2013 - The Year Of The Zombies

Tyler Durden's picture

Authored by Dave Barry, excerpted from The Washington Post,

It was the Year of the Zombies. Not in the sense of most of humanity dying from a horrible plague and then reanimating as mindless flesh-eating ghouls. No, it was much worse than that. Because as bad as a zombie apocalypse would be, at least it wouldn’t involve the resurrection of Anthony Weiner’s most private part.

We thought that thing was out of our lives forever, but suddenly there it was again, all over the Internet, as Weiner came back from the political grave like the phoenix, the mythical bird that arose from the ashes to run for mayor of New York and use the name “Carlos Danger” to text obscene photos of its privates to somebody named “Sydney Leathers.”

Speaking of pathologically narcissistic sex weasels: Also coming back from the dead in 2013 to seek elective office in New York (What IS it with New York?) was Eliot “Client 9” Spitzer, who ran for city comptroller under the slogan: “If you can’t trust a proven sleazebag with your municipal finances, who CAN you trust?”

And then — not to leave out the ladies — there was Miley Cyrus. We thought her career was over; we remembered her fondly as a cute and perky child star who played Hannah Montana, wholesome idol of millions of preteens. And then one night we turned on MTV’s Video Music Awards and YIKES there was this horrifying, mutant, vaguely reptilian creature in Slut Barbie underwear twerking all over the stage while committing unhygienic acts with both Robin Thicke and a foam finger, both of which we hope were confiscated by a hazmat team.

This year was so bad that twerking wasn’t even the stupidest dance craze. That would be the “Harlem Shake,” which is not so much a dance as a mass nervous-system disorder, and which makes the “Gangnam Style” dance we mocked in 2012 look like “Swan Lake.”

We miss 2012.

But getting back to the zombies: It wasn’t just people who came back alarmingly in 2013. The Cold War with Russia came back. Al-Qaeda came back. Turmoil in the Middle East came back. The debt ceiling came back. The major league baseball drug scandal came back. Dennis Rodman came back and went on humanitarian missions to North Korea (or maybe we just hallucinated that). The Endlessly Looming Government Shutdown came back. People lining up to buy iPhones to replace iPhones that they bought only minutes earlier came back. And for approximately the 250th time, the Obama administration pivoted back to the economy, which has somehow been recovering for years now without actually getting any better. Unfortunately, before they could get the darned thing fixed, the administration had to pivot back to yet another zombie issue, health care, because it turned out that Obamacare, despite all the massive brainpower behind it, had some “glitches,” in the same sense that the universe has some “atoms.”

Were there any new trends in 2013? Yes, but they were not good. Kale, for example. Suddenly this year restaurants started putting kale into everything, despite the fact that it is an unappetizing form of plant life that until recently was used primarily for insulation. Even goats will not eat it. Goats, when presented with kale, are like, “No, thanks, we’ll just chew on used seat cushions.”

Another annoying 2013 trend was people who think it is clever to say “hashtag” in front of everything. Listen carefully, people who think this is clever: Hashtag shut up.

Did anything good happen in 2013? Yes! There was one shining ray of hope in the person of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford , who admitted that, while in office, he smoked crack cocaine, but noted, by way of explanation, that this happened “probably in one of my drunken stupors.” This was probably the most honest statement emitted by any elected official this year, and we can only hope that more of our leaders follow Mayor Ford’s lead in 2014. (We mean being honest, not smoking crack in a drunken stupor.) (Although really, how much worse would that be?)

Read more here...

And with that, this hideous brain-dead zombie of a year finally staggers off into oblivion, making way for 2014, which surely will be better, because how could it possibly be worse?

Do NOT answer that.

Happy New Year.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

OMG!  I forgot about the zombies!


"Thinking about 2014"


Jam Akin's picture

Hi DoChen,

Nice look ahead at your link.   Some thoughts from my business/travels:

1)  Business is relatively strong everywhere in the world - still not up to pre-recession levels but better than 12.  The Fed decision to continue easy money in September seemed to open some wallets in the US and globally.  Abenomics has Japan on an economic sugar high and they are even buying imported capital goods in greater quantity there of late.  Korea is projecting a stronger 14 after a down 13 due to Japanese strength.  Southern Europe has come back to life.

