Art Cashin Poetically Laments Bitcoins, Binge-Viewing, Boston, Baltimore, And Bargaining Brokers

Tyler Durden's picture

"Twas the days before Christmas, and all across the street, not a human was trading..." but, as tradition demands, UBS' venerable director floor operations - Art Cashin - unleashes his annual poem. Summing up the year in amazing alliteration, Cashin takes on Bitcoins, The Fed, the Volcker Rule, and... Anthony Weiner.


Via Art Cashin,



‘Tis two days before Christmas

and at each brokerage house

The only thing stirring

was the click of a mouse


Down on the Exchange

the tape inches along

Brokers bargained and traded

as they hummed an old song


The Fed kept on printing

yet few jobs did appear

But it's time to move on

so they'll taper next year


Boston won the World Series

Baltimore took the Bowl

But Tiger still struggles

to get the ball in the hole


From Bitcoins to Binge-viewing

brand new things did occur

And the Prez took a selfie

that caused quite a stir


There was a government shutdown

most folks called it a sham

And to slow down the Senate

a guy read "Green Eggs and Ham"


In Cleveland three women

finally freed of their fears

Held captive by a mad man

for nearly ten years


The Pope said he resigned

an occurrence quite rare

A new Pope named Francis

new sits in that chair


Back tried Spitzer and Weiner

they brought little to cheer

But it’s Christmastime, Alice

and Santa is near


So stop looking backwards

have a cup of good cheer

And kiss you a loved one

raise your hopes for next year


And amidst all the trading

Christmas themes we will heed

And share our good fortune

with families in need


And tomorrow they’ll pause

as we wait on the bell

To sing a tradition

a song for old “Nell”


Don’t let this year’s problems

impede Christmas Cheer

Resolve to be happy

throughout the New Year


And resist ye Grinch feelings

let joy never stop

Put the bad at the bottom

keep the good on the top


So count up your blessings

along with your worth

You’re still living here

in the best place on earth


And think ye of wonders

that light children's eyes

And hope Santa will bring you

that Christmas surprise


So play ye a carol

by Mario Lanza

Unless you are waiting

to celebrate Kwanzaa


Hanukkah’s over

And Ramadan’s gone

Different folks, different holidays

yet each spirit lives on


Whatever your feast is

we hope you all still

Find yourself just surrounded

by folks of goodwill


Tuesday, as the bell rings

hark to your heart’s call

And as Santa would shout

Merry Christmas to All!

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fonzannoon's picture

Art you are no limerick king. Now go down some ice cubes and wax nostalgic about some nonsense

Canadian Dirtlump's picture

I unleashed the term Jeremiad here a few weeks ago. This is a mildly neutered christmas jeremiad.


* A jeremiad is a long literary work, usually in prose, but sometimes in verse, in which the author bitterly laments the state of society and its morals in a serious tone of sustained invective, and always contains a prophecy of society's imminent downfall.


Merry Christmas Zerohedge, my present to you (again) is the word Jeremiad.

jballz's picture

After all I do for you the best you can do for a gift is a word?

Here is a word back for you. Cheapcocksucker.

Stuff in your stocking and merry fuckinh Xmas.

Canadian Dirtlump's picture

In what I can assure you is a serious overture for all the wonderful guys here, I do have a christmas prize pack but it has to be claimed in calgary.


It includes a white cowboy hat, a bro hug and a night out with me and my twin brother. Fair warning, being of nearly 100% ukrainian I am cast iron from eyehole to A-hole and have an auto pilot ( i.e. the bility to operate in an altered state ) that rivals most people's state when they have all their faculties.


p.s. between the that I am recently divorced, and my brother and myself have an electrifying 2 man show with unsuspecting cosmopolitan women here, bring your A game LOL!





666's picture

ObamaCare's here

To take care of the ill.

                    The only thing lacking

                    Is paying the bill.

Canadian Dirtlump's picture

get this guy an ambulance he's having a stroke.

Cult_of_Reason's picture

This selective MOC imbalance tracker is an annoying mother fucker.

