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What The 1% Wear To Court

Tyler Durden's picture




 

With an ever-rising number of 1%-ers in the public eye for less-than-god's-work-like behavior, Town and Country magazine knows it can be tough dressing for court when nothing in your closet is off the rack! Here are some fashion strategies for the wealthy and notorious as they approach the bar... the dock is the new red carpet and one must, must find the balance between Brioni and bankruptcy... or Couture over Kevlar...

Michael Steinberg, Insider Trading.

Mr. Steinberg, a top portfolio manager and close confidant of Steve Cohen at SAC Capital Advisers, wears a navy crew neck, a dark suit, and an open collared starched white shirt, projecting the image of the harried trader who'd just stepped away from his terminal. Some details—the hand-sewn buttons and the French shirt placket—do betray the presence of a personal shopper, but clearly Steinberg here is obeying the injunction his wife Liz sent out to friends, to lose the bling if you're going to attend proceedings.

Postscript: Mr. Steinberg, who was found guilty yesterday, briefly fainted as the jury returned to render the verdict, which is probably not a good sign for his superior, Steve Cohen, who must hope that Steinberg doesn't crack in the pen. Steinberg now faces an entirely more difficult fashion challenge: what to wear to his sentencing hearing April 25.

Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi, both called as witnesses during an embezzlement trial.

The couple have had their own War of the Roses playing out in the press of late. But when Lawson's assistants were accused of bilking her husband of hundreds of thousands of dollars, the estranged couple both appeared in court, she in dramatic dark navy and he in primly buttoned penetential solids.

Martha Stewart, ImClone insider trading (left) and JCPenney licensing (right).

The matchy-match mogul of Omnimedia remains insouciantly beige in the face of the law, whether it's her freedom at stake (the ImClone trial in 2003) or merely her product lines (JCPenney lawsuit this fall).

Rajat Gupta and Fabrice Tourre, securities fraudsters.

The Goldman gang, like the boys at Lloyds of London, maintains a strict but uncodified bankerly uniform. Rajat, who ducked out of a board meeting to urge a friend to sell a particular stock, sports the crisper senior partner interpretation, and Fabrice, with his lilac shirt and uncinched lavender tie on a field of gray, a more fabulous if midlevel take on the uniform of insider trading.

Boris Berezovsky, Roman Abramovich, ownership disputes over Sibneft.

Two generations of Russian oligarch faced off in a London court over Berezovsky's claims that Abramovich had bilked him of promised billions. The wildly entertaining spectacle pitted stylistic opposites, with Berezovsky pursuing a dapper-by-proxy strategy (his henchman looks sharper than he does!) and Abramovich trying to broadcast a CEO-like unflappability in a blue suit that seems to be a blend of wool and kevlar.

Anthony Marshall, conspiracy, grand larceny, elder abuse.

The son of Brooke Astor, stepson of Vincent Astor, and for many years the executor of the Astor estate, often dressed for court like a mallwalking elder, perhaps emulating the strategy of Vincent the Chin Gigante, who bolstered his insanity defense by his unorthodox fashion choices in court.

Although Marshall was found guilty on various counts, his oddly disinterested wardrobe seems to have paid off: he recently was awarded medical parole after serving just eight weeks of his 1 to 3 year sentence.

Phil Spector, murder.

Mr Spector reinforced an overall impression of untrustworthiness by donning a succession of wigs that made him look like a transgendered Zombie version of 70s pinup idol Farrah Fawcett.

Kenneth Lay, Dennis Kozlowski, executive malfeasance.

Both Lay and Kozlowski provided windows into the high-flying lifestyle of the bald CEO, but their wardrobe choices—grays, club ties, solid shirts of blue or white—are the fashion equivalent of a hurried "no comment."

Michael Milken, Ivan Boesky, securities violations.

The two kingpins of the financial ascendency turned on each other in court. Boesky, the comparatively more buccaneer of the pair with his sharp pointed collars and flowy Armani suits, was surprised to find that the SEC might enforce rules against massive insider trading, and quickly turned state's evidence on Milken, the junk bond pioneer, who signaled his remorse to the world after serving a sentence of 22 months by abandoning forever his outrageous Brillo pad toupees.

 

So when the music stops this time... and they haul another bunch of 1%-ers into the dock... what will they be wearing?

 

Source: Town & Country

 

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Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:05 | 4278236 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Smirks. That's what they all wear; for good reason too........

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:34 | 4278426 90's Child
90's Child's picture

Bernard Madoff looked like a boss in court.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:00 | 4278458 CognacAndMencken
CognacAndMencken's picture

What I wore to my hearing:

Kiton K50
Tom Ford Tie (I was more than a little chagrined when my lead defense wore a slightly better looking 7-fold Zilli)
Borrelli shirt
Tanino Crisci shoes

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 07:24 | 4278708 negative rates
negative rates's picture

I think I'll grease up my shoes so the janitor can complain to the bosses about a quick and easy clean up he aint never seen before. I didn't see no people, all I saw were a bunch of mirrors.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 10:48 | 4278942 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

What do these scumbags have in common?

