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Dan Loeb Takes On Santa Claus

Tyler Durden's picture




 

The following Third Point letter may or may not have been actually sent, although if indeed shareholder activists - more aggressive now than ever thanks to the brilliant idea of forcing management teams to lever themselves up to the gills with what for now appears to be cheap credit - do get some original ideas thanks to this particular Vanity Fair lampoon, then children around the world will have a fabricated Dan Loeb to thank for having their Christmas presents delivered by an army of highly efficient and profit-maximizing Amazon drones.

Source: a rather humorous Vanity Fair

 

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Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:24 | 4236039 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

This reminds me of reading the Fed minutes, only funnier.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:39 | 4236105 Occident Mortal
Occident Mortal's picture

Wow, Dan Loeb sounds busy.

 

</sarc>

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:57 | 4236172 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, don't tell me he's not real...

or I've just wasted another fucking postage stamp...

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:20 | 4236271 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

SATAN Claus... Fuck Christmas. The entire season is built upon LIES. SATAN is the Father of ALL LIES.

 

Jesus Christ was NOT BORN on Christmas Day. He was born in the Spring When the Star of Bethlehem was in Virgo, the sign of the Virgin. The Star will ascend, once again, in the Constellation of Leo, the sign of the Lion of Judah whom Jesus IS.

 

SATAN Claus is a LIE. The whole season, as well as our Government, and our Economy, is built upon the foundation of LIES.

 

Seek the Truth and REJECT the LIES.

 

Maybe you are so used to the God Damned Lies that you will not know Truth when it smacks you in the face. People get the Government and the Economy which they deserve.

 

Financial Support IS SUPPORT. If you Financilly Support this season through purchasing Gifts and BUYING INTO IT then you support the LIE and are a LIAR. Thus you deservge the consequences of the FRAUDULENT LIES.

 

Bah!!! Humbug!!! I do not want a God Damned thing for Christmas as it will be God Damned.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:30 | 4236307 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

There's always one isn't there...

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:50 | 4236408 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Dec 21, the shortest day of the year, is what I mark on my calendar.  And then, after 3 days (with little sunshine) the days start to get longer again.

Amazing, that, because it means Dec. 25 marks the first day of longer daylight hours, after Dec. 21.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:06 | 4236458 forwardho
forwardho's picture

Kind of makes you think of the world starting yet another cycle of rebirth.

 

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:03 | 4236444 forwardho
forwardho's picture

Indeed, ya got to wonder about a guy who quotes scripture and calls down G-ds damnation in the same post.

Priceless.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:33 | 4236317 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Yeah, but reindeer are CUTE.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 14:33 | 4236886 Agent P
Agent P's picture

Sounds like someone didn't get an official Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred-shot range model air rifle when they were little. 

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 15:42 | 4237184 Nobody For President
Nobody For President's picture

Red Ryder...

By golly, *I* got one for Christmas - when I was 9.

Learned to shoot good with it, too.

Probably why I wound up an Airborne, Ranger, Infantry officer, once upon a time in a galaxy far, fucking far away.

There IS a Santa Claus - that dude is a blashphemyer. Jesus loves Santa, and Too Tall Tom too.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 17:15 | 4237041 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

Because the early Christian church found it difficult to pry their previously pagan converts away from their cherished old traditions and festivals, they instead coopted said festivals and repurposed them, clothing them in the trappings of the new God. Christmas is the ancient celebration of the winter solstice, observed throughout Europe as Saturnalia in the former Roman provinces. Former Druids hung mistletoe in their homes at that time, and at Yule in the north they brought evergreen boughs into their halls and burned a huge log in the firepit, the Yule log, whose burning measured the length of that festival. All it takes is a cursory look at Christmas to see the beloved ancient traditions still intact over the millenia, barely covered by the superficial patina of Christianity. Some Christian sects do not celebrate Christmas, rightly recognizing it for the utterly heathern thing it is. More recently, it has really escaped the bonds of Christianity and is in the process of being reclothed as a celebration dedicated to the gods of the marketplace.  

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:44 | 4236121 PT
PT's picture

The 4 stages of life:

1.  You believe in Santa.
2.  You don't believe in Santa.
3.  You look like Santa.
4.  You are Santa. 

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:54 | 4236173 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

#3 and #4 are reversed.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:49 | 4236641 knukles
knukles's picture

In my family I'm the First National Bank of Dad.
Santa doesn't even get close to the mess....

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:56 | 4236176 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

You are Santa's dad.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:58 | 4236432 LawyerScum
LawyerScum's picture

I am Santa's colon. I get cancer, I kill Santa.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:17 | 4236504 PT
PT's picture

Lysdixecs of the world:  UNTIE!
The insomniac dyslexic agnostic lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:14 | 4236241 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  #4 should read; "You become one of Santas' elfs." (tribesmen)

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:25 | 4236040 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Here's another guy who needs to back off the choom.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:33 | 4236064 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Right idea, wrong address.  The "Santa Claus" he's looking to castigate resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:33 | 4236073 Gamma735
Gamma735's picture

Ah, I see Scrooge has made an appearance this Christmas.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:32 | 4236075 stant
stant's picture

did santa reply that DLs endevors were based on the last 30 yrs of declining intrest rates, that is now over.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:33 | 4236086 jmcadg
jmcadg's picture

