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Welcome To Schizoland, Media Headlines Edition

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Because when one covers all bases, what else is there to say?

 

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Tue, 12/24/2013 - 13:59 | 4273580 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

The are using "obamacare rules" to account for holiday sales and consumer confidence.  If you place something in a shopping cart, it is considered a sale.  If you stare at it blanky on a shelf, it is a sign of strong confidence.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:02 | 4273584 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

ILLOGICAL! PLEASE EXPLAIN!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuYbDP2kDfg

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:16 | 4273616 Xibalba
Xibalba's picture

White House press narrative

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 16:51 | 4273911 boogerbently
boogerbently's picture

* Obama giving govt workers a raise.

 

* Military pensions to be cut.

 

????

 

Why is there never any mention of cutting Welfare (which pays 2X what a minimum wage job pays) ?

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:15 | 4273622 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

Or if the mall parking lots are full, it means that consumers are buying more than eva.  

See web hits = paid premiums.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:17 | 4273626 Obchelli
Obchelli's picture

I'm HFT trader I just bought and returned same gifts 50 times within an hour. Store personell was very happy as it increased their sales 50 fold. (Returns are not deducted from revenues in new accounting rules for retailers - next year they are considering to add returns to revenue)

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:28 | 4273648 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Returns = Inventory = Revenue++ = Profit

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 15:38 | 4273776 W74
W74's picture

Returns are now miscelanious assets with OPPORTUNITY to sell them a second time.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 17:26 | 4273985 Exponere Mendaces
Exponere Mendaces's picture

Return channel-stuffing is the new gift-giving. Or just sell a bunch of Apple boxes out of a van filled with bricks and floor tiles. Same difference.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 13:59 | 4273581 VD
VD's picture

that is exactly how i process every MSM front page: it's is total schizoid contradictory signals bullshit! we r doomed...

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:00 | 4273585 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

They're having problems keeping their lies straight.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:03 | 4273586 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Just needs the holiday "Eggnog Decoder". Makes ferpict chense now.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 15:03 | 4273625 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

And by Eggnog decoder you mean the rum to filler ratio?

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:03 | 4273592 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Fuck you, algo's!

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:05 | 4273596 GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

MSM is truly a joke. 

I was chatting with a few sheeple at a holiday party recently.  Even they are starting to realize the economic situation is is not how the MSM claims it to be.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 17:40 | 4274021 knukles
knukles's picture

Same here.
Except for the Progressive Government CA State Employees.
They think it's fucking awesome.

I shit you not.
These are the same people who think MSNBC is objective.
Seriously.

Whatever you may be thinking, they're the one who make policy for you and me.
Whoopieshits!

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:07 | 4273598 wisehiney
wisehiney's picture

OK, last punishment. I am heading out to the mistletoe tree, and a bottle of grog.

Why did the three wise men smell like smoke?

'Cause they come from a far.

Merry Christmas!

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:28 | 4273649 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Thanks, Merry Christmas to you as well, I'm off to do my warsh.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:08 | 4273602 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

Thank god for NFLX. May the stock go to $10,000,000/ Share. Hulu plus is also good thanks to the Janus-Criterion collection of movies.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:11 | 4273603 Ness.
Ness.'s picture

Looks like they set the algo's to 45° today.  stocks, up and to the right - bonds down.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:10 | 4273605 101 years and c...
101 years and counting's picture

once they use arima-zyx to seasonally adjust this year's xmas sales, im sure sales will be up 4.8% from last yr. 

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:41 | 4273669 optimator
optimator's picture

But never mention real inflation up 10% for the year.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:13 | 4273607 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

economic headlines are the proverbial mood ring. the change in color means anything you want it to mean, and of course its not correlated to any rational or empirical evidence. there's an axiom in advertising, that people hear the first part of anything you say, and ignore the second half. when alcoholic beverage makers say PLEASE DRINK responsibly, the last part is deemphasized. if you want the truth you have to hang around and read the disclaimers, and the small print on the back of your credit card, and if you want to know what they are trying to tell you, listen to the first part, the first part is better than the truth, it's a lie told in their self interest, its what they want to say to you...

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:10 | 4273608 Nue
Nue's picture

Have you heard about the new method of measuring consumer confidence. The statistician go into a cemetery at around 1 in the morning. "Shout, Is anyone here dissatisfied with the economy!" The occasional homeless person skews things a bit but other than that this method is showing nearly 100% satsfication with the economy.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:13 | 4273617 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

Haha! +1

Then they shoot the homeless person and revise the number upward.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 21:42 | 4274460 Nue
Nue's picture

Even better they lend him a freshly printed $100 dollars while making him sign a loan contract at around 450 APR. Not only does the 100 bucks boost the economy but the Interest and Penalties when he defaults gets counted in the GDP mulitplier for the year.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:20 | 4273636 SteveGennisonBa...
SteveGennisonBallWasher's picture

You can make stats say anything you want.  On paper you can make the Cleveland Browns look like a playoff team.  Merry xmas to all you good, like minded people.  Its time to start drinking my dirty belvedere martinis.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:23 | 4273637 DIgnified
DIgnified's picture

Im gonna give you some pussy never.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:26 | 4273643 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

    Extra...Extra...Get your oxymorons at Reuters before they run out.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:31 | 4273655 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Only a moron on oxy would publish conflicting ideas on contiguous lines.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:26 | 4273644 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Partly sunny, chance of rain, wintery blast/deadly heat, blizzard/drought."

And the recovery is here because the FED is only spending $75 Billion/month.

And employment is great because there is no target rate anymore to keep ZIRP.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:44 | 4273677 optimator
optimator's picture

MSM constantly says, "Alchohol and gasoline don't mix".

B.S., I tried it the other day and it doesn't make a bad drink.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 14:59 | 4273701 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

"I asked for water, she brought me gasoline."

-- Howlin' Wolf

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 15:19 | 4273747 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture

Send us more fucking food stamps Barry - you fucking piece of shit.

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 16:11 | 4273856 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

an free fonze!

Mo gimme dats!

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 16:13 | 4273853 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

They have finally Lied sooooo much everything they say contradicts itself!

Welcome to Thunderdome!!

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 16:56 | 4273930 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Is the sewage spewing from the White House any different?

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 17:11 | 4273954 bnbdnb
bnbdnb's picture

Phone surveys? I dont think they tell us anything anymore. Just think about who actually would take the time to answer these stupid things. Think about their age, their wealth, and their type of "telephone".

Tue, 12/24/2013 - 20:33 | 4274342 Reaper
Reaper's picture

War is peace has been updated to the 21st Century version.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!