They did not bundle for Obozo.

Free Jon Corzine!

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 12:43 | 4279217 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

Why am I reading articles on fashion on ZH?

Just clicking the refresh button and...

WTH... it's still here.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:00 | 4278460 HyperLazy
HyperLazy's picture

What the 1% wear to court?

Well, natually one should wear presidential cufflinks and flash them with a casual and suave nuance.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:11 | 4278474 Handful of Dust
Handful of Dust's picture

Air Jordans for moi then when the time is right, ask to take a pee and then run like hell to the nearest Haitian cabbie.

Trade a cab ride across the border for your pair of Air Jordans with the Haitian.

 

Sat, 12/28/2013 - 23:55 | 4278503 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

I kept scrolling down to get to the war-criminal-tribunal section, but no Bush, no Cheney, no Clinton, no Obama.  I was so looking forward to First Spouses Michelle and Laura standing by their men in their flattering haute couture dresses and Hillary sporting her signature alpha-female pants-suit while she waves off reporters' questions with her "vast, ultra-right wing conspiracy" blather.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 04:43 | 4278648 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

Not being of the 1%...any court appearance I show up in will feature jail-house orange in three sizes too large, with silver tinted handcuffs, steel chains and county monogrammed ankle bracelets.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:12 | 4278237 Hongcha
Hongcha's picture

Kenny you ratfucker, telling your rank & file to hold their EN shares while you were selling yours hand over fist.  You doomed many of them to BK.

You died in jail, did you not?

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:39 | 4278436 yrbmegr
yrbmegr's picture

He probably did, in fact, die by now.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:48 | 4278511 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Yeah, Kenny was a chicken-shit motherfucker for doing that...he is a dead one now.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 01:51 | 4278555 Blano
Blano's picture

I believe he died after his trial, but before he made it to jail. 

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:08 | 4278239 JohnG
JohnG's picture

Tar.  Feathers.  Nooses.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:12 | 4278240 Hongcha
Hongcha's picture

Only Kozlowski looks human; the fear in his eyes.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:09 | 4278241 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

Court? 

Oh, you mean clownish facade of justice.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:10 | 4278371 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

You spelled it wrong mang - it's 'justus,' as in just us, and you aint in the club, mothafucka. That's what every 'case' is about.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:09 | 4278245 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

fukk steinberg and his baby hair.

 

in other news my sundial reads high noon when nigella is on the scene .

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:47 | 4278256 Jam Akin
Jam Akin's picture

I once sat next to Kozlowski at dinner.  Left the meal wondering how any human being no matter how capable could keep all of that shit straight - everything from laying fibre optic cable to bond financing for his stake in the Nets not to mention the robo-babe arm candy sitting across the table.  Not long after that he was sporting a different type of pinstripe....by comparison the current lot of scumbags ought to be put to the guillotine.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:28 | 4278275 NIHILIST CIPHER
NIHILIST CIPHER's picture

Better get a kevlar hat for your melon.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:21 | 4278388 zhandax
zhandax's picture

The kevlar goes underneath.  Anything from Macy's will do to cover it.  They are rapidly becoming Wal-mart norte.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 02:37 | 4278285 PrecipiceWatching
PrecipiceWatching's picture

Ugliest bunch of smirking, Satanic human scum I've ever seen.

Sometimes God gives us a peek at the inner soul, through a disgustingly abhorrent visage.

 

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:34 | 4278287 suteibu
suteibu's picture

What, no chains?  And I'm not talking about bling.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:34 | 4278293 Reaper
Reaper's picture

You want to influence the judge, if your attorneys haven't fully done it privately for you and/or the jury. If you're foolish enough to believe the court is an honest place, you can consulate for appearance improvement. That fool, Martha Steward, made the mistake of talking to the FBI/federal investigators. Best advice is preventive: Never talk to FBI, Police or investigators. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jgDsbjAYXcQ

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:41 | 4278303 Jam Akin
Jam Akin's picture

Yes, too often "justice" like political support is bought and paid for in the land of the free...

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 09:16 | 4278784 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Yep, the best representation and justus money can buy.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:24 | 4278409 zhandax
zhandax's picture

Don't forget they are all in on it.  I had a traffic stop dismissed, and was still assessed court costs; about $100.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:31 | 4278419 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Funny. I was guilty, the cop did not show for my case, I talked sweetly to the prosecutor, and he let me go, no court costs at all.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:37 | 4278295 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

The wheelchair outfit always draws sympathy from the jury.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:43 | 4278308 Reaper
Reaper's picture

Juries think they can discern actors and frauds by their personal abilities. Most are suspicious of a wheelchair. The court is stage. Everyone is acting, except the deluded or honest.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:40 | 4278302 booboo
booboo's picture

They all be wearin a shit stained pair of skivvies when they walk the plank at the point of me knife...aaargh

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:46 | 4278309 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Judge Judy Exposes A Classic Liberal Freeloader

 

The apple doesn't fall from the tree!

