Dan Loeb's New Years Greetings For Everyone

Tyler Durden's picture

In the past, Third Point's outspoken chief Dan Loeb contained his tongue-in-cheek Bloomberg header "aphorisms" only to personal "relationships" such as Bill Ackman or Bill Ackman. This time around, he has some New Year cheer for everyone!

Some advice Dan: avoid using the NSAnet and NSAphones, and if you see an IRS truck coming, just jump on the G-IV. One way. Putin needs asset managers too.

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HedgeAccordingly's picture

that is hysterical.. i am counting down the days as well http://hedge.ly/1dC7cr8

Future Jim's picture

Yeah!!! Then 8 years of Hillary ... wait ...

TheLooza's picture

Really Loeb? Because what has Obama done for the likes of you except deliever an off the charts bull market for you and your buds. Me and my friends we can hate Obama, you should hires mourners who weep and wail when he leaves office.

Al Huxley's picture

Exactly - what the fuck more does this guy want - S&P up 1200 points, 200 fucking percent, since the lows of 2009 and he plays the 'can't wait to get the liberal socialists out of office' card?  These douchebags have no shame at all.

The Gooch's picture

3 years is an awful long time with the current state of affairs.


aVileRat's picture

Markets going up does not mean you agree with them. Danny, like many, do not agree with why it is going up and as such must choose: eating & paying the workers or sticking to your convictions & shorts. The speculators clearly won 2013. 2014 will likely be a muted but more of the same meltup unless something fundamental breaks (of what's left fundamental).





NoDebt's picture

"such as Bill Ackman or Bill Ackman"

Nice.  I'll have a steak sandwich..... and a steak sandwich.  Put it on the Underhill's tab.

Rainman's picture

Here comes another one, Vladmir !

ChaosEquilibrium's picture

YOU should really FEAR what Loeb wants!!!!.....after all......EVERYONE on ZH despises the 1%!!!


I feel that just the opposite of 1%'ers is the common strategy to take!

Tyler Durden's picture

Everyone on ZH despises crony capitalists, systemic parasites and generally those who should have lost everything but didn't due to exploiting a broken political system.

Everyone on ZH has, or should have, admiration for people who have achieved success or are wealthy due to ingenuity, persistent hard work, and/or generally outsmarting idiots.

666's picture

Everyone on ZH has, or should have, admiration for people who have achieved success or are wealthy due to ingenuity, persistent hard work, and/or generally outsmarting idiots."

Y'mean, like the Tylers?

Rainman's picture

Machines neither admire or despise any human ..they're only around for laughs.

Skateboarder's picture

Nevermore - Sentient 6

"Trained I see imperfection in your race
Lying in wait, blind I suffer knowing I'll never reach your heaven
It's unattainable, please teach me how to dream
I long to be more than a machine"

Ying-Yang's picture

To Tyler's point:

A Wall Streeter who has known Loeb since his early days in New York describes how Loeb climbed to the pinnacle of hedge-fund success: He started out “a little bit like J.P.—John Paulson [founder and president of the hedge fund Paulson & Co.]. He was doing O.K. No one took him terribly seriously. And then he kind of figured out his niche. We all know what his niche is: He is just long and loud. He took a position and then started screaming and trying to force some change. He was smart to occupy a place that was really left vacant: All the private-equity funds and the banks had to get out of [doing] hostile deals, and it was left to the guys who didn’t give a crap, knew how to do it, and had nothing that they were compromising or putting in jeopardy by taking on those powers. Carl Icahn didn’t give a fuck. Dan Loeb didn’t give a fuck. I don’t think anyone’s ever said Dan’s a really, really brilliant guy, but this is what the hedge-fund world allows you to be if you’re massively ambitious and you’re kind of really, really, really focused. You’ll probably get there.”

A good read below...


TheLooza's picture

Thanks for the link.  The key point...

In 2007, Third Point had one of its best years, making $1.5 billion in profits. But in 2008, in the midst of the financial crisis, it almost collapsed. Its funds were down between 32 percent and 37 percent for the year. “It was a mess,” Loeb has said. “I just thought, Lucky 13. Thirteen years building this business and I felt like it was slipping between my fingers.” But two-thirds of Loeb’s investors stuck with him, and after concluding in the spring of 2009 that the financial markets were on the mend, he bet that the government bailouts would work. “We bought things like Chrysler Finance Company bank debt, which doubled in two weeks leading up to the bankruptcy of Chrysler,” he told an audience at the Jewish Enrichment Center, in New York, in 2009. “We bought insurance companies like Lincoln National and Hartford that were rescued by TARP. We bought Bank of America preferred stock.” In six weeks, Third Point went from being down 7 percent to being up 7 percent.



disabledvet's picture

They don't know how to make money in a zero interest rate world. The big money has been inside the bank...and at "Buffet's Place" going on 5 years now. These hedge fund guys might think they're "telling management this" and "ordering the market that" but that's a bunch of b.s. this a REAL old school now...trading single point moves in interest rates with one billion down and 100 billion on the table. "hedge funds" say hello to bullion banks and basis traders. that's how the world of "infinity" really works. with PENNIES...not some bullshit "debt machine." i mean we did have wage and price controls at one time in this country...with a draft, production at over 100% percent capacity "with inflation running at a tremendous 4 percent." and you're talking "big oil trader guy"? yeah, okay.

Disenchanted's picture

re: "Jewish Enrichment Center" = USA...taking care of the 'chosen' for a century(or more).

Enjoy your Alpo Granny Goyim.

Skateboarder's picture

I sincerely hope your list doesn't include VCs, PEs, and other middlemen.

dwayne elizando's picture

Does China cornering the physical gold market while the paper market slumps count as generally outsmarting idiots?

ebworthen's picture

Well said Tyler.