Exponere Mendaces's picture

It was a few days before christmas, when all through the mall
not a shopper was stirring, having been tapped out in fall;

Firearms were hung by the bunker door with fear, in hopes
the world's ending would soon appear;

The brokers were nestled all snug in their beds, smiling as
another client was burned instead;

Yellen in her robe, and Bernanke in his cap,
had just settled down for some printing tip chat;

When out in the street there arose such a yammer,
Bernanke shoved Yellen, to see what was the matter;

Away to the printer he flew like a flash,
Tore open the out bin and threw up the cash;

When, what to his quantatative eyes should appear,
but good old Satoshi and his software engineers;

More rapid than HFT his miners they came,
to verify the blockchain and make sure things were sane;

Up to the top of the charts, the valuation flew,
and the wealth went global, to poor people too;

Bernanke was aghast, Yellen agape,
this Bitcoin it seemed, wasn't designed to rape;

Down the chimney Satoshi came with a bound,
standing before them, holding his ground;

He was proper and tall, confidence itself,
and Bernanke laughed, in spite of himself;

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
filled Bernanke and Yellen with a cold sense of dread;

He spoke a few words, while clasping his hands -
"You two should be ashamed, for screwing over the land."

"But I create jobs!" Bernanke he cried, and as for Yellen,
well, she nearly died;

Satoshi just smiled, and before he was done, turned and
said "Bitcoin has won.";

He adjusted his coat and went up the flue,
as Bernanke and Yellen wondered what to do;

And as he took off, to the sky in flight, they heard him say
"Screw the bankers, and to Bitcoiners a good night!"

Unpopular Truth's picture

90 seconds I will never get back :(

Dr. Engali's picture

You read the whole thing? I had to stop when he started going on about Tiger putting his balls in a hole. I thought for sure he meant to say hoe.

FieldingMellish's picture

Fuck off banking scum.

ReactionToClosedMinds's picture

that's pretty harsh .... even for Christmas

What has Art Cashin ever done to you directly to be so anti-seasonal?


PontifexMaximus's picture

Seems, that UBS (a Swiss Bank with a German as P of the board and also primary dealer) needs to pay him........what for?

Dr. Engali's picture

There was a time when I actually took interest in what Art had to say. That was when the fed's balanace sheet was about 4 trillion dollars smaller.

fonzannoon's picture

It's all about Bob Pisani now.

squid427's picture

"And amidst all the trading

Christmas themes we will heed

And share our good fortune

with families in need"

I'm sure that verse got a lot laughs from his buds. I hope your christmas tree falls on you and electrocutes you to death you parasite.

FieldingMellish's picture

That cheered me up. Thanks.

geox's picture

Is he getting paid for this shit?

pazmaker's picture

You’re still living here

in the best place on earth

Oh Really???


Seer's picture

I took it to apply to anyone who read.  I did so with the thought of where my wife is from (poor country, but still happy people), and with this quote from/by Scott Nearing in mind:

Do the best that you can in the place that you are, and be kind.

W74's picture

Oh damn, I thought there was going to be something about Baltimore in this one.  It was the only reason I clicked the article.  We should really talk about all the foreclosed homes I drove by on North Avenue and Greenmount on Saturday.  Oh, and all the Liberians, but that's another matter entierly.

Laughing Stock's picture

Die already you fat drunk fuck

TimmyM's picture

Easy now, he is not your Dad.

youngman's picture

I guess guillotines is to hard to rhyme..

Iam Yue2's picture

The Turks they are revolting
The Swedes are in a mess
The Thai Baht keeps on sinking.
The Irish they digress.

The French ignore all warnings
The Danes just sink in debt
The Finns are suicidal
The Russians won't say Nyet

The Bitcoin Ponzi is raging
Gold is on the floor
Art is no longer cashing in
But Stolper we adore.

h0oS's picture

Wow this thread is fucking depressing...I'm going off to shoot a dog....

highwaytoserfdom's picture

I can only manage a Duck Dyanasty Merry Christmas to all.... Here goes...


"well these  little things Art has said

forgot to mention audit the  FED

insanity QE has this appointment smelling

on the Same old sh#t  by the name of Yellin

Harry stopped Cato and Jefferson with  filibuster dead

leaving Rand  powerless to stop criminal FEDS "



CaptainSpaulding's picture

Art, Where ya been? I was getting worried. You look good

NoWayJose's picture

It probably sounds better when a fat old guy with a red nose actually says it, rather than just reading it here on ZH...

Larry Dallas's picture

Art is about 10 years past his sell-by date. He works for a television studio. He should have quit when Grasso and Johnson left...

Can only imagine he doesn't want to retire and have to re-meet his spouce of 40 some-what years.