Wikipedia died in, um, 343 AD? So, I think its safe to say he's no longer with us. In fairness, evidently you're somewhat aware of this fact per your little coy remark "I don't believe in you". But, ah, Mr. Leob that was one of the last things you said...you still thought it best to write the rest of your gibberish first. At any rate, it's refreshing to hear that you don't believe in Santa, Mr. Leob, because, as a grown man, an adult human and one that currently manages the hard earned assets of multiple parties amounting to ~ >$5 Billion dollars...much should be expected of you to include a firm grip on reality. Every Christmas season the Yuletide spirit brings out the best in many of us (but not all)...often times we'll get some "tongue and cheek" items such as "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" and, yes, even Cheech and Chong did a great little jingle about Santa himself (FYI - I'm not sure what you were trying to do above with the whole Santa and Cheech thing...). Nice try, but this didn't make me laugh it made me disappointed that people like you exist. I know Santa is not real, so, like him or not, I'm not going to waste time writing and complaining about someone that doesn't exist. However, exceptions must be taken with living idiots like you who willing do. All current investors in your fund should take note, and if you have any respect for them you'd immediately redeem the commiserate portion of your management fee accounting for the time you just wasted producing this gibberish. Ho Ho Ho.

CaptainSpaulding's picture

Santa Claus has got the Aids this year.. Credit to Tiny Tim


joego1's picture

Ok Dan take over. and make sure you can deliver those presents to the orphans for $0.0. You know like the interest rate you get from the fed. Also you can lobby your favorite shill in the gov to change the GDP to GTM (goodwill to mankind) in measuring the progress of this once great country. Good luck.

MeBizarro's picture

There isn't a class of economic parasites lower on the totem pole in my book than hedge fund guys.  An industry filled with shylocks, charlatans, and hucksters where 90-95% of them are worthless shits over a 5 or 10-year period and just line their pockets at the expense of their clients. 

Every hedge fund guy you will meet too is the same as a gambler too.  They'll use buzzwords and industry jargon to sound informed, mock outsiders and lay common investors, and brag about their wealth/lifestyle/successes.  They won't tell you about their losses, how they actually did over a period of time, or what their performance was vs benchmarks. 

_SILENCER's picture

Hedge fund cocksuckers are responsible for a lot of this trainwreck. They are parasitic, powermad, degenerate, psychopath asshats.


Where's Patrick Bateman when you need him?