2)  India is rather more optimistic at the moment.  The opposition party did well in regional elections recently and national elections are coming up in first half of 14.  Businesses are starting to invest a bit more there now in cautious optimism that there might be a business friendly change in national government upcoming.

3)  China is still rather strong and the alleged problems have not had the degree of impact one might have expected up to this point.  There may be bank billboard ads on every street corner there but there are still a lot of construction cranes and a lot of growth optimism.

Best Wishes for a healthy and properous New Year!

LetThemEatRand's picture

Are you every financial advisor I've ever met?  

lotsoffun's picture

got to trade your book.  especially now.  new home price sales price at record high.  i've got a few cheap.  infact, see other posts, i can sell you something 'slightly lived in' in detriot for $10,000.00.  detriot is in recovery, now IS THE TIME!  don't miss out on this offer!



Jam Akin's picture

Not a financial advisor at all, rather I work at selling capital equipment globally.  Normally I can be as bearish as anyone here on ZH.  My sincere apologies if what I am actually seeing in terms of folks placing sizable orders all over the world in second half of 2013 clashes with the gloomy confirmation bias here!  Who knows, it might all turn south as quickly as 2008-9 did...

LetThemEatRand's picture

What type of capital equipment do you sell, and to whom (government or private)?

Jam Akin's picture

Both Private and Government customers, more private - equipment used in product development and quality control.

You been to any of the places I mentioned in person recently?

LetThemEatRand's picture

No, I have not been to those places lately.  I was in a few many years ago.

What type of equipment?   

Jam Akin's picture

Specialized material testing equipment.   Used by a fairly impressive roster of the world's largest firms in diverse segments ranging from auto, aerospace, paints and coatings, building materials, plastics, pharma, cosmetics, textile, defense and more.  You're probably aware that China has a more extensive government sector than many national markets, with many Product Quality Inspection Bureaus, government labs that are an important segment there. 

I've been to all of the place mentioned in person, some multiple times this year, some as recently as a few weeks ago.  So my view is informed by "on the ground observation" and recent experience.  

I've not seen so many parts of the world clicking simultaneously very often if at all in the past 5 years as they are now in our business.    This year felt like 2010, where customers held off committing until they saw positive conditions and during which a very active Q4 2010 was followed by a decent full year in 2011.    Let's hope it is not actually mimicing a strong 2008 which was followed by a horrific 2009!

LetThemEatRand's picture

Can I ask one more time what kind of equipment?  You don't need to name names.  Rolling bearing sells bearings.  What do you sell?  Or do you refuse to answer?

Jam Akin's picture

I sell specialized material testing equipment.  Already said that.   Now why are you being so rude and demanding more than specialized material testing equipment?   What is your point?  Do you have anything of value to add to this exchange? 


Boris Alatovkrap's picture

You are sell specialize test equipment for detection dielectric potential of subterranean copper ore in urban proximity? Boris is currently use mother-in-law but is tired of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after every discover of "hot" ore.

Jam Akin's picture

Happy New Year Boris - keep slinging and don't hit the vodka too hard!

Zero Point's picture

LTER, Much as I hate to run against the grain here, I sell to major mining firms, (specialist safety equipment) and our sales are WAY up lately.

The smaller customers have died in the ass, but our big customers are spending like drunken sailors.

I got no idea what that means mate. Whatsoever.

Capex just seems to have been released.

Jam Akin's picture

Thanks for your insights ZP.   Interesting point in the contrast between large and small customer activity.  I'd wondered whether our customers (mostly large) see a window of opportunity to get some of what they need amidst the typically tight restrictions on CAPEX in recent times.  Are they just getting while the getting is good or will it be more sustained?

Zero Point's picture

No probs mate.

Yeah, the activity I mention is recent, and a bit of digging suggests it is most likely temporary (but I always read that in my future I must admit).