Loeb, you're not funny. Please stick to laughing at Ackman and wanking off over Icahn's face. Fuckwit.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:36 | 4236093 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

I am doomed.  I am stuck with the almost three year old Russian speaker that is my child while Mrs. M goes buying Christmas crap.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, time to teach him about Pontiac GTO's.:-)

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:50 | 4236139 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

"Remember.  You must THINK in Russian.  Think in Russian.  Can you do that?"  <Firefox>

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:03 | 4236209 Alpha Monkey
Alpha Monkey's picture

Today, he would crash the plane because of all the invisible Obamas flying about him.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:27 | 4236542 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Yes and no.  I survived and the son now knows what a 60's Pontiac GTO is and how well they can defend against zombies.(?)  I hadn't thought of that before but now I know.:-)

As for thinking in Russian, I must ask, Russian woman or Russian male?    

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:34 | 4236568 MollyHacker
MollyHacker's picture

???????? ??????, ?????? damit ???????? ??????.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:38 | 4236096 ptoemmes
ptoemmes's picture

Dan Loeb got run over by a reindeer...

 

http://www.41051.com/xmaslyrics/grandma.html

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:39 | 4236100 ChaosEquilibrium
ChaosEquilibrium's picture

Loeb forgot to ridicule the 'miracle candle that burned for 40 days and 40 nights'......Oh wait that is rain...nevermind!

 

Inside the mind of the Tribe!!  Gee thanks Dan!

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:40 | 4236107 KCCO
KCCO's picture

Just send Ackamn to the board of North pole operations.  He could ruin any company no matter how old...

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:47 | 4236123 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

No wonder why he can't find places to put capital to work. He is too busy writing lousy letters.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:49 | 4236132 B2u
B2u's picture

Here's a great Santa song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7o9TaldKpE0

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:19 | 4236269 PT
PT's picture

Kevin Bloody Wilson - Hey Santa Claus you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLzdzSTg4Tw
 

 

Weird Al Yankovic:  Christmas at Ground Zero
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t039p6xqutU 

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 11:57 | 4236187 SheepDog-One
Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:15 | 4236252 csmith
csmith's picture

First "Loeb" rips the CEO of the Girl Scouts of America, and now Santa.

The Hitler "Downfall" video all over again.

Who's next?

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 12:49 | 4236401 highwaytoserfdom
highwaytoserfdom's picture

LOL funny...   

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:09 | 4236473 oddjob
oddjob's picture

Did he dream this up while in the synagogue washroom?

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:11 | 4236479 Towgunner
Towgunner's picture

Dear Mr. Leob: Kindly note: Santa Claus is not real; please understand that the real St. Nick, according to Wikipedia died in, um, 343 AD? So, I think its safe to say he's no longer with us. In fairness, evidently you're somewhat aware of this fact per your little coy remark "I don't believe in you". But, ah, Mr. Leob that was one of the last things you said...you still thought it best to write the rest of your gibberish first. At any rate, it's refreshing to hear that you don't believe in Santa, Mr. Leob, because, as a grown man, an adult human and one that currently manages the hard earned assets of multiple parties amounting to ~ >$5 Billion dollars...much should be expected of you to include a firm grip on reality. Every Christmas season the Yuletide spirit brings out the best in many of us (but not all)...often times we'll get some "tongue and cheek" items such as "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" and, yes, even Cheech and Chong did a great little jingle about Santa himself (FYI - I'm not sure what you were trying to do above with the whole Santa and Cheech thing...). Nice try, but this didn't make me laugh it made me disappointed that people like you exist. I know Santa is not real, so, like him or not, I'm not going to waste time writing and complaining about someone that doesn't exist. However, exceptions must be taken with living idiots like you who willing do. All current investors in your fund should take note, and if you have any respect for them you'd immediately redeem the commiserate portion of your management fee accounting for the time you just wasted producing this gibberish. Ho Ho Ho.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:26 | 4236521 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

Santa Claus has got the Aids this year.. Credit to Tiny Tim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU8IQqcq270

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:24 | 4236535 joego1
joego1's picture

Ok Dan take over. and make sure you can deliver those presents to the orphans for $0.0. You know like the interest rate you get from the fed. Also you can lobby your favorite shill in the gov to change the GDP to GTM (goodwill to mankind) in measuring the progress of this once great country. Good luck.

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 13:48 | 4236640 MeBizarro
MeBizarro's picture

There isn't a class of economic parasites lower on the totem pole in my book than hedge fund guys.  An industry filled with shylocks, charlatans, and hucksters where 90-95% of them are worthless shits over a 5 or 10-year period and just line their pockets at the expense of their clients. 

Every hedge fund guy you will meet too is the same as a gambler too.  They'll use buzzwords and industry jargon to sound informed, mock outsiders and lay common investors, and brag about their wealth/lifestyle/successes.  They won't tell you about their losses, how they actually did over a period of time, or what their performance was vs benchmarks. 

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 14:28 | 4236849 _SILENCER
_SILENCER's picture

Hedge fund cocksuckers are responsible for a lot of this trainwreck. They are parasitic, powermad, degenerate, psychopath asshats.

 

Where's Patrick Bateman when you need him?

 

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