Example for first paragraph:  Angelo Mozillo

Example for second paragraph:  Steve Jobs

Musashi Miyamoto's picture

Steave Job's I-product line is to Consumer Technology what Reality TV is to moving picture.

He may have been brilliant but his company and his legacy will suffer the same mark on history as programs like "The Real World" and "Survivor"

They Tried to Steal My Gold's picture

Without this appearing as a suckup.....


I agree and well said.

EscapingProgress's picture

"Everyone on ZH despises ... those who should have lost everything but didn't due to exploiting a broken political system"

The political system is working exactly as a political system should work. It's not broken at all. The nature of a political system is exploitation.

NOTaREALmerican's picture

Wonderful, then in 3 years we'll have what?   

Another big-gov loving Red or Blue Team sociopath.

All the cronies love: Big-Ag, Big-MIC, Big-Road, Big-Water, Big-Airport, Big-Energy, Big-Ed, Big-House, Big-Fin, Big-OldFart, Big-OldFartHealthcare, Big-AntiDrug, & Big-PoliceState (and don't forget, without our patriotic patriots in Big-PoliceState we'll never have Quantum computing.   Quantum computing: the new Teflon story).

Al Huxley's picture

If the past 14 years (or 24 years, or 40 years, or 114 years) have proved anything, its that it doesn't really matter which team's in office - the agenda's always the same.  But the past 14 have really ramped it up, and both sides have proven themselves pretty much exactly as complicit in dismantling everything that America supposedly represents.

Jam Akin's picture

Exactly - we'll just have another Frontin' Front(wo)manTM to contend with.  Unless something changes in a major way.

ebworthen's picture

Doesn't that dope realize that after Obummer we get Billary?

Did you see Bill Clinton swearing in that whacked out new Mayor of New York?  O-M-F-G.  And I thought Bloomberg was bad.

Even if by some miracle a Republicrat ticket like Ryan/Cruz got elected it would mean fewer regulations for squid town (New York) and four more years of SSDD.

Stoploss's picture

Check this out. This is how they get elected. This is an indication the public does not trust the voting system, or simply refuses to vote, (what's the use nothing will change) or some other reason. Also the ones who vote have nothing else to do between welfare checks.


Musashi Miyamoto's picture

Turnout in national lower house elections, 1960–1995

Country Compulsory ? Turnout

Malta N 6 94%
Chile Y 2 93%†
Austria N 9 92%
Belgium Y 12 91%
Italy N**** 9 90%
Luxembourg Y 7 90%
Iceland N 10 89%
New Zealand N 12 88%
Denmark N 14 87%
Germany N 9 86%
Sweden N 14 86%
Greece Y (not enforced) 10 86%
Venezuela N* 7 85%
Czech Republic and Slovakia N 6 85%
Argentina Y 12 83%
Brazil Y 9 83%
Netherlands N** 7 83%
Australia Y 19 81%
Costa Rica N 8 81%
Norway N 9 81%
Romania N 2 81%
Bulgaria N 2 80%
Israel N 9 80%
Portugal N 9 79%
Finland N 10 78%
France N 9 76%
United Kingdom N 9 76%
South Korea N 11 75%
Ireland N 11 74%
Canada N 12 74%
Spain N 6 73%
Japan N 12 71%
Poland N 7 71%
Estonia N 2 69%
Hungary N 6 66%
Russia N 2 61%
Pakistan N 6 51%
India N 6 58%
Switzerland N 8 54%
United States N 18 48%***

*Compulsory voting until 1998
**Excludes pre-1968 elections, when voting was compulsory.
***Turnout rates during the period ranged from 55%
for general election years, to 40% to off-year elections
(those for which the presidency was not on the ballot).
****In Italy, voting used to be compulsory but only with "innocuous sanctions" (i.e., not enforced) up to 1992.[34][35]
Statistics from Mark N. Franklin's "Electoral Participation", found in
Controversies in Voting Behavior (2001). Includes only "free" elections.
†Voting is no longer compulsory in Chile, but the turnout figures reflect a time when not voting was legally punished.

The United States Election turnout is pathetic.

EscapingProgress's picture

You will never acquire freedom through voting because freedom is never on the ballot. You are only allowed to vote for a new slave master (assuming your vote is even counted towards the candidate for which you intended it, and I don't believe that is the case because there is no record of it).

Global Hunter's picture

Fair enough but did it occur to Loeb that Obama is nothing but a plant doing his handlers' bidding?  Whoever replaces him won't be any better as long the regime running the USSA is still running the USSA. 

Seal's picture

and everyone is just presuming Shaka Zulu will step down - or be allowed to step down

jmcadg's picture

Loeb you witless fuck. We hate you as much as your wank pal Icahn and Ackman. Don't you get it. There is a pitchfork with your name on too.


stant's picture

que the crisis actors when the missiah leaves office. but presently hes at the berghoff planning the winter offensive. scorched earth policy on anything left he hasnt effed up yet

kchrisc's picture

Only 3 more years until a new puppet.


"The king is dead. Long live the king."

Ignatius's picture

Note to self:  Add Dan Loeb to 'douche' list.

Surging Chaos's picture

Dan Loeb is going to be singing a different tune when the next POTUS is even worse than Obama.

There seems to be this continuing trend of each US president being even worse than the one before him.

Dazman's picture

Its a fact too. Remember that study that showed the sophistication of presidential speeches has been in perma-decline. Presidents along with the rest of the population are being dumbed down. 

syntaxterror's picture

Fuck Him. His stooge, Obama, has made him even more wealthy.

Hunter S. Thompson's picture

Anyone given him a ring on the phonenumber listed?