I know my biggest customer put in  flurry of orders ahead of a cut off at the end of this year.

Prick made me rush my ass off too, ordering last minute like a headless chicken.

That said our last quarter was pretty excellent, but if you just go by number of orders over dollar amounts we're screwed.

Raging Debate's picture

Jam Akin - Seeing increased demand in my business, enough to add a person (I was one man show since 2008 when I laid off the staff). I am in healthcare marketing. I am cautiously optomistic. However, equities are due for correction that will cause some ripple effects. Other major headwind is boomers retiring, meaning reduced consumption and higher health care costs (demand) and government taxes to pay for Medicare. Jobs will open up a bit based on a little trade rebalancing and openings as bommers retire. While I now see more sane politics being discussed in Washington, implementation will take years. I maintain by 2021 we'll feel back to normal in the USA.

Jam Akin's picture

Thanks for the insight RD.  Agree with you on the equities correcting, the question is timing given the "taper" is still vague, inconsequential and subject to change at any time. I'd think there is some pent up demand among younger folks if conditions do improve more in the US - the boomer consumption should be naturally declining with aging anyway.  And also see the possibility of more "re-shoring" of production if volume and logistics costs continue to make it attractive.  Hope you're right about NLT 2021 though I am less sanguine about sanity in Washington!

DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Back at you Jam Akin for a happy and prosperous New Year!  We have not been to any of those places for a while, we are hoping to get to Italy in September or so.  My wife's Italian friend (in town visiting her family on holiday) says that everything in Italy is terrible...

Personally, I wish the best for India.  A counterweight to China in that "New New Great Game" there in Asia.  At some point, I have to start looking more at India to see where it fits into the global puzzle, I have never been there nor know much about it.

The only problem for us re a stronger Korea in 2014 is our suppliers may pay less attention to lil ol Peru...



Happy New Year to you too LTER!  Best to all of my ZH friends!

LetThemEatRand's picture

Happy New Year my friend.  Here's to another year watching fireworks from our own homes/communities and not from camp!

DoChenRollingBearing's picture

I hear they are going to expand FEMA Camp 116 (Belle Glade) even more!  Adding a fourth compound.  SO, there will be plenty of room.

But, the big question is:

Will they put screens on those 8" * 8" windows?  If they do, I want the window bunk, if they don't, you take it!


2¢Wurth's picture

DoChen -  You are at 16 times "face" on your junk silver, not "spot".  Enjoy your pieces of US fiscal sanity, and 2014!

DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Thanks, but I to wait until tomorrow to correct it (my computer here at home cannot get into my own blog...).  

What a dopey error..., LOL?  Or /LOL?



I was somehow able to get in and fix it.  But, this computer "esta enferma", I need to call our computer guy.

TheSkipper1967's picture

I think I am married to one.

Dick Buttkiss's picture

Obamacare, despite all the massive brainpower behind it, had some “glitches,” in the same sense that the universe has some “atoms.”

I've run the numbers, and it's actually "subatomic particles."

Rusty Shorts's picture

Well, the Zombies will have Phil Robertson Back on "Duck Dynasty"

I am Jobe's picture

You mean Fuck Dynasty and BTW, shows how pathetic Amerikans have become clinging on to TV shows. Shows the shallow nature of Amerika. 

Colonel Klink's picture

Damn ZH programming, it would only let me click the up arrow once.

American culture IS pathetic!!  Everything we once were is no longer.  Free, proud (with reason), independent, industrious, tough.

lotsoffun's picture

it's not their hormones, it's their genetic background.  and even if they stink to hell, there are enough people in new york city to back them, since their genetic background is similar, and they wish to vote and keep the tribe in power.

send me the down arrows, but deal with the truth.  there is nothing else to explain either of these idiots being able to hold a public service job.  and believe me, in the private sector, i don't care what they do, and they can buy and sell their bodies to any consenting idiot they want.  but not, lying and cheating on wives and the public sector paying for it.


