Taxpayers Pay $1.9 Million To Teach Senate Staff To Sleep, Spell, Listen

Tyler Durden's picture

Just when one thought the government's boondoggles couldn't get any worse, along comes this...

Sometimes working in the Senate is stressful and means staying up all night to get your projects done.

Fortunately, overworked and under-slept staffers can take one of dozens of lifestyle coaching classes offered by the Senate to ensure they’re okay.

The Senate Office of Education and Training offers Senate employees a wide variety of free courses on everything from the “Benefits of a Good Night’s Sleep” to “Pressure Point Therapy Workshop,” in which students are taught "how to locate and relieve active pressure." For its efforts, the office was provided $1.9 million in 2013 according to information provided by the office of the Senate Sergeant at Arms.

While the office is little known, even within the Senate, it made national headlines briefly in 2012 over a typo on the cover its course catalog.

After misspelling the word "training" by leaving out the first “N,” one staffer remarked, "Ooh! They’ve got an editing and proofreading class!"

According to its website, the Office "provides a variety of ways for you [a Senate staffer] to enhance your professional development and increase your performance and technical skills." These include such offerings as, "Assert Yourself: Speak Up with Tact Rather than Suffer in Silence," which will teach Senate employees the recognize the difference between assertive, aggressive, and passive behavior “without being a steamroller or a pushover.”

Other classes for the more reserved include, "Small Talk: Breaking the Ice in Social Situations" and "That’s Not What I Meant!," a one hour class that "explore[s] the difference between your intention and the impact of your words and behavior on the other person." It teaches the important lesson that “[c]ommunication is difficult and complex."

In "Be Curious, Not Furious" students are taught how to examine a difficult work relationship, discuss the difference between labeling people and understanding them, and discuss five ways for understanding challenging behavior.

Should that fail to do the trick, the class on "Forgiveness," defines the concept and explains the "[c]onsequences of holding a grudge."

Some classes are there for Senate staff who slept through elementary, middle and high school such as “Making Subjects and Verbs Agree."

Source: Wastebook 2013

* * *

And now, peasants, pay your taxes.

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VD's picture

more like outfuckingrageous!

Arius's picture

i beg to disagree .... think of it this way .... where we would be should they not had taken these courses?  much worse, so lets be thankful someone thought of stuffing the taxpayers .... whats wrong with that anyway

zaphod's picture

This is the product of 100 years of free money. The government (and people) will have absolutely no idea how to live when the free money ends.

NotApplicable's picture

Webinars will surely save us all!

Scarlett's picture

Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin was the greatest inventor of all time.

ZH Snob's picture

didn't they go over this in elementary school?

chubbar's picture

Several new courses being considered:

 1). How to handle a fork without piercing your cheeks.

2). How to properly put on your underwear.

3). How to wipe your ass without leaving skidmarks.

Hell, there are probably dozens more topics these fuckheads need help with. Pour on the millions in life lessons!

CPL's picture

Other courses available:

"Cold water beverage preperation: Remedial studies in faucets"

"Light switches:  On and Off"

"Breathing and chewing gum; a workplace hazard."

prains's picture

"How To Wipe Your Ass and Not Get Shit in Your Hair": 9 Steps to Proper Handwashing


666's picture

Only in America...

kchrisc's picture

I believe that there should now be made a distinction between "US" and "America."

The US, or United States, is the government of criminals and the nation (DC) that they form and represent. It, they, are a criminal enterprise operating outside the bounds of the legal strictures that created it--the Constitution.

"America" on the other hand is the American people and the country of America that they form. America is the country and people that the US is oppressing, in addition to numerous others around the world.


I am American not US.

prains's picture

sorry but i speak for the rest of the world....and that's not gonna'll need to try a whole fucking lot harder than that

Seahorse's picture

Sadly, not 'only in America...'

Zero Point's picture

Is there a section on dirt naps?

logicalman's picture

I think they all flunked the listening course.

They all aced the sleeping course.

Spelling - some just about passed.



Frozen's picture

This is a peace on staffer traiing.  I can only imagine what the cost per session LifeCare bills out.  I will hereby offer a competitive alternative for any moderately attractive female staffer to a good night's sleep, guranteed, and at no cost to the taxpayer.