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:46 | 4278310 czarangelus
czarangelus's picture

I know we all want to see them hang, but I have a proposal. Radical, experimental psychotherapy. Psychedelics are well known for causing feelings of oneness and dissolving interpersonal boundaries. So while some of these people should never walk as free men (and an occasional woman) - I strongly believe that we should use them as involuntary test subjects in traditional forms of human psychological readjustment.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:12 | 4278376 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

I agree. The data we would get out of these experiments would be invaluable. Don't worry, when they get dragged out into the streets, we'll be sure to remind the boys not to kill 'em.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 22:50 | 4278322 Make_Mine_A_Double
Make_Mine_A_Double's picture

Steinbergs jury were made up of lumps of pig shit. Even though he's trying to slum to the average prol it still looks casually elegant.

I always thought that even if you come in dressed as Pajama Boy your attorneys in their 5K Baroni suits cancel it out.

Bet Steinberg flips on Cohen btw.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 01:26 | 4278540 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Steinberg, Cohen...wonder who the attorney and judge will be.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:02 | 4278358 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Please bring along your homophobic tendencies while I sport Brook Brothers suits and bash men who can’t produce a child under an epoch old process. You stupid cunts can only adopt. You cannot reproduce from the anal cavity. What a great way to endure child slave labor.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:23 | 4278406 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

My banker cousin took me inside a Brooks Brothers once, insisted he buy me anything I wanted. I looked around, the dignified butler gentleman was of keen help, etc. I turned down the offer. I like my tailored clothes better.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:44 | 4278435 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Not pitching my choice of Jew suits. I have been a customer for years. Dollar for quality out weighs value. It is pricey, worth the money. Or you can shop at http://www.josbank.com/menswear/shop/Home_11001_10050

/sarc

Sneeze, hiccup, maxime waters, cough. :)

 

 

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:01 | 4278461 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

lmao, I'm not gonna be buying clothes advertised on TV as buy one get two free lol. I actually go through the process of picking out the cloth and going to a trusty tailor for every nice garment I own.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:06 | 4278466 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Buy a suit, get a dozen socks free.

 

/sarc

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:21 | 4278489 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

REI brand wool socks for me. I lold heartily at the joke.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:23 | 4278407 Yes_Questions
Yes_Questions's picture

 

 

HOT-MONEY COUTURE!

 

 

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:28 | 4278413 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

These folks ain't the folks you really want to see hang.

Thu, 12/26/2013 - 23:50 | 4278438 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

The bigger thieves never go to court -- (well, okay, Madoff, but he ripped off too many famous people).  Martha Stewart does prison time -- for a Wall Street jaywalking violation -- and Corzine never appears.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 10:48 | 4278946 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

Madoff would have gone free if he hadn't stood in the middle of Fifth avenue shouting to the media "I'm a crook".  That made credible denial impossible later.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:06 | 4278468 Hammerabi
Hammerabi's picture

tyler, i hope youre banging an editor at town and country

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 00:37 | 4278504 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

All of them would look good in stripes, jail stripes

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 01:09 | 4278529 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Great article. I was thinking about what I would wear as I solicite companies to start accepting bitcoin.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 01:23 | 4278538 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

I see a distinct pattern within the list of people shown.  Besides them all being cheating scumbags.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 01:28 | 4278541 Dazman
Dazman's picture

"Postscript: Mr. Steinberg, who was found guilty yesterday"

 

The courts were open on Christmas Day? I'm impressed!!!!

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 01:43 | 4278549 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

One down, thousands of high level criminals to go.

Free Jon Corzine!

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 03:20 | 4278607 are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

If only we could sentence lobyists to Samalia for community services.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 03:27 | 4278609 are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

Interesting not one of the bankers was fat.  I'm starting to think fat cats are more honorable.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 15:39 | 4279814 are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

A well cut quote.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 05:46 | 4278670 capitallosses
capitallosses's picture

I wore an ageing tan suit to the final alimony hearing in court with my ex of 23 years, and tried my best to look somber and dejected. Female judge told her, tough shit you bitch, no alimony for you (and gave her directions to the job center). Tan worked for me.

 

Cheers,

A 2%'r.

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 07:18 | 4278701 squexx
squexx's picture

I believe that tan nooses work well with all styles. Hang the bastards! (Notice the Satanic Tribe featured prominantly among their numbers?!?!?)

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 08:34 | 4278755 tnquake
Fri, 12/27/2013 - 11:10 | 4278976 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Maroon is the color to wear if you want a not guilty or a light sentence!

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 11:49 | 4279047 monad
monad's picture

Krugman isn't smart enough to make this list?

Krugman isn't smart enough to make this list.

Krugman isn't smart enough to make this list...

Krugman isn't smart enough to make this list!

Fri, 12/27/2013 - 13:05 | 4279282 Walt D.
Walt D.'s picture

These people are not 1% -ers. (Obamillionares earn about $200,000 and my actually have no assets. Many of the people hear are billionaires (Milken, Abramovitz); many are/were worth over $100 million (Saatchi, Martha Stewart, Ken Lay). So techically they are in the 1%, but way at the top - you would need to earn and keep $200,000 every year just to make it into bottom of this group. To be as rich as Abramovitz would take 40,000 years. 

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