Harbanger's picture

So according to your standards, as long as they don't lie to their wife and don't cheat the public, it's all good?  OK whatever BS works for you, they'll spin any story to make you feel good.

Rusty Shorts's picture

Phil Robertson - The Duck Commander is actor/character "Charles Manson" ... He holds a PhD in Dramatic art and graduated from University of California Santa Barbara...annnnd was a 1st round NFL draft pick, Quarterback ahead of Terry Bradshaw

Leonardo Fibonacci2's picture

I have had just about enough about the stories of Weiner & Spitzer.  Seriously these guys need to get their hormones under control.

Colonel Klink's picture

It's not hormones, it's their EGO!

el Gallinazo's picture

I couldn't care less that Spitzer was fucking a professional prostitute.  What bugged me was that as governor he made the criminal statues concerning it a lot more severe.  Typical shit.  Two sets of laws for the über rich and everyone else.

ManWithaPlan's picture

Did Jesus have a six pack? Yes

RafterManFMJ's picture

A six pack!? He had a Party Ball! He had a Kegmeister!

A Lunatic's picture

We are living in the Decade of the Zombie and there's lot's more to come........

Colonel Klink's picture

He failed to mention that these zombies are sociopaths.

Zero Point's picture

On a lighter note, I'm SURE 2014 will be much better.

All the figures are looking positive the TV man says.

Colonel Klink's picture

Please don't send me on one of my laughing fits where I can't catch my breath.

Zero Point's picture

No, seriously. I remember.

There was a fattish balding guy ranting about it, and a very pretty lady that wouldn't let anyone finish a sentence backing him up.

No way would smart sounding people like that lie to me. Heh.

Colonel Klink's picture

"No way would smart sounding people like that lie to me."

Bwahahahahaha.....wooooooooo.........hahahahahahaha......ok you had to go and do it!!!   Hahahahahaha......(deep breath)......ahhahahahahaha....Oooops! (shat my pants)

Thanks! (shuffling off to the bathroom)

CapitalistRock's picture

Kale is the most nutrient dense food there is. Why is ZH disseminating propaganda against kale!? You can grow it yourself instead of eating the GMO and low nutrient food that is passed out to the masses to keep them in a fog. If you aren't eating leafy greens and solid greens then you are guaranteed to die of cancer or heart disease. Or did you simply accept the propaganda that dying of those causes was natural and a required fate of being an American?

El Vaquero's picture

It is also the same species as cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, brussells sprouts, kohlrabi, and probably a couple others.  Yes, if you grow all of those next to each other and let them go to seed, you will get crosses.  I have no idea what those crosses would be though. 

CapitalistRock's picture

That is all correct but a bit off topic, dont you think?  The point is that there are hundreds of similar leafy greens that people once ate in this country.  But now we eat processed crap from large corporations and it is literally killing us.  Their crap tastes good, it's addictive, it's cheap, and it keeps the masses happy because they have a plentiful supply of cheap crap that keeps their tummy full.  People who care to fight back against the beast are growing their own nutrient dense food.


Since when were the political elites generating propaganda against kale?  This is the first I have seen it.  And it's ironic that ZeroHedge is the one spewing it.  Apparently too many people are learning how to eat.  Monsanto must be worried.


logicalman's picture

The important thing here is that good food requires a little effort, something most seem to have a problem with.

dogbreath's picture

my mother made the best kale.   when we didn't grow it ourselves we ordered garbage bags of it from some one at the farmers market.   heres the secret:  LET THE FROST HIT IT ONCE!   Frost  smooths the flavour.   We blanched it and striped it from the stalks and pressed it a bit.  I was enlisted at this point to crank the grinder.   The ground kale was packed in containers and frozen.   I think now that the stalks and juice from blanching was wasted but ...

Kale is a winter vegetable.  We ate it with roasted goose. The frozen kale was heated in double boiler and fried bacon with the fat was added.  I cannot tell you how delicious these meals were.  Kale goes so well with fatty meats, fats that we need.   Kale is european but the chinese have discovered it