Parrotile's picture

Seven Billion dollars of Military equipment that will be destroyed (rather than even given away to Allies or even the Afghan Defence Forces!)

Wonder just how much of that will appear on the Black Market, after "Contractors" decide that falsification of "destruction documents" are very easy money.

logicalman's picture

Another thought strikes...

Is the company providing the course run by the spouse of a Congress Critter or Senator?

Inquiring minds......

user2011's picture

A bunch of parasites.   The worst of American can be found in those offices.   I see people who earn minimal wages putting out sweats and tears, and worrying about their daily livelihood.   And these bunch of crooks just keep milking the tax payers and screwing tax payers.   Ridiculous !

nmewn's picture

The Senate Office of Education and Traiing.

Yes...we're in the very best of hands.

Papasmurf's picture

The editor must have needed a good night's sleep.

robochess's picture

The revoltion will not be tellivised.

Professor Fate's picture

OK!  This is the "101 Section"  Where are the Masters courses.  Clearly, most in Congress have a Masters in "That's Not what I Meant".  My bet is Obama has been auditing these courses as well.  Especially the "That's Not What i Said" course.

Fate the Magnificent
"Push the Button, Max" 

Fake_nation's picture

What we have here is a *marketing* problem. If institutions could just learn to harness the power of social media to sell these programs to the public, all this right-wing ignorance of their essential role in society would disappear.

highwaytoserfdom's picture

Killed audit FED and filibuster.  The crime is no term limits.  It is a cesspool of corruption.

WillyGroper's picture

It would not surprise me if this is what the TPP is about.
Otherwise why so secret?
Something wicked this way comes on many fronts.

XRAYD's picture

It would be a good investment IF ALL the Senators and Congressman, AND the President were forced to take the course.

And be forced to resign if they failed the exam!

Sokhmate's picture

Any classes offered on art of Happy Endings?

beavertails's picture

That price tag is cheap beyond belief.  Taxpayers would benefit from an expanded budget to include Politicians.

I suggest they give the course to POTUS to see if he can graduate and work down to the rats in congress from there.

cheetahbaby's picture

Some years ago the gooberment offered a course entitled "Consideration of Others" (COO). All of the smart asses in the back row "coo-ed" like pigeons. The course instructors, all gooberment contractors, made 80.00 per hour teachin' this kind of shit. Troof....


Arbysauce's picture

I'll make em a deal...they pretend to be productive and I'll pretend to pay my taxes

Surging Chaos's picture

Yes, this is wasteful. Yes, this is ridiculous.

But we need to look at the big picture here. $1.9 million per year is peanuts compared to other things .gov spends money on (SS/Medicare anyone? or the MIC?). These kinds of articles that highlight a really silly program are nothing more than instruments meant to divide and conquer the masses so they become completely oblivious to the real budget-busters. "Who cares if we're spending hundreds of billions on social programs and defense spending? Just look at THIS stupid study that the government is spending money on. That's OUR tax dollars going to waste!!!!"

Remember, the banksters are also getting $85 billion per month. Which will likely become at least $100+ billion a month in 2014 when Mr. Yellen takes over.

Being Free's picture

Got a revolution got to revolution!

Dull Care's picture

Just another great thing government has accomplished for mankind. We now know there are benefits to sleep. Thanks .gov!

Exponere Mendaces's picture

"Welecome to the Healthmaster Inferno powered by Joormi Technologies"

bh2's picture

No doubt they also earn credits toward a degree in public administration.

Trucker Glock's picture

First and most important training is "How to Accept a Bribe on Behalf of Your Senator Without Getting Caught."

Next course, "A Pat On The Ass For A Job Well Done Is A Good Thing"

Money Squid's picture

the cute blond in the pic is tired from being sexually harassed by her ultra conservative octagenarian senator

d edwards's picture

Perhaps she's exhausted from being groped by J0e Biden?

MedicalQuack's picture

This is the kind of stuff wellness companies owned by insurance companies do, so, well, maybe they are scrapig all this profile data for sale to someone along the line here:)  Sure we pay for it but the ones running the programs scraping data are the ones who profit:)

Pee Wee's picture

Surely there is a job behind every mistake.  Failure is celebrated and unemployment